Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 3 - Walter's Heart Attack - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Oh.

Hi, mother.

Oh, sure. That's
easy for you to say.

All right.

What is it this time?

Walter promised he would be home



from the store at 11 o'clock,

no matter where we
are with the inventory.

He said, "I will be
home at 11:00."

It is now 3 minutes after 1:00.

It's a good thing I
didn't hold my breath.

I would been holding my
breath for a 123 minutes.

Carol, even you with your lungs

couldn't do that.

So Walter is stuck at the
store. How come you're upset?

Oh, Carol, it's a
very special occasion.

The 7th Anniversary
of our first date.

I had a lovely candlelight
supper planned.

After dinner festivities.

A little whoopie.

Look, Carol, look.

What?

It's a pie crust.

Now it's pie crust, two
hours ago it was a soufflé.

Hello.

Walter.

Another half hour?

Walter, the hell
with the inventory.

It's time you examine
the merchandise at home.

Mother, the poor man is working.

What do you want from him?

Oh, I know, I
know, I know, Carol.

And I'm so ungrateful.

I know Walter wants to be here.

He's every bit as
romantic as I am.

Of course he is.

Right now, Walter is down there

working his fingers
to the bone for you.

Adele, Adele.

Walter, Walter, Walter.

Adele, you are beautiful.

I mean, believe me, you could
have any man you wanted.

Any man in the world, any man.

Then how come Edgar
walked out on me?

Except Edgar.

Where are my Rolaids?
This indigestion is killing me.

Rolaids?

I'm ready to kill
myself over Edgar,

and what do you do?

You get gas.

I wanna die, and you wanna burp.

Adele, I don't want you to take
an overdose of sleeping pills.

So tell me where you hid
them so I can go home.

You know what's
going on with my wife.

We must have talked on
the phone ten times already.

Boy, I'm such a loser.

I call you because
you're my boss

and I look up to you.

I'm ready to kill myself
because Edgar left me,

and as soon as you
get here, your store calls,

that it's your wife, your
inventory, your gas pains.

What happened to my suicide?

Adele, I beg you.

I got indigestion, I
got pains in my chest,

my wife's waiting.

Please give me
those sleeping pills!

No!

Then why don't
you call a priest?

There's at least 10,000
ministers in New York.

They couldn't
help. I'm an atheist.

Then call a communist!

It's not my fault that I
don't believe in God.

When I was six, my mother
and father were divorced.

At 11, my sister
turned to the streets...

Not again, Adele!

I heard it 50 times!

All right! Get out of here!

I don't even know why I
called you in the first place.

You're middle-aged.

You smell like one
of my aunt's doilies.

Get out of here.

Get out of my apartment.

I'm not going until you
give me those sleeping pills.

All right, you want
them so much.

Here.

Thank God!

Don't do anything crazy!

- Good night.
- Good night.

Oh!

Could you do me just one favor?

Sure, anything.

Tomorrow morning send
the mortician up here.

Wrong pills.

Adele!

Those are my
birth control pills.

I won't need them anymore.

Adele, I want
those sleeping pills!

Oh, answer it.

It's gonna be the
store about your wife.

Boy, if that's what marriage is,

you should be
committing suicide.

Hello, Eddie, it's me.

Maude called again?

Eddie, where did you
tell her I was this time?

The men's room?

Eddie, that's five
times you told her

I was in the men's room!

Maude isn't gonna believe that!

She calls me "old iron bladder."

Lord, I'll have to
call Maude again.

Adele, let me have another
one of those Rolaids.

Mr. Findlay, it's all my fault

you're making such
an ass of yourself.

Look, do you want me to get
on the phone and explain it to her.

Adele, how can I tell her

I'm calling from a
young girl's apartment

because her boyfriend left her?

Even I wouldn't believe it!

Guess who, sweetheart?

Sorry, fella.

See what you made
me do? A wrong number.

Hello, Maude?

"Old iron bladder" here.

Oh, come on.

So what if I went into the
men's room for the fifth time?

The old iron was
beginning to rust.

Maude, don't get so angry.

Maude, would you listen?

Maude, Maude. Maude! Sit!

There's no chair?

I'll be right home,
dear. Yes, right away.

So, now you heard
me just tell her.

I promised!

Now, give me
those sleeping pills.

You're okay now anyway.

I'm a Gemini. I'm never okay.

But don't you understand

what could happen
if my wife found out

that I was here with you?

What if this building got
on fire and I got trapped?

With your gas, there'd
be an awful explosion.

Very funny, but it could happen.

I mean, guys have gotten
trapped in girls' apartments before.

Fires, police raids..

I even knew a guy

who had a heart attack
in a girl's apartment.

How do you explain
that to your wife?

I mean, he thought
he had indigestion

but it was really a hea...

A hea... a hea...

Mr. Findlay, you're not
having a heart attack.

Why not?

My chest is killing me.

It's like an elephant
stomping on me.

- I'm gonna call your wife.
- No!

I'll call Arthur.

Arthur always told me.

Don't wait if you get a pain.

Check it out.

Hello, Arthur?

It's Walter here.

Oh, I'm sorry I
woke you, Arthur.

But, well, I got this
pain in my chest and...

is this, uh, tingling
running down my left arm.

No, don't run over next door!

Because the pains
aren't over next door.

They are over here.

Arthur, please don't tell
Maude but come over quick.

112 Lovebird Lane.

Apartment 3B.

- Oh, boy.
- Here.

Here, sit down.

Oh, boy. Am I a loser.

Dear God, don't let me die here

or I'll never
hear the end of it!

Eddie, I don't care

if he went out to
get a Snicker bar.

You tell him if he is
not home in ten minutes,

we are finished, terminated,
kaput, over and out!

- Maude, Maude.
- It's you, Vivian.

Maude, listen, you know,
Arthur just ran out of the house...

Please, Vivian, I have
my own problems.

Yeah, but, Maude, Maude, listen.

Maude, Maude.

All right, all right,
Vivian, Vivian,

what are you trying to tell me?

Maude, Maude,
Maude... Arthur just...

Vivian, out with it!

It's panic, isn't
it? It's panic!

Your throat muscles
have tightened up,

and you can't speak.

This is terrible!

He got fresh with you.

He didn't... He didn't
get fresh with you.

First word.

Valentine's Day? He
forgot Valentine's Day?

Sounds like, sounds
like, sounds like.

Uh, hangnail.

Oh, art, art!

Sounds like art,
sounds like art!

Uh, start.

Uh, tart.

Oh, that bum.
He's out with a tart.

No, no.

Oh! Oh!

Heart, heart. Heartburn.

Heartache.

Heart attack!

Arthur had a heart attack.

Oh, this is terrible!

He didn't have a heart attack.

It was somebody else.
Thank heaven. Uh, uh.

Somebody with a runny nose.

Somebody with a mustache.

A man with a moustache
and a pointed head.

A bald spot!

Somebody with a bald
spot and a moustache!

Walter! Walter
had a heart attack!

You're right, Walter.

You did have a heart attack.

Probably a mild one.

My guess is
subendocardial infarction.

Arthur, talk English.

Well, that just means an attack

that didn't go completely
through the heart muscle,

which is good.

We won't know the
whole story, of course,

until we get the results
back on the enzyme test.

Well, good night, Walter.

Arthur, wait a minute!

What are those little
beeps over there?

Oh, that's you.

As long as you keep beeping,

you're still in the
old ball game.

Arthur, what happened?

Only a couple of weeks ago,
you gave me a complete physical.

You said I was
healthy as a horse.

Ah, there's the rub, Walter.

You're not a horse.

Arthur.

The beeps?

You know, you
were lucky, Walter,

that you were smart enough
to do something right away.

Arthur, the beeps have stopped.

You know, the first couple
of hours are critical...

- when it comes to...
- Dummy! The beep stopped.

Dummy?

Listen, if you and I are gonna

have a good
doctor-patient relationship...

The beeps have stopped?

The beeps have stopped!

How do you like that, Walter?

I kicked the plug
out by mistake!

Relax, Walter! You're alive!

Thanks to Con Edison.

See? It says so right there.

Now, you just take it easy.

Maude's on her way over here...

Maude.

What am I gonna do about Maude?

Will you take it easy, Walter?

She doesn't know a thing,
except you had a heart attack.

You old dog, you!

Oh, come on, Arthur.

I mean, sure, I was
in that girl's apartment,

but believe me,
nothing happened!

So nothing happened.

Don't be embarrassed.

It happens to the best
of us on a bad day.

Arthur!

You just relax and have
a good night's sleep.

Arthur.

Oh, Maudie. I'm
glad you are here.

Arthur. How is he?

Walter is gonna be all right.

He just had a mild heart attack.

Oh, thank God.

Walter? Walter?

Oh, Walter, Walter,
what have I done to you?

Maude!

This is all my fault.

Can you ever forgive me?
I am so sorry, so sorry...

Maude, you're such a good wife!

- I love you!
- Darling!

And I love you, too.

Arthur.

Oh, he's all right, Maudie.

I just gave him a sedative.
He's falling asleep.

Oh.

Arthur.

Arthur, I'm just going to
sit here by his bed tonight.

That won't be necessary, Maudie.

Oh, please, Arthur.

If it hadn't been
for my complaining

while he was working,
he wouldn't be lying here.

Hi, Doctor. Remember
me, the loser?

Yes, nurse... Nurse Loser.

- How is he doing?
- Oh, he's fine, fine, just fine.

Now, I'm... I'm... I'm
tied up for a few minutes.

Would you mind waiting
in the reception room?

I... I'll talk to you later.

Oh, I forgot!

When Walter had the
heart attack in my apartment,

he forgot his glasses.

But, Walter!

You've been in this
hospital for three weeks now.

You're well enough to
have gone home a week ago.

As your physician, I insist
that you leave this hospital.

I want a second opinion.

That was a second opinion.

I told you the same
thing yesterday.

Nurse, Mr. Findlay
is gonna check out.

- No!
- Now listen, Walter,

your enzymes tests are
normal, your EKG looks good...

You're 100% well.

So check him out, nurse.

Oh, by the way,
would you order a, uh,

pelvic traction
for the disc in 839,

ten milligrams of MS
for the broken leg in 873,

and a cheeseburger
for the hernia in 694.

Forget it, Arthur.
I'm not going home.

- Now, Walter...
- I...

I think Maude
knows about this girl!

I got this awful feeling
in the pit of my stomach.

Everybody gets
that feeling, Walter.

It's the hospital food.

I'm telling you, Arthur.

Maude's been acting
very strange lately.

In her last four visits, she
hasn't even blinked once.

Not one blink!

It's like being
married to an owl.

What about you?

Every time Maude comes to
visit, you put on that phony act.

As if you had one
foot in the grave.

Now, you can't spend the
rest of your life here, Walter.

When are you going home?

Well, maybe when
I finish this shawl

I'm knitting for myself.

Come on, Arthur,
you said yourself that

keeping your fingers
moving is good therapy.

- Get out of this bed!
- No! Stop that! Cut it out!

Now, Walter, we've
got to do something

to get you over this obsession
of yours that Maude knows.

To begin with, did you tell her?

You think I'm crazy?

All right, you didn't tell her.

And you certainly know
that I wouldn't tell her.

That would be a violation
of my professional ethics.

And that girl wouldn't tell her.

It'd probably be a violation
of her professional ethics.

- Maudie?
- Arthur!

Walter wants to talk to you.

Yeah. He's coming home.

Hello, Maude?

What?

She sounds happy.
I mean, really happy.

She sounds thrilled.

I'll tell you all about
it when I get there.

Oh, no. That's not necessary.

Arthur will drive me.

I love you, too, sweetie.

Oh, thank you, Arthur!
Where are my clothes?

Where are my clothes?

Oh, it's great to be going home.

Oh, boy!

I never felt so good
about going home.

I could dance.

I knew you'd feel
that way, Walter.

And now that I have finally
got you to agree to go home,

as your physician,

there's one thing I
think I should tell you.

What?

Maude knows.

Walter, get out of the bed.

I'm telling for your own good.

I'm not going anywhere.

Give me. Give me my clothes.

Come on, Walter.

- Nurse!
- Nurse!

And I wanna thank you
both for putting up with me.

I know that for the
past three weeks

I've been driving you crazy.

And the two of you have
been so sweet to give me

your understanding

and your loyalty
and your support.

Oh, Lord, how can I
tell my dearest husband,

the man I love most
in the whole world,

who was lying in that
hospital with a heart attack

that I'm doing my own ironing

so I can afford to
pay a hired killer.

You see, up 'til now
I've only had to face him

during visiting
hours at the hospital.

And, oh, I've been
a champion, Carol.

And, oh, I've been
a champion, Vivian.

I haven't said one word to him,

not one word about
that cock-and-bull story

Arthur gave me about
that girl committing suicide.

Of course, in his condition,
how can I upset him?

Yet, when I think that

he had a heart attack
with that woman,

it infuriates me!

Especially since he
never had one with me.

Play the Jack, Carol.

Oh, why am I acting this way?

So bitter and vindictive.

I should be... I should
be down on my knees

thanking God
that he's still alive.

Play the ten, Viv.

Mother, don't tell
Vivian what to play.

You just looked at my cards.

Carol, I may be vindictive,
but I do not cheat.

Which is more than
I can say for Walter.

Oh, Lord, I've done it again!

I have to forget
about that tramp.

I must not ever, ever, ever,

ever say a word to
him about that girl.

Play the nine, dodo.

Oh, so help me.

If I have to, I'll have
my mouth wired shut.

There isn't enough
wire in the world for that.

Thank you, Carol.

Throw the four.

Gin!

That'll teach you to talk
to your mother that way.

Walter, I absolutely refuse

to have anything to
do with this charade.

Please, Arthur. Just
give me five minutes.

Five minutes to explain
to Maude what happened

while I still have
her sympathy left.

Otherwise, I'll have to
go back to the hospital.

- Oh, no!
- Not now.

When Maude gets through with me.

Thank you, Arthur.

I think I can make it from here.

Oh, darling. Darling!

Please don't touch, Maude!

I tip over so easily.

Hello, Carol, Vivian.

- Welcome home, Walter.
- Hi!

Oh, darling, you look...
You look wonderful.

Doesn't he look wonderful?

Just wonderful.

Wonderful.

Uh, here, sweetheart, let
me help you to the couch.

Maude, I don't wanna
be a burden to you.

I have to learn to do
these things for myself.

Good Lord, he's
turned into Tim Conway.

I made it.

Now, then, where's my knitting?

Uh!

Careful, Walter!

Here it is, here it is.

Oh. Thank you, Carol.

Oh, Arthur, let's go home.
I can't bear to watch this.

Isn't there some
way we can help him?

Only by giving
him acting lessons.

Maudie, remember...

He's to stay on
that low-cholesterol,

low-fat diet I gave you.

Get plenty of rest, and,
of course, go for walks.

Arthur, what about s-e-x?

S-e-x?

Vivian, he can hardly k-n-i-t!

Walter, can I get you
something to drink?

Oh, please, Carol.

A cup of tea.

It'll be good exercise,

squeezing the lemon.

Walter, what is it?

My calisthenics.

Oh, thank heaven!

I thought you were praying.

Oh!

Well, that's enough
for the first week.

Oh, Walter, Walter, Walter.

It's so wonderful
having you back!

Oh, Maude.

Maude, do you know
where my glasses are?

I think I forgot them again.

What, Walter?

My... my glasses.

I think I forgot them... Oh!

Darling, that's all right.
That's all right, sweetheart.

I'm glad you brought it up.

Maude.

No, no, let me be
the one to say it.

Walter, darling, I have to.

Walter,

I know all about that
girl in the apartment.

No, darling, I've said
it, and now it is over.

I know, and now you know I know.

Let's just forget it.

No recriminations,
no accusations.

Walter, it's over.

- Over?
- Over!

Oh, Maude, has
anyone ever told you

that you are the most
wonderful wife in the world?

Oh, darling, darling.

Look, you just relax,

and let Maude nurse
you back to health.

Because, sweetheart,
you're my whole life.

And I can't start to live again

until I know that
you are all right.

Oh, Maude, my Maude,

have I got some
great news for you.

- No, later, darling...
- Oh, no, Maude.

This is great news!

I've been such a heel,

and you've been such a
great guy about everything.

What is it, darling?

I learned that the test
checked out perfectly.

All systems go.

I am completely well!

Oh, Walter.

Walter, are you
telling me the truth?

It is the truth, Maude!

I found out that a heart attack
is not the end of the world!

It's not the end of the world?

Arthur says that
I'm as good as new.

- Walter, you're as...
- Yes!

Maybe even better!

Walter, you mean
you... You're well?

You're well... Oh, he's well!

My Walter's well!

My Walter... Oh, Walter!

I'm the happiest
woman in the world!

You son of a bitch!

Five times in the
men's room, Walter?

You were in that
girl's apartment.