Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 13 - Walter's Ex - full transcript
Walter and Maude are delighted to hear that Walter's ex-wife is getting married which means he can stop alimony parents. When they find out the intended groom is Maude's rich uncle, they realize she is only marrying Henry for his money.
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
- Carol!
- What?
Watch me.
All right. What's wrong?
Carol, you are
looking at a woman
who is on the very brink of
becoming an axe murderess.
That's great!
You finally found a
career to suit your talents.
Keep it up Carol, and
you'll be my first customer.
Right after Mrs. Naugatuck.
She's trying to hit me
up for another raise,
the greedy old bitty.
If she brings it up once more,
I'm gonna cement
her teeth together.
Mother,
so she's dropping a
few hints about a raise,
aren't you overreacting?
Hints, Carol, hints?
She has been driving
me crazy all week.
This morning, I woke up to
find "Help Naugatuck now"
written on the toilet
tissue in the upstairs john.
Ooh, I'll kill her!
Oh, I don't understand you.
If she is so greedy
and so difficult,
and so unreasonable,
why don't you fire her?
What can I do, Carol?
I love her.
Okay, Carol, you
take the high road,
I'll take the low road.
Now, come on.
Hold it!
This demonstration
is in your honor, ma'am.
You're the only one I know
stingier than a Scotchman.
That is a terrible
myth, Mrs. Naugatuck.
The Scotch are not stingy.
I know, but you are.
Wait, Mrs. Naugatuck.
We are in the middle
of a terrible inflation.
Our economy is a disaster.
We must learn to
tighten our belts,
tighten our purse strings.
Well, if you think I'm going
to fall for that malarkey,
you should tighten
your nuts and bolts.
Carol, please do something.
Go and talk to her,
reason with her,
explain to her, and
if that doesn't work,
go for the throat.
Maude, oh, Maude, Maude,
my dynamic, sensational,
marvelous Maude.
I've got news for you.
Maude,
guess what happened to me today.
Guess, come on, guess!
Your prunes worked.
Come on, Maude!
I'm talking about
something really important.
You found a pair of pants
that fits you in the seat.
No, Maude, you don't understand.
-I am free, free, oh,
free, -Oh, Walter,
- I am free!
- Walter, please Walter.
Oh, Maude, you're
gonna be thrilled.
- Just thrilled!
- What is this?
Oh, I can't tell you how I feel.
Oh, I... This is the
happiest day of my life.
Oh-oh, come on, now, Walter.
Try to cheer up.
Maude, you don't understand.
I got a call today, Maude.
I got a phone call
from my ex-wife, Marta.
Miserable Marta called.
Now think, with all
the terrible things
that I've ever
told you about her,
what could happen to her
that would make me the
happiest man in the world?
The Goodyear Blimp fell on her.
Even better than that, Maude.
She's getting married again.
Married!
She went on a singles
cruise to Jamaica,
and finally found
herself a rich,
prince charming.
- No more alimony, Maude.
- Oh.
After nine years,
no more alimony!
No more...
No more checks every month.
Think of all the money we'll
save every year, Maude.
Oh, Walter.
Walter, I'm so happy for you.
I mean, you work so
darn hard for your money.
Now, you'll be
able to enjoy all of it.
Walter.
Walter, we are gonna be rich!
We are?
All right, Mrs. Naugatuck,
it's your lucky day, too.
Now you can have that cost
of living raise you asked for.
Thank you. So the
tightwads finally loosened up.
Oh, how lovely.
I'm going to buy myself
three new uniforms.
I mean, in this
thing I look like
just another sexpot.
You know, Mrs. Naugatuck,
you constantly amaze me.
I just gave you a raise,
and you call me a tightwad.
If I am such a miser,
such a monster,
why don't you just pack
your things and get out?
I couldn't do that.
I love her.
Same to you.
Maude,
you wanna know why I
got us these kimonos?
We are going to...
Japan.
Japan?
Walter!
- Walter, Japan!
- That's right.
- Walter, we go...
- Yes.
- Oh! Walter, I love Japan.
- I know.
- Walter, I adore Japan.
- I know.
Walter, the first song
I learned to play on the
piano was "Chopsticks."
Oh, Walter.
Walter, if Carol had been a boy,
I would've named him Toyota.
Sweetheart, do you realize
how long we've been dying
- to go to The Orient?
- Oh.
We're going to experience
how The Oriental lives.
Oh, Walter, Mount Fuji!
The Ginza!
Bonsai trees, Buddhist temples.
Where will we be staying?
The Holiday Inn.
Tokyo Holiday Inn?
Howard Johnson's was full.
Thank goodness,
you're home, Walter!
Listen, could I borrow your car?
Sure. Where's yours?
Well.
Either Vivian borrowed
it, or it was stolen.
What a terrible thought.
There could be a crook
driving around with MD plates.
Somehow, Arthur, that
doesn't strike me as unusual.
Arthur!
Arthur, the greatest thing
that could ever happen to me
happened today!
You found a pair of pants
that fit you in the seat?
No! Arthur,
my ex-wife, miserable Marta
met a guy on a singles
cruise to Jamaica,
and she is getting married.
You know what that means?
No more alimony!
Well, congratulations, Walter.
Actually, I always liked Marta.
No.
She was an ideal patient.
She had a permanent skin
rash, and money was no object.
Sure, because it was my money.
My ex-wife was never anything
but a heartless money grubber!
Aren't we all?
Maude, she was impossible.
Oh, come on, now, Walter.
Maybe Marta was an ogre,
but maybe she is
a nice ogre now.
I mean, people do change.
Not Marta.
Credit cards.
A mink stole.
You know, she actually
lived with a Hungarian acrobat,
but wouldn't marry him
because her alimony would stop.
And after all that,
after all that,
she still had the
nerve to call me cheap!
Cheap! She called
me... Me cheap.
- She called me cheap.
- Walter.
- Cheap! Cheap!
- Walter.
- I can't stand that word!
- Calm down now, Walter.
Now, it's all over.
- I gave her money!
- It's all right, Maudie.
I've seen this
happen to soldiers
who still thought they
were in the combat zone.
Me cheap! Cheap! Cheap!
Settle down, fella.
The war's over.
We're going back to the States.
You're gonna see
Nell and the twins
- and the old homestead.
- Oh, shut up, Arthur!
See? It worked.
That sounds like my car.
That could either be Vivian,
or a car thief.
If I don't hear a crash,
it's not Vivian.
Thank goodness,
it wasn't stolen!
I'm sorry, Maude.
But every time I think
of miserable Marta,
I get all steamed up.
Oh, come on now, Walter,
if she was so miserable,
how come you stayed
married to her for 11 years?
Well, frankly, Maude, she was
the sexiest woman I ever met.
The second sexiest.
Uh, she was Avis to your Hertz.
You're trying tell
me she tried harder?
You think about that, Walter.
And if you wanna
stay in the driver's seat,
the answer better be Hertz.
- Uncle Henry!
- Surprise!
- Uncle Henry!
- Ah!
- Oh, it is just like you...
- Walter.
To pop in out of the blue.
Let me take a look at you.
You look marvelous, uncle Henry!
Oh, well, say something.
Oh, my ginger snap.
- Ha, ha!
- Oh.
Oh, you know, I almost forgot?
Oh, Walter, ever since
I was six years old,
he's called me as "ginger snap."
That's because she's so spicy.
Get it, Walter,
ginger snaps, spicy?
You see, Walter,
his wit has not dimmed one bit.
That's right. Still a dimwit.
Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck, come
here. I'd like you to meet someone.
No thanks, ma'am. I
can get my own dates.
Mrs. Naugatuck, this is my
uncle Henry from Cleveland.
My favoritest uncle.
Oh, very well.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
Oh! isn't that nice?
He's brought you a present
from Aunt Emma's Bakery.
Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck,
uncle Henry is Aunt Emma.
I don't care to know
about his private life.
No, no, no.
Until I retired a year ago,
I was Aunt Emma,
the cookie king of Ohio.
Oh, I completely understand.
I have a transvestite nephew
who is the drag
queen of Chelsea.
Ta-ta!
C'mon, uncle Henry!
C'mon, Maude! Sit down!
Ooh! Cookie.
Look at all these cookies.
Uncle Henry, you are the
most generous man in the world.
Why not, I'm rolling in dough.
Get that, Walter?
Hot as a pistol.
But, Unc, you still
haven't told me
why you just dropped in
out of the blue like this?
Well, it's no
coincidence, Maude.
I have the happiest
news in the world.
And there's nobody
I'd rather share it with
than my favorite little niece,
Ginger Snap.
Maude, Walter,
I'm getting married.
Oh, Uncle Henry.
- Congratulations! That's marvelous.
- Wonderful.
After all these
years of being lonely.
Oh, Walter, do you realize?
Two new marriages
in our lives in one day.
Oh, but wait!
The biggest coincidence
is yet to come.
I was on this singles
cruise to Jamaica,
and I met this girl.
We just hit it off.
You were on a singles
cruise to Jamaica?
Oh, c'mon Maude, don't
be silly, it just couldn't be.
- It just couldn't be, I mean...
- You talk about coincidences,
Oh, wait, here's my surprise!
- Marta.
- Bingo.
Here's my vanilla wafer.
Oh, Walter, darling.
Still just as handsome as ever.
Hi, Marta.
And don't tell me. I know.
This has to be my new niece.
How about a nice kiss
for your Aunty Marta?
Well, what do you
two have to say?
Wonderful!
Congratulations!
- I wanna see you in the kitchen.
- I wanna see you in the kitchen.
If you'll excuse us,
we'll just go into the kitchen
and make some coffee
to go with all these ...cookies.
Oh, the cookies.
Cookies.
- Walter.
- Maude.
I know what you're thinking.
But remember,
the minute they get married,
I am through paying alimony.
Walter, she is a
thieving, conniving,
lecherous, money grubber
who is out to take my
uncle for every cent he has.
I like her.
Walter!
Maude, you yourself
said, "People do change."
And tonight,
after observing her,
after carefully
studying her, Maude,
the little twinkle in her eye
and the obvious affection
she has for Uncle Henry,
I have come to the
conclusion that she is a delight.
Walter, she has been
here for just 10 seconds.
Maude, I am a retail merchant.
The moment the customer
walks through my door,
I can size him up.
I know, Walter. That's why
you've been held up three times
in the past six months.
Maude?
- Maude?
- Oh, Walter,
Walter, honey, I love you.
You know I do
and I feel for you.
And I don't want you
to have to continue
to worry about Marta's alimony.
But, Walter, I love
that old guy, too.
And I just don't want him
to end up being a bitter,
exploited,
plucked-clean schnook.
Like you.
I didn't mean that, Walter.
Maude, I'm not interested
in saving the alimony.
Maude,
this is a question
of human feelings.
Compassion.
Sweetheart.
We... who have so much together,
have a chance now
to forgive and to forget.
We have a chance to give
that sweet girl her dream.
We cannot play God.
We have no right
to meddle in the lives
of those two swell
kids out there.
Marta was right about one thing.
- What?
- You're cheap.
Don't you dare call me cheap!
I can't stand that word!
That's all I used to hear!
Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap,
Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap,
Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap.
Walter, are you planning
on flying South for the winter?
That's not funny,
Maude. That is not funny!
I see you still have a tendency
to blow your top, Walter.
I also see there's not
much top left to blow.
You see, Maude?
You see how witty she's become?
What a great sense of humor!
Walter, why don't you go out
and keep Uncle Henry company?
Ginger Snap would like
to talk to Vanilla Wafer.
Ginger snap, vanilla
wafer. That's funny.
I'm going, you don't
have to push me.
Who's pushing?
So, you're Maude?
Maude, Maude, Maude.
And you are Marta?
Marta, Marta, Marta.
Listen, Maude,
I can see you're in
a little bit of a shock.
And I'm sorry
I couldn't tell Walter
who the lucky man was.
But your uncle Henry
wanted to tell him
to surprise himself.
And you know,
it is kind of funny.
Well no...
You don't know, oh, no.
I... I mean, Walt...
Walter's first wife
marrying his
second wife's uncle.
Well, thereby making
the second wife
his first wife's niece.
That's a riot, Marta.
Yes, isn't it?
You know, Maude.
If you saw this
in a soap opera...
I'd give up soap.
Oh, that's a riot, Maude.
Well, c'mon,
Maude, let's face it.
Let's be honest.
Even if it kills us.
You go first.
- All right.
- Oh, never mind,
I'll go first.
Look, Marta, all I want
is the answer to
one little question.
Mmm?
Marta, I love my uncle.
All I'm interested
in is his happiness.
Marta, are you
marrying him for love?
Of course!
Marta, do you mean that?
For love!
Oh! Marta, I've
been such a fool.
That's all I wanted to hear.
You're marrying for love.
Oh, welcome to the family.
Welcome to the family.
Love of comfort.
Love of luxury.
Love of money.
Really it is so difficult
to keep a family
together these days.
Maude, does my
honesty shock you?
No, not at all, I'm jealous.
I couldn't have put it
less tactfully myself.
Well, look, Maude, there is
one difference between us.
I mean, you have your man.
So, why begrudge me one?
And Maude, stop worrying
about your uncle Henry.
He is going to love
being married to me.
Maude,
I am a barrel of fun.
I'll buy half of that.
Well, I see you girls are
getting along just fine.
Just fine, Walter.
Isn't she charming, Maude?
Walter, I'm so sorry I said all
those terrible things about her.
She is not a conniving,
lecherous, money grubber.
She is a barracuda.
And the worse kind,
a laughing barracuda.
Okay, Maude, what if she is?
But if you go out and
tell that to Uncle Henry,
he is gonna hate you for it.
Walter, I've
survived hate before.
Three ex-husbands and a
mother who wanted a boy.
Well, I wish your mother
had gotten her wish.
Maude, look, you can't
do this. You can't do this.
- Can't I?
- No, you can't, Maude.
Don't you dare open your mouth.
You said yourself I
deserve that money.
Money doesn't grow
on trees, you know!
As they say in my business,
only paste grows on trees.
Pastries!
Get it, Walter?
Oh, that's funny,
I like that, Henry.
Get it, Walter?
You don't know
how I am getting it.
Or where.
Please, Maude, I beg of you...
Now, look, Walter,
I love my uncle.
Any happiness I had
as a child, I owe to him
and I have to tell him.
Okay, Maude, then go ahead!
But if you do,
then I no longer can
afford these kimonos!
You can kiss your Tokyo
Holiday Inn goodbye!
We'll have to sell this house
just so we can
afford to stay at home.
Oh, I see he's
cheap with you, too.
Look, don't you start up!
Cheap?
I worked my butt off, buying
you furs and flashy cars.
Furs? Flashy cars?
You bought me a huge Volkswagen
with a foxtail on the antenna.
Marta, don't you dare
pick on my husband.
I'm the only one in this room
who has the right
to call him cheap.
And Walter, that's what
you are. You're cheap.
- Cheap-cheap-cheap-cheap.
- Cheap! Cheap!
All right!
All right, all right!
All right, you win, Maude.
Tell him!
Uncle Henry, even though
you're gonna hate me
for saying this to
you, I... I have to say it
because of all the
happiness that you brought me
when I was a kid and
for all these years
that I've been
lucky enough to
be your ginger snap.
Uncle Henry,
Marta's marrying
you for your money.
I know that.
You may be a ginger
snap, but I'm not a fruitcake.
But uncle, I...
Let's face it, Maude.
We have an understanding.
Why else would a gorgeous
girl like Marta wanna marry
an old futz like me?
Henry dear,
don't talk like that.
But that's the truth, sweetie.
We do have an understanding.
Look at it this
way, Ginger Snap.
She's marrying me for everything
she can get her hands on.
That's exactly why
I'm marrying her.
She's given me the
first happiness I've had
since my late wife, Harriet,
may her soul rest in peace,
choked to death on
one of my macaroons.
Ginger Snap,
I appreciate what
you're trying to do, but
that's the way
the banana splits.
Or as we say in
the bakery trade,
"That's the way the
cookie crumbles."
Get it, Maude?
It's a riot, Marta.
C'mon, Vanilla Wafer.
If you're gonna start
spending my money,
we can't do it
sittin' around here.
Whatever you say, Teddy Bear.
- Goodbye, Walter.
- Bye, kids.
- Bye, Maude.
- Bye.
I'll be a son of a gun.
Maude?
What can you say?
I only hope she likes macaroons.
And 3% for laundry.
And 1%.
Your cost of living
increase comes to exactly
$6.34 a week.
Negotiations closed.
Not quite, ma'am.
There's just one more point.
Am I entitled to
maternity leave?
Maternity leave?
Well, it's customary!
At your age, impossible.
Anything's possible if you
press the right button, ma'am.
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
- Carol!
- What?
Watch me.
All right. What's wrong?
Carol, you are
looking at a woman
who is on the very brink of
becoming an axe murderess.
That's great!
You finally found a
career to suit your talents.
Keep it up Carol, and
you'll be my first customer.
Right after Mrs. Naugatuck.
She's trying to hit me
up for another raise,
the greedy old bitty.
If she brings it up once more,
I'm gonna cement
her teeth together.
Mother,
so she's dropping a
few hints about a raise,
aren't you overreacting?
Hints, Carol, hints?
She has been driving
me crazy all week.
This morning, I woke up to
find "Help Naugatuck now"
written on the toilet
tissue in the upstairs john.
Ooh, I'll kill her!
Oh, I don't understand you.
If she is so greedy
and so difficult,
and so unreasonable,
why don't you fire her?
What can I do, Carol?
I love her.
Okay, Carol, you
take the high road,
I'll take the low road.
Now, come on.
Hold it!
This demonstration
is in your honor, ma'am.
You're the only one I know
stingier than a Scotchman.
That is a terrible
myth, Mrs. Naugatuck.
The Scotch are not stingy.
I know, but you are.
Wait, Mrs. Naugatuck.
We are in the middle
of a terrible inflation.
Our economy is a disaster.
We must learn to
tighten our belts,
tighten our purse strings.
Well, if you think I'm going
to fall for that malarkey,
you should tighten
your nuts and bolts.
Carol, please do something.
Go and talk to her,
reason with her,
explain to her, and
if that doesn't work,
go for the throat.
Maude, oh, Maude, Maude,
my dynamic, sensational,
marvelous Maude.
I've got news for you.
Maude,
guess what happened to me today.
Guess, come on, guess!
Your prunes worked.
Come on, Maude!
I'm talking about
something really important.
You found a pair of pants
that fits you in the seat.
No, Maude, you don't understand.
-I am free, free, oh,
free, -Oh, Walter,
- I am free!
- Walter, please Walter.
Oh, Maude, you're
gonna be thrilled.
- Just thrilled!
- What is this?
Oh, I can't tell you how I feel.
Oh, I... This is the
happiest day of my life.
Oh-oh, come on, now, Walter.
Try to cheer up.
Maude, you don't understand.
I got a call today, Maude.
I got a phone call
from my ex-wife, Marta.
Miserable Marta called.
Now think, with all
the terrible things
that I've ever
told you about her,
what could happen to her
that would make me the
happiest man in the world?
The Goodyear Blimp fell on her.
Even better than that, Maude.
She's getting married again.
Married!
She went on a singles
cruise to Jamaica,
and finally found
herself a rich,
prince charming.
- No more alimony, Maude.
- Oh.
After nine years,
no more alimony!
No more...
No more checks every month.
Think of all the money we'll
save every year, Maude.
Oh, Walter.
Walter, I'm so happy for you.
I mean, you work so
darn hard for your money.
Now, you'll be
able to enjoy all of it.
Walter.
Walter, we are gonna be rich!
We are?
All right, Mrs. Naugatuck,
it's your lucky day, too.
Now you can have that cost
of living raise you asked for.
Thank you. So the
tightwads finally loosened up.
Oh, how lovely.
I'm going to buy myself
three new uniforms.
I mean, in this
thing I look like
just another sexpot.
You know, Mrs. Naugatuck,
you constantly amaze me.
I just gave you a raise,
and you call me a tightwad.
If I am such a miser,
such a monster,
why don't you just pack
your things and get out?
I couldn't do that.
I love her.
Same to you.
Maude,
you wanna know why I
got us these kimonos?
We are going to...
Japan.
Japan?
Walter!
- Walter, Japan!
- That's right.
- Walter, we go...
- Yes.
- Oh! Walter, I love Japan.
- I know.
- Walter, I adore Japan.
- I know.
Walter, the first song
I learned to play on the
piano was "Chopsticks."
Oh, Walter.
Walter, if Carol had been a boy,
I would've named him Toyota.
Sweetheart, do you realize
how long we've been dying
- to go to The Orient?
- Oh.
We're going to experience
how The Oriental lives.
Oh, Walter, Mount Fuji!
The Ginza!
Bonsai trees, Buddhist temples.
Where will we be staying?
The Holiday Inn.
Tokyo Holiday Inn?
Howard Johnson's was full.
Thank goodness,
you're home, Walter!
Listen, could I borrow your car?
Sure. Where's yours?
Well.
Either Vivian borrowed
it, or it was stolen.
What a terrible thought.
There could be a crook
driving around with MD plates.
Somehow, Arthur, that
doesn't strike me as unusual.
Arthur!
Arthur, the greatest thing
that could ever happen to me
happened today!
You found a pair of pants
that fit you in the seat?
No! Arthur,
my ex-wife, miserable Marta
met a guy on a singles
cruise to Jamaica,
and she is getting married.
You know what that means?
No more alimony!
Well, congratulations, Walter.
Actually, I always liked Marta.
No.
She was an ideal patient.
She had a permanent skin
rash, and money was no object.
Sure, because it was my money.
My ex-wife was never anything
but a heartless money grubber!
Aren't we all?
Maude, she was impossible.
Oh, come on, now, Walter.
Maybe Marta was an ogre,
but maybe she is
a nice ogre now.
I mean, people do change.
Not Marta.
Credit cards.
A mink stole.
You know, she actually
lived with a Hungarian acrobat,
but wouldn't marry him
because her alimony would stop.
And after all that,
after all that,
she still had the
nerve to call me cheap!
Cheap! She called
me... Me cheap.
- She called me cheap.
- Walter.
- Cheap! Cheap!
- Walter.
- I can't stand that word!
- Calm down now, Walter.
Now, it's all over.
- I gave her money!
- It's all right, Maudie.
I've seen this
happen to soldiers
who still thought they
were in the combat zone.
Me cheap! Cheap! Cheap!
Settle down, fella.
The war's over.
We're going back to the States.
You're gonna see
Nell and the twins
- and the old homestead.
- Oh, shut up, Arthur!
See? It worked.
That sounds like my car.
That could either be Vivian,
or a car thief.
If I don't hear a crash,
it's not Vivian.
Thank goodness,
it wasn't stolen!
I'm sorry, Maude.
But every time I think
of miserable Marta,
I get all steamed up.
Oh, come on now, Walter,
if she was so miserable,
how come you stayed
married to her for 11 years?
Well, frankly, Maude, she was
the sexiest woman I ever met.
The second sexiest.
Uh, she was Avis to your Hertz.
You're trying tell
me she tried harder?
You think about that, Walter.
And if you wanna
stay in the driver's seat,
the answer better be Hertz.
- Uncle Henry!
- Surprise!
- Uncle Henry!
- Ah!
- Oh, it is just like you...
- Walter.
To pop in out of the blue.
Let me take a look at you.
You look marvelous, uncle Henry!
Oh, well, say something.
Oh, my ginger snap.
- Ha, ha!
- Oh.
Oh, you know, I almost forgot?
Oh, Walter, ever since
I was six years old,
he's called me as "ginger snap."
That's because she's so spicy.
Get it, Walter,
ginger snaps, spicy?
You see, Walter,
his wit has not dimmed one bit.
That's right. Still a dimwit.
Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck, come
here. I'd like you to meet someone.
No thanks, ma'am. I
can get my own dates.
Mrs. Naugatuck, this is my
uncle Henry from Cleveland.
My favoritest uncle.
Oh, very well.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
Oh! isn't that nice?
He's brought you a present
from Aunt Emma's Bakery.
Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck,
uncle Henry is Aunt Emma.
I don't care to know
about his private life.
No, no, no.
Until I retired a year ago,
I was Aunt Emma,
the cookie king of Ohio.
Oh, I completely understand.
I have a transvestite nephew
who is the drag
queen of Chelsea.
Ta-ta!
C'mon, uncle Henry!
C'mon, Maude! Sit down!
Ooh! Cookie.
Look at all these cookies.
Uncle Henry, you are the
most generous man in the world.
Why not, I'm rolling in dough.
Get that, Walter?
Hot as a pistol.
But, Unc, you still
haven't told me
why you just dropped in
out of the blue like this?
Well, it's no
coincidence, Maude.
I have the happiest
news in the world.
And there's nobody
I'd rather share it with
than my favorite little niece,
Ginger Snap.
Maude, Walter,
I'm getting married.
Oh, Uncle Henry.
- Congratulations! That's marvelous.
- Wonderful.
After all these
years of being lonely.
Oh, Walter, do you realize?
Two new marriages
in our lives in one day.
Oh, but wait!
The biggest coincidence
is yet to come.
I was on this singles
cruise to Jamaica,
and I met this girl.
We just hit it off.
You were on a singles
cruise to Jamaica?
Oh, c'mon Maude, don't
be silly, it just couldn't be.
- It just couldn't be, I mean...
- You talk about coincidences,
Oh, wait, here's my surprise!
- Marta.
- Bingo.
Here's my vanilla wafer.
Oh, Walter, darling.
Still just as handsome as ever.
Hi, Marta.
And don't tell me. I know.
This has to be my new niece.
How about a nice kiss
for your Aunty Marta?
Well, what do you
two have to say?
Wonderful!
Congratulations!
- I wanna see you in the kitchen.
- I wanna see you in the kitchen.
If you'll excuse us,
we'll just go into the kitchen
and make some coffee
to go with all these ...cookies.
Oh, the cookies.
Cookies.
- Walter.
- Maude.
I know what you're thinking.
But remember,
the minute they get married,
I am through paying alimony.
Walter, she is a
thieving, conniving,
lecherous, money grubber
who is out to take my
uncle for every cent he has.
I like her.
Walter!
Maude, you yourself
said, "People do change."
And tonight,
after observing her,
after carefully
studying her, Maude,
the little twinkle in her eye
and the obvious affection
she has for Uncle Henry,
I have come to the
conclusion that she is a delight.
Walter, she has been
here for just 10 seconds.
Maude, I am a retail merchant.
The moment the customer
walks through my door,
I can size him up.
I know, Walter. That's why
you've been held up three times
in the past six months.
Maude?
- Maude?
- Oh, Walter,
Walter, honey, I love you.
You know I do
and I feel for you.
And I don't want you
to have to continue
to worry about Marta's alimony.
But, Walter, I love
that old guy, too.
And I just don't want him
to end up being a bitter,
exploited,
plucked-clean schnook.
Like you.
I didn't mean that, Walter.
Maude, I'm not interested
in saving the alimony.
Maude,
this is a question
of human feelings.
Compassion.
Sweetheart.
We... who have so much together,
have a chance now
to forgive and to forget.
We have a chance to give
that sweet girl her dream.
We cannot play God.
We have no right
to meddle in the lives
of those two swell
kids out there.
Marta was right about one thing.
- What?
- You're cheap.
Don't you dare call me cheap!
I can't stand that word!
That's all I used to hear!
Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap,
Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap,
Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap.
Walter, are you planning
on flying South for the winter?
That's not funny,
Maude. That is not funny!
I see you still have a tendency
to blow your top, Walter.
I also see there's not
much top left to blow.
You see, Maude?
You see how witty she's become?
What a great sense of humor!
Walter, why don't you go out
and keep Uncle Henry company?
Ginger Snap would like
to talk to Vanilla Wafer.
Ginger snap, vanilla
wafer. That's funny.
I'm going, you don't
have to push me.
Who's pushing?
So, you're Maude?
Maude, Maude, Maude.
And you are Marta?
Marta, Marta, Marta.
Listen, Maude,
I can see you're in
a little bit of a shock.
And I'm sorry
I couldn't tell Walter
who the lucky man was.
But your uncle Henry
wanted to tell him
to surprise himself.
And you know,
it is kind of funny.
Well no...
You don't know, oh, no.
I... I mean, Walt...
Walter's first wife
marrying his
second wife's uncle.
Well, thereby making
the second wife
his first wife's niece.
That's a riot, Marta.
Yes, isn't it?
You know, Maude.
If you saw this
in a soap opera...
I'd give up soap.
Oh, that's a riot, Maude.
Well, c'mon,
Maude, let's face it.
Let's be honest.
Even if it kills us.
You go first.
- All right.
- Oh, never mind,
I'll go first.
Look, Marta, all I want
is the answer to
one little question.
Mmm?
Marta, I love my uncle.
All I'm interested
in is his happiness.
Marta, are you
marrying him for love?
Of course!
Marta, do you mean that?
For love!
Oh! Marta, I've
been such a fool.
That's all I wanted to hear.
You're marrying for love.
Oh, welcome to the family.
Welcome to the family.
Love of comfort.
Love of luxury.
Love of money.
Really it is so difficult
to keep a family
together these days.
Maude, does my
honesty shock you?
No, not at all, I'm jealous.
I couldn't have put it
less tactfully myself.
Well, look, Maude, there is
one difference between us.
I mean, you have your man.
So, why begrudge me one?
And Maude, stop worrying
about your uncle Henry.
He is going to love
being married to me.
Maude,
I am a barrel of fun.
I'll buy half of that.
Well, I see you girls are
getting along just fine.
Just fine, Walter.
Isn't she charming, Maude?
Walter, I'm so sorry I said all
those terrible things about her.
She is not a conniving,
lecherous, money grubber.
She is a barracuda.
And the worse kind,
a laughing barracuda.
Okay, Maude, what if she is?
But if you go out and
tell that to Uncle Henry,
he is gonna hate you for it.
Walter, I've
survived hate before.
Three ex-husbands and a
mother who wanted a boy.
Well, I wish your mother
had gotten her wish.
Maude, look, you can't
do this. You can't do this.
- Can't I?
- No, you can't, Maude.
Don't you dare open your mouth.
You said yourself I
deserve that money.
Money doesn't grow
on trees, you know!
As they say in my business,
only paste grows on trees.
Pastries!
Get it, Walter?
Oh, that's funny,
I like that, Henry.
Get it, Walter?
You don't know
how I am getting it.
Or where.
Please, Maude, I beg of you...
Now, look, Walter,
I love my uncle.
Any happiness I had
as a child, I owe to him
and I have to tell him.
Okay, Maude, then go ahead!
But if you do,
then I no longer can
afford these kimonos!
You can kiss your Tokyo
Holiday Inn goodbye!
We'll have to sell this house
just so we can
afford to stay at home.
Oh, I see he's
cheap with you, too.
Look, don't you start up!
Cheap?
I worked my butt off, buying
you furs and flashy cars.
Furs? Flashy cars?
You bought me a huge Volkswagen
with a foxtail on the antenna.
Marta, don't you dare
pick on my husband.
I'm the only one in this room
who has the right
to call him cheap.
And Walter, that's what
you are. You're cheap.
- Cheap-cheap-cheap-cheap.
- Cheap! Cheap!
All right!
All right, all right!
All right, you win, Maude.
Tell him!
Uncle Henry, even though
you're gonna hate me
for saying this to
you, I... I have to say it
because of all the
happiness that you brought me
when I was a kid and
for all these years
that I've been
lucky enough to
be your ginger snap.
Uncle Henry,
Marta's marrying
you for your money.
I know that.
You may be a ginger
snap, but I'm not a fruitcake.
But uncle, I...
Let's face it, Maude.
We have an understanding.
Why else would a gorgeous
girl like Marta wanna marry
an old futz like me?
Henry dear,
don't talk like that.
But that's the truth, sweetie.
We do have an understanding.
Look at it this
way, Ginger Snap.
She's marrying me for everything
she can get her hands on.
That's exactly why
I'm marrying her.
She's given me the
first happiness I've had
since my late wife, Harriet,
may her soul rest in peace,
choked to death on
one of my macaroons.
Ginger Snap,
I appreciate what
you're trying to do, but
that's the way
the banana splits.
Or as we say in
the bakery trade,
"That's the way the
cookie crumbles."
Get it, Maude?
It's a riot, Marta.
C'mon, Vanilla Wafer.
If you're gonna start
spending my money,
we can't do it
sittin' around here.
Whatever you say, Teddy Bear.
- Goodbye, Walter.
- Bye, kids.
- Bye, Maude.
- Bye.
I'll be a son of a gun.
Maude?
What can you say?
I only hope she likes macaroons.
And 3% for laundry.
And 1%.
Your cost of living
increase comes to exactly
$6.34 a week.
Negotiations closed.
Not quite, ma'am.
There's just one more point.
Am I entitled to
maternity leave?
Maternity leave?
Well, it's customary!
At your age, impossible.
Anything's possible if you
press the right button, ma'am.
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪