Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 12 - Maude's New Friend - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

♪ It's impossible ♪

♪ For Maude Findlay
to go braless ♪

♪ It's impossible ♪

- Evening, Maude.
- Oh, hi, honey.

Sweetheart, I haven't
seen you all day.

Don't I rate a kiss?



Not now, Maude.

Ever since lunch, I've had a
caraway seed stuck in my...

In my back tooth
that's driving me crazy.

Where's the dental floss?

You know, I can never
find anything in that cabinet.

Honey, it's on the
right-hand side.

I always very
carefully put everything

pertaining to dental
hygiene in the same place.

Since when?

Since the morning you
gargled with my Lydia Pinkham.

Oh, and honey... honey,
would you hurry it up?

Arthur's dropping by

and I invited Barry
over for cocktails.

Barry?

Barry Witherspoon?

Not Barry Witherspoon.

You can't mean Barry
Witherspoon, Maude,

not again, not again!

I knew you'd be pleased.

That conceited, pompous windbag
is coming over again tonight?

Yeah, Arthur wants to
meet him. He's read his book.

Oh, but Vivian can't make it.

She's gone to the dog
show with her dog, Chuck.

Since when does she
enter Chuck in dog shows?

She doesn't, dear.
Chuck likes to watch.

Leave it to Vivian to
have a wire-haired voyeur.

That's where I should go.

I'd rather watch a bunch of dogs

sitting and heeling
than listen to Barry.

Good idea, Walter.

Maybe you'll learn how
to roll over and play dead.

I tell ya, I'd get a lot
more sleep that way.

You promised me

I would never have to go
through another evening

with that egotistical
know-it-all.

Know-it-all? Walter,
the man has just written

a best-selling novel.

It's only a best
seller in Tuckahoe,

and that's because
you personally nagged

half the town into
buying his lousy book.

Walter, you are a small man,

a very small man.

You are an American bonsai.

It just so happens that Barry
is a fascinating human being,

and you would know that

if you had read his
book as I asked you to,

instead of those
dumb sports articles.

They are not dumb!

Huh?

Joe Namath tells,

"How to make love
with your helmet on."

He got five commercials
that way, Maude.

And two bad knees.

I'm sick of Barry coming
over and putting me down

every time I open my mouth.

Walter, that's Barry.

Honey, he does
that with everyone.

Personally, I
find it refreshing.

Oh.

Damn, dental floss
people never tell you that

a grown man can't possibly shove

four fingers into his mouth
without breaking his jaw.

Will you do it for me?

Sweetheart, when we were married

I promise to love,
honor and cherish.

I don't remember anything about

removing food particles
from between your teeth.

Okay, Maude.

I'll spend the entire night
sucking my teeth like this.

Is that what you want out of
our marriage, Maude, huh, this?

You know, Walter, there
is such a simple way

of using dental floss.

It really amazes me
that you don't know how.

Yeah? Okay, Maude, how?

You'll find a needle
in my sewing box.

Now, string the dental floss

through the eye of the needle
the way you would thread.

You want your glasses, Walter,

or does crossing
your eyes turn you on?

I can see it. I can see it!

- Now what?
- All right, now...

put two fingers of your
left hand inside your mouth.

Now hold the needle
with your right hand.

Now stick the needle
in your right ear.

Carefully pass it
down the ear canal.

Very funny, Maude!

You see, Walter, I
did that deliberately.

Now, that was far more vicious

than anything Barry's ever done,

and you don't hate me.
You love me. Right, Walter?

Hello?

Oh, hi, Barry.

What?

You're gonna be a little
late? No, that's all right.

I... I actually I invited
Dr. Harmon over for cocktails.

Yeah, he read your book,
and he's dying to meet you.

Yeah, then I thought
that just you, Walter, and I

would go out for dinner.

Uh, look, Barry, I'm sorry.

What you hear is
Walter's famous imitation

of Jacques Cousteau
getting the bends.

Walter, please!

I can't hear over that racket!

Yeah, hello again.

Oh, Barry.

Barry!

God will get you
for that, Walter.

Barr? Yeah, listen, don't worry.

I promise you we'll just
have a very quiet evening.

Okay, bye-bye.

Maude, we are not having
dinner with that guy tonight.

I told you I can't stand him.

Guy gets some special
pleasure reminding me

that I didn't
graduate high school.

Like last time, in
front of everybody,

giving me that lecture
on the difference between

"infer" and "imply,"
as if I didn't know.

Oh, come on now, Walter.

He just gets
impatient with ninnies

who constantly
misuse those words.

Are you inferring I'm a ninny?

Of course not, sweetheart.

I'm implying you're a ninny.

You were inferring.

Oh, another thing, Walter,

you don't have to worry about

having dandruff on your tonsils.

This time you were gargling
with my Head & Shoulders.

How you doing, Dr. Harmon?

- Hi, Carol.
- What have you got there?

Oh, this is
Mr. Witherspoon's novel.

I see you're
reading it too, Carol.

I wanna see if I can
get him to sign my copy.

I collect autographs, too.

My prize is Sigmund Freud.

You really met Freud?

Met him? He was my analyst.

Sigmund Freud analyzed you?

Well, he wanted to.

But I live by one rule in life,

never trust a doctor who
has a couch in his office.

- Okay, Walter, go ahead.
- -Maude.

- Maude.
- Go ahead, go ahead.

Leave me with a
house full of people.

- You just go ahead.
- Maude, I am, I am.

I definitely am!

I'm not going to spend

another evening with
Barry Witherspoon.

That's it!

For heaven's sake,
Walter, what could be wrong

with spending an evening
with a famous author

like Barry Witherspoon?

You know, last week

he had his picture in
the Women's Wear Daily.

What kind of dress
was he modeling?

Walter, that was a
prejudiced remark.

- Oh, what are you talking about?
- Oh, come on, Walter.

Didn't you hear yourself?

The reason you
dislike Barry is because

subconsciously you
resent the fact that he's...

A homosexual.

I don't resent anyone
being a homosexual.

Neither do I.

I adore gay people.

They're so much more
fun than bullfighters.

What I do resent
is your accusation.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You mean this
Witherspoon is a...

Yes, but that has nothing
to do with anything.

Once you get to know
him, you'll love him.

Can't we just be friends?

You see, Walter, I can expect

a remark like that from Arthur,

but you, I mean I...
I'm shocked to find out

that you have a hang-up.

- What are you talking about?
- Oh, come on, Walter,

you're ill, ill!

Outside, you're Mr. Nice
Guy, and inside, super-jock.

I resent that. What
a terrible thing to say!

What's all the fuss about?

Just because a man's homosexual?

We think quite highly
of them in England.

Our government's full of them.

The only one we're positive
isn't a queen is the queen.

Mrs. Naugatuck, I just
hate remarks like that.

I'm beginning to realize I
am the only person here

who is not prejudiced.

Mother, you can't
say that about me.

I dated a guy that was gay.

Really? Why?

He was a marvelous dancer,

and he did my
hair for half price.

- Carol!
- I'm kidding.

But you said it anyway...

Oh, Carol, don't you understand

you put homosexuals
in a different category.

Well, at least I don't do that.

It doesn't make any difference
to me what a person is.

Although, I'm not surprised
about this Witherspoon.

After all, he's a writer.

Oh, and all authors
are homosexual?

Right, Arthur?

I suppose Eugene
O'Neill was gay.

Oh, that's different.
He was Irish.

What has being
Irish got to do with it?

Are you trying to tell me
the Notre Dame football team

isn't straight?

I don't believe this.

Oh, that's because

the Notre Dame
football team is Polish.

You know... You see
you all have problems.

To me, Barry Witherspoon

is just a sensitive,
warm human being.

And now, so far
as I'm concerned,

I would just like to drop
the entire conversation.

Sure you would.

The only reason you're
so friendly with him is... is

because Barry is your
personal homosexual.

You're prejudiced in reverse!

You're not serious, Walter.

Of course, why didn't
I think about it before?

Some people show off their
new cars or their new house.

You show off Barry.

Walter, that's hilarious.

Walter.

Stop laughing, Maude.

Maude, you know I hate
it when you laugh like that.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

This is the first
good laugh I've had

since Ford got into
the White House,

and you said, "Thank God,
now we'll get straight talk."

Maude, you know that I am right.

About you and Barry.

He's your proof

that you're the big liberal,
completely unbiased.

Come on, Walter.

Are you actually inferring
that I'm that shallow?

No. You're inferring.

I'm implying.

That's what is so
petty about you, Walter.

You learn one dumb thing

and then you laud
it over everyone.

I reserve the right
to dislike any person,

gay or not.

When he's a rotten human being.

I mean, just because Carol,
Arthur, and Mrs. Naugatuck

have a hang-up,

- that doesn't mean...
- They have a hang-up?

- What are you talking about?
- You have more hang-ups...

Wait, Walter.

Shh.

Not another word
about this. You hear me?

Not another word
tonight, and I mean that,

and especially from you, Walter.

Not a word! Shh.

- Barry, darling.
- Hello, Maude.

Oh boy, what a day.

I can't tell you how I've
been looking forward

to a nice, quite
evening with friends.

Oh, honey, you've
come to the right place.

So, on the back of
the card he wrote,

"Sir George Bernard Shaw."

I wanna tell you all this...

This is one of the
nicest evenings I've had.

- Maude, it is a pleasure
to be in your house.
- Aw.

You're a very lucky man, Walter.

Walter, did you
hear what Barry said?

You're a very lucky man.

You'll have to
excuse him, Barry.

Thanks, Maudie.

He's in one of his silent
moods. He doesn't wanna talk.

Really? Then you're a
very lucky woman, Maude.

No, actually he was trying to

pick his teeth with dental floss

and accidentally
sewed his lips together.

Oh, Maude.

Now tell the story about
the wide-mouthed frog.

- Oh, yes.
- Oh, no.

Oh, come on, Maude.
We wanna hear it.

- Oh, that's silly.
- You promised.

No, you tell it.

No, you tell it
better than I do.

Come on. Tell it.

- Aw.
- You're too shy...

Oh, all right.

Well, see there was
this wide-mouthed frog.

See, and it was... It was
going to have a new baby

and it didn't know
what to feed it.

Oh, come on, Barry. You...

Oh, Maude, come on now.

All right, so.

So this wide-mouthed
frog went up to a giraffe

and it said, "What do
you feed your baby?"

And the...

The giraffe said, "I
feed my baby grass."

Thank you.

And, uh, then this
wide-mouthed frog,

uh, went up to a monkey.

And it said, uh,

"What do you feed your baby?"

And the monkey said, "Bananas."

Now, wait, Arthur. There's more.

It said, "Thank you."

And then the wide-mouthed
frog went up to a lion

and it said,

"What do you feed your baby?"

And the lion said,
"Wide mouthed frogs."

Ooh, really?

I told you, it was silly.

Yeah, but you make
it funny, Maude.

Mhm.

Yup. We hear this last
Sunday at a luncheon for Barry.

Oh, boy, that luncheon.

I don't know how I get through
those luncheons without Maude.

Oh, now this was something.

The chair person opened
the meeting by singing.

♪ When the moon
comes over the mountain ♪

She was 5'2" and
had a 63" chest,

and she could really project.

She had to, to get the
moon over those mountains.

Oh, Barry.

Very funny.

I heard that joke
back in the third grade.

Oh? You got that far?

I may not have as much
education as you, Barry buddy,

but I learned it all out
there, where it counts.

I know, in the school
of hard knocks.

- Maude.
- Walter.

Hey gang, before I forget,

I wanna get a picture
of all of us together,

to hang on my celebrity
wall in my rumpus room.

Celebrity wall? Who
are the other celebrities?

Oh, three of his
patients who survived.

Not true, Maudie,

I have, uh, Andy Granatelli

and Dr. Jonas Salk's
nephew in a bathing suit.

Mrs. Naugatuck.

You called, sir?

Yeah. Would you help
us take a picture, please?

Would I? I'd be delighted.

Come on now, Walter,
nobody loves a party pooper.

And you can just look
through that little opening there.

Please, you're
talking to the person

who learned the
art of photography

from Alexander
Graham Bell himself.

Mrs. Naugatuck, he
invented the telephone.

Of course, so he
could call me up

and tell me how
to use the camera.

Now, would everybody group

in front of the bar
there, altogether.

That's it.

No, that's not right.

Uh, Mrs. Findlay, would you mind

changing over with,
uh, Carol, please.

All right.

- And Doctor, would you mind
changing with Mr. Findlay?
- Yes?

- I wanted to stand...
- No, that side.

Oh, Arthur, that's all
right. He'll autograph it.

No, eh... eh, that's
not right either.

Uh, would you all go back
to your original positions?

Yes, that's it there.

The tall one must
be in the middle.

Mrs. Findlay, would you...

Mrs. Naugatuck,
will you get on with it?

Oh, all right. No
need to get snippy.

Now, there... now,
wait a minute, here.

Uh, would you ladies just
move in a little bit, please?

And... and the "gentlemens",

would you squeeze
in just a little bit more?

Oh, come on, Walter. How's this?

That's lovely.

Don't worry, Walter.

I never make passes
at men with mustaches.

Barry.

Oh, you got the Dorothy
Parker reference...

Well, of course I
did. Heaven, I loved it.

Didn't you, Walter?

No, I didn't.

Why is Walter in
such a bad mood?

Oh, you hit a sore
point with his mustache.

It's molting.

Walter, what is
the matter with you?

Barry was just
making a little joke!

I have made dozens of
jokes about your mustache.

You just don't like
it coming from Barry

because of what he is.

I have nothing against
what he is, and you know it.

Please, Walter, you cannot
stay here in... in the kitchen.

What will I tell Barry?

Tell him I'm whipping
up a batch of fudge.

That is not...
not funny, Walter.

That is not funny!

My favorite lovebirds.

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck, bug off!

No respect for the photographer.

A female Frank Sinatra, you are.

Now look, Walter,

we both know what
is bothering you.

Look, Maude, if you tell
me one more time what's...

Walter...

Listen, Maude, I'm not
going to go out there

and get insulted again.

Look, I promise you, Walter,
everything will be all right.

Listen, I give you
my Solemn Oath,

he will not insult you again,
my Solemn Oath, Walter.

- Good.
- Thank you, very much.

Barry...

Barry, I'm sorry I
behaved so bad.

Badly, Walter.

Should've learned that even
in the school of hard knocks.

That does it!

I don't want a cheese
doodle, Maude!

Don't talk with your mouth full.

It's impolite.

- Come on, put up your dukes!
- Please, Walter.

Oh, this is gonna be a good one.

Please, no more pictures!

I'm so sorry.

For heaven's sakes.

Take a look at the
size of the man.

Think of your reputation.

You'll be knocked
out by a sissy.

Arthur, will you leave me alone?

Arthur, leave.

It's time for you to leave.

If anybody wants a doctor,
I'll be at the dog show.

- Carol!
- Yes, mother.

Upstairs!

Will you come up
later and tuck me in?

Up!

Listen to me, Walter.

- You know what I think?
- No. What do you think?

Oh, I think I'll go
back into the kitchen

and count my blessings.

Walter, you've been trying

to make a fool of
yourself all night.

You might as
well finish the job.

Barry, I'm gonna throw
you out of my house,

but only because I don't
like you as a person.

I can understand that.

- You can?
- Well, of course
he understands, Walter.

You're so obvious.

It's not that, Maude!

Hey, wait a minute,
calm down, you two.

Look, Walter.

I realize that I'm unreasonable

and quite difficult
to get along with.

I tend to pick on you
because you're so defensive,

but it's part of my charm.

Barry, you're such a rascal.

Maude has been
helping me with my book.

We're together so much.

We like each other so much.

This was bound to happen.

Wait a minute, Barry.
What was bound to happen?

It's a classic case.

The jealous husband.

- The jealous husband?
- The jealous husband?

Yes, I fill a need in her
that you can't possibly fill.

You're afraid that I'm...
For want of better words...

Her intellectual lover.

I have a little
corner of your wife.

Of course, of course,
that's it, Walter.

You're jealous. Oh, I love you.

Maybe I am.

Of course, you're just not
tuned in enough to know it.

Oh, honey, honey,

you are jealous.

But you "silly Billy," this
is all so unnecessary.

I mean, imagine
being jealous of Barry.

What's so funny, Maude?

I mean, you and me, both...

I wish I was dead.

Were dead, Maude.

And as far as our
relationship goes,

that could be the case.

Oh, now, come on, Barry.

You know I didn't mean that.

Barry, you know me.

I don't have a biased
bone in my body.

That's right. They're
all in your head.

Oh, Maude.

You know, it's
not Walter. It's you.

You're just another one
of those guilt-ridden liberals

that can't enjoy anything.

Not even your own prejudices.

Now wait just a minute, Barry.

- I'm getting angry now.
- You're getting angry?

Yes, you're darn
right I'm getting angry!

You call yourself my friend.

You've known me
all these months.

Now you tell me
that I have a hang-up

about your homosexuality?

Well, let me tell you
something, Mary... uh, Barry.

Maude, about the
hang-up you don't have,

please, let it bother you,

let it bother the
hell out of you.

Oh. Oh, Walter.

Oh, I am so humiliated.

Oh, Walter, what have I done?

Walter, what have I done?

Just one thing, darling.

You've learned that
we all have biases,

and we simply have
to recognize them

and deal with them
as good as we can.

As well as we can, Walter.

Underneath, I know I
am a tolerant person.

You are.

You just have a little hang-up.

But sweetheart,

you have less hang-ups
than anyone I know.

Oh, Walter, I
promise you I will die

before I say anything

derogatory about anybody again.

Aw, Maude.

Look, maybe you'll feel better

if we go out and
have a good dinner.

Or a well dinner.

Oh, all right, honey, maybe so.

Good.

What do you feel like eating?

French? Italian? Spanish?

No, why don't we just go down
to Wong Fu's and eat chinks.

What're you reading, Maude?

Oh, uh, Joe Namath's article on

"How to make love
with your helmet on."

Sinking down to my
level, sweetheart?

Walter, I'll make
a deal with you.

I'll go out and get you a
helmet on one condition.

What's that?

That you go out and
get me Joe Namath.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Maude was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪