Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 11 - Maude the Boss - full transcript
Maude gets promoted to Office Manager at her work. One man that reports to her does not take her seriously and tries to sabotage Maude's work.
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
Carol, Carol, what will I do?
My hair will not work,
my face is on backwards.
I look like Telly
Savalas in drag.
What will I do,
Carol, what will I do?
If that's for Mother,
I don't think she's
gonna eat anything.
She's got the all-time record
for first day jitters
on her new job.
That's the trouble
with you Americans,
gulp your coffee
and off you run.
Give yourself no time
for a decent breakfast.
No wonder those TV commercials
say that your entire
country's constipated.
Carol! Carol!
Carol! Carol!
Carol, Carol.
I cannot find my eyelashes.
Where are my eyelashes?
Mother, I...
Carol, I left them
on the sink last night,
right next to the water glass.
Good Lord, maybe
Walter drank my eyelashes.
- Mother.
- Oh, Carol, I had them
last night,
they are not there this morning.
Somebody broke into the house.
- Mother?
- Ah,
somewhere in the neighborhood,
a prowler is walking
around with my eyes.
Will you please calm down?
I'll loan you my eyelashes.
Oh, bless you, Carol.
Not the ones I'm wearing!
There's an extra
pair on my dresser.
Thank you, Carol. I mean,
how can I go to the office
with naked eyes?
Oh, Carol,
Carol, I'm sorry if I've been a
wee bit nervous this morning.
I promise I'll be all right
just as soon as I get rid
of my nervous stomach.
Oh, they're off and running. Oh.
♪ Doodle-dah-do doodle-dah-do ♪
What's the matter with Grandma?
She's scared.
Grandma, scared?
Grandma is the first
woman her real estate office
has ever made
branch office manager.
She'll be boss over three men.
And believe me, Philip,
that's really something.
Big deal, I get bossed
around by women all the time.
That's my boy!
And so does Grandpa.
You little twerp.
You wanna fight? Three rounds.
- Loser takes on Grandma!
- Okay.
Cut it out, you
guys! Cut it out!
Philip, Saturday or no Saturday,
you've got homework to do.
Woman bosses, huh.
- Morning!
- Good morning.
Good morning, everybody.
Where's the new boss lady?
Are we still in time to wish
our lady executive luck?
Plenty of time.
She's upstairs slipping
into a new stomach.
She really wants to
succeed in this job.
Well, you know how it is.
The more you want to
succeed at something,
the more afraid
you are of failure.
Like you last night, Arthur.
I was trying to fix
the alarm clock!
Oh, look at me!
Oh, look at me! Look
at me! I am a mess!
Somebody tell me
I'm beautiful, lovely,
gorgeous, anything!
Throw me a crumb.
- You're beautiful!
- Lovely!
- Gorgeous!
- Don't be hysterical.
Walter, I said
"Throw me a crumb,"
don't act like one.
Here we are, ma'am,
bangers and mash.
Bangers and mash,
aren't they those doctors
who wrote that book on sex?
A banger, ma'am,
is a British sausage.
- It's served
with mashed potato.
- Oh.
It's good for you.
It'll give you a little of
that, uh, get up and go.
Yes, I had that all last night.
You can't face the day
on an empty stomach.
- You must eat something.
- Oh, please, Mrs. Naugatuck,
you sound just like my mother.
Well, I always say
Mother knows best.
You don't know my mother.
She's an outpatient
at the "Boston Clinic
For The Totally Wrong."
Madam, remember,
if we are what we eat,
and you eat nothing,
that makes you a big...
Oh, shut up!
Thank you.
Maudie, we came over
to wish you good luck!
Yes, this is supposed
to be a happy occasion.
Yeah, Maude.
This isn't like you.
Oh, look, Walter, Arthur,
listen, I want the
truth from you.
Do you think those
guys down at the office
are gonna give me a rough time
because I'm a woman?
Absolutely not.
- Sure they will.
- Who asked you?
Maudie, you've got to
expect some resentment.
After all the three
men working under you
have families to support.
They really need the money.
You've got a husband
to support you.
Keep it up, Arthur, and you'll
need a cane to support you.
Let me, Mother.
Arthur, we're tired of
this old American myth
that says women shouldn't
make as much as men
for doing the same job.
Here we go, Women's Lib.
Oh, Arthur, don't be a
male chauvinist puppy!
Arthur, Mother will be
making $7000 a year salary
plus what she
gets in commissions
because that's
what the job pays,
regardless of sex.
Right on, Carol!
So, Mother, even if those
men at the office resent you...
- Resent me?
- Yeah, even if they hate her.
Hate me?
Yes, they'll probably
put pressure on her
- and make her look like an ass!
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, a complete ass!
- Oh, boy.
But she's carrying
3000 years of precious...
- Maybe 4000.
- Maybe 6000.
I mean, you and I know
that only 6% of the women
- That's right.
- - in this country make over
- $10,000 a year.
- 6%.
- $10,000...
- Oh, boy!
So those men are going
to try and take a knife
- A big knife.
- And stab it into her!
A big long knife.
Twist it until...
Time!
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Mother, you shouldn't let
what Arthur says upset you.
Maude?
Sweetheart, I've never
seen you this insecure.
Walter, don't you realize
this is the first
time in my life
I'm having the
opportunity to be something
more than just a
woman in a man's world?
Walter, I am an individual
with responsibilities.
Oh, it's scary.
Oh, sweetheart,
you're gonna do fine.
Ta-da! Look, Mother.
We all chipped in
and bought you that.
It's for your first
day on the new job!
To the new office manager!
Yay!
Oh, it is just beautif...
M-S-M-F?
Oh! M-S for "Ms."
Ms. Maude Findlay.
You notice, we had
the "F" for Findlay
done in watercolor in
case you get married again.
Oh, look at me. Just look at me.
I mean, here you all
are gathered around,
wishing me luck and...
how do I react?
Just like the stereotyped
hysterical female.
Well, I promise you
I will not be that way
at the office.
- That-a girl!
- There you are!
No, siree.
Oh, thanks, everybody!
I know I can do it.
Ah, nothing can stop me now!
That-a girl!
Oh.
♪ Dah-dah-dah-dah ♪
♪ dah-dah-dah-dah ♪
There.
Maude oughta like
that. She loves yellow.
Touching, very touching.
Come on, Woody.
So she's a woman. So
she's our boss, so what?
You want me to
be happy about it?
You want me to be happy about
a woman being our boss? Okay.
♪ For she's a
jolly good female ♪
♪ For she's a
jolly good female ♪
Cut it out!
It won't be so bad, Woody.
We all got along with Maude
before and we will now.
She hands out the assignments
and we do our own
thing, as always.
Yeah, we do our own thing,
just as long as she doesn't
mess up any of my deals
or give us that
temperamental stuff
'cause it's the wrong
time of the month.'
- You are! You are!
- What, what am I?
You are prejudiced
against women!
I got a legitimate
reason: I married one.
Hi, guys.
Hi, Maude.
Well, another day,
another dollar, right?
Good morning, Maude.
Well, if anybody asks
us, we'll just deny it, right?
That's what I tell
you, wrong day.
That's enough, Woody.
Well, now, guys,
I'll tell you.
I've been looking
over the sales figures
from last month,
and quite frankly,
I think we can do one
heck of a lot better.
Now, let's just take
a look at them, okay.
Oh.
Oh, they're beautiful.
Oh, they are beautiful!
Oh!
Mmm!
Oh, Bud, Bud, thank you.
You remembered yellow.
Uh...
Uh...
Look, um,
guys, I don't want to
sound unappreciative.
I mean, they're...
They're lovely.
You know, if you like flowers.
Um...
Guys, what I'm
trying to say is, um...
Well, if your new
boss had been a man,
would you have
given him flowers?
No, we would have
given him cigars.
Well, then I would
have preferred cigars.
Great.
Be my guest.
Thanks, Woody.
I'll... I'll keep it for later.
Uh, what I'm trying
to say, guys, is that
our relationship should have
absolutely nothing
to do with the fact
that I'm a woman.
That kind of relationship
I already got with my wife.
Well, now, uh, about what
I have planned for today...
- Excuse me, I've got
to get that Radiman files.
- I thought that would be...
Uh, well, I...
I had a number of houses
that I thought we would...
Woody, I want to talk to you.
Look, Maude,
you do your job,
and we'll do ours,
and everything's
gonna be okay, all right?
No, Woody.
Now, look, Woody,
I know why you're acting
- the way you're acting, Woody.
- You think you do?
Woody!
- Okay, Maude, you wanna talk?
- Have a seat.
Ah, now, you see, there you go.
Woody, would you have
done that for a man?
Would you have pulled
out a chair for a man?
- No, I wouldn't.
- My point exactly.
Now, listen to me, Woody.
I am not a woman.
Do you understand me, Woody?
I am a person like
you are a person.
Bud is a person.
Tom is a person.
I am a person, Woody.
Do you understand?
Okay.
Now, I'd like to get
to my desk, person,
so could you move your
boobs out of the way?
You can't talk
to a lady like that!
- No, no, no.
- She's a person.
You gotta apologize, animal!
Bud, Bud, I can handle
this! I can handle this!
I'll prove it to you.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Woody, say something dirty.
I'd be delighted. Why
don't you take a flying...
No, you...
I can't handle this!
Tom, Tom,
please make them
stop! Make them stop!
You're the boss, you stop 'em.
Oh, Bud. Oh, Bud.
Come on, Woody, please.
I mean, this is my first day.
I mean, you can't
fight on account...
Please! I haven't even
been here five minutes!
Oh, good Lord. Save
us now. She's crying.
I beg your pardon.
May I see someone about a house?
You'll have to wait.
We're breaking in a
new office manager.
Maude... Maude.
Maude?
Pig! Pig! Pig!
Mrs. Naugatuck, that was
the best breakfast I've ever had.
Absolutely delicious.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, sir.
We have an old English saying,
"A sausage a day
keeps the doctor away."
Over here it's an apple a day.
Oh, well, whatever, it
takes to keep you away, Doc.
You know, when I worked
for the chief physician
at the University of Edinburgh,
they taught me three
things to do each morning:
I had to check
my blood pressure,
my pulse, and my purse.
Why did you check your purse?
Well, the chief physician's wife
was a kleptomaniac.
I remember when
the poor man died,
we couldn't find his
body for six days.
We've got to learn,
never ask that woman a question.
I know she's a
marvelous housekeeper,
but if you ask her a question...
Maude?
What are you doing home?
Something's wrong.
What's the matter? Did
you forget something?
I warned her to
have some breakfast.
I bet it's malnutrition.
No, no, no.
No, it looks much
more like tired blood.
Honey, don't you
want to talk to us?
She doesn't want to talk to us.
Wait a minute, she's getting up.
She's walking.
She's crossing to the closet.
Uh-oh. It's her
box of memorabilia.
It's the Shirley Temple doll
her mother gave her
for her fifth birthday.
♪ On the good ship ♪
♪ Lollipop ♪
♪ It's a sweet trip ♪
♪ To a candy shop ♪
Maude!
- ♪ Where bon-bon's play ♪
- Maude! Maude!
♪ On the sunny beach ♪
- ♪ Of peppermint bay ♪
- Maude...
- Maude!
- Oh, Walter, why did my mother
force me to play with dolls?
Why was I forced to wear
curls and frilly dresses?
Why was I brainwashed
into thinking that
women could only
be nurses, secretaries,
and housewives?
How could I possibly
be a boss when
all my life I've
been trained to be
Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm.
Maude, what on earth
happened down there?
Oh, I hate myself!
- I hate! Hate! Hate!
- Don't! No, don't.
You'll ruin your facelift!
Ah!
Ah, two of the men started
a fight because of me,
and I couldn't stop them.
Then I did absolutely the
worst thing I could've done.
I behaved like the
stereotype woman.
I started to cry.
Oh.
Oh, Mother.
So you lost control
and you cried, so what?
Some people blow their
stack and other people cry.
There's nothing
to be ashamed of.
- Bosses do not cry!
- Oh, Mother!
Yes, they do. If you
were down where I am...
I mean with the pressures...
Hold it!
Will you pipe down?
Oh. Pardon, madam.
Oh, please, now Mrs. Naugatuck,
- when I want your advice...
- I know,
when you want my
advice, you'll ask for it.
Right. I'll ask for it.
Oh, very well.
As long as you asked.
Now, you went to
that office this morning
trying to act like a he-man.
Instead of having the confidence
to act like a she-woman.
Mrs. Naugatuck, this is...
Please, I'm not finished.
There's nothing wrong
with being feminine.
I mean, take Mahatma
Gandhi's daughter.
Why she wears flowing silk gowns
and yet she became the
Prime Minister of India?
And how did she start?
Washing her father's loincloth.
So if you want my advice, madam,
and the next time
you're unsure of
yourself as a female,
remember your
father's underwear!
Oh, what's the use?
My husband doesn't understand.
My daughter doesn't understand.
My best friends
don't understand.
And I have a housekeeper
nobody understands!
Walter, you've
got to go upstairs
and convince her to go
back down to the office.
That's right, Walter, it's
like when you fall off a horse,
you've got to get
right back on again.
Okay, I'll try.
If I'm not back
down in five minutes,
you'll know I was trampled
to death by the jockey.
M-S-M-F.
M-S for "Ms."
M-F for "My Foot."
Oh, Maude. Oh, Maude.
Walter, Walter, Walter.
Maude, you
shouldn't feel so bad.
Oh, Walter, it was the
worst moment of my life.
Walter, one of the
men was treating me
like a helpless female.
The other was resenting
me because I am female.
I-I couldn't cope.
But, sweetheart, you
can't blame yourself for this.
Walter, I let the company down.
They were depending on me.
Oh, Walter, I'm so confused.
I'm a woman, and I...
I don't want to
act like a woman.
I don't want to act
like a man, either.
Oh, no, Maude, no.
There's nothing wrong
with being a woman.
Sweetheart, you are the
epitome of a marvelous,
exciting, wonderful woman.
I know that, Walter.
I want to be much
more than that.
No, you're much more than that.
Mwah, much, much,
mwah, much more.
Oh, Walter.
Walter, help me.
Help me. Help me find myself.
Maude, you are beautiful.
I know that, too.
Tell me I'm intelligent.
Tell me I'm capable!
You are intelligent,
capable,
competent.
Do you really mean that?
You have to have more
faith in your own ability.
You've got to realize that
you can function as a woman
in that place just like you
function so sensationally
as a woman everywhere else.
Well, it's true that when
I first started working
when I was a sales
person, I did compete.
Of course, you did, but let go!
Just be yourself.
And I was the company
choice to be office manager,
and if I can accomplish
all that as a woman
then why should I be ashamed
of acting like a woman?
You shouldn't be ashamed.
Never, never.
Never be ashamed.
Oh, Walter,
Walter, if I only had
the courage to go back.
Maude,
you must go back.
And you will go back.
Right after lunch.
Oh, Walter,
Walter, it's special
moments like this when I...
When I realize how
much I need you.
And vice versa,
Maude, vice versa.
Oh, Walter,
Walter, you're giving
me the lift I need.
I'm doing the best I can.
Oh, Walter, thanks to you,
I think, I think I can
do it. I know I can do it.
I will do it.
And, Walter, I promise
I'll never ever let sex
stand in the way again.
Now, you're talkin'.
Those men were wrong, Walter.
Society is wrong.
And it's up to real
women to change that.
Maude, where are you goin'?
Back where I belong, Walter.
Back to that office!
But, Maude, I thought
you and I...
Walter, it's 10
o'clock in the morning!
- And one for you.
- Thank you.
- And for you.
- Maude.
And one for you.
And, mother, pin a rose on me.
And from now on, no
more fights, no more tears.
You have your assignments,
gentlemen, get to work.
Oh, you're gonna
make your own coffee.
Um, Maude, I...
That's a terrific case.
What does the M-S stand
for, "Master Sergeant"?
That's cute, Woody.
No, actually it stands for
"Millicent Sweetbreads."
She was a... She
was a piano tuner
who, uh, became the
very first woman President
of the United States.
I believe it was in 1945.
I remember voting for her,
because when she first
arrived at my house...
Truce. Truce.
Look, Woody, about
this morning, I'm sorry.
I was pressing.
No hard feelings.
Yeah, I was a little upset
myself, you understand.
A guy gets passed
over for a $9000...
$9000 a year job, he
gets a little steamed.
- You know what I mean?
- Oh, of course, I do.
Woody, yes, of course, I do.
I didn't want you
to see me this way.
Ah, come on, Woody.
Woody, don't be embarrassed.
I mean, if it had happened...
- Did you say $9000?
- Yeah.
I'm only getting $7000.
Well, naturally, you're a woman.
- Um.
- A woman.
Well, the company figures
a dame doesn't need
as much as a man. You
know, a man has a wi... wife to...
Family to support, and
inflation, and all of that.
You're different. You
got a guy to support you.
Uh, listen, you two, you
have exactly 10 minutes
to get him shaped
up and back to work.
And that goes for
both of you also.
If I'm going to do a
$9000 a year job for $7000,
I am going to take
the longest coffee
break in history.
Hello, Walter, where are you?
Are you still upstairs?
Good. You stay there.
If you think I'm gonna
take this lying down...
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
Carol, Carol, what will I do?
My hair will not work,
my face is on backwards.
I look like Telly
Savalas in drag.
What will I do,
Carol, what will I do?
If that's for Mother,
I don't think she's
gonna eat anything.
She's got the all-time record
for first day jitters
on her new job.
That's the trouble
with you Americans,
gulp your coffee
and off you run.
Give yourself no time
for a decent breakfast.
No wonder those TV commercials
say that your entire
country's constipated.
Carol! Carol!
Carol! Carol!
Carol, Carol.
I cannot find my eyelashes.
Where are my eyelashes?
Mother, I...
Carol, I left them
on the sink last night,
right next to the water glass.
Good Lord, maybe
Walter drank my eyelashes.
- Mother.
- Oh, Carol, I had them
last night,
they are not there this morning.
Somebody broke into the house.
- Mother?
- Ah,
somewhere in the neighborhood,
a prowler is walking
around with my eyes.
Will you please calm down?
I'll loan you my eyelashes.
Oh, bless you, Carol.
Not the ones I'm wearing!
There's an extra
pair on my dresser.
Thank you, Carol. I mean,
how can I go to the office
with naked eyes?
Oh, Carol,
Carol, I'm sorry if I've been a
wee bit nervous this morning.
I promise I'll be all right
just as soon as I get rid
of my nervous stomach.
Oh, they're off and running. Oh.
♪ Doodle-dah-do doodle-dah-do ♪
What's the matter with Grandma?
She's scared.
Grandma, scared?
Grandma is the first
woman her real estate office
has ever made
branch office manager.
She'll be boss over three men.
And believe me, Philip,
that's really something.
Big deal, I get bossed
around by women all the time.
That's my boy!
And so does Grandpa.
You little twerp.
You wanna fight? Three rounds.
- Loser takes on Grandma!
- Okay.
Cut it out, you
guys! Cut it out!
Philip, Saturday or no Saturday,
you've got homework to do.
Woman bosses, huh.
- Morning!
- Good morning.
Good morning, everybody.
Where's the new boss lady?
Are we still in time to wish
our lady executive luck?
Plenty of time.
She's upstairs slipping
into a new stomach.
She really wants to
succeed in this job.
Well, you know how it is.
The more you want to
succeed at something,
the more afraid
you are of failure.
Like you last night, Arthur.
I was trying to fix
the alarm clock!
Oh, look at me!
Oh, look at me! Look
at me! I am a mess!
Somebody tell me
I'm beautiful, lovely,
gorgeous, anything!
Throw me a crumb.
- You're beautiful!
- Lovely!
- Gorgeous!
- Don't be hysterical.
Walter, I said
"Throw me a crumb,"
don't act like one.
Here we are, ma'am,
bangers and mash.
Bangers and mash,
aren't they those doctors
who wrote that book on sex?
A banger, ma'am,
is a British sausage.
- It's served
with mashed potato.
- Oh.
It's good for you.
It'll give you a little of
that, uh, get up and go.
Yes, I had that all last night.
You can't face the day
on an empty stomach.
- You must eat something.
- Oh, please, Mrs. Naugatuck,
you sound just like my mother.
Well, I always say
Mother knows best.
You don't know my mother.
She's an outpatient
at the "Boston Clinic
For The Totally Wrong."
Madam, remember,
if we are what we eat,
and you eat nothing,
that makes you a big...
Oh, shut up!
Thank you.
Maudie, we came over
to wish you good luck!
Yes, this is supposed
to be a happy occasion.
Yeah, Maude.
This isn't like you.
Oh, look, Walter, Arthur,
listen, I want the
truth from you.
Do you think those
guys down at the office
are gonna give me a rough time
because I'm a woman?
Absolutely not.
- Sure they will.
- Who asked you?
Maudie, you've got to
expect some resentment.
After all the three
men working under you
have families to support.
They really need the money.
You've got a husband
to support you.
Keep it up, Arthur, and you'll
need a cane to support you.
Let me, Mother.
Arthur, we're tired of
this old American myth
that says women shouldn't
make as much as men
for doing the same job.
Here we go, Women's Lib.
Oh, Arthur, don't be a
male chauvinist puppy!
Arthur, Mother will be
making $7000 a year salary
plus what she
gets in commissions
because that's
what the job pays,
regardless of sex.
Right on, Carol!
So, Mother, even if those
men at the office resent you...
- Resent me?
- Yeah, even if they hate her.
Hate me?
Yes, they'll probably
put pressure on her
- and make her look like an ass!
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, a complete ass!
- Oh, boy.
But she's carrying
3000 years of precious...
- Maybe 4000.
- Maybe 6000.
I mean, you and I know
that only 6% of the women
- That's right.
- - in this country make over
- $10,000 a year.
- 6%.
- $10,000...
- Oh, boy!
So those men are going
to try and take a knife
- A big knife.
- And stab it into her!
A big long knife.
Twist it until...
Time!
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Mother, you shouldn't let
what Arthur says upset you.
Maude?
Sweetheart, I've never
seen you this insecure.
Walter, don't you realize
this is the first
time in my life
I'm having the
opportunity to be something
more than just a
woman in a man's world?
Walter, I am an individual
with responsibilities.
Oh, it's scary.
Oh, sweetheart,
you're gonna do fine.
Ta-da! Look, Mother.
We all chipped in
and bought you that.
It's for your first
day on the new job!
To the new office manager!
Yay!
Oh, it is just beautif...
M-S-M-F?
Oh! M-S for "Ms."
Ms. Maude Findlay.
You notice, we had
the "F" for Findlay
done in watercolor in
case you get married again.
Oh, look at me. Just look at me.
I mean, here you all
are gathered around,
wishing me luck and...
how do I react?
Just like the stereotyped
hysterical female.
Well, I promise you
I will not be that way
at the office.
- That-a girl!
- There you are!
No, siree.
Oh, thanks, everybody!
I know I can do it.
Ah, nothing can stop me now!
That-a girl!
Oh.
♪ Dah-dah-dah-dah ♪
♪ dah-dah-dah-dah ♪
There.
Maude oughta like
that. She loves yellow.
Touching, very touching.
Come on, Woody.
So she's a woman. So
she's our boss, so what?
You want me to
be happy about it?
You want me to be happy about
a woman being our boss? Okay.
♪ For she's a
jolly good female ♪
♪ For she's a
jolly good female ♪
Cut it out!
It won't be so bad, Woody.
We all got along with Maude
before and we will now.
She hands out the assignments
and we do our own
thing, as always.
Yeah, we do our own thing,
just as long as she doesn't
mess up any of my deals
or give us that
temperamental stuff
'cause it's the wrong
time of the month.'
- You are! You are!
- What, what am I?
You are prejudiced
against women!
I got a legitimate
reason: I married one.
Hi, guys.
Hi, Maude.
Well, another day,
another dollar, right?
Good morning, Maude.
Well, if anybody asks
us, we'll just deny it, right?
That's what I tell
you, wrong day.
That's enough, Woody.
Well, now, guys,
I'll tell you.
I've been looking
over the sales figures
from last month,
and quite frankly,
I think we can do one
heck of a lot better.
Now, let's just take
a look at them, okay.
Oh.
Oh, they're beautiful.
Oh, they are beautiful!
Oh!
Mmm!
Oh, Bud, Bud, thank you.
You remembered yellow.
Uh...
Uh...
Look, um,
guys, I don't want to
sound unappreciative.
I mean, they're...
They're lovely.
You know, if you like flowers.
Um...
Guys, what I'm
trying to say is, um...
Well, if your new
boss had been a man,
would you have
given him flowers?
No, we would have
given him cigars.
Well, then I would
have preferred cigars.
Great.
Be my guest.
Thanks, Woody.
I'll... I'll keep it for later.
Uh, what I'm trying
to say, guys, is that
our relationship should have
absolutely nothing
to do with the fact
that I'm a woman.
That kind of relationship
I already got with my wife.
Well, now, uh, about what
I have planned for today...
- Excuse me, I've got
to get that Radiman files.
- I thought that would be...
Uh, well, I...
I had a number of houses
that I thought we would...
Woody, I want to talk to you.
Look, Maude,
you do your job,
and we'll do ours,
and everything's
gonna be okay, all right?
No, Woody.
Now, look, Woody,
I know why you're acting
- the way you're acting, Woody.
- You think you do?
Woody!
- Okay, Maude, you wanna talk?
- Have a seat.
Ah, now, you see, there you go.
Woody, would you have
done that for a man?
Would you have pulled
out a chair for a man?
- No, I wouldn't.
- My point exactly.
Now, listen to me, Woody.
I am not a woman.
Do you understand me, Woody?
I am a person like
you are a person.
Bud is a person.
Tom is a person.
I am a person, Woody.
Do you understand?
Okay.
Now, I'd like to get
to my desk, person,
so could you move your
boobs out of the way?
You can't talk
to a lady like that!
- No, no, no.
- She's a person.
You gotta apologize, animal!
Bud, Bud, I can handle
this! I can handle this!
I'll prove it to you.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Woody, say something dirty.
I'd be delighted. Why
don't you take a flying...
No, you...
I can't handle this!
Tom, Tom,
please make them
stop! Make them stop!
You're the boss, you stop 'em.
Oh, Bud. Oh, Bud.
Come on, Woody, please.
I mean, this is my first day.
I mean, you can't
fight on account...
Please! I haven't even
been here five minutes!
Oh, good Lord. Save
us now. She's crying.
I beg your pardon.
May I see someone about a house?
You'll have to wait.
We're breaking in a
new office manager.
Maude... Maude.
Maude?
Pig! Pig! Pig!
Mrs. Naugatuck, that was
the best breakfast I've ever had.
Absolutely delicious.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, sir.
We have an old English saying,
"A sausage a day
keeps the doctor away."
Over here it's an apple a day.
Oh, well, whatever, it
takes to keep you away, Doc.
You know, when I worked
for the chief physician
at the University of Edinburgh,
they taught me three
things to do each morning:
I had to check
my blood pressure,
my pulse, and my purse.
Why did you check your purse?
Well, the chief physician's wife
was a kleptomaniac.
I remember when
the poor man died,
we couldn't find his
body for six days.
We've got to learn,
never ask that woman a question.
I know she's a
marvelous housekeeper,
but if you ask her a question...
Maude?
What are you doing home?
Something's wrong.
What's the matter? Did
you forget something?
I warned her to
have some breakfast.
I bet it's malnutrition.
No, no, no.
No, it looks much
more like tired blood.
Honey, don't you
want to talk to us?
She doesn't want to talk to us.
Wait a minute, she's getting up.
She's walking.
She's crossing to the closet.
Uh-oh. It's her
box of memorabilia.
It's the Shirley Temple doll
her mother gave her
for her fifth birthday.
♪ On the good ship ♪
♪ Lollipop ♪
♪ It's a sweet trip ♪
♪ To a candy shop ♪
Maude!
- ♪ Where bon-bon's play ♪
- Maude! Maude!
♪ On the sunny beach ♪
- ♪ Of peppermint bay ♪
- Maude...
- Maude!
- Oh, Walter, why did my mother
force me to play with dolls?
Why was I forced to wear
curls and frilly dresses?
Why was I brainwashed
into thinking that
women could only
be nurses, secretaries,
and housewives?
How could I possibly
be a boss when
all my life I've
been trained to be
Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm.
Maude, what on earth
happened down there?
Oh, I hate myself!
- I hate! Hate! Hate!
- Don't! No, don't.
You'll ruin your facelift!
Ah!
Ah, two of the men started
a fight because of me,
and I couldn't stop them.
Then I did absolutely the
worst thing I could've done.
I behaved like the
stereotype woman.
I started to cry.
Oh.
Oh, Mother.
So you lost control
and you cried, so what?
Some people blow their
stack and other people cry.
There's nothing
to be ashamed of.
- Bosses do not cry!
- Oh, Mother!
Yes, they do. If you
were down where I am...
I mean with the pressures...
Hold it!
Will you pipe down?
Oh. Pardon, madam.
Oh, please, now Mrs. Naugatuck,
- when I want your advice...
- I know,
when you want my
advice, you'll ask for it.
Right. I'll ask for it.
Oh, very well.
As long as you asked.
Now, you went to
that office this morning
trying to act like a he-man.
Instead of having the confidence
to act like a she-woman.
Mrs. Naugatuck, this is...
Please, I'm not finished.
There's nothing wrong
with being feminine.
I mean, take Mahatma
Gandhi's daughter.
Why she wears flowing silk gowns
and yet she became the
Prime Minister of India?
And how did she start?
Washing her father's loincloth.
So if you want my advice, madam,
and the next time
you're unsure of
yourself as a female,
remember your
father's underwear!
Oh, what's the use?
My husband doesn't understand.
My daughter doesn't understand.
My best friends
don't understand.
And I have a housekeeper
nobody understands!
Walter, you've
got to go upstairs
and convince her to go
back down to the office.
That's right, Walter, it's
like when you fall off a horse,
you've got to get
right back on again.
Okay, I'll try.
If I'm not back
down in five minutes,
you'll know I was trampled
to death by the jockey.
M-S-M-F.
M-S for "Ms."
M-F for "My Foot."
Oh, Maude. Oh, Maude.
Walter, Walter, Walter.
Maude, you
shouldn't feel so bad.
Oh, Walter, it was the
worst moment of my life.
Walter, one of the
men was treating me
like a helpless female.
The other was resenting
me because I am female.
I-I couldn't cope.
But, sweetheart, you
can't blame yourself for this.
Walter, I let the company down.
They were depending on me.
Oh, Walter, I'm so confused.
I'm a woman, and I...
I don't want to
act like a woman.
I don't want to act
like a man, either.
Oh, no, Maude, no.
There's nothing wrong
with being a woman.
Sweetheart, you are the
epitome of a marvelous,
exciting, wonderful woman.
I know that, Walter.
I want to be much
more than that.
No, you're much more than that.
Mwah, much, much,
mwah, much more.
Oh, Walter.
Walter, help me.
Help me. Help me find myself.
Maude, you are beautiful.
I know that, too.
Tell me I'm intelligent.
Tell me I'm capable!
You are intelligent,
capable,
competent.
Do you really mean that?
You have to have more
faith in your own ability.
You've got to realize that
you can function as a woman
in that place just like you
function so sensationally
as a woman everywhere else.
Well, it's true that when
I first started working
when I was a sales
person, I did compete.
Of course, you did, but let go!
Just be yourself.
And I was the company
choice to be office manager,
and if I can accomplish
all that as a woman
then why should I be ashamed
of acting like a woman?
You shouldn't be ashamed.
Never, never.
Never be ashamed.
Oh, Walter,
Walter, if I only had
the courage to go back.
Maude,
you must go back.
And you will go back.
Right after lunch.
Oh, Walter,
Walter, it's special
moments like this when I...
When I realize how
much I need you.
And vice versa,
Maude, vice versa.
Oh, Walter,
Walter, you're giving
me the lift I need.
I'm doing the best I can.
Oh, Walter, thanks to you,
I think, I think I can
do it. I know I can do it.
I will do it.
And, Walter, I promise
I'll never ever let sex
stand in the way again.
Now, you're talkin'.
Those men were wrong, Walter.
Society is wrong.
And it's up to real
women to change that.
Maude, where are you goin'?
Back where I belong, Walter.
Back to that office!
But, Maude, I thought
you and I...
Walter, it's 10
o'clock in the morning!
- And one for you.
- Thank you.
- And for you.
- Maude.
And one for you.
And, mother, pin a rose on me.
And from now on, no
more fights, no more tears.
You have your assignments,
gentlemen, get to work.
Oh, you're gonna
make your own coffee.
Um, Maude, I...
That's a terrific case.
What does the M-S stand
for, "Master Sergeant"?
That's cute, Woody.
No, actually it stands for
"Millicent Sweetbreads."
She was a... She
was a piano tuner
who, uh, became the
very first woman President
of the United States.
I believe it was in 1945.
I remember voting for her,
because when she first
arrived at my house...
Truce. Truce.
Look, Woody, about
this morning, I'm sorry.
I was pressing.
No hard feelings.
Yeah, I was a little upset
myself, you understand.
A guy gets passed
over for a $9000...
$9000 a year job, he
gets a little steamed.
- You know what I mean?
- Oh, of course, I do.
Woody, yes, of course, I do.
I didn't want you
to see me this way.
Ah, come on, Woody.
Woody, don't be embarrassed.
I mean, if it had happened...
- Did you say $9000?
- Yeah.
I'm only getting $7000.
Well, naturally, you're a woman.
- Um.
- A woman.
Well, the company figures
a dame doesn't need
as much as a man. You
know, a man has a wi... wife to...
Family to support, and
inflation, and all of that.
You're different. You
got a guy to support you.
Uh, listen, you two, you
have exactly 10 minutes
to get him shaped
up and back to work.
And that goes for
both of you also.
If I'm going to do a
$9000 a year job for $7000,
I am going to take
the longest coffee
break in history.
Hello, Walter, where are you?
Are you still upstairs?
Good. You stay there.
If you think I'm gonna
take this lying down...
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪