Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 14 - Nostalgia Party - full transcript
Walter & Maude host a costume New Year's Eve Party where everyone has to show up in clothing that represents the year they think was the best. Everyone has a different idea of what year was the best as the costumes vary greatly.
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
Slave driver!
Listen, Mrs. Naugatuck,
you are working my New
Year's Eve party tonight.
And that's that.
Naugatuck, you break any
of my good china, and I'll...
It's a relief to know the
good Lord is still English.
- Allah, be praised.
- Allah?
The broken china, I go Muslim.
Because of your
uncanny resemblance,
I thought you'd go for Buddha.
Anyway, finish
taking this stuff inside,
and put it on the table.
Eh. What about my
date with the bus driver?
I am all dressed up for it.
I am sorry. You'll
just have to cancel it.
Oh, drats, drats!
We were going to have a ball,
driving his bus
all round the town.
And at midnight we were
going to blow the horn.
Mrs. Naugatuck, this is
gonna be a fabulous party.
The most fantastic party ever.
I mean, I guarantee
you, this is not going to be
one of those typical
New Year's Eve disasters,
where all the guests sit around,
waiting for Guy
Lombardo to come on,
while two drunks throw
up in their paper hat.
What makes you think,
your dull party is
going to be any better?
Oh, because I
have a big surprise!
The greatest,
most fun filled idea,
I have ever had for a party.
And I'd tell you what it is,
except you have a big mouth.
Oh... I couldn't care less.
You're going to hear it,
whether you want to or not.
Do you know what it is?
Do you know what it is?
Something that hasn't
been done in years.
A lost art!
A scavenger hunt.
Isn't that marvelous?
I planted little gifties
all over the house,
and the guest, who
finds the most little gifties,
gets a really big
giftie as a prize.
What's the prize? A
paper hat to throw up in?
Mrs. Naugatuck, don't be silly.
It's going to be a jolly time.
Viv, isn't it going
to be a jolly time?
Oh, shut up, Maude.
Maude, just look at this.
These crumbs were a
cake for your party tonight,
until my microwave oven blew up.
- It's all your fault.
- My fault?
Yes, if it weren't
for your dumb party,
I could have gotten another
day's use out of my oven.
I just hate New
Year's Eve parties.
Oh, Vivian!
You are going to
have the best time,
you have ever had
at a party tonight.
Because I have a brilliant idea,
- Vivian.
- Uh-huh.
A surprise!
Just hope it's better
than your party last year,
when we all sat around,
waiting for Guy Lombardo
And George Freebody
threw up in his paper hat.
♪ Whistle while I work... ♪
Uh, by the way, Maude,
I forgot to tell you I spoke
to Estelle Ellinger today.
So did I. Do you know that
she had the nerve
to call up and sniff
around for an invitation.
Eh-eh, I did not invite her.
I did.
Vivian, how could you invite
Estelle and Herman
Ellinger to my party?
They are always fighting.
Well, so are you and Walter.
I thought we could
use a little variety.
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
Tonight's party is foolproof.
Not even the
Ellingers can ruin it.
Happy New Year, Arthur.
Happy New Year,
my metatarsal arch.
Well, what's the
matter, sweetums?
I had a flat tire on
the throughway.
I had to wait a whole hour
before anybody
could be flagged down.
Oh, then he helped
you change your tire?
He did no such thing.
He robbed me. He held me up.
No...
He got $35
and a month-supply
of rubber fingers.
How I hate New
Year's Eve parties!
Everybody gets drunk and
asks for free medical advice.
What really bothers Arthur
is he gets drunk
and gives it to them.
Listen, Arthur, I promise you,
even you are going
to have a ball tonight.
Phillip, Phillip,
Phillip, Phillip, Phillip.
How would you like to do Grandma
a little favor for
her party tonight?
Leave me alone, Grandma.
I'm a kid and I'm cranky.
Vivian, how would
you like to do Grandma
a little favor tonight and
at the stroke of midnight
come downstairs
wearing a diaper?
Is that your big
surprise for the party?
Well, of course not, Viv.
That's just a little
extra trimming.
Not for what I'm getting paid.
Happy New Year!
At last! At last somebody
with a little holiday spirit.
I'll see you all in '75.
I'm going right to bed.
Walter, you come
right back down here.
Maude, don't give
me a hard time.
You know, that Santa
Claus I hired for Christmas?
I just found out why
he had such a big belly.
He walked out of the store
with two toasters,
a clock radio,
and a portable color television.
The same to you, Phillip.
One more word outta you,
I'm gonna wake you up,
and force you to come down
to your grandmother's
lousy New Year's Eve party.
Let me tell you
something, little lady.
It's still not too late for me
to force you to take
accordion lessons.
Maude, get off her back.
Now, she deserved it, Walter.
Don't snap at Walter, Vivian.
Aw, now wait a minute.
It's New Year's Eve.
We're supposed to be
celebrating, remember?
Celebrating what?
There's nothing to celebrate.
Because of inflation,
I am going broke.
'74 was the worst
year of my life.
I agree with Walter.
It was a terrible year.
Watergate, the energy crisis...
And those disgusting movies,
"The Green Door," and
"The Devil in Miss Jones."
Disgusting is right.
I'd never go to see those again.
Oh, listen. I'll grant everybody
that '74 wasn't such a hot year
but we can celebrate
the coming year, 1975.
- '75 is going to be even worse.
- Who says so?
President Ford says so,
and he never says anything.
Now, listen here, Walter.
You have no business to
start attacking President Ford.
- Arthur, what is that...
- Wait a minute...
Oh, hold it up,
Knock it off, Walter.
Knock it off, Carol.
Knock it off, Viv.
- Knock it off, Arthur.
- It's very un...
Knock it off, Phillip.
Look, I grant you all that
there is usually nothing
duller in the world than
a New Year's Eve party.
And I'll also grant you,
that there's not much to
celebrate about '74 or '75,
but, kids, I have the world's
greatest New
Year's Eve party idea.
I mean, it is
absolutely fabulous.
- You wanna know what it is?
- C'mon, beg me.
Beg me, beg me, beg me!
Enough begging, I'll tell you.
But, I must swear
you all to secrecy,
I don't want any of the other
guests to hear about this.
This is something... Are
you ready? Are you ready?
- A scavenger hunt.
- What?
A scavenger hunt
No one has had one in years.
It is a lost art.
Oh! I've hidden little
gifties all over the house.
Scavenger hunts are fun.
You see, you see, you see!
Even Vivian says,
they're a lot of fun. Ooh!
Sure, I loved the scavenger hunt
last night at the Martins.
You lie!
The Martins did not
have a scavenger hunt.
Oh... they had a scavenger hunt?
How can I have a
scavenger hunt now?
I'll be the laughing
stock of Tuckahoe.
They'll boo me out
of the beauty parlor.
Don't panic.
Maybe you've got better gifties.
Oh, I doubt it. She
had gifties from Gucci's.
Shut up, Vivian!
Oh, my party is ruined!
The whole night is ruined.
Ah, so what, Maude? It
was a rotten year anyway.
I don't want to
celebrate '74 or '75.
If I was going to
celebrate any year,
I'd pick a year that I like,
like 1937 or '42, or '58.
All right, you do that!
You do that, Walter...
I wash my hands
off the whole thing.
I don't care what you did,
what you will do, wha...
Walter, that's it.
Walter, that's it!
That's the party!
Walter, that's the party!
This is going to be the greatest
New Year's Eve Party ever! Oh.
Mother, what are
you talking about?
Look. Nobody liked '74, right?
-Right -That's right.
Why don't we each pick...
our favorite year, and
come as that year?
- What a great idea.
- That's not a bad idea.
That's cute, I like it!
We'll all pick our most
nostalgic year, to celebrate.
Greatest New Year's Eve...
Oh now, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.
Now listen, everybody
has to wear something
that is symbolic of what
he or she was doing
that particular year.
Oh, Carol, you call
the other guests.
The list is over there.
Oh, this is gonna be the
greatest New Year's Eve party.
Tell me, Mrs. Naugatuck,
what was your favorite year?
Oh, I don't know.
But I can tell you
my least favorite year, 1492!
Mrs. Naugatuck.
1492?
If Columbus hadn't
discovered this flipping country,
I wouldn't be
working here tonight.
Crazy, crazy, crazy!
Terrific, Carol, terrific!
Indecent, but it's terrific.
Hi!
- Don't you look cute?
- So, do you...
1961, great year.
Jack 5, Chubby
Checker, Bobby Vee.
I was a teenybopper.
Bopper, yes. Teeny, never.
Hello, my name is Vivian,
and I am only five years old.
Then you shouldn't be drinking.
Hey, everybody,
guess what year I am.
'48.
No!
1776.
You're close, Carol. 1952.
The Republican Convention.
I like Ike, I like Ike,
I like Ike.
I was an alternate
delegate at large.
Oh, boy!
I could hardly believe
those foot-long hot dogs.
Some were a foot long.
Aah, Arthur!
You cut that out or I'll have
you arrested for
child molesting.
Okay, Carol, I'm ready.
- Mother insists upon making an entrance.
- - Oh.
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
now is the time for
us to present to you,
the star of her 1945
college freshman revue,
the brunette bombshell,
that long-stemmed
American beauty...
Gypsy Rose Findlay.
Do it, do it...
Take it off, take it all off...
Encore!
Encore!
- Did she really do that?
- She really did.
Oh, I loved it. I loved it,
it's brought the house d...
Of course, when
I did it originally,
I got six curtain calls.
Ah, the entire
Sigma Chi Fraternity
rose as one man and
chased me across campus.
I let two of them catch me.
Oh, 1945, that was
the year to end all years.
Ah, you are wrong there,
Maudie. The great year was 1952.
Wow! I still get the chills,
when I think of my me being
in that great convention hall,
listening to thousands and
thousands of voices chant,
"I like Ike, I like..."
That's thousands
of voices, "I like Ike"
Yeah and Arthur, Arthur.
Don't forget his Vice President,
Milhouse, what's his name?
You know, and his dog, Checkers?
If only that dog
could have talked.
Good evening, from World War II.
♪ I left my heart at the
stage door canteen... ♪
Ohh, I like it!
Wait a minute, Walter, that's
not all you left at the canteen.
Maude, when I was in the
army, I weighed 235 pounds.
Oh, come on, Walter, 235 pounds?
That's right. And those
days I had a lot of hair.
That must be the Ellingers.
Crackers, Irwin?
Jocelyn, would you
like some crackers?
I hope at least tonight
they are not arguing.
I can't stand you!
Estelle, all you do
is talk, talk, talk -
-You make me sick-
-Wait, Wait a minute.
Don't tell me you've come
as the year of the
Dempsey-Tunney fight.
Estelle, why do you
keep slapping me?
-Because I love to slap you-
-Will ya gonna keep slapping?
All right, knock it off.
- Who is this?
- Well, that's Aunt Polly.
I didn't have any
place to leave her.
She is 94 years old.
93!
She lies about her age.
But she loves parties!
So do I!
Especially ones without him. Oh!
All right, then
you just stay here.
I'm going to the
Harrisons' party.
- Not, without me,
you don't! You...
- Yeah.
Now, wait a minute, hey guys!
Guys! You forgot Aunt Polly.
Oh, to hell with them.
Um...
Well, uh...
Uh, may I take your
coat, Aunt Polly?
Polly, want a cracker?
And now, tell me Aunt Polly,
what would you like to do?
Cut everybody out of my will.
That's a lovely sentiment.
Aunt Polly, would you
care for some champagne?
Well, one thing, Aunt
Polly is a cheap drunk.
Smile, Mrs. Naugatuck.
It's New Year's Eve.
- For you...
- For me,
- it's Labor Day!
- Cheer up!
I must say, you know how
to cheer a person up, all right.
- Maude Findlay...
- What did I tell you?
Didn't I say, it
would be fun-filled?
- Yes.
- Look at all the guests.
It's fun-filled. But
you haven't said,
a single word to me,
since you came downstairs.
And after all the trouble I
went to with my costume.
Oh, Viv, honey, I'm sorry.
Now, lemme look at you.
- Oh, my! Don't you look precious.
- Aww... oh,
thank you, Maude.
I'm celebrating the
happiest year of my life,
when I was only five years old,
and my daddy loved me the most.
He used to buy me dollies,
and great big lollipops.
And he took me to the park,
and he pushed me on the swings,
and he would
teeter-totter with me.
Everybody! Everybody...
Isn't this sweet?
Vivian, is coming
as a-as the year...
her daddy loved her the most.
When she was six years old.
No! Not six! Five!
- Five years old...
- Well, all right, Vivian...
- Not six.
- What's the difference?
Six, I hate, hate, hate six!
- Vivian!
- When I was six years old...
my father's love for
me was destroyed...
by an outside force.
Oh, Vivian. A divorce?
No! My rotten baby
brother was born!
He, and my daddy
spent the rest of their lives
shooting baskets!
Why wasn't I a good dribbler?
Oh-ah, Carol...
Carol, sweetheart,
every now and again,
hold a spoon in front
of Aunt Polly's mouth,
see if she's still breathing.
Remember dear, she is 92.
91!
- Oh, Vivian, honey.
- No!
- I'm sorry.
- No!
Come on, dear heart,
you are spoiling the party.
Oh, Arthur, leave Vivian alone.
Well, I don't understand
why she picked that year
if it makes her so miserable.
For heaven sake,
she could've picked
a good year like mine, 1952.
Arthur, how can you say
that '52 was a good year?
We were in the
middle of a recession.
There was trouble
in the Middle East...
Maude's right, Arthur!
1952 was a rotten year.
This is as good a year
as your lousy year, Walter.
Lousy year? I will
have you know,
that 1942 was a great year!
Oh sure. A great year, Walter.
Great for Hitler,
Mussolini, Hirohito...
Hildegard...
All I meant was, that it was a
swell year for me, personally.
I was a young guy in the army
without any responsibilities.
There were plenty of girls.
They must've been hard up to
go out with a 235 pound PFC.
They were. That's
what I liked about 'em.
Oh, come on, Walter.
'42 was a grim year.
Daddy...
Vivian!
My fingers were too
stubby to hold a basketball.
Vivian, will you grow up?
Oh, yeah?
Well, that year you
are celebrating, 1945
was the worst year of
your life, and you know it.
That is not true,
Vivian. I loved 1945.
I adored '45.
I remember your
complexion, Maude.
You were the campus zits queen.
Vivian...
And, the entire
Sigma Chi Fraternity
didn't chase you across campus.
It was Harold
Farquhar. The zit king!
And, let's not forget
that was the year
you met your first
husband, a-ha!
I don't wanna hear about
'45 anymore. Ever again.
What was wrong with
meeting your first husband?
He was my father.
And for that I will
always love him, Carol.
But I could've married
Harold Farquhar.
And you would be
the zits princess.
- Maa.
- Don't you mother me,
Miss Motorcycle 1961.
Of all the thoughtless
years you could've chosen,
That was the year that I
was not only getting a divorce
from my second husband,
but I fell asleep under the
drier and all my hair fell out.
For three months, I
looked like Yul Brynner.
Yeah, except you were taller.
Don't you start with me, Carol.
You were the wildest thing
in the world in those days.
I... you drove me crazy!
Well, you'd be wild
too, if you had no father,
and a bald mother.
Maudie, stop
attacking the poor girl.
Just because your year
turned out to be a big flop.
My year, Arthur?
What about your year, Arthur?
- You leave my year alone!
- Oh, I hate everybody's year!
I want to go home,
I want to leave this...
Hey, watch the...
Forgive me for interrupting,
but since-since nobody
can decide on a favorite year,
I'd like to propose a toast,
to my favorite minute.
Oh, Aunt Polly, please
don't trouble yourself.
Oh, well, when you
get to be my age...
89.
I've... Th-th-th-that...
Last year...
isn't important.
Next year isn't important.
But what is important,
is what's happening now.
Now?
Now, baby!
Aunt Polly is right, you know.
Huh, even though, I've
been complaining all-night,
the fact is that I work
for the Findlay's...
and I've... never...
been so happy in my life.
Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck!
What a lovely thing to say!
And, I'd like to
smell your breath.
So would I!
God love you all!
Oh.
Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck,
come back here, dear.
Come back here.
And please forgive
us, here we've been...
indulging our egos
over a lot of silly years
in the past.
Years that really weren't half
as nice as we remember them.
Come on, everybody!
Aunt Polly is absolutely right!
The present is what counts.
Hear, hear.
Ah!
It's New Year's!
Oh, happy 1875!
Aunt Polly...
Aunt Polly, not 1875.1975.
What's the difference?
It's now!
I agree!
Right on!
Walter...
- Happy now, Walter.
- Happy now.
- Good night.
- Good night!
What are we gonna do, Maude?
It's four o'clock
in the morning.
And Aunt Polly is
still going strong.
I think-I think...
someone's been spiking
her champagne with Geritol.
Well, I'm exhausted.
Why don't I just ask
her to stay overnight?
Great idea.
Aunt Polly...
Aunt Polly,
isn't it time we went to bed?
Oh, sure, kiddo.
But, what will your wife say?
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
Slave driver!
Listen, Mrs. Naugatuck,
you are working my New
Year's Eve party tonight.
And that's that.
Naugatuck, you break any
of my good china, and I'll...
It's a relief to know the
good Lord is still English.
- Allah, be praised.
- Allah?
The broken china, I go Muslim.
Because of your
uncanny resemblance,
I thought you'd go for Buddha.
Anyway, finish
taking this stuff inside,
and put it on the table.
Eh. What about my
date with the bus driver?
I am all dressed up for it.
I am sorry. You'll
just have to cancel it.
Oh, drats, drats!
We were going to have a ball,
driving his bus
all round the town.
And at midnight we were
going to blow the horn.
Mrs. Naugatuck, this is
gonna be a fabulous party.
The most fantastic party ever.
I mean, I guarantee
you, this is not going to be
one of those typical
New Year's Eve disasters,
where all the guests sit around,
waiting for Guy
Lombardo to come on,
while two drunks throw
up in their paper hat.
What makes you think,
your dull party is
going to be any better?
Oh, because I
have a big surprise!
The greatest,
most fun filled idea,
I have ever had for a party.
And I'd tell you what it is,
except you have a big mouth.
Oh... I couldn't care less.
You're going to hear it,
whether you want to or not.
Do you know what it is?
Do you know what it is?
Something that hasn't
been done in years.
A lost art!
A scavenger hunt.
Isn't that marvelous?
I planted little gifties
all over the house,
and the guest, who
finds the most little gifties,
gets a really big
giftie as a prize.
What's the prize? A
paper hat to throw up in?
Mrs. Naugatuck, don't be silly.
It's going to be a jolly time.
Viv, isn't it going
to be a jolly time?
Oh, shut up, Maude.
Maude, just look at this.
These crumbs were a
cake for your party tonight,
until my microwave oven blew up.
- It's all your fault.
- My fault?
Yes, if it weren't
for your dumb party,
I could have gotten another
day's use out of my oven.
I just hate New
Year's Eve parties.
Oh, Vivian!
You are going to
have the best time,
you have ever had
at a party tonight.
Because I have a brilliant idea,
- Vivian.
- Uh-huh.
A surprise!
Just hope it's better
than your party last year,
when we all sat around,
waiting for Guy Lombardo
And George Freebody
threw up in his paper hat.
♪ Whistle while I work... ♪
Uh, by the way, Maude,
I forgot to tell you I spoke
to Estelle Ellinger today.
So did I. Do you know that
she had the nerve
to call up and sniff
around for an invitation.
Eh-eh, I did not invite her.
I did.
Vivian, how could you invite
Estelle and Herman
Ellinger to my party?
They are always fighting.
Well, so are you and Walter.
I thought we could
use a little variety.
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
Tonight's party is foolproof.
Not even the
Ellingers can ruin it.
Happy New Year, Arthur.
Happy New Year,
my metatarsal arch.
Well, what's the
matter, sweetums?
I had a flat tire on
the throughway.
I had to wait a whole hour
before anybody
could be flagged down.
Oh, then he helped
you change your tire?
He did no such thing.
He robbed me. He held me up.
No...
He got $35
and a month-supply
of rubber fingers.
How I hate New
Year's Eve parties!
Everybody gets drunk and
asks for free medical advice.
What really bothers Arthur
is he gets drunk
and gives it to them.
Listen, Arthur, I promise you,
even you are going
to have a ball tonight.
Phillip, Phillip,
Phillip, Phillip, Phillip.
How would you like to do Grandma
a little favor for
her party tonight?
Leave me alone, Grandma.
I'm a kid and I'm cranky.
Vivian, how would
you like to do Grandma
a little favor tonight and
at the stroke of midnight
come downstairs
wearing a diaper?
Is that your big
surprise for the party?
Well, of course not, Viv.
That's just a little
extra trimming.
Not for what I'm getting paid.
Happy New Year!
At last! At last somebody
with a little holiday spirit.
I'll see you all in '75.
I'm going right to bed.
Walter, you come
right back down here.
Maude, don't give
me a hard time.
You know, that Santa
Claus I hired for Christmas?
I just found out why
he had such a big belly.
He walked out of the store
with two toasters,
a clock radio,
and a portable color television.
The same to you, Phillip.
One more word outta you,
I'm gonna wake you up,
and force you to come down
to your grandmother's
lousy New Year's Eve party.
Let me tell you
something, little lady.
It's still not too late for me
to force you to take
accordion lessons.
Maude, get off her back.
Now, she deserved it, Walter.
Don't snap at Walter, Vivian.
Aw, now wait a minute.
It's New Year's Eve.
We're supposed to be
celebrating, remember?
Celebrating what?
There's nothing to celebrate.
Because of inflation,
I am going broke.
'74 was the worst
year of my life.
I agree with Walter.
It was a terrible year.
Watergate, the energy crisis...
And those disgusting movies,
"The Green Door," and
"The Devil in Miss Jones."
Disgusting is right.
I'd never go to see those again.
Oh, listen. I'll grant everybody
that '74 wasn't such a hot year
but we can celebrate
the coming year, 1975.
- '75 is going to be even worse.
- Who says so?
President Ford says so,
and he never says anything.
Now, listen here, Walter.
You have no business to
start attacking President Ford.
- Arthur, what is that...
- Wait a minute...
Oh, hold it up,
Knock it off, Walter.
Knock it off, Carol.
Knock it off, Viv.
- Knock it off, Arthur.
- It's very un...
Knock it off, Phillip.
Look, I grant you all that
there is usually nothing
duller in the world than
a New Year's Eve party.
And I'll also grant you,
that there's not much to
celebrate about '74 or '75,
but, kids, I have the world's
greatest New
Year's Eve party idea.
I mean, it is
absolutely fabulous.
- You wanna know what it is?
- C'mon, beg me.
Beg me, beg me, beg me!
Enough begging, I'll tell you.
But, I must swear
you all to secrecy,
I don't want any of the other
guests to hear about this.
This is something... Are
you ready? Are you ready?
- A scavenger hunt.
- What?
A scavenger hunt
No one has had one in years.
It is a lost art.
Oh! I've hidden little
gifties all over the house.
Scavenger hunts are fun.
You see, you see, you see!
Even Vivian says,
they're a lot of fun. Ooh!
Sure, I loved the scavenger hunt
last night at the Martins.
You lie!
The Martins did not
have a scavenger hunt.
Oh... they had a scavenger hunt?
How can I have a
scavenger hunt now?
I'll be the laughing
stock of Tuckahoe.
They'll boo me out
of the beauty parlor.
Don't panic.
Maybe you've got better gifties.
Oh, I doubt it. She
had gifties from Gucci's.
Shut up, Vivian!
Oh, my party is ruined!
The whole night is ruined.
Ah, so what, Maude? It
was a rotten year anyway.
I don't want to
celebrate '74 or '75.
If I was going to
celebrate any year,
I'd pick a year that I like,
like 1937 or '42, or '58.
All right, you do that!
You do that, Walter...
I wash my hands
off the whole thing.
I don't care what you did,
what you will do, wha...
Walter, that's it.
Walter, that's it!
That's the party!
Walter, that's the party!
This is going to be the greatest
New Year's Eve Party ever! Oh.
Mother, what are
you talking about?
Look. Nobody liked '74, right?
-Right -That's right.
Why don't we each pick...
our favorite year, and
come as that year?
- What a great idea.
- That's not a bad idea.
That's cute, I like it!
We'll all pick our most
nostalgic year, to celebrate.
Greatest New Year's Eve...
Oh now, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.
Now listen, everybody
has to wear something
that is symbolic of what
he or she was doing
that particular year.
Oh, Carol, you call
the other guests.
The list is over there.
Oh, this is gonna be the
greatest New Year's Eve party.
Tell me, Mrs. Naugatuck,
what was your favorite year?
Oh, I don't know.
But I can tell you
my least favorite year, 1492!
Mrs. Naugatuck.
1492?
If Columbus hadn't
discovered this flipping country,
I wouldn't be
working here tonight.
Crazy, crazy, crazy!
Terrific, Carol, terrific!
Indecent, but it's terrific.
Hi!
- Don't you look cute?
- So, do you...
1961, great year.
Jack 5, Chubby
Checker, Bobby Vee.
I was a teenybopper.
Bopper, yes. Teeny, never.
Hello, my name is Vivian,
and I am only five years old.
Then you shouldn't be drinking.
Hey, everybody,
guess what year I am.
'48.
No!
1776.
You're close, Carol. 1952.
The Republican Convention.
I like Ike, I like Ike,
I like Ike.
I was an alternate
delegate at large.
Oh, boy!
I could hardly believe
those foot-long hot dogs.
Some were a foot long.
Aah, Arthur!
You cut that out or I'll have
you arrested for
child molesting.
Okay, Carol, I'm ready.
- Mother insists upon making an entrance.
- - Oh.
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
now is the time for
us to present to you,
the star of her 1945
college freshman revue,
the brunette bombshell,
that long-stemmed
American beauty...
Gypsy Rose Findlay.
Do it, do it...
Take it off, take it all off...
Encore!
Encore!
- Did she really do that?
- She really did.
Oh, I loved it. I loved it,
it's brought the house d...
Of course, when
I did it originally,
I got six curtain calls.
Ah, the entire
Sigma Chi Fraternity
rose as one man and
chased me across campus.
I let two of them catch me.
Oh, 1945, that was
the year to end all years.
Ah, you are wrong there,
Maudie. The great year was 1952.
Wow! I still get the chills,
when I think of my me being
in that great convention hall,
listening to thousands and
thousands of voices chant,
"I like Ike, I like..."
That's thousands
of voices, "I like Ike"
Yeah and Arthur, Arthur.
Don't forget his Vice President,
Milhouse, what's his name?
You know, and his dog, Checkers?
If only that dog
could have talked.
Good evening, from World War II.
♪ I left my heart at the
stage door canteen... ♪
Ohh, I like it!
Wait a minute, Walter, that's
not all you left at the canteen.
Maude, when I was in the
army, I weighed 235 pounds.
Oh, come on, Walter, 235 pounds?
That's right. And those
days I had a lot of hair.
That must be the Ellingers.
Crackers, Irwin?
Jocelyn, would you
like some crackers?
I hope at least tonight
they are not arguing.
I can't stand you!
Estelle, all you do
is talk, talk, talk -
-You make me sick-
-Wait, Wait a minute.
Don't tell me you've come
as the year of the
Dempsey-Tunney fight.
Estelle, why do you
keep slapping me?
-Because I love to slap you-
-Will ya gonna keep slapping?
All right, knock it off.
- Who is this?
- Well, that's Aunt Polly.
I didn't have any
place to leave her.
She is 94 years old.
93!
She lies about her age.
But she loves parties!
So do I!
Especially ones without him. Oh!
All right, then
you just stay here.
I'm going to the
Harrisons' party.
- Not, without me,
you don't! You...
- Yeah.
Now, wait a minute, hey guys!
Guys! You forgot Aunt Polly.
Oh, to hell with them.
Um...
Well, uh...
Uh, may I take your
coat, Aunt Polly?
Polly, want a cracker?
And now, tell me Aunt Polly,
what would you like to do?
Cut everybody out of my will.
That's a lovely sentiment.
Aunt Polly, would you
care for some champagne?
Well, one thing, Aunt
Polly is a cheap drunk.
Smile, Mrs. Naugatuck.
It's New Year's Eve.
- For you...
- For me,
- it's Labor Day!
- Cheer up!
I must say, you know how
to cheer a person up, all right.
- Maude Findlay...
- What did I tell you?
Didn't I say, it
would be fun-filled?
- Yes.
- Look at all the guests.
It's fun-filled. But
you haven't said,
a single word to me,
since you came downstairs.
And after all the trouble I
went to with my costume.
Oh, Viv, honey, I'm sorry.
Now, lemme look at you.
- Oh, my! Don't you look precious.
- Aww... oh,
thank you, Maude.
I'm celebrating the
happiest year of my life,
when I was only five years old,
and my daddy loved me the most.
He used to buy me dollies,
and great big lollipops.
And he took me to the park,
and he pushed me on the swings,
and he would
teeter-totter with me.
Everybody! Everybody...
Isn't this sweet?
Vivian, is coming
as a-as the year...
her daddy loved her the most.
When she was six years old.
No! Not six! Five!
- Five years old...
- Well, all right, Vivian...
- Not six.
- What's the difference?
Six, I hate, hate, hate six!
- Vivian!
- When I was six years old...
my father's love for
me was destroyed...
by an outside force.
Oh, Vivian. A divorce?
No! My rotten baby
brother was born!
He, and my daddy
spent the rest of their lives
shooting baskets!
Why wasn't I a good dribbler?
Oh-ah, Carol...
Carol, sweetheart,
every now and again,
hold a spoon in front
of Aunt Polly's mouth,
see if she's still breathing.
Remember dear, she is 92.
91!
- Oh, Vivian, honey.
- No!
- I'm sorry.
- No!
Come on, dear heart,
you are spoiling the party.
Oh, Arthur, leave Vivian alone.
Well, I don't understand
why she picked that year
if it makes her so miserable.
For heaven sake,
she could've picked
a good year like mine, 1952.
Arthur, how can you say
that '52 was a good year?
We were in the
middle of a recession.
There was trouble
in the Middle East...
Maude's right, Arthur!
1952 was a rotten year.
This is as good a year
as your lousy year, Walter.
Lousy year? I will
have you know,
that 1942 was a great year!
Oh sure. A great year, Walter.
Great for Hitler,
Mussolini, Hirohito...
Hildegard...
All I meant was, that it was a
swell year for me, personally.
I was a young guy in the army
without any responsibilities.
There were plenty of girls.
They must've been hard up to
go out with a 235 pound PFC.
They were. That's
what I liked about 'em.
Oh, come on, Walter.
'42 was a grim year.
Daddy...
Vivian!
My fingers were too
stubby to hold a basketball.
Vivian, will you grow up?
Oh, yeah?
Well, that year you
are celebrating, 1945
was the worst year of
your life, and you know it.
That is not true,
Vivian. I loved 1945.
I adored '45.
I remember your
complexion, Maude.
You were the campus zits queen.
Vivian...
And, the entire
Sigma Chi Fraternity
didn't chase you across campus.
It was Harold
Farquhar. The zit king!
And, let's not forget
that was the year
you met your first
husband, a-ha!
I don't wanna hear about
'45 anymore. Ever again.
What was wrong with
meeting your first husband?
He was my father.
And for that I will
always love him, Carol.
But I could've married
Harold Farquhar.
And you would be
the zits princess.
- Maa.
- Don't you mother me,
Miss Motorcycle 1961.
Of all the thoughtless
years you could've chosen,
That was the year that I
was not only getting a divorce
from my second husband,
but I fell asleep under the
drier and all my hair fell out.
For three months, I
looked like Yul Brynner.
Yeah, except you were taller.
Don't you start with me, Carol.
You were the wildest thing
in the world in those days.
I... you drove me crazy!
Well, you'd be wild
too, if you had no father,
and a bald mother.
Maudie, stop
attacking the poor girl.
Just because your year
turned out to be a big flop.
My year, Arthur?
What about your year, Arthur?
- You leave my year alone!
- Oh, I hate everybody's year!
I want to go home,
I want to leave this...
Hey, watch the...
Forgive me for interrupting,
but since-since nobody
can decide on a favorite year,
I'd like to propose a toast,
to my favorite minute.
Oh, Aunt Polly, please
don't trouble yourself.
Oh, well, when you
get to be my age...
89.
I've... Th-th-th-that...
Last year...
isn't important.
Next year isn't important.
But what is important,
is what's happening now.
Now?
Now, baby!
Aunt Polly is right, you know.
Huh, even though, I've
been complaining all-night,
the fact is that I work
for the Findlay's...
and I've... never...
been so happy in my life.
Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck!
What a lovely thing to say!
And, I'd like to
smell your breath.
So would I!
God love you all!
Oh.
Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck,
come back here, dear.
Come back here.
And please forgive
us, here we've been...
indulging our egos
over a lot of silly years
in the past.
Years that really weren't half
as nice as we remember them.
Come on, everybody!
Aunt Polly is absolutely right!
The present is what counts.
Hear, hear.
Ah!
It's New Year's!
Oh, happy 1875!
Aunt Polly...
Aunt Polly, not 1875.1975.
What's the difference?
It's now!
I agree!
Right on!
Walter...
- Happy now, Walter.
- Happy now.
- Good night.
- Good night!
What are we gonna do, Maude?
It's four o'clock
in the morning.
And Aunt Polly is
still going strong.
I think-I think...
someone's been spiking
her champagne with Geritol.
Well, I'm exhausted.
Why don't I just ask
her to stay overnight?
Great idea.
Aunt Polly...
Aunt Polly,
isn't it time we went to bed?
Oh, sure, kiddo.
But, what will your wife say?
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪