Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 6 - Florida's Affair - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ And you're glad
she showed up ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin'
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizing ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

Henry? Henry, don't
argue with your wife.

Just come on over
here and take me home.

Ain't nothing
wrong with the bus,

I just don't wanna
ride by myself.

I don't wanna be
anywhere by myself.

Henry, just do what I say
unless you wanna sleep

with a cat for your body warmth.



Henry?

Men.

If men knew what
women knew about men,

men wouldn't have nothing
to do with themselves.

Hello, Stella?

Listen, when you get the
working over at Dr. Harmon's,

I want you to come by and get me

because I don't
wanna go home alone.

It ain't safe for a
girl on the street.

What do you mean what girl?

Me!

Uh-oh.

(whistles)

Well, hello there, foxy mama!

It ain't safe in
this house neither,

so you do like I say.

You're supposed
to stay downstairs

working on that furnace.

Well, now, Florida,
even a plumber

has got the right to sip a
cup of coffee now and then.

Yeah. Well, you've been
running up here for coffee

like you're trying
to clean out Brazil.

Well, to tell you
the truth, it ain't

the coffee in here that's
the feature attraction.

Mr. Fulton, you don't
wanna mess with me.

I'm sure I got about
eight years on you.

Eight years of
maturity, Florida,

just like fine wine.

That's what I got on my mind.

Fine wine.

Fine wine my foot.

What you got on your mind is a
bucket of beer and hoop-dee-doo.

Now, I'm gonna
have to tell you again,

I'm a married woman.

Yeah. But that don't stop
you from being desirable.

Yeah. But it do stop
me from being available.

Now, buzz off, Super Fly.

- Walter: Mr. Fulton?
- Uh-oh.

Are you there, Mr. Fulton?

Just like General MacArthur
said, "I shall return."

Mr. Fulton, did
you tell Mrs. Findlay

that I have to lay out another
$600 to fix the furnace?

I'm afraid so, Mr. Findlay.

You wait until the
job is half done

and then you sock it
to the costumer, huh?

Well, that's unethical.

It would give me
a lot of satisfaction

to throw you right out of here.

Well, that's gonna
leave this house very high

on satisfaction but
mighty low on temperature.

Come on, Maude, you
wanna make that movie.

Maude: Walter, I'm hurrying

but it's so cold up here,
my fingers are numb.

Well, if we don't get going,
by the time we get there,

Jesus Christ Superstar
would have already risen.

Honey, I'm sorry,

but judging makeup
is very difficult

when your nose is turning blue.

Come on. Cut it out, Maude.

I'm not in the mood.

That con artist you
found me to fix the furnace

- is gonna charge...
- Walter, please.

You can't go around
calling Mr. Fulton a con artist.

He's black.

He's black? No kidding.

Hey, Mr. Fulton, you're a black.

You know that you're
a black, Mr. Fulton?

Walter, please!

Will you put your
coat on, Maude?

I'll get the car
out of the garage.

Florida, I'm leaving now.

Fulton: Oh, damn!

Florida, what was that crash?

The cake fell.

Florida, I have seen
cakes falling in my time,

but this is the first one
that ever screamed in pain.

Mean, mean.

Florida, don't tell me
Mr. Fulton was making overtures.

Overtures nothing,

he's heading
straight for the finale.

Now, you keep that furnace
fixer out of my kitchen.

Oh, come on. Now Florida,
you've been complaining

about Mr. Fulton for three days.

You're a big girl now.

You can handle it.

Beside, you have to expect
this kind of thing for men

when you're as attractive
and seasoned as we are.

I know, like fine wine.

Don't tell me he's
been eyeballing you too.

Now, stop being so melodramatic.

I am not being melodramatic.

Florida, has he
put a hand on you,

has he done anything
except ogle you?

No. But with him, ogle
is a four-letter word.

(car honking)

Look, Florida, I don't have
time to argue with you now.

- I have to get going.
- But you can't,

you can't leave me
here alone with that man.

Mr. Findlay is waiting for me.

But what about me?

Oh, all right, Florida.

I'll talk to Mr. Fulton.

- (honking)
- Oh, shut up, Walter.

Mr. Fulton, I'd like
a word with you.

(honking)

That's very nice, Walter.

Mommy's glad to hear
you practicing the horn.

Now, knock it off.

Now look, Mr. Fulton,
I'm gonna make this brief.

We're driving down to East
Tuckahoe to the movies.

Oh, that's where they're
playing Jesus Christ Superstar.

That's the one where
the black cat play

as the villain, Judas.

It only goes to show
how far my people

has come to our equality.

Get off it, Mr. Fulton.

And I'm not in the mood
for chit chat or light banter.

Oh, is something's wrong?

Y'all don't like
somethin' about the work

I've been doing
downstairs, Ms. Ma'am?

No. The work is... Ms. Ma'am?

What did you say?

Oh, I said, I'm begging
your pardon as I do,

is you unhappy with my work?

No. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

I'm completely
satisfied, completely.

I mean, if the lady ain't
happy about my work

I'll change it faster than

a frog's tongue
flicking in a pack of flies.

No. I mean, I'm...
Oh, that is marvelous.

Faster than a frog's tongue

flicking in a pack of flies?

And you can quote
me on that if'n you want.

Now, is the lady
sho' she's satisfied?

Oh, the lady is sho'.

I mean... I mean, I'm
completely satisfied.

Well, in that case then,

I guess I'll just shuffle alone.

Florida, I mean,
anyone can see the man

is completely harmless.

Yeah. You back down
faster than a frog's tongue

- flicking in a pack...
- Shut up.

Mrs. Findlay, wait, please.

Look, Florida, Florida,
you can handle this.

Honey, do you think I
would leave you if I thought

you were in any danger?

Florida, I would cut
off my arm for you.

Well, then do it so I could
beat him over the head with it.

Mrs. Findlay,
Superstar can wait.

But I can't, Florida.

You know how I hate to come
in in the middle of the bible.

(car honking)

♪ Raindrops keep
falling on my head ♪

If you come anywhere
near me, so help me,

there's gonna be more than
raindrops falling on your head.

Stella, it's about
time you got here.

All right, Ms. Nasty,

what got your
tail up in the wind?

- You ready to go home?
- Hmm, not quite.

Well then, hello and goodbye.

Wait. What are you off to?

Where do you think I'm off to?

Acapulco, I just won a free trip

with Henry Kissinger
on the dating game.

What's in you, girl?

Me? Nothing.

Nothing? Are you sure?

I said nothing, didn't I?

Nothing.

♪ Raindrops keep fall... ♪

Mm-mmm!

You call that nothing?

Well, you got plenty nothing,

but nothing's plenty for me.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

He's fixing our heating system.

He's just a furnace man.

A furnace man, huh?

Well, baby come light my fire.

So, he's trying to get
a little sociable, huh?

Stella, where'd you get a
crazy idea like that from?

I just seen him look at you
like he was peeling a banana.

Well, if he tries to
peel this banana,

he's gonna find out
it's forbidden fruit.

You ain't interested?

Me? Oh.

The answer is no?

N-O.

Hot ziggity, he really
got your nose open,

ain't he, girl?

Have you gone soft in the head?

He got eyes for me 'cause he
say I'm mature like fine wine.

I don't even wanna be in
the same house with him.

I don't trust him.

Uh-uh. It ain't him you
don't trust, it's you, baby.

Well, good luck.

Stella, you're not leaving?

You don't see me doing
noting else, do you? Bye.

Stella, Stella, wait.

♪ Raindrops keep
falling on my head ♪

Here comes the weather report.

Guess who?

Whoever it is, I
ain't interested.

Oh, come on now, Florida.

Don't be like that.

Look, Mr. Fulton.

I'm not your ordinary
walk-in-the-front-door,

walk-out-the-backdoor
type of lady.

Exactly. Florida, you
are looking at a man

who has never gazed
upon you with anything

but the greatest respect

and holds the highest
regard for your erudition.

My what?

Erudition.

It's another word
for intelligence.

I know that.

You see, Florida,
you not only got beauty

of the body and
beauty of the soul,

you got beauty of the brain.

You got erudition.

Now, you can't get mad at a
man for worshiping your mind?

No. But... you're just
loaded with words, ain't you?

Now, stop jiving me.

I ain't jiving you, Florida.

Oh yes, you are, Mr. Fulton.

Hey, why don't you just
call me by my first name,

Wittnauer?

How come they gave you a
name like Wittnauer anyway?

Oh, the same reason I got
me a twin sister named Longine.

My daddy worked
for the Railroad.

I also got a brother
named Ingersoll,

you got to shake
him to make him work.

I'm never gonna believe
anything you say, Wittnauer.

Oh damn, woman.

You got a laugh that
lights up the world.

Not your world.

Oh, come on now, Florida.

I can see you ain't
angry with me no longer.

(music playing)

Hey, let's celebrate
burying the hatchet.

How about moving
the body a little bit?

I ain't got no time for that,
Wittnauer, I got work to do.

Oh, come on now, Florida.

You're missing the
chance of a lifetime.

These are the fastest dancing
feet in the furnace business.

Come on, let's dance.

Florida, honey?

- Wittnauer: Come on, Florida.
- Florida: But, Wittnauer...

Wittnauer: Oh, come on now.

Florida: I feel funny
doing anything like this

in the dining room.

Wittnauer: Come on,
let's try it in the living room.

Florida: Little
devil, you. Okay.

But we got to stay on the
rug, I just polished the floor.

(music playing)

Don't tell me you're
getting tired already.

What the hell are you
supposed to be doing?

Henry, what you doing here?

Don't you ask me no questions.

- Oh, brother.
- Yeah, you call
your brother

because you're
gonna need some help.

Oh, no.

Yeah, I'm gonna wait
but while I'm waiting

I'm gonna punch
you out four ways,

high, low, hard and repeatedly.

Henry.

Hold on. Before you
engage in the act of violence,

may I say one word?

- What?
- Bye.

If I was gonna carry
on with another man,

would I call you to come
over here and catch me?

Yeah, that's right, Florida.

I never thought of it that way.

Henry.

That make you
unfaithful and dumb,

a combination I don't need.

Henry?

Like the man said, "Bye."

Bacon, bacon, ah, here it is.

Here. I knew I had seen it.

Right here under
the Nyack Food Fair:

"I Am An American
Day" bacon special.

One eighty-nine a pound.

That's no big deal, Maude.

It was only a dollar eighty-five
at the Dobbs Ferry Bohacks.

Well, four cents is four cents,
we'll drive to Dobbs Ferry.

During which we'll spend
a dollar more in gasoline.

Oh, no, we'll still save money.

The gas is on
Walter's credit card.

Good morning, Mother.

- Good morning, honey.
- Oh, good morning, dear.

Oh, it's freezing. Where are
we gonna get some heat in here?

Oh, come on, stop
complaining, Carol.

Think of the millions of
people starving in India.

When I complain, that's what
my mother used to say to me.

Then she hit me.

- Oh.
- Good morning.

Good morning, Florida.

I think something tells
me this isn't the day

to ask her to do the windows.

Florida, something wrong?

What makes you say that?

You're very late getting here.

You seem very upset and
you're plucking that duster

as if you're about
to fricassee it.

He loves me not.

There's nothing
wrong, Mrs. Findlay.

Everything is fine.

This hunky dory couldn't
be better and it's all your fault.

My fault? Why?

You left me alone with that
man and I begged you not to.

Oh, Florida.

Now my Henry has left me.

He didn't come home last night.

- Florida?
- Oh, you poor thing.

There is no telling what
lengths you wouldn't go to

to get me to live-in.

Florida.

My 24th wedding
anniversary present

is gonna be a divorce.

Oh, come on. Now, Florida,

stop jumping to conclusions.

I mean, people don't
get divorced everyday.

Didn't they, girls?

I wish I hadn't said that.

How could I have done
such a terrible thing?

Oh, come on. Florida,

you are not capable
of doing a terrible thing.

Now tell me, what was
the terrible thing you did?

I was alone with Wittnauer
and he started messing with me

and that's when
my Henry walked in.

I thought he was gonna kill him.

Florida, exactly, what is the
technical meaning of messing?

Oh, well, Maude, I think
what she means is...

Vivian, we know your
technical meaning.

But we were just dancing

but to Henry's way of thinking,

my dancing with that man
is just a vertical expression

of a horizontal intention.

Florida, that attitude
is outrageous.

How dare he jump
to that conclusion?

I'll tell you how dare he.

I love my Henry but last night,

that Wittnauer
really turned me on.

All of a sudden, he
had me feeling so young,

I wasn't old enough
to know better.

Florida, you can
stop hating yourself.

Honey, what happened to
you happens to any woman

when a handsome younger
man finds her attractive.

I mean, it happens
to me all the time.

And to me as well.

So you did nothing wrong.

Well, I don't know.

I ain't never been
divorced like you ladies.

That's right.

We all have been
divorced, haven't we?

Some of us more
divorced than others.

Vivian, aren't they expecting
you at the bacon counter

at Bohacks?

Now, come on, Florida.

What happened to you is
part of a woman's nature.

I mean, it's something
that happens in the genes.

Jeans, Levi's, I
know the location.

And so does Henry
and that's the problem.

I threw away 23 years
of happy marriage

for 23 seconds of
the funky chicken.

Well, now, if it ain't
the lovely lady herself.

Don't you "lovely lady" me.

Hey, hold on, baby.

It ain't my fault your old
man showed up uninvited

in the middle
of the festivities.

Didn't I tell you I was married?

Yeah. But you didn't tell
me you were that married.

I mean, you got a
highly serious husband.

Mr. Fulton, I just hope for
your sake you ain't a bleeder.

Oh, Florida, we decided that
you have a couple of alternatives.

And I've just
decided you got one.

Either that furnace
fixer goes or I do.

Florida, do you mean
that after what happened

last night, that man
has the nerve to step foot

in this house
again? I'll handle this.

- Wittnauer?
- Yes, Mrs. Findlay, ma'am?

Now look, don't do pull that
Uncle Tom routine on me again.

Oh, that's not my Uncle
Tom, that's my Stepin Fetchit.

My Uncle Tom is
much more convincing.

Well, I want both of you
out of the house immediately.

Well, now, I hardly think
that's the proper way

to treat a member of a
powerful minority group.

Now look, this has nothing
to do with you being black.

Oh, I wasn't talking
about that minority.

I was talking about the
plumber's local number 403.

Out, Wittnauer, out!

Well, we made it.

You oughta try jogging, Maude.

It's good for the lungs.

Arthur, do me a favor.

Take your lungs and blow.

It was nice knowing you,
Mr. Findlay. Goodbye.

Wait a minute,
where are you going?

That man is no longer
welcome in this house, Walter.

I just fired him.

Are you crazy?

The furnace is all torn apart.

Repairmen are booked
weeks in advance.

You stay right here, Mr. Fulton.

Walter, you and I were no
sooner out of this house last night

when that man was on the
high road to seducing Florida.

Well, I wasn't exactly
on the high road,

it was more like
being on the onramp.

Look, get the hell downstairs

and finish that job.

Please?

Well, I'm glad my hot water
heating system is okay.

Those fellows have your
right by the valves, don't they?

Congratulations, Walter.

You have just driven
Florida out of the house.

Because Wittnauer
made a little pass?

Come on, Maude.

Florida has got
more sense than that.

Florida, you're not really
considering leaving, are you?

No. I'm not considering
it, I'm doing it.

Look, you stay right
where you are, Florida.

I am going to get rid
of this home wrecker.

Wittnauer?

Maude, that home wrecker

is putting our furnace together.

We need heat.

We need Florida more.

- (doorbell rings)
- Now, well, Wittnauer,

I do not care what
Mr. Findlay has said to you.

I want you out of this
house immediately

and I mean this very minute.

- But I thought you...
- It's just Henry.

Oh, quick, down in the basement.

Henry.

Florida, I wanna
talk to you in private.

Florida. After the way
that man treated you,

you're not going with him
until he begs your forgiveness.

Her forgiveness?

I'm waiting for her to
beg my forgiveness.

You are what? You
expect her to stand here

in front of all these people
and beg your forgiveness?

Just what I said, woman.

Oh, she's done nothing wrong.

She has nothing
to be ashamed of.

And she will die before
she begs your forgiveness

and humbles herself.
Isn't that right, Florida?

Henry, I'm begging
your forgiveness.

Florida?

Shut up, Maude.
I'm humbling myself.

But Florida, you
did nothing wrong.

All you did was admit a
harmless little flirtation.

Mrs. Findlay, would
you kindly butt out?

Right on, Henry.

It's definitely Henry.

I want you to meet
Mrs. Cavender.

- Oh, how are you?
- Dr. Harmon.

- Nice day.
- And you know Carol,
of course.

What do you
think? This is a party

at the White House?

Now listen to me, Henry Evans.

What happened with
Florida is no different

than what happened
between me and John Capley.

Maude, if they want
your advice they'll...

What happened between
you and John Capley?

Look, Walter, we are
talking about Florida.

We are not talking
about a silly little kiss

in the kitchen at
the Hendersons.

Now listen to me both of you...

Mrs. Findlay, Henry
and I can take...

Just a minute, Florida.
You kissed John Capley?

Shame on you, Maude.

Oh. Come on, Arthur,
is that any different

than New Years Eve when
you had a few too many

and pinched me on the stairs?

It wasn't a pinch.

I'm just picking
a piece of confetti

off the back of your skirt.

Arthur we women
have had it up to here

with this ridiculous
double standard.

We certainly have. What
makes it okay for you guys

to sneak a pinch or a kiss?

Because it's so harmless.

We don't mean anything about it.

Well, neither do
we, do we, Maude?

Of course not. I mean,
it was just that John

looked so adorable
with that purple turtleneck

and a little Kiwanis medallion.

And he does have the
cutest little rear end.

Oh.

What? They notice everything.

Nothing is sacred, Walter.

That's right, Arthur.

We women have
urges and feelings too.

Yes. But your urges are
for sewing and cooking

and making the home for
the men folk, right, Maude?

You should live so long, Arthur.

Come on, Maude. Everybody knows

that women don't have
the same sex drive as men.

Right, Viv? Right, Carol?

Both: You should
live so long, Walter.

Well, you men are all alike.

You think any time
you have a feeling,

it's something special.

Let a woman have
exactly the same feeling

and it's suddenly tainted.

You're damn right it's tainted.

How come you kissed
John Capley in the kitchen?

Walter, I told you
it was nothing.

If you ever kissed him
you'd find out for yourself.

You can't argue
with women, Walter.

They're more emotional
then men and therefore,

they're more unstable.

I mean, take the witches
at Salem, as if they're...

What?

(laughing)

Well, listen to them
folks and their arguing,

just discovering that men and
women have the same urges, huh?

Well, they're all
new around here.

Us primitive folks
have been knowing

that we both have
the same urges.

(laughing)

Yeah. But, you know,
when you're married,

you're supposed to
control those urges.

Well, that's why I
apologized to you.

I fell asleep at the controls.

Hey, speaking of
an primitive urges.

But I'll say one
thing for ol' Wittnauer,

he sure got good taste.

(screaming)

Did you have a nice
day off with Henry?

Uh-hmm. Like fine wine.

Hey, it's nice and warm in here.

We were very lucky, Florida.

I managed to find another
man to fix the furnace.

I hope he's not as
handsome as Wittnauer.

This one is so handsome.

He makes Wittnauer
look like a dog's lunch.

Hello, Florida.

(theme music playing)

Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Right on ♪