Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 7 - Maude Takes a Job - full transcript
Walter does not like it when Maude takes a job in real estate.
(music playing)
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ And you're glad
she showed up ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That old compromisin',
enterprisin' anything ♪
♪ But tranquilizing,
right on Maude. ♪
Now, wait a minute, Florida,
what do you mean she's out?
Will you stop yelling
at me, Mr. Findlay?
I'm not yelling.
And if I am yelling, I'm sorry.
I mean, believe me, I... the
last thing in the world I want
is to make you mad at me.
Well, if that's the
last thing you want
then you ain't got
nothing to look forward to
because you have
just reached your goal.
Well, I'm sick and
tired of coming home
and never finding Maude here.
Because you... what about
phone call or message,
she must have said
something to you, Florida.
To the best of my recollection,
she ain't told me nothing,
and anything I might
add would be hearsay.
Now what kind of
an answer is that?
Well, I figured if it'll
work for Watergate,
it'll work for me.
Anyway, don't go blaming me,
I didn't give Mrs. Findlay
no real estate license.
Well, neither did I.
For the last three weeks
she's never been home,
she's always out trying to
sell a house some place.
What's that?
That is your dinner
that Mrs. Findlay prepared
with her own two hands,
green noodle surprise.
Green noodle
surprise, it smells awful.
Yeah, but it smells
better than it tastes.
That's the surprise part.
Florida, I've had
the world's worst day
and I need a woman,
a woman who could give
me comfort and affection
and some tender, loving, care.
Well, whoopty doo.
Florida, I can serve myself.
- Go get your bus.
- Oh, great.
And if I hurry,
I can still catch the
day working section
of the Ghetto Flyer.
Green noodle surprise.
Ow.
Man may work from sun to sun
but woman's work is never done.
Arthur, go away.
What did you do, burn myself?
No, I didn't burn myself.
I always butter my
finger before dinner.
You shouldn't put
butter on a burn.
That needs a doctor's attention.
All gone.
Stick around, Arthur, in
case I back into the stove.
Good heavens.
What is that glob?
My dinner.
No, really? Are
you sure, Walter?
I swear, I saw a science
fiction movie last night
and that very stuff was
taken over the Earth.
MAUDE: Walter, honey, I'm home.
Walter, wait.
For heaven's
sake, fix your hair.
She didn't wanna come
home to a household drudge.
Knock it off, Arthur.
Walter, Walter, Walter,
I think I have sold
my first house.
Yay.
The Caplins seem like
truly motivated buyers
because I won't really
know until tomorrow.
But Walter, if I
sell this house,
I make $932 in commission.
If this keeps up, we can
move into a bigger place.
I'll sell it to you.
Congratulations,
Maude, 932 bucks,
that's not bad for a woman.
Listen, Arthur, for
your information,
women are holding their own
with men in every profession.
This, in spite of the fact
that the only encouragement
you've given us
is in the world's
oldest profession.
Which incidentally, Arthur,
you couldn't make a nickel at.
Really?
I could have been a
midnight cowboy, you know.
I just don't like to
stay up that late.
♪ Everybody's talking at me ♪
Forget about Arthur and
let me have my dinner.
Hey, are you upset
about something?
Upset?
Do I look like a
man who's upset?
Oh, come on now, Walter,
with that look on your face,
you're either upset or you're
suffering a massive attack
of trapped gas bubbles.
You had a bad day,
didn't you, dear?
Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry.
I've been so busy
talking about my day
I didn't even think to
ask you about yours.
Sweetheart, how was your day?
- Well...
- You know,
the first house I
showed the Caplins...
Well, this is so embarrassing.
We were in the bathroom
and I flushed the John,
you know, to show
them that it worked,
and it worked,
and it worked, and it worked,
and it worked, and it worked,
and all I could
think of to say was,
"My, aren't we lucky?
My cup runneth over."
You were saying?
Not now, Walter, I'm
expecting the Bungays.
( doorbell rings)
That must be them.
Oh, Walter, Walter,
I'm showing them
the Connelly house
down the block.
Coming.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Bungay,
how terribly sweet of
you to meet me here
instead of down at the office
but this absolute dream
of a house I'm showing you
is right around the corner.
Glad to do it, little lady.
Anything to get out of Newark.
Oh, I know.
Come in.
Oh, this house is adorable.
Look, Howard, don't you
just love that staircase?
Well, yeah.
Hey.
Hey, look, look,
they don't build staircases
like these anymore.
No, they don't.
I was so lucky it
came with the stairs.
I just love this place.
I don't suppose, Mrs. Findlay,
that this house is for sale?
Oh, well, as we in the trade
always say, Mrs. Bungay,
any house is for
sale at the right price.
Mrs. Findlay, I'm in meat,
believe me, I've
got the right price.
Look at the dining room, Howard.
(phone rings)
Oh, well, will you
excuse me, please.
Hello?
No, this is not Mr. Findlay,
this is Mrs. Findlay.
Yeah, yeah, thank you.
You have a clarion voice too.
The Tudor house on Simmons?
Let's look at the
kitchen, Howard.
Oh, Mrs. Bungay, wait.
Oh, don't bother getting up,
we're just looking.
Go right on eating.
Howard, I just
adore this kitchen.
HOWARD: Yeah, they don't
make kitchens like this anymore.
How much is Ms. Findlay
asking for this house?
This house is not for sale.
Oh, but we thought...
If you wanna buy something,
how would like to buy this?
Oh, Walter, that's no way
to invite people to dinner.
I'm terribly sorry.
Mrs. Findlay, he's got a lot
to learn about being a host.
Oh, I'm very sorry.
No, Maude, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry you ever got
your real estate license...
Get them out!
Look, I'm going to show
you the Connelly house,
you'll love it.
I wanna thank you
for your help, Walter.
And just so that you
don't think I'm ungrateful,
from now on,
darling, your love life
is going to be about as exciting as
a rerun of The Donna Reed Show.
Well, why don't you go wait in
the car and I'll be there in a minute.
Oh, and please
excuse my husband,
we think it's a
calcium deficiency.
See you in just a minute.
We'll wait in the
car, Mrs. Findlay.
Congratulations, Walter,
if you wanted this
to be the single
most humiliating
moment of my life,
you succeeded.
Have you gone
completely bananas?
Trying to sell this house?
Oh, come on, Walter,
you know darn well
I have no intention
of selling this house.
It was just a sales ploy.
And believe me, after
a hard day at the office,
I don't have to
come home to this.
I come home three
nights this week
and I got nobody to
listen to but myself.
You must get a lot
of sleep that way.
Walter, how about me?
When you work late at
the office and I am alone,
do I complain?
Everybody expects
a man to work late.
That happens.
Ah, that's man's work, isn't it?
- That's right.
- Yes.
And the other
things, the cooking,
and the sewing,
and the cleaning,
- that's woman's work, right?
- Yes.
Walter, I want more than that.
I need more than that.
Maude Findlay, Walter, who
never accomplished anything
in the outside world
that she could be proud of
has won her real estate license.
You also got a
marriage license, Maude.
I know, Walter
and so the 300 girls in Kentucky
who are nine years old.
( horn honks)
Will you please do
me a favor, Walter,
and get off my butt.
Hi kids, be out in a sec.
- I don't have time to discuss this
now - Come over here and sit down.
- because I have to
go down with the Bungay.
- I want you to sit down.
- But believe me, Walter, I am
not taking this lying down.
- Maude, would you please sit?
Maude... Sit!
There, you see
what you just made?
You made a lap.
Now, let me show
you something, Maude.
When I've had a
horrible day at the store
and I come home at night,
my head needs this lap.
Oh, Walter.
Walter, I know you have needs
but I have needs too.
Walter, my... My real estate
license says Maude Findlay,
it doesn't say Mrs.
Walter Findlay.
Walter, the State of New York
has actually recognized
me as a human being.
( horn honking)
And those people out there
recognize me as a human being.
- Excuse me.
- Hey.
I'm sorry, I have to
take my lap with me.
I know that you
have needs, Maude,
but I have a few needs too,
and as your husband,
I also have a few rights.
Ah, it's finally coming
out, isn't it, Walter?
Lighting up the sky
with a huge sign,
this world, for men only.
Maude, listen.
I'm a man 50 years old
with a certain
pattern to his life,
living with a woman
who fits into that pattern
and if you wanna
change that pattern,
you better tell me
and tell me right now
because it's the
Bungays or me, period.
( horn honking)
Oh, Walter.
You know there's no choosing
between you and the Bungays.
Walter, I love you.
You're my life, Walter.
I'd be nothing without you.
And darling, I'm
gonna prove it to you
just as soon as I finish showing
that house to the Bungays.
Carol.
Carol!
Carol, how many times
do I have you call you?
Mother, what do you want?
It's 2:00 in the morning.
Carol, when you were
baby, I never complained
when you used to wake
me up for your 2:00 feeding,
the 4:00 feeding, and your 6:00,
- 8:00.
- All right.
Even Mark Spitz
can't drink that much.
Okay. So now, you're being...
It's 2:00 in the morning,
Walter is not here,
he hasn't phoned,
there's no message,
I have to talk to somebody.
Oh, maybe he's with Arthur?
No, I phoned Arthur and
he hasn't seen him all night.
There's something else, Carol.
I went through Walter's
closet and that...
that dark brown double
breasted sports jacket is missing,
the one that makes him
look like Cesar Romero
when I've been drinking.
Carol, how can you
sleep at a time like this?
With your voice, it isn't easy.
Look, Mother, I'm
sure Walter is all right.
- How long has he been gone?
- Five and a half hours, Carol.
Since I left with the Bungays.
- Who are you calling?
- I'm gonna call the police
and report him missing.
I'm using that special
emergency number
they tell you to use when
you need help in a hurry.
Busy.
Who the hell could
they be calling?
Operator, would you
get me the police, please?
Oh, Carol, Walter's
just got be all right.
Hello?
Yes, hello, officer, I'd like
to report a missing person.
My number? 555-9060.
Walter Findlay.
D, with a D, yeah.
Fifty, five-ten and a half,
dark brown eyes,
and a small bald spot
that's only noticeable
from the top of the stairs.
No, this is not his
boyfriend, this is his wife.
Carol, this is the first time
that Walter has ever
done anything like this.
He could be lying somewhere
in a gutter or worse.
Mother, look, there must
be some explanation.
- Now, didn't Walter
say anything...
- Nothing, nothing.
He said nothing, Carol.
Oh, he did say something.
How did he put it?
I don't know, Something
about it's either my job or him.
What?
Mother, that's an
ultimatum, that's blackmail.
Who cares about that?
What difference does it make?
The man is missing, Carol?
Who cares what he said,
who cares where he's been?
Oh, dear God, just
bring him home.
Where the hell have you been?
Out.
Good morning, Carol.
Walter, do me a favor,
the next time you
run away from home,
do it at a decent hour.
Walter, I asked you a
question, where have you been?
- And I told you, out.
- Out?
What kind of an answer is that?
It's very simple, Maude.
From now on, when I come
home and you're not here,
then I go out.
Walter, am I hearing right?
Are you trying to blackmail
me into quitting my job?
Yes.
Yes? That's a... that's a
worse answer than, than out.
Oh, darling, Walter, let's
compromise, let's compromise.
I'll tell you, I promise not
to work so many nights
and not to work
so many weekends.
Nights and weekends.
Maude, when do real estate
people do most of their business?
Nights and weekends.
Oh, sweetheart.
Sweetheart, whatever
happened to the strength
of our relationship, Walter?
My love for you and your
marvelous readiness to give in?
You know, that's the quality
you must never lose, Walter.
I'm tired, Maude.
Walter, why must I be
the one to always give in?
Maude, I tried it your
way but I just can't hack it.
I'm an old fashioned man
who needs an old
fashioned marriage,
and that's the
way it's got to be.
All right. All right.
All right, all right, all
right, Walter, you win.
I'll quit my job.
Maude, you mean that?
Yes, Walter.
I'll do what women have
done down through history.
I'll surrender to
save my marriage.
But why? I don't know,
Walter, because right now,
I hate that marriage more
than anything I can think of.
But don't worry, Walter,
I'll try to be the perfect wife.
I'll be here every
afternoon at 5:00
to make a lap for your head.
I do have one favor
though, sweetheart,
if you'll let me out of the
house just one more day,
I'd like to have my feet bound.
Maude.
Kung Fu, Walter.
Glad to see you so cheery
this morning, mother.
Deliriously happy.
Well, laughing hysterically except I
read somewhere, it gives you wrinkles.
I'm late. I've got
to get to work.
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
I said I got to get to work.
You had to rub
it in, didn't you?
Young, attractive daughter
goes off to fascinating job
while old, used up
housewife stays at home
waiting for Tarzan
to come downstairs
to have his loincloth pressed.
Oh, take advantage
of these years, Carol.
Oh, good morning, Maude.
Good morning, my darling.
About last night.
Oh, sweetheart,
not another word,
you old poopy-doo.
Come, sweetheart,
sit down while the perfect
wife serves the perfect breakfast
to the perfect husband.
Oh, a man can't ask
anything more than that.
Your glass of sunshine tree.
Here, your favorite omelet
and the bacon done to a
munchy crunchy crispness
just the way you love it.
Raisin toast, lightly buttered.
Oh, and sweetheart,
incidentally, before you go,
I want to warm your coat.
Poopy-doo.
Can I have some marmalade?
But of course, my darling.
You know, Maude, I felt
a little bad about last night
especially after
we went upstairs
and you wanted to sleep
at the foot of the bed.
I was actually gonna come
down here this morning
and suggest that you work a
couple of hours a week at the store.
I could always find
something to keep you busy.
Something to keep
me busy, Walter?
You silly billy.
You know I have more than
enough work to do right here.
That's right.
By the way, sweetheart, I
made a list of some things
that I thought you might
like me to do for you today.
Let's see, pick up your suits
and jacket from the cleaners.
- Uh-hmm.
- Get a new nozzle
for your Waterpik.
The kitchen chairs?
The kitchen chairs.
Of course, you've been after
me for six weeks to paint them.
I already bought the paint.
And if you could find time,
I'd like you to take my brown
shoes to the shoemaker.
Oh, of course, darling.
And after that,
I'll clean the mud
off your golf clubs.
Well, you don't have to overdo.
And then fix the
fly on your jumpsuit.
Well, you don't have
to paint the chairs.
Oh, don't be
ridiculous, darling.
No amount of work is
too much for a woman
when it comes to
her capital M-A-N.
You don't have to
paint the chairs now.
You want me to paint
the chairs now, Walter,
your ever wish is my command.
Maude!
It's a hundred dollar jacket!
And $40 slacks.
My English shoes!
And your French tie,
and your Swiss watch,
and your American mouth.
Maude!
( phone ringing)
( ringing continues)
( ringing continues)
Hello.
Oh, Mr. Curtis.
Oh, no, no, I'm
very glad you called.
Yes, I...
There's something
I wanted to tell you.
The Caplins are
buying the house?
Walter, the Caplins are...
Oh, yes, yes, Mr. Curtis,
it's very exciting to have
made my first commission.
You have a hot prospect?
Oh, no, I'm...
I'm sorry,
Mr. Curtis but I can't.
No, not today.
And not tomorrow either.
No, you see...
Mr. Curtis, I'm quitting my job.
I'm retiring.
You see... my husband and I
came to a decision.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, Mr. Curtis, it's the happiest
decision I've ever made in my life.
No, I'd be laughing hysterically
only I hear it
gives you wrinkles.
Oh, Mr. Curtis,
would you send me
my business cards?
Yeah, the ones with
my own name on them,
Maude Findlay.
Yeah, in case I
ever get amnesia,
I'll know who I am.
Yes.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Curtis.
Thank you for giving
me this chance.
Yeah.
Thank you too for wanting me.
All right, Maude, call 'em back.
Call 'em back.
I don't understand.
Neither do I.
You mean you want me to work?
No, I don't want you to work
but watching you on
the phone just now,
I just remembered
something I learned at school.
I forget exactly how it
went but the idea was...
a person's happy only when he's
doing his own thing and doing it well.
And I guess that goes as...
much for women
as it does for men.
Walter.
Walter, Walter, I promise you
will never be sorry I'm working.
And Walter, now that we
have finally faced this problem,
it's behind us.
That's right, Maude,
it's behind us.
And ahead of us.
The left of us.
To the right of us.
- All over us.
- Around the corner from us.
Florida, here she
comes, here she comes.
Walter, you get
right up from there.
That is not funny.
Maude, let me explain.
Later.
Florida, I had the
most terrible day.
(music playing)
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on Maude ♪
♪ Right on Maude. ♪
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ And you're glad
she showed up ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That old compromisin',
enterprisin' anything ♪
♪ But tranquilizing,
right on Maude. ♪
Now, wait a minute, Florida,
what do you mean she's out?
Will you stop yelling
at me, Mr. Findlay?
I'm not yelling.
And if I am yelling, I'm sorry.
I mean, believe me, I... the
last thing in the world I want
is to make you mad at me.
Well, if that's the
last thing you want
then you ain't got
nothing to look forward to
because you have
just reached your goal.
Well, I'm sick and
tired of coming home
and never finding Maude here.
Because you... what about
phone call or message,
she must have said
something to you, Florida.
To the best of my recollection,
she ain't told me nothing,
and anything I might
add would be hearsay.
Now what kind of
an answer is that?
Well, I figured if it'll
work for Watergate,
it'll work for me.
Anyway, don't go blaming me,
I didn't give Mrs. Findlay
no real estate license.
Well, neither did I.
For the last three weeks
she's never been home,
she's always out trying to
sell a house some place.
What's that?
That is your dinner
that Mrs. Findlay prepared
with her own two hands,
green noodle surprise.
Green noodle
surprise, it smells awful.
Yeah, but it smells
better than it tastes.
That's the surprise part.
Florida, I've had
the world's worst day
and I need a woman,
a woman who could give
me comfort and affection
and some tender, loving, care.
Well, whoopty doo.
Florida, I can serve myself.
- Go get your bus.
- Oh, great.
And if I hurry,
I can still catch the
day working section
of the Ghetto Flyer.
Green noodle surprise.
Ow.
Man may work from sun to sun
but woman's work is never done.
Arthur, go away.
What did you do, burn myself?
No, I didn't burn myself.
I always butter my
finger before dinner.
You shouldn't put
butter on a burn.
That needs a doctor's attention.
All gone.
Stick around, Arthur, in
case I back into the stove.
Good heavens.
What is that glob?
My dinner.
No, really? Are
you sure, Walter?
I swear, I saw a science
fiction movie last night
and that very stuff was
taken over the Earth.
MAUDE: Walter, honey, I'm home.
Walter, wait.
For heaven's
sake, fix your hair.
She didn't wanna come
home to a household drudge.
Knock it off, Arthur.
Walter, Walter, Walter,
I think I have sold
my first house.
Yay.
The Caplins seem like
truly motivated buyers
because I won't really
know until tomorrow.
But Walter, if I
sell this house,
I make $932 in commission.
If this keeps up, we can
move into a bigger place.
I'll sell it to you.
Congratulations,
Maude, 932 bucks,
that's not bad for a woman.
Listen, Arthur, for
your information,
women are holding their own
with men in every profession.
This, in spite of the fact
that the only encouragement
you've given us
is in the world's
oldest profession.
Which incidentally, Arthur,
you couldn't make a nickel at.
Really?
I could have been a
midnight cowboy, you know.
I just don't like to
stay up that late.
♪ Everybody's talking at me ♪
Forget about Arthur and
let me have my dinner.
Hey, are you upset
about something?
Upset?
Do I look like a
man who's upset?
Oh, come on now, Walter,
with that look on your face,
you're either upset or you're
suffering a massive attack
of trapped gas bubbles.
You had a bad day,
didn't you, dear?
Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry.
I've been so busy
talking about my day
I didn't even think to
ask you about yours.
Sweetheart, how was your day?
- Well...
- You know,
the first house I
showed the Caplins...
Well, this is so embarrassing.
We were in the bathroom
and I flushed the John,
you know, to show
them that it worked,
and it worked,
and it worked, and it worked,
and it worked, and it worked,
and all I could
think of to say was,
"My, aren't we lucky?
My cup runneth over."
You were saying?
Not now, Walter, I'm
expecting the Bungays.
( doorbell rings)
That must be them.
Oh, Walter, Walter,
I'm showing them
the Connelly house
down the block.
Coming.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Bungay,
how terribly sweet of
you to meet me here
instead of down at the office
but this absolute dream
of a house I'm showing you
is right around the corner.
Glad to do it, little lady.
Anything to get out of Newark.
Oh, I know.
Come in.
Oh, this house is adorable.
Look, Howard, don't you
just love that staircase?
Well, yeah.
Hey.
Hey, look, look,
they don't build staircases
like these anymore.
No, they don't.
I was so lucky it
came with the stairs.
I just love this place.
I don't suppose, Mrs. Findlay,
that this house is for sale?
Oh, well, as we in the trade
always say, Mrs. Bungay,
any house is for
sale at the right price.
Mrs. Findlay, I'm in meat,
believe me, I've
got the right price.
Look at the dining room, Howard.
(phone rings)
Oh, well, will you
excuse me, please.
Hello?
No, this is not Mr. Findlay,
this is Mrs. Findlay.
Yeah, yeah, thank you.
You have a clarion voice too.
The Tudor house on Simmons?
Let's look at the
kitchen, Howard.
Oh, Mrs. Bungay, wait.
Oh, don't bother getting up,
we're just looking.
Go right on eating.
Howard, I just
adore this kitchen.
HOWARD: Yeah, they don't
make kitchens like this anymore.
How much is Ms. Findlay
asking for this house?
This house is not for sale.
Oh, but we thought...
If you wanna buy something,
how would like to buy this?
Oh, Walter, that's no way
to invite people to dinner.
I'm terribly sorry.
Mrs. Findlay, he's got a lot
to learn about being a host.
Oh, I'm very sorry.
No, Maude, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry you ever got
your real estate license...
Get them out!
Look, I'm going to show
you the Connelly house,
you'll love it.
I wanna thank you
for your help, Walter.
And just so that you
don't think I'm ungrateful,
from now on,
darling, your love life
is going to be about as exciting as
a rerun of The Donna Reed Show.
Well, why don't you go wait in
the car and I'll be there in a minute.
Oh, and please
excuse my husband,
we think it's a
calcium deficiency.
See you in just a minute.
We'll wait in the
car, Mrs. Findlay.
Congratulations, Walter,
if you wanted this
to be the single
most humiliating
moment of my life,
you succeeded.
Have you gone
completely bananas?
Trying to sell this house?
Oh, come on, Walter,
you know darn well
I have no intention
of selling this house.
It was just a sales ploy.
And believe me, after
a hard day at the office,
I don't have to
come home to this.
I come home three
nights this week
and I got nobody to
listen to but myself.
You must get a lot
of sleep that way.
Walter, how about me?
When you work late at
the office and I am alone,
do I complain?
Everybody expects
a man to work late.
That happens.
Ah, that's man's work, isn't it?
- That's right.
- Yes.
And the other
things, the cooking,
and the sewing,
and the cleaning,
- that's woman's work, right?
- Yes.
Walter, I want more than that.
I need more than that.
Maude Findlay, Walter, who
never accomplished anything
in the outside world
that she could be proud of
has won her real estate license.
You also got a
marriage license, Maude.
I know, Walter
and so the 300 girls in Kentucky
who are nine years old.
( horn honks)
Will you please do
me a favor, Walter,
and get off my butt.
Hi kids, be out in a sec.
- I don't have time to discuss this
now - Come over here and sit down.
- because I have to
go down with the Bungay.
- I want you to sit down.
- But believe me, Walter, I am
not taking this lying down.
- Maude, would you please sit?
Maude... Sit!
There, you see
what you just made?
You made a lap.
Now, let me show
you something, Maude.
When I've had a
horrible day at the store
and I come home at night,
my head needs this lap.
Oh, Walter.
Walter, I know you have needs
but I have needs too.
Walter, my... My real estate
license says Maude Findlay,
it doesn't say Mrs.
Walter Findlay.
Walter, the State of New York
has actually recognized
me as a human being.
( horn honking)
And those people out there
recognize me as a human being.
- Excuse me.
- Hey.
I'm sorry, I have to
take my lap with me.
I know that you
have needs, Maude,
but I have a few needs too,
and as your husband,
I also have a few rights.
Ah, it's finally coming
out, isn't it, Walter?
Lighting up the sky
with a huge sign,
this world, for men only.
Maude, listen.
I'm a man 50 years old
with a certain
pattern to his life,
living with a woman
who fits into that pattern
and if you wanna
change that pattern,
you better tell me
and tell me right now
because it's the
Bungays or me, period.
( horn honking)
Oh, Walter.
You know there's no choosing
between you and the Bungays.
Walter, I love you.
You're my life, Walter.
I'd be nothing without you.
And darling, I'm
gonna prove it to you
just as soon as I finish showing
that house to the Bungays.
Carol.
Carol!
Carol, how many times
do I have you call you?
Mother, what do you want?
It's 2:00 in the morning.
Carol, when you were
baby, I never complained
when you used to wake
me up for your 2:00 feeding,
the 4:00 feeding, and your 6:00,
- 8:00.
- All right.
Even Mark Spitz
can't drink that much.
Okay. So now, you're being...
It's 2:00 in the morning,
Walter is not here,
he hasn't phoned,
there's no message,
I have to talk to somebody.
Oh, maybe he's with Arthur?
No, I phoned Arthur and
he hasn't seen him all night.
There's something else, Carol.
I went through Walter's
closet and that...
that dark brown double
breasted sports jacket is missing,
the one that makes him
look like Cesar Romero
when I've been drinking.
Carol, how can you
sleep at a time like this?
With your voice, it isn't easy.
Look, Mother, I'm
sure Walter is all right.
- How long has he been gone?
- Five and a half hours, Carol.
Since I left with the Bungays.
- Who are you calling?
- I'm gonna call the police
and report him missing.
I'm using that special
emergency number
they tell you to use when
you need help in a hurry.
Busy.
Who the hell could
they be calling?
Operator, would you
get me the police, please?
Oh, Carol, Walter's
just got be all right.
Hello?
Yes, hello, officer, I'd like
to report a missing person.
My number? 555-9060.
Walter Findlay.
D, with a D, yeah.
Fifty, five-ten and a half,
dark brown eyes,
and a small bald spot
that's only noticeable
from the top of the stairs.
No, this is not his
boyfriend, this is his wife.
Carol, this is the first time
that Walter has ever
done anything like this.
He could be lying somewhere
in a gutter or worse.
Mother, look, there must
be some explanation.
- Now, didn't Walter
say anything...
- Nothing, nothing.
He said nothing, Carol.
Oh, he did say something.
How did he put it?
I don't know, Something
about it's either my job or him.
What?
Mother, that's an
ultimatum, that's blackmail.
Who cares about that?
What difference does it make?
The man is missing, Carol?
Who cares what he said,
who cares where he's been?
Oh, dear God, just
bring him home.
Where the hell have you been?
Out.
Good morning, Carol.
Walter, do me a favor,
the next time you
run away from home,
do it at a decent hour.
Walter, I asked you a
question, where have you been?
- And I told you, out.
- Out?
What kind of an answer is that?
It's very simple, Maude.
From now on, when I come
home and you're not here,
then I go out.
Walter, am I hearing right?
Are you trying to blackmail
me into quitting my job?
Yes.
Yes? That's a... that's a
worse answer than, than out.
Oh, darling, Walter, let's
compromise, let's compromise.
I'll tell you, I promise not
to work so many nights
and not to work
so many weekends.
Nights and weekends.
Maude, when do real estate
people do most of their business?
Nights and weekends.
Oh, sweetheart.
Sweetheart, whatever
happened to the strength
of our relationship, Walter?
My love for you and your
marvelous readiness to give in?
You know, that's the quality
you must never lose, Walter.
I'm tired, Maude.
Walter, why must I be
the one to always give in?
Maude, I tried it your
way but I just can't hack it.
I'm an old fashioned man
who needs an old
fashioned marriage,
and that's the
way it's got to be.
All right. All right.
All right, all right, all
right, Walter, you win.
I'll quit my job.
Maude, you mean that?
Yes, Walter.
I'll do what women have
done down through history.
I'll surrender to
save my marriage.
But why? I don't know,
Walter, because right now,
I hate that marriage more
than anything I can think of.
But don't worry, Walter,
I'll try to be the perfect wife.
I'll be here every
afternoon at 5:00
to make a lap for your head.
I do have one favor
though, sweetheart,
if you'll let me out of the
house just one more day,
I'd like to have my feet bound.
Maude.
Kung Fu, Walter.
Glad to see you so cheery
this morning, mother.
Deliriously happy.
Well, laughing hysterically except I
read somewhere, it gives you wrinkles.
I'm late. I've got
to get to work.
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
I said I got to get to work.
You had to rub
it in, didn't you?
Young, attractive daughter
goes off to fascinating job
while old, used up
housewife stays at home
waiting for Tarzan
to come downstairs
to have his loincloth pressed.
Oh, take advantage
of these years, Carol.
Oh, good morning, Maude.
Good morning, my darling.
About last night.
Oh, sweetheart,
not another word,
you old poopy-doo.
Come, sweetheart,
sit down while the perfect
wife serves the perfect breakfast
to the perfect husband.
Oh, a man can't ask
anything more than that.
Your glass of sunshine tree.
Here, your favorite omelet
and the bacon done to a
munchy crunchy crispness
just the way you love it.
Raisin toast, lightly buttered.
Oh, and sweetheart,
incidentally, before you go,
I want to warm your coat.
Poopy-doo.
Can I have some marmalade?
But of course, my darling.
You know, Maude, I felt
a little bad about last night
especially after
we went upstairs
and you wanted to sleep
at the foot of the bed.
I was actually gonna come
down here this morning
and suggest that you work a
couple of hours a week at the store.
I could always find
something to keep you busy.
Something to keep
me busy, Walter?
You silly billy.
You know I have more than
enough work to do right here.
That's right.
By the way, sweetheart, I
made a list of some things
that I thought you might
like me to do for you today.
Let's see, pick up your suits
and jacket from the cleaners.
- Uh-hmm.
- Get a new nozzle
for your Waterpik.
The kitchen chairs?
The kitchen chairs.
Of course, you've been after
me for six weeks to paint them.
I already bought the paint.
And if you could find time,
I'd like you to take my brown
shoes to the shoemaker.
Oh, of course, darling.
And after that,
I'll clean the mud
off your golf clubs.
Well, you don't have to overdo.
And then fix the
fly on your jumpsuit.
Well, you don't have
to paint the chairs.
Oh, don't be
ridiculous, darling.
No amount of work is
too much for a woman
when it comes to
her capital M-A-N.
You don't have to
paint the chairs now.
You want me to paint
the chairs now, Walter,
your ever wish is my command.
Maude!
It's a hundred dollar jacket!
And $40 slacks.
My English shoes!
And your French tie,
and your Swiss watch,
and your American mouth.
Maude!
( phone ringing)
( ringing continues)
( ringing continues)
Hello.
Oh, Mr. Curtis.
Oh, no, no, I'm
very glad you called.
Yes, I...
There's something
I wanted to tell you.
The Caplins are
buying the house?
Walter, the Caplins are...
Oh, yes, yes, Mr. Curtis,
it's very exciting to have
made my first commission.
You have a hot prospect?
Oh, no, I'm...
I'm sorry,
Mr. Curtis but I can't.
No, not today.
And not tomorrow either.
No, you see...
Mr. Curtis, I'm quitting my job.
I'm retiring.
You see... my husband and I
came to a decision.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, Mr. Curtis, it's the happiest
decision I've ever made in my life.
No, I'd be laughing hysterically
only I hear it
gives you wrinkles.
Oh, Mr. Curtis,
would you send me
my business cards?
Yeah, the ones with
my own name on them,
Maude Findlay.
Yeah, in case I
ever get amnesia,
I'll know who I am.
Yes.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Curtis.
Thank you for giving
me this chance.
Yeah.
Thank you too for wanting me.
All right, Maude, call 'em back.
Call 'em back.
I don't understand.
Neither do I.
You mean you want me to work?
No, I don't want you to work
but watching you on
the phone just now,
I just remembered
something I learned at school.
I forget exactly how it
went but the idea was...
a person's happy only when he's
doing his own thing and doing it well.
And I guess that goes as...
much for women
as it does for men.
Walter.
Walter, Walter, I promise you
will never be sorry I'm working.
And Walter, now that we
have finally faced this problem,
it's behind us.
That's right, Maude,
it's behind us.
And ahead of us.
The left of us.
To the right of us.
- All over us.
- Around the corner from us.
Florida, here she
comes, here she comes.
Walter, you get
right up from there.
That is not funny.
Maude, let me explain.
Later.
Florida, I had the
most terrible day.
(music playing)
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on Maude ♪
♪ Right on Maude. ♪