Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 5 - Maude's Facelift: Part 2 - full transcript
Since Vivian returned from a trip with a face life, now Maude wants one. She goes to Boston to have it done.
Well, what'd you decide?
What could I decide?
Walter is dying for
me to have a facelift.
Please stay tuned as
Maude gets a facelift.
And everyone knows
about it, but Walter.
(music playing)
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh yeah! ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranqulizin',
right on, Maude ♪
(TV playing)
(Carol) Phillip, Walter,
come on you guys.
Stop watching television.
Come on downstairs.
In a minute, Carol.
There's something very
important I want to do first.
You know, Phillip.
There's something very
important we can learn from
watching "Josie and the
Pussycats in Outer Space."
What's that, Grandpa?
Though they're
surrounded by Glogo
and the Canionians on one side,
and Rolo and the
Arcovians on the other side,
notice how neat their
clothes are at all times.
Maybe that's because they're the
only rock and roll band in outer space.
(clicks)
No, I think it's basically
because they don't want
their mothers to yell at them like
your mother yelled at you this morning.
Oh.
You see, Phillip, women,
especially mothers,
can't stand to see
anything halfway done.
They can't stand to see
shirt tails halfway out,
they can't to see socks
drooped halfway down,
and in your case this morning,
they can't stand to see your fly pulled
only halfway up, do you understand?
Yeah, like, it was a
big deal or something.
Well, women can't help
it, it's a sickness with them.
And there's a name for
it, it's called zipperphobia.
Gosh.
You're darned right.
Now, so won't get screamed
at by your mother anymore,
there's a couple of tricks of
the trade you should learn.
First of all, when
you walk into a room
and there's ladies present,
there's the old
thumb in the belt trick.
You nonchalantly hook your
thumb in your belt buckle,
leaving your pinky
free for one quick check.
Now, if you're
not wearing a belt,
the old shirt tail
tuck never fails.
Tuck, check.
You got me so far?
Yeah, but what do you
do when you find it's open?
Aha!
The first thing you
do is you don't panic.
You just casually turn
away from the women.
Now, I mean you make a slow
90 degree turn toward the wall,
always looking up and
saying something like
"Well, well, well."
A quick zip, and it'll be a
cover-up that'll make Watergate
look like nothing, okay?
But suppose you're
surrounded by women?
Then you pull it all the way
down, they'll turn to the wall,
and then you can zip it up.
Mr. Findlay. While,
I told Mrs. Findlay
I'd work half the days on
Saturday while she's out of town,
she didn't tell me nothing
about beds that couldn't be made
until after "Scooby-Doo
at the Movies."
Well, this is "Josie
and the Pussycats."
"I don't care if it's Bobby
Seale and the Panthers.
Now Carol wants you downstairs
and I got to clean up this room.
In a little while. I got to
go to the barber anyway.
But Carol wants
you downstairs now.
Look, I don't care what
Carol wants, Florida.
I'll go downstairs
when I want to.
Must I remind you that a
man's home is his castle?
Yes, I know your highness.
I'm going in to clean
your throne right now.
Vivian, where is my mother?
- What time is it?
- Oh, it's 20 after.
Giving her an hour and a half tops
from the airport, she ought to be here.
Oh, the chair, I
forgot the chair.
- The chair.
- Oh, oh, the chair.
- Isn't it exciting?
- It's exciting, exciting,
if I were any more excited, I'd have
to wrap myself in a box of pampers.
Look, we sit Walter right here.
He'll have a perfect view of
mother when she walks in the door.
Oh, he's going to be so excited
when he finds out mother got a facelift.
Oh, I remember when I
got my facelift, of course,
I didn't have a
husband to impress.
The only one waiting at home
for me was my goldfish, Edwin.
But then the goldfish
bowl was so dirty,
he really couldn't
see me very well.
Vivian, look, I know going
through a divorce is painful,
but you'll meet
other men, I have.
Life will be
brighter, believe me.
That's easy for
you to say, Carol,
you've got youth and
beauty, and a full-figure bra.
They wanted
$1,500 extra for that.
I better see what
Florida's up to.
She was supposed to have Walter
down here hours ago. I'll be right back.
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
send me a husband six-feet tall.
If you think it
works, make it two.
All right. Send me a
husband two-feet tall.
Florida.
You were supposed to
bring Walter downstairs.
Yeah, but that's "Fat
Albert and the Cosby Kids."
Walter, will you come
downstairs right now?
Okay. I got to be moving anyway.
- All right. Phillip.
- Yes, Mom.
You can over to Andy's
if you want, and Phillip...
Okay, okay. Mom.
Well, well, well.
What was that all about?
A historic moment, Carol.
One small zip for mankind.
I hope she hasn't
changed her face
- too much.
- Why, Florida?
I was just getting
used to the old one.
(Carol) She's here,
she's here, hurry up.
(Walter) Okay, okay. Now,
what's so important down here?
Walter, Walter, here, I want
you to sit down in this chair
and keep your eyes
on that front door.
But I got to get a haircut.
- Walter, just sit there.
- (doorbell rings)
- That's it, I'll get it.
- No wait, I'll get it.
Just sit down.
Oh, Walter, you are going to
love what's behind this door.
You are going to love it.
(clears throat)
♪ Here she is ♪
♪ Miss America ♪
Me?
Miss America?
I want to thank my
mommy and my daddy.
Arthur, get in. Get in.
Arthur, will you knock it off.
You ruined everything.
Me?
Arthur. If you're smart,
you won't enter the
swimsuit competition.
- Oh, where are you going?
- Don't leave.
Now, what's going on here?
Arthur, do you know?
I'm as much in the dark
as you were, Walter.
I didn't even know I was being
considered for Miss America.
Oh, stop it. Now, this
doesn't make any sense at all.
Oh, Walter, look, I'll tell you.
Mother isn't coming home
from Boston tomorrow,
she's coming home
today, it's a surprise.
She's coming home today?
- Yes.
- Good.
I'll be back from the
barber shop in 20 minutes.
No, no, Walter, she'll be...
Carol, you got to
make an appointment
with this guy a week in advance.
He's not only a
barber, he's a bookie,
he's got one chair
and twenty telephones.
Oh, shoot.
Mother's going to
be so disappointed.
Yeah, you may be
looking at a brand new face,
but you'll be hearing
the same old mouth.
Would somebody mind telling
me what's happening here?
Oh, Arthur, well you see,
this is a big surprise for Walter.
He doesn't know it yet, but
while Maude's been visiting
her mother in Boston
the last three weeks,
she's actually been
getting a facelift.
Maudie? Why would
Maudie get a facelift?
Oh, well. Probably
because I got one, Arthur,
and you know what
it did it for my morale.
No, what?
Oh, forget it, Arthur.
(car honking)
Oh, she's here, she's
getting out a cab. She's here.
Have you ever had a more
exciting moment in your life?
Yes.
(audience laughing)
Florida, Florida, come on.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Oh, this is going
to be the greatest
unveiling since Mount Rushmore.
You're dying to see it, right?
- Yes, yes.
- Come on.
Well, eat your
little hearts out.
(shouting)
You ready?
- (Carol) Yes.
- (Vivian) Yes.
(Arthur) Take it off.
(Carol) That's it.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Nobody sees it
before Walter does.
He'll take one look at me and
throw me right down on the couch.
Walter, where are
you, where is he hiding?
Walter?
Mother, he's not here.
Oh, come on Carol,
you're such a tease.
Walter, sweetheart.
Tinker Bell's home.
Mother, he's not here.
Oh, now what do you
take me for, Carol?
When I called you last night
and told you to keep him here,
I knew you'd do that.
Walter?
Come out, come
out wherever you are.
Olly, olly, oxen free.
Mother, he's not here.
And to think I married
Chester so you'd be legitimate.
My father was Barney.
Whoever.
Mother, I'm sorry.
He insisted on
getting a haircut,
I tried to keep him
here, I really did.
Oh, come on, Carol,
if you had really tried,
Walter would be standing
here now, nailed to the floor.
Now, Maude, she really did try.
Oh, I'm so disappointed.
I wanted Walter to be
the first to see the new me.
I better not cry, if
I get my face wet,
it might turn into Silly Putty.
Oh, Maude, now come
on, he'll be here in a minute.
I don't want to wait for him,
I want to see your face now.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I made myself a promise that
Walter would be the first one to see it.
Besides kids, it was a
very exciting experience,
don't you want to hear
about anything that
happened to me, don't
you have any questions?
I got a question, Miss Findlay,
tell us what it was
like at the hospital?
Oh, I'm glad you asked, it
was so funny at the hospital.
I roomed with two other women.
One, a 17 year old pre-debutante
who was having her nose fixed.
And the other was a
38-year-old fanny freak.
Fanny freak?
Yeah, she was having
her buttocks reduced.
Or as they called it in the
hospital, a keister correction.
You mean they
can lift that, too?
That's right, Florida.
If Maude had been really smart,
she'd have her facelift one day,
and then three days later
rounded it off with a fanny fix.
Think of the time you'd have
saved having that done, Arthur.
With you, it's the
same operation.
Where is Walter? He
doesn't have that much hair.
Maude, I cannot stand it,
I've got to see
your face, please.
All right. All right.
I'll show it to you first,
I was going to wait
and show Walter first,
but logically speaking,
I'll die if I don't
show it to somebody.
I can't even wait
to see me myself.
Oh, look, I'll be
down in a minute.
Oh, listen. I'll put
some music on here.
Oh, come on, honey,
don't be ridiculous,
don't you think
you're overdoing it?
The Mantovani album,
third song on the record.
Well, Arthur, it's obvious
you think we women
are pretty silly
with our facelifts.
No, no, no, no. Not really.
I remember telling my wife,
Agnes, about her female behavior.
Agnes, I said, if it
makes you happy,
you do what you think is best.
That was just before she died.
Coincidence, of course.
Mother, come on,
I've got the record.
- Are you ready?
- (Maude) Not yet.
- Come on, Mother, hurry.
- (Vivian) Will you hurry up?
How long do you
think we can wait?
What are you doing? Come on.
(Maude) Okay, I'm ready.
Okay. Wait up.
Quick, mother.
(Maude) Okay.
(music playing)
Well, well, well.
Oh, Maude.
Mrs. Findlay.
I know what you're all thinking.
I'm just another pretty face.
Mr. Findlay, please?
No, it's not the name of a
horse, he's getting a haircut.
Oh, okay. Thank you.
Walter left the barber shop 10 minutes
ago, he ought to be here any second.
Any second, any second.
All right, look, Carol,
you look out the window,
let me know the minute you
see him, and I'll stand over here
so I'll be in full view
when he walks in, oh, Lord
for contrast, I wish I had
my old face to stand next to.
Now, Maudie, calm down,
I know it's nerve-wracking,
waiting to show Walter your new face
that makes you look five years younger.
Six.
Six years younger.
That's what we
decided at the hospital.
Let see, at $1,800, that comes
to about 20 cents a wrinkle.
I hope he loves it.
Oh, you know
he's going to love it.
Of course he'll love it. Carol?
- Not yet.
- Not yet.
Oh, Carol, honey,
this is all your fault,
I come in looking
six years younger,
Walter's been gone so
long I've already aged a year.
I'm changing faster than Lon
Chaney during a full moon.
Maude, now, you really
mustn't do this to yourself.
Mother, will you calm down?
Walter's gonna love
the way you look.
The way I look, the
way I look, I look terrible.
Where's my lipstick?
Mother, your make up is
perfect, you look gorgeous.
Oh, get off my back, Carol.
Oh, look what you made me do.
Mother?
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I'm truly sorry if I'm kicking
at you, but, sweetheart,
if I'm behaving irrationally,
it's only because more than
anything else in this world,
I want Walter to walk in that
door and see a new radiant,
beautiful, youthful face.
Maude!
Maude, Maude, Maude,
I'd know that beautiful
rear end anywhere.
Oh, Maude.
Not yet, Walter. Not yet.
Not yet, not yet, Walter.
- Oh, Maude.
- Heel, Walter.
Now then.
Hello, Walter.
Oh, Maude. Maude.
Walter, Walter, I can't...
Walter, you let go of me.
I'll never let go.
I'm going to hold
you like this forever.
Walter, honey, Vivian and
Carol and Arthur are here.
I can't hug everyone.
Because I'm going to
squeeze you for three weeks
because that's how
long we've been apart.
Honey, that's exactly
the point I'm making.
Sweetheart, people can
change in three weeks.
I want to see what
you look like, Walter.
Oh, Maude, Maude, Maude.
Please, honey, let me see you.
Come on, Walter,
let me look at you.
Walter, it's been three...
Walter, either burp
me or let me go.
Now then.
Stand back.
A little further.
Well, how do I look?
How do you look, Walter?
I just had a haircut
to be beautiful for you.
Oh, Maude, Maude, Maude.
Walter, wait, Walter, don't
you see anything different?
Oh, oh, you've got new luggage.
And you're going
to be stuffed in it.
Walter, I've had that
luggage for years,
I've had this outfit for years.
Walter, darling,
there's only one thing
that I haven't had for years.
It only seems that
long, sweetheart,
but it's only been three weeks.
Wrong, Walter it'll be years.
Maude, Maude.
Carol, is she mad at me?
Walter, if this is your idea of a
joke, it isn't very funny, it's cruel.
- What did I do?
- Do you mean to tell us
you didn't know,
that you couldn't tell?
Tell what?
That Maude got a facelift.
Maude got a facelift?
How could you miss it?
It's as plain as the
face on her face.
Holy mackerel, I was
so happy to see her,
I guess I just
didn't look at her.
Dummy, dummy, dummy.
Harder, Walter.
Use that.
And when you're finished,
you better apologize to her.
Apologize?
How can I say anything to Maude
knowing how she must feel now?
I'd rather face world war three.
What'll I do? What'll I do?
I know.
My glasses.
I'll make believe I
didn't notice the change
because I wasn't wearing
my glasses, what an idea.
Isn't it great?
My three closest
friends in the world here
to assure Maude that
that's how it happened,
my three closest
friends to back me up.
I have to pick up Phillip
and go to the movies, bye.
My two closest friends.
I just remembered that
I promised my mother
I'd bring her a
basket of chicken.
Your mother's in Florida.
Oh, well, that's
why I have to hurry.
(audience laughing)
Arthur, if I have one
friend in this world.
You better call him.
I'm leaving now, Mr. Findlay.
Florida, oh, Florida
my dear, dear friend.
Mr. Findlay, I never
saw you before in my life.
Maude.
Okay, Findlay.
Save your marriage.
Hi, Maude.
Maude, I'm anxious to
hear about your mother.
You know how I love your mother.
By the way, have
you seen my glasses?
Oh, she's such a warm, sweet...
Oh, here they are.
(exhaling)
And Boston, oh, Boston must be
marvelous at this time... Maude!
Your face! Your face!
It's beautiful.
It's out of sight.
Walter, that is the worst
performance I've seen
since Buster Crabbe
played Tarzan,
and all he had to do
was grunt at a monkey.
Please listen.
As soon as I put
on my glasses...
You knew I
wouldn't dare hit you.
Please, Maude.
Carol told you
about the facelift,
don't give me that I just
put on my glasses routine.
"Oh, Maude, your face,
your face it's
beautiful, out of sight."
I'll be honest with you, I lied,
but there was a reason for it.
I know, Walter.
National security.
- Come on, Maude.
- Don't make excuses, Walter.
Excuses only make it worse.
No, and don't look at me.
You'll never see this
face again, Walter.
I'm going to keep it hidden
in a closet with the light out.
Maude, it is a beautiful face.
Come on, Maude,
stop overreacting.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
I know I am overreacting,
but, Walter, I may have
made a terrible mistake.
What mistake?
Sweetheart, our
faces always looked
as though they belong
together and now, I don't know.
I mean, I have a feeling that
we'll never be the
same couple again.
Especially me.
What are you talking about?
Come over here
and look in the mirror.
We still look perfect together.
No, I don't want
to see us, Walter.
Maude, will you over
here and look at the mirror?
I want to show you...
Walter, here's my
favorite picture of us.
The one taken in the
Hendersons' swimming pool.
See, I'm a head
taller than you are
because I have more
natural buoyancy.
Walter, I'm tearing
me out of this.
Maude, come over
here and take a look.
- No.
- We'll just...
I goofed, I goofed, Walter,
I made a terrible goof.
- Well, just take one look.
- Probably the greatest goof
I have ever made.
The greatest goof any...
Maude! Look.
Do you see? It's still us.
No, it isn't Walter.
Of course it is.
No, it isn't.
Walter, we'll never
be able to walk
into a crowded room again
without everybody saying,
"Who's that chick
with Walter Findlay?"
Walter, you're an old man.
Maude, when I came home
tonight, I was so happy to see you,
I mean, I was just so happy.
I mean, not just because
you look five years younger.
Six.
I didn't see just your
face, I saw you, all of you,
and I loved every inch I saw.
The whole package, I loved it.
I love your mouth, your nose,
your eyes, your hand,
your knee, your toes.
Stop, Walter.
Don't forget the instep.
Sweetheart,
if we can get your parents'
permission, will you marry me?
Oh, honey.
Oh, Walter,
you certainly know
the way to a girl's face.
- Hi, Maude.
- Hi, honey.
How'd it go today?
I better not tell you.
Oh, come on, what happened?
Well, well, you know
that I went into town
to have luncheon
with Carol today,
and... no, I
better not tell you.
Come on, what happened?
Well, well, we were sitting
in the restaurant, Carol and I,
and this very
attractive young man
was at the bar
and he... Forget it.
Oh, for crying out
loud, what did he say?
Well, well, he came over to us
and he put two drinks
in front of us and he said,
"Are you girls
with the airline?"
Aww. (laughing)
(music playing)
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
(Man) Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
What could I decide?
Walter is dying for
me to have a facelift.
Please stay tuned as
Maude gets a facelift.
And everyone knows
about it, but Walter.
(music playing)
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh yeah! ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranqulizin',
right on, Maude ♪
(TV playing)
(Carol) Phillip, Walter,
come on you guys.
Stop watching television.
Come on downstairs.
In a minute, Carol.
There's something very
important I want to do first.
You know, Phillip.
There's something very
important we can learn from
watching "Josie and the
Pussycats in Outer Space."
What's that, Grandpa?
Though they're
surrounded by Glogo
and the Canionians on one side,
and Rolo and the
Arcovians on the other side,
notice how neat their
clothes are at all times.
Maybe that's because they're the
only rock and roll band in outer space.
(clicks)
No, I think it's basically
because they don't want
their mothers to yell at them like
your mother yelled at you this morning.
Oh.
You see, Phillip, women,
especially mothers,
can't stand to see
anything halfway done.
They can't stand to see
shirt tails halfway out,
they can't to see socks
drooped halfway down,
and in your case this morning,
they can't stand to see your fly pulled
only halfway up, do you understand?
Yeah, like, it was a
big deal or something.
Well, women can't help
it, it's a sickness with them.
And there's a name for
it, it's called zipperphobia.
Gosh.
You're darned right.
Now, so won't get screamed
at by your mother anymore,
there's a couple of tricks of
the trade you should learn.
First of all, when
you walk into a room
and there's ladies present,
there's the old
thumb in the belt trick.
You nonchalantly hook your
thumb in your belt buckle,
leaving your pinky
free for one quick check.
Now, if you're
not wearing a belt,
the old shirt tail
tuck never fails.
Tuck, check.
You got me so far?
Yeah, but what do you
do when you find it's open?
Aha!
The first thing you
do is you don't panic.
You just casually turn
away from the women.
Now, I mean you make a slow
90 degree turn toward the wall,
always looking up and
saying something like
"Well, well, well."
A quick zip, and it'll be a
cover-up that'll make Watergate
look like nothing, okay?
But suppose you're
surrounded by women?
Then you pull it all the way
down, they'll turn to the wall,
and then you can zip it up.
Mr. Findlay. While,
I told Mrs. Findlay
I'd work half the days on
Saturday while she's out of town,
she didn't tell me nothing
about beds that couldn't be made
until after "Scooby-Doo
at the Movies."
Well, this is "Josie
and the Pussycats."
"I don't care if it's Bobby
Seale and the Panthers.
Now Carol wants you downstairs
and I got to clean up this room.
In a little while. I got to
go to the barber anyway.
But Carol wants
you downstairs now.
Look, I don't care what
Carol wants, Florida.
I'll go downstairs
when I want to.
Must I remind you that a
man's home is his castle?
Yes, I know your highness.
I'm going in to clean
your throne right now.
Vivian, where is my mother?
- What time is it?
- Oh, it's 20 after.
Giving her an hour and a half tops
from the airport, she ought to be here.
Oh, the chair, I
forgot the chair.
- The chair.
- Oh, oh, the chair.
- Isn't it exciting?
- It's exciting, exciting,
if I were any more excited, I'd have
to wrap myself in a box of pampers.
Look, we sit Walter right here.
He'll have a perfect view of
mother when she walks in the door.
Oh, he's going to be so excited
when he finds out mother got a facelift.
Oh, I remember when I
got my facelift, of course,
I didn't have a
husband to impress.
The only one waiting at home
for me was my goldfish, Edwin.
But then the goldfish
bowl was so dirty,
he really couldn't
see me very well.
Vivian, look, I know going
through a divorce is painful,
but you'll meet
other men, I have.
Life will be
brighter, believe me.
That's easy for
you to say, Carol,
you've got youth and
beauty, and a full-figure bra.
They wanted
$1,500 extra for that.
I better see what
Florida's up to.
She was supposed to have Walter
down here hours ago. I'll be right back.
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
send me a husband six-feet tall.
If you think it
works, make it two.
All right. Send me a
husband two-feet tall.
Florida.
You were supposed to
bring Walter downstairs.
Yeah, but that's "Fat
Albert and the Cosby Kids."
Walter, will you come
downstairs right now?
Okay. I got to be moving anyway.
- All right. Phillip.
- Yes, Mom.
You can over to Andy's
if you want, and Phillip...
Okay, okay. Mom.
Well, well, well.
What was that all about?
A historic moment, Carol.
One small zip for mankind.
I hope she hasn't
changed her face
- too much.
- Why, Florida?
I was just getting
used to the old one.
(Carol) She's here,
she's here, hurry up.
(Walter) Okay, okay. Now,
what's so important down here?
Walter, Walter, here, I want
you to sit down in this chair
and keep your eyes
on that front door.
But I got to get a haircut.
- Walter, just sit there.
- (doorbell rings)
- That's it, I'll get it.
- No wait, I'll get it.
Just sit down.
Oh, Walter, you are going to
love what's behind this door.
You are going to love it.
(clears throat)
♪ Here she is ♪
♪ Miss America ♪
Me?
Miss America?
I want to thank my
mommy and my daddy.
Arthur, get in. Get in.
Arthur, will you knock it off.
You ruined everything.
Me?
Arthur. If you're smart,
you won't enter the
swimsuit competition.
- Oh, where are you going?
- Don't leave.
Now, what's going on here?
Arthur, do you know?
I'm as much in the dark
as you were, Walter.
I didn't even know I was being
considered for Miss America.
Oh, stop it. Now, this
doesn't make any sense at all.
Oh, Walter, look, I'll tell you.
Mother isn't coming home
from Boston tomorrow,
she's coming home
today, it's a surprise.
She's coming home today?
- Yes.
- Good.
I'll be back from the
barber shop in 20 minutes.
No, no, Walter, she'll be...
Carol, you got to
make an appointment
with this guy a week in advance.
He's not only a
barber, he's a bookie,
he's got one chair
and twenty telephones.
Oh, shoot.
Mother's going to
be so disappointed.
Yeah, you may be
looking at a brand new face,
but you'll be hearing
the same old mouth.
Would somebody mind telling
me what's happening here?
Oh, Arthur, well you see,
this is a big surprise for Walter.
He doesn't know it yet, but
while Maude's been visiting
her mother in Boston
the last three weeks,
she's actually been
getting a facelift.
Maudie? Why would
Maudie get a facelift?
Oh, well. Probably
because I got one, Arthur,
and you know what
it did it for my morale.
No, what?
Oh, forget it, Arthur.
(car honking)
Oh, she's here, she's
getting out a cab. She's here.
Have you ever had a more
exciting moment in your life?
Yes.
(audience laughing)
Florida, Florida, come on.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Oh, this is going
to be the greatest
unveiling since Mount Rushmore.
You're dying to see it, right?
- Yes, yes.
- Come on.
Well, eat your
little hearts out.
(shouting)
You ready?
- (Carol) Yes.
- (Vivian) Yes.
(Arthur) Take it off.
(Carol) That's it.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Nobody sees it
before Walter does.
He'll take one look at me and
throw me right down on the couch.
Walter, where are
you, where is he hiding?
Walter?
Mother, he's not here.
Oh, come on Carol,
you're such a tease.
Walter, sweetheart.
Tinker Bell's home.
Mother, he's not here.
Oh, now what do you
take me for, Carol?
When I called you last night
and told you to keep him here,
I knew you'd do that.
Walter?
Come out, come
out wherever you are.
Olly, olly, oxen free.
Mother, he's not here.
And to think I married
Chester so you'd be legitimate.
My father was Barney.
Whoever.
Mother, I'm sorry.
He insisted on
getting a haircut,
I tried to keep him
here, I really did.
Oh, come on, Carol,
if you had really tried,
Walter would be standing
here now, nailed to the floor.
Now, Maude, she really did try.
Oh, I'm so disappointed.
I wanted Walter to be
the first to see the new me.
I better not cry, if
I get my face wet,
it might turn into Silly Putty.
Oh, Maude, now come
on, he'll be here in a minute.
I don't want to wait for him,
I want to see your face now.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I made myself a promise that
Walter would be the first one to see it.
Besides kids, it was a
very exciting experience,
don't you want to hear
about anything that
happened to me, don't
you have any questions?
I got a question, Miss Findlay,
tell us what it was
like at the hospital?
Oh, I'm glad you asked, it
was so funny at the hospital.
I roomed with two other women.
One, a 17 year old pre-debutante
who was having her nose fixed.
And the other was a
38-year-old fanny freak.
Fanny freak?
Yeah, she was having
her buttocks reduced.
Or as they called it in the
hospital, a keister correction.
You mean they
can lift that, too?
That's right, Florida.
If Maude had been really smart,
she'd have her facelift one day,
and then three days later
rounded it off with a fanny fix.
Think of the time you'd have
saved having that done, Arthur.
With you, it's the
same operation.
Where is Walter? He
doesn't have that much hair.
Maude, I cannot stand it,
I've got to see
your face, please.
All right. All right.
I'll show it to you first,
I was going to wait
and show Walter first,
but logically speaking,
I'll die if I don't
show it to somebody.
I can't even wait
to see me myself.
Oh, look, I'll be
down in a minute.
Oh, listen. I'll put
some music on here.
Oh, come on, honey,
don't be ridiculous,
don't you think
you're overdoing it?
The Mantovani album,
third song on the record.
Well, Arthur, it's obvious
you think we women
are pretty silly
with our facelifts.
No, no, no, no. Not really.
I remember telling my wife,
Agnes, about her female behavior.
Agnes, I said, if it
makes you happy,
you do what you think is best.
That was just before she died.
Coincidence, of course.
Mother, come on,
I've got the record.
- Are you ready?
- (Maude) Not yet.
- Come on, Mother, hurry.
- (Vivian) Will you hurry up?
How long do you
think we can wait?
What are you doing? Come on.
(Maude) Okay, I'm ready.
Okay. Wait up.
Quick, mother.
(Maude) Okay.
(music playing)
Well, well, well.
Oh, Maude.
Mrs. Findlay.
I know what you're all thinking.
I'm just another pretty face.
Mr. Findlay, please?
No, it's not the name of a
horse, he's getting a haircut.
Oh, okay. Thank you.
Walter left the barber shop 10 minutes
ago, he ought to be here any second.
Any second, any second.
All right, look, Carol,
you look out the window,
let me know the minute you
see him, and I'll stand over here
so I'll be in full view
when he walks in, oh, Lord
for contrast, I wish I had
my old face to stand next to.
Now, Maudie, calm down,
I know it's nerve-wracking,
waiting to show Walter your new face
that makes you look five years younger.
Six.
Six years younger.
That's what we
decided at the hospital.
Let see, at $1,800, that comes
to about 20 cents a wrinkle.
I hope he loves it.
Oh, you know
he's going to love it.
Of course he'll love it. Carol?
- Not yet.
- Not yet.
Oh, Carol, honey,
this is all your fault,
I come in looking
six years younger,
Walter's been gone so
long I've already aged a year.
I'm changing faster than Lon
Chaney during a full moon.
Maude, now, you really
mustn't do this to yourself.
Mother, will you calm down?
Walter's gonna love
the way you look.
The way I look, the
way I look, I look terrible.
Where's my lipstick?
Mother, your make up is
perfect, you look gorgeous.
Oh, get off my back, Carol.
Oh, look what you made me do.
Mother?
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I'm truly sorry if I'm kicking
at you, but, sweetheart,
if I'm behaving irrationally,
it's only because more than
anything else in this world,
I want Walter to walk in that
door and see a new radiant,
beautiful, youthful face.
Maude!
Maude, Maude, Maude,
I'd know that beautiful
rear end anywhere.
Oh, Maude.
Not yet, Walter. Not yet.
Not yet, not yet, Walter.
- Oh, Maude.
- Heel, Walter.
Now then.
Hello, Walter.
Oh, Maude. Maude.
Walter, Walter, I can't...
Walter, you let go of me.
I'll never let go.
I'm going to hold
you like this forever.
Walter, honey, Vivian and
Carol and Arthur are here.
I can't hug everyone.
Because I'm going to
squeeze you for three weeks
because that's how
long we've been apart.
Honey, that's exactly
the point I'm making.
Sweetheart, people can
change in three weeks.
I want to see what
you look like, Walter.
Oh, Maude, Maude, Maude.
Please, honey, let me see you.
Come on, Walter,
let me look at you.
Walter, it's been three...
Walter, either burp
me or let me go.
Now then.
Stand back.
A little further.
Well, how do I look?
How do you look, Walter?
I just had a haircut
to be beautiful for you.
Oh, Maude, Maude, Maude.
Walter, wait, Walter, don't
you see anything different?
Oh, oh, you've got new luggage.
And you're going
to be stuffed in it.
Walter, I've had that
luggage for years,
I've had this outfit for years.
Walter, darling,
there's only one thing
that I haven't had for years.
It only seems that
long, sweetheart,
but it's only been three weeks.
Wrong, Walter it'll be years.
Maude, Maude.
Carol, is she mad at me?
Walter, if this is your idea of a
joke, it isn't very funny, it's cruel.
- What did I do?
- Do you mean to tell us
you didn't know,
that you couldn't tell?
Tell what?
That Maude got a facelift.
Maude got a facelift?
How could you miss it?
It's as plain as the
face on her face.
Holy mackerel, I was
so happy to see her,
I guess I just
didn't look at her.
Dummy, dummy, dummy.
Harder, Walter.
Use that.
And when you're finished,
you better apologize to her.
Apologize?
How can I say anything to Maude
knowing how she must feel now?
I'd rather face world war three.
What'll I do? What'll I do?
I know.
My glasses.
I'll make believe I
didn't notice the change
because I wasn't wearing
my glasses, what an idea.
Isn't it great?
My three closest
friends in the world here
to assure Maude that
that's how it happened,
my three closest
friends to back me up.
I have to pick up Phillip
and go to the movies, bye.
My two closest friends.
I just remembered that
I promised my mother
I'd bring her a
basket of chicken.
Your mother's in Florida.
Oh, well, that's
why I have to hurry.
(audience laughing)
Arthur, if I have one
friend in this world.
You better call him.
I'm leaving now, Mr. Findlay.
Florida, oh, Florida
my dear, dear friend.
Mr. Findlay, I never
saw you before in my life.
Maude.
Okay, Findlay.
Save your marriage.
Hi, Maude.
Maude, I'm anxious to
hear about your mother.
You know how I love your mother.
By the way, have
you seen my glasses?
Oh, she's such a warm, sweet...
Oh, here they are.
(exhaling)
And Boston, oh, Boston must be
marvelous at this time... Maude!
Your face! Your face!
It's beautiful.
It's out of sight.
Walter, that is the worst
performance I've seen
since Buster Crabbe
played Tarzan,
and all he had to do
was grunt at a monkey.
Please listen.
As soon as I put
on my glasses...
You knew I
wouldn't dare hit you.
Please, Maude.
Carol told you
about the facelift,
don't give me that I just
put on my glasses routine.
"Oh, Maude, your face,
your face it's
beautiful, out of sight."
I'll be honest with you, I lied,
but there was a reason for it.
I know, Walter.
National security.
- Come on, Maude.
- Don't make excuses, Walter.
Excuses only make it worse.
No, and don't look at me.
You'll never see this
face again, Walter.
I'm going to keep it hidden
in a closet with the light out.
Maude, it is a beautiful face.
Come on, Maude,
stop overreacting.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
I know I am overreacting,
but, Walter, I may have
made a terrible mistake.
What mistake?
Sweetheart, our
faces always looked
as though they belong
together and now, I don't know.
I mean, I have a feeling that
we'll never be the
same couple again.
Especially me.
What are you talking about?
Come over here
and look in the mirror.
We still look perfect together.
No, I don't want
to see us, Walter.
Maude, will you over
here and look at the mirror?
I want to show you...
Walter, here's my
favorite picture of us.
The one taken in the
Hendersons' swimming pool.
See, I'm a head
taller than you are
because I have more
natural buoyancy.
Walter, I'm tearing
me out of this.
Maude, come over
here and take a look.
- No.
- We'll just...
I goofed, I goofed, Walter,
I made a terrible goof.
- Well, just take one look.
- Probably the greatest goof
I have ever made.
The greatest goof any...
Maude! Look.
Do you see? It's still us.
No, it isn't Walter.
Of course it is.
No, it isn't.
Walter, we'll never
be able to walk
into a crowded room again
without everybody saying,
"Who's that chick
with Walter Findlay?"
Walter, you're an old man.
Maude, when I came home
tonight, I was so happy to see you,
I mean, I was just so happy.
I mean, not just because
you look five years younger.
Six.
I didn't see just your
face, I saw you, all of you,
and I loved every inch I saw.
The whole package, I loved it.
I love your mouth, your nose,
your eyes, your hand,
your knee, your toes.
Stop, Walter.
Don't forget the instep.
Sweetheart,
if we can get your parents'
permission, will you marry me?
Oh, honey.
Oh, Walter,
you certainly know
the way to a girl's face.
- Hi, Maude.
- Hi, honey.
How'd it go today?
I better not tell you.
Oh, come on, what happened?
Well, well, you know
that I went into town
to have luncheon
with Carol today,
and... no, I
better not tell you.
Come on, what happened?
Well, well, we were sitting
in the restaurant, Carol and I,
and this very
attractive young man
was at the bar
and he... Forget it.
Oh, for crying out
loud, what did he say?
Well, well, he came over to us
and he put two drinks
in front of us and he said,
"Are you girls
with the airline?"
Aww. (laughing)
(music playing)
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
(Man) Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪