Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 4 - Maude's Facelift: Part 1 - full transcript

Vivian returns from a five-week trip to forget her problems after a divorce. She calls to say she is coming by and has a surprise. It is a surprise - she had a face lift and looks years younger. Now Maude is upset because she looks older.

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ And you're glad
she showed up ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizing ♪

♪ Right on Maude ♪

Did you get the job?

Did you get the job?
Mother, how'd it go?

Did you get the job?

Carol, my dear,

I'm going to tell you something

very important about life

from someone with a
great deal of experience,

it stinks.



You didn't get the job.

Oh, I knew 10
seconds after I walked

into Mr. Kersh's office

that I didn't have it.

He looked at me and took out

his fingernail clippers.

And as if that weren't enough,

he spent 20 minutes raving

about his new Japanese car,

gets 35 miles to the gallon

and the engine goes, "hmmmm."

Yeah, mother.

The job was to sell
chemical supplies, wasn't it?

I mean, you don't
have any experience.

Oh, come on, Carol.

The ad said, "No
experience necessary."

Besides, look at me and tell me

I'm not a person you'd
buy sulfuric acid from.

They're probably
looking for a man.

Oh sure, it's all your fault.

My fault?

Carol, you knew
when I walked out

of the house today that,

that it was one of my fat days.

Why didn't you even stop me?

What are you talking about?

Carol, blue and fat do not work.

I wear blue on a thin day.

Mother, you look beautiful.

I look like a blue whale.

If I had been
swimming in this dress,

I would have been
harpooned in 30 seconds.

Well, you may not love
yourself today, but I do.

Besides, I have some
news that will cheer you up.

Vivian called, she's
coming over for lunch.

- Vivian is back?
- Yes.

And she said she has
a wonderful surprise.

A surprise?

Vivian found a man.

That's it, she found a man.

Why would you assume that?

Oh, come on, honey.

She just came
back from five weeks

in the Caribbean where she went

to forget her divorce.

Now, she's not gonna
surprise us with a coconut.

Oh, God, please

let her bring back
a new husband,

or even an old one.

If she found a husband, we
would have heard about it.

A lover. A lover!

That's even better.
Tell me, did she giggle.

I don't think so. Why?

Ah, then it's not a lover

or any other kind of man.

Now, whenever Vivian
thinks of a man, she giggles.

That's why Chuck divorced her.

She only giggled twice a year.

Ah, well the poor old
thing. The least we can do

is get a welcome home
luncheon ready for her.

Florida's working on it.

Hmm, Florida, what
are you making?

In two words, a mess.

It's Eggs Benedict.

Eggs Benedict, that's
Vivian's favorite dish.

How thoughtful of you Florida!

Better hold off on the
congratulations, Ms. Findlay.

This Hollandaise
sauce is murder.

Whoever heard of eggs

covered with a sauce
made out of eggs?

It's got to plug up your
veins in 10 minutes.

Well, what does
Vivian have to keep

her veins open for anyway?

Poor lonely thing.

Mother, she'll find another
man, I'm sure she will.

I hope so. Than at least

one of us will be happy.

How can you compare
yourself to Vivian

just because you
didn't get that job?

You've got a good
home, a loving husband,

a beautiful grandson,

a sweetheart of a daughter.

And what's Vivian done?

A brand new set
of divorce papers.

And her maid drinks.

Florida, housekeeper not maid.

Now, stop being a racist.

Her housekeeper's white.

Oh, that's right.
Then her maid drinks.

Well anyway, the sooner

Vivian finds a man, the better.

You know, she's
no spring chicken.

Oh, she's your age, isn't she?

Well, thank you, Carol.

I see you're still trying
to get even with me

for not buying you that pony.

For your information, my dear,

Vivian is three weeks
younger than I am,

but the poor thing
looks three years older.

Oh, she is not aging well.

Now, her skin is
beginning to look like

one of those
drip-dry seersuckers.

Come on, honey,
help me set the table.

Come on, Arthur, come
on. If you insist I'm cheating,

- I'm not going to play
golf with you anymore.
- Maude: Walter!

- Hello, Maude.
- I was not cheating.

We're playing
winter rules, right?

That means you're gonna
move your ball, right?

Right, but not
out of a sand trap

and onto the green.

- Listen, honey...
- Maude, did you get the job?

No. I don't even
wanna talk about that.

Something much more
exciting has happened.

- Viv is back.
- Viv is back.

Yippee! Terrific!

- ♪ Hooray for Vivian ♪
- ♪ Hooray for Vivian ♪

Okay. Okay.

Heckle and Jeckle, knock it off.

Now the thing is, she told Carol

that she has a surprise for us

- and I think,
you ready?
- Uh-hmm.

She found a man.

Does that mean I'll lose
my invitation to lunch?

Oh, come on now Arthur,
would I do that to you,

to the only man I know who joins

Select-A-Date and got
stood up by a computer?

Now, you stay, Arthur.

Thanks, Maude,
that makes my day.

Look over here,
you cheated again,

you didn't count your shot,

you missed on the eight hole.

That was a warm
up swing, Walter.

- (doorbell rings)
- Come on, Arthur,
that was no warm up swing.

After you take a warm up swing,

you don't clench
your teeth, swear

and then look around
to see if I'm watching.

You cheated, admit it.

Hello, Carol.

Vivian.

Shh, come here, come here.

- You look beautiful.
- Listen, Carol,

I got a secret and I don't
want anyone to know,

especially your mother.

I've had a facelift.

Oh, that's great.

I just want to see what they do

when they know notice.

Okay?

Hello, Walter.

Hello, Arthur.

- Hi, Viv - Vivian.

Walter, doesn't
she look beautiful?

Vivian, you look
absolutely fabulous.

Oh, aren't you sweet.

Will you look at her, Arthur?

Yeah, Vivian, you look
absolutely fabulous.

Doesn't she look
10 years younger?

Oh, I guess it must
be the light in here.

I know what it is.

You lost a couple of pounds,

you had a good rest
and it shows in your face.

It's perfectly obvious
what it is, Walter.

She's not wearing her glasses.

I never wore glasses, Arthur.

Oh, I must have been
thinking of Harold Lloyd.

Never at loss for words.

You ought to try it
sometime, Arthur.

Vivian, tell 'em.

- No.
- Tell 'em.

I don't want to.

Oh, come on, tell
us already, what is it?

All right. I'll tell you

if you promise you
keep it a secret.

- Now, promise.
- Promise.

All right.

I, I didn't go to the Caribbean.

I checked in to Mount Sinai

and I had a facelift!

(laughing, yelling)

You look a hundred
years younger!

Thanks.

Mount Sinai.

That was done by Gordon, right?

- Gordon?
- Sure. Doc Gordon.

I'd know Gordon's work anywhere.

The man is an
absolute miracle worker.

You know, he's the
top man in the country

when it comes
to plastic surgery.

Oh, he flies all over the world.

He does royalty, movie stars.

He's absolutely the
best man there is.

It was Dr. Wordermer, Arthur.

Wordermer?

Oh, well he's much
better than Gordon.

I knew it had to be it had
to be Gordon or Wordermer,

you can always tell their work.

Arthur, you thought
she took off her glasses.

Exactly.

That's how you tell
Wordermer's work,

all his patients looked like

they just took
their glasses off.

Remarkable. A
person looking at you

would never know
you had a facelift.

- Oh, honestly?
- No, you'd never know.

Absolutely, nobody
could ever tell.

Not in a million years.

Nobody in the world would ever
know you've had a facelift, Viv.

Vivian!

My God, you had a facelift.

Nobody could tell, huh?

Hi, Maude.

Oh, Vivian you
look absolutely nice.

But I must ask.

Vivian, why did you do it?

I mean, we both agreed
we didn't need one.

I know but I was getting
tired of looking 47, Maude.

But 47 is such a groovy age.

She looks sensational,
doesn't she, Mother?

Vivian, you were supposed
to be in the Caribbean.

I know Maude, but,
you know, in the taxi cab

on the way to the airport,

I, I happened to look
at my passport picture

and then I, I
glanced up and I saw

the picture of the cab driver.

Maude, I was the spitting image

of Leo Pilsudski.

I told him to turn
right at the next corner

and I checked in to Mount Sinai.

But I'm so disappointed, Viv,

I mean, not in your
lift. No, that's nice.

But Vivian, you were supposed

to bring back primitive fabrics.

We were going to make dresses.

I did. The tropic shop, Macy's,

they're in the car.

Then the surprise that you told

Carol about was... Ta-dah!

Well, I am a little bit stunned.

I mean, Vivian,

you were ageing so beautifully.

Let your youth
call to your mind.

My youth, my youth,

my kingdom from my youth!

You see, we all have
this image of ourselves,

but at a younger age.

Well, it's a traumatic
shock to look in the mirror

one day and see a stranger
there, somebody much older...

Like Vivian in her
passport picture.

Well, you see, I wouldn't know.

I mean, my passport picture

looks like a Picasso.

That's right,
looks just like him.

Well, I'll go see about lunch.

Wait a minute, Maude,

you, you do think I
did the right thing.

I mean, I, I look
all right, don't I?

Don't, don't I, don't I?

Oh, Viv, Viv, you're stunning.

But then honey, you always were

a stunning woman.

And you always had a
great inner beauty too.

Vivian, it's like,

it's like the grain of the wood

of a really fine
authentic antique.

- An antique?
- No, no.

What I mean...

You know, it has,
it has a depth,

it has a patina,
it has a history,

you wonder where it's been

and what it's been
through, you know.

But there are some people

who would take that
same antique and sand it.

I mean, Vivian, you are a
stunning beautiful woman

who has just been sanded.

The patina and
the depth is gone.

But then again, there... I mean,

age matters to you, Viv.

See, it's never mattered to me.

I accept my age.

I mean, I... I love the depth

and the history of my
face, but you're different.

Sweetheart, I want you to know

that I am happy for you.

Truly, truly happy.

That witch has made
me look a 110 years old!

No.

I don't know, Maude.

I don't think that
does much for you.

What if I wore it
over my face, Viv?

Maude, now, you
know what I mean.

I just don't think
green is your color.

Here, why don't you try the red?

Well, now you see.

That's your color.

Yeah. Red has
always been my color.

I hate red.

Maude, what is
the matter with you?

Frankly, Vivian, it's
that remodeling job.

Why did you have it done?

I mean, you've never seen me

running off to get a facelift.

Maude, you've got a husband.

It doesn't matter
what you look like.

Thank you, Vivian.

When your new face falls,

don't expect me to pick it up.

Maude, I'm out there

competing with
young girls for men.

And let me tell you, my dear,

it is a jungle

where only the young survive.

What is that, Vivian?

Cosmopolitan's version
of the Darwin Theory?

Oh, Maude. No.

No, there is something
in what you say,

but Vivian, you would have found

a man in time.

I mean, your problem is that

everything has to be now.

You are a hysteric, Vivian.

Believe me, there is more
to life than getting a man.

No, it's all very
well for you sit there

and put down the
need for having a man,

you've got one. But listen,

I'm your age and I am fed up

to here with TV dinners for one.

I've got news for you, Maude,

Chef Boyardee, Colonel Sanders

and Sara Lee do
not a family make.

Mrs. Findlay, I'm leaving now.

In a minute, Florida.

Look Vivian, whether or not

you have a few lines
around your eyes,

has nothing to do with
having a man in your life.

That's a lot of
sexist propaganda

that some of us choose
not to succumb to.

I mean, take Florida,
you'd never see her

running off to get a facelift.

Oh, no. Henry don't care
what my face looks like

as long as I keep
my girlish figure.

Florida, if we want Geraldine,

we'll get Flip Wilson.

I mean, really, Vivian,
how could you go through

all that pain and bother?

It was nothing.
It didn't hurt a bit.

How did they do it?

Oh, it's very easy, Florida.

Don't bore Florida
with your operation.

All they do is cut it
here and, and put it back

and just snip a little off
and sew it back up again.

Schultz, my butcher
does the same thing

when he's stuffing the duck.

Isn't that something?

Well, where's the scar?

Oh, the scar is
hidden back in there.

Look, you see?

Well, look at that.

Ain't that something my, my, my.

You see, Florida is horrified.

Now Florida, you'd never do
anything like that, would you?

We don't even straighten
our hair anymore.

Besides God didn't
give us wrinkles.

I think he figured he gave us

enough trouble already
when he made us black.

I'll see you on Monday.

Bye-bye, Florida.

You know, I know
what's bothering you.

You're upset over my facelift

because next to me
you suddenly look older.

Hmm. Honestly, Vivian Cavender,

everything you do is the best.

I remember after
your hysterectomy

you were recommending
one to everyone.

Walter almost went
out and got one.

You know what I think, Maude?

You know what I think?

I think you're jealous.

Me? Me jealous?

Of skin that looks
like a fitted sheet?

Listen Vivian Cavender, if
you think I'm gonna stand here

in my bedroom and listen to
any more of this nonsense...

Did, did you say a fitted sheet?

- Good night.
- Good night, Carol.

Vivian: That's it. That's it.

That's it, isn't it? You
wish you had one.

There you go, Miss
Teenage America.

Walk down the aisle
and right out of my house.

Gladly. And call me

if you ever come to your senses.

What's going on with you two?

She's hysterical,
absolutely out of control.

Your mother is insanely
jealous over my facelift,

she can't admit
she wants one too.

Don't scream, Vivian,

your cement might
not be dry yet.

Oh, God.

Honestly at her age,

a late blooming teenybopper.

Mother, would you
like to get a facelift?

Me? A facelift?

Carol, I'm really shocked.

I'm shocked that
my own daughter,

a second generation feminist

should even
suggest such a thing.

Mother, part of the
feminist movement

is the freedom to
do your own thing.

Now, if your own thing is
getting a facelift, get one.

A facelift is not my own thing.

Carol, facelifts
are pure vanity.

Life is not a beauty contest.

Mother, there is
no stigma anymore

if you wanna change
the way you look

to make you feel better.

People wear wigs,
get contact lenses,

have their teeth capped.

Even men nowadays
are dyeing their hair

and getting facelifts.

Oh, come on Carol, maybe two men

in America have done that,

and they're probably
living together.

Mother, you want a
facelift. Now, admit it.

Carol, if I wanted a facelift,

I would get one.

Honey, I'm not competing
the way Vivian is.

I have a husband.

And believe me, dear,
if Walter were to walk in

and I were to ask
him if he thinks

I should get a facelift,

he would say, "Don't
be ridiculous, Maude.

I love you just
the way you are."

Oh, hi, honey. Hi, Maude.

Ask him. Ask him.

All right.

Walter, honey,
what would you think

about my getting a facelift?

Terrific.

Battle stations everybody.

Hey Maude, I got a
new kind of garbage bag.

They say you can
drop it from a plane,

it doesn't open.

Oh, exciting, Walter.

Next time you take
the garbage out,

rent a helicopter.

- Here are the eggs
you want.
- Eggs?

And the rye bread, look, it
was good, I got three loaves.

Walter, why are you
insisting that I get a facelift?

What?

Walter, last month you refused

to give me $300

to have the sofa redone,
which is in shreds.

Now, you are pleading
with me to spend

six times that amount
to have my face done.

Well, Maude, you asked me

and I thought it might
do you some good.

I mean, psychological good.

I thought it might
make you feel better.

You hate my face,
don't you, Walter?

Admit it. You hate my face.

You live with a
man for five years,

suddenly he hates your face.

Maude, I love your face,
but if you're not happy...

I am happy, Walter.
I am perfectly happy.

You're the one who has
been pushing facelift all day.

Maude, will you listen to me?

Put down the avocado.

I love you and I love
the way you look.

Oh, I'll just bet you.

- What's this?
- Pigs feet.

Nobody in this
house eats pigs feet.

Somebody does now.

Oh, we're finally
getting to the heart of it,

aren't we Walter?

The heart of pigs feet?

Oh, I'm talking
about men, Walter.

You men have it so easy.

You do not age the way we do.

Walter, it is a well-known

biological fact that at age 45

our hormones quit on us

and it is downhill all
the way from there,

but not men Walter.
Oh, no, not men.

Maude, what are
you talking about?

I'm talking about
life, Walter, about life.

Look around you. Look
at all the couples we know.

Take Sid and Marianne
Schaeffer, for example.

He is trim and stunning.

On a good day, she
looks like his grandmother.

Well, he keeps in shape.

Oh, sure he keeps in shape.

While that poor wife
of his is sitting home

moisturizing herself to death.

I tell you it's true of
every couple we know,

the woman is always
older looking than...

Wait a minute.
Come here, Walter,

I wanna look at your wrinkles.

You see my wrinkles.

You see, I have wrinkles,

but I'm not ashamed of them.

Well, of course, you're not
ashamed of them, Walter,

because you're a man.

What do we say about a
man when he gets older?

We say he is mellow,

venerable, distinguished.

But Walter, what do we
call an aging graying woman?

We have one word for
that Walter, one word.

- What?
- Dog.

Oh, Walter, Walter, I am aging.

I am graying, I am stretching,

I am sagging.

Ah, I feel like an old hen

with a turkey neck
and crow's feet.

I could be the centerfold
for the Audubon Society.

Maude, you're exaggerating.

I am not... this cantaloupe

will be ready to eat
next August, Walter.

Maude, this is ridiculous.

You're a terrific looking
woman just the way you are.

Walter, don't you ever feel
a melon before you buy it?

That is not enough.

This is what I'm
telling you, Walter.

This is what life is
like if you're a woman.

Walter, remember last week,

I went to look for
a dress for the...

for the club dinner?

Remember I said I
couldn't find anything I liked?

I lied, Walter, I lied.

I found the perfect
dress, perfect.

And then I went
to look at myself

in one of those
three-way mirrors,

do you know what I saw in
that three-way mirror, Walter?

What?

(imitating dog panting)

Three basset hounds, Walter.

Each one wearing
my perfect dress.

Sweetheart, would
you listen to me?

There's an old saying,

"Truth is beauty,
beauty, truth."

And you're a wonderful
looking woman

and that's the truth.

Am I, Walter? Am I really?

Then how come, Walter,

when I asked you if
I should get a facelift,

you didn't say, "What?
Tamper with perfection?"

Touch those exquisite features,

redo the Mona Lisa?

How come you didn't
say that, Walter?

How come all you
said was, "Terrific?"

And then you look at me like,

you were measuring
me for a flea collar.

Maude, I just wanted you to know

that if you decide
to get a facelift,

you're not doing it for me.

Then who would I be
doing it for Walter, me?

Of course, you're
doing it for you.

Well, of course it
is my face, Walter,

but you are the one
who has to look at it.

So, what do you want?

I want you to please yourself.

Walter, you are dodging
the issue, that is no answer.

I could swear it was.

You are dodging the question.

Walter, you cannot
make a decision.

But Maude, it's your decision.

You're right.

It is my decision.
I accept that.

Now, what do you advise?

I advise you to please yourself.

You're dodging the
question again, Walter.

Walter, why are never
here when I need you?

But I am here.

I'm here to tell
you that I love you.

I've loved you without a lift,

I'll love you with a lift.

You don't have to
change anything for me.

If you wanna do it, do it.

Only do it for yourself.

Now remember,
it's your decision,

not mine. Not mine!

Well, what'd you decide?

What could I decide?

Walter is dying for
me to have a facelift.

You're kidding. He said that?

Well, he didn't actually say it.

You know, when you live
with the man as long as I have

you communicate in
an unspoken language.

Mother, did Walter tell you

he wanted you to get a facelift?

His eyes did.

- His eyes?
- Yes.

And then after his
eyes said he wanted me

to get a facelift, they
said something else.

- What?
- They said...

he didn't wanna know about it.

That he wanted to be surprised,

which is why I am
going to keep it a secret

until after I have it done.

Oh, Walter, Walter,
you fortunate fellow.

Oh, here I've given you

five of the best
years of my life

and now, I'm about to give
them to you all over again.

♪ Boop-Oop-A-Doop! ♪

Tune in next week
for Maude's facelift.

Oh, Mother.

Well, well, well.

Oh, Maude.

Mrs. Findlay.

(music playing)

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Right on Maude ♪