Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 3 - Walter's Holiday - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ And you're glad
she showed up ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That old compromisin',
enterprisin' anything ♪

♪ But tranquilizing,
right on Maude ♪

MAUDE: Walter.

Walt, your breakfast has
been on the table so long,

your Fruit Loops are
being attacked by ants.

MAUDE: Walter.

Be right down, Maude.

Man, if he's not
down in 20 seconds,

I'm gonna go up and poach an egg

on his bald spot.



What's a six-letter
word for annoyance?

Six-letter word for
annoyance, try Walter.

Nice try but not quite.

I'll get it, Mrs. Findlay.

(doorbell ringing)

My goodness,
somebody is in a hurry.

Hey, sweet momma.

If there's one
thing I'm proud of

is that I ain't your momma.

And why won't you hit
up the lady of the house,

that the sales representative
of the world-renowned

Prophet Jones Aluminum
citing company is here.

Come on, brown
sugar, I ain't got all day.

Just a minute, what
makes you think

that a black woman wearing
an apron can't be the lady

- of this house?
- Well, well I...

- Well, you think I ain't fancy enough...
- I didn't say that.

- In a fancy neighborhood
- Please miss...

- is that it?
- No, I'm sorry.

- I'm very sorry.
- You better be.

Sure got a gassy
pad here, though.

Hey, what do you say I come in

and sit down and
chat for a few minutes?

Not if you're stupid
enough to think

that a black lady in a
neighborhood like this

could be the lady of
the house, you can.

Good morning, Florida,
what was that all about?

Some dude playing,
What's My Line?

How come you're
wondering why I'm looking

like a potted plant?

Florida, you're beautiful
when you're angry.

Oh, beautiful, my foot.

Well, thank you, Leroy Brown,

the baddest man in town.

You better watch
out for your husband

this morning, Mrs. Findlay.

What are you
talking about, Florida?

Well, it ain't your average day

when Mr. Findlay
pinches me on one cheek

and pats me on the other.

- A pinch and a pat, huh?
- Uh-hmm.

He's feeling Italian again.

The only way to
cure that is to give him

a good swift kick
in the pasta fazool.

Walter, would you
mind stepping in here

for a minute, please?

Sweetheart, you
can level with me.

Have you been hitting
the cough syrup again?

Not on your life, Maude.

And sweetheart,

I'm about to make
the announcement

of the century.

Attention, who knows
what day this is?

- A Tuesday.
- The 14th.

Wrong.

It is a beautiful day.

It is a glorious day.

Ladies and gentlemen,
today is I Love You Day.

What a beautiful thought.

It is lovely, Mr. Findlay.

It's lovely but
what the hell is it?

I Love You Day is
a National Holiday

proclaimed by me.

Right now, Walter
Findlays all over the country

are in their kitchens
showing their families

how much they love them.

And you are very fortunate to have
your local Walter Findlay right here.

Yay!

Phillip, no granola and bananas

for you this morning, young man.

You go down the block and
have yourself an Egg McMuffin.

Wow, neato, chief!

Thanks, grandpa.

Phillip, God bless
you and keep you

and love you forever.

- Walter?
- Forevermore.

Walter, please.

You're beginning to sound
like a summer replacement

for Oral Roberts.

I think he's growing something

in that window box upstairs.

Quiet, Florida.

For you, from the
finest salon of Paris,

at great expense to myself,

a handcrafted Findlay original.

A Findlay original?

My, my, I sure got
my tail in high cotton.

And say goodbye, Florida,
because you're taking

the rest of the
day off with pay.

With pay?

Thanks, Mr. Findlay.

Now, all I got to do
is explain to Henry

how I earned $20 in 15 minutes

on something called,
I Love You Day.

- Bye, y'all.
- Bye.

So, I have to get to work.

Yeah, please go, Carol.

I don't want you here
when they throw Walter

in the rubber room.

Okay.

For you, this little bauble,

I made it out of macaroni
myself at 6:30 this morning.

Oh, Walter, it's beautiful.

It's just what I needed,
a fattening necklace.

Wait a minute, don't
forget the sauce.

Honey, where did you get

this wonderfully insane idea?

From you, Maude.

- From me?
- Sure.

You know what I was
doing at 3:00 this morning?

I woke up and spent two
hours watching you sleep.

Oh, Walter.

It's not the first time.

You know what you do
when you sleep, Maude?

You twitch your nose.

And you know how hard
it is to hit a moving target?

Well, it took me two hours

but I managed to kiss
that nose three times.

Oh, Walter, I wondered why
I woke up with a wet nose.

Now for your present.

For me?

It's something
you always wanted.

Oh, something I've...

Walter, how did you
manage to get Lloyd Bridges

into this small box?

Oh, come on, Maude.

- Oh, come on now, Walter.
- Don't take all day.

That shows how little
you know about women.

Number one, opening
the gift is half the fun

of receiving it.

Number two, if I saved
the ribbon and the paper,

then I can use them to
wrap your gift at Christmas.

Number three, I could have
opened it five minutes ago

if you hadn't used
that much scotch tape.

Oh, honey, it's gorgeous.

Oh, Walter.

Walter, it is.

Thank you.

Oh, and I thought it was a joke.

It's something to wear
while you're being attacked.

There's the joke.

Honey, I think
it's even lovelier

than the one you
gave me at Christmas.

Oh, it is the one I
gave you at Christmas.

Maude, it's not that I forgot
you or anything like that.

It's just that I only
thought of I Love You Day

in the middle of the night.

So when it comes to you, Maude,

believe it or not, I'm the gift.

Oh, sweetheart,

I think you are the perfect gift

for I Love You Day.

Probably the one gift
that I'll never exchange.

Come here.

Come here, come on.

What are you doing, Walter?

It's time for phase
two of I Love You Day.

♪ When we are dancing ♪

♪ And you're
dangerously near me ♪

♪ I get ideas ♪

Oh,

if Richard Nixon had
this kind of phase two,

phase three would
have taken care of itself.

(doorbell ringing)

Don't answer the door.

Oh, honey, it's Vivian.

- We're not home, Maude.
- Oh, sweetheart.

No, Vivian's my best friend

and you know what
she's been going through

with her divorce lately.

I know what we've
been going through

- with her divorce lately.
- You're right.

Oh, come on, Walter,
we're so happy.

Come on, honey, and then
she's so miserable, look.

Just give me three
minutes, Walter.

Three minutes, I promise you.

And I'll just say hello
and send her on her way.

Okay. I'll have breakfast

but only three minutes.

Three minutes, I promise.

Oh, and honey,
please be careful,

I can't stand kissing a man

with a mustache
full of breadcrumbs.

(doorbell ringing)

Hi, Maude.

Okay. Let's skip
the preliminaries.

There's something
wrong, isn't there?

Wrong? What could
possibly be wrong?

My life is just a
bowl of cherries,

barrel of laughs,
boxes of Kleenex.

Boxes and boxes of Kleenex.

Oh, you poor thing, dear.

I thought the divorce was
all settled and now he...

- He...
- Now he's what, Viv?

I'm disturbing you
with my problem.

Good. I mean,

not that I don't wanna
hear your problems, Viv.

I love your problems.

Oh, Viv, no, I don't mean that,

what I mean is
this morning, Viv,

Walter came downstairs

and said that today
is I Love You Day.

I thought Walter
loves you every day.

He does.

Sometimes all
day if those stories

you tell me are true.

They're true but I
don't wanna burden you

with my problems either.

Oh, I understand.

I'm just a friend

and you two wanna
be alone, right?

So you two have fun
on He Loves You Day.

And you really
don't mind now, Viv?

Of course, not.

- Are you sure, honey?
- Maude, please.

Have fun.

Vivian: (crying)

Darling, darling.

I don't wanna be any trouble.

You are no trouble at all, Viv.

Now, look, honey,
you just sit down

and have yourself a good cry

and I'll be right back.

Walter...

Oh, Maude, three
minutes, to the second.

- She's not gone yet.
- Oh, Maude.

No, but she's practically
out of the door.

What do you mean practically?

Well, 15, 16 feet from the door.

She's leaning in that direction.

Please, Walter, just give
me a few more seconds.

Another crisis. Okay.

I'll set the timer for
two minutes more.

Remember, Maude, you're
not gonna get rid of her

by mother henning her.

Don't worry, honey, I'm
gonna start mother goosing.

Here, Viv, here's some coffee.

But honey, it's a little
bit weak this morning

so try not to cry in it.

Oh, thank you, Maude.

Now, then, Viv, I know
something is wrong.

What has Chuck done this time?

Well, Maude, you
know how fair I've been.

I kept the Mercedes

and let Chuck have
the Volkswagen

because he loves
the tape deck, so...

I know you've made
all of the sacrifices.

You know it.

I gave him the movie projector,

him chess set, him the blender.

And all you kept was the box

that you used to keep
it all in... the house.

Tell me, sweetheart,
what has Chuck done now?

Well, you know, my
daschund, Rufus?

As well as I know
that stain on my rug.

All of a sudden,
after we agreed,

I'd get custody,
Chuck wants him.

Oh, Maude. You know,
we never had any children.

And, and that little dog's
been like a baby to me.

And so now,

just because I
happen to buy the dog

as a birthday present for Chuck,

he says Rufus belongs to him.

- Oh, Viv.
- Oh, Maude.

Maude, we've known each
other for 20 years, right?

Twenty beautiful years.

And you're my best and
dearest friend in the world.

Best and dearest friend.

Then tell me the truth.

It's Chuck's dog.

You think... Vivian,
I only said that...

that Chuck was right?

I came over here for somebody

to tell me I'm right

even if she had to lie about it.

All right. Vivian, you're right.

You really mean that?

No, of course, not, I'm lying.

Walter: Ding, ding, ding,

- ding, ding, ding!
- I love you!

Walter: Maude!

Sweetheart, please.

- Vivian...
- Maude!

Not now, Walter.

Why do you care
about me and my dog?

You've got Walter.

Oh, Vivian.

- You don't care about me.
- Vivian, Vivian...

- Nobody cares about me.
- That's not true.

I bet I could disappear tomorrow

and nobody would even notice.

Oh, what's the use
of living anyway?

Viv, wait a minute,
don't say that.

- Wait, Viv, wait...
- Maude!

Please, not now,
Walter. I have to go.

I've just done a terrible thing.

But, Maude, it's I Love You Day.

Vivian, my dearest friend

is threatening to
take her own life.

Oh, for crying out loud,

she's not gonna kill herself.

Her alimony would stop.

Walter, don't argue with me.

This is I Love You Day.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna spend
I Love You Day at the club.

If I hit it lucky,

maybe I'll run into
somebody affectionate

- in the steam room.
- Walter!

I've spent more time
watching you sleep

than you're willing to spend
with me when I'm awake.

So now it's my fault, huh?

Now I'm to blame

because Viv
wants to kill herself.

I'm to blame because
Viv is desperate

and I'm the only friend
she has in the whole world.

Oh, honey.

Oh, knock it off, Viv!

- Goodbye, Maude!
- Listen!

If you leave this
house Walter...

I know, I don't
have to come back.

I never said that.

I know, but they all say that.

I couldn't care less
if I never came back.

Walter!

Walter! I'll never, never
forgive you for this.

Never.

Maude...

are you having trouble
with your marriage?

You know the trouble
with marriage, Arthur?

Yeah.

Trouble with marriage is women.

Every time you do
something nice for them,

they louse it up.

Oh, calm down, Walter.

Why don't you try
standing on your head?

I'm too mad to stand on my head.

Come on, it's good for
you, it helps circulation.

Improves muscle tone.

Keeps your socks
from falling down.

Arthur, if I wanted to work
out with Henny Young,

then I'd join the
club he belongs to.

Just a little
levity, that's all.

Now really, Walter,

I really think the
thing you tried

to do for Maude today,

giving her own
special I Love You Day,

actually I'm really
very touched.

It's kind of embarrassing
but if you look close,

you could see there's
water in my eyes.

That's sweat.

Maude thinks she's the
only one that's sentimental.

They don't realize that we
men are sentimental, too.

Oh, let me tell you, Arthur,

we're hell a lot more
sentimental than they are.

Hey, hold it.

Why are you trying to
kill that punching bag?

Because I thought
I just heard it say,

"God, I'll get you
for that, Walter."

Why don't you go home

and make up with Maude?

I'm not going home,
save your breath.

All right.

Give me a little room, will you?

You know your problem
is that you expect too much

from a woman.

One push-up?

Quality not quantity.

Walter, you can't expect
the same understanding

and compassion from women
that you get from us, men.

I mean, how many things
can you really have fun

doing with a woman,

when you can count them
on a finger on one hand?

Who cares?

Easy, Walter, easy.

Take my advice. Let
bygones be bygones.

Go home.

I told you I'm not
going home, Arthur.

Nobody's marriage
is perfect, Walter.

It's probably a good thing, too.

After all, we got a
population explosion

in the world, you know?

Can you imagine
what would happen

if all the husbands and
wives all over the world

were suddenly getting
along 24 hours a day?

Havoc.

Good Lord, then have babies
coming out of our ears, Walter.

It's a good thing you're
not an obstetrician, Arthur.

I was only speaking
philosophically, you know.

- Arthur...
- In my entire life,

I've only known of
one perfect marriage

and it only lasted 20 seconds.

They were run over,
leaving the church.

I'm gonna check at the desk

and see if they
got a room for me.

I'm gonna stay here tonight.

Huh, I had my secretary call

and get me tickets to a play,

you know, Maude
loves to go to the theater.

Oh, here, Arthur, you take them.

That's very nice of you, Walter.

Although we'll be
missing Marcus Welby.

They're having a show
tonight on malpractice.

I wanna see how
he gets out of it.

Walter, I've got to talk to you.

- Vivian!
- Vivian!

Vivian, you can't come in here.

You're not a member.

Walter, what's this all about?

You got to get home right away,

- Maude needs you.
- No way.

Oh, Walter, I'm really worried.

She's so despondent.

You know what she said?

What's the use of living?

Ah, come on, Vivian, I
heard you say the same thing.

But I wasn't waving
around a bottle of pills

- when I said it.
- Pills?

- What kind of pills?
- I don't know.

Round, red pills.

Red? Well, it could
be male hormones.

With all that, it'd give
her hair on her chest.

Come on, Arthur,
what could they be?

Well, it could be Secaonls.

As a matter of fact, that's
what they're called, reds.

Well, this whole
thing is ridiculous.

Maude, with a bottle of pills?

She's not the
type to kill herself.

All right. Maude is not the
kind of who would kill herself.

You know, actually, there's
only one type of person

who kills himself.

And that's the type of person

who when he kills
himself, everyone says,

"I never thought he
was the type of person

to kill himself."

- Walter, wait.
- Relax.

- Well, he may need me.
- Well...

I just happen to remember,

those pills were aspirin.

Red aspirin?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, I get it,

the old pill popping ploy.

All right there, Arthur,

you little ol' detective you.

Well, I don't use this head just to
hang the old stethoscope on, you know.

- Oh, Vivian.
- Yes, Arthur?

I've got two tickets here
for the theater this evening.

You wouldn't by any chance know
anybody who'd like to go, would you?

Oh, well, now by some
strange coincidence,

I just might know a certain
someone who would be thrilled to go.

Yeah, well, good.

I hope the two of you
will have a wonderful time.

(tire screeching)

Walter: Maude!

Maude!

Maude! In the kitchen!

Oh, Maude, where are you?

Walter, you called me?

Thank God, thank God, Maude!

I thought you were dead.

You jumped on me, Walter,

and you thought I was dead.

You know, there's a
name for people like you.

Are you okay? I thought
you had taken those pills.

Pill? What pills?

What pills?

You mean, there
weren't any pills?

Well, I took two aspirins.

What a lousy thing to do.

Walter, what do you
advise for a headache,

a frontal lobotomy?

I'm talking about you
sending Viv to the club

with that story about you

and a lifetime supply
of sleeping pills.

I did what?

Come on, now, Walter,

you know I'd never come
up with such a sleazy story.

Well, I love your outfit.

Next year, I think
we'll send you to camp.

Admit it, Maude,
you put Viv up to it.

That's a dirty trick.

I'm sorry to
disappoint you, Walter,

but I have no intention
of dying tonight.

You wouldn't even
make one phone call

to get me to come home.

You couldn't even care
if I ever came home.

- That is not true.
- It is true!

- It is not!
- It is!

It is not!

Why do you think I'd
send Vivian over there

with that rotten story?

Ha!

I'll send over her over
there with that rotten story.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry
about this morning.

Walter, it was so
sweet and adorable

and precious and delicious...

It's too late, Maude.

You ruined my day.
You just ruined it.

I woke up full of love
and stuff and you tossed it

in the gutter like an
old bubblegum wrapper.

Honey, I said I was sorry,

but Walter, you're
behaving like a little boy.

So what if I'm behaving
like a little boy?

My feelings are hurt.

Walter, I said I was sorry.

Why do you...
I... what can I do?

What do you want?

I wanna punish you.

You wanna punish me?

How do you wanna punish me?

You wanna... you wanna kick me,

scratch me, pull my hair?

Well, Walter?

I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

Now you're pouting
like a little boy.

Look, why don't you
just get it over with

and break out in acne.

Maude, I was hurt.

Walter, I have a better idea.

Let's put double
bunks in Phillip's room.

And if you play
your cards right,

maybe he'll let you
buy into his fraud.

You can that stuff
and I mean right now.

I'm not ashamed of
the little boy in me.

Look, Walter, I
said I was sorry.

Now, a man would accept that.

Oh, so now I'm not a man,
is that what you're saying?

If the Buster
Browns fit wear them.

You're really
asking for it, Maude.

Oh, are you
really asking for it!

You feel like you have to
prove your masculinity, Walter?

Is that what it is?

How do you expect to
prove your masculinity?

And don't say that way, Walter.

Oh, what? What?

How?

What... oh, I got it.

Come here.

Come over here.

Put your elbow on the bar.

You're kidding, Walt.

You heard me.

Put your elbow on the bar.

Walter, I'm a woman.

For the last time, put
your elbow on the bar.

Ready?

- Set...
- Wait.

Walter, what if I win?

Oh, Maude, look at that.

I won. I won!

Oh, honey.

Honey, I'm so
sorry about Vivian.

And I'm so sorry

about the way I
behaved this morning.

I just loused up
your I Love You Day.

Oh, you didn't louse it up.

Actually, I Love You
Day starts after sundown

on the day you announce it.

It does?

Why not? It's my holiday.

- It's my rules.
- (laughing)

- Come on.
- Oh, honey.

Promise me one thing.

Promise me you
will never grow up.

I promise.

(indistinct chatter)

(phone ringing)

Maude, wait till you hear
what Chuck's done now,

you won't believe it.

This is...

(music playing)

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ Right on Maude ♪