Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 2 - Walter's Problem: Part 2 - full transcript

I'm gonna bet you $100

that I can stay off the
sauce longer than you can.

Good. Let's drink to it.

MAN: Last week, you saw
part one of Walter's Problem.

(whistles)

Please stay tune for the
conclusion of Walter's Problem.

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪



♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ And you're glad
she showed up ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin', enterprisin',
anything but tranquilizing ♪

♪ Right on Maude ♪

(growling)

Morning, mother.



Oh, good morning, honey.

Tell me, did Phillip
have a good time

at Andy's last night?

- He had a ball.
- Great.

He's been out all morning
riding his new bicycle.

Wonderful.

(sighs) What's new in the world?

Oh, Carol, nothing but violence,
violence, and more violence.

Mother, what
happened to your eye?

My... oh, I walked in
to a chocolate donut.

How can you joke
about a black eye?

Did you put a piece
of beefsteak on it?

At 550 a pound, Carol,

I'd rather take up
Christian Science.

Are you gonna tell
me how it happened?

Well, honey, you're
not going to believe this.

But Walter got drunk
last night and hit me.

Isn't that marvelous?

Marvelous?

Honey, it's better
than marvelous.

I think it's the best thing that
ever happened to our marriage.

Mother, what are
you talking about?

Honey, when Walter
hit me last night,

it hurt him a lot more
than it hurt... Oh.

Let me put it this way, it
brought him to his senses.

He realizes that he does
have a drinking problem

and he is quitting.

He's quit before, mother.

If you ask me, I think
you're being very naive.

Come on, Carol.

I haven't been naive
for many, many years.

Let's see, I was 21
when I lost my naïveté.

Twenty-one?

Well, give or take a few years.

Well, all I can say
is it's a good thing

Phillip stayed overnight
at Andy's last night.

This is hardly the ideal
atmosphere for a nine-year-old child,

especially on his birthday.

Good morning.

- Hey, Florida.
- Oh, hi, Florida.

Good morning, Mrs. Findlay.

Wow.

What rat gave you that mouse?

Look, Florida, don't you start.

Mrs. Findlay,

if black is beautiful,
that's exquisite.

You walked into a door, right?

Right. And the door had a
little bald spot and a mustache.

Trouble in paradise.

I better get Phillip
off to school.

No, Florida, it's not
what it sounds like.

Actually, it was
just a love tap.

Well, I'm glad my Henry
don't love me that much.

Good morning, Carol.

Good morning.

Phillip, honey, put
your bike on the porch

and come on in.

Believe me, Carol, I feel
rotten about last night.

If I could, I would dig a hole
deep enough to jump into

and then pull the
hole in with me.

Good. There's a
shovel in the basement.

- If you'll wait a minute...
- Carol...

PHILLIP: Ready, Ma.

You didn't tell
Phillip, did you?

Hi, Grandpa.

Wow, what a neat
bike you gave me.

I'm glad you like it.

I'll get your jacket, honey.

Happy birthday, Phillip.

Gee, thanks.

I love you,
Phillip, a whole lot.

A whole lot? How
much is a whole lot?

Oh, how much is a whole lot?

Oh, let's see how much.

I love you about
316 roller skates.

I love you about 4,126 Twinkies.

Mmm.

About a zillion fire hydrants

and over 8,000
foreign dignitaries

with carnations in
their buttonholes.

Wow, that's a whole lot.

Your mustache tickles.

Come on, honey.

We're gonna celebrate the
rest of your birthday tonight.

- Goodbye, Phillip.
- So long, Gramps.

And over 2 million Fig Newtons.

PHILLIP: Thanks a lot, Gramps.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning, sweetheart.

Well, well, how is
the great white oak?

Florida.

Don't blame me.

You said I was family.

Sweetheart, listen.

Since today is
Phillip's birthday,

I thought that
tonight we'd all...

What are you staring at?

Oh, that's terrible. Good Lord.

Oh, honey, don't be ridiculous.

It's nothing.

Sweetheart, you were drunk.

I'm a beast.

How could I ever
do a thing like that?

Come on now, honey,
I thought we decided

we weren't going to
ever mention it again,

the subject is closed.

Well, I have to talk about it.

I mean, I look at you and
all I can see that I've turned

my own wife into an
ugly deformed mess.

Oh, come on.

Listen, I may have
a black eye, Walter,

but I'm hardly the
Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Now, look, I don't wanna
hear another word about it,

and that is final.

A beast, I must have
turned into a beast.

What kind of a
monster have I become?

I hate myself.

- I hate myself.
- Walter, save the hair.

- Save the...
- I hate myself.

Walter, you are
wallowing in self-pity.

Now, stop it.

When I married you, Walter,
you were not a wallower.

A whimperer, yes.

But not a wallower.

Hello.

It's Arthur.

Dummy up.

ARTHUR: Where is everybody?

Anybody home?

Come in, Arthur.

Thanks, I'd love to.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

How nice of you to
ask, I'll have one, thanks.

Pull up a chair and sit down.

That's very generous of you.

What's the matter, Maude?

Cat got your eye?

Walter, kill...
Ooh, Holy Toledo.

You better let me
have a look at that.

No, Arthur it's nothing.

No, no, I think you need
a professional opinion.

That is a pip.

A real pip.

Thank you, Arthur.
Now I know what I have.

The pip.

You know, Maude, with that eye,
you could get a job in the movies.

Yeah, if the Our Gang
comedies ever come back,

you could play the dog.

And if Mr. Ed, the talking
horse ever comes back,

there's a part for you.

And I don't mean
the part that talks.

How in the world did you get it?

How did I get it?

I was jumping
rope without a bra.

Ooh, ooh, funny.

Arthur.

Come on, Arthur,
I gave it to her.

Oh, come on, Walter.

No, really, what happened?

Last night, Arthur, I was drunk

and I didn't know
what I was doing.

And I hate myself for it.

Hey, you can't afford it.

I did a hateful thing, Maude,

a terrible hateful
thing, admit it.

All right, Walter, I admit it.

You struck a woman.

That is a hateful thing to do.

She's absolutely right, Walter.

You shut up, Arthur.

Nobody talks to my
husband like that.

But Maude, you said...

How dare you talk about Walter?

There's not a finer
man in the world.

I will not stand here and listen
to a lowdown sanctimonious...

Hello?

Oh, just a moment, please.

Sweetheart, it's
for you, the store.

I'll take it in the living room.

I will not have you
picking on Walter like that.

The truth be known,

I'm glad that he
hit me last night

because he's promised
to quit drinking.

Well, lots of luck.

He tried to quit yesterday

and he couldn't
make it through lunch.

Any man who spikes a
Shirley Temple needs help.

I'm his wife and
I intend to help.

And that's what wives are for.

No, I'm talking about
professional help.

Listen, Maude, there's this
man I know, George Shelton.

Now, he's worked with
hundreds of alcoholics.

- He's a very nice guy...
- Come on, now, Arthur,

I never want you to use
that word in this house again.

Walter, may have
a drinking problem

but he functions,
he runs a business,

he makes a marvelous living,

he is a wonderful husband

and he's got a right
cross you wouldn't believe.

Let me tell you, Maude,
he's got all the symptoms.

He needs drinks, he can't stop,

- He has lapses of memory.
- No, wait.

Since when are you
such in authority, Arthur?

Do you treat alcoholics?

Me? Never.

They don't pay their bills

and they pop their
biscuits all over your carpet.

WALTER: All right, all right.

I'll be right down.

For crying out loud.

My... Honey, what is the matter?

It's complete madness
at the store, just chaos.

Charlie Johnson just quit.

The best floorman I ever had.

But why?

Because Helen, our file clerk,

accused him of
getting her pregnant

at the last office party.

Well, you always said
he was a good floorman.

And now Helen's leaving

and I'm right in the middle
of the biggest sale of the year.

That's the thanks I get for
giving them an office party.

Animals.

I'm trying to make a living
and they're making babies.

Honey, what are you doing?

Nothing.

Walter, you call this nothing?

Yeah, and I'm having
another nothing.

Sweetheart, remember
what you said last night?

I know what I said last night.

I also had a
floorman last night.

But Walter, you
promised to quit.

And I will.

I mean, I admit have
a little drinking problem

but I'm gonna
handle it my own way.

I'm tapering off.

You really believe
that, don't you, buddy?

Listen, Walter, sweetheart,

please don't get angry, honey.

But the way you've
been drinking,

maybe you need
professional help.

That's a good idea, Maude.

I'll get some professional help.

On the way to the store,

I'll stop over and
see a bartender.

Yeah, This is
Mrs. Findlay again.

Has my husband
arrived at the store yet?

Not... but he left
over four hours ago.

Yeah. Listen, please,
the minute he gets there,

have him call me at home.

Yeah. My number is 555-9191.

I know that's his number,

but he may not know it.

(phone rings)

Hello, Walter?

Oh, hello, Mother.

Yeah. Listen, honey,

do you mind if I call you back?

Yeah, I'm a little busy now.

( doorbell rings)

Well, there's a slight
problem with Walter

and I'm trying to finish wrapping
all of Phillip's birthday gifts, yeah.

Yeah. Listen, sweetheart,

I promise I'll call
you right back.

Yes, Mother, I'll call you back.

Yes, Mother, I'll call you back.

Yes, Mother, I'll call you back.

This is a recording.

Oh, please, bring Walter
back safe and sound,

I'll go to church everyday
and twice on Sunday.

Mrs. Findlay?

I'm sorry but I'm terribly busy.

I talk to you direct and you
send me a door-to-door salesman.

(doorbell rings)

- But Mrs. Findlay, I...
- My husband prays
at the office.

(doorbell rings)

I'm George Shelton.

Dr. Harmon sent me.

Oh.

Oh, please come...
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I wasn't expecting a clergyman.

- Well, I'm not here
as a clergyman.
- Oh.

I'm here as a
recovered alcoholic.

Oh. Well, then you should
feel right at home on my sofa,

that's recovered too.

Oh, please, excuse me.

I... I'm terribly upset.

I mean, listen, Reverend,

can you help my husband?

Doctor Harmon... Why
are you staring at me?

Excuse me, Mrs.
Findlay, but that is a pip.

Who... has anybody
looked that at it yet?

Yes, our mutual
friend, Dr. Harmon.

Oh, Harmon's a good
man. What did he say?

The same thing you
did, "That is a pip."

Well, you have a second opinion.

Reverend, I really
need your help.

Well, that's what I'm here for.

Would you put your
thumb right here?

Now, getting back to
my husband, reverend.

If he even knew I was
talking to you, he'd be furious,

so please, get to the point now,

hurry and tell me
how I can save Walter.

Well, in the first
place, Mrs. Findlay,

alcoholism can't
be cured overnight.

As a point of interest,

how much alcohol does your
husband consume, say, within a week?

Oh, God.

Sorry.

Well, it's all right,
Mrs. Findlay.

If you feel you
have to talk to Him,

where better than
in my presence?

Well, then it's a good thing you're
here because I do say that an awful lot

especially since Watergate.

Hey, that's... That's very good.

Do you mind if I use
it in my next sermon?

Of course not.

Honey, it's yours.

Now, getting back to your
question, in answer to it,

Walter has been drinking
more than ever lately.

I mean, he says it's
on account of business.

Excuses.

They always have excuses.

Damn these collars.

Excuse me, Mrs. Findlay.

It's quite alright.

I mean, if you feel you
have to talk that way,

where better than
in my presence?

Mrs. Findlay, before
I help your husband,

before anybody can
help your husband,

he has to realize
that he's sick.

Walter is not sick.

Alcoholism is an illness,

a prolonged
illness like diabetes.

Walter is not sick and
he's not an alcoholic.

He has a drinking problem.

Mrs. Findlay, the
problem drinker

is an alcoholic who
earns over $24,000 a year.

Look, I know all
about alcoholism.

I've been through
it, Mrs. Findlay.

Look.

A tattoo of a naked lady.

Anyone I know?

Well, she ain't the flying nun.

I got this little
lady in Baltimore.

I was on a two-week binge.

I don't have any
idea who she is,

or how she got there, or
what I was doing in Baltimore.

Is it a wonder they used to
call me the plastered pastor?

Okay, Reverend,

how can I help Walter
before he walks in

with a naked lady on his arm

or God knows where else?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, he has to
recognize the fact

that he has one problem
and one problem alone,

alcohol.

He has to stop
drinking altogether.

(door opens)

(whistles)

Hi, everyone.

Walter, I thought
you'd be at the store.

I figured why go to the store,

it would only aggravate
me, so instead...

You stopped over the
club and had a drink?

Wrong. I stopped over
the club and had two drinks.

Hi.

Oh, Walter, this
is Rev. Shelton.

Reverend, my husband.

- Hi there, Reverend.
- How you doing?

I hope your business
is better than mine.

What business are you in?

Appliances. Mostly
washing machines.

You two should be
next to each other.

He's in cleanliness
and you're in godliness.

That's pretty good.

I'll kill 'em next Sunday.

Where's your hospitality, Maude?

How about a drink, Rev?

No, thanks, Mr. Findlay.

Well, I certainly could use one.

Mr. Findlay, why don't
you skip this drink?

Okay, Maude.

Where did you hide it?

I didn't hide it, Walter.

I gave it away.

You what? You gave it away?

All my good booze?

Even that fancy bottle I
brought home last week?

What fancy bottle?

That gift wrapped
bottle of scotch

I was saving for
someone special.

- Who?
- Me.

I bet you put it in the closet.

Mr. Findlay, why don't we
sit down and have a little talk?

Out of my way, Rev.

MAUDE: Walter, please.

Look, I feel like having a drink

and I'm gonna have one
whether you like it or not.

Walter.

Walter, please.

Maude.

(pounding)

WALTER: Let me out of here.

No, no, not till
you stop drinking.

WALTER: Come on,
Maude, let me out of here.

Mrs. Findlay, it's no
use, get him out of there.

No.

Oh, why couldn't I
have fallen in love

with a buttermilk freak?

(pounding)

WALTER: Let me out.

Carol.

Mother, what's going on?

Carol, this is Rev. Shelton.

Walter locked
himself in the closet

because he doesn't
wanna be baptized.

- Hi, Grandma.
- Well, if it isn't
the birthday boy.

♪ Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you ♪

- ♪ Happy birthday... ♪
- WALTER: Maude, open up.

Do you hear me?

Grandma, what's Grandpa
doing in the closet?

In the... oh, in the closet?

Well, he's trying to scare
the mobs out of his overcoat.

See, they're very
sensitive to noise.

- Phillip, go upstairs
and wash up.
- Yes, yes.

Oh, boy, Grandma,
that shiner sure is a pip.

Phillip, upstairs.

WALTER: Come on,
Maude, this isn't funny.

No, I know, Walter, and
neither is your drinking,

neither is your drinking.

- Mother, this is crazy.
- Look.

I know it, Carol,
but I made sure

that Walter would never
ever get another drink,

at least not in this house.

By the way, honey, do you
remember what happened to that, um,

gift wrapped bottle of scotch that
Walter brought home last week?

Yeah, you put it on the
top shelf of the closet.

Yikes.

Hey, right this way everybody.

Dry spell is officially over.

The bar is now open.

Walter, please, honey.

Carol, one for the stairs?

No, thank you, Walter.

How about you Rev,
changed your mind?

No, thanks. If you wanna
kill yourself, you'll go it alone.

I gave up drinking.

Gave up drinking?

What are you, some
kind of religious nut?

Better than that.

I'm a reformed drunk

or a recovered alcoholic,
pick your choice.

A recovered...

Thanks for your vote
of confidence, Maude.

I said I'd quit
drinking and I will.

I'm tapering off.

There's no such
thing as tapering off.

Look, I don't need any advice

from any Holy Roller
especially an ex-alcoholic.

Mr. Findlay, there's no
such thing as an ex-alcoholic

which is why I don't dare drink.

Well, I do drink.

Listen, if I were a drunk,

I'd beg for your help.

But I'm not, so thanks
very much for coming by.

I got to get some ice.

- I'm sorry, Mrs. Findlay.
- Oh, no, don't. Please.

If you leave, so help me I'm
gonna blow the whistle on religion.

Walter Findlay, will you
take a good look at yourself?

Don't start up, Maude. I'm
sick and tired of your nagging.

Happy days.

Please, Walter,
don't take that drink.

- Why not?
- Because I love you.

Now, don't say that, not now.

But I do love you.

Will you stop saying that?

I don't wanna hear that.

Your loving me has
nothing to do with this.

Look, Walter,
something has to give.

What are you trying
to tell me, Maude?

You're gonna leave me?

No, I'm not going
to leave you, Walter.

I am going to stay

because much as you
hate to hear it, I do love you,

but Walter, sweetheart,

if you continue
drinking this way,

we will no longer
be husband and wife,

we'll be patient and nursemaid.

Beautiful, beautiful, Maude.

We should have a symphony
orchestra as background music.

And what's the music, Walter?

Drink to Me Only
with Thine Eyes?

Or Beethoven's Fifth?

You don't care about me,

you don't care if my
business collapses,

you turned Carol against me,

you locked me in the closet
like a common criminal,

you're flying that sky pilot,

and embarrassed me
in front of everyone,

you're all against
me, everyone of you.

Stop treating me
like an alcoholic.

But that's what you
are, Walter, an alcoholic.

There, I said it.

I'm not an alcoholic.

Damn it, I am not.

Carol?

We're leaving, mother.

What do you mean you're leaving?

It's hardly the
place for a child.

I'll pick up the rest of
the things tomorrow.

Come on, Phillip.

Oh, Grandpa,

I forgot to tell
you this morning.

I love you a whole lot too.

CAROL: Come on, Phillip.

Well, honey there's
only one thing left to do.

Go ahead, blacken the other eye.

Come on.

Let's talk, Reverend.

You know, Mother,

since he gave up drinking,
he's the old Walter again.

No, Carol, he's the
young Walter again.

He's like a newly wed.

Yeah, I know when you
give up everything drinking,

they say you should
have a substitute

but why couldn't he have
taken up chewing gum?

- Hey, how was your day?
- Hi there.

Carol, you got another
Joe Namath here.

And I got a Joe Namath here too.

Come on, Phillip, let's
get ready for dinner.

Oh, come on, tiger, not now.

- I love you, Maude.
- Walter, later, later.

Walter.

(pounding)

WALTER: Come on,
Maude, let me out of here.

I'm not gonna let you out

until you promise
to be a good boy.

WALTER: Okay, I promise, Maude.

You promise?

WALTER: I promise, I promise.

What's that over there?

- Where?
- Get in here.

MAUDE: Walter, stop, no, stop.

(theme music playing)

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪