Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 22 - The Investment - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin',
right on, Maude ♪

♪ I ought to be in pictures ♪

♪ I'm wonderful to see ♪

♪ I ought to be in pictures ♪

♪ Oh, what a hit I would be ♪

In "Looney Tunes."

(talking gibberish)



That's all folks.

Walter, honey.

Have I wonderful news for you.

Get off my back, Maude.

I just spent 27 minutes
in a Volkswagen carpool

with four guys who had
Italian salami for lunch.

Why aren't there ever
any hangers in the house?

What happened to all the
wooden hangers Maude?

Well, I didn't wanna
say anything, Walter,

but I think Carol steals.

Thanks, Maude.

Come on. Now, it's all
right to take it out on me

because you had a rotten day,

but at least tell
me what happened.

Well, first, all I had was

a soggy tuna
sandwich for dinner.

But could I even enjoy that?

No, because there were some

200 pound matron who
was deciding whether

she wanted a washer dryer in
guava yellow or pistachio green.

Incidentally, she was
one of only five customers

that walked into the
store all day today.

The fifth was a
wino who stumbled in

to use my facilities.

And wound up using the
pistachio green washer dryer.

Tell me, Walter, was
the wino a short man?

Yes.

Well, you see if
you'd taken my advice

and ordered the model
that loads from the top,

that wouldn't have happened.

Anyway, sweetheart, I know
you're in a rotten mood...

You are in a rotten mood, but
I'm not going to let it upset me

because once I tell
you this bit of news,

you are going to be
in the best mood ever.

Guess what doctor, who's
your best friend, and his wife

are just back from
their honeymoon

and are coming over
to play Bridge tonight.

Arthur Harmon has
the nerve to come over

to this house and face me?

Hey, Arthur, doesn't
know a thing about

the 200 pound matron and
the pistachio green wino?

If Arthur steps one
foot into this house

after what he did
to me, I'll kill him.

- Come on, Walter.
- I'll kill him.

Walter, now, what is going
on with you and Arthur?

For the last time, Phillip, no.

But I wanna see it.

That's too bad, you can't.

Why not, Mommy?

Now, will you two stop?

- What's the matter now?
- Nothing.

I told Phillip I'd take
him to the movies tonight

to see "Bear Country."

He insists on seeing
"The Exorcist."

Yeah, Bobby Capelletti saw it.

He said it was great.

He threw up twice.

Bobby Capelletti is only 12.

Yeah, well, Bobby
Capelletti is big for his age.

Besides if he was 12
when he got in the line,

by the time he got in the
theater, he was probably 17.

Now, let's see. Honey, you know

you can't see "The Exorcist."

See? It's Rated "R."

You can't see anything
that's Rated "R" or "X."

Why not?

Oh, because those movies have

bad language and
violence in them.

Yeah, and sex.

Phillip, we don't call it sex,

we call it making love.

Well, Bear Country
has animals making love.

I could see that.

Yeah, well, animals
making love is a "G."

But people making love
like animals is an "X."

Now, come on, honey,
pick something "G" or "PG."

"PG."

How about this one,
"The Seven Ups"?

No, you can't see
"The Seven Ups" either

that gets too
much violence in it.

What if it's got violence in
it why isn't Rated "X" or "R"?

Well, because this is
violence with their clothes on.

Well, I'll just wait till
they get that on TV.

Honey, don't feel bad.

You'll love "Bear Country."

Maybe you'll get lucky like
Bobby Capelletti and throw up.

Walter?

Walter, you still
have not told me

why you're angry with Arthur.

Arthur Harmon is a
stupid idiotic dumbbell.

I know but why are
you angry with him?

Here we are.

The love birds have
come home to roost.

Oh, I can't tell you how
good it is to have you back.

I can't tell you how
good it is to be back.

Hey, Maudie, take a
look. Take a look now.

I bet you can't tell what we've
been doing on our honeymoon.

Look at our faces.

We'd been sitting under
the sunlight for two weeks.

In our bathroom in a hotel.

When you shut the door it
turned on a sun lamp in the ceiling.

You mean that you've been stuck

in the bathroom for two weeks?

Oh, Maude, don't be silly,
two weeks in a bathroom.

We could have, Vivian,
there was a telephone in there.

The trouble is I never
got the urge to call.

Arthur, why don't you get out
the bridge table and set it up.

Vivian and I have a
lot of catching up to do.

Walter, we're waiting for you.

Come on, Viv,
tell me all about it.

Oh, Maude, it
was just wonderful.

It was very romantic,
extremely tender.

And tax deductible.

By postponing our
honeymoon for just three weeks,

we were able to
celebrate it Akron, Ohio.

Akron, Ohio?

At the Surgical
Supplies Convention.

Honeymoon in Akron.

Arthur, I think
that was a mistake.

What do you mean mistake?

Well, I mean, once you've
honeymooned in Akron,

what do you have
left to look forward to?

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Oh, there's so
much to do in Akron.

There must be a
million bowling alleys.

Fascinating.

We took a VIP tour
through a tire factory.

But, oh, the best part of all,

we stayed in the presidential
suite at Howard Johnson's.

Of course, the president's
never actually used it,

but if he's ever in
Akron, it's there for him.

Well, he'd be delighted to
know that with the gas shortage

there's a winter
White House in Akron.

Hey, Walter.

- Hi, Vivian.
- Hey, Walter.

Hey, I missed you, old buddy.

Come on, turn around, pal, I'm
gonna give you a great big hug.

You do and I'll
break both your arms.

Same old Walter, laugh a minute.

I'll get the chairs.

Hey, you should have been
with me in Akron, Walter.

Remember the last
time we were there?

1944, we were in the service.

Walter and I, both picked
up a couple of car hops

outside of Wimpy's.

Walter was lucky,
he got the cute one.

I got one that looked
like Telly Savalas.

Arthur, you actually went out

with a girl who looked
like Telly Savalas?

Only twice.

For crying out loud now, let's
sit down and play cards, Arthur.

As long as we have
to play, let's do it.

Look, Walter, honeybunch,

would you come into the kitchen

and help me carry
out the potato chips.

Potato chips?

You know how heavy they are.

Don't mind Walter, he's upset.

He had to spin dry a wino today.

Okay, Walter.

Why are you being
so rude to Arthur?

Maude, if you insist
on bugging me,

Arthur gave me a stock tip
before he left on his honeymoon.

Hmm, from the look on your
face, the stock went down.

So, sell it.

To who? The
company went bankrupt.

Walter, how much did you loss?

- Few dollars.
- Walter?

A few dollars.

Maude, it's the
principle of the thing,

Arthur insisted that I invest.

He promised me I would
double my money in a month.

You lost a few dollars.

It's not the end of the world.

- Maude.
- No. Now, how about Arthur?

He obviously lost money too,

you know, and you don't
hear him complaining.

He's a doctor. He's loaded.

He could drop a million
dollars and get it right back,

Two hernias and a house call.

Now, Walter, when
Arthur gave you that tip,

you knew it was a gamble.

I mean that's
what the market is.

Look at my father,

50 years ago he bought 10
shares of AT&T at a dollar a share,

held it for two years
and then sold it

for a dollar and a quarter,

but not everybody wins.

He lost on other stocks.

Maude, Arthur guaranteed me
we would both make a bundle.

Come on, now, honey.

Arthur and Vivian
are honeymooners.

They're deliriously happy.

Now, please don't
burst their bubble,

let them do that themselves.

Okay, okay.

I won't spoil
Vivian's happiness.

I won't say a thing.

Look Maude, I'm gonna
play one game of bridge,

excuse myself, go upstairs,
and cry myself to sleep.

Love, Walter, honey, if
it'll make you feel better,

why don't you very calmly

tell Arthur that you're not
happy about losing the money

but be nice about it, Walter.

Hey, remember, he's your friend.

And a friend isn't something
you could just pick up

at the cheese
counter at Safeway.

Although with Arthur...

No, Maude. I'm not
gonna mention that stock,

not one word, otherwise,

I know I'll have to kill him.

All right.

Do it your way.

Don't mention it at all.

Okay?

There they are.

Well, let's play
a little bridge.

Maudie, you deal.

All right. Walter,
pass potato chips.

Don't give me advice, you fink.

The stock went
right down the drain.

Walter, go upstairs
and cry yourself to sleep.

What are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about.

That stock you talked me into,

the company went bankrupt.

Oh.

Arthur, you gave
Walter a stock tip?

That's right, love-dove.

So Walter lost a few dollars

and who cares, right, Arthur?

Right, who cares?

(growls)

You're not helping, Arthur.

Hey, Arthur, you told me yourself,
"Walter, we can't lose, it's a gold mine.

We'll make a fortune off it."

Listen, pal, I feel bad
about this too, you know.

But I got the tip from
an impeccable source,

the president of the company.

He was laying right
on my own knife.

It was an emergency
appendectomy.

And just as he
took his last breath,

before he went
under the anesthetic,

he cried out to me,
"Buy, Arthur, buy."

He gave me that tip
right from his guts.

Now come on, Walter.

This subject is closed.

Yes, come on. Let's play cards.

I really feel guilty
about this, old friend,

but that's a stock
market, you know?

C'est la vie.

I'm married to a
man who's bilingual.

Don't forget
double-jointed, Vivian.

Walter, do you see
Arthur's attitude?

Casual, it's just
one of those things.

Just one of those things,
just one of those things.

Walter, will you
stop whimpering?

- It's unbecoming.
- So it's unbecoming.

I lost $3,700 and he
thinks I'm worried about...

One club.

Walter, I'm
supposed to bid first.

One diamond.

Two clubs.

Three hearts.

May we review the bidding?

One diamond.

- Two clubs.
- Three hearts.

$3,700.

- $3,700?
- Maude...

Walter, did you tell me
the $3,700 is a few dollars?

Maude, look at the bright side.

What bright side?

I got off lucky.

If I lost $3,700,

Arthur must have lost
a fortune, right, Arthur?

Maude, Walter,
don't worry about me.

I didn't invest a nickel.

Invest, he didn't invest!

He didn't invest!

- He didn't invest.
- Walter.

Didn't invest.

Walter, Walter, please get up.

I pulled $3,700

and he doesn't invest a nickel?

Good heavens, Maude,
does he do this often?

Only in the mornings
when his pabulum is too hot.

Please, Walter, now stop
behaving like a baby and get up.

I like acting like a baby.

Arthur, I think maybe you
should apologize to Walter.

What for?

I gave the man a stock tip,

does that mean I
have to invest too?

Let me answer that question
with another question.

How would you like
a punch in the nose?

- A very good question, Walter.
- Please, must we be violent?

Now, now, now don't
you worry, sweetheart.

I better warn you, Walter.

I was on the wrestling
team in high school.

You lay hand on me and
I'll give you an airplane spin,

a half-nelson and I'll squeeze
to within an inch of your life.

And he can do it too, I know.

Vivian.

I can't wait to see the
slides of your honeymoon.

If it was such a good
investment, Arthur,

how come you
didn't get in on it?

I have my reasons.

Now, you just have to
accept that on face value.

Besides I'm a doctor.

I don't know anything
about business.

You knew enough not to invest

and don't tell me you didn't
have the money, doctor.

What is that supposed to mean?

Oh, come on, Arthur.

Everybody knows that
doctors have loose cash

lying around in shoeboxes.

Guess what are
you implying, fella?

I am not implying anything.

If the shoebox fits, wear it.

Walter, will you stick
to the subject, please?

You got some nerves
calling doctors thieves,

you appliance dealer,

phony money back
guarantees, advertising bargain,

he hasn't got to lure poor
innocent victims into the store.

Arthur, how dare you
talk that way to Walter?

Anybody who's stupid
enough to loss $3,700

is not smart enough
to lure innocent victims.

Thanks, Maude.

I never cheated anyone
my life and that includes you.

All right. Then why don't
you give me the money back

on the defective waffle iron?

That waffle iron has
a one year guarantee.

You've had the
thing for 13 years.

See? He's already got a cop out.

Harmon, you're a
chiseler and a crook.

And you're a whimpering SOG.

Just a minute.

Who do you think
you're calling... SOG?

Yeah, son of a gun.

Now wait a minute.

Okay. Put up your dukes, Arthur.

(shouting)

Watch where you're
going, you flea merchant.

Who are you calling a
flea merchant, you quack?

Watch it, Walter. You're
just lucky I'm a surgeon

and surgeon's hands
belong to mankind.

Now, what about the
hands of a butcher?

Hands or no hands, nobody
calls Dr. Arthur Harmon a butcher.

Duck.

(screaming)

Oh, did you see that, Maude?

Maude, did you see that?

He tried to hit me.

He actually tried to hit me.

Stay, Walter.

But he tried to hit me.

I've been known to kill, Walter!

Come here.

You're saving his life, Vivian.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, you're lucky I'm
a lover and not a fighter.

That's right and you're
out of shape for both.

I don't blame Walter
for being angry with you.

Vivian.

Not only did you not invest

but you wouldn't tell
him why you didn't invest.

But that is not true.

I gave him a very good reason.

- What?
- It's none of his business.

Oh, but, look Arthur, I'm
your bride, you can tell me.

All right.

It's none of your business.

Arthur!

I wasn't hiding anything, Maude.

I mean, I was gonna tell
you about the investment.

I was gonna surprise you
when I doubled the money.

Come on, Walter, you're lying.

I can tell by the
expression on your face.

What expression?

You only have one
expression, heartburn.

I can read you like a book.

In the five years we
have been married,

never once have you
kept anything from me,

successfully.

Will you stop
exaggerating Maude?

How about the time I sent
that extra $900 to my first wife

and I didn't tell
you for six months?

You never told me that.

It'll be six months Friday.

(crying)

Vivian.

We've only been
married for six weeks

and already you're closing
off part of your life from me.

Lollipop... You said
you wanted to share

every part of your life

but now look at me, what am I?

Just a bedtime toy?

Vivian, that is no way
to talk in the kitchen.

Arthur, listen.

A happy marriage is
based on mutual trust.

Just look at Walter and Maude.

They've had five trusting
marvelous years together.

I am tired of being a
second class citizen.

I am your equal, Walter.

I am not your silent partner.

Have I ever said
you were silent?

God will get you for that one.

But, sugar pooh,

problems of finance
are not for your

cute teeny brain to worry about.

I mean, all of my late wife
Agnes ever knew about finances

was that she was gonna
have a first class funeral.

Arthur Harmon, I am not Agnes.

I am a woman whose
honeymoon is over.

Oh, nonsense, Vivian.
We left the convention early.

Tax-wise it carries
us through Monday.

Vivian, that is a side of you
I have never seen before.

Oh?

How about this side?

Vivian, two can
play at that game.

I can't believe
this is you, Walter.

I mean, you live with
a man for five years,

one day you wake
up with a total stranger

and dishes breaking
all around you.

What the hell is
going on in there?

And another thing, Vivian.

Arthur.

(glass breaks)

Could you believe that Vivian

is jealous of Agnes' funeral.

Oh, I am not.

Vivian, if you can't stand
that heat, maybe you better...

Oh, shut up.

Hey, I can see the
honeymoon is over.

Well, that's right
Maude, tax wise...

Oh, you shut up.

Listen. Just because you
had four honeymoons you...

Now, just a minute.

Vivian, don't you scream at me

because that nitwit
husband of yours...

- Hold it.
- Pay no attention, Vivian,

just because Maudie marries
for quantity instead of quality...

Hold it.

Arthur, just because your
marriage is breaking up,

don't try to break up mine.

And to think that I once
considered you my best friend.

I am your best friend, Vivian.

But that's just because
I am your only friend.

You listen to me.

My husband is no nitwit.

Oh, but what would
you call a man

who constantly
goes out with girls

who look like Telly Savalas?

No. Take that back,
you fire hydrant.

- What?
- You heard me.

You are built like a
high-rise fire hydrant.

- Is that so?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, then you're built
like the kind of animal

that would use one.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Pay no attention,
pay no attention.

Just consider the source.

Oh, go swallow a Volkswagen,

your mouth's big enough for it.

That does it.

I will never ever set
foot in this house again.

Oh, good Lord.

What are we trying
to do to each other?

Oh, buddy, I didn't mean
to bust up our friendship.

- I'm sorry about the dishes.
- Oh, forget it.

We can always get new dishes.

Oh, Arthur, I think you better
tell us why you didn't invest.

Oh, well, at least
tell Maude and Walter

and I'll just go outside
or somewhere you want.

Hang it all, Vivian.

Arthur, what could it
be that you can't tell me?

Well, I could tell you
Walter, but it's Vivian.

Me?

No, no, no, no, no,
no, Vivian, cutlet.

You don't understand.

I know, I know, I
know you think I'm that

super successful,

highly intelligent,
superior, debonair,

man about town, that doctor
you met and proposed to.

But the truth is I'm not.

The simple truth is I didn't
have the money to invest.

Arthur, you didn't
have the money?

I lost it all.

I don't understand.

I lost all the cash I had.

I invested very heavily
in a real estate deal

down in Costa Rica.

I thought I was gonna
be a banana king.

I own a thousand acres of swamp.

I'm a mosquito king.

Oh, Arthur.

Do you think if I hadn't
lost all that money

I would have taken you on
a tax deductible honeymoon

to Akron, Ohio?

But, Arthur, that
doesn't matter.

I love you.

Come on, you two, before my
mascara starts running, come on.

Let's play cards.

Okay. Come on,
let's all play cards.

You know, I really did
think you were gonna make

a killing on that stock, Walter.

You got to believe that.

Well, I believe that, old buddy.

As a matter of fact, I have
been so scrapped for cash

that I was going to ask
you if you could loan me

a couple thousand
for a month or two.

I'd love to but the
$3,700 that I lost...

Arthur, in the interest
of our friendship,

Walter and I would be
delighted to lend you the money.

Aww, that's very nice of
you, Maude and Walter.

But I'll get on my feet.

Couple of house calls
here, couple of hernias there.

No, Arthur. By
scrimping and saving,

Walter and I have
managed to put away about

4,000 in our vacation fund.
We'd love you to have it.

But I mean, what the
heck? It's only money.

Right, Walter?

Right, Walter?

Two clubs.

Oh, would you
excuse me a minute?

My vacation fund! (screaming)

I'm sorry, Maude.

I really feel like a heel
blowing all the vacation money.

Sweetheart, don't worry.

I just thought of
a wonderful place

where you can
vacation this summer.

It has everything, tennis,

boating, hiking,
horseback riding,

bicycling, and in a
beautiful rustic setting.

It sounds great.

Where is it?

Central Park.

All right, Maude, all right.

And your nights will be
crammed with excitement, Walter,

beatings, muggings,
stabbing, crying...

All right, Maude.

(music playing)

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

"Maude" was recorded on
tape before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude,

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪