Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 21 - The Tax Audit - full transcript

Walter is being audited by the tax department. When the auditor appears, Walter is worried and nervous, but Maude realizes the man looks familiar. She finally realizes he is the man that had raped her over thirty years before.

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin',
right on, Maude ♪

(Maude) Walter.

Not now, Maude.

I wanna get everything
ready for the tax auditor.

Here, Walter, I made
some nice fresh coffee

and chicken sandwiches.

Why, thank you, Maude.



You're welcome, Walter.

Oh, Maude, you're a gem.

What's that, Maude?

Your mustache is on fire.

That's good.

Why don't you make some
coffee and sandwiches?

(telephone ringing)

Hello.

Oh, yeah, just a minute, please.

Walter, it's for you.

Walter.

I'll take it black.

Walter, it's the
fire department,

they wanna know what
to do about your mustache.

Tell them to come Thursday.

- Walter, it's your accountant.
- My accountant?

My accountant is
gonna be here to help me

with me tax audit.

It's long distance, Walter,

from Philadelphia.

Long distance?

What's going on in Philadelphia?

Since the Constitution
was signed, nothing.

Mike.

Mike?

What?

Why?

Oh, for crying out loud, Mike.

Okay. I have... I
have no other choice.

Goodbye.

Mike got fogged
in in Philadelphia.

He's lucky it's foggy,

I was there once
when it was clear.

Maude, this is
no time for jokes.

Now, I'll have to handle
the whole tax audit

without him.

Walter, will you stop
being so nervous.

I can't help it.

Come on, Walter, you've
done nothing wrong,

you're not trying
to hide anything

or cheat anyone,
you have integrity.

You're the most
honest man I know.

How bad is it?

Well, I haven't done anything

that every other
taxpayer doesn't do.

That bad, huh?

Maude, it's nothing.

It's just a matter
of interpretation.

I accelerated the depreciation

in some of the fixtures
and delivery trucks

at the store.

Actually it's not
breaking the law,

it's just bending it a little.

Bending? How far?

Over backwards.

Oh, Walter, where
does it all end?

What has happened
to the moral climate

in this country?

Is there no... Is
there no difference

between right and wrong?

Sure, it starts small,

stealing from the cookie jar

and copying answers
on final exams,

now cheating on your income tax.

Walter, before you know
it if you're not careful,

you'll have a really
big job in Washington.

Hi, Maude, hi, Walter.

I see the tax
auditor isn't here yet

and Walter's not
wearing handcuffs.

I'm not trying to get
away with anything, Arthur.

Oh, come on.

Everybody hides something.

They have to.

I don't know how they
expect anybody to get along

with the taxes the
way they are today.

You know what the
chief surgeon down

at the hospital
was forced to do?

Incorporate.

Yeah, it costs him
three-quarters of his income

just to live,

measly 25% went
into a pension fund.

$15,000 with interest,

at the end of 30
years he has what,

$1,540,000.

If it wasn't for that, he wouldn't
be able to save a penny.

Arthur, if there's an
H&R Block in heaven,

he'll get you for that.

This coffee reminds me,

I've got a patient with
Chow Mein poisoning

I got to get to.

(door bell rings)

- There's the tax man.
- I'll get it.

Arthur, do I look all right?

Now, cool down,
cool down, Walter.

You know, they're
like bloodhounds,

they can smell fear.

Mr. Findlay, I'm Clark,
Internal Revenue.

I'm not Findlay. I'm
an honest taxpayer.

Here's the cheater here.

How do you do, sir?

I'm Walter Cheater... Findlay.

This is my wife, Mrs.
Cheater... Findlay.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Here, let me take your hat.

Thank you.

Is something
wrong, Mrs. Findlay?

No, no, no.

You look very familiar,
have we met before?

I don't think so.

My accountant won't
be able to join us today,

he just called from
Philadelphia. He's fogged in.

Actually, he's lucky it's foggy,

I was there once
when it was clear.

I was born in Philadelphia.

Next time, keep your
lousy jokes to yourself.

I have this uncanny feeling
that we've met before,

could it have been
many years ago?

I'm afraid you're
mistaken, Mrs. Findlay.

Well, here we are, sir.

Everything is all laid out, sir.

Neat and organized, sir.

Shouldn't take too long, sir.

- Clark.
- Sir Clark, sir.

Sit down and make
yourself comfortable.

Some coffee?

No, no, thank you.

Now, I remember.

Charlestown Junior High,

they called you four eyes,

you were the kid who
always brought your lunch

in the paper bag that
leaked pickle juice.

Honey, can I see
you in the kitchen

for a moment, now?

Excuse us, Mr. Clark.

Will you knock it
off with that staring

and what's this "Haven't
we met somewhere before?"

I mean, that went
out with pee wee golf.

Walter, I am positive I
have met that man before.

Forget it. You've never seen
him and I've never seen him

and that's that.

Walter, you don't know everyone

I've seen in the past.

I did have a life going on

before you became my husband

and before Chester
and before Barney

and before Albert

and in between...
Forget about it.

- Maude.
- Will you stop bugging me

about in between?

Get away from there.

He will see you.

Now, you promise me you
will not peek out the door again.

All right. All right, Walter.

All right.

Did I hurt you?

Hurt me, of course not,

I mean, how could
a heavy wooden door

smashing somebody
in the face possibly hurt?

Are you sure?

- Yes.
- Okay.

Darn, you made me forget
what I was gonna say.

Just what I always
wanted, a receding nose.

Mother, is Walter a little
nervous about his taxes?

Why do you ask?

Well, when the taxman
put his pencil in his mouth,

Walter tried to light it.

Lord, I hope he smokes.

You know, Carol,
that man out there,

I know I have met him before

and I can't figure out where

and it's just driving me crazy.

I've never seen him before.

- Maybe you're mistaken.
- Unh-unh.

I know I have been involved
with that man in the past

and I'm beginning to get
a kind of queasy feeling

as though it might have been
an unpleasant experience.

Maybe he's one of
your ex-husbands.

Bye.

And another thing, Mr. Findlay,

I can't seem to find
the original cost figures

on your fixtures
and delivery trucks.

Oh, them, oh, they're
right here somewhere.

I mean, after all I
have nothing to hide.

I put them here myself.
I love Philadelphia.

Would you like some
of your cream cheese?

Will you... will you
relax, Mr. Findlay,

the figures will keep.

I just wanted to check them

against your depreciation.

Ah!

Maude.

Is anything wrong, Mrs. Findlay?

No, no.

Maybe I ought to have a
look at those figures after all.

There they are right there.

I'd like to see you in
the kitchen for a moment.

Maude, what the hell
are you trying to do?

Walter, Walter,
that man out there,

that self-righteous servant
of our federal government

tried to rape me.

When? The only
time I turned my back

was to hang up his hat.

Not now, Walter.

Thirty-one years ago.

- Thirty-one years ago?
- Thirty-one years ago.

Last September.

In the very shadow of
the Bunker Hill Monument,

that wild animal tried
to criminally attack me.

Wild animal?

Maude, he's a pussycat,

a United States
government pussycat.

Walter, that monster
is responsible

for the most terrifying
night of my life.

But how can you be so sure?

I mean, people
change in 30 years.

Yes, people change, Walter,

but tattoos do not.

Didn't you see it when
he rolled up his sleeve,

it says "Marvin."

That was the name of his dog.

Oh, come on, Maude,

there got to be
thousands of guys

with Marvin tattooed
on their arms.

Oh, come on, Walter.

Thirty-one years ago,
there probably weren't two,

three dogs in
Massachusetts named Marvin.

Oh, Walter, Walter,
I'm shivering.

Oh, Maude.

Oh, Walter, Walter,
it was ghastly.

I don't think I can handle this.

- Walter, help me.
- Okay, sweetheart.

- Okay, sweetheart.
- Help me.

- But calm down.
- Yeah, right.

But please, Walter,
you will help me,

you'll tell me what to do.

Of course, honey, you know that.

But before I can
decide anything,

I have to make sure
we're on solid ground.

Now, let me ask
you one more time.

You are absolutely
certain that the man

who tried to attack
you over 31 years ago

is the same man in...
Who's out there right now

investigating my tax return?

Absolutely, Walter.

Now tell me what to do.

Let bygones be bygones.

Let bygones be bygones?

Walter, this was
a crime of passion,

we were not
playing kick the can.

Maude, please, shh.

You don't know
what I went through.

It was during the war,
Winnie Madower and I

were Victory Bell
volunteers at the USO.

You mean, Clark was a soldier?

Worse, a sailor.

He seemed so sweet
and so innocent,

between dances he kept
showing me snapshots

of his mother and his dog,

I remember they
were both blonde.

Sounds like a nice guy to me.

Would you at least listen?

After the dance,

Winnie and I accepted
his invitation to go

to Brigham's for
ice cream cones.

Oh, I remember it as
though it were yesterday,

I had a double
chocolate fudge ripple

and rocky road and Winnie
just had a single scoop

of vanilla on a dish.

Well, she was always on a diet.

Oh, Lord, was she fat?

I remember the kids
used to call her bubble butt.

Maude, will you
get to the point?

I'm not interested in
Winnie Madower's fanny.

Nobody was.

Anyway,

he dropped Winnie
off at her house,

the next thing I knew, Walter,

we were parked behind
the Bunker Hill Monument.

He went crazy.

I tried to get away
and he grabbed me

and tore my favorite
angora sweater.

He was like a mad
man with blood in his eye

and a fist full of fuzz.

I tried to scream for help,
but the windows were up

and the car radio was blasting

while I was fighting desperately

to keep my clothes
from being ripped off me,

Ish Kabibble was singing
"Don't Sit Under The Apple Tree."

Ish Kabibble?

Walter, I was
fighting for my life,

I didn't have time
to switch stations.

Anyway just when I
thought the battle was lost,

my saddle shoe smashed
through his windshield.

He was so startled that I
just jumped out of the car

and he didn't even
notice and I just... I ran

and I ran and I ran
and I didn't get home

until 2:00 in the morning.

Well, sweetheart, I know it
was probably very upsetting

for you but at
least he didn't...

Well, I mean, nothing happened.

Oh, and that makes
it all right, Walter?

Because he didn't finish
what he started out to do,

that wipes the slate clean?

Maude, it's all part
of the dating game,

it goes on all the time.

I mean, a guy takes
a girl out in the car

and either he gets lucky
or he gets his face slapped.

Even if he gets
his face slapped,

he goes around
bragging how lucky he got,

while the poor girl
goes home in tears.

I mean, whether
anything happened or not,

Walter, it was... It
was a humiliating,

degrading experience.

On top of everything else he was
wearing his Good Conduct ribbon.

What do you want me to do?

Go out there and beat him up

because 31 years ago
he made a pass at you?

Oh, Walter, you make it
sound so matter or fact,

so trivial, do you know
what happened to me

when I got home that night?

My father was waiting
for me at the door,

he took one look at
my... At my torn sweater

and my broken bra strap and...

Oh, he just said some
terrible, terrible things,

he called me terrible names,

the tramp, fast, common,

and those were the nice ones.

- But why?
- Why?

Because he blamed
me for the incident.

He said I broke his heart
and I ruined his good name,

it was six months before
he let me out again.

All right, Maude, it
was a bad experience

but what do you hope
to gain by opening up

this can of peas again?

It will only upset you
and it'll upset Mr. Clark.

But why do I care if he's upset?

What difference will it make?

About 3,000 bucks if he
checks the depreciation.

I see it all very plainly now,

your petty little tax
problem means more to you

than my assault.

Maude, you are making a
mountain out of a molehill.

Assaulting a woman, Walter,

is not a molehill nor
are her feelings about it.

They are our most
precious possessions

and they should be treated

with dignity and respect,
but I wouldn't expect you

to understand
that. You're a man.

What a lousy thing to say.

Look, if you want that
dignity and respect,

what were you doing parking

at the Bunker Hill
Monument with a sailor.

Exactly what do
you mean by that?

Come on, big Maude.

Even at 17, you had to
know that he wasn't taking you

to Bunker Hill to see
the whites of your eyes.

I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.

You blame me for the incident,

it was 31 years ago, I'm
reliving the whole thing,

you're my father all over again.

I am not your father.

You say that now but
wait until the first time

I come home with
a broken bra strap.

I beg your pardon.

Would you folks make an
effort to keep your voices down?

- I'm trying to get
some work done.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Clark,

that you don't like
my speaking my voice,

perhaps you will like
my singing voice better.

♪ Don't sit under
the apple tree ♪

♪ With anyone else but me ♪

Maude.

♪ Anyone else but me ♪

Maude.

♪ Anyone else but... ♪

- Maude.
- No, no, nothing.

You don't get away
that easily, Mr. Clark.

Maude.

Mr. Clark, think hard.

Boston.

I was never in Boston.

Boston, Massachusetts.

Oh, oh, wait a minute.
Come to think of it,

I was in Boston
once for a weekend

while I was in the
Navy during the war.

Yes, think hard, Mr. Clark.

A balmy Indian summer
evening filled with excitement.

Oh, yes, yes, of
course, now I remember.

Now, you remember.

Will you please tell my
husband exactly as you recall it?

I saw the Red Sox beat
the Yankees at Fenway Park.

Are you a baseball fan?

A base... I am talking about
a night I will never forget.

You attacked me.

- Oh, no.
- I what?

Mrs. Findlay, I am an agent

of the United States Government,

and a respectable family man

with a wife and six children.

That figures.

And I've heard of some
pretty sleazy tricks in my day.

- Mr. Clark.
- This is the lowest.

- Mr. Clark.
- Trying to blackmail me

so I'll go easy on your
husband's tax audit.

Mr. Clark, please don't go.

My wife wasn't trying
to blackmail you.

I'm an honest man.

Okay. So I accelerated

the depreciation on my drugs.

Wait a minute.

That's what it was,
accelerated depreciation.

Mr. Clark, I'm going to
give you one more chance.

A 1937 Chevy

with a Betty Boop doll dangling

from the rearview mirror.

How did you know about that?

You and I, Mr. Clark,
were parked

behind the Bunker Hill Monument,

you turned off the lights

and turned on the car radio.

Before I knew what
was happening,

arms and legs were
flying all over that car.

Mrs. Findlay, I haven't
the slightest notion

of what you are talking about.

You mean you don't remember?

I mean, after all the things

that we almost did together.

Walter, he doesn't remember.

Mr. Clark, please,

- sit down on the sofa.
- Now, Mrs. Findlay.

Perhaps I can
refresh your memory.

Now just sit down.

I'll be you, you'll be me.

Okay? Now, as I recall,

it all began your hands
were on the steering wheel,

and you mumbled something
about how nice the moon looked

shining down on Old
Ironsides in the harbor.

How nice the moon
looks shining down

on Old Ironsides in the harbor.

What do you think you're doing?

That's exactly what I said.

The next thing I knew,
your other hand was here.

Mrs. Findlay, please.

That's exactly what I said.

Mrs. Findlay, this is
very embarrassing.

And humiliating and rotten.

Maude, for heaven's sake.

Walter, I'm busy,
get out of the car.

And before I knew
what was happening.

Mrs. Findlay, please,

I'm with the Internal
Revenue Service.

Look at me crashing
helplessly about there,

until my foot goes
through your windshield

smashing it to pieces.

Ah.

Ah, now I remember.

Now you remember.

You bet.

Do you realize how
hard it was to replace

a windshield during the war?

You see, Walter, I was right.

Thirty-one years,
nothing has changed.

You men just don't give a
damn about how we women feel.

Maude, that's not true.

Wait a minute.

Mrs. Findlay, now that
you've refreshed my memory,

I'm afraid it's
yours that's hazy.

Did you or did you not put
your arm around my neck?

Well, only because it
was a balmy evening,

you asked me to help
you off with your fur chubby.

My fur chubby was on my lap,

it was my sweater you were
trying to help me off with.

Mrs. Findlay, your
memory is playing tricks.

The truth is you panicked.

- I did not panic.
- Now, you got hysterical.

I did not get hysterical,
I never get hysterical.

Walter, do I ever
get hysterical?

Never, she never
gets hysterical.

All right. All right.

Maybe I did try to
take some liberties,

but I was a kid
going off the war.

I wanted to spend my
last few hours ashore

with a very charming, gorgeous,

and if you'll pardon
me, sexy dish.

Yes, that's it.

Pull the old patriotic thing,

the young man going
off to war not now...

What kind of dish?

I must say, you
haven't changed a bit.

Thank you.

That still did not
give you license to try

to compromise me and
then just fling me aside

without guilt or remorse.

Mrs. Findlay, I didn't
just fling you aside,

I ran after you to apologize.

When?

As soon as I brushed the
windshield off my pants.

See? I told you
he was a nice guy.

Mrs. Findlay,

look, my remembrance
of the affair,

the occasion is
slightly different

from yours, but if that's the
way you remember it then,

I'm sorry, I ask
your forgiveness.

I accept your
apology, Mr. Clark.

Maude, it takes a big, big man

to say he was wrong
and to apologize.

Thank you.

Oh, by the way, Mr. Findlay,

there are the figures
on your tax adjustment.

Thank you.

Mrs. Findlay...

I want you to know I
didn't come all this way

to hurt anybody.

Well, bye, Maude.

Goodbye, Harvey.

- Harold.
- Harold.

Nice seeing you again.

Oh, Walter, he is gone.

Gone.

All those years of humiliation

and anger, gone.

Walter, you'll never know
how this makes me feel.

You don't know how
this makes me feel.

How do you like that?

What he tried to do
to me 31 years ago,

he just did to you today.

Hey, I just passed the revenue
agent as he was leaving.

How did you make out, old buddy?

Do you wanna know
how I made out?

It just cost me 2,700 bucks.

No wonder he was smiling.

Oh, Arthur, I hate
to disappoint you,

but that's not why
he was smiling.

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ Don't sit under
the apple tree... ♪

(music playing)

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

"Maude" was recorded on
tape before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪