Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 23 - Phillip's Problem - full transcript

Carol and Chris plan a trip without Phillip. Carol is hesitant because Phillip has been causing problems at home recently. They go on vacation and Phillip gets worse. Maude realizes something has to be done.

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin',
right on, Maude ♪

Hi, honey.

You know, Walter, your
car is practically out of gas.

I barely made it home.

What are you using my car for?

It only gets nine
miles to the gallon,

yours gets 22 and it's
sitting in the garage,



you're supposed
to be saving gas.

I am saving gas.

My car has a full tank.

All right, Phillip, go ahead.

Have no respect for your mother.

Call her terrible
names, see if I care.

Ugh.

Chris will be here any minute,
I'm not even half packed.

Darling, what is the matter?

Phillip, that's
what's the matter.

I told him I wanted
that pigpen he lives in

cleaned inside and out.

You know what he said to me?

If I wanted that clean,

I should call an exorcist.

Isn't that cute? And he
hasn't even seen the movie.

Cute?

Mother, the child has been
acting like a brat all week.

Won't clean his room,
won't do his homework,

he's sullen, sloppy, sassy.

I swear, if he
keeps up like this,

he's gonna flunk
every subject in school.

Oh, come on, Carol.

Now, Phillip is a
remarkably bright kid.

He takes after my
side of the family.

You know, Carol, the
sullen, sloppy, sassy side.

Well, we could discuss
your side of the family

but what can you say
about a bunch of people

that were thrown out of work

when automatic
pinsetters came in?

Oh, I don't know. I
tried to talk to him.

He's like talking
to a stone wall.

Maybe I shouldn't go away.

I never left him alone
for four days before.

Oh, come on now, honey.

You and Chris have been
planning this trip for weeks.

Besides, Phillip won't be alone.

We will be with him

and is that any way
to pack a suitcase?

Mother, I am perfectly
capable of packing my own...

Come on, now, don't be upset.

That's what mothers are for.

I'm sure Henry Kissinger's
mother does his packing.

No wonder he looks so frumpy.

(loud thud)

Now what?

Phillip, I told you
to clean the room

not wreck it.

It's the devil making him do it.

If you'd gotten an
exorcist like he asked,

this wouldn't be happening.

Mother, for the last week,

Phillip has been
acting like a holy terror.

Stop apologizing for him.

I'm not apo... Carol,

a deck of cards and
a see-through nightie?

When I was your age,

I would have taken
one or the other.

As a matter of fact, if
I had taken the cards,

you wouldn't be here today.

Now, honey, don't
worry about Phillip.

It is perfectly natural
for a child his age

to be hostile and
rebellious and belligerent.

It's just a phase.

It's vitamin C.

Oh, does that work?

Stop changing the subject.

Listen, as far as
you're concerned

in a situation like
this you are no help.

You... you can't wait to
make excuses for Phillip.

- That is not true.
- If you ask me,

all the kid needs is a
good boot in the keister.

Oh, sure, Walter.

Brute force, right?

The prime evil instinct,

all you men know how
to do is seduce women

and beat up children.

You know, that's not
such a bad way of life.

Neither is the circus, Walter.

Oh, you'll be happy to
know that Ringling Brothers

is looking for a man to
work with the elephants.

All you have to
do is walk softly

and carry a big shovel.

(loud thud)

It's Phillip again.

You know, I remember
when I was a kid,

a good spanking now and
then did me a world of good.

There's a wonderful old saying,

it's like the first
proverb of parenthood.

To make a kid act like
an angel on one end,

you gotta beat the devil
out of him on the other.

That's lovely, Walter,

really it's... it's
almost lyrical

and just so I don't
forget it, honey,

I'm gonna write
it down and file it

under beautiful sayings. B.S.

Look, you two,
arguing over Phillip

isn't gonna solve anything.

I'll just have to do
something about his behavior.

Carol, honey, I guarantee you

that by the time you
come back from your trip,

this whole little
problem with Phillip

will be entirely forgotten.

Just a little love
and understanding

from the grandmother he adores,

well, you'll be surprised
what a wonderful

young man you have. Watch.

Phillip, sweetheart, I
have a surprise for you.

You know what we're
gonna do tomorrow?

You're grandma is taking you

to see "The Princess
and the Pea."

Who the hell cares?

Phillip, you come back here

and apologize to
your grandmother.

Where the hell does he
learn language like that?

How the hell do I know?

Well, he can't go around
swearing at his grandmother.

You want me to
handle this, Carol?

Well, maybe you should.

It's obvious I can't.

Hold it, King Kong.

You touch that
child and so help me,

all your friends will
be dressed in black

and driving with
their lights on.

I'm not gonna
let you go in there

and apologize to him
for what he said to you.

Mother, the boy
has to be punished.

We can't let him go
around swearing at people.

All right, all right, all right.

I'll do it Walter's way

since you both insist
on corporal punishment,

I'll... I'll beat the child.

I'll beat him until
he's black and blue.

Phillip, honey.

Sweetheart, as much
as I hate to say this

because of your
behavior, your grandmother

is gonna have to punish you.

Okay, let's get it over with.

Wait a minute, Phillip,
honey, can't we talk this out?

Would you go ahead and spank
me so I can make my sandwich.

Honey, you're really
angry aren't you?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Are you angry enough to scream?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Would you like to scream
and scream and scream?

Oh, boy, would I.

Okay. All right. Come on.

(Phillip screams)

Go ahead, spank me
some more, grandma.

Well, I beat the child.
I hope you're satisfied.

It's breaking my heart.

(Phillip screaming)

Oh, boy, you got one
heck of a reach, Maude.

Thanks a lot.

All right.

Now, Phillip, just
drink your milk,

so you'll grow up to be big
and strong like Mark Spitz.

You'll make a lot of
money on television

for saying you drink milk.

- Mother.
- All right.

All right. I didn't hit him.

I used psychology, good
old-fashioned psychology

and it worked.

I mean, he got rid
of all his hostility

and he's in there now
drinking his milk like a kitten.

I hate milk.

(glass breaks)

Oh, there goes all
his commercial money.

I'll handle it.

Phillip.

Honey, clean it up
like a good little boy.

It's just a little accident.

The glass slipped
out of his hand

and hit the wall.

(doorbell rings)

- Hi, people.
- Oh, hi, Chris.

Hey, I'm sorry, I need a shave.

Have you ever tried
to drive down here

from Boston at 55 miles an hour?

Am I glad to see you.

(glass crunching)

What's that?

You wanna know what that is?

I'll tell you what it is.

- It's the last straw.
- What?

Walter, you lay a hand
on that grandson of mine.

And so help me, it's
the last thing of mine

you'll ever lay a hand on.

Chris, he is impossible.

He is absolutely impossible.

Really?

What have you
been doing, Walter?

Some broken glass
got into the disposal.

- Well, that does it.
- Mother,

that is not an accident
and you know it.

(indistinct chatter)

Hey, hold it!

Look, it's obvious
from what Carol

has been telling
me over the phone

that Phillip has some
little emotional problem,

so why don't you let me
go in and talk to the boy,

after all I'm a pediatrician.

I'm involved with
children all the time.

I understand them.

Oh, of course, honey,

if anybody can
talk to him, you can.

He adores you. Oh, go.

You see, Walter?
Love and understanding.

Now, please put your belt on

before your pants fall down.

I'm in no mood to be reminded

I'm married to a man who
doesn't have matching knees.

Eating a cream cheese
and jelly sandwich, huh?

Boy, I used to love cream
cheese and jelly sandwiches

when I was a kid.

I used to eat them
four times a day,

carried them five
miles to school,

nothing better than
cream cheese and jelly.

They used to call me the
cream cheese and jelly kid.

This is peanut butter and jelly.

I like that more.

Look, Phillip.

I understand you've
been a little unhappy lately.

Care to talk about it?

Good.

Look, you know, you
can tell me, Phillip,

because I'm your buddy, right?

Right.

Hey, hey.

We both have a lot
in common, Carol.

I mean, your mother.

Well, what I mean is,

we both got the same girl.

She's your girl.

Hey, Phillip. I...
hey, pal, buddy.

Hey, listen, pal.

Wait.

You're a jerk.

Well, at least we found
out what's bothering the boy.

He hates me.

Oh, thank God. I
thought it was me.

Come on now, Carol.

Don't be so upset.

So Phillip is jealous of Chris.

- Chris is a pediatrician.
- That's right.

He's a professional,
an authority on children.

- He'll know what to do.
- That's right.

Honey, in a case
like this, Chris,

what is the best thing to do?

Darned if I know.

Hello, folks.

I just came over here
to borrow a flashlight.

Vivian and I decided that
during the energy crisis,

we're gonna turn off
all the lights in the house

for one hour, every night.

Oh, it's in there and you
don't have a flashlight.

Of course, I have a flashlight
but I can't find it, it's dark.

Well, can't Vivian?

I can't find her
either, she's lost.

Arthur, has it ever
occurred to you

that Vivian is not
lost, she's just hiding?

Arthur, forget the flashlight.

We've got a problem.

Yeah, I think that Chris
could use a second opinion.

Arthur, you've been
a doctor a long time,

I need your professional advice.

To put it succinctly,
Phillip just called me a jerk.

Mm-hmm.

You don't say.

The child has had Carol
to himself all these years

and now he obviously
feels he's losing his best girl.

Mm-hmm. You don't say.

You know, Carol, I think
Chris could use a third opinion.

So now the child obviously feels

that he has competition
and he's rebelling.

Well, now, to the best
of your knowledge,

have you ever been
overly demonstrative

in front of the child?

- No.
- No.

Or let us say terribly
severe with him?

- No.
- No.

Or perhaps overly competitive
for his mother's attention?

- No.
- No.

- And yet he called you a jerk?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, considering
all the evidence,

has it possibly occurred to
you that maybe he has a point?

- Arthur.
- Arthur, are you calling
Chris a jerk?

Well, don't blame me, Carol.

Phillip's the one
that brought it up.

Arthur, if they ever
examined your head,

they'd find your brain was
radio controlled by a fly.

This is some time for you
to be kidding about my brain,

you really stepped in the
old quagmire this time, Maude.

It just so happens
that a very influential

medical journal has
asked me to do a paper,

post-nasal drip.

Nature's safety valve.

That sounds wonderful, Arthur.

Next, they'll be offering
you the medical column

in the "Christian
Science Monitor."

Oh, yeah?

Beeswax.

Hey, we better be
running along too, honey.

Hey, listen, the perfect
solution to our problem,

let's take Phillip
along with us.

Oh, no.

Honey, your college
reunion is no place for a child.

Look, maybe you better
just go along without me.

Oh, come on now, Carol.

You cannot let
Phillip run your lives.

You have your time with
him and your time alone.

Besides, he has to learn
to accept these things.

- It's part of growing up.
- But...

Honey, I remember you were
exactly the same as Phillip

when you were eight years old

and I went away
with my fiancé Harry.

Harry?

- Which husband was...
- Walter, Walter, please.

I was just engaged to Harry.

He was definitely not the type

I ever would have married.

One in a million, huh?

I think your mother
is right, Carol.

Phillip has got to learn
to accept our relationship

or we'll never be a real family.

But Chris, I feel so guilty

if I left him when
he's like this.

Carol, honey, you
can solve the problem

when you come back.

I promise to keep Phillip

just as rebellious and hostile

and rotten as he is right now.

Maybe more.

Oh, come on,
honey, stop worrying.

Here he comes, our sunshine boy.

Honey, how about a nice
cheery goodbye for your mom?

Bye.

Goodbye, honey.

I'll see you in a
couple of days, okay?

Be a good boy.

I love you, Phillip.

Honey, don't you think

you should shake
hands with Chris

and say you're sorry
you called him a name?

I'm sorry I called you a name.

He's an angel.

That's okay, Phillip.

I've been called much worse.

I'll bet.

Phillip, I'll call you when
we get there, honey.

- You have a wonderful trip.
- See you in a few days.

See you in a few
days, old buddy.

Old jerk.

I think I'll read a book
before he starts on me.

Ahoy there, matey,

do you use an extra
hand on the poop deck?

No, I can do it myself.

Oh, come on now. Don't be silly.

I'm an expert at this kind
of thing and I love doing it.

Now let's see.

"Cement number 83BH,
the right aft bumpkin,

and number 216, the
right mizzen chain plate

to the hull.

First, making sure
double 4 stays,

numbers 224 are in and
225SM are in position

on 4 Castle Deck."

You do that and I'll glue
the anchor to the chain.

You know, Phillip,

your mother loves you very much.

If she loves me, how come
she didn't take me with her?

Because she also loves Chris,

not the same way she loves you.

And this really
is glue, isn't it?

You see, honey, there's
a different kind of love

between a man and a woman.

A kind of love that makes
them wanna get married

and spend the rest
of their lives together.

If married people are
supposed to spend

the rest of their
lives together,

how come you've
been married four times?

You know, I thought
you'd never ask.

Well, you see, honey,
in your grandma's case,

it's really very simple.

All your grandmother wants
to do is make someone happy.

So first, she married a man
named Barney and made him happy.

And then she married
Chester and made him happy.

And then along came
a man named Albert

whom your grandmother made
happy in just seven months.

What will happen to grandpa
after you make him happy?

Well, honey, now your
grandma really loves grandpa

so he'll never be that happy.

I'm not worried.

You're the one who keeps
talking about Phillip, not me.

Oh, come on, Carol,
all I heard is Phillip

since we got in the car.

- That's not true.
- Come on, Carol.

Did you come in here
to eat or to argue?

Argue.

Oh, then you've
eaten here before.

- Two coffees.
- A wise choice.

Look, honey, if
you're this unhappy,

why don't we just go
back and get the kid?

I am not unhappy.

I'm happy.

I'm the happiest
woman in the world.

I'd be happier if you'd
stop talking about it.

Yeah. That would make
us both happier. (laughing)

Look, Carol, I'd
like to remind you

that I happen to be
an expert on children.

And how many kids do
you unhappy people have?

- One. Chris, you see I...
- Aha, some expert.

- You may be an...
- I got 11.

- Eleven children?
- And one in the oven.

Pass the salt, please.

For coffee?

Wait till you taste it?

Look, honey, I'll give
you one more chance.

Let's go back and bring
Phillip to the reunion.

No. Chris, Phillip's
place is at home.

Besides, why would I wanna
take him on a lousy trip like this?

You know something, Mac?

Your wife is right.

She is not my wife.

Oh, well, there's your
problem right there.

I mean, you gotta
get married first.

No wonder your
kid is ticked off.

You're not much of an expert.

Look, Mac, if you've got
11 kids, I know one thing.

You're not much of
an expert on, either.

Yeah. I know, I know.

I've been meaning to get
one of them vasectomies,

but every time I
save enough money,

we have another kid.

Oh, Chris, just think
what we'd sound like

if we had 11 children.

Hey, come on.

Let's turn back and get Phillip.

Make him know that
he's part of our new family.

Listen, we can drive
up to that old lodge

in New Hampshire
I told you about.

What about your reunion?

Oh, honey.

You and Phillip mean more
to me than any old reunion.

The three of us can
have a wonderful time.

You're very dear.

Listen, I know
Phillip, he's stubborn.

He won't wanna come with us.

I know, I'm positive.

I insist.

You're stubborn too.

I love you.

All right, I'll call mother

and tell her we're coming back.

Okay, Phillip, all
I have to do now

is get your red jacket
and your galoshes

for playing in the snow.

Oh, come on, honey.

They're gonna be
here any minute.

I'm not going.

What do you mean
you're not going?

They don't want me.

If they wanted me along
they would have "tooken" me

in the first place.

Look, you start
that again, Phillip

and I'll tooken you upstairs

and glue you to
your dirty socks.

Honey, come on.

Now, you're gonna
have a marvelous time.

Phillip, you're going to
Laconia, New Hampshire.

- You'll be able to go skiing.
- I hate skiing.

- And tobogganing.
- I hate tobogganing.

But, honey, you've always
loved skiing and tobogganing.

That's how you
break arm and legs.

You wanna break
my arms and legs?

Well...

Of course not.

I'm not going.

I wanna stay here
and finish my boat.

Oh, come on, honey.

You can finish your boat
when you come back.

I don't wanna finish my boat.

I'm not going, I never
want to see my boat again.

All right, Captain
Bligh, over my knee.

- No.
- No?

In the kitchen, you
bent right over my lap.

I know, but you
really mean it this time.

You bet, your baby
bottom I mean it this time.

See? Nobody loves me.

Oh, so that's your trouble?

Nobody loves you?

Let me tell you
something, young man.

Your happiness depends
on only one person, you.

If Phillip is unhappy,

it's because Phillip has
made Phillip unhappy,

but if Phillip
wants to be happy,

only Phillip can make Phillip
happy and nobody else.

Now, what do you
think about that?

Big deal.

You think that's a big deal?

Wait, I'll show you
the whole deck.

Ow ow ow!

Now, look what you made me do.

I never hit you before.

- Grandma, you're crying.
- No, I'm not.

Yes, you are, it's all...

Oh, shut up, you little jerk.

It's okay, Grandma.

It hurt me more
than it hurt you.

You're just saying that
to make me feel better.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Hi, Mom, hi, Chris, I'll
be ready in a minute.

You're kidding,
you're coming with us?

- Sure.
- Of course,

I told you, with a little
love and understanding

you can work miracles.

And guess what, Mom,

grandma just beat
the hell out of me.

Well, listen, sometimes,

in order to make a child
act like an angel on one end

you have to beat the devil
out of him on the other end.

Actually, it's called exorcism.

Hi, Grandma, hi, Grandpa.

Hi, Phillip.

Phillip, good to see you.

I'll go out and help
them with the bags.

Tell me, sweetheart, did
you have a marvelous time

with your mom and Chris?

Did I? Chris took
me skiing, skating.

- Yeah.
- Tobogganing.

He was really
good at all of them.

You see? Now, what
did grandma tell you?

You're right, Grandma,
he's not a bad guy for a jerk.

(music playing)

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"Maude" was recorded on
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♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪