Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 17 - The Wallet - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin',
right on, Maude ♪

♪ I feel pretty, oh, so pretty ♪

♪ I feel pretty and witty ♪

And fat.

Florida, I'll be back
in about 10 minutes.

What are you doing, catching
up on the latest fashions?

Yeah, the thing that really gets
me is the models in these ads.



A thousand dollars
worth of dress

draped over ten pounds of woman.

I guess the editors of "Vogue"
don't know what most men know,

where there is
meat, there's heat.

I'll be right back.

(humming)

If I was one of them
"Vogue" models,

I'd be run out of town for
defamation of skinniness.

(humming)

Florida, I'd be the first
one to agree with you

that plump is beautiful.

But let's face it,

you never gonna make
Lena Horne eat her heart out.

Yeah, but you can't
stop a gal from dreaming.

It's about time you got here.

How do you expect
me to fix dinner so late?

Oh, don't worry about
dinner, it'll be a snap.

I brought a half-pound
of ground chuck

and three packages
of Hamburger Helper.

Oh, Lord, I have 45 minutes

to get to Carl
Hagardy's funeral.

To a funeral?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

- Friend of the family?
- Oh, no, nothing to be sorry
about.

It's nothing personal. He was a
salesman at my real estate office.

This is a business funeral.

A nice guy, the real go-getter,

very big in raw land.

Now, he'll be even bigger.

- Did you bake the brownies?
- Mm-hmm.

Good, I'm gonna take
them to the wake afterwards.

Everybody is bringing something.

Mrs. Hagardy gave me my choice
of brownies, fudge or Irish coffee.

Fr. Monahan has a sweet
tooth and a taste for the grape.

It sounds like a fun funeral.

Oh, by the way, Florida,

there's a wallet in
there with the groceries.

I found it in the parking lot.

"Walter Gilmartin,
1329 Sunflower Lane."

Gilmartin, I know
the Gilmartins.

They joined our club
about five months ago.

She's that near-sighted
nervous little lady

with the pointed ears who
looks like a depressed rabbit.

Yeah, I better call her
and tell her I have it.

Honey, would you
get the number for me?

I'm in a terrible hurry.

(panting)

Oh, Florida, oh,
have we been jogging.

Jogging?

That wasn't jogging,
that was running.

I bet we ran five miles.

Five miles?

How about it was six?

You only left here
three minutes ago.

Six miles in three minutes.

It must be a world record.

Yeah, for telling
little white lies.

Arthur.

Florida, is Maude home yet?

Yep, but not for long.

She's going to a funeral

and they're depending
on her for the brownies.

You always leave
your wallet on the bar?

Of course not.

I left it here when I changed
into my jogging clothes.

Oh, oh.

Walter Gilmartin?

Walter Gilmartin?

Isn't that the new
member at the club?

The one who's
married to Bugs Bunny?

That's the guy.

Did you know he is one of the
great women chasers of all time?

Yeah, while Bugs Bunny's
home nibbling on her carrot,

he's out sowing his oats.

That scrawny little guy?

You'd be scrawny, too.

He doesn't even stop for meals.

The man is Olympic,
Walter, Olympic.

I'm sure the guys down at the locker
room made up a limerick about him.

A remarkable fellow Gilmartin,

from bedroom to
bedroom, he's darting.

The claims that he's claiming
would startle Joe Namath.

His love life is quite
far from Spartan.

Wow. He must be the
world's greatest lover.

- Yeah. Which brings up a rather
interesting question, Walter.
- What?

What's his wallet
doing in your house?

Good heavens, caught red-handed.

I don't know how to
tell you this, Walter,

but I'm having a mad
tempestuous affair with the man.

Thank goodness. For a second
I thought you were a pickpocket.

Well, actually, I found
it in Bohat's parking lot.

Sweetheart, listen. Why won't you
come with me to the Hagardy funeral?

I'm not hungry.

Besides, I never
even met the guy.

Well, last month, when your business
associate, George Hayakawa died,

you insisted that
I go to that funeral

and I'd never met
the man either.

That's different. I mean,
Hayakawa was important.

He was the wholesaler for
all my Japanese toasters.

I know. I kept expecting him
to pop up during the eulogy.

Listen, honey. Since you're
not going to the funeral,

when Mrs. Gilmartin comes
by, see that she gets the wallet.

Mrs. Gilmartin?

You called his wife?
Wrong move, Maudie.

Darn it, Maude. You had
no business calling his wife.

What is this? I do a good deed

and what do I get? Abuse.

Does this make me
look depressed enough?

Maude, don't you
realize that a man's wallet

is one of those little
private corners of his life?

He doesn't want other
people pawing through it.

That is right, Maudie.

My late wife Agnes and I had
an understanding about that.

I kept my wallet
in the nightstand.

She kept her things
in the dresser drawers.

Now, she never
looked in my wallet

and I never looked
in her drawers.

Walter, come on.

Now, if somebody found your
wallet and returned it to me,

you wouldn't care
if I looked through it.

But I would.

Come on now.

No, this is all wrong.

I mean, it's
perfect for a burial

but the fruit doesn't
go with the brownies.

Maude, it's a
matter of principle.

Would you like me
rummaging through your purse?

Oh, Walter, rummage, rummage,

my purse is an open book.

There's nothing in
it I'm ashamed of,

nothing I'd wanna hide from you.

Oh, come on, Maude.

I don't wanna go
rummaging through...

What's this bill
from Bloomingdales?

Don't change the subject.

You see, Maude, you
didn't want Walter to see it.

Now, maybe Mr. Gilmartin
has something in his wallet

he didn't want his wife to see.

Come on, Arthur. Like what?

Well, we happen to
have reason to believe

that Gilmartin may
be horsing around.

Do you know what I mean, Maude?

I always know what
you mean, Arthur.

That's one of the problems
we have in communicating.

Now, you two are
really something.

Here you are sounding off
about privacy and principle

when all you really are, are two
men who were sticking together

to protect another man
who's cheating on his wife.

Do you think this is too
Protestant for a Catholic funeral?

No, I think it's perfect.

It says I care deeply,
but I'm not a relative.

Maude, I don't want
you to be responsible

for breaking up
Gilmartin's marriage.

So, get over to the phone
and call Mrs. Gilmartin

and stop her for coming
over here and that's final.

Yeah, I hope they don't
start that funeral without me.

You see what happens
when you put your foot down?

Hello?

Yeah, this is Maude again.

Yeah, I just heard the nicest
thing about your husband,

remarkable fellow Gilmartin

from bedroom to
bedroom he's starting...

Maude.

Mrs. Gilmartin, I
want to apologize...

"at the tone, the time is 1:17?"

There once was a
man named Findlay

whose brain like
his legs was spindly.

Now, look, Mrs.
Gilmartin gets the wallet,

the subject is closed.

Florida, have you
packed the brownies yet?

And I can't go to the
funeral empty-handed.

(Walter singing)

Why are you singing?

I'm covering for you, come on.

(Walter singing)

Hurry up.

(Walter singing)

I found something.

(Walter singing)

What?

The Gilmartin's live
in New Rochelle, right?

- Yes.
- Get a load of this,

here's a rental receipt for
an apartment in Manhattan

made out to Walter Smith.

Wouldn't you think the guy could
dream up a better name than Smith?

Well, he's got other
things on his mind.

I'll keep this and give it
to him when I see him.

(Arthur singing)

Maudie, we're going over to my
place to look at the football game.

Fine. Oh, Walter, honey,

before you go, I
have a question.

Do you really think that every
man has something to hide?

Not necessarily.

I happen to believe very
strongly in a man's privacy.

Besides, Maude,
everyone has something

he'd rather the rest
of the world didn't see.

Have a nice funeral.

Every man has something
he'd rather the world...

Oh, Florida,

listen, honey, when
Mrs. Gilmartin comes by,

her husband's wallet is
right here in the desk drawer.

- Okay.
- And listen, be very careful

because Mr. Findlay's
wallet is here too.

Ow!

Hi.

Carol, don't you ever
knock before you come in?

In my own home?

Oh, yeah, well, once in
a while, it wouldn't hurt.

Mother, why are you so jumpy

and why are you trying
to hide that wallet?

Carol, children should
be seen and not heard

or even better, not
seen and not heard.

Who's Walter Smith?

Wasn't he the one
who dated Pocahontas?

That was John
Smith, this is Walter.

He rents an apartment
in Manhattan.

Walter Smith?

Carol, this is not
what you're thinking

and I resent your even
letting it cross your mind.

It hasn't crossed my mind.

Then stop it from crossing mine.

Carol, Carol, don't you
know what this means?

My husband is a philanderer.

- Philanderer?
- A philanderer, philanderer,
a...

And they felt they could
throw me off the scent,

a remarkable fellow Gilmartin,

from curtain to
curtain, he's darting

and barking and bursting and
Flasher and Dancer and Vixen.

Mother, do not
do this to yourself.

It must be some mistake.

Walter is the most faithful
husband in the world.

You better trust him.

Trust him?

Please, don't over
dramatize this.

Me, over dramatize?
Don't be silly, Carol,

I never over dramatize.

But you're right,

there must be some mistake.

Walter can't possibly
have rented an apartment

in Manhattan under
an assumed name,

there must be some mistake,

and I'm gonna find out
who she is right now.

Mother.

Me, over dramatize?

(doorbell rings)

(woman) Yes?

Wouldn't you know it,
even her voice is pretty?

Who is it?

It's the injured
party, the fifth...

How the hell do
I know who it is?

This is the first time for me.

Oh, you aren't... You bet I am.

Oh, wait, you better come in.

Please excuse me, I
was just getting ready.

For what?

I'm going out.

You make house calls also?

Sit, sit, please sit.

Oh.

Darn it.

It's so funny how you can look
at an unmade convertible sofa

and your whole life
passes in front of you.

Listen to me, miss,
whatever your name is.

- Norma.
- Norma.

You're always Norma, that's why
I've always hated the name Norma.

Well, let me tell you
something, toots.

There's something that I think
you should know about me.

I am not Joan Crawford
coming to plead with Sandra Dee

to please leave
Walter Pidgeon alone.

I am not going to start
gushing tears and saying,

"Oh, you're so young and pretty
and you can have any man you want

so please give me
back my husband,"

that's not my style.

I'm an old hand at
this marriage business,

so, I'm going to
give it to you straight.

Oh, Norma, you're so young and pretty,
and you can have any man you want.

Please give me back
my husband, please.

You know something,

if you put this much
emotion into your sex life,

you won't be losing
your husband.

You see, I don't
know why he... Time!

Don't get too upset, huh?

He's not worth it.

The truth is your husband

is no great shakes anyway.

That's sick.

Now, that is really sick.

I mean, knocking
the man you share.

Listen, you may be a flashy
blonde, brunette and redhead,

but my Walter knows
that there is more love

and truth and depths
of understanding

in one single highlighted strand
of my salt and pepper head,

did he really tell
you I was frigid?

No, I mean...

I mean, it has to be my
problem with his trick knee but...

Oh, Norma, Norma.

I swear to you, I give that man

- more love, more affection...
- Oh, I'm sure you do.

- Oh, I know.
- More tenderness,

- more understanding.
- I know, I know, I know,
so do I.

I know, I know.

Please, please
stop crying, here.

Listen, I never thought
I tell anyone this,

at least of all his wife,

I haven't even told
my analyst yet but...

Yes, Norma?

He's cheating on me too.

My husband is cheating on you?

Oh, Norma, Norma, Norma.

Oh, how could he do this to me?

Oh, oh, there, there, there.

I understand. You know, dear,

I have a daughter
just about your age.

Oh, come on now,
stop crying, Norma.

Norma, my, what a pretty name.

Come on now,
Norma dear, chin up,

dry those pretty glasses.

And don't you
worry about Walter.

Fate will get even with Walter.

That's me, fate.

Now, Norma dear, you be
strong because believe me,

I am going to take care
of Walter for both of us.

Thank you. Thank
you, Mrs. Gilmartin.

And to think, I gave
up a funeral for this.

Walter, Walter, Walter, Walter.

Oh, hi, Maude.

Here, Walter.

Walter, beat me, beat me.

Beat me with the umbrella.

Don't be ridiculous, Maude.

And what if it breaks
and it rains tomorrow?

Walter, I come to you for punishment
and what do you give me, a quip?

I mean, isn't there enough
humor in this world already?

- Look.
- Oh, Walter, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,

but, Walter, I am
so riddled with guilt.

I've been wondering
around all day

wondering how to
tell you what I did.

I even stopped
in at the funeral.

I had three Irish coffees and
confessed twice to Fr. Monahan.

He loves my hat.

- Look, Maude.
- Shut up, Walter,
and let me confess.

A receipt for Walter
Gilmartin's apartment

dropped out of your wallet
and Walter, I looked at it

and, oh, I'm so ashamed.

I even went to the apartment
and confronted the girl.

Darling, darling, darling,
we all make mistakes.

The important thing is that
we learned from our lesson.

Oh, oh, Walter, Walter,
you're so understanding.

Well, I like to think so,

that's why when Carol
told me what you did,

that you went into town... ow!

You knew?

You let me make a fool
of myself twice in one day?

Walter, isn't it enough that
I have learned my lesson?

What lesson, Maude?

Well, that a woman
should never look

through her husband's wallet

because she's certain
to find something

that'll wreck their marriage.

You think you
learned your lesson?

Oh, you didn't
learn anything at all.

I was talking about
a man's privacy

about everybody's
right to privacy.

Here. I don't have
anything to hide.

Here, look through this,

look through it
all, pour through it.

- Walter.
- Check it for fingerprints,

do any damn thing you want.

Walter, Walter,
you come right back.

Look, if you...

I am not gonna look at
anything you put out on this bar.

Walter, Walter, you know
what I have in my hand?

Do you know what
this is, Walter?

It's your empty wallet, Walter,

as far as I'm concerned,
it's just a piece of leather.

I can turn it inside
out, upside down,

it's still just a piece
of leather that...

Keep your hands out of
that secret compartment.

Too late, Findlay.

A lipstick print,
signed "Jane Russell"?

"Good luck, PFC Findlay"?

Walter, how long have you
been carrying this around?

Twenty-nine years.

Sweetheart, why did you feel
you had to keep it hidden from me?

Because it's embarrassing,

it's stupid, it's
childish, it's dumb,

and very important to me.

I was at the Stage Door Canteen

the night before they
shipped me out to New Jersey.

I was 21 and a
Hollywood movie star

put her lipstick print
on my cocktail doily.

And then, first I kept it because
I loved her, I wanted her,

and then later, it just so
became a good luck charm.

I couldn't throw it away.

I buy a new wallet

and stick Jane
Russell's lips in it.

Maude, promise me
you won't tell anybody.

Oh, sweetheart.

Look, I promise I won't
tell anybody about this

if you don't tell
anybody about this,

you know, the little
scar I have here.

Yeah, from the firecracker.

Billy Goodfield.

Who?

It's a private
corner of my world.

Walter, I was 16 and...

Oh, Billy and I were dancing
at the Totem Pole Lodge

in Norumbega Lake in
Newton, Massachusetts.

Vaughn Monroe and
his Orchestra were there.

♪ Racing with the moon ♪

♪ High up in midnight ♪

That's when Billy started
reaching for the moon.

He tried to kiss me
in the middle of a dip

and I slipped and his braces
caught right here on my shoulder.

It wasn't a firecracker,

it was Billy Hickey, I mean...

Goodfield.

Well, why would
you lie about that for?

Sweetheart, it's
very embarrassing.

I mean, it's a childish and
it's stupid and it's silly, and...

Well, you could've
told that to me.

Oh, why didn't you
tell me about this?

Because that's very personal.

But this is very personal
to me too, Walter.

How do you compare a
kid with pimples and braces

to a Hollywood movie star?

Walter, this is my first love.

(shouting)

Oh, hi, Maude.

Hi honey, what's this?

What?

Oh, that.

Well, oh, that's for Arthur.

And when they delivered it, he
wasn't home so they left it here.

- For Arthur?
- Yeah.

And I happen to know there's
something very personal in it,

so I don't want
you to look into it.

Oh, honey, are you kidding?

After what happened to
me yesterday, believe me,

I wouldn't look into that
box for all the tea in China,

not for all the tea in China.

Hi, Maudie.

That is the rottenest
trick that anybody ever...

How could you do this to me?

Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪