Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 18 - Maude's Revolt - full transcript
Maude is depressed on her birthday, and is surprised by the party Walter throws for her. All Maude wants is for Walter to stay with her instead of going to talk with the men. Walter forgets his promise and Maude leaves her own party.
(music playing)
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
Everything is all set.
(shushing)
Will you shut up?
I mean, you're shushing
too loud, Maude will hear you.
There's got to be absolute quiet
or it'll spoil the surprise party.
- (doorbell rings)
- Shh.
Doorbell, Walter.
She heard it, I knew it.
Now the party is ruined.
No, no, Walter, it isn't.
Don't get hysterical.
Mother doesn't
know anybody's here.
But she heard
the doorbell, Carol.
She heard... there it is again.
Arthur, I told you
not to ring the bell.
No, you said I shouldn't knock.
Shh.
Did I just hear Arthur, Walter?
Yes, Maude.
He just came over to...
To borrow some garbage.
I just got a new disposal.
I want to see how it works.
Arthur, that's the most
asinine excuse I ever heard.
I must say I agree with, Walter.
Thanks for the garbage, Maude.
Anytime, Arthur.
Never try to top a doctor
when it comes to excuses.
Where's the birthday
girl? What she doing?
She's upstairs getting dressed.
Maude thinks we're going to
spend her birthday at the Kruptons.
Oh, hi, Kruptons.
(shushing)
- Hiya, Kruptons.
- Hiya, Arthur.
(shushing)
Okay. Okay, okay.
Now everybody is here.
I'll go up and bring Maude down.
Wait a minute, Walter.
We got to have a signal.
Just before you bring
Maude down yell,
"Vaya con dios."
What?
It's Spanish for go with God.
Why should I yell go
with God in Spanish?
It will sound ridiculous
if you yelled it in English.
(shushing)
Come on, Maude. Finish your
makeup and let's get out of here.
Oh, Walter. Walter at my age
why do I have to
have another birthday?
Oh, Maude.
Don't be depressed,
you look beautiful.
I do, don't I?
Now, I supposed
actually I should be thrilled,
I mean, here I am 46 I
don't look a day over 41.
Sweetheart, you're 48.
Then I don't look a day over 43.
(clattering)
- What is that?
- That...
That must be Carol
and Chris fooling around.
Carol, is that you and
Chris fooling around?
Yes, Walter.
That's me and
Chris fooling around.
See?
Well, I wish they'd fool
around with each other
and keep their hands
off of my crystals.
Oh, honey, listen.
Since it is my birthday, Walter,
will you promise me something?
Of course, sweetheart, what?
Honey, tonight for a change.
Will you talk to me?
Will you stay with me?
- Will you devote all
your attention to me?
- Oh, Maude...
No, Walter, every
time we go to a party,
the men end up on one side of the
room and the women on the other.
Honey, tonight, talk to me.
Stay with me, Walter.
Okay. Maude, I won't
move from your side all night.
Anything your
little heart desires.
Walter, dear, I'd like to point
out to you that is not my heart.
And since we're pointing
things out, Maude.
It's not little either.
Maude, vaya con dios.
Walter, why are you yelling like
Desi Arnaz getting a tooth pulled?
Well, just in case Carol and
Chris are fooling around downstairs,
vaya con dios.
Walter, there's not a
sound from downstairs
if they're fooling around, they're not
fooling around, they're deadly serious.
Hide. Hide everyone.
Kruptons, Kruptons.
Kruptons, over here.
I warn you, Walter.
I'm gonna hold
you to your promise.
Now if you go off with
jerky George Krupton tonight
and leave me alone
with that dog wife of his,
so help me, I'm gonna hang
myself in the living room.
Surprise!
George Krupton, you old darling.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, dear Maude ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ I knew all the time ♪
♪ I knew all the time ♪
I knew you were here.
I knew you were all here.
That's why I was teasing you.
Jerky George Krupton.
(laughing)
- Happy birthday, Maude.
- Oh, thank you.
This is one of the
nicest near surprises
I've ever had on my birthday.
Honey, what I wanted
was to be with my family
and my dearest and warmest
and closest friends.
I don't believe we've met.
Maude, these are the Stillwells.
- Harriet and Harvey Stillwell,
you know, minicomputers?
- Oh.
And since they were in town I thought
they might enjoy coming to the party.
Oh well, welcome to my
birthday party, Harriet and Harvey.
Mother, mother? Look. Come on.
Will you look at
all those presents.
- Oh.
- Open this one first.
It's a little surprise
from me to you, Maudie.
Thank you, Arthur.
Oh, just what I've
always wanted.
Geriatrics can be fun.
(laughing)
Oh, with a special
introduction by Euell Gibbons.
Oh, I get it, Arthur.
I'm to memorize
every word in the book
and then eat the binder.
(laughing)
That's a good one, Maudie.
Which reminds me,
hey, fellas, come here.
Did you hear what happened
to the Italian girl swimmer
that won at the Olympics?
She became a
streetwalker in Venice.
You get it, a streetwalker
with a waterway.
Arthur, I heard a
good one the other day.
Ah, yoo-hoo, Walter.
Yoo-hoo, Maude.
Walter? Walter,
Remember in the bedroom.
Bedroom? Are you kidding?
Oh, Maude.
The missus and I had brought
you a little something too.
Oh well, thank you, Harvey.
- What is it?
- I love it.
- Look.
- A minicomputer.
Maude, you don't understand
about minicomputers.
- It multiplies...
- Divides, subtracts,
Adds divides and has
numbers into the thousands...
- all in a split second.
- all in a matter
of seconds.
- Thank you, Walter.
- Oh.
Maude, now you can figure
out how old you really are.
Thank you, Vivian.
But I don't need a
computer for that.
It's your age minus two.
This is fun, you know.
Oh mother, I can use that to
balance my bank statement.
- Oh, the household...
- That's a pretty unique
little gizmo.
Oh, it's a great gadget
for the businessman, Chris.
Excuse me, sweetheart.
I mean, call out
any number you like
and I'll show you what this
little beauty can really do.
Okay.
1,500 divided by 4 ...plus 785
divided by 5.
- Minus 72.
- Mm-hmm. There you go.
- 160, right?
- Right.
Even if it's wrong
it sure is fast.
Walter, dear, excuse me.
But may I see
you in the kitchen?
Why, what's in the kitchen?
All hell, Walter and it's
about to break loose.
This is the way you're going to
stay by me during my birthday?
- Oh, Maude.
- Walter, if you've been
on the army
it would have been
shot for desertion.
Maude, be reasonable
all I did was...
Was leave me after
the first half minute.
Oh, come on,
Maude. The one time...
One time, you
do this all the time.
Like the other night when we went
to the movies with Arthur and Vivian.
You and Arthur sat together
and Vivian and I sat behind you.
When I sit with Arthur,
I get more popcorn.
That just shows how
you've changed, Walter.
Before we were married
and we went to the movies,
your hands were everywhere,
but never in my popcorn.
Maude, let's not stand in here arguing,
there's a party going on in there...
Two parties, Walter. One for
the men and one for the women.
All right. All right.
For the rest of the evening, I
will not move from your side.
I promise.
Thank you.
You know, honey, you may
even learn to enjoy my company.
More hors d'oeuvre.
Here, Carol, honey, try
one of these little green ones.
What's so special
about the green ones?
They're the ones we
always have left over.
The poor thing, she
had an awful time,
- but you know the baby
was three weeks late.
- No.
Oh, she developed this
awful pressure on her spleen.
- Edith Hassell, right?
- Who else?
And now only that but
while she was in the hospital
she got these awful
boils all over her bottom,
the size of bowling balls.
You know her, Walter?
I don't think I do.
Delicious.
Well, it was worst
than having a baby.
- But Walter would know,
hey, Walter.
- What?
About the energy crisis.
Which uses the most energy,
an electric toothbrush
or electric clock?
A toothbrush uses seven
watts an hour, a clock only two.
Maybe we'll have to start
brushing our teeth with our clocks.
She's all well again.
I'm pregnant again.
That's a lot of bunk. Walter.
What is it?
What is it, guys?
I say the energy crisis is blown all
out of proportion by the oil companies.
Arthur believes every
word that they say.
Why should the
oil companies lie?
They've got all
money in the world.
Maybe they wanna
raise the price of gasoline.
The crisis is serious, Walter.
Otherwise the president wouldn't
have turned down his thermostat
to 68 when he went
down to Key Biscayne.
The poor man was
freezing down there,
in Florida, but did
he turn up his heat?
Of course not, he
flew out to California.
Arthur, since
you're so patriotic,
how come you're still
driving that big eight-cylinder?
Well, I have to. It's
part of my image.
I mean, would you trust a
surgeon that drove a Volkswagen?
What about your
car? It's foreign.
That's one of the reasons
General Motors is going broke.
Arthur, Walter's car gets
20 to 22 miles per gallon.
Maude, please, when
it comes to automobiles,
you're not too
much of an authority.
Arthur, my car gets
20 to 22 miles per galloon.
And that's in town.
On the parkway,
it gets 27, 20...
Listen? You believe everything
that comes out of Washington.
You know, I don't
understand you, Walter.
If you have no faith
in this government
why don't you go back
where you came from?
I can't, I came from Washington.
This is not Washington
propaganda, Walter.
Does it not strike
you as strange
the oil companies
now want higher prices
and repaying their depletion allowance
and quieted the environmentalists?
- What are you doing?
- Oh, well here, Carol, here.
- I'm hanging myself.
- Oh, Maude.
- Now, what's going on here?
- You're hanging yourself?
No. The only way I can get
Walter to pay any attention to me
is to hang myself.
I know this is a joke,
but if that stool slips,
you're going to
ruin your facelift.
Believe me, both of
you, this is no joke.
- Walter, dear, look at me.
- I don't care what you say,
Arthur.
- Walter? Sweetheart?
- You get your information from
these conservative columnists.
- Hey, Walter, darling.
- Where do you get yours from? "Pravda"?
- I read the "New York Times."
- It's the same thing.
Goodbye. Goodbye.
I'm hanging myself.
Oh, that's nice,
Maude. Have fun.
(sobs)
(Walter) Okay, everybody, have yourself
another drink and enjoy yourselves.
You know my wife. She'll do
anything for a laugh, even hang herself.
(laughing)
Okay. Maude, what the hell
do you think you're doing?
Hello, master.
I'm playing solitaire.
Let's see, queen kneels
at the foot of the king.
Maude, the guests
are all waiting.
Oh, you go, master.
I'll keep the incense
burning up here in your tower.
Maude, what do you want from me?
You know what might be nice,
a eunuch outside the door.
Maude.
Walter, don't bore yourself
talking to me, a mere woman.
Look when you desire my
services simply ring this bell.
One tinkle will suffice.
I'm not gonna
ring any silly bell.
Maude, this is going far enough.
How can you be this angry
just because I have a little
conversation with the fellas?
I'm asleep.
Damn it, Maude. Talk to
me, I am your husband.
Maude? Do you hear me?
Is it time, master?
Your every wish is my command.
Maude, will you
get off that bed?
Whatever you choose, master.
Would you like
me on the dresser?
Maude? You listen to me.
Well, Walter, I'm waiting.
You're my dingdong
daddy from Dumas.
Oh, for crying out loud, Maude.
So I talk to men at parties,
is that such a crime?
Oh come on, now,
Walter, be honest.
Men love men and
only tolerate women.
It's always been that way.
Hamlet said, "I
love thee, Horatio."
He said I love
thee to all the men.
What did he say to the
only woman in the crowd?
Get thee to a nunnery.
Maude, for the last time
get thee down to our guests.
Okay. Forget it.
You wanna stay up
here and sulk like a child.
I'm gonna go
downstairs and enjoy
a nice warm
friendly conversation
with people who know
how to act like adults.
(shouting)
Maude, come on down.
The men and women
are talking to each other.
(whistles) Listen, everybody.
Maude's just not
feeling very well and...
Oh, what am I saying?
Maude feels fine,
she's just sore and she
doesn't want to come down.
Well, I don't blame her, the way you men
leave us women out of the conversation.
Oh, come off it, Carol.
The only reason men
prefer to talk to men is that...
Well, let's face it, we don't
see each other all week
and we can talk to you,
women any old time.
Oh, I don't believe
you said that, Arthur.
Arthur, the next time you wanna
test your garbage disposal, talk to it.
That's wonderful. The next
time talk to your garbage disposal.
(whistles)
Come on, let's not argue.
The important thing is
we get Maude down here
so she can enjoy her
own surprise party.
I have got a terrific idea,
guaranteed to get
Maude down here.
Now, we will all holler, fire.
- Oh, come on,
Arthur. You crazy...
Come on, please, trust
me. I guarantee it'll work.
Please. Once altogether now.
One, two, three.
Fire!
You guarantee it'll
work, huh, Arthur?
Well, maybe she didn't
hear it, just a minute.
Maude, fire!
Very funny, Maudie.
Vivian, we're going home.
Oh no, please, don't
go, Arthur. Please.
You'll ruin the party.
I'll tell you what, Arthur.
I'll buy you a new suit.
Oh, no, no, no, we'll
stay, won't we, Arthur?
- Come on.
- Well, all right.
Thirty-eight long. You
must have some trousers.
It's no use.
We'll just never
get her down here.
Oh, no, Walter. Listen, listen.
The one thing mother can't stand
is to be left out when people
are having a good time.
Now if we all pretend like
we're having fun she'll...
- Carol?
- Walter, listen to me.
I know my mother.
I lived with her over 28 years,
she can't resist
joining in on the fun.
That's right. Why else would she
have gotten married four times?
Listen, Walter.
We've got to try it, we've
tried everything else.
What have you got to lose?
Well, let's try it. What
have we got to lose?
George, come here.
You're a good laugher.
You got a great laugh.
Stand over here and
laugh up the stairs
and keep it up until
Maude gets down here.
But I can only laugh when
something strikes me funny.
(laughing)
Did you see that?
(all laughing)
Come on, everybody, dance.
Make it a party, come on!
(dance music playing)
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
Listen, everybody if we really
wanna bring Maude downstairs,
we'll not gonna do
with rock and roll,
but if there's one thing she
could never resist, it's the conga.
Arthur, remember the...
La, la, da, da, hey!
La, la, da, da, da, hey!
Mr. Krupton, just
stand there and laugh.
Okay. (laughing)
Look, everybody, who's here.
Walter, is there
room for one more?
Welcome to the party, Maude.
Oh, thank you, honey.
And, you know,
something you are right.
I was behaving like a child.
How do you like
that? She fell for it.
Fell for it? You mean...
You mean this was
just a cheap trick
to get me down?
Wait a minute, Maude, okay.
It was a cheap trick
to get you down here
and I left you alone,
but I said I was sorry but
that's not good enough for you.
Who do you think arranged this
party with all these beautiful people?
Truman Capote?
Or who do you think
left work two hours early
and went through
the rain and the snow
just to buy a birthday gift
I thought you might like?
And who do you...
What am I saying?
I said, I wouldn't
leave your side
and I blew it.
I really am sorry, sweetheart.
Oh, Walter, thank you.
Thank you.
That's what I wanted
to hear you say.
Walter, the only thing
in this world I want
is to be with you every minute.
Happy birthday, Maude.
Honey, let's open it together.
What did you get her,
Walt? What did you get her?
Oh, wow.
It's so gorgeous.
Oh, darling, how
can I ever thank you?
Serves me right for asking
such a stupid question.
Come, girls. Look at this.
Isn't he just like a man?
They gave us something, it
takes us one minute to put on
and ten seconds
for them to take off.
Well, to them we're
still just sex objects.
That was exactly what I was
telling you about that article.
Yoo-hoo, Maude.
Oh, uh, yoo-hoo, Maude.
Remember in the bedroom?
I'll be with you
in a minute, dear.
Here we are, Maude.
Maude, you're 48
years old tonight.
Just think in two more years
you'll be half a century.
Go ahead, Maude.
Make a wish.
What do you know?
My wish came true.
(music playing)
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
"Maude" was recorded on
tape before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
Everything is all set.
(shushing)
Will you shut up?
I mean, you're shushing
too loud, Maude will hear you.
There's got to be absolute quiet
or it'll spoil the surprise party.
- (doorbell rings)
- Shh.
Doorbell, Walter.
She heard it, I knew it.
Now the party is ruined.
No, no, Walter, it isn't.
Don't get hysterical.
Mother doesn't
know anybody's here.
But she heard
the doorbell, Carol.
She heard... there it is again.
Arthur, I told you
not to ring the bell.
No, you said I shouldn't knock.
Shh.
Did I just hear Arthur, Walter?
Yes, Maude.
He just came over to...
To borrow some garbage.
I just got a new disposal.
I want to see how it works.
Arthur, that's the most
asinine excuse I ever heard.
I must say I agree with, Walter.
Thanks for the garbage, Maude.
Anytime, Arthur.
Never try to top a doctor
when it comes to excuses.
Where's the birthday
girl? What she doing?
She's upstairs getting dressed.
Maude thinks we're going to
spend her birthday at the Kruptons.
Oh, hi, Kruptons.
(shushing)
- Hiya, Kruptons.
- Hiya, Arthur.
(shushing)
Okay. Okay, okay.
Now everybody is here.
I'll go up and bring Maude down.
Wait a minute, Walter.
We got to have a signal.
Just before you bring
Maude down yell,
"Vaya con dios."
What?
It's Spanish for go with God.
Why should I yell go
with God in Spanish?
It will sound ridiculous
if you yelled it in English.
(shushing)
Come on, Maude. Finish your
makeup and let's get out of here.
Oh, Walter. Walter at my age
why do I have to
have another birthday?
Oh, Maude.
Don't be depressed,
you look beautiful.
I do, don't I?
Now, I supposed
actually I should be thrilled,
I mean, here I am 46 I
don't look a day over 41.
Sweetheart, you're 48.
Then I don't look a day over 43.
(clattering)
- What is that?
- That...
That must be Carol
and Chris fooling around.
Carol, is that you and
Chris fooling around?
Yes, Walter.
That's me and
Chris fooling around.
See?
Well, I wish they'd fool
around with each other
and keep their hands
off of my crystals.
Oh, honey, listen.
Since it is my birthday, Walter,
will you promise me something?
Of course, sweetheart, what?
Honey, tonight for a change.
Will you talk to me?
Will you stay with me?
- Will you devote all
your attention to me?
- Oh, Maude...
No, Walter, every
time we go to a party,
the men end up on one side of the
room and the women on the other.
Honey, tonight, talk to me.
Stay with me, Walter.
Okay. Maude, I won't
move from your side all night.
Anything your
little heart desires.
Walter, dear, I'd like to point
out to you that is not my heart.
And since we're pointing
things out, Maude.
It's not little either.
Maude, vaya con dios.
Walter, why are you yelling like
Desi Arnaz getting a tooth pulled?
Well, just in case Carol and
Chris are fooling around downstairs,
vaya con dios.
Walter, there's not a
sound from downstairs
if they're fooling around, they're not
fooling around, they're deadly serious.
Hide. Hide everyone.
Kruptons, Kruptons.
Kruptons, over here.
I warn you, Walter.
I'm gonna hold
you to your promise.
Now if you go off with
jerky George Krupton tonight
and leave me alone
with that dog wife of his,
so help me, I'm gonna hang
myself in the living room.
Surprise!
George Krupton, you old darling.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, dear Maude ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ I knew all the time ♪
♪ I knew all the time ♪
I knew you were here.
I knew you were all here.
That's why I was teasing you.
Jerky George Krupton.
(laughing)
- Happy birthday, Maude.
- Oh, thank you.
This is one of the
nicest near surprises
I've ever had on my birthday.
Honey, what I wanted
was to be with my family
and my dearest and warmest
and closest friends.
I don't believe we've met.
Maude, these are the Stillwells.
- Harriet and Harvey Stillwell,
you know, minicomputers?
- Oh.
And since they were in town I thought
they might enjoy coming to the party.
Oh well, welcome to my
birthday party, Harriet and Harvey.
Mother, mother? Look. Come on.
Will you look at
all those presents.
- Oh.
- Open this one first.
It's a little surprise
from me to you, Maudie.
Thank you, Arthur.
Oh, just what I've
always wanted.
Geriatrics can be fun.
(laughing)
Oh, with a special
introduction by Euell Gibbons.
Oh, I get it, Arthur.
I'm to memorize
every word in the book
and then eat the binder.
(laughing)
That's a good one, Maudie.
Which reminds me,
hey, fellas, come here.
Did you hear what happened
to the Italian girl swimmer
that won at the Olympics?
She became a
streetwalker in Venice.
You get it, a streetwalker
with a waterway.
Arthur, I heard a
good one the other day.
Ah, yoo-hoo, Walter.
Yoo-hoo, Maude.
Walter? Walter,
Remember in the bedroom.
Bedroom? Are you kidding?
Oh, Maude.
The missus and I had brought
you a little something too.
Oh well, thank you, Harvey.
- What is it?
- I love it.
- Look.
- A minicomputer.
Maude, you don't understand
about minicomputers.
- It multiplies...
- Divides, subtracts,
Adds divides and has
numbers into the thousands...
- all in a split second.
- all in a matter
of seconds.
- Thank you, Walter.
- Oh.
Maude, now you can figure
out how old you really are.
Thank you, Vivian.
But I don't need a
computer for that.
It's your age minus two.
This is fun, you know.
Oh mother, I can use that to
balance my bank statement.
- Oh, the household...
- That's a pretty unique
little gizmo.
Oh, it's a great gadget
for the businessman, Chris.
Excuse me, sweetheart.
I mean, call out
any number you like
and I'll show you what this
little beauty can really do.
Okay.
1,500 divided by 4 ...plus 785
divided by 5.
- Minus 72.
- Mm-hmm. There you go.
- 160, right?
- Right.
Even if it's wrong
it sure is fast.
Walter, dear, excuse me.
But may I see
you in the kitchen?
Why, what's in the kitchen?
All hell, Walter and it's
about to break loose.
This is the way you're going to
stay by me during my birthday?
- Oh, Maude.
- Walter, if you've been
on the army
it would have been
shot for desertion.
Maude, be reasonable
all I did was...
Was leave me after
the first half minute.
Oh, come on,
Maude. The one time...
One time, you
do this all the time.
Like the other night when we went
to the movies with Arthur and Vivian.
You and Arthur sat together
and Vivian and I sat behind you.
When I sit with Arthur,
I get more popcorn.
That just shows how
you've changed, Walter.
Before we were married
and we went to the movies,
your hands were everywhere,
but never in my popcorn.
Maude, let's not stand in here arguing,
there's a party going on in there...
Two parties, Walter. One for
the men and one for the women.
All right. All right.
For the rest of the evening, I
will not move from your side.
I promise.
Thank you.
You know, honey, you may
even learn to enjoy my company.
More hors d'oeuvre.
Here, Carol, honey, try
one of these little green ones.
What's so special
about the green ones?
They're the ones we
always have left over.
The poor thing, she
had an awful time,
- but you know the baby
was three weeks late.
- No.
Oh, she developed this
awful pressure on her spleen.
- Edith Hassell, right?
- Who else?
And now only that but
while she was in the hospital
she got these awful
boils all over her bottom,
the size of bowling balls.
You know her, Walter?
I don't think I do.
Delicious.
Well, it was worst
than having a baby.
- But Walter would know,
hey, Walter.
- What?
About the energy crisis.
Which uses the most energy,
an electric toothbrush
or electric clock?
A toothbrush uses seven
watts an hour, a clock only two.
Maybe we'll have to start
brushing our teeth with our clocks.
She's all well again.
I'm pregnant again.
That's a lot of bunk. Walter.
What is it?
What is it, guys?
I say the energy crisis is blown all
out of proportion by the oil companies.
Arthur believes every
word that they say.
Why should the
oil companies lie?
They've got all
money in the world.
Maybe they wanna
raise the price of gasoline.
The crisis is serious, Walter.
Otherwise the president wouldn't
have turned down his thermostat
to 68 when he went
down to Key Biscayne.
The poor man was
freezing down there,
in Florida, but did
he turn up his heat?
Of course not, he
flew out to California.
Arthur, since
you're so patriotic,
how come you're still
driving that big eight-cylinder?
Well, I have to. It's
part of my image.
I mean, would you trust a
surgeon that drove a Volkswagen?
What about your
car? It's foreign.
That's one of the reasons
General Motors is going broke.
Arthur, Walter's car gets
20 to 22 miles per gallon.
Maude, please, when
it comes to automobiles,
you're not too
much of an authority.
Arthur, my car gets
20 to 22 miles per galloon.
And that's in town.
On the parkway,
it gets 27, 20...
Listen? You believe everything
that comes out of Washington.
You know, I don't
understand you, Walter.
If you have no faith
in this government
why don't you go back
where you came from?
I can't, I came from Washington.
This is not Washington
propaganda, Walter.
Does it not strike
you as strange
the oil companies
now want higher prices
and repaying their depletion allowance
and quieted the environmentalists?
- What are you doing?
- Oh, well here, Carol, here.
- I'm hanging myself.
- Oh, Maude.
- Now, what's going on here?
- You're hanging yourself?
No. The only way I can get
Walter to pay any attention to me
is to hang myself.
I know this is a joke,
but if that stool slips,
you're going to
ruin your facelift.
Believe me, both of
you, this is no joke.
- Walter, dear, look at me.
- I don't care what you say,
Arthur.
- Walter? Sweetheart?
- You get your information from
these conservative columnists.
- Hey, Walter, darling.
- Where do you get yours from? "Pravda"?
- I read the "New York Times."
- It's the same thing.
Goodbye. Goodbye.
I'm hanging myself.
Oh, that's nice,
Maude. Have fun.
(sobs)
(Walter) Okay, everybody, have yourself
another drink and enjoy yourselves.
You know my wife. She'll do
anything for a laugh, even hang herself.
(laughing)
Okay. Maude, what the hell
do you think you're doing?
Hello, master.
I'm playing solitaire.
Let's see, queen kneels
at the foot of the king.
Maude, the guests
are all waiting.
Oh, you go, master.
I'll keep the incense
burning up here in your tower.
Maude, what do you want from me?
You know what might be nice,
a eunuch outside the door.
Maude.
Walter, don't bore yourself
talking to me, a mere woman.
Look when you desire my
services simply ring this bell.
One tinkle will suffice.
I'm not gonna
ring any silly bell.
Maude, this is going far enough.
How can you be this angry
just because I have a little
conversation with the fellas?
I'm asleep.
Damn it, Maude. Talk to
me, I am your husband.
Maude? Do you hear me?
Is it time, master?
Your every wish is my command.
Maude, will you
get off that bed?
Whatever you choose, master.
Would you like
me on the dresser?
Maude? You listen to me.
Well, Walter, I'm waiting.
You're my dingdong
daddy from Dumas.
Oh, for crying out loud, Maude.
So I talk to men at parties,
is that such a crime?
Oh come on, now,
Walter, be honest.
Men love men and
only tolerate women.
It's always been that way.
Hamlet said, "I
love thee, Horatio."
He said I love
thee to all the men.
What did he say to the
only woman in the crowd?
Get thee to a nunnery.
Maude, for the last time
get thee down to our guests.
Okay. Forget it.
You wanna stay up
here and sulk like a child.
I'm gonna go
downstairs and enjoy
a nice warm
friendly conversation
with people who know
how to act like adults.
(shouting)
Maude, come on down.
The men and women
are talking to each other.
(whistles) Listen, everybody.
Maude's just not
feeling very well and...
Oh, what am I saying?
Maude feels fine,
she's just sore and she
doesn't want to come down.
Well, I don't blame her, the way you men
leave us women out of the conversation.
Oh, come off it, Carol.
The only reason men
prefer to talk to men is that...
Well, let's face it, we don't
see each other all week
and we can talk to you,
women any old time.
Oh, I don't believe
you said that, Arthur.
Arthur, the next time you wanna
test your garbage disposal, talk to it.
That's wonderful. The next
time talk to your garbage disposal.
(whistles)
Come on, let's not argue.
The important thing is
we get Maude down here
so she can enjoy her
own surprise party.
I have got a terrific idea,
guaranteed to get
Maude down here.
Now, we will all holler, fire.
- Oh, come on,
Arthur. You crazy...
Come on, please, trust
me. I guarantee it'll work.
Please. Once altogether now.
One, two, three.
Fire!
You guarantee it'll
work, huh, Arthur?
Well, maybe she didn't
hear it, just a minute.
Maude, fire!
Very funny, Maudie.
Vivian, we're going home.
Oh no, please, don't
go, Arthur. Please.
You'll ruin the party.
I'll tell you what, Arthur.
I'll buy you a new suit.
Oh, no, no, no, we'll
stay, won't we, Arthur?
- Come on.
- Well, all right.
Thirty-eight long. You
must have some trousers.
It's no use.
We'll just never
get her down here.
Oh, no, Walter. Listen, listen.
The one thing mother can't stand
is to be left out when people
are having a good time.
Now if we all pretend like
we're having fun she'll...
- Carol?
- Walter, listen to me.
I know my mother.
I lived with her over 28 years,
she can't resist
joining in on the fun.
That's right. Why else would she
have gotten married four times?
Listen, Walter.
We've got to try it, we've
tried everything else.
What have you got to lose?
Well, let's try it. What
have we got to lose?
George, come here.
You're a good laugher.
You got a great laugh.
Stand over here and
laugh up the stairs
and keep it up until
Maude gets down here.
But I can only laugh when
something strikes me funny.
(laughing)
Did you see that?
(all laughing)
Come on, everybody, dance.
Make it a party, come on!
(dance music playing)
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
Listen, everybody if we really
wanna bring Maude downstairs,
we'll not gonna do
with rock and roll,
but if there's one thing she
could never resist, it's the conga.
Arthur, remember the...
La, la, da, da, hey!
La, la, da, da, da, hey!
Mr. Krupton, just
stand there and laugh.
Okay. (laughing)
Look, everybody, who's here.
Walter, is there
room for one more?
Welcome to the party, Maude.
Oh, thank you, honey.
And, you know,
something you are right.
I was behaving like a child.
How do you like
that? She fell for it.
Fell for it? You mean...
You mean this was
just a cheap trick
to get me down?
Wait a minute, Maude, okay.
It was a cheap trick
to get you down here
and I left you alone,
but I said I was sorry but
that's not good enough for you.
Who do you think arranged this
party with all these beautiful people?
Truman Capote?
Or who do you think
left work two hours early
and went through
the rain and the snow
just to buy a birthday gift
I thought you might like?
And who do you...
What am I saying?
I said, I wouldn't
leave your side
and I blew it.
I really am sorry, sweetheart.
Oh, Walter, thank you.
Thank you.
That's what I wanted
to hear you say.
Walter, the only thing
in this world I want
is to be with you every minute.
Happy birthday, Maude.
Honey, let's open it together.
What did you get her,
Walt? What did you get her?
Oh, wow.
It's so gorgeous.
Oh, darling, how
can I ever thank you?
Serves me right for asking
such a stupid question.
Come, girls. Look at this.
Isn't he just like a man?
They gave us something, it
takes us one minute to put on
and ten seconds
for them to take off.
Well, to them we're
still just sex objects.
That was exactly what I was
telling you about that article.
Yoo-hoo, Maude.
Oh, uh, yoo-hoo, Maude.
Remember in the bedroom?
I'll be with you
in a minute, dear.
Here we are, Maude.
Maude, you're 48
years old tonight.
Just think in two more years
you'll be half a century.
Go ahead, Maude.
Make a wish.
What do you know?
My wish came true.
(music playing)
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
"Maude" was recorded on
tape before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪