Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 16 - Maude's Guest - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

Ow, ow, ow.

Who's yelling?
You or the chicken?

Oh, Florida, I
burned myself twice,

the chicken's greasy.

Let's face it, I'm
a rotten cook.



Don't worry about it, honey.

With your looks, when a man
asks what's cooking tonight,

he ain't thinking
about fried chicken.

- Come here.
- What?

Do me a favor and try that.

Oh, it looks like fried chicken,

smells like fried chicken, Mmmm.

Any suggestions?

Yep, call Colonel Sanders.

Oh, serves mother
right for making me cook.

Where is she, anyway?

Oh, doing last minute
shopping for more decoration.

- Again?
- Mm-hmm.

The way she's
fixing up that room,

you'd think she was
expecting the Queen of England

for a two-week visit instead
of a little girl from the ghetto.

Right.

Now, about your chicken, honey.

Before you roll
it in the batter...

Florida, why are you here.

Florida, stop jiving with
Carol and give me a hand.

Stop jiving?

The ghetto kid ain't even
here yet, and already,

your mother sounds
like Chubby Checker.

- (Maude) Florida.
- Coming.

Oh, Florida, I'm so
excited, look what I got,

just perfect for a
little black girl's room.

Look, records, stuffed animals,

you'll notice the
color of the puppy.

And here is the
piece de resistance,

a poster of Isaac Hayes.

They say that John
Denver is very big now too,

but unfortunately, he's white.

Oh, poor devil.

Florida, with us, you
know, here we are,

the first family to
take a minority child

to stay with us over
the school vacation.

With us leading
the way, Florida,

this entire white
neighborhood will very soon

be sprinkled with little
black faces like flowers.

Yeah. Up to now,
I've been the only one.

A lonely little petunia
in an onion patch.

Hello, Walter.

Hi-ya, baby.

Hey, Walter, you know,
with the energy crisis,

you're the only one who doesn't
seem to be having any problem.

You getting oil from the Arabs?

Hi, Grandpa.

Hi, Phillip.

Grandma, who stole
my record player?

Phillip, nobody stole
your record player.

Grandma put it
in the guest room.

But it's my record player.

Honey, we know it's
your record player,

but we want our guest
to be happy, don't we?

Not necessarily.

Phillip, dear.

Phillip, you know,

with that girl living here

in the house with us,

we will learn more about her,

she will learn more about us,

and that will make for
better understanding

and a better world.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I don't get my
record player back.

Phillip, what doth
the north wind do?

Blow.

Right, Phillip, blow.

Go on in the kitchen
and help your mother

blot her greasy chicken.

Maude, sweetheart,
you're pushing.

Don't expect too much
when this girl gets here.

Oh, me, push?

Walter, come on, you know

I can handle anything.

Now, if there's anyone
who can deal unemotionally

with a little child
from the ghetto, it's...

(doorbell ringing)

She's here.

She's here, Florida,

Florida, Carol, Walter.

Maude, stop being
so unemotional.

Knock it off, Walter.

Now, listen, listen,

her name is Francie Porter,

or Potter, or
something like that.

Now look, no matter
how nervous you are,

remember, it is nothing,

nothing compared to the way

this poor,
terrified child feels.

You know, reaching
out desperately

for compassion
and understanding.

Don't tell me, you're...

Little Black Riding Hood.

Do you have a phone here?

A phone? Yes, right
over here on the...

You know, that's a long
walk from the bus stop,

I likely froze my butt off.

Yes.

Well, welcome to our
home, Francie Porter.

It's Potter.

Well, Potter,
Porter, you're here,

and that's what's
important, isn't it?

Right on?

Hello, who's this?

Malcolm? This is Francie,

run down the hall and get
my mother to the phone.

Don't jive me Malcolm
or I'll bust you good

when I get back, you hear?

Francie, I cannot tell
you what an honor it is

to have you in our home.

Well, whatever gets
you through the night.

Hello, mama?

Sure, I'm here.

What you think I'm calling for?

Mama, you said to
call when I get here,

I got here, I'm
calling, goodbye.

Damn.

Well, Francie, I
hope you're hungry,

we're having fried
chicken for dinner.

Good, I win a buck.

You win a buck?

Yeah, I bet that
dumb brother of mine

that you'd have
fried chicken for me

the first thing off.

I love a person with
a sense of humor.

Excuse me.

Carol, for heaven's sake,

go in the kitchen and
throw out the grits.

Oh, Florida, Florida,

our little guest has arrived.

Francie, this is Florida,

my dear, dear friend,

probably the best friend
I have in the whole world.

I'm the maid, hello.

Well, now, hi, Auntie.

Auntie?

Oh, you know what
aunt I'm talking about,

pancake lady.

Oh, it's gonna be one of them

kind of relationships, huh?

Come on, honey.

Hey, fat mama,

what you gonna do with my bag?

You call me fat mama again

and I'll show you what
I'm gonna do with the bag.

I can't get over it.

The kid's acting like she
already ate my chicken.

You can put your
things in these drawers

and hang your
coat in that closet.

What are they trying
to make this place?

The Harlem Hilton?

I hate it already.

Then why did you come?

Because my mother
said if I didn't come,

she'd go upside my head.

You see, my
mother's got this thing,

like, I got to go stay
with a white family

so they'll learn what I'm like,

I'll learn what they're like,
it'll make for better world

and all that jazz.

So I told her why
don't she go live

with a white family
and leave me alone?

She's 52 and
nobody will take her.

Look, honey, the Findlays

happen to be very nice people,

you don't have to
be afraid of them.

What you talking about?

I'm 16 and I ain't
afraid in nothing.

I just don't like living
with honkies, that's all.

Now, hold on, Ms. Mighty Mouth.

There's no need
for you to be nasty,

these people have gone
to a lot of trouble for you.

Yeah, so did that white
family last summer.

It took eight and half
days of my vacation

so they could get rid of two
hundred years of their guilt.

I'm a two-time loser.

Well, well, well, you
two are having a real

old-fashioned bull session.

Yeah, a lot of bull,
but not much session.

Boy, that Florida
is really a nerd.

Oh, Francie,
Florida is not a nerd.

You didn't think I knew
what that meant, did you?

How do you like
our little puppy?

It's been in the
family for years.

Then you should
take the price tag off.

Look, Francie,

why don't you tell me
something about yourself?

Oh, come on, Francie,

I wanna be your friend.

You wanna be my friend?

Then boot me out of this house.

Go downstairs and call my mother

and tell her you
don't want me here.

But we do want
you here, Francie,

as a member of the family.

I already got a family.

Look, I know what you want.

You want a poor little
black Francie Potter

from the ghetto
to be charitable to.

- Francie, please.
- Look, I've done my part,

I saved one white
family last summer.

Francie, now, I understand

what you went through.

Oh, Francie, come on,
they must have been

some poor, misguided liberals.

You know, who
were trying too hard.

Francie, we're not like that.

Believe me, we are not

trying to rip you on.

Rip me off.

You see, we're communicating.

Look, if you don't mind,

I'd rather have my
mother lay one on me

than to stand here
and listen to you

talk down to me, bye.

Now, Francie, please,

I am not talking down to you.

Look, you cannot
leave, give me a chance.

Francie, you've only
been here five minutes.

I mean, nobody learns
to like me in five minutes.

I grow on people.

Oh, Francie, I told my friends,

my family, everybody
that you'd love it here.

You have to stay.

Okay.

What's it worth to you?

Oh, Francie,

Now, Francie, don't tell
me that you're thinking

of trying to blackmail...

You mean that you
would actually expect

Fran...

I think I have $20
in my purse with me.

$20?

Mama, I'm home.

Vivian, in the three days

that Francie has been with us

she has blossomed like a flower.

Maude, I am so proud of you.

Oh, but what's so
heartening is that

she really is a
member of the family.

You've never seen
a happier home.

Oh.

(music playing)

(Francie) Leave me alone.

Turn that music
off, you little twerp,

and I mean now.

(Francie) You come in
this room one more time,

and I'm gonna holler rape.

Go ahead, they'll just think

it's another one
of your records.

She sounds like a
member of the family,

slammed that door
like a true Findlay.

Vivian, don't look up like that,

those little marks
from your facelift show.

Walter, what is wrong?

Maude, I am swamped
down here with paperwork,

and Francie is deliberately
blasting that music out

so I can't even think.

One more record, I'm gonna kick

that experiment of yours

around the block at 45 RPM.

Hey, Walter, did
you explain to her

that you had work to do?

Well, of course I did.

She just told me to swim on out

and sing my blues
to the big white whale.

Sing your blues
to the big white...

Walter, that's cute.

She meant you, Maude.

That's even cuter.

Right, well, I'll just go
next door and get Arthur.

Look, let's face it, Maude,

this just is not working out.

I mean, she made the
whole house into an uproar,

she can't get along with anyone.

As a matter of fact,
I can't understand

why she just doesn't leave.

If I didn't know better, I'd swear
you were bribing her to stay.

Oh, Walter, what a
despicable, outrageous,

insulting thing to accuse me of.

How much did you give her?

$20 and shut up.

Look, Mrs. Findlay,

I know Francie is black,

but you got to
open up your heart

and slip a little hate in there.

Look, Florida, I am determined
to make this thing work,

because if there's
anything I can't stand

it's having my family
say, "I told you so."

And having to keep my mouth shut

because they're right.

Francie, I'm home.

- Francie.
- Maude, will you give it up?

We're not communicating
with this girl.

That's nonsense, Walter.

It is not, Maude.

People communicate only when

they are being themselves.

One does not get
through to someone

by being something
other than what one is.

That's a lovely speech,
Walter, really lovely.

Remind me when we have
time to record it on tape

so I can accidentally erase it.

Okay. Maude, take
all this for example.

Our annual Valentine party,

we never had a
Valentine party in our lives.

Oh, Walter, every year,

don't I give you a Valentine

and don't you give me one?

And don't we always
have a little fun

to celebrate the occasion?

Well, not in the
living room, Maude,

we celebrate upstairs
and... Technicality.

A party is a party,
no matter where.

Now, stop
persecuting me, Walter.

Hi, how's the fight going?

How'd you know we were fighting?

I just saw the birds
fly off the chimney.

And to think I picked
natural childbirth

because I couldn't
wait to see you.

- Maude.
- Oh, Walter,

Walter, don't you understand?

Francie is acting this way

because she doesn't
feel loved here.

Now, tonight, with
the Valentines,

we'll have a little fun
and I guarantee you,

she'll start feeling like
a member of the family.

Honey, she has this
hard, protective shell,

but, Walter, crack
that shell with love,

underneath, she's soft

and sweet and tender.

You make it sound
like a crab meat cocktail.

- Happy Valentines.
- Happy Valentines.

Look, Maude, Maude, look at
the valentine Arthur gave me.

Isn't that adorable?

Look, a cutout of a ballerina

and it says you're my tutu.

That's not all, Maude.

The heart, being the
symbol of Valentines,

I also gave Vivian
a gift certificate

for an electrocardiogram.

Oh, you're the
dearest, sweetest,

most sentimental
man in the whole world.

I think I'm getting
a pain in my tutu.

Well, this ought to
hold you until dinner.

Well, the party is beginning.

Carol, why don't get Phillip

and I'll get Francie.

Francie, dear, would
come down now?

(Francie) Give me
one good reason why.

I've got five good reasons

right here in my hand.

That's black ghetto talk,

it means I love you.

Maude, Vivian tells me

you're not doing too well

with your little
experiment in tolerance.

Oh, Vivian is wrong, Arthur,

Francie is coming along fine.

Okay. I'm here.

Look at that face.

Don't you just love that smile?

It lights up the whole room.

Arthur, Vivian, this is Francie.

Francie, this is...

Mrs. Cavender, Dr. Harmon.

Well, Francie, we've heard a lot

of interesting things about you.

Name one.

Francie, this is a party,

there's no time for games.

This is a very, very
important occasion,

St. Valentine's Day, it's
a moment when people

open their hearts and
let the love flow out.

That is right, Maudie,

and that is exactly
why I brought you this.

Happy Valentines, Maudie.

Well, Arthur, how meaningful.

You see, Francie.

"When I'm near you,

I feel I'm surrounded by
all the beauties of nature."

Oh, Arthur.

"Because I know
I'm in moose country."

I thought that was a wow.

You see how the love
is flowing, Francie?

And now, dear, because you are
the newest member of the family,

you get your
valentine from us first.

Here, Francie,
Happy Valentine Day.

Read it.

Go ahead, read
it, and read it aloud

so we can all hear it.

"On Valentine's Day we all
rejoice the three little words

to which we give
voice so for this,

we grow with a heart so true,

we want you to know
that we love you."

Francie dear, you
read that beautifully.

And so fast.

Yeah, just like a real person.

Yes, that's right, dear.

Mrs. Findlay, I
didn't have a chance

to buy any valentine,

so I thought it'd
be kind of nice

if I just make one
now for everybody.

Why, Francie, that's lovely,

isn't that marvelous?

You see what a
little patience can do?

Everybody, Francie
made up a valentine for us.

Okay. Francie, you're on.

For your card, so
sweet and gooey.

All I can say is one big phooey.

Now, I know how the
Valentine's Day Massacre started.

Oh, didn't I do that good, too?

Oh, Francie, dear,

there's something you
don't know about me,

I am famous for not
losing my temper.

Oh, well, if you
want me to perform,

don't I get a little reward?

How about a banana,

sure, for the little gorilla.

'Cause that's what we
is, you know, gorillas.

Oh, Francie dear, I
might as well tell you,

I am not going to
lose my temper.

Why, sure. You
give the little gorilla

a little reward and
she'll do all kinds

of cute little tricks for you.

I tell you, I am not
going to lose my temper.

Why, she even
delivered the mail.

Here we are everybody,

special delivery from
"The Planet of the Apes."

I am not... I am not
going to lose my temper.

Now, how about a dance?

Yeah, we all got
rhythm, you know.

♪ I got rhythm ♪

♪ I got rhythm ♪

Hold it, hold it right
there, you hold it.

I just lost my temper.

Congratulations, Francie,
you have just done away

with 200 years of guilt

in two minutes flat.

Come on, sit
down, you little nerd.

Now, you listen to me,

I know life hasn't been
very good to you, Francie,

but there are people
who are reaching out,

and I'm one of them.

All right, I made
a lot of mistakes

and I tried too hard.

I hate to disillusion
you, but I'm not perfect.

You sit there and
I'm long-winded, too.

I made a lot of mistakes
and I said the wrong thing,

but, Francie, I cared for you,

everybody cared for you.

But if you're so full of hate

that you just can't
accept that possibility,

then maybe you're right.

So get upstairs
and get your things

and get out of here.

And as far as I'm
concerned you can

you can freeze your
butt off until it turns blue.

Maude, I'm sorry.

Oh, sorry, I'm the
one who's sorry.

You're right, Walter.

You can't accomplish anything

unless you're yourself,

just now is the first time

I've been myself with that girl.

And that didn't work either.

- Now, what?
- Oh, I'll handle this.

Okay. You listen to me, Francie.

Bug off, Mrs. Findlay,

can't you see I'm busy?

You know, you're making
it very difficult for me

to send you back in the
same condition you came in.

You're beginning to
sound just like my mother.

Look, if I'm a
member of this family

like you say I am,

then there ain't
gonna be no difference

between me or any other member.

From now on, I'm
pulling my own weight

like everybody else around here.

And I'm going to
start by cleaning up

that mess I made out there.

So would you get out here
and let me get it together?

Oh, wait a minute,

here's your money back, damn it.

Happy Valentine.

Happy Valentine, Francie.

Francie, we have
both been such nerds.

Five, ten.

Yes, Francie, yes.

Yes, thank you, dear.

Yes, it was very
sweet of you to call.

Bye-bye.

Oh.

You know, Florida, I
never thought I'd say this.

Francie has been gone two days

and I miss her.

I really miss her.

Yeah, in my own way,

I kind of miss the
little sass box, too.

You know something, this
experiment in relationships

between the races should
be a lesson to all of us.

I mean, with a little
kindness, and firmness,

and love, you can
accomplish miracles.

You're right, Mrs. Findlay.

In two years, just look what
I accomplished with you.

(music playing)

♪ Oh yeah ♪

"Maude" was recorded on
tape before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪