Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 12 - Carol's Problem - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

Separate the yolks
from the whites,

making sure that
none of the yolks get...

I don't know how they ever
lay them without breaking them.

Ah, Swedish pancakes for me?

No.



This is for the city
sewage system.

You're getting frozen waffles.

Boy, you're in some
mood this morning.

I supposed a good morning
kiss is out of the question.

Is the pope Jewish?

Walter, how could
you possibly expect

a good morning kiss after
what you did to me last night?

What did I do to you last night?

Nothing.

That is nothing
except... (snores)

Followed by... (whistles)

Followed by the
drowning man's groan.

(groans)

From midnight till 7:30
this morning, Walter,

you were one continual...

(snores, whistles, groans)

3:45, I almost
tossed you a fish.

Are you trying to tell me
again that I snored all night?

Walter, you didn't even
stop when you got up

to go to the bathroom.

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it.

If I snored that
much and that loud,

I'd not only wake you
up, I'd wake me up.

Walter, there's only one thing

that could possibly wake you
up in the middle of the night.

And as the years tick on,

that's becoming more and
more out of the question.

Good morning,
breakfast clubbers.

It's nice to greet you.

Good morning, breakfast
clubbers, it's nice...

Not so nice, huh?

We've had better
Sunday mornings, Arthur.

Maude insists that my
snoring kept her up all last night.

Oh, that's too bad, Maudie.

Well, there's only one
answer to that problem.

Separate bedrooms.

That's the understanding that
Agnes and I finally came to.

You know, you're just
keeping each other up,

so Agnes decided to sleep alone.

Agnes died Arthur.

I don't think I
want it that way.

Well, you got a
point there, Maudie.

As a matter of fact, that's
how I found out she died.

She stopped snoring.

I heard just one last...

(snores) And she was gone.

Anyway, how about a
little handball, Walter?

He can't.

Carol's fiance is
down for the weekend.

We have a big
surprise for both of them

and I want Walter
here when we tell them.

That's your surprise, Maude.

I don't want any part of it.

- What's the surprise?
- Oh, Arthur, what could it be?

You know they'll going to
be getting married pretty soon.

You know I'm in real estate.

You know they're gonna
need a place to live.

I've got it, I've got it.

You found them a house.

Arthur, you are so perceptive.

Is he brilliant, Walter?

Now, we really need brains
like yours in Washington.

On second thought, we already
have brains like those in Washington.

You know, Maudie, selecting a
house is a very personal matter.

How do you know they'll like it?

She doesn't. You're meddling.

What is so wrong
with wanting to give

two wonderful
kids a start in life?

Maude, not everyone
needs their parent's help.

Look at us, your mother didn't
help us when we got married.

She certainly did help us.

How? She never even came around.

That's how.

I'm not gonna get
in the middle of this.

I will say this, however,

you make a great mistake

if you make things too
easy for Chris and Carol.

Nobody gave me
a helping hand, no.

The day I graduated
from medical school,

my father said to
me, "Arthur," he said,

"You're on your own.
You get no help from me."

And just to prove that
he meant it, he retired,

the very day I took
over his medical practice.

(humming)

(sighs) Honey, in Chris' honor,

we'll have brunch
in the dining room.

Help me set the table.

What about Carol?

Carol is with Chris.

Now, help me set the table

or from now on, a
certain very heavy snorer

will be sleeping with
two Q-tips up his nose.

Good morning, Grandma.
Good morning, Gramps.

- Hi there, honey.
- Good morning, fellow.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I wanna be sure
you're all bundled up.

It's a very cold day

and you have a
long walk to church.

Grandma, can I ask you
and grandpa a question?

Of course, honey, that's
one of the reasons we're here,

to answer any
questions you may have

for your grandma
and your grandpa.

How come I'm only
one in the house

that has to go to church?

That's a question
for your grandfather.

Thanks, Maude.

Well, you see, Phillip,

religion is kind
of a funny thing.

Not in our church.

Well, I didn't mean
that kind of funny thing.

Well, let's look at it this way.

Your grandmother and I
don't go to church because,

well, because
we're older people.

I saw older people in church.

What about them?

Oh, those older people.

You mean the ones in the choir?

Well, you see,
they like to sing.

How about the older
people in the pews?

Older people in the pews?

Maybe that's a
question for grandma.

Older people in the pews.

Yeah. Well, they
are the families

of the people in
the choir, you see?

And they are forced
to go to church

to listen to their relatives.

I don't understand.

Good.

Run along now.

Oh, Walter, that's no answer.

Phillip, Phillip, I'm
gonna level with you.

Your grandfather and I
don't go to church because...

Well, we're hypocritical.

How come you're hypocritical
and I'm Presbyterian?

Um...

well, that's because we hypocrites
so far don't have our own church.

Anyway, honey,
going to church now

and learning all you can
about religion and God

will make you a better
person when you get older.

And then could I
become a hypocrite?

Unfortunately, that's the
way it usually turns out.

Honey, off to church.

You're gonna be late.

Okay, Mom.

Mother, these two sweaters
you bought me last week,

which one shall I wear today?

Oh, honey, whichever
you like better.

They're both beautiful.

All right, I'll wear
the blue one.

Good. I'll return the
yellow one tomorrow.

Why should you
return the yellow one?

Well, you obviously
don't like the yellow one.

Oh, Mother, I love
the yellow one.

Then why are you
wearing the blue one?

Well, you just said
they were both...

What's the use? I'll
wear the yellow one.

Good. I'll return the
blue one tomorrow.

Mother, you're impossible.

I'm impossible? What do
you mean I'm impossible?

I can only wear one
sweater at a time.

If I wear the blue one, it doesn't
mean I don't like the yellow one.

(whistles)

Will you two stop squabbling?

It's Sunday.

Walter's right.

We shouldn't be fighting.

So, I bought you two sweaters
and you don't like them.

I'll return them both tomorrow.

Chris, hi, honey,
did you sleep well?

- Just great, Maude.
- Good.

Walter, Chris is here,
time for our surprise.

(whispering) No.

- Walter.
- What surprise?

No, Maude, it's your surprise.

It is our surprise.

No, Maude, it's your surprise.

But since you like surprises,
I have a surprise for you.

Come here.

Our surprise can wait.

What's your surprise?

Close your eyes.

I have a special surprise

that I've been
saving just for you.

- No peeking.
- I'm not peeking.

- Are you ready?
- Ready.

Surprise!

Isn't he wonderful
and he's so unselfish?

He wants me to get all the pleasure
out of telling you our surprise.

Come on, sit down. Sit down.

I got to admit. She's
got me intrigued.

Intrigued is just for starters.

When I tell you what
I have to tell you,

the two of you will be
jumping up and down for joy.

Mother, I know
surprises excite you,

but I've never seen
you so full of it before.

Full of what before?

Oh, oh, excitement.

Honey, I am full of excitement.

What other mother has the
opportunity to make a kid so happy?

- Maude, what is it? Come on.
- Come on, make us happy.

Now, first, in seven
or eight months,

when Chris comes
down to New York,

the two of you are going
to be married, right?

- Right, yeah.
- Right.

Now, when that glorious moment
comes, you will need, what?

A house, right?

The surprise is a house?

Not just a house.

The house.

Honey, it just
came on the market

and it is a steal,

♪ Two baths, three
bedrooms for 38 thou ♪

and it's a two-story colonial

just like you and Chris
have been talking about.

With a fireplace?

A fireplace?

Two fireplaces,

one in the living room and
one in the master bedroom.

In the evenings, you can
get romantic downstairs

without having to go upstairs.

And in the mornings, you
can get romantic upstairs

without having to
come downstairs.

- It sounds fantastic.
- Yeah.

And if we play it smart,

we can put a can of
Sterno on the staircase.

Oh, honey, just to make sure

that nobody else
had a chance to get it,

Walter and I put down a deposit,

Our wedding gift to you.

Wait a minute.

Mother, you put a deposit
on a house without asking us?

Mother, that's very nice,

but Chris and I wanna
pick out our own house.

But, honey, you
haven't even seen it yet.

Sweetheart, all I
want... Look, look at it.

If you don't like it, fine.

But I know you'll love it.

Honey, all I want
you to do is look at it

and fall in love with it.

Okay?

Well, Maude, it's just that

Carol and I would like
to feel we're on our own.

Honey, you are on your own.

You'll do everything
else yourself.

- Mother.
- I promise I will
not raise a hand.

- Mother.
- You can repaint
the house yourselves.

- You can furnish it yourselves.
- Mother.

Sweetheart, I know you
kids wanna be on your own.

I appreciate that.

Okay?

All right, we'll
look at the house.

Maude, thank you, really.

Oh.

Well, where is this dream house?

Ah, the location.

Honey, that is
the best part of all.

Ten minutes from
the railroad station,

the best schools
in the entire county,

lovely neighbors, and close
to all the shopping centers.

It sounds too good to be true.

Well, Maude, come on.

When can we see it?

- Right now.
- Oh, good.

It's that white one,
right across the street.

Come on, you two lovebirds.

Come on, get your coats on.

Time to look at
your dream house.

Here are the keys to paradise.

Look at those faces.

Oh, honey, you know, I can't
tell you how relieved I am.

You know, I got the house on
some kind of a crazy impulse

and I was so worried that
you'd take it the wrong way.

Do you know that I was
actually terrified, Carol?

That you might be
narrow-minded enough to say,

"Mother, I don't wanna live
across the street from you."

- Mother, I don't wanna live
across the street from you.
- You see.

Come on, honey,
let's look at the house.

Mother, I really don't wanna
live across the street from you.

Carol.

Maude, I think what
Carol is trying to say is,

she really doesn't wanna
live across the street from you.

Well, I don't blame her.

I haven't told you yet about the
rumpus room and the basement.

Honey, the present owners have agreed
to leave the moose hanging over the bar.

I knew there was a catch.

There's always a
catch some place.

Oh, honey. Now, wait a minute.

Now, I don't mean the
whole moose, Carol.

I'm just talking
about the horns.

Mother.

Carol, here I find you a
beautiful two-story house

with two fireplaces

and you're acting like it
was an outhouse in Siberia.

Mother, I love that house.

You wanna give us
a wedding present?

How much would it cost to
move that house to another state?

Look, honey, I know
what you're feeling

but don't you think you're being
a little rough on your mother?

That's easy for you to say.

You haven't lived
with her for 28 years.

What the hell is that
supposed to mean?

Mother, please, I
love you, I love you.

But Chris and I would
like to live our own lives.

Oh, hi, Carol.

Gee, you sound
just like your mother.

That's a rotten thing to say.

Well, thank you, Carol.

Mother, all I mean is,

I don't wanna be thought of
as a younger version of you.

I have got to be me.

I've got to be me.

You sound just like
Sammy Davis Jr.

Of course, if you're
ashamed of me...

Oh, Mother, please don't pull that
ashamed of me bit with the sighs.

You see, Chris? You see
what I have to put up with?

(sighs)

Mother, don't sigh.

(sighs)

Mother.

Don't sigh. You did it again.

Now, look I know that sigh.

It's guaranteed
to suck out guilt.

Did you hear that Walter, Chris?

You hear how my daughter
twists my words around?

I sigh twice and she makes
me sound like Dracula.

Hey, what kind of a monster
was she making me out to be?

What kind of monster?

- Freeze, Maude.
- What?

Freeze right there.

Now turn towards the mirror.

That's what kind of monster.

A well-meaning mother.

In short, a meddler monster.

Oh.

No, thank you, Walter.

Through your wisdom,

you've made me
see what I really am,

unhappily married.

And as for you, Carol, you and
Chris can live anywhere you want.

Pennsylvania, New
Hampshire, New Jersey, Guam...

- Mother.
- Paraguay.

As far as I'm concerned, you
can go to Tibet and raise monks.

(sighs)

Carol if you don't
mind my saying so, I...

Chris, I mind your saying so.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Maude.

Maude, what are you doing?

I'm putting on eye shadow.

Whenever I'm upset,
I put on eye shadow.

Keeps my hands busy
so I can't slash my wrists.

Maude, all children
wanna live away

from their parents
when they marry.

I know all children want to
live away from their parents.

I can accept that.

I mean, the house
isn't that important.

I can get rid of
it in two minutes.

Carol hates me.

She doesn't hate you.

Walter, you heard her.

What we're talking about is
bigger than a two-story house.

We're talking about me.

I wouldn't touch that
line with a 10-foot pole.

Walter, don't you realize
that you're looking at a woman

who has just found
out that her daughter

has resented her for 28 years?

What do I do now?

I've just ran out of eyes.

Maude, you interfered
with Carol's life

and she rebelled.

Don't you feel
exactly the same way

when your mother
does that to you?

Oh, come on, Walter
that's totally different.

What's different about it?

Walter, my mother is listed in
"The Guinness Book of Records."

She is the world champion

of being able to drive
anybody up the wall

in two and a half seconds.

Sweetheart, are you
listening to yourself?

You're right.

Oh, Walter, I should never
have even looked at that house

without consulting Carol.

I was afraid she'd
react this way

and I went right
ahead and did it.

- Why do I do things
like this?
- Why?

Because she's your daughter
and you're her mother.

Maude, you wanna make up to her?

Go downstairs and make up.

Oh, Walter.

Walter, what I put
those kids through down.

Do you know what I did?

I pulled rank, Walter.

I used my position as a
mother to browbeat them.

I'm sure they just... I feel
so guilty about all of this.

Darling, just go down
and speak to them.

In a minute, Walter.

I want them to feel
guilty a while longer.

Carol, what are you
so worried about?

There is no way we're gonna live
across the street from your mother.

Then why did you yell at me?

I did not yell at you.

But frankly, you could
have treated your mother

with a little more diplomacy.

Well, I'm a little
surprised at your temper.

Frankly, it flares,
Carol, a definite flare.

So, you found out
I have a temper.

So, is that such a big deal?

No, but you don't always have

to lose it in front
of your mother.

What is so sacred
about my mother?

She's not a saint.

I never said she was a saint.

Not so loud,
you'll ruin her day.

- You know what your trouble is?
- What?

You're soft on mothers.

That is not true.

Oh, what about your mother?

I'd rather not discuss that.

I've met her. I don't blame you.

Look, why don't I just
go back up to Boston,

we'll forget the whole weekend,
and I'll call you Monday?

If that's what you wanna do, go.

Oh, so, you're just letting
me walk out of here?

Children,

in this house, we do
not raise our voices.

Now, listen.

I was silly and
impulsive and very unfair.

You kids should live
anywhere you want.

Now, let's forget
about the house.

Mother, thank you very much,
but right now I couldn't care less.

Carol, don't apologize
just to spare my feelings.

Mother, Chris and I
have a personal problem.

If you don't mind, I'd
preferred if you'd butt out.

Carol, don't yell at
your mother like that.

The least you can do
is let the woman talk.

Let the woman talk?

The most ridiculous thing
I have heard in 28 years

is someone pleading
to let this woman talk.

And to think I was willing

to live across the
street from you.

Mother, you are
driving me crazy.

- Carol.
- And so are you.

Well, okay.

If you people will
just excuse me,

- I think I'll take a walk.
- CAROL: Chris. Chris!

- A nice long walk.
- (Carol) Chris.

You know, Carol, I don't
blame him for walking out.

In my entire life, I
have never, never...

But never seen a woman
treat a man like that.

(sighs)

Walter, are you trying
to tell me something?

Maude,

first, you try to
control where they live,

then you tried to butt in to
their personal arguments.

Sweetheart, you have to
learn to leave them alone.

That's lovely, Walter.

That's really beautiful.

If you were turned
around the other way,

it would have come straight
from the horse's mouth.

Well, I think I'll join
Chris for a walk.

He can use a couple of pointers
on survival in the Findlay household

also known as demolition derby.

Well, first Chris, then Walter,

that only leaves Philip.

(sighs)

Mother, what's the point?

Carol, there is only one point.

For 28 years, you have
resented your mother.

Mother, I do not resent you.

Of course you resent me.

If you don't resent your mother,

you're not getting
the most out of her.

I only resent you
when you meddle.

And you're right
for resenting me.

Oh, the way I meddled

about the house with Chris
whom you probably love

almost as much as
you love your mother.

It was my fault that
he walked out of here.

Mother, that's not the reason.

We were having a fight.

Oh, Carol, I deserve it.

Attack me.

Attack me as much as you want.

But while you're attacking
me, help me set the table.

I don't want to attack you.

It's just that you insist
on involving yourself

in every little
detail of my life.

Like last week when I
bought those false eyelashes,

you said they made me
look like a $10 call girl.

I said no such thing.

I said wear them and you'd
be picked up for soliciting.

See, you did it again.

I'm sorry.

Honey, I don't know what it is.

I promise you from
now on, I will not meddle.

I will not interfere.

I will not criticize.

I will not tell you what to do.

And, Carol, those
little forks go to the left.

What?

Oh, I did it again.

Sweetheart, only because last
Wednesday I was watching Dinah Shore

and she always puts
the little forks on the left.

But, Mother, why must
I put the little forks on...

Because Dinah expects that.

Oh, Carol,

why can't mothers and
daughters agree on anything?

I will never forget
that eighth birthday.

My eighth birthday?

I don't remember
my eighth birthday.

No, I'm talking about
my eighth birthday.

Oh, Carol, I was having a party

and I wanted
everything to be perfect.

I wanted chocolate cake
and Neapolitan ice cream

and hotdogs.

And instead of hotdogs,

do you know what
my mother served

at my eighth birthday party?

Chop suey.

Chop suey for an
eighth birthday party.

And there wasn't a
Chinese kid within 200 miles.

Mother, will you stop?

You're gonna make me cry.

It serves you right.

Carol, I can't help myself.

Children resent and
mothers interfere.

That comes with the territory.

I know.

You know, after
what happened today,

I think I'll drive up
to Boston with Chris.

That's a great idea.

I better pack so we
can get an early start

and beat the traffic
on the thruway.

You're not going on the thruway.

(sighs)

Mother, your meddling.

Carol, you're interrupting.

Now, look,

you take the Boston Post
Road as far as Stamford

- then get off there,
turn north on route...
- All right, all right.

All right.

And Carol, honey, don't slouch.

♪ Good morning
breakfast clubbers ♪

♪ It's time to greet you ♪

♪ Good morning,
breakfast clubbers... ♪

- Carol, you drive carefully.
- Be a good boy.

- No speeding.
- I love you.

- Bye.
- Bye, Chris.

- Bye-bye, kids.
- Well, Philip,
how was church?

Church was okay.

But Sunday school
was really neat.

What was so neat
about Sunday school?

I told them all about you
and grandpa being hypocrites.

And the minister is making
you a sermon next Sunday.

(music playing)

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪