Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 13 - Music Hath Charms - full transcript
Maude gives Walter an electric organ as an anniversary gift. Unfortunately, he plays it all the time and has no musical talent.
(music playing)
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizing,
right on, Maude ♪
And the door had to be
taken off by the hinges,
so that Walter could
get out of the bathroom.
(laughing)
And that's how we
started our honeymoon.
Is that terrible?
Oh, Maude.
Maude, Maude, before I forget,
Maude, I have a little verse,
I wrote for your anniversary.
Aw, Vivian. Thank you.
You know, she
does this every year.
May this marriage last,
may it never falter,
Barney, Chester, and Albert
can't compare to Walter.
Thank you, Viv.
Darling, that's beautiful.
You know, this one almost
tops the one you wrote last year.
How did that one go?
Oh, I know, I know.
I hope this marriage
won't end in divorce.
You've had enough
husbands to choke a horse.
Honestly, I've always had
more fun with your husbands.
Not as much fun as
I've had with them.
So far as I know.
Oh, well, what are friends for?
Where is...
- Walter.
- Yeah, Walter anyway?
No, he's still asleep.
Do you know that he was up until
2:00 this morning playing
that new electric organ?
If you could call it playing.
- And that was quarter to 3:00.
- (doorbell rings)
Come on now, honey,
his playing isn't all that bad.
She can say what she
like, but I tell you one thing,
he ain't gonna make the
world forget about Fats Domino.
Walter, lunch!
(doorbell rings)
Coming, coming.
Stoners Market.
That's a charge.
Wait, oh, oh, the ice cream
melted all over
the other groceries.
Well, that's life, lady.
You order ice cream
you got to take your chances.
Hey, lady, no tip?
You delivered melted ice cream,
you sog up all my green stems
and you expect a tip?
Why not?
Sonny, sonny, sonny, sonny.
Let me tell you something
very important about life.
Never, never accept
money you have not earned.
Or you're liable to grow
up and be vice president.
Come on, honey, lunch!
Here, Florida, do
something with this mess.
Oh, just what I've
always wanted,
grocery a la mode.
Maude, Carol was just
telling me that Walter bought
that electric organ as
an anniversary present.
That isn't all I told her.
Come on now, honey,
stop being so ungrateful.
That organ's only been in
the house for three days.
I mean, besides
Walter brought it here
so that the entire
family could enjoy it.
Although I think
that's a lovely idea.
Wanna take my
place in the family?
And to think I carried you high
for nine months to
be sure you'd be a girl.
Look, will you lay off Walter.
Now come on,
be a little tolerant.
I mean, you've seen
that look of joy on his face.
He is having the time of
his life playing that organ.
And give the man a break.
I'd like to give him ten
breaks, one for each finger.
Walter dear,
last call for lunch.
Coming.
When he passes that organ,
I bet he cannot
resist playing it.
(plays organ)
He couldn't.
If that's his idea of rhythm,
it's a good thing
he ain't Catholic.
How can you stand that?
Come on now, Viv,
you know Walter.
Honey, this is just a
phase he's going through.
How long did he
use the Exercycle?
About a week.
And the jogging
lasted five days.
How long before
he gave up Kung Fu,
he lasted two proverbs.
I mean, the man has
few enough pleasures.
And, please God this
one will go on a few days.
Walter.
♪ Old Black Joe ♪
How do you like that, Maude,
I already learned the
first song in the book.
Listen, Walter, darling,
sweetheart, love,
would you mind
playing a little bit softer?
Thank you, dear, thank you.
Listen, sweetheart, I mean,
don't misunderstand me,
I love your playing.
Sweetheart,
I love you for
enjoying me so much.
Lots of wives would be
impatient but not you, Maude,
you're not impatient.
No, I'm insane.
If I hear one more
chorus of "Old Black Joe,"
I'm going out there
and put "Massa"
in the cold, cold ground.
Florida, you should see him,
he is so adorable,
I mean, his little furry fingers
flying up and down the keys.
His little fuzzy feet
pumping away at the pedals,
oh, I love the way it
looked when he plays.
I, I love, I love
the way he feels.
I, I love every minute of it.
I love it, I love it.
Oh, why couldn't he
have taken up the piccolo?
What, what is that
tune he keeps playing?
Vivian, that's Walter's
version of "Old Black Joe."
Poor Joe, it ain't bad enough
he's old and he's black.
All right.
All right, all of
you, I'll talk to him.
(laughs)
Walter, sweetheart, darling.
Later, Maude.
Listen, I think I'm
getting the hang of it.
Yeah, speaking
of hanging, Walter.
Maude, I know
what you're thinking.
You do, sweetheart?
But this isn't gonna be
one of my passing fancies.
Oh, it's not.
I'll make you a solemn promise,
I'm gonna play this
for the rest of my life.
The rest of your life?
God will get me
for what I'm thinking.
Hmm?
No, lunch dear, lunch.
In a minute.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
No, I can't... wait a minute,
Walter, please, darling,
I'm on the phone.
Hello?
Oh, hello, Mr. Henderson.
Yup, that's right,
Walter's playing.
Are you enjoying it
as much as we are?
That much?
Yeah, all right, I will.
Goodbye.
Walter?
Walter, Walter,
sweetheart, every time
you play, the neighbors call.
Yeah?
And threaded through
all their conversations
are the same two words,
vigilante committee.
They're just jealous.
Look, Maude.
(music playing)
Oh, Walter, Walter, I
can't stand it anymore!
Walter, it's not the neighbors,
it's not the phone calls,
it's not Carol or Florida,
it's you, you're
driving me crazy!
Hey, that's in my book.
♪ You, you're driving me crazy ♪
♪ Old black Joe ♪
Maude, that's my first medley!
Turn that off,
Walter! Turn it off!
Now listen to me, listen!
What were you saying?
There is something
I'd like you to play.
What?
Golf, now will you knock it off?
I thought you loved music.
I do, my sweet,
and someday we'll
listen to some together.
Okay, okay, wait a minute,
I'll tell you what I'll do,
I know I'm no Liberace
and so if it's bothering you,
I'll just put it someplace else.
Now let's see,
where can I put it?
How about the crate it came in?
For crying out loud, Maude,
you're being unfair.
I mean, what about Phillip?
What about Phillip?
Well, Phillip makes all
kinds of noise around here.
Walter, you are
equating yourself,
a 50-year-old man
to your grandson?
Well he makes noise in
every room in the house.
I mean, he's got a kazoo
and a transistor radio.
You are equating your own
grandson to an electric organ?
Grubby, Walter, grubby.
Well, what do you want
me to do, throw him out?
All right, I will.
- Maude, I didn't say that.
- Phillip!
I love Phillip and of course
I want him to stay here.
But I'm crazy about that organ
and that's gonna stay
here too and that's final!
I'm gonna play this organ!
All right, Walter,
you are asking for it,
you are asking for it.
Walter!
(indistinct) you better hurry,
the pressure's
building up behind me.
Walter, if you don't stop,
I'm gonna hose myself to death.
You'd actually let me do it.
You would actually let me fill
myself up with dirty city water.
Where are you going?
Any place to get away from here.
Good riddance.
You belittle me,
you laugh at me,
you insult me!
It's just impossible in
this house for an artist.
All right, Walter, go, go.
But remember, Walter,
tonight when you
come crawling up
those stairs to me, no amnesty.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary, Walter.
Maude, what happened?
You friend is the
most selfish, stubborn,
bull-headed, arrogant...
- Argumentative.
- Argumentative.
- Pig-headed.
- Pig-headed.
- Chauvinistic.
- Exactly.
Funny, I've always
got along with him.
And you can have him.
If I never see him
again, it'll be too soon.
(car crashing)
Arthur, Arthur,
Walter just hit a tree.
Now, Maude, don't panic.
Me, panic?
Florida, Carol!
Arthur, what happened?
Walter's had an accident.
Oh, Maude.
It would be easier
to get the sofa to her.
Put her back here on the sofa.
No, no, no.
Walter, Walter. How is he?
Oh, oh, please...
please bring Walter back to me.
Why did I, oh, why
did I quarrel with him?
What did he do
that was so terrible?
Oh, please if you just
bring my Walter back to me,
I promise, I promise
I'll never argue with him again.
And I'll never argue
with you again, Maude.
Walter!
Oh Walter, oh Walter.
Oh, oh darling.
Oh, Walter, Walter,
oh, thank heavens you're alive.
Sweetheart,
when I felt the car
spin out of control
and I saw that
tree coming at me,
I could only think of one thing.
Oh, sweetheart.
I thought I would never
play the organ again.
Hi, everybody.
Hello, Arthur.
Where are the happy
honeymooners?
At their favorite restaurant.
They're out
celebrating their delayed
fifth anniversary tonight.
Oh, that's right.
Well, here's the prescription
your mother wanted
for her headache.
Oh, thank you.
You know, if she could ever
get rid of those lousy headaches,
everything would be
perfect around here.
Yeah, you wouldn't
believe the peace and quiet
around this house for
the last four days, it's eerie.
The only noise
we've heard all week
was after Mr. Finley
ate radishes.
Ever since the accident,
Maude and Walter have
been cooing like two doves.
Their attitudes made a great
change in the neighborhood.
People can sleep now
with their windows open.
We are so grateful
that he's still alive.
They're determined never
to fight or argue again.
It's kind of like
death takes a holiday.
You know what it is,
after four days, finally,
they discovered the
way to a happy marriage.
(music playing)
Having a good time, sweetheart?
Oh, marvelous darling.
How about you, dear?
Delicious.
You know, I can't remember
a more fun-filled evening.
Walter dear, you
are humming again.
I am? Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right dear,
I like it, I like your humming.
You do?
I'd like it even
more if you'd hum
the same tune the
orchestra's playing.
Oh, oh, what's the matter
dear, you got another headache?
Same one.
You got an aspirin?
Ow!
I'm sorry.
About what, dear?
I, I stepped on your toe.
You now, I didn't even
notice, was that you?
You know, darling,
we really are very lucky.
I'll say, finding a parking
place right out front.
Sweetheart, I meant about
your accident the other day.
Oh, yeah. (humming)
Darling, not that I mind, but,
you know, ever
since the accident,
you've had this nervous habit,
all you do is hum.
That's funny, I
wasn't aware of it.
Yeah, well, not that
I mind your hum, oh.
You still have that headache?
No, this is a new one,
the other one went away
when you stepped on my foot.
I'm sorry.
Sweetheart, to us.
Oh.
To five years of wedded bliss.
And to the past
four days, Walter,
four days without
one single argument,
the happiest four
days of our lives.
(humming)
Good martini.
And good Shirley Temple, too.
Very good.
Good.
Having a good time, dear?
Oh, better than good.
Good.
How about you, dear, are
you having a good time?
- Good.
- Good.
That's good.
You know, Walter
if I were president,
this is one conversation
I wouldn't tape.
I'm really having a
good time, Maude,
but I have to confess,
I used to have better
good times with you.
There seems to be
something missing.
You've noticed that too,
there is something
missing, Walter.
I wonder what it is.
I don't know, I mean, it's
nothing I can put my finger on.
(humming)
Wait a minute,
we used to laugh a lot when
we had good times before.
That's what's missing.
Of course, laughter,
that's probably what it is.
(laughs)
That's not it.
(humming)
Oh.
Where does it hurt?
Well it starts here and
then it goes over the eye,
down to my ear, where
there's kind of a dull pounding
and then around the
neck, across the shoulder,
around the clavicle,
where it sort of
has a throbbing sensation
and from there down
the spinal chord.
Enjoy your dinner.
Thank you, Philippe.
Where it stops at the
base of my sacroiliac.
- Walter, stand up.
- For what?
You're humming "The
Star-Spangled Banner."
Boy, this looks great.
Terrific.
How's yours?
Terrific.
What's the matter, Maude?
What do you mean,
nothing, nothing.
Is there something
wrong with your steak?
No, fine, fine.
Then why did you make a face?
I didn't make a face.
I saw you make a face, Maude.
I know when you make a face,
you went like this.
And I know what
I'm talking about.
Walter, please, will
you lower your voice?
You went like this, Maude.
And there's something
wrong with your steak.
Philippe!
Walter, there's nothing wrong
with my steak.
Is, is everything all right?
Fine, Philippe.
Philippe, Maude,
doesn't like her steak,
- bring her another one.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
I don't want another
one, this one's fine.
Philippe, she made
a face like this.
She made a face like that, aw.
Yes, bring her another steak.
I did not make a face like this.
I made a face like this.
You made a face like that,
oh, I must get
you another steak.
Good.
I don't want another steak
and please lower your voice.
I will not lower my voice
and bring her another steak!
Well, perhaps monsieur
would like another steak.
No!
Walter, I don't
want another steak
and please lower your voice.
I will not lower my voice!
Everyone is staring at you.
Good, let them stare
and you can tell us all
what's wrong with your steak.
You want to know what's
wrong with the steak?
I'll tell you what's
wrong with the steak.
They took a perfectly
good piece of well-aged,
prime beef and they ruined it.
Look, and listen!
I could put it back on the horse
it came from and
use it as a saddle.
Thank you, Philippe, it's fine.
The, the chef will be pleased.
Maude, why did you
order it well-done?
You usually order it medium.
Never in a French
restaurant, Walter,
they always
undercook their meat.
Then let me send it
back for you, why suffer?
Because I love suffering!
Now knock it off!
I beg your pardon.
But would you mind
lowering your voices?
Mother and I are celebrating
our wedding anniversary.
What do you think this
mother and I are doing?
Now, I'm gonna order
you another steak
whether you like it or not.
- Philippe!
- I don't want another steak.
Can't you get that
through your head?
- Then get something else.
- Like what?
Like poached salmon,
you love poached salmon.
You know, I never take
poached salmon on a headache.
Then get my steak and I'll
have the poached salmon.
I want my own steak.
(singing)
♪ Happy Anniversary to... ♪
We'll bring it back later.
See, you just embarrassed
me in front of the soprano.
I'll give him a big tip.
Philippe, here's a
tip, never get married!
Please, everybody
is looking at you.
Oh, yeah, I'll make
sure they can see us!
Walter, sit down!
Ladies and gentlemen,
announcement, announcement!
We are the Findlays
and we're having
one hell of a fight.
That's right.
I'm Walter and she's Maude,
the Tuckahoe Terror.
The most stubborn, the
most bull-headed woman.
You're the one who
is being stubborn,
you're the one who
started the scene in here,
you're the one who
from the moment we...
Walter, my headache's gone.
No kidding?
And I'm not humming.
I don't think I'm humming.
Am I humming, Maude?
Sweetheart, you haven't hummed
since you started yelling.
Well darling, don't you
see what's happening?
Our juices are
starting to flow again.
You mean we're arguing?
Right, we're arguing,
but we're alive, Walter
and it's exciting
and it's stimulating
and, oh, sweetheart, the
way we were, that wasn't us.
That's right.
How can two people in love
live together without conflict?
Okay, everybody,
announcement, announcement!
We're gonna shut up now.
(applause)
Oh, sweetheart, I'm really
beginning to have a good time.
Oh, so am I darling
and I promise you,
I will never not
argue with you again.
♪ Happy Anniversary to you ♪
Oh, happy anniversary, Maude.
Happy anniversary, Walter.
♪ Happy Anniversary,
Mr. and Mrs. Findlay ♪
♪ Happy Anniversary to you ♪
(applause)
Thanks for the
cornflakes, Florida.
I don't know how I ran out.
I do, you didn't buy any.
You're getting more
like Maude every day.
Say come to think of it,
I hear things are back to
normal with Maggie and Jiggs.
That's right. The ceasefire
ended at midnight.
Well, I suppose
it's all for the best.
(laughs)
♪ I'll be glad when you gone ♪
♪ You rascal you ♪
Hi, Florida.
Thanks for taking
care of the baby.
Oh.
Walter, I thought you and mother
decided to get
rid of that thing.
We reached a compromise.
Maude agreed to
let me play the organ
and I, I agreed to let her
take up an instrument too.
Oh, Lord, I bet she's gonna
take up the harmonica again.
I'll take the organ back.
I'll send it back.
Stop me now,
Walter, I'm rolling.
Maude, please.
(music playing)
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizing,
right on, Maude ♪
And the door had to be
taken off by the hinges,
so that Walter could
get out of the bathroom.
(laughing)
And that's how we
started our honeymoon.
Is that terrible?
Oh, Maude.
Maude, Maude, before I forget,
Maude, I have a little verse,
I wrote for your anniversary.
Aw, Vivian. Thank you.
You know, she
does this every year.
May this marriage last,
may it never falter,
Barney, Chester, and Albert
can't compare to Walter.
Thank you, Viv.
Darling, that's beautiful.
You know, this one almost
tops the one you wrote last year.
How did that one go?
Oh, I know, I know.
I hope this marriage
won't end in divorce.
You've had enough
husbands to choke a horse.
Honestly, I've always had
more fun with your husbands.
Not as much fun as
I've had with them.
So far as I know.
Oh, well, what are friends for?
Where is...
- Walter.
- Yeah, Walter anyway?
No, he's still asleep.
Do you know that he was up until
2:00 this morning playing
that new electric organ?
If you could call it playing.
- And that was quarter to 3:00.
- (doorbell rings)
Come on now, honey,
his playing isn't all that bad.
She can say what she
like, but I tell you one thing,
he ain't gonna make the
world forget about Fats Domino.
Walter, lunch!
(doorbell rings)
Coming, coming.
Stoners Market.
That's a charge.
Wait, oh, oh, the ice cream
melted all over
the other groceries.
Well, that's life, lady.
You order ice cream
you got to take your chances.
Hey, lady, no tip?
You delivered melted ice cream,
you sog up all my green stems
and you expect a tip?
Why not?
Sonny, sonny, sonny, sonny.
Let me tell you something
very important about life.
Never, never accept
money you have not earned.
Or you're liable to grow
up and be vice president.
Come on, honey, lunch!
Here, Florida, do
something with this mess.
Oh, just what I've
always wanted,
grocery a la mode.
Maude, Carol was just
telling me that Walter bought
that electric organ as
an anniversary present.
That isn't all I told her.
Come on now, honey,
stop being so ungrateful.
That organ's only been in
the house for three days.
I mean, besides
Walter brought it here
so that the entire
family could enjoy it.
Although I think
that's a lovely idea.
Wanna take my
place in the family?
And to think I carried you high
for nine months to
be sure you'd be a girl.
Look, will you lay off Walter.
Now come on,
be a little tolerant.
I mean, you've seen
that look of joy on his face.
He is having the time of
his life playing that organ.
And give the man a break.
I'd like to give him ten
breaks, one for each finger.
Walter dear,
last call for lunch.
Coming.
When he passes that organ,
I bet he cannot
resist playing it.
(plays organ)
He couldn't.
If that's his idea of rhythm,
it's a good thing
he ain't Catholic.
How can you stand that?
Come on now, Viv,
you know Walter.
Honey, this is just a
phase he's going through.
How long did he
use the Exercycle?
About a week.
And the jogging
lasted five days.
How long before
he gave up Kung Fu,
he lasted two proverbs.
I mean, the man has
few enough pleasures.
And, please God this
one will go on a few days.
Walter.
♪ Old Black Joe ♪
How do you like that, Maude,
I already learned the
first song in the book.
Listen, Walter, darling,
sweetheart, love,
would you mind
playing a little bit softer?
Thank you, dear, thank you.
Listen, sweetheart, I mean,
don't misunderstand me,
I love your playing.
Sweetheart,
I love you for
enjoying me so much.
Lots of wives would be
impatient but not you, Maude,
you're not impatient.
No, I'm insane.
If I hear one more
chorus of "Old Black Joe,"
I'm going out there
and put "Massa"
in the cold, cold ground.
Florida, you should see him,
he is so adorable,
I mean, his little furry fingers
flying up and down the keys.
His little fuzzy feet
pumping away at the pedals,
oh, I love the way it
looked when he plays.
I, I love, I love
the way he feels.
I, I love every minute of it.
I love it, I love it.
Oh, why couldn't he
have taken up the piccolo?
What, what is that
tune he keeps playing?
Vivian, that's Walter's
version of "Old Black Joe."
Poor Joe, it ain't bad enough
he's old and he's black.
All right.
All right, all of
you, I'll talk to him.
(laughs)
Walter, sweetheart, darling.
Later, Maude.
Listen, I think I'm
getting the hang of it.
Yeah, speaking
of hanging, Walter.
Maude, I know
what you're thinking.
You do, sweetheart?
But this isn't gonna be
one of my passing fancies.
Oh, it's not.
I'll make you a solemn promise,
I'm gonna play this
for the rest of my life.
The rest of your life?
God will get me
for what I'm thinking.
Hmm?
No, lunch dear, lunch.
In a minute.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
No, I can't... wait a minute,
Walter, please, darling,
I'm on the phone.
Hello?
Oh, hello, Mr. Henderson.
Yup, that's right,
Walter's playing.
Are you enjoying it
as much as we are?
That much?
Yeah, all right, I will.
Goodbye.
Walter?
Walter, Walter,
sweetheart, every time
you play, the neighbors call.
Yeah?
And threaded through
all their conversations
are the same two words,
vigilante committee.
They're just jealous.
Look, Maude.
(music playing)
Oh, Walter, Walter, I
can't stand it anymore!
Walter, it's not the neighbors,
it's not the phone calls,
it's not Carol or Florida,
it's you, you're
driving me crazy!
Hey, that's in my book.
♪ You, you're driving me crazy ♪
♪ Old black Joe ♪
Maude, that's my first medley!
Turn that off,
Walter! Turn it off!
Now listen to me, listen!
What were you saying?
There is something
I'd like you to play.
What?
Golf, now will you knock it off?
I thought you loved music.
I do, my sweet,
and someday we'll
listen to some together.
Okay, okay, wait a minute,
I'll tell you what I'll do,
I know I'm no Liberace
and so if it's bothering you,
I'll just put it someplace else.
Now let's see,
where can I put it?
How about the crate it came in?
For crying out loud, Maude,
you're being unfair.
I mean, what about Phillip?
What about Phillip?
Well, Phillip makes all
kinds of noise around here.
Walter, you are
equating yourself,
a 50-year-old man
to your grandson?
Well he makes noise in
every room in the house.
I mean, he's got a kazoo
and a transistor radio.
You are equating your own
grandson to an electric organ?
Grubby, Walter, grubby.
Well, what do you want
me to do, throw him out?
All right, I will.
- Maude, I didn't say that.
- Phillip!
I love Phillip and of course
I want him to stay here.
But I'm crazy about that organ
and that's gonna stay
here too and that's final!
I'm gonna play this organ!
All right, Walter,
you are asking for it,
you are asking for it.
Walter!
(indistinct) you better hurry,
the pressure's
building up behind me.
Walter, if you don't stop,
I'm gonna hose myself to death.
You'd actually let me do it.
You would actually let me fill
myself up with dirty city water.
Where are you going?
Any place to get away from here.
Good riddance.
You belittle me,
you laugh at me,
you insult me!
It's just impossible in
this house for an artist.
All right, Walter, go, go.
But remember, Walter,
tonight when you
come crawling up
those stairs to me, no amnesty.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary, Walter.
Maude, what happened?
You friend is the
most selfish, stubborn,
bull-headed, arrogant...
- Argumentative.
- Argumentative.
- Pig-headed.
- Pig-headed.
- Chauvinistic.
- Exactly.
Funny, I've always
got along with him.
And you can have him.
If I never see him
again, it'll be too soon.
(car crashing)
Arthur, Arthur,
Walter just hit a tree.
Now, Maude, don't panic.
Me, panic?
Florida, Carol!
Arthur, what happened?
Walter's had an accident.
Oh, Maude.
It would be easier
to get the sofa to her.
Put her back here on the sofa.
No, no, no.
Walter, Walter. How is he?
Oh, oh, please...
please bring Walter back to me.
Why did I, oh, why
did I quarrel with him?
What did he do
that was so terrible?
Oh, please if you just
bring my Walter back to me,
I promise, I promise
I'll never argue with him again.
And I'll never argue
with you again, Maude.
Walter!
Oh Walter, oh Walter.
Oh, oh darling.
Oh, Walter, Walter,
oh, thank heavens you're alive.
Sweetheart,
when I felt the car
spin out of control
and I saw that
tree coming at me,
I could only think of one thing.
Oh, sweetheart.
I thought I would never
play the organ again.
Hi, everybody.
Hello, Arthur.
Where are the happy
honeymooners?
At their favorite restaurant.
They're out
celebrating their delayed
fifth anniversary tonight.
Oh, that's right.
Well, here's the prescription
your mother wanted
for her headache.
Oh, thank you.
You know, if she could ever
get rid of those lousy headaches,
everything would be
perfect around here.
Yeah, you wouldn't
believe the peace and quiet
around this house for
the last four days, it's eerie.
The only noise
we've heard all week
was after Mr. Finley
ate radishes.
Ever since the accident,
Maude and Walter have
been cooing like two doves.
Their attitudes made a great
change in the neighborhood.
People can sleep now
with their windows open.
We are so grateful
that he's still alive.
They're determined never
to fight or argue again.
It's kind of like
death takes a holiday.
You know what it is,
after four days, finally,
they discovered the
way to a happy marriage.
(music playing)
Having a good time, sweetheart?
Oh, marvelous darling.
How about you, dear?
Delicious.
You know, I can't remember
a more fun-filled evening.
Walter dear, you
are humming again.
I am? Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right dear,
I like it, I like your humming.
You do?
I'd like it even
more if you'd hum
the same tune the
orchestra's playing.
Oh, oh, what's the matter
dear, you got another headache?
Same one.
You got an aspirin?
Ow!
I'm sorry.
About what, dear?
I, I stepped on your toe.
You now, I didn't even
notice, was that you?
You know, darling,
we really are very lucky.
I'll say, finding a parking
place right out front.
Sweetheart, I meant about
your accident the other day.
Oh, yeah. (humming)
Darling, not that I mind, but,
you know, ever
since the accident,
you've had this nervous habit,
all you do is hum.
That's funny, I
wasn't aware of it.
Yeah, well, not that
I mind your hum, oh.
You still have that headache?
No, this is a new one,
the other one went away
when you stepped on my foot.
I'm sorry.
Sweetheart, to us.
Oh.
To five years of wedded bliss.
And to the past
four days, Walter,
four days without
one single argument,
the happiest four
days of our lives.
(humming)
Good martini.
And good Shirley Temple, too.
Very good.
Good.
Having a good time, dear?
Oh, better than good.
Good.
How about you, dear, are
you having a good time?
- Good.
- Good.
That's good.
You know, Walter
if I were president,
this is one conversation
I wouldn't tape.
I'm really having a
good time, Maude,
but I have to confess,
I used to have better
good times with you.
There seems to be
something missing.
You've noticed that too,
there is something
missing, Walter.
I wonder what it is.
I don't know, I mean, it's
nothing I can put my finger on.
(humming)
Wait a minute,
we used to laugh a lot when
we had good times before.
That's what's missing.
Of course, laughter,
that's probably what it is.
(laughs)
That's not it.
(humming)
Oh.
Where does it hurt?
Well it starts here and
then it goes over the eye,
down to my ear, where
there's kind of a dull pounding
and then around the
neck, across the shoulder,
around the clavicle,
where it sort of
has a throbbing sensation
and from there down
the spinal chord.
Enjoy your dinner.
Thank you, Philippe.
Where it stops at the
base of my sacroiliac.
- Walter, stand up.
- For what?
You're humming "The
Star-Spangled Banner."
Boy, this looks great.
Terrific.
How's yours?
Terrific.
What's the matter, Maude?
What do you mean,
nothing, nothing.
Is there something
wrong with your steak?
No, fine, fine.
Then why did you make a face?
I didn't make a face.
I saw you make a face, Maude.
I know when you make a face,
you went like this.
And I know what
I'm talking about.
Walter, please, will
you lower your voice?
You went like this, Maude.
And there's something
wrong with your steak.
Philippe!
Walter, there's nothing wrong
with my steak.
Is, is everything all right?
Fine, Philippe.
Philippe, Maude,
doesn't like her steak,
- bring her another one.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
I don't want another
one, this one's fine.
Philippe, she made
a face like this.
She made a face like that, aw.
Yes, bring her another steak.
I did not make a face like this.
I made a face like this.
You made a face like that,
oh, I must get
you another steak.
Good.
I don't want another steak
and please lower your voice.
I will not lower my voice
and bring her another steak!
Well, perhaps monsieur
would like another steak.
No!
Walter, I don't
want another steak
and please lower your voice.
I will not lower my voice!
Everyone is staring at you.
Good, let them stare
and you can tell us all
what's wrong with your steak.
You want to know what's
wrong with the steak?
I'll tell you what's
wrong with the steak.
They took a perfectly
good piece of well-aged,
prime beef and they ruined it.
Look, and listen!
I could put it back on the horse
it came from and
use it as a saddle.
Thank you, Philippe, it's fine.
The, the chef will be pleased.
Maude, why did you
order it well-done?
You usually order it medium.
Never in a French
restaurant, Walter,
they always
undercook their meat.
Then let me send it
back for you, why suffer?
Because I love suffering!
Now knock it off!
I beg your pardon.
But would you mind
lowering your voices?
Mother and I are celebrating
our wedding anniversary.
What do you think this
mother and I are doing?
Now, I'm gonna order
you another steak
whether you like it or not.
- Philippe!
- I don't want another steak.
Can't you get that
through your head?
- Then get something else.
- Like what?
Like poached salmon,
you love poached salmon.
You know, I never take
poached salmon on a headache.
Then get my steak and I'll
have the poached salmon.
I want my own steak.
(singing)
♪ Happy Anniversary to... ♪
We'll bring it back later.
See, you just embarrassed
me in front of the soprano.
I'll give him a big tip.
Philippe, here's a
tip, never get married!
Please, everybody
is looking at you.
Oh, yeah, I'll make
sure they can see us!
Walter, sit down!
Ladies and gentlemen,
announcement, announcement!
We are the Findlays
and we're having
one hell of a fight.
That's right.
I'm Walter and she's Maude,
the Tuckahoe Terror.
The most stubborn, the
most bull-headed woman.
You're the one who
is being stubborn,
you're the one who
started the scene in here,
you're the one who
from the moment we...
Walter, my headache's gone.
No kidding?
And I'm not humming.
I don't think I'm humming.
Am I humming, Maude?
Sweetheart, you haven't hummed
since you started yelling.
Well darling, don't you
see what's happening?
Our juices are
starting to flow again.
You mean we're arguing?
Right, we're arguing,
but we're alive, Walter
and it's exciting
and it's stimulating
and, oh, sweetheart, the
way we were, that wasn't us.
That's right.
How can two people in love
live together without conflict?
Okay, everybody,
announcement, announcement!
We're gonna shut up now.
(applause)
Oh, sweetheart, I'm really
beginning to have a good time.
Oh, so am I darling
and I promise you,
I will never not
argue with you again.
♪ Happy Anniversary to you ♪
Oh, happy anniversary, Maude.
Happy anniversary, Walter.
♪ Happy Anniversary,
Mr. and Mrs. Findlay ♪
♪ Happy Anniversary to you ♪
(applause)
Thanks for the
cornflakes, Florida.
I don't know how I ran out.
I do, you didn't buy any.
You're getting more
like Maude every day.
Say come to think of it,
I hear things are back to
normal with Maggie and Jiggs.
That's right. The ceasefire
ended at midnight.
Well, I suppose
it's all for the best.
(laughs)
♪ I'll be glad when you gone ♪
♪ You rascal you ♪
Hi, Florida.
Thanks for taking
care of the baby.
Oh.
Walter, I thought you and mother
decided to get
rid of that thing.
We reached a compromise.
Maude agreed to
let me play the organ
and I, I agreed to let her
take up an instrument too.
Oh, Lord, I bet she's gonna
take up the harmonica again.
I'll take the organ back.
I'll send it back.
Stop me now,
Walter, I'm rolling.
Maude, please.
(music playing)
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪