Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 11 - The Will - full transcript
Maude and Walter get into an argument over writing their wills and the items each list.
(music playing)
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin',
right on, Maude ♪
Oh, Florida, have
you seen my studs?
No.
And what about my tie?
Is my tie ready?
Mr. Findlay, I
only got two hands.
But, Florida, I need
my studs and my tie.
I got to press Carol's
no press jacket.
Mrs. Findlay gave
me her pumps to polish
and nobody has
given me time to go
where I had to go
20 minutes ago.
I'm not dancing
because I got natural
rhythm, you know.
But, Florida, I need my
studs and my tie now.
It's not every day
that Maude and I
get an award at a big dinner.
And the committee will be here
in less than a half
an hour to pick us up.
Florida please, press my tie.
If you don't get
out of this kitchen,
I'm gonna pleat your mustache.
Carol, do you know
where Florida put my studs?
Unh-unh.
Oh, Florida, dear...
Two minutes, just two minutes.
I still need my tie.
Is there any more hot coffee
out there in the kitchen?
Florida dear, did
you call the cleaners?
But, Florida, I can't go to
that meal without my shirt or...
Wait a minute!
Now in case you
folks want to re-read
the Emancipation Proclamation,
it's out there in the kitchen
printed on the back of
a box of Quaker Oats.
Carol, I didn't hear
what Florida said,
did she call the cleaners?
Eighteen times, Mother,
they said it's on its way.
Maude, have you seen my studs?
I've looked upstairs, I
can't find them downstairs.
Now, why is it
whenever you need one,
you can never find
a stud around here?
I know, Walter.
(telephone ringing)
Hello.
Oh, hello, Grace,
oh, listen, no, I don't...
Grace, please dear, stop crying.
Now, look, I can't.
Walter and I have to...
I know, Grace, I know, Grace,
I know, Grace.
Grace Roberts, her husband
got her in a terrible mess.
Chubby Roberts?
I thought he died.
He did die.
And that's how it got
her in a terrible mess.
Something about his will.
I know, Grace, I know, Grace,
I know, Grace.
Darn cleaner. He was
supposed to be here
at 2:00 this afternoon
with my dress.
I'll just have to wear
something different.
Listen, Viv, I do
value your opinion so...
Well, oh, I just love them both.
Your taste is in your elbow.
This one is so old,
Goodwill sent it to me.
And this green velvet
makes me look like
a lumpy snooker table.
It's the biggest
night of my life
and I'll look a mess, a mess.
Maude, I can't find
my studs any place,
where did you hide them?
Walter, you had them earlier,
did you check your pockets?
Did I check my pockets?
Did I check my pock...
That's a good boy.
And before you leave the house,
make sure to visit
tinkle-tankle town.
Oh, Florida dear,
what would you wear
to a cocktail party
followed by a formal dinner?
Me?
Oh, I just got one
choice for those affairs.
I wear basic black,
a tiny white apron
and a tray of hors d'oeuvres.
Just what we need around here.
A road company Moms Mabley.
Carol, honey, that's
probably my dress.
I know, Grace, I know, Grace.
- Hi, beautiful.
- Chris.
Hey, everybody.
Did you know that my
future in-laws are famous?
(indistinct chatter)
Oh, Walter.
Let me see. I'll read it.
Mr. and Ms. Walter Findlay
have been selected as
West Chester County's
Husband and Wife of the Year
by the American
Council for Women
for their contributions
to the fight
for the State's Ratification
of the Equal Rights
Amendment for Women.
Here you read the rest.
(indistinct chatter)
The prominent ramrod
will be... Ramrod?
Oh, they must be
talking about you, Maude.
Oh, give me that.
"The prominent couple
will be honored tonight
in the Ramrod Room of
the Tuckahoe Country Club."
(indistinct chatter)
Wait a second,
wait a second now.
Maude is the Wife of the Year.
I'm just going
along for the ride.
Maude, I'm so proud of you.
Oh, you're sweet. And
I'm glad you feel that way
Then you won't be too upset
if I go to the affair tonight
stark naked.
Oh, I'll kill that cleaner.
Grace.
I know, Grace, the
nerve of that woman.
She hung up on me.
Say, Maude, if you don't
have a dress to wear,
I may have something
you can cover yourself with.
After I saw the
paper this morning,
I rushed out to one of
those specialty stores and...
(indistinct chatter)
Oh, sweet darling,
how thoughtful of you.
Oh, Walter, you
know, I never realized
what a beautiful couple we are.
Yeah. You're very
handsome Walter,
such nice, open pores.
Gosh, I never saw such
a big picture in my life.
It looks like a snapshot
for Wilt Chamberlain's wallet.
(laughter)
I made a joke.
Arthur's sense of humor
must be rubbing off on me.
Better on you
than on us, Vivian.
Hello.
(crowd chatter)
Arthur, you look lovely.
I do, don't I?
And to think that with
that shirt and that jacket
you had the innate good
taste not to clutter it up
with the earrings
and a jeweled comb.
Thank you, Maudie.
Hark, what light through
yonder living room breaks?
Tis' the east.
And Vivian is the sun.
(laughter)
Good heavens, we do bring
out the best in each other,
don't we?
So did Bonnie and Clyde.
Hey, that is some picture.
That looks like a snapshot
for Wilt Chamberlain's wallet.
Arthur, that's exactly
the same thing I said.
Really?
Vivian, has a marvelous
sense of humor,
- don't you think so, Maudie?
- (telephone rings)
Saved by the bell.
Hello.
Oh, hello, Grace.
Listen, no, Grace, I can't...
I can't talk to you now.
No, I am... I am
a Wife of the Year.
I know, Grace, I know, Grace.
Florida, keep saying
"I know, Grace"
every so often until
the poor thing hangs up.
I know, Grace, I know, Grace.
You know, life
is so full of irony.
I mean, here I am
Wife of the Year,
in the struggle for
equal rights for women
because of my wonderful,
emancipated husband.
And there's poor Grace
Roberts, her husband Chubby died
and left her with a will
that tied up every nickel.
Every single nickel.
Oh, she'll never forgive him.
You know, she puts fresh
flowers on his grave every day
just because he had hay fever.
Maude, would you help with this?
The Findlays, Husband
and Wife of the Year.
Very clever of you,
Walter, to get down
on this woman's equality thing.
What are you
talking about, Arthur?
Oh, come on, Maudie, you
know what an old fox Walter is,
women buy washing machines,
he sells washing machines.
So?
Well, what better way
to get in with the ladies
than to subscribe to this
equal rights nonsense.
Nonsense?!
Forget it, Maude, maybe I'd
better wear my snap-on tie.
Just hold still.
Arthur, you can't bear
the thought of a woman
being your equal, can you?
Well, let me tell you something,
30 states have already
ratified that amendment.
Only eight more to go
and it's gonna be
the law of the land.
Well, Maude, I'm not saying
the amendment is all bad.
I believe in equal
pay for equal jobs.
I think female secretaries
should get the same pay
as male secretaries.
Yeah, but what about
executives, Arthur?
How do you feel about equal pay
for men and women executives?
Women shouldn't be
executives, they're too emotional.
Too emotional?
- Forget it, Maude.
- See?
Right away you get emotional.
Can you imagine what it
would be like in this country
if we had a woman president?
Heaven help us if
the hotline should ring
at the wrong time of the month.
Arthur Harmon,
are you telling me
that President Nixon
is not at all emotional?
That that's just dew that
we see on his upper lip?
Stop moving, your Adam's
apple keeps loosening the tie.
Maude, will you wait a
second? Just wait a second?
Arthur, I don't want you to
aggravate Maude anymore.
It just so happens that
I'm very proud of her
and I'm for women's
equality too, 100%.
What's more, I bet
you don't even know
what the equal rights
amendment says.
I'll tell you what it says.
Equal rights amendment,
equality of rights under the law
shall not be denied or
abridged by the United States
or any state on account of sex.
That's all? Just one sentence?
That's it.
A tangled web of legal
mumbo-jumbo, if you ask me.
Honey, you tried.
Arthur, how can you say that?
Arthur, you got to
change the subject.
No, no, no, no.
This equal rights
amendments strikes
at the very heart of
the American family.
We'll end up with a country
full of working mothers,
neglected husbands,
and crying children.
All because of women's lib.
Arthur, forget women's lib.
Arthur, forget the
so-called, movement.
Arthur, this is something
that is bigger than all of that,
this is... this is
something unorganized,
this is a feeling, Arthur.
It's a tidal wave of feeling
that is sweeping through the
hearts of women everywhere.
Women simply want to
pursue life on an equal basis.
(indistinct chatter)
Wives and mothers,
they just want to be equal.
(indistinct chatter)
Walter, how can I fix your tie
with you on the floor?
Oh, let me alone,
wear your snap-on.
Goodbye, Grace.
Grace said goodbye.
That oughta scare the
termites out of the house.
(doorbell rings)
Coming.
I'm coming.
Well, where have you been?
Jeez, lady, I had to
deliver five tuxedos,
a bunch of nutty dames are
dragging their poor husbands
to some stupid thing
for women's rights.
(laughter)
Give me the dress.
All the buttons are missing.
We ain't responsible
for missing buttons.
That'll be $2.50.
Well, you certainly don't think
I'm going to give
you $2.50 for this.
I certainly do.
Then all your
buttons are missing.
Carol, it is ruined,
- ruined, ruined.
- It's not ruined, Mother.
Florida can put new
buttons on that in a minute.
I think I'll help.
Listen, Maude, just relax.
This evening is
going to be fine.
Besides, Maude, don't
worry if you're a little late,
they expect that of a woman.
Expect that of a woman?
That's exactly the kind of thing
that I would expect
from you, Arthur Harmon.
Thank heavens I
am married to Walter.
A man who treats
women like human beings.
(telephone rings)
Hello, Grace, I know, Grace.
I know, Grace.
I know, Grace.
I know, Grace.
Your male superiority.
You're as bad as
Grace's husband Chubby.
Dies and leaves her with a will
that absolutely ties
her hand and foot.
You know that poor thing
can't even sell her own home
without the
trustee's permission?
She can't do anything without
the trustee's permission.
Oh, come on, Maude,
what Chubby Roberts did
for his wife is
perfectly admirable.
Appointing a trustee
protects the little woman.
Protect my foot.
You mean control?
Well my Walter
doesn't wanna control
his little woman from the grave.
That's why we are Husband
and Wife of the Year.
Tell him, Walter,
tell him that you
don't have a trustee
to control my life.
Come on, honey, tell him.
All right, Walter,
who's the trustee?
God's wife will get
you for this, Walter.
- Carol, Vivian.
- What is it?
- I am not going.
- You're what?
I am not going.
How can I accept an award
as the woman of the year
in the fight for equal
rights for women
when I can't even be
equal in my own home?
Mother, what are
you talking about?
No, I will tell the committee
when they get here.
You guys go without me.
Mother, what happened?
Maude, we have to go.
We're Husband
and Wife of the Year.
We are the frauds
of the year, Walter.
Oh, it just shows you
what kind of a year it's been.
Nixon, Agnew, Watergate, now us.
Walter, what if she
won't listen to you?
Now, look, don't worry
now, we'll be there.
I guarantee you that if anybody
can handle Maude, I can.
All right, Walter,
but I'll tell you this,
as your trustee, I'm sure
gonna hate to see you die.
When you are gone, she's
gonna be hell to live with.
Sweetheart, would you
make a phone call for me.
Of course, honey, who
do you want me to call?
- The bank.
- The bank?
Maude, they have
nothing to do with my will.
No, honey, I mean
the blood bank.
You're gonna need it.
- Now, look, Maude...
- Walter Findlay,
how could you do this to me?
Maude, please, we
have a planned estate...
We have a trustee because
I want you to be protected.
I want you to be taken
care of after I'm gone.
Now, why should that upset you?
It upsets me Walter
that you don't trust me
to take care of my own life.
But I do trust you, Maude.
Then why are you
trying to control my life
from the grave?
I am not trying to control
your life from the grave.
Maude, I spent weeks
going over my will
with my attorneys
and my accountants
making sure that
every detail was perfect
so that you would be protected.
I don't even understand
it all and I'm a man.
I didn't mean that
the way it sounded.
Maude, there's a
lot of stake if I die.
My assets, ongoing business.
Walter, I am not helpless?
Haven't you noticed?
Damn it, Maude, if anything
should happen to me,
that business is
your financial security.
And it's very
important to me too.
I mean, Findlay's
appliances is...
well, it's so important
that it's hard to talk about.
Oh, sweetheart, I understand.
Oh, honey, every man has
to leave a piece of himself
so that the world will
know he's been here,
I mean Ford left the automobile
and Einstein left a theory,
Edison left the light bulb,
and you, you're leaving
Findlay's Friendly Appliances.
You do understand.
Oh, of course,
darling, of course.
Findlay's Appliances is
your claim to immortality.
And, Walter, sweetheart,
I wouldn't do anything
to change that.
As a matter of fact,
I'm going to have the AY
in the neon sign repaired
so that after you're gone,
it won't continue to read
Findl's Appliances.
Make jokes if you
want to, Maude,
but you don't know what
it's like out there for widows.
No, and you do.
Yes, because I heard,
it's open season for
widows out there Maude,
and your terrible loneliness
and hysterical grief
at my tragic passing,
how can I be sure
that you won't fall
for some tall, handsome,
smooth-talking louse,
who will pick you
clean in six months?
Walter.
Walter, I love you.
And I'll mourn for you, Walter,
and I'll never want
anybody but you, Walter.
But look, let's
assume the worst.
You have passed away.
And I have met a tall,
handsome, smooth-talking louse
who picks me clean in six months
while making mad,
passionate love to me,
Walter, allow me to
make my own mistakes.
The more I think about it,
please let me make
me my own mistakes.
Walter, darling, trust me.
It isn't a question
of not trusting you.
Yes, it is, Walter,
and that's all it is,
and I don't wanna hear another
word about it, not another word.
If that isn't just like a woman.
A man knocks himself
out trying to explain.
If you'll feel better, explain.
All I wanted to say, Maude.
♪ Everyone is talking at me ♪
Maude.
♪ I don't hear a
word they're saying ♪
You got another think coming.
Oh, Florida dear,
forget about the dress,
I'm not going tonight.
Now, listen, I can't hear you
so if you think I'm doing
the right thing by not going
nod once,
if you think I'm
wrong, nod twice.
That's enough.
Thank you.
I knew I could
count on you, Florida.
You're going to be
a great comfort to me
in my old age when
my hearing fails.
We're going to that dinner.
Screwball city.
I'm warning you,
I'm gonna yell in
your ear, Maude.
I'm yelling in your left ear
whether you can hear me or not.
Maude, I'm not changing my
will because I'm your husband.
I'm your protector.
I'm your piece of the rock.
Maude, I married
you to take care of you
and not till just death
do as part either, Maude,
because I'm not letting my
grieving helpless, little, old widow
get taken by some
greasy haired gigolo.
- Walter!
- Oh, you heard
greasy haired
gigolo, didn't you?
No.
I heard little old widow.
And every other crooked
word that limped out
of your two faces.
Oh, women!
There hasn't been a
moment's peace in this house
since Bobby Riggs blew it.
(doorbell rings)
Walter, you're badly mistaken.
Well, it is, as far
as I'm concerned.
- Good evening.
- Hello.
Hi, there.
We're the Hausers and
these are the Cronins.
- Oh good.
- And we're here to pick up
our Husband and
Wife of the Year.
They will be down
in just one minute.
- Why don't you come in?
- Oh, I'd love to.
Now I'm telling
you another thing,
when I'm gone, I don't
want any greasy-head gigolo
rolling into my bed, either.
Mr. and Mrs. Findlay
are still getting dressed.
If I want a greasy-head
gigolo in my bed,
that's my business.
And Mrs. Findlay is rehearsing
her acceptance speech.
- Now, you listen to me, Maude.
- You stop following me, Walter.
I'm sick and tired
of your attitude,
I mean you're
preempting the male role.
Okay, you wanna wear the
pants in the family, okay, here.
Wear the pants.
Walter, if you are stupid enough
to stand around in
your under shorts,
- let me tell you one thing.
- What?
Our company is here.
(laughter)
What's so damn funny?
A, Walter, your bony knees.
And, B, the expression
on their faces.
Hi, there, Hausers, Cronins.
See?
I just realized
something, Walter,
I just realized that I
don't want your pants.
I don't want anything of yours.
I'm sorry, I'm so late,
I'll be down in just a minute.
Maude, you are going?
Of course I'm going.
I think I owe you an apology.
If I had known the
husband of the year
was going to take
his pants down,
I would've done a better
job of ironing his shorts.
Maude, now we're going?
Is that what I heard you say?
All of a sudden,
now we're going?
I'm going, Walter, you're not.
You're going, what
are you talking about?
Out of my way, Walter.
I am a woman and
because I am a woman,
I must make myself
beautiful for the dinner tonight.
Good Lord, I have such
as wonderful head start.
Now, come on Maude,
you can't accept the Husband
and The Wife of the Year awards
without a husband.
Walter, I am accepting
the Wife of the Year award.
I have also just become the
most liberated woman of the year.
Why didn't I think of it before?
Walter, darling, I have decided,
I am not accepting your estate.
Well, wait, wait,
what do you mean?
What are you talking about?
Of course, you're
accepting my estate.
No, I'm not.
I have just cut
myself out of your will.
I don't want your
protection, Walter.
I don't want your money.
I don't want Findl's Appliances.
After you're gone, Arthur
can take your piece of the rock
and jump in a lake with it.
You mean that you
would give up everything
I wanna leave you just
because you don't like my will?
That's right.
That is absolutely
right, Walter.
I would rather
be free, and poor,
and struggling on my own
than be safe and secure
under somebody else's control.
Well, I don't believe
that I just heard that.
And you can't do this to me.
You've got to accept my estate.
Sorry, sweetheart,
you had your chance,
and like Bobby
Riggs, you blew it.
Maude, you've got
to accept my estate.
I mean what will happen
if word gets around,
I'll be humiliated.
That's your problem, not mine.
Walter, I am free.
I am free as a bird.
I am Maude Livingston Seagull.
Oh, honey, I am free,
free, free to make
my own decisions.
- Stop flapping your wings...
- Free to make my own mistakes.
I am free of shackles.
Maude, sit.
Now, I've had it.
And I want you to
listen to me for a change.
Nobody is going to make me
a laughingstock at a cemetery.
Now, when I die you're
going to take everything I got.
Walter, stop threatening me.
Maude, no man has
ever left his wife everything
and had her refuse it.
I will not be made a fool of,
now I'm not asking
you, I am telling you.
Walter, now you're
not only threatening me,
you're yelling at me.
Maude, please.
All right, all right.
We won't have a trustee,
I'll give you that
one small point
and you could do anything
you want with the estate
but damn it, you're gonna
take everything I got.
Do you hear me, Maude?
You're taking everything I got
and with no strings attached.
All right, Walter.
You win as usual.
I've never been so
embarrassed in my life.
Oh, come on.
To get up in an equal
rights banquet and say,
"Thanks for making me
The Husband of the Year,
with my wife, it ain't easy."
Maude, it was a joke.
A joke? I've got a joke for you.
Walter...
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin',
right on, Maude ♪
Oh, Florida, have
you seen my studs?
No.
And what about my tie?
Is my tie ready?
Mr. Findlay, I
only got two hands.
But, Florida, I need
my studs and my tie.
I got to press Carol's
no press jacket.
Mrs. Findlay gave
me her pumps to polish
and nobody has
given me time to go
where I had to go
20 minutes ago.
I'm not dancing
because I got natural
rhythm, you know.
But, Florida, I need my
studs and my tie now.
It's not every day
that Maude and I
get an award at a big dinner.
And the committee will be here
in less than a half
an hour to pick us up.
Florida please, press my tie.
If you don't get
out of this kitchen,
I'm gonna pleat your mustache.
Carol, do you know
where Florida put my studs?
Unh-unh.
Oh, Florida, dear...
Two minutes, just two minutes.
I still need my tie.
Is there any more hot coffee
out there in the kitchen?
Florida dear, did
you call the cleaners?
But, Florida, I can't go to
that meal without my shirt or...
Wait a minute!
Now in case you
folks want to re-read
the Emancipation Proclamation,
it's out there in the kitchen
printed on the back of
a box of Quaker Oats.
Carol, I didn't hear
what Florida said,
did she call the cleaners?
Eighteen times, Mother,
they said it's on its way.
Maude, have you seen my studs?
I've looked upstairs, I
can't find them downstairs.
Now, why is it
whenever you need one,
you can never find
a stud around here?
I know, Walter.
(telephone ringing)
Hello.
Oh, hello, Grace,
oh, listen, no, I don't...
Grace, please dear, stop crying.
Now, look, I can't.
Walter and I have to...
I know, Grace, I know, Grace,
I know, Grace.
Grace Roberts, her husband
got her in a terrible mess.
Chubby Roberts?
I thought he died.
He did die.
And that's how it got
her in a terrible mess.
Something about his will.
I know, Grace, I know, Grace,
I know, Grace.
Darn cleaner. He was
supposed to be here
at 2:00 this afternoon
with my dress.
I'll just have to wear
something different.
Listen, Viv, I do
value your opinion so...
Well, oh, I just love them both.
Your taste is in your elbow.
This one is so old,
Goodwill sent it to me.
And this green velvet
makes me look like
a lumpy snooker table.
It's the biggest
night of my life
and I'll look a mess, a mess.
Maude, I can't find
my studs any place,
where did you hide them?
Walter, you had them earlier,
did you check your pockets?
Did I check my pockets?
Did I check my pock...
That's a good boy.
And before you leave the house,
make sure to visit
tinkle-tankle town.
Oh, Florida dear,
what would you wear
to a cocktail party
followed by a formal dinner?
Me?
Oh, I just got one
choice for those affairs.
I wear basic black,
a tiny white apron
and a tray of hors d'oeuvres.
Just what we need around here.
A road company Moms Mabley.
Carol, honey, that's
probably my dress.
I know, Grace, I know, Grace.
- Hi, beautiful.
- Chris.
Hey, everybody.
Did you know that my
future in-laws are famous?
(indistinct chatter)
Oh, Walter.
Let me see. I'll read it.
Mr. and Ms. Walter Findlay
have been selected as
West Chester County's
Husband and Wife of the Year
by the American
Council for Women
for their contributions
to the fight
for the State's Ratification
of the Equal Rights
Amendment for Women.
Here you read the rest.
(indistinct chatter)
The prominent ramrod
will be... Ramrod?
Oh, they must be
talking about you, Maude.
Oh, give me that.
"The prominent couple
will be honored tonight
in the Ramrod Room of
the Tuckahoe Country Club."
(indistinct chatter)
Wait a second,
wait a second now.
Maude is the Wife of the Year.
I'm just going
along for the ride.
Maude, I'm so proud of you.
Oh, you're sweet. And
I'm glad you feel that way
Then you won't be too upset
if I go to the affair tonight
stark naked.
Oh, I'll kill that cleaner.
Grace.
I know, Grace, the
nerve of that woman.
She hung up on me.
Say, Maude, if you don't
have a dress to wear,
I may have something
you can cover yourself with.
After I saw the
paper this morning,
I rushed out to one of
those specialty stores and...
(indistinct chatter)
Oh, sweet darling,
how thoughtful of you.
Oh, Walter, you
know, I never realized
what a beautiful couple we are.
Yeah. You're very
handsome Walter,
such nice, open pores.
Gosh, I never saw such
a big picture in my life.
It looks like a snapshot
for Wilt Chamberlain's wallet.
(laughter)
I made a joke.
Arthur's sense of humor
must be rubbing off on me.
Better on you
than on us, Vivian.
Hello.
(crowd chatter)
Arthur, you look lovely.
I do, don't I?
And to think that with
that shirt and that jacket
you had the innate good
taste not to clutter it up
with the earrings
and a jeweled comb.
Thank you, Maudie.
Hark, what light through
yonder living room breaks?
Tis' the east.
And Vivian is the sun.
(laughter)
Good heavens, we do bring
out the best in each other,
don't we?
So did Bonnie and Clyde.
Hey, that is some picture.
That looks like a snapshot
for Wilt Chamberlain's wallet.
Arthur, that's exactly
the same thing I said.
Really?
Vivian, has a marvelous
sense of humor,
- don't you think so, Maudie?
- (telephone rings)
Saved by the bell.
Hello.
Oh, hello, Grace.
Listen, no, Grace, I can't...
I can't talk to you now.
No, I am... I am
a Wife of the Year.
I know, Grace, I know, Grace.
Florida, keep saying
"I know, Grace"
every so often until
the poor thing hangs up.
I know, Grace, I know, Grace.
You know, life
is so full of irony.
I mean, here I am
Wife of the Year,
in the struggle for
equal rights for women
because of my wonderful,
emancipated husband.
And there's poor Grace
Roberts, her husband Chubby died
and left her with a will
that tied up every nickel.
Every single nickel.
Oh, she'll never forgive him.
You know, she puts fresh
flowers on his grave every day
just because he had hay fever.
Maude, would you help with this?
The Findlays, Husband
and Wife of the Year.
Very clever of you,
Walter, to get down
on this woman's equality thing.
What are you
talking about, Arthur?
Oh, come on, Maudie, you
know what an old fox Walter is,
women buy washing machines,
he sells washing machines.
So?
Well, what better way
to get in with the ladies
than to subscribe to this
equal rights nonsense.
Nonsense?!
Forget it, Maude, maybe I'd
better wear my snap-on tie.
Just hold still.
Arthur, you can't bear
the thought of a woman
being your equal, can you?
Well, let me tell you something,
30 states have already
ratified that amendment.
Only eight more to go
and it's gonna be
the law of the land.
Well, Maude, I'm not saying
the amendment is all bad.
I believe in equal
pay for equal jobs.
I think female secretaries
should get the same pay
as male secretaries.
Yeah, but what about
executives, Arthur?
How do you feel about equal pay
for men and women executives?
Women shouldn't be
executives, they're too emotional.
Too emotional?
- Forget it, Maude.
- See?
Right away you get emotional.
Can you imagine what it
would be like in this country
if we had a woman president?
Heaven help us if
the hotline should ring
at the wrong time of the month.
Arthur Harmon,
are you telling me
that President Nixon
is not at all emotional?
That that's just dew that
we see on his upper lip?
Stop moving, your Adam's
apple keeps loosening the tie.
Maude, will you wait a
second? Just wait a second?
Arthur, I don't want you to
aggravate Maude anymore.
It just so happens that
I'm very proud of her
and I'm for women's
equality too, 100%.
What's more, I bet
you don't even know
what the equal rights
amendment says.
I'll tell you what it says.
Equal rights amendment,
equality of rights under the law
shall not be denied or
abridged by the United States
or any state on account of sex.
That's all? Just one sentence?
That's it.
A tangled web of legal
mumbo-jumbo, if you ask me.
Honey, you tried.
Arthur, how can you say that?
Arthur, you got to
change the subject.
No, no, no, no.
This equal rights
amendments strikes
at the very heart of
the American family.
We'll end up with a country
full of working mothers,
neglected husbands,
and crying children.
All because of women's lib.
Arthur, forget women's lib.
Arthur, forget the
so-called, movement.
Arthur, this is something
that is bigger than all of that,
this is... this is
something unorganized,
this is a feeling, Arthur.
It's a tidal wave of feeling
that is sweeping through the
hearts of women everywhere.
Women simply want to
pursue life on an equal basis.
(indistinct chatter)
Wives and mothers,
they just want to be equal.
(indistinct chatter)
Walter, how can I fix your tie
with you on the floor?
Oh, let me alone,
wear your snap-on.
Goodbye, Grace.
Grace said goodbye.
That oughta scare the
termites out of the house.
(doorbell rings)
Coming.
I'm coming.
Well, where have you been?
Jeez, lady, I had to
deliver five tuxedos,
a bunch of nutty dames are
dragging their poor husbands
to some stupid thing
for women's rights.
(laughter)
Give me the dress.
All the buttons are missing.
We ain't responsible
for missing buttons.
That'll be $2.50.
Well, you certainly don't think
I'm going to give
you $2.50 for this.
I certainly do.
Then all your
buttons are missing.
Carol, it is ruined,
- ruined, ruined.
- It's not ruined, Mother.
Florida can put new
buttons on that in a minute.
I think I'll help.
Listen, Maude, just relax.
This evening is
going to be fine.
Besides, Maude, don't
worry if you're a little late,
they expect that of a woman.
Expect that of a woman?
That's exactly the kind of thing
that I would expect
from you, Arthur Harmon.
Thank heavens I
am married to Walter.
A man who treats
women like human beings.
(telephone rings)
Hello, Grace, I know, Grace.
I know, Grace.
I know, Grace.
I know, Grace.
Your male superiority.
You're as bad as
Grace's husband Chubby.
Dies and leaves her with a will
that absolutely ties
her hand and foot.
You know that poor thing
can't even sell her own home
without the
trustee's permission?
She can't do anything without
the trustee's permission.
Oh, come on, Maude,
what Chubby Roberts did
for his wife is
perfectly admirable.
Appointing a trustee
protects the little woman.
Protect my foot.
You mean control?
Well my Walter
doesn't wanna control
his little woman from the grave.
That's why we are Husband
and Wife of the Year.
Tell him, Walter,
tell him that you
don't have a trustee
to control my life.
Come on, honey, tell him.
All right, Walter,
who's the trustee?
God's wife will get
you for this, Walter.
- Carol, Vivian.
- What is it?
- I am not going.
- You're what?
I am not going.
How can I accept an award
as the woman of the year
in the fight for equal
rights for women
when I can't even be
equal in my own home?
Mother, what are
you talking about?
No, I will tell the committee
when they get here.
You guys go without me.
Mother, what happened?
Maude, we have to go.
We're Husband
and Wife of the Year.
We are the frauds
of the year, Walter.
Oh, it just shows you
what kind of a year it's been.
Nixon, Agnew, Watergate, now us.
Walter, what if she
won't listen to you?
Now, look, don't worry
now, we'll be there.
I guarantee you that if anybody
can handle Maude, I can.
All right, Walter,
but I'll tell you this,
as your trustee, I'm sure
gonna hate to see you die.
When you are gone, she's
gonna be hell to live with.
Sweetheart, would you
make a phone call for me.
Of course, honey, who
do you want me to call?
- The bank.
- The bank?
Maude, they have
nothing to do with my will.
No, honey, I mean
the blood bank.
You're gonna need it.
- Now, look, Maude...
- Walter Findlay,
how could you do this to me?
Maude, please, we
have a planned estate...
We have a trustee because
I want you to be protected.
I want you to be taken
care of after I'm gone.
Now, why should that upset you?
It upsets me Walter
that you don't trust me
to take care of my own life.
But I do trust you, Maude.
Then why are you
trying to control my life
from the grave?
I am not trying to control
your life from the grave.
Maude, I spent weeks
going over my will
with my attorneys
and my accountants
making sure that
every detail was perfect
so that you would be protected.
I don't even understand
it all and I'm a man.
I didn't mean that
the way it sounded.
Maude, there's a
lot of stake if I die.
My assets, ongoing business.
Walter, I am not helpless?
Haven't you noticed?
Damn it, Maude, if anything
should happen to me,
that business is
your financial security.
And it's very
important to me too.
I mean, Findlay's
appliances is...
well, it's so important
that it's hard to talk about.
Oh, sweetheart, I understand.
Oh, honey, every man has
to leave a piece of himself
so that the world will
know he's been here,
I mean Ford left the automobile
and Einstein left a theory,
Edison left the light bulb,
and you, you're leaving
Findlay's Friendly Appliances.
You do understand.
Oh, of course,
darling, of course.
Findlay's Appliances is
your claim to immortality.
And, Walter, sweetheart,
I wouldn't do anything
to change that.
As a matter of fact,
I'm going to have the AY
in the neon sign repaired
so that after you're gone,
it won't continue to read
Findl's Appliances.
Make jokes if you
want to, Maude,
but you don't know what
it's like out there for widows.
No, and you do.
Yes, because I heard,
it's open season for
widows out there Maude,
and your terrible loneliness
and hysterical grief
at my tragic passing,
how can I be sure
that you won't fall
for some tall, handsome,
smooth-talking louse,
who will pick you
clean in six months?
Walter.
Walter, I love you.
And I'll mourn for you, Walter,
and I'll never want
anybody but you, Walter.
But look, let's
assume the worst.
You have passed away.
And I have met a tall,
handsome, smooth-talking louse
who picks me clean in six months
while making mad,
passionate love to me,
Walter, allow me to
make my own mistakes.
The more I think about it,
please let me make
me my own mistakes.
Walter, darling, trust me.
It isn't a question
of not trusting you.
Yes, it is, Walter,
and that's all it is,
and I don't wanna hear another
word about it, not another word.
If that isn't just like a woman.
A man knocks himself
out trying to explain.
If you'll feel better, explain.
All I wanted to say, Maude.
♪ Everyone is talking at me ♪
Maude.
♪ I don't hear a
word they're saying ♪
You got another think coming.
Oh, Florida dear,
forget about the dress,
I'm not going tonight.
Now, listen, I can't hear you
so if you think I'm doing
the right thing by not going
nod once,
if you think I'm
wrong, nod twice.
That's enough.
Thank you.
I knew I could
count on you, Florida.
You're going to be
a great comfort to me
in my old age when
my hearing fails.
We're going to that dinner.
Screwball city.
I'm warning you,
I'm gonna yell in
your ear, Maude.
I'm yelling in your left ear
whether you can hear me or not.
Maude, I'm not changing my
will because I'm your husband.
I'm your protector.
I'm your piece of the rock.
Maude, I married
you to take care of you
and not till just death
do as part either, Maude,
because I'm not letting my
grieving helpless, little, old widow
get taken by some
greasy haired gigolo.
- Walter!
- Oh, you heard
greasy haired
gigolo, didn't you?
No.
I heard little old widow.
And every other crooked
word that limped out
of your two faces.
Oh, women!
There hasn't been a
moment's peace in this house
since Bobby Riggs blew it.
(doorbell rings)
Walter, you're badly mistaken.
Well, it is, as far
as I'm concerned.
- Good evening.
- Hello.
Hi, there.
We're the Hausers and
these are the Cronins.
- Oh good.
- And we're here to pick up
our Husband and
Wife of the Year.
They will be down
in just one minute.
- Why don't you come in?
- Oh, I'd love to.
Now I'm telling
you another thing,
when I'm gone, I don't
want any greasy-head gigolo
rolling into my bed, either.
Mr. and Mrs. Findlay
are still getting dressed.
If I want a greasy-head
gigolo in my bed,
that's my business.
And Mrs. Findlay is rehearsing
her acceptance speech.
- Now, you listen to me, Maude.
- You stop following me, Walter.
I'm sick and tired
of your attitude,
I mean you're
preempting the male role.
Okay, you wanna wear the
pants in the family, okay, here.
Wear the pants.
Walter, if you are stupid enough
to stand around in
your under shorts,
- let me tell you one thing.
- What?
Our company is here.
(laughter)
What's so damn funny?
A, Walter, your bony knees.
And, B, the expression
on their faces.
Hi, there, Hausers, Cronins.
See?
I just realized
something, Walter,
I just realized that I
don't want your pants.
I don't want anything of yours.
I'm sorry, I'm so late,
I'll be down in just a minute.
Maude, you are going?
Of course I'm going.
I think I owe you an apology.
If I had known the
husband of the year
was going to take
his pants down,
I would've done a better
job of ironing his shorts.
Maude, now we're going?
Is that what I heard you say?
All of a sudden,
now we're going?
I'm going, Walter, you're not.
You're going, what
are you talking about?
Out of my way, Walter.
I am a woman and
because I am a woman,
I must make myself
beautiful for the dinner tonight.
Good Lord, I have such
as wonderful head start.
Now, come on Maude,
you can't accept the Husband
and The Wife of the Year awards
without a husband.
Walter, I am accepting
the Wife of the Year award.
I have also just become the
most liberated woman of the year.
Why didn't I think of it before?
Walter, darling, I have decided,
I am not accepting your estate.
Well, wait, wait,
what do you mean?
What are you talking about?
Of course, you're
accepting my estate.
No, I'm not.
I have just cut
myself out of your will.
I don't want your
protection, Walter.
I don't want your money.
I don't want Findl's Appliances.
After you're gone, Arthur
can take your piece of the rock
and jump in a lake with it.
You mean that you
would give up everything
I wanna leave you just
because you don't like my will?
That's right.
That is absolutely
right, Walter.
I would rather
be free, and poor,
and struggling on my own
than be safe and secure
under somebody else's control.
Well, I don't believe
that I just heard that.
And you can't do this to me.
You've got to accept my estate.
Sorry, sweetheart,
you had your chance,
and like Bobby
Riggs, you blew it.
Maude, you've got
to accept my estate.
I mean what will happen
if word gets around,
I'll be humiliated.
That's your problem, not mine.
Walter, I am free.
I am free as a bird.
I am Maude Livingston Seagull.
Oh, honey, I am free,
free, free to make
my own decisions.
- Stop flapping your wings...
- Free to make my own mistakes.
I am free of shackles.
Maude, sit.
Now, I've had it.
And I want you to
listen to me for a change.
Nobody is going to make me
a laughingstock at a cemetery.
Now, when I die you're
going to take everything I got.
Walter, stop threatening me.
Maude, no man has
ever left his wife everything
and had her refuse it.
I will not be made a fool of,
now I'm not asking
you, I am telling you.
Walter, now you're
not only threatening me,
you're yelling at me.
Maude, please.
All right, all right.
We won't have a trustee,
I'll give you that
one small point
and you could do anything
you want with the estate
but damn it, you're gonna
take everything I got.
Do you hear me, Maude?
You're taking everything I got
and with no strings attached.
All right, Walter.
You win as usual.
I've never been so
embarrassed in my life.
Oh, come on.
To get up in an equal
rights banquet and say,
"Thanks for making me
The Husband of the Year,
with my wife, it ain't easy."
Maude, it was a joke.
A joke? I've got a joke for you.
Walter...
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪