Maude (1972–1978): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Ticket - full transcript

[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]

♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪

♪ If the whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪

♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪



♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪

[SIREN WAILING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[SIREN STOPS]

[MOTOR STOPS]



Pardon me, lady.

Don't you "pardon me,
lady." I'm very angry at you.

Sirens scare the hell out of me.

Yours has been whining
at me for three blocks.

Before the siren, did
you see me wave at you?

Well, of course I did.

Didn't you see me wave back?

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I'm in a hurry.

You were speeding, ma'am.

Thirty-four miles per
hour in a 30-mile zone.

I was not, I was
doing 30 miles an hour

in a 30-mile-an-hour zone.

Let me see your license.

My li... I can't even
find my house key.

Here, hold these.

I saw you hiding

behind the golden
arches at McDonald's.

And everybody in the
neighborhood knows

that's a speed trap.

So you know darn well

I wasn't going over
30 miles an hour.

Lady, I clocked you
doing 34 miles per hour.

On what, your Mickey
Mouse speedometer?

Look, just put these
groceries someplace

and excuse me, I really
have to go somewhere.

Watch that step, it's a lulu.

Are you all right?

Yes, I'm all right! Good.

Good. Now, you really
have to excuse me.

Ma'am, your license.

Look, I've been shopping
all day for food values

at Bohack's, the A&P,
Finast, and Big Bear.

I haven't had a
minute to sit down,

so when I say I
really have to go,

I really have to go.

Not when I order you to stay.

You know a lot about
women, don't you?

In my condition,

I couldn't even
walk a straight line.

Look, ma'am...

Would you consider giving
a ticket to a dead person?

No. No.

Then pick up the groceries,
put them somewhere,

and let me go to the powder
room and save my life.

Uh-oh.

Hey, hey, hey. Come
here, come here.

Look, I didn't do
nothing, officer.

Who are you? What
are you doing here?

I'm Florida.

I was just visiting the
housekeeper next door,

and, uh... Naw,
come to think of it,

I am the housekeeper next door.

I'll go over there and
send the housekeeper

that works here back home.

Hey, hey. Come
back here. Come here.

Now what's the name of
the lady that lives here?

Mrs. Findlay.

Maude Findlay.

Whoo. I feel better.

I didn't even have
time to take off my coat.

I know God invented
trees, but believe me,

he also had something
to do with indoor plumbing.

Oh, Florida, I'm
so glad you're here.

Florida, this officer has
been trying to accuse me

of speeding in my
own neighborhood.

Now, you have driven with
me a thousand times, Florida.

You know I do not speed.

Now will you tell him?

Lady, I ain't never seen
you before in my life.

God'll get you
for that, Florida.

Well, if it's between God
and The Man, Ms. Findlay,

I'll take my chances with God.

You'll have to excuse her.

She was really
frightened of you.

You know how it is...

Born and raised in the ghetto.

I know all about that.
How 'bout your license?

Come on now, honey.

I mean, you... You
really can't be serious?

I'm perfectly serious.

And I'd appreciate it if
you didn't call me "honey."

I'm an officer of the law.

Oh, that's sweet.

That really is very sweet.

From now on, I shall call
you "officer of the law."

Now, officer of the law,
in your heart you know

that I was not speeding.

You were exceeding
the speed limit.

Thirty-four miles per
hour in a 30-mile zone.

That is not true. I never speed.

I'd swear it on
a stack of Bibles.

I do not speed.

But, officer, even if I were,

do you mean that you
would give me a ticket

for a measly
four-mile-an-hour violation?

I mean, that's real chicken.

And I don't mean delight.

I'm gonna make one last
request for your license.

All right, all right.

My license is in my bag here.

It'll take me awhile to find it,

so why don't you sit down
and make yourself comfortable.

On second thought,

what the hell are
you doing for me?

Stand up and be uncomfortable.

And take off your hat.

I prefer my hat
when I'm on duty.

Not in a home, young man.

It is very, very bad
manners in a home.

Or don't they teach you
that at the police station?

Now, take off your hat.

That's better.

Why, you're... You're a baby.

Ma'am, I want that license.

You're a pussycat.

Stop that.

I'm sorry, officer, but I...

I can not get over that
baby, pussycat face.

Ma'am!

Oh, you'll have to forgive
me, officer, it's just that,

you know, all my life,

policemen have
been older than me.

And then suddenly they
were all younger than me.

I mean, it's... You're
not just young,

you're a baby.

I bet you couldn't
even grow a mustache.

I could too!

Now you hear this good, lady.

I'm 26 years old, I've been
on the force for 3 years,

and I'm forthwith
demanding your license.

Is that clear?

Tell me, dear, would you
like some milk and cake?

What kind of cake?

Here's your purse.

Now gimme that license.

Tell me, why would
such a pussycat face

be making such trouble

for a woman old
enough to be his mother?

You know, I hate you,

but you are a pussycat face.

How would you like
some Hawaiian Punch?

Hawaiian Punch?

No.

It makes my tongue red.

I notice you're writing
with your left hand.

It's a sign of very bad
early toilet training.

No wonder you're such a stinker

about a measly
four miles an hour.

There's a
motorcycle... Ah, Carol.

Carol, I would like you
to meet Officer Cosgrove.

You're getting another ticket?

She was exceeding
the speed limit, ma'am.

Oh, Carol, I swear to
you, this time I'm innocent.

Look, Mother, I believe
you, but I've been out all day,

without a minute to
sit, and I've got to go.

Oh, Carol.

Mother, I've got to...

Look, I can't believe
you're getting another ticket.

You can't? What about me?

I can't believe it either.

And for a lousy
four miles an hour.

How can a pussycat
face like that

and a chicken heart
live in the same body?

How about some
milk and Twinkies?

Twinkies?

Sign this.

Never. I'll go to jail first.

Lady, you're going
an awful long way

to beat a traffic ticket.
Because I am innocent!

Now, you've overstayed
your welcome.

I'd appreciate it if
you'd leave my home.

Not until you sign
this ticket. Look,

I am not going to sign it.

Even you, with your tiny,
niggling, picayune mind can see

that I cannot sign that
when I am innocent.

This is no admission
of guilt, ma'am.

Well, what do you call it then?

It's a formality.

You can still protest
your innocence.

Do you mean that? Yes.

I mean, you're
really sure of that?

Yes. Cross my heart and hope...

There, this is for you, ma'am.

Goodbye, ma'am.

That's it?

Biff, bam, goodbye, ma'am?

You pip-squeak kid, you.

You force your way into my home,

you worm your way into my heart,

and then you leave
me with a lousy ticket.

Go on, sneak out of here.

I'll bet your mother's
at home right now

wondering where she went wrong.

And another
thing! I tricked you.

I never had any Twinkies.

Hi, Maude.

Walter. Arthur. Hi, Maudie.

Arthur, you ask her.

I'm afraid to.

Maudie, I swear that
was a motorcycle cop

I saw just now leaving here,

with you yelling at him.

For a very good reason.

With the city teeming
with criminals,

that fuzzy-cheeked
servant of the people

gave me a speeding ticket.

[WALTER GROANS]

Not another ticket.

What a shame, Maudie.

And you such a sterling driver.

Goodness knows how many
citations you have to prove it.

Will you do me a favor, Arthur?

Jump in your golf bag
and play with your niblick.

You know, Maude,

I don't think you can
take another violation.

Last time you had eight points

and this is gonna
put you over the top.

He's right. You
have eight points.

This ticket means your
license will be suspended.

That's ridiculous, Carol.

I mean, this is the
very first speeding ticket

I have ever had.

I mean, all the others
were for U-turns,

one-way streets, junk like that.

Yeah, but this!

I mean, I... I... I'll go
to court before I pay it.

If it's your word
against the traffic cop,

you haven't got
a chance, Maudie.

I'll tell you what I'm
going to do, though.

You know that old song
"Love Thy Neighbor"?

Yeah, that dropped
out of the top 10

the day you moved next door.

Maudie, it was just
my way of saying

that I think maybe I
can help you in this case.

I think maybe I can
get that ticket, uh...

adjusted.

Adjusted?

You mean fixed,
don't you, Arthur?

Arthur, you mean
the old fixeroo.

That's rather a crude way
of putting it, but, uh, yes.

Let's call it "a favor
through a friend."

Arthur Harmon, of all the
vile, insulting suggestions, I...

Arthur, you have hit
a new high in lows.

How do you like that?

I have just told you I
am completely innocent...

I'm trying to help you.

And you're suggesting
I bribe my way out?

Now, Maude. It's an insult!

Tell him, Walter.

Fix the ticket, Arthur.

Walter, there's an
old Italian saying.

Nrraa!

Why take a chance on
losing your license, Maude?

Why? Why? Why?

Because Number 1: I am innocent,

and this is America.

I mean, did Patrick Henry say,

"Give me liberty or maybe
we can work something out"?

Maude, be reasonable.

Walter, what is reasonable?

It's a matter of principle.
And I swear to you,

if I have to, I'm gonna take it
right up to the Supreme Court.

Maude, I usually agree with you,

especially on
matters of principle,

but this time, I must advise.

You're being very foolish.

Thank you, Walter.

Thank you.

And when they add those words

to that great book
of advice in the sky,

remind me to have an umbrella

because all of heaven
is going to upchuck.

I am going to court.

No, you are not.

I am going to court, Walter.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

I have said no. You
will lose your license!

I am not going to be a party...

They will take the
policeman's words

against yours. To
a dishonest act!

Walter, I am innocent!

Will you please listen
to me for a second?!

If they take away your license,

can you imagine what life is
gonna be like around here?

Whenever you want to go shopping

you'll have to go down a highway

and hitch a ride!

Carol, make me a
poster: "The A&P or bust."

Okay, I'm leaving now.

Thank heaven.

Listen, Florida, my
entire family is against me.

Please tell me that
you agree with me.

Miss Findlay, you only
want what us blacks want:

Real justice.

Thank you, Florida.

But the idea of
you not having a car

and being home
with me all day...

No, ma'am, fix the ticket.

That a girl, Florida.

Now, will you please
let Arthur handle things?

No. [GROANS]

That's all right,
Maudie, that's all right.

It's no skin off my nose.

I object to your whole attitude
about the ticket anyway.

What?

It's typical of your
attitude toward the police.

They're always wrong,
and you're always right.

But I am right.

See, that's a typical example

of the breakdown
of law and order.

Arthur, what does all of this
have to do with law and order?

What does this all have
to do with law and order?

Maudie, you don't understand
the American system.

Now, the policeman
represents the law.

Some people get arrested,

and that's one
side of the scale.

Now, on the other
side, there are people

who have friends
in the right places

who can get things like
traffic tickets adjusted.

The order of things, see?

Perfect balance. Law and order.

I have two words
for you, Arthur.

One is a verb.

And the other is a pronoun.

Thank you.

I'm with you, Mother.

You lost me someplace
back there, Arthur.

Forget the whole thing, Arthur.

Come on, Carol,
let's fix dinner.

WALTER: Arthur.

Yeah.

Are you sure you can
get that ticket fixed?

Sure, just like that.

I have a friend
who has a friend.

One of those things.

Fix it then, Arthur. Please.

But what about when Maude
finds out that it's been fixed?

Don't you worry about that.

I'll handle Maude.

You got courage, old boy.

What are you going to do?

Simple.

I'll just blame you.

I am shocked at
your driving record.

This is the third time
you've been before me

and I find you guilty
again as charged.

And besides that,
I'm fining you $500

and I'm sending you
to a driving school

so that you may learn
something about safe driving.

And you can bet your
lucky stars, young man,

that this court
doesn't have the power

to punish you any further.

Because as far as I'm concerned,

I would throw the
book at you, punk!

[GAVEL BANGS] [MOUTHING WORDS]

Next case!

And I hope it's the last.

It is, Your Honor.

The city v. Maude Findlay.

"Violation, motor
code 8-1-1-3-0."

Oh, yes, yes, Mrs. Findlay,

would you approach
the bench, please?

Uh, a little closer.

I'm Judge Motorman,
Mrs. Findlay. Yes, I know.

I saw your plaque
outside. Thank you.

You're very big
around here. Thank you.

Now, Mrs. Findlay, in
view of the circumstances

surrounding your little
matter before the court,

I have decided to
dismiss the case.

[CLEARS THROAT]

But I don't understand.

I'm... Was it anything I said?

No, no, no, no. I just
decided to dismiss the case.

I mean, what I said about
your being big around here,

I was just trying
to ingratiate myself.

I mean, that was a joke.

You don't have to
ingratiate yourself

and I know it was a joke.

[LAUGHS]

Well, then let me
have my trial, judge.

Uh, a little closer,
Mrs. Findlay.

I wasn't even expecting
you here today.

But it's my trial.

I mean, who were you
expecting, Perry Mason?

[BOTH LAUGH]

No, I-I don't think
you understand,

but I'm sure if you go home now,

someone will explain it to you.

Believe me, I've been
at this a long time,

I know exactly what I'm doing.

[WHISPERING] Go,
go, go, go, go, go, go.

Wait a minute.

I think I know what
you're doing too.

Ah, very well. Good.

And you'd better not do it.

I demand my trial.

You wouldn't dare. I
mean, you couldn't.

Nobody can tell me what
to do in my own courtroom.

This dismissal, it's a fix.

Don't say that word.

I know it's a fix.

Please don't say that word.

Mrs. Findlay, you must realize

that the world isn't made
up just of blacks and whites...

No, strike that. Uh...

What I'm trying to say is that
you have a friend, Mrs. Findlay.

I know. Arthur Harmon.

I don't know the man.

I don't even know
the man he knows,

but somewhere down the
line, we come to a Mr. Rudney,

who owes Dr. Harmon a favor.

Now, I, Mrs. Findlay,
owe Mr. Rudney a favor.

See? Rudney owes
Harmon. I owe Rudney.

But I don't owe you anything.

Mrs. Findlay... So
let's go on with the trial.

You're making a mockery
of the whole judicial system!

May I tell you my story?

No! I came here
to tell you my story.

I'm the judge, I go first!

Mrs. Findlay, I
have two daughters,

they're 16 and 17,

and they've been playing
tennis since they were 8 and 9.

Now, I don't have
a tennis court.

We don't make that
much money in Traffic.

Supreme, yes. Probate, maybe.

Traffic, never.

So you see, my daughters
have always played tennis

on the Rudney court.

They have a nice court?

Oh, it's a beauty.

You see, my daughters'
whole social life

depends on that tennis court.

And it will for the
next three years

if, Mrs. Findlay,

you will please let me do this
one little favor for Mr. Rudney.

Please? Please?

Judge, I've heard
your argument, and, uh,

after due consideration

I'm afraid that I
must rule against it.

[WHIMPERING] Oh, no.

Oh, Judge Motorman,
please, please.

Now, look at it this way:

I mean, wouldn't we both
prefer living in a country

where favors cannot be sold?

No.

All right, you'll have
your trial, Mrs. Findlay.

Bailiff, call the
officer to the stand.

Officer Mike Cosgrove
to the stand, please.

Raise your right hand.

Do you swear that all
the evidence you give

in the matter
pertaining to this trial

shall be the truth,
the whole truth

and nothin' but the truth?

I do. Be seated.

All right, officer, tell
us what happened.

At 5:28 p.m. Friday last...

Yes, yes. I followed
the defendant

four blocks up Hazelton
and three down Conway,

clocking her speed
at 34 miles per hour.

I have that all here.
As the court knows...

The court knows,
the court knows.

The speed limit in that
area is 30 miles per hour.

Get to the apprehending.
The apprehending.

At 5:32 p.m., I
apprehended the defendant

and ticketed her accordingly

for exceeding the
speed limit. Good.

Now, you're positive she
was doing 34 miles an hour?

Absolutely.

Look, I've seen you kids
on those motorcycles.

They bounce up and down.

The speedometer,
doesn't it jiggle a lot?

You know, give or take
four miles an hour? No, sir.

Four miles an hour,
what are you trying to be,

some kind of a
chicken something?

Not at all. The lady was
exceeding the speed limit.

Oh, you're an impossible kid!

Mrs., uh, Findlay, maybe
you'd like to cross-examine.

Maybe you can do
something with him.

Thank you.

It's about time, Your Honor.

Now, tell me, Officer Cosgrove,

you're an extremely eager
young patrolman, aren't you?

I take my duties very seriously,
if that's what you mean.

No, that is not what I mean.

I mean, that maybe
in your eagerness,

you made a mistake,

and it wasn't me you
saw speeding at all.

Oh, it was you, all right. I
couldn't miss that gray hair.

Watch it, Cosgrove.

Now, Officer Cosgrove,
tell me, Pussycat,

did you...? Don't call me that.

Oh, I upset him.

I upset that
pussycat, baby face.

I told you not to call me that.

This is a courtroom,

and I'm a police
officer testifying here!

And you're doing very well,

except that you're
a little nervous.

Not at all. I'm
just sick and tired

of being called a baby face.

That's all I get from
you women drivers.

Aha! "Women drivers"!

You have it in

for women drivers, don't you?

No. Not at all.

Some of my best friends
are women drivers.

My mother's a woman driver.

Your mother. That's
what's bothering you.

I didn't say anything
was bothering me!

How'd you like to be called
a baby face all your life?

Oh, I wouldn't
mind. I'd like it.

[CHUCKLES]

[MOUTHING WORDS]

Well, I don't!

I'm 26 years old, going on
27, as I previously testified.

Your mother calls you
"baby face," doesn't she?

Who told you that?

If I ever find the
person that told you that,

you wait and see!

[HUFFS]

Officer, are you all right?
Officer? You heard...

I'm in no composure
to deal with this.

Maybe she was doing 30.

Motorcycles jiggle, you know?

Maybe I am a chicken.

Let's say she was doing 30.

Even less. Yeah.

You may step down, officer.

Officer Cosgrove,

you will come by and
see us once in a while?

I'll come by when I
damn well feel like it.

[GAVEL BANGS]

Mrs. Findlay, you've had
the courage to come into court

and fight for what you believe.

In the eyes of this court...
Which is to say my eyes.

You have proved your innocence,

and I find you not guilty.

Oh, thank you, thank
you, Your Honor.

Thank God.

Mrs. Findlay,

you still have, uh,
several, uh, violations

for parking outstanding.

They come to $30.

Yes, I know.
Well, just a minute.

Uh, uh, judge,

I mean, you are absolutely sure?

I mean, about my innocence?

I'm sure.

I'm sure. I'm positive.

However, with some
penalties for tardiness,

et cetera, et cetera,
it comes to $37.50.

Yeah, yeah, just a
minute, bailiff. Uh, judge,

I mean, it's not one of
those "tennis court" things

or anything like that?

Because I don't want that.

You're innocent,
Mrs. Findlay, innocent.

Uh, take these, Mrs. Findlay,

and go to the
cashier, uh, Room 206.

Oh, honey, would
you do me a favor?

Look, I've been to 206,

there's always
a long line there.

Look, here's the money.

With your uniform, you
can just go around the block

and pay it for me.

Judge, I really
want to thank you.

I mean, for making
me believe again

in one justice for all
and no favors for anyone.

Miss Findlay, I
don't have the time

to go down to Room 206.

Oh, come on, sweetheart,
here's an extra 5.

I mean, two... Two minutes
isn't gonna cost you your job.

Maude, I really feel
ashamed of myself.

I never should've asked
Arthur to try to fix that ticket.

[SIGHS]

You were innocent,

and I should've had
more faith in you.

And I hope you'll
accept my apology.

Oh, come on, Walter, sweetheart.

I mean, there's no
need to apologize.

It all evens itself out.

I mean, sometimes
you're wrong and I'm right,

and sometimes I'm
right and you're wrong.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then There's... ♪

♪ Right on, Maude! ♪

♪ Right on, Maude! ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪