Maude (1972–1978): Season 1, Episode 7 - Love and Marriage - full transcript

[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]

♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪

♪ If the whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪

♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪



♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪

Maude!

Sweetheart!

Darling!

Good evening, love.



I said, "Good evening, love."

Good evening,
Walter. Welcome home.

I trust you had a marvelous day.

On a scale of 10
my day was 0.001.

Since there is nothing more
that I care to hear from you,

at the sound of the bell

we'll consider the
conversation closed.

Bong.

You're still angry at me.

Smart.

Go to the head of
the class, Walter.

Only preferably
someplace in Europe,

where there is an
ocean between us.

Gee, it's good to be home.

You know, damn it, Maude.

How can you carry
on this dumb fight

from morning to night,
day after day after day?

For crying out loud, it's
been going on so long

I don't even remember
what started it.

Well, I do remember
what started it.

What? You.

Me again. It's always me.

I'm glad you admit it, Walter.

Now, since you realize
the truth about yourself,

may I tell you
what I think it is?

I think that basically,
Walter, way down deep inside,

you're no good.

Don't you raise your
voice to me, Walter Findlay.

Now, don't you raise
your voice to me.

It's been four days since
you kissed me good night.

How much can a
love-starved woman take?

So that's what it is.

Yes, that's what it is.

Oh, be reasonable, Maude.

How could I kiss you good
night when we're fighting like this?

A truly inventive man
would have found a way.

Maude, will you
please listen to yourself?

We're fighting tooth and nail,

and you expect me
to make love to you.

Somewhere between the
tooth and the nail, Walter,

you could have found 15 minutes.

[SIGHS]

Good evening, honey.

You've gotta be kidding.

Well, somebody at
least is in a good mood.

Honey, what's the
matter with your foot?

Nothing. On top
of everything else,

I broke the stupid
heel off my shoe.

So why don't you
take the other shoe off?

Because I like to
limp. It's fun limping.

When I grow up, you
know what I wanna be?

A full-time limper.

All right, Carol.

Carol, don't take your
frustration out on Walter.

That's right.

Your mother's got that
pretty well taken care of.

You didn't get a
job today, did you?

No.

But I was offered one.

A job that started
with a vacation.

Sounds interesting.

Very interesting.

Two weeks in
Miami with the boss.

Every job interview I
go on, it's the same thing.

I walk in, he smiles, I smile,

he turns the picture of his wife
and kids facedown on the desk.

It's all my fault, Carol.

Your fault?

Of course. I mean,
you're just like me.

I mean, you're really stacked.

Even my last job.

I had to quit because I wouldn't
supply in the supply room.

They find out you're a
divorcée, and... And it's en garde.

What is it with you men, Walter?

All you have to do is
hear the word "divorcée,"

and, uh... And it's an immediate
U-turn to the Holiday Inn.

Well, I guess the
average guy figures...

Who cares, Walter? Who cares?

Can I have a drink?

Of course, honey. Here,
have Mommy's drink.

Oh, I don't want Mommy's
drink. I want Carol's drink.

One Shirley Temple coming up.

Never mind. I'm sorry.

It's just that everything is
going wrong these days.

I'll be upstairs with Phillip.

Oh, honey, I forgot to tell you,

Phillip got into a
little fight today.

A fight? Why didn't you tell me?

Well, you were so upset.
Besides, it was nothing.

All he had was a bloody
nose and a bruised ego.

You should have
seen the other kid.

His knuckles were a mess.

If it isn't one
thing, it's another.

I've been out of
work for four weeks

and I leave my son
alone, he gets beaten up.

Honey, please do something
about that broken heel

before you have an accident.

My whole life's an accident.

There!

Oh, by the way, I have
some news for you.

Yeah?

I'm getting married.

Uh, Walter, what
did Carol just say?

She said she's
getting married, Maude.

No, I mean, what did she just
say when she left the room?

Carol said she's
getting married, Maude.

But how can she? I'm her mother!

She hasn't talked
it over with me.

Maybe she talked
it over with a friend.

What is a mother if not
her daughter's best friend?

Really, Walter,
sometimes you display

a shocking lack of insight.

Maybe I didn't
hear what she said.

Maybe she said she's
not getting married.

But of course she's
getting married.

You know what
she's going through.

How would you like
to be a 27-year-old girl

without a husband?

Without a job?

With an 8-year-old son

living with your mother
and your stepfather.

Walter, the girl's
trying to escape.

Look, Maude, there's a thing
coming on between you and Carol

and I'm trying to
save you from yourself.

Save me from yourself, Walter.

Walter, when Carol
decides to get married again,

I don't want it to be
because she's miserable.

I want it to be

because she's deliriously
and ecstatically happy.

Maude, I don't want
Carol to make a mistake

any more than you do, but
I got a pretty good feeling

that you're beginning
to lead her life again.

Will you do me a favor
with your feelings, Walter?

Save them, and then someday,

give them all to me
together in a lump.

In my old age maybe
I'll browse through them

and find out who you were.

I wish I could get over
my little battles with life

as quickly as my son.

Uh, honey, come over
here. Sit down on the couch.

I want to have just
a little talk with you.

Uh, honey, before you
left the room a minute ago,

did I hear something about
your getting married again?

That's right.

Isn't that wonderful?

Mother's hearing is still 20/20.

Darling, uh, stop me if this
is too personal a question

for a mother to ask, but, uh,

do I happen to
know the young man

that you intend to spend
the rest of your life with?

Mother, you've
known him for years.

Now, look, instead
of waiting to explode,

why don't you just let
loose and let me have it?

What do you mean,
waiting to explode?

Why should I explode?
I mean, I'm sitting here

having a very calm
conversation with my daughter

who has just very
casually informed me

of her intention to marry.

I mean, that is hardly
a reason to explode.

That is a reason
to cut my throat!

Mother, will you calm
down so we can talk?

Talk? What is
there to talk about?

You've already decided.

If you want to talk, Carol,
you talk first and then decide.

Well, I knew what
you were going to say.

If there is anything I am
not, Carol, it is predictable.

So don't tell me you knew
what I was going to say.

Now, Mother, I knew
you were going to scream

when I told you I'm
marrying George Snyder.

George Sny...?

You're marrying Geo...?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I like George Snyder.

[CHUCKLES]

Of course you do. The
scream is just a reflex.

Mother, I've made up my mind.

My son needs a father, and
I need a home of my own.

I am tired of this rat race.

And love, Carol?

That'll come later.

That won't come later.

[DOORBELL RINGS] That's George.

Now, please don't
say anything. Why not?

Because he doesn't know
he's getting married yet.

Don't worry about it. I know
how George feels about me.

I've known it for two
years. He'll be thrilled.

I couldn't care
less about George.

Walter, please help
me. Say something.

Okay. Carol, if this is what
you want to do, go right ahead.

CAROL: Thank you.

Walter, don't help
me. Don't help me...

[MAUDE AND WALTER
ARGUING] Good evening, Carol.

Evening, Maude, Walter.

Evening, Mau... [CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, hi, George. GEORGE: Evening.

When I first walked in I was
gonna say, "What's new?"

But now I'm afraid to ask.

Walter and I were just having
a little political discussion.

You see, one of us is
an avid liberal Democrat...

Yeah, and the other
is a Bull Moose.

George, how's business? Great.

Great. You know, one of
the smartest things I ever did

was picking a father who
owns his own business.

I'm a self-made son, you know.

George, don't put yourself down.

That business
was only half as big

when you took over for your dad.

Attagirl, Carol.

Every chance you get, build
the man up. Right, Maude?

Walter, how do we turn off

that fountain of
infinite wisdom?

Listen, you two, we're leaving.
We have a lot to discuss.

Uh, Carol, I'd like
to talk to you first.

CAROL: No. Leave her alone.

I want to talk to my daughter.

Talk to your mother.
I'm fascinated.

It isn't necessary. I know
what she's going to say.

Look, Carol, as a friend
of 27 years standing,

will you give a mother a break?

All right, Mother. Go ahead.

I'm sure George
would be very interested

in hearing what you have to say.

Carol, how can I? I...

George, your father just
called. Your warehouse is on fire.

MAUDE: Carol, I want to talk.

Stop this. It's none
of your business.

You are my business!

If it hadn't been
for Walter and me,

you never would have been born.

Oh, wait a minute.

Chester was her father.

I didn't meet you
till 24 years later.

Don't nitpick, Walter.

You know perfectly well
I meant to say Chester.

Carol, I want to talk to you.

Mother, I have nothing
more to say to you.

You have a hell of a lot to say!

Excuse me, George.

Cut it out, now.
Stop it over here.

Carol, Maude... Maude!

Kitchen.

Psst.

Got a lot of passion
around here.

You'd better believe it.

Let's go.

George, will you marry me?

What?

I said, will you marry me?

[CHUCKLES]

Uh... Uh... Uh... The, uh...

Uh, I got the answer
to that down pat.

It's the question
that throws me.

Uh, don't s... Don't
misunderstand me.

I'm crazy about the question.

I just can't imagine how
it happened to come up.

But you still
haven't answered it.

No.

All right. After I say yes,

uh, can I go on to
say something else?

I mean, you won't suddenly
smother me with kisses.

I promise.

All right, then yes.

I guess it's, uh...

I don't know how long it's been

since I've wanted to ask you
to marry me. A year at least.

Two years, George.

Two?

Well, then, what are we
waiting for? Smother away.

George, there's something
you have to understand.

No, smother first.
I'll understand later.

Well, it's done.

Our poor kid doesn't
know what she's doing.

Maybe she does. Oh...

This calls for a celebration.

Walter, I am not going to
celebrate a loveless marriage.

Maude, I know you're
unhappy and upset.

But in spite of your misgivings,

eventually you're gonna stand

behind Carol's
decision 100 percent.

Not because you're her mother,

but because you're a
wise, forgiving human being

with a marvelous
capacity for love...

Sweetheart, no, could I
just interrupt for a minute?

Of course.

Bug off!

All right. Now, what was it
you wanted me to understand?

That this is all a dream
and I'm going to wake up

and find myself
engaged to my pillow.

No, it's much more
serious than that.

Oh, that. You're gonna
tell me you don't love me.

How did you know that?

Carol, it's been my business
to know if you love me

ever since I knew I loved you.

George, I respect you very much.

I'm very fond of you.

And I must be crazy not to
be able to tell you I love you.

All right, so, what's
love? An emotion?

A... A little excitement? A
toothpaste ad? Who knows?

Maybe...

Maybe the thing that
you're going to bring to me

will be more important
in the long run

than the love I'm
going to give you.

I don't know. Are you
sure you don't want out?

Oh, come on. I'm a grown man.

You know what makes
the world tick? Me.

When I'm feeling good, the
world ticks along just fine.

And what I need
to feel good is you.

Thank you, George.

I can't stand it anymore.
I'm going in there.

No you're not, Maude.

My daughter is
about to ruin her life,

and you won't let
me raise a hand?

You can raise a hand. You
can touch the ceiling if you want.

But Carol has a right
to her own decisions.

Walter, she doesn't love him.

What's the difference?

My mother and father lived
with each other for 50 years

in total hatred and
loved every minute of it.

Well, my father died

right before their golden
wedding anniversary out of spite

because he knew my
mother loved big parties.

Oh...

Walter, what am I gonna
do about my little girl?

Maude, Carol lost her heel today

running away from
a dirty old man.

Your little girl's not
so little anymore.

Maude, do you realize

this is the first time I've had
you in my arms in four days?

So, what, Walter?

It's another matter
of too little too late.

My heart breaks for Carol
and what do I get from you?

Encouragement or... Or
sympathy or empathy?

Nothing. Nothing, Walter.
That's what I get from you.

Okay, you want something
encouraging, huh?

Okay.

How 'bout this?

Carol and George have been
engaged for about 30 minutes.

And sometimes
engagements last forever,

and sometimes engagements
terminate before the marriage.

How's that for an
encouraging idea?

It's beautiful.

Oh, Walter, it's beautiful.
You're an absolute...

George went home to pack.
We're gonna get married tonight.

Ass. An absolute ass!

Carol, you're not leaving!

Oh, Mother, please.

Carol, you're gonna
stay and talk to me

or I'm going to...
Do what, Mother?

Stand me in a corner? Send
me to bed without my dinner?

Now, excuse me. He'll
be here in a half an hour.

Maude, Carol's a grown woman.

You're her mother, but you
can't talk to her like her mother.

Do you understand that?

I understand this, Walter:

If the Boy Scouts of America

gave as much help
to little old ladies

as you're giving me tonight,

the streets of our
city would be littered

with the smashed
bodies of little old ladies.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Honey, do you mind if I come in

if I promise?

Promise what?

[SIGHS]

If I promise not to
talk like a mother.

All right.

If I promise not to talk

about the way you're
wrecking your life.

You promised.

All right.

Would it disturb
you terribly if I cried?

Very quietly.

Yes.

Carol!

I... I've been your
mother for 27 years.

I carried you for nine
months before then.

I lived with your father two
years longer than I wanted to

because I thought
you needed him.

And you know what
a ding-dong he was.

So don't try to...
Don't try to keep me

to some kind of a promise
that I made a few minutes ago

when I was half out
of my mind with worry.

All right, Mother.
You have five minutes.

After that, you're done.

Five minutes and I'm
done? What am I, an egg?

All right. I have a
lot of packing to do...

I'll accept the five minutes.

Carol, you don't love him.

Well, maybe I'll
learn to love him.

Oh...

Mother, look at my
life. Don't you see?

Love is a luxury I can't afford.

Carol, look, if you
were 65 years old,

I still wouldn't agree with you.

But, honey, you're 27 years old.

I beg of you, don't settle.

Mother, I'm marrying
a man I like very much,

and I respect even more.

Now, I think we
can make it on that.

Oh, look at you.

Before you met Walter,
you were married three times.

Yes, and each
time it was for love.

Even Barney?

Especially Barney.

I was so in love
with that lamebrain

that it... It took
me three years

before I realized he had
the intelligence of a radish.

Look, Mother, I
don't think I'm settling.

Phillip needs a father, and
I am tired of sleeping alone.

Ah, we've come
to the crux of it.

The other head on the pillow.

Oh, sweetheart,
don't you realize

that at times,
we all feel lonely?

We all feel unfulf...

You're five minutes
are up, Mother.

Carol, marriage without
love is like going through life

washing socks for a stranger.

Time's up, Mother.

All right.

Marry George.

[SIGHS]

I just want you to
know though, Carol,

that if you come back
shattered and disillusioned,

I promise you I won't
be one of those mothers

who said I told you so.

But remember, you
heard it here first.

I couldn't talk to her.

She's as stubborn as I am.

And that's pretty stubborn.

Maude, I'm ready for my dinner.

Walter, what could be
worse than a woman

spending her life with a
man she's not in love with?

A man spending his life with
a man he's not in love with.

I come to you
seeking a little comfort,

and I suddenly discover I'm
married to Morey Amsterdam.

You want to know
something, Maude?

I've had it up to here
catering to you tonight.

What are you mean...?
You're interfering

where you shouldn't
be... I am interfering...?

And I'm trying to
help you see that.

You don't want to see it? Okay.

Now, look, I want you to
cater to me for a change.

And I don't wanna hear
any more talk about Carol.

Now, come on. Give me my dinner.

All right, Walter.

All right. I mean, it's not
an unreasonable request.

I mean, a man comes home
from work hungry and tired,

and of course he
expects his wife

to put aside her own
personal problems

and just cater to
his every whim.

So here, King Kong!
Here's your lousy dinner!

No, Maude... There's
my lousy dinner!

Walter, you did that on purpose.

You call that on purpose?

If you want to see me
do something on purpose,

watch this!

No, not that...!

[GRUNTS]

How would you like it if I
broke your favorite coffee mug?

My favorite coffee mug?

Here! Be my guest!

You broke my
favorite coffee mug.

Okay, if that's what you
want. My beautiful casserole!

My lovely serving platter!

You made me go out
and buy these for you!

No! No! No!

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[BOTH SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Time! Time?

Time!

You forgot the dessert!

My God! I'm gonna
break this thing!

And I'll break another!

And I'm gonna tell you...

[MAUDE AND WALTER
SHOUTING] [DISHES BREAKING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

So ready?

[INDISTINCT ARGUING]

What's going on in there?

Nothing, nothing.

It's just Walter and
Maude having a little tiff.

[DISH BREAKS] A little tiff?

I wouldn't send the
National Guard in there.

I said good night
to Phillip. Let's go.

WALTER: Oh, for crying out loud!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Let me ask you something.

Do they do this very often?

No, no. The last time
was two years ago.

He broke a... A... An
ashtray and two lamps

and she cut three pairs of
his trousers off at the knee.

It's getting quiet.
Let me say goodbye.

How can two people who
fight like that live together?

It's easy. They love each other.

I'll bet we could
rent ourselves out

as a couple of steel balls to
one of those wrecking companies.

I guess I lost my temper, huh?

No, no.

It was as much my
fault as it was yours.

Oh, Walter, I'm so
tired of World War III.

Truce?

Surrender.

Excuse me. I've been sent in
by the U.N. to count the bodies.

You come in to say goodbye?

No, to say good night.

George left, and
I'm going to bed.

Honey, you mean you're not...?

We'll talk about it in
the morning, Mother.

Thank you.

Thank you too, Walter.

I wonder what happened.

Maybe George heard
me smashing the dishes,

and I guess he figured
marriage wasn't for him.

Maybe.

Well, if that's what
happened, I'm sorry.

Although I really shouldn't be.

According to that movie,

love is never having
to say you're sorry.

Wrong, Walter.

Love is having tuna fish
sandwiches on paper plates.

♪ Love is wonderful ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Just a... ♪

Honey, what is this?
You're making breakfast?

That's right, Maude.

This morning I wanted you
to know how much I love you,

so I figured actions
speak louder than words.

Sweetheart, you
said it all last night.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪

ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.

♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪