Maude (1972–1978): Season 1, Episode 5 - Maude and the Radical - full transcript
Maude throws a party and invites black militants and rich white liberals. She does not tell anyone it is a fund raiser party.
[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
FLORIDA: Will you please
move? You're in the way.
Don't you have
anything to do out there?
WALTER: Come on.
FLORIDA: Stop that and get out
of my kitchen,
Mr. Findlay. All right.
How can I get ready for a party
with you messin' with
my hot hors d'oeuvres.
You practically killed off
the meatballs single-handed.
Oh, come on, Florida,
it was one meatball
hangin' over the platter,
and I scooped it
up just before it fell.
Yeah? You come back
into my kitchen once more,
and I'm gonna chop
off your scooper.
I'm beginning to know what
they mean by black power.
How's your mother
bearing up, Carol?
Are you kidding?
You know Mother when
she's giving a party.
She worries herself sick
over every little detail.
Yeah, I'll bet tonight
she's gonna be as nervous
as a long-tailed cat in
a room full of rockers.
That doesn't sound
like you, Walter.
It wasn't. I heard
it on Hee Haw.
You know, Carol,
I'm worried about your mother.
This is the most important
party she's ever thrown.
I know. That's why she's
taking so long to get ready.
Every time I go upstairs,
she's putting her
eyelashes on again.
Well, I finally
got my lashes on.
On my nose.
Where is the cleaner
with my dress?
He's had it for over a week.
I'll kill him.
Take it easy, Maude.
It's only 7:30.
Nobody's due until 8.
Don't you think I know that?
Look, Walter, I have 30
people coming tonight.
Now, please, get off my back.
Well, I'm sorry, dear,
but there's no reason
for you to be tense.
Tense? Tense?
Me tense?
I have taken two Miltown,
the greatest tranquilizer
known to man,
and you tell me
I'm tense? Mm-hm.
Carol, get the food
already. Yes, Mother.
Has the bartender come yet?
Mother, Mother, relax.
Everything's taken
care of. [GROANS]
The bartender will
be here any minute.
Oh, thank you, dear.
[TEARFULLY] And thank you
for leaving work early to help out.
I need you both.
And I know I can count on you.
Because I the world's
sweetest husband.
And the world's dearest daugh...
What the hell's with
the floral arrangement?
I turn my back for 30 seconds,
the place is a shambles.
Carol, put that over there.
Walter, bring that down there.
What happened to the "dearest
husband" and "sweetest daughter"
you were blessed
with? Oh, I don't know.
Easy come, easy go.
Look, I know I'm a little
bit hysterical tonight,
but I've never given
a party like this.
Do you realize
who's coming tonight?
The important
people. The Fergusons.
The Kennys, the
Armstrongs... Mother, Mother,
you don't have to worry.
They couldn't care
less about the party.
That's not where it's at.
I'm giving a party for
one of the most important
black militant
leaders in the country.
And you're telling
me where it's at?
Did I tell you the Fergusons
are bringing the Kennys,
and the Kennys
once gave a telethon.
Five thousand dollars
just to talk on the phone
with Julius La Rosa.
Oh, I'm as nervous
as a long-tailed cat
in a room full of rockers.
Don't look at me. I heard it
on The Dean Martin Show.
Miss Findlay, about this outfit.
I am not a French maid,
and I ain't never gonna
look like no French maid.
On me, this thing
ain't no apron.
It's a... It's a doily.
Florida Evans, what the hell
are you doing here tonight?
I told you, you are not
supposed to be here.
Mother.
I... Really, sometimes
I question your...
Your social sensitivity.
All three of you.
For heaven's sake.
Do you really want
Jim Chambers to think
that he is in a typical
middle-class home,
where we use black
people to do the work
that white people won't do?
But he will be in a
typical middle-class home
where we use black
people to do the work
that white people won't do.
God'll get you for that, Walter.
Mother, will you listen to me?
Now, the agency called
while you were upstairs
putting your
eyelashes on your nose.
The woman that they were
sending to serve tonight
got ptomaine
poisoning at a party
she served last night.
So I asked Florida to stay.
Carol, don't you realize
that the black servant is
the symbol of everything
that black militants
like Jim Chambers
detest in our society?
It's the Aunt Jemima
image all over again.
You're callin' me Aunt Jemima?
[EXAGGERATED
ACCENT] Lordy, Lordy.
You want me to
shuffle off to the kitchen
and mix you up another
batch of flapjacks?
A black god'll get
you for that, Florida.
[LAUGHING]
[NORMAL VOICE] It
won't be the first time.
Look, Mrs. Findlay,
I work for a living,
my husband is a fireman,
and together we're bringing
up three beautiful black kids.
Now, if there's anything
Aunt Jemima in that,
I'll eat it.
Florida, I'll pay you
not to work tonight.
I can't risk offending him
by having a black serving.
I'm trying to raise
at least $15,000
for his various activities.
Woman, if you could raise
$15,000 for Jim Chambers,
he ain't gonna care
if the Harlem
Globetrotters is servin'.
Well, anyway, it's a good
excuse to get out of this uniform.
Sometimes I think black on
black is worse than white on white.
Oh, by the way, Maude,
your invitation should have said
that this was a
fundraising party.
Walter, people do not
go to fundraising parties.
Uh, they're tired of them.
How can you raise
$15,000 on a lie?
Because, Walter,
this isn't just any lie.
This is a really big one.
[KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS]
Maudie, Maudie, Maudie.
Have no fear.
Your favorite next-door
neighbor is here.
Look, Arthur, do
not start with me.
I am already two
miles past hysteria
and rapidly approaching berserk.
I know that, Maudie.
Walter told me you needed
something to calm you down,
so I brought you a tranquilizer.
Valium.
But I just took two Miltown.
And she's still as
nervous as a long-tailed cat
in a room full of rockers.
Figured it was
my turn, that's all.
It's a good joke, though.
I heard it on Sonny and Cher.
Well...
we'll save the Valium
till later, Maudie.
The Miltown will hold
you. I hope so, Arthur.
Arthur, do you realize the
guest list coming tonight?
Yes, I heard. The
Armstrongs, the Hilliards,
the Jeffersons,
the Julius La Rosas.
You're a little mixed
up there, Arthur.
Never mind, Walter. He's
been mixed up since birth.
That's my reward for bringing
you a tranquilizer, huh?
An insult. No.
That's for all the
things you're thinking
about my having a black
militant guest in this house.
Oh, well, in that case,
I think you can afford
to insult me a little more,
because Mr. Jim Chambers
happens to be the
worst... Look, look,
Arthur I'm already hysterical...
Arthur! Arthur!
Maude!
Sit!
Now, Arthur,
Maude's in trouble
enough with this party.
I don't want her upset anymore
than she is. Understand?
And as for you, Maude,
the first guest
hasn't even arrived
and already
you're a total wreck.
You've got to leave a
little falling apart for later.
Thank you, Walter.
And before your next attempt
at peacemaking, may I remind you
who controls both sides
of our electric blanket.
[PAGER BEEPING]
Oh, oh, oh, there
goes the old bleeper.
I better go home
and call my service,
but I'll be back for the party.
Take your time,
Arthur. Take your time.
If you don't get back
at all, we'll understand.
I know that, Maudie.
That's why I'm coming
back, if it kills me.
On those terms, I'll accept.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
I really don't know why you
had to invite him tonight, Walter.
I need him like a
bad case of shingles.
Hello?
No, this is not Mr. Findlay.
This is Mrs. Findlay.
Yeah, Mr. Findlay
has a mustache.
Who?
Mr. Jacks...?
Oh, I'm... I'm terribly sorry.
No, I... I... I d... I didn't
recognize your voice.
Oh, but that's impossible.
N... No, you simply
have to come.
Yes?
Y-yes, I... I do understand.
Yes, thank you for calling.
Chaos!
That's what this
evening is turning into,
complete chaos!
What happened?
That was Marcelus
Jackson on the phone.
He and his wife can't come.
So it's a big party. What's
two guests, more or less?
Because these aren't
your average guests.
They're black, aren't
they, Mother? Yes.
So they're black, and they
can't come. What's tragic?
You act like they're
supposed to bring the ice.
Walter, how can I have a
party with a black guest of honor
and not one single black guest?
Maybe you should have
invited two black couples, Maude.
That's right, Maude.
You should always
have a backup black.
Please, if you really do exist,
get him soon.
Where am I going to find
a black guest at this hour?
Try the yellow pages.
Aren't they just for Orientals?
Hurry, hurry!
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
Walter, I know there was
a black man at our
table at the Astins'
the other night,
right? There was.
The waiter.
Listen, Mother,
a token black guest
is not gonna mean
that much to Jim Chambers.
Thank you for the advice, Carol.
Look, I know there was a
black couple at one of the parties
we attended
recently. He was a...
He was a college
professor or something.
Was it at Marsha Higgins'?
Marsha Higgins?
No, I don't think so. Her
bag is American Indians.
Wait a minute, it was at
the party the week before
at the Franklins'. Yes.
I can see them before
me right now. Yes.
Short, fat, black, and boring.
Walter. Maude, don't tell me
because a couple is black,
they can't be boring.
I didn't say that.
Look, Walter, just call
Sam Franklin on the phone,
invite them over,
and tell them to bring
that charming black couple.
Your boring one.
You want me to do that?
Walter, I have a thousand
details on my mind.
Can't you do one
simple thing for me?
I'd rather do the other
999. You do the simple one.
You live with a family.
You give them your life.
You ask practically
nothing in return.
What do you get?
Where did I go wrong?
What did I do to deserve it?
That's what I want to know.
Somebody, somewh...
Hello, Diane?
Yeah, this is Maude Findlay.
Yeah, uh, Walter
and I are giving
a little last-minute
get-together tonight.
We wondered if you
and Sam could come.
You can? Oh, wonderful.
[QUIETLY] They can come.
Um, by the way, Diane,
you remember that, uh,
charming black couple
that we met at your house
a couple of weeks ago?
Yeah. Do you suppose you
could bring them along with you?
Why, Diane,
now, how can you
suggest such a thing?
No, I am not calling
at the last minute
because I want you to
bring the black couple.
No, I mean, if all I wanted
was the black couple,
I'd simply call
the black couple.
Diane, what a
terrible thing to say.
What'd she say?
She said to call
the black couple.
Face it, Maude, you're
not gonna find a black
in time for tonight's party.
I am not going to give
up so easily, Walter.
There has to be at least
one black guest at this party.
Miss Findlay.
I'm leaving now.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Ooh, everybody!
Everybody!
Everybody, guess
who's on the phone.
One of Jim Chambers' aides.
[GUESTS MURMURING]
What? W-wait, wait.
They're getting off at
Route 202 at Sunnydale.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah... They'll
be here in exactly 12 minutes.
Oh, wonderful. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Say hello to the party.
Yeah, say hello. GUESTS: Hello!
Yes, they say hello to you.
Fine. Bye-bye, Jim
Chambers' aide.
Yes. Oh, Maude,
what a nice gathering.
Well, thank you, dear.
You know, you do things
so nicely. Thank you.
Really, I just don't
know how you manage it.
Well, what can I tell
you, Mrs. Jenkins?
Entertaining comes
second nature to me.
Arthur, I've got to
have a tranquilizer.
Give me the Valium.
But, Maudie, you had Miltown
less than two hours ago.
I know, and it
calmed me down a lot.
I am calm, am I not, Arthur?
You're breaking my watch.
Uh, pardon me. Uh, could you
tell me where the bathroom is?
Why certainly. I live here.
This is my home.
Of course I can tell you
where the bathroom is.
Arthur, the Valium.
Maybe I better give
you 5 milligrams.
Maude.
Walter, what happened?
Did the meatballs burn?
The salad went limp? No.
Now all the food went limp?
No, really, Maude, I
just wanted to tell you
what a great party it is.
Look, Walter, do me a favor.
If you don't have anything
bad to say, keep quiet.
I really don't think that
I need this tranquilizer.
Do you, Arthur?
Mother?
How do you think the
party's going, Carol?
Oh, it's a wonderful party.
Everybody's having a ball.
A lot you know.
What was in that
pill you just took?
Oh, Arthur just gave me a
tranquilizer to calm me down.
[MANIACALLY] As if I needed it.
Give me the drink. No, no!
No, you've had
Miltown and Valium.
You can't have a drink too.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Did you hear a ding-dong?
Yes. Take my glass.
You know who that is? No.
It's the Fergusons.
They're bringing the Kennys.
They're the ones who gave $5000
to talk to Julius La Rosa.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Please, excuse me.
Excuse me, please.
Well, Mr. And Mrs. Ferguson.
And you dear people
must be the William Kennys.
Uh, Walter?
Walter?
Walter?
Uh, Walter, you've met
the Fergusons, of course.
These charming people,
Walter, are the William Kennys.
Loaded.
WOMAN: Maude, Maude.
[QUIETLY] Tampax?
Oh, of course, dear. In
the upstairs bathroom,
below the sink, in the
cabinet to the right side.
Isn't it always the way, though?
You wait and wait and
wait, and then it happens
right in the middle of a party.
MAN: Pardon me.
You're the man who was
looking for the bathroom.
Yes, and I still
haven't found...
So nice seeing you again.
You have another guest
coming down the stairs.
Oh?
Listen to this.
Why, Mrs. Dubonay,
there you are.
I was wondering where
you disappeared to.
Everybody, everybody,
I'd like you to meet
my very dear friend,
Mrs. Florida Dubonay, a guest.
[MOUTHS] Thank you.
Florida, dear, I'd like
you to meet Mr. Ferguson,
who was kind enough
to bring with him tonight
Mr. William Kenny.
Ooh, the loaded ones.
She's... She's such a kidder.
[SLAP]
Arthur. Yeah.
Maude just drank
a tumbler of Scotch.
With all the pills in
her, what could happen?
With Maude, anything,
Walter, anything.
Fellow liberals,
fellow liberals,
and Arthur.
May I have your
attention, please?
First, I want to tell you
that black militant,
Jim Chambers,
will be here in less
than five minutes.
[GUESTS APPLAUDING]
[APPLAUSE STOPS]
Second, I do want to
tell you how very honored
my dear husband, Walter,
and I are to have you
all in our home tonight.
Especially Mr. and
Mrs. William Kenny.
And third,
from Rodgers and Hammerstein's
immortal South Pacific,
my version of "Some
Enchanted Evening."
♪ Some enchanted evening ♪
♪ You will see a stranger... ♪
Thank you, darling.
If Mrs. Findlay should have
another announcement for you,
I'll let you know.
What I'll do is I'll
probably shout:
"Announcement! Announcement!"
Thank you for your attention.
Walter,
you deliberately interrupted
my speech to the ensemble.
What speech? You
were beginning to sing
"Some Enchanted
Evening." Listen, Walter,
I'm getting very
worried about Florida.
She's acting strange.
Is that so?
She thinks she's
not Mrs. Dubonay.
Walter, help her.
I will as soon as
I can get away.
And one more thing, Walter.
I love you.
Now leave me the hell alone.
Mrs. Findlay, you know,
it's way past 12 minutes.
Where is this Chambers fellow?
[GUESTS CLAMORING]
MAN: Where is he?
Ladies and gentlemen,
please, quiet, quiet, folks.
Uh, he'll be here in
less than four minutes.
Uh, while we're waiting,
uh, tell me, how
many of you have read
his brand-new book,
uh, Give Us Colorado?
I read it, Maudie.
You don't count, Arthur.
Oh, you say I don't count.
That's because you don't
want everyone to know
that Jim Chambers has gone mad.
In his book, Give Us Colorado,
he wants the
United States to give
the entire state of
Colorado to the blacks.
[GUESTS MURMURING]
Colorado?
Well, isn't that where Aspen is?
That's right.
Well, to hell with him.
Blacks don't ski.
Course not.
Quiet, quiet. Everybody,
everybody, listen.
If you would really like to
know about Mr. Chambers
and the entire black
experience from an expert,
allow me to present
my very dear friend
and a true black herself,
Mrs. Florida Dubonay.
Now, let her prove
it to the guests.
Florida, dear, before
Mr. Chambers comes,
perhaps you would share with us
some of your vast
black experience.
What do you mean, share
the black experience?
I am the black experience.
We know, Florida,
but don't you agree
that there are some blacks
who really don't
know who they are?
Maybe so, but
when they find out,
it won't be at a
white cocktail party.
You know, Maude, it seems to me
that I've seen this Mrs.
Dubonay somewhere before.
Maybe you ought to tell
everybody who she really is.
GUESTS: Yeah!
Come on, Arthur,
just calm down and
stop making waves.
You want to know?
You really want to know?
GUESTS: Yes.
"Who is Mrs. Dubonay?" you ask.
I have a better
question, Arthur Harmon.
Who is you?
Who is any of us?
♪ Who is Sylvia? ♪
Announcement! Announcement!
My wife is now going to tell you
who Mrs. Dubonay really is.
Maude?
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mrs. Dubonay is a
visitor from a far-off land.
She is a proud native
of a newly emerging
black nation.
Yeah.
Harlem.
And while we're on Harlem,
I'd like to get back
to Mr. Jim Chambers.
Now, I saw him on the
Cavett Show, you see,
and he's one kind of guy,
amiable, quiet, content.
But you read his book,
Give Us Colorado,
and the man's a savage.
Yes, as a writer,
but in a living
room, he's charming,
particularly at a
fundraising party for him.
Fundraising party?
Did she say "fundraising party"?
There is nothing
in my invitation
that says anything
about fundraising.
And there was a very good
reason for that, Mr. Ferguson.
If I had mentioned fundraising,
none of you would have come.
Well, I'm tired of
being invited to parties
and then getting
my pockets picked.
Oh, come on, Kenny,
with a personality like yours,
why else would you be invited?
[GUESTS GASPING, CHATTERING]
CAROL: Mother.
Trudy, I think it's
time for us to leave.
And don't forget your
purse. Wait, wait, everybody.
No, listen. Friends, friends.
People, listen, uh, Jim Chambers
will be here in one minute.
Why don't we all
count down together?
Come on, 59, 58, 57...
You're not counting.
Fifty-six, 55, fifty...
This is all your fault, Arthur.
Hm, my fault?
Well, that's gratitude.
Good night, Walter.
Good night, Maude.
I never want you back
in this house again!
You ruined my party!
Three things ruined
your party, Maudie.
Your deceit, your
lies and your singing.
I hope your stethoscope
gets stuck up your ears!
I found it.
Walter, where's Carol?
She drove Florida home.
Well, it's just the two of us.
What are we gonna do, Walter?
Announcement,
announcement, Maude.
There's just one of
us. I'm goin' to bed.
What do you mean,
you're going to bed?
He's gonna be here any
minute. [DOORBELL RINGING]
Walter, he's here!
Walter, come back
here! He's out...!
Wal...! Walter,
he's at the...! Walter!
[GLASS BREAKS]
Mr. Chambers.
Welcome to an
evening with Maude.
Good morning.
Hi, honey.
How'd it go last night?
Very well.
I didn't even need you.
Oh?
Oh, we had a long
talk about his...
His lifestyle, his philosophy.
And even though I didn't
agree with everything,
it was really fascinating.
So as far as I'm concerned,
the evening was a
complete success.
And it was a complete
success for Jim Chambers too.
It was?
He raised a thousand dollars.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
FLORIDA: Will you please
move? You're in the way.
Don't you have
anything to do out there?
WALTER: Come on.
FLORIDA: Stop that and get out
of my kitchen,
Mr. Findlay. All right.
How can I get ready for a party
with you messin' with
my hot hors d'oeuvres.
You practically killed off
the meatballs single-handed.
Oh, come on, Florida,
it was one meatball
hangin' over the platter,
and I scooped it
up just before it fell.
Yeah? You come back
into my kitchen once more,
and I'm gonna chop
off your scooper.
I'm beginning to know what
they mean by black power.
How's your mother
bearing up, Carol?
Are you kidding?
You know Mother when
she's giving a party.
She worries herself sick
over every little detail.
Yeah, I'll bet tonight
she's gonna be as nervous
as a long-tailed cat in
a room full of rockers.
That doesn't sound
like you, Walter.
It wasn't. I heard
it on Hee Haw.
You know, Carol,
I'm worried about your mother.
This is the most important
party she's ever thrown.
I know. That's why she's
taking so long to get ready.
Every time I go upstairs,
she's putting her
eyelashes on again.
Well, I finally
got my lashes on.
On my nose.
Where is the cleaner
with my dress?
He's had it for over a week.
I'll kill him.
Take it easy, Maude.
It's only 7:30.
Nobody's due until 8.
Don't you think I know that?
Look, Walter, I have 30
people coming tonight.
Now, please, get off my back.
Well, I'm sorry, dear,
but there's no reason
for you to be tense.
Tense? Tense?
Me tense?
I have taken two Miltown,
the greatest tranquilizer
known to man,
and you tell me
I'm tense? Mm-hm.
Carol, get the food
already. Yes, Mother.
Has the bartender come yet?
Mother, Mother, relax.
Everything's taken
care of. [GROANS]
The bartender will
be here any minute.
Oh, thank you, dear.
[TEARFULLY] And thank you
for leaving work early to help out.
I need you both.
And I know I can count on you.
Because I the world's
sweetest husband.
And the world's dearest daugh...
What the hell's with
the floral arrangement?
I turn my back for 30 seconds,
the place is a shambles.
Carol, put that over there.
Walter, bring that down there.
What happened to the "dearest
husband" and "sweetest daughter"
you were blessed
with? Oh, I don't know.
Easy come, easy go.
Look, I know I'm a little
bit hysterical tonight,
but I've never given
a party like this.
Do you realize
who's coming tonight?
The important
people. The Fergusons.
The Kennys, the
Armstrongs... Mother, Mother,
you don't have to worry.
They couldn't care
less about the party.
That's not where it's at.
I'm giving a party for
one of the most important
black militant
leaders in the country.
And you're telling
me where it's at?
Did I tell you the Fergusons
are bringing the Kennys,
and the Kennys
once gave a telethon.
Five thousand dollars
just to talk on the phone
with Julius La Rosa.
Oh, I'm as nervous
as a long-tailed cat
in a room full of rockers.
Don't look at me. I heard it
on The Dean Martin Show.
Miss Findlay, about this outfit.
I am not a French maid,
and I ain't never gonna
look like no French maid.
On me, this thing
ain't no apron.
It's a... It's a doily.
Florida Evans, what the hell
are you doing here tonight?
I told you, you are not
supposed to be here.
Mother.
I... Really, sometimes
I question your...
Your social sensitivity.
All three of you.
For heaven's sake.
Do you really want
Jim Chambers to think
that he is in a typical
middle-class home,
where we use black
people to do the work
that white people won't do?
But he will be in a
typical middle-class home
where we use black
people to do the work
that white people won't do.
God'll get you for that, Walter.
Mother, will you listen to me?
Now, the agency called
while you were upstairs
putting your
eyelashes on your nose.
The woman that they were
sending to serve tonight
got ptomaine
poisoning at a party
she served last night.
So I asked Florida to stay.
Carol, don't you realize
that the black servant is
the symbol of everything
that black militants
like Jim Chambers
detest in our society?
It's the Aunt Jemima
image all over again.
You're callin' me Aunt Jemima?
[EXAGGERATED
ACCENT] Lordy, Lordy.
You want me to
shuffle off to the kitchen
and mix you up another
batch of flapjacks?
A black god'll get
you for that, Florida.
[LAUGHING]
[NORMAL VOICE] It
won't be the first time.
Look, Mrs. Findlay,
I work for a living,
my husband is a fireman,
and together we're bringing
up three beautiful black kids.
Now, if there's anything
Aunt Jemima in that,
I'll eat it.
Florida, I'll pay you
not to work tonight.
I can't risk offending him
by having a black serving.
I'm trying to raise
at least $15,000
for his various activities.
Woman, if you could raise
$15,000 for Jim Chambers,
he ain't gonna care
if the Harlem
Globetrotters is servin'.
Well, anyway, it's a good
excuse to get out of this uniform.
Sometimes I think black on
black is worse than white on white.
Oh, by the way, Maude,
your invitation should have said
that this was a
fundraising party.
Walter, people do not
go to fundraising parties.
Uh, they're tired of them.
How can you raise
$15,000 on a lie?
Because, Walter,
this isn't just any lie.
This is a really big one.
[KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS]
Maudie, Maudie, Maudie.
Have no fear.
Your favorite next-door
neighbor is here.
Look, Arthur, do
not start with me.
I am already two
miles past hysteria
and rapidly approaching berserk.
I know that, Maudie.
Walter told me you needed
something to calm you down,
so I brought you a tranquilizer.
Valium.
But I just took two Miltown.
And she's still as
nervous as a long-tailed cat
in a room full of rockers.
Figured it was
my turn, that's all.
It's a good joke, though.
I heard it on Sonny and Cher.
Well...
we'll save the Valium
till later, Maudie.
The Miltown will hold
you. I hope so, Arthur.
Arthur, do you realize the
guest list coming tonight?
Yes, I heard. The
Armstrongs, the Hilliards,
the Jeffersons,
the Julius La Rosas.
You're a little mixed
up there, Arthur.
Never mind, Walter. He's
been mixed up since birth.
That's my reward for bringing
you a tranquilizer, huh?
An insult. No.
That's for all the
things you're thinking
about my having a black
militant guest in this house.
Oh, well, in that case,
I think you can afford
to insult me a little more,
because Mr. Jim Chambers
happens to be the
worst... Look, look,
Arthur I'm already hysterical...
Arthur! Arthur!
Maude!
Sit!
Now, Arthur,
Maude's in trouble
enough with this party.
I don't want her upset anymore
than she is. Understand?
And as for you, Maude,
the first guest
hasn't even arrived
and already
you're a total wreck.
You've got to leave a
little falling apart for later.
Thank you, Walter.
And before your next attempt
at peacemaking, may I remind you
who controls both sides
of our electric blanket.
[PAGER BEEPING]
Oh, oh, oh, there
goes the old bleeper.
I better go home
and call my service,
but I'll be back for the party.
Take your time,
Arthur. Take your time.
If you don't get back
at all, we'll understand.
I know that, Maudie.
That's why I'm coming
back, if it kills me.
On those terms, I'll accept.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
I really don't know why you
had to invite him tonight, Walter.
I need him like a
bad case of shingles.
Hello?
No, this is not Mr. Findlay.
This is Mrs. Findlay.
Yeah, Mr. Findlay
has a mustache.
Who?
Mr. Jacks...?
Oh, I'm... I'm terribly sorry.
No, I... I... I d... I didn't
recognize your voice.
Oh, but that's impossible.
N... No, you simply
have to come.
Yes?
Y-yes, I... I do understand.
Yes, thank you for calling.
Chaos!
That's what this
evening is turning into,
complete chaos!
What happened?
That was Marcelus
Jackson on the phone.
He and his wife can't come.
So it's a big party. What's
two guests, more or less?
Because these aren't
your average guests.
They're black, aren't
they, Mother? Yes.
So they're black, and they
can't come. What's tragic?
You act like they're
supposed to bring the ice.
Walter, how can I have a
party with a black guest of honor
and not one single black guest?
Maybe you should have
invited two black couples, Maude.
That's right, Maude.
You should always
have a backup black.
Please, if you really do exist,
get him soon.
Where am I going to find
a black guest at this hour?
Try the yellow pages.
Aren't they just for Orientals?
Hurry, hurry!
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
Walter, I know there was
a black man at our
table at the Astins'
the other night,
right? There was.
The waiter.
Listen, Mother,
a token black guest
is not gonna mean
that much to Jim Chambers.
Thank you for the advice, Carol.
Look, I know there was a
black couple at one of the parties
we attended
recently. He was a...
He was a college
professor or something.
Was it at Marsha Higgins'?
Marsha Higgins?
No, I don't think so. Her
bag is American Indians.
Wait a minute, it was at
the party the week before
at the Franklins'. Yes.
I can see them before
me right now. Yes.
Short, fat, black, and boring.
Walter. Maude, don't tell me
because a couple is black,
they can't be boring.
I didn't say that.
Look, Walter, just call
Sam Franklin on the phone,
invite them over,
and tell them to bring
that charming black couple.
Your boring one.
You want me to do that?
Walter, I have a thousand
details on my mind.
Can't you do one
simple thing for me?
I'd rather do the other
999. You do the simple one.
You live with a family.
You give them your life.
You ask practically
nothing in return.
What do you get?
Where did I go wrong?
What did I do to deserve it?
That's what I want to know.
Somebody, somewh...
Hello, Diane?
Yeah, this is Maude Findlay.
Yeah, uh, Walter
and I are giving
a little last-minute
get-together tonight.
We wondered if you
and Sam could come.
You can? Oh, wonderful.
[QUIETLY] They can come.
Um, by the way, Diane,
you remember that, uh,
charming black couple
that we met at your house
a couple of weeks ago?
Yeah. Do you suppose you
could bring them along with you?
Why, Diane,
now, how can you
suggest such a thing?
No, I am not calling
at the last minute
because I want you to
bring the black couple.
No, I mean, if all I wanted
was the black couple,
I'd simply call
the black couple.
Diane, what a
terrible thing to say.
What'd she say?
She said to call
the black couple.
Face it, Maude, you're
not gonna find a black
in time for tonight's party.
I am not going to give
up so easily, Walter.
There has to be at least
one black guest at this party.
Miss Findlay.
I'm leaving now.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Ooh, everybody!
Everybody!
Everybody, guess
who's on the phone.
One of Jim Chambers' aides.
[GUESTS MURMURING]
What? W-wait, wait.
They're getting off at
Route 202 at Sunnydale.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah... They'll
be here in exactly 12 minutes.
Oh, wonderful. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Say hello to the party.
Yeah, say hello. GUESTS: Hello!
Yes, they say hello to you.
Fine. Bye-bye, Jim
Chambers' aide.
Yes. Oh, Maude,
what a nice gathering.
Well, thank you, dear.
You know, you do things
so nicely. Thank you.
Really, I just don't
know how you manage it.
Well, what can I tell
you, Mrs. Jenkins?
Entertaining comes
second nature to me.
Arthur, I've got to
have a tranquilizer.
Give me the Valium.
But, Maudie, you had Miltown
less than two hours ago.
I know, and it
calmed me down a lot.
I am calm, am I not, Arthur?
You're breaking my watch.
Uh, pardon me. Uh, could you
tell me where the bathroom is?
Why certainly. I live here.
This is my home.
Of course I can tell you
where the bathroom is.
Arthur, the Valium.
Maybe I better give
you 5 milligrams.
Maude.
Walter, what happened?
Did the meatballs burn?
The salad went limp? No.
Now all the food went limp?
No, really, Maude, I
just wanted to tell you
what a great party it is.
Look, Walter, do me a favor.
If you don't have anything
bad to say, keep quiet.
I really don't think that
I need this tranquilizer.
Do you, Arthur?
Mother?
How do you think the
party's going, Carol?
Oh, it's a wonderful party.
Everybody's having a ball.
A lot you know.
What was in that
pill you just took?
Oh, Arthur just gave me a
tranquilizer to calm me down.
[MANIACALLY] As if I needed it.
Give me the drink. No, no!
No, you've had
Miltown and Valium.
You can't have a drink too.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Did you hear a ding-dong?
Yes. Take my glass.
You know who that is? No.
It's the Fergusons.
They're bringing the Kennys.
They're the ones who gave $5000
to talk to Julius La Rosa.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Please, excuse me.
Excuse me, please.
Well, Mr. And Mrs. Ferguson.
And you dear people
must be the William Kennys.
Uh, Walter?
Walter?
Walter?
Uh, Walter, you've met
the Fergusons, of course.
These charming people,
Walter, are the William Kennys.
Loaded.
WOMAN: Maude, Maude.
[QUIETLY] Tampax?
Oh, of course, dear. In
the upstairs bathroom,
below the sink, in the
cabinet to the right side.
Isn't it always the way, though?
You wait and wait and
wait, and then it happens
right in the middle of a party.
MAN: Pardon me.
You're the man who was
looking for the bathroom.
Yes, and I still
haven't found...
So nice seeing you again.
You have another guest
coming down the stairs.
Oh?
Listen to this.
Why, Mrs. Dubonay,
there you are.
I was wondering where
you disappeared to.
Everybody, everybody,
I'd like you to meet
my very dear friend,
Mrs. Florida Dubonay, a guest.
[MOUTHS] Thank you.
Florida, dear, I'd like
you to meet Mr. Ferguson,
who was kind enough
to bring with him tonight
Mr. William Kenny.
Ooh, the loaded ones.
She's... She's such a kidder.
[SLAP]
Arthur. Yeah.
Maude just drank
a tumbler of Scotch.
With all the pills in
her, what could happen?
With Maude, anything,
Walter, anything.
Fellow liberals,
fellow liberals,
and Arthur.
May I have your
attention, please?
First, I want to tell you
that black militant,
Jim Chambers,
will be here in less
than five minutes.
[GUESTS APPLAUDING]
[APPLAUSE STOPS]
Second, I do want to
tell you how very honored
my dear husband, Walter,
and I are to have you
all in our home tonight.
Especially Mr. and
Mrs. William Kenny.
And third,
from Rodgers and Hammerstein's
immortal South Pacific,
my version of "Some
Enchanted Evening."
♪ Some enchanted evening ♪
♪ You will see a stranger... ♪
Thank you, darling.
If Mrs. Findlay should have
another announcement for you,
I'll let you know.
What I'll do is I'll
probably shout:
"Announcement! Announcement!"
Thank you for your attention.
Walter,
you deliberately interrupted
my speech to the ensemble.
What speech? You
were beginning to sing
"Some Enchanted
Evening." Listen, Walter,
I'm getting very
worried about Florida.
She's acting strange.
Is that so?
She thinks she's
not Mrs. Dubonay.
Walter, help her.
I will as soon as
I can get away.
And one more thing, Walter.
I love you.
Now leave me the hell alone.
Mrs. Findlay, you know,
it's way past 12 minutes.
Where is this Chambers fellow?
[GUESTS CLAMORING]
MAN: Where is he?
Ladies and gentlemen,
please, quiet, quiet, folks.
Uh, he'll be here in
less than four minutes.
Uh, while we're waiting,
uh, tell me, how
many of you have read
his brand-new book,
uh, Give Us Colorado?
I read it, Maudie.
You don't count, Arthur.
Oh, you say I don't count.
That's because you don't
want everyone to know
that Jim Chambers has gone mad.
In his book, Give Us Colorado,
he wants the
United States to give
the entire state of
Colorado to the blacks.
[GUESTS MURMURING]
Colorado?
Well, isn't that where Aspen is?
That's right.
Well, to hell with him.
Blacks don't ski.
Course not.
Quiet, quiet. Everybody,
everybody, listen.
If you would really like to
know about Mr. Chambers
and the entire black
experience from an expert,
allow me to present
my very dear friend
and a true black herself,
Mrs. Florida Dubonay.
Now, let her prove
it to the guests.
Florida, dear, before
Mr. Chambers comes,
perhaps you would share with us
some of your vast
black experience.
What do you mean, share
the black experience?
I am the black experience.
We know, Florida,
but don't you agree
that there are some blacks
who really don't
know who they are?
Maybe so, but
when they find out,
it won't be at a
white cocktail party.
You know, Maude, it seems to me
that I've seen this Mrs.
Dubonay somewhere before.
Maybe you ought to tell
everybody who she really is.
GUESTS: Yeah!
Come on, Arthur,
just calm down and
stop making waves.
You want to know?
You really want to know?
GUESTS: Yes.
"Who is Mrs. Dubonay?" you ask.
I have a better
question, Arthur Harmon.
Who is you?
Who is any of us?
♪ Who is Sylvia? ♪
Announcement! Announcement!
My wife is now going to tell you
who Mrs. Dubonay really is.
Maude?
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mrs. Dubonay is a
visitor from a far-off land.
She is a proud native
of a newly emerging
black nation.
Yeah.
Harlem.
And while we're on Harlem,
I'd like to get back
to Mr. Jim Chambers.
Now, I saw him on the
Cavett Show, you see,
and he's one kind of guy,
amiable, quiet, content.
But you read his book,
Give Us Colorado,
and the man's a savage.
Yes, as a writer,
but in a living
room, he's charming,
particularly at a
fundraising party for him.
Fundraising party?
Did she say "fundraising party"?
There is nothing
in my invitation
that says anything
about fundraising.
And there was a very good
reason for that, Mr. Ferguson.
If I had mentioned fundraising,
none of you would have come.
Well, I'm tired of
being invited to parties
and then getting
my pockets picked.
Oh, come on, Kenny,
with a personality like yours,
why else would you be invited?
[GUESTS GASPING, CHATTERING]
CAROL: Mother.
Trudy, I think it's
time for us to leave.
And don't forget your
purse. Wait, wait, everybody.
No, listen. Friends, friends.
People, listen, uh, Jim Chambers
will be here in one minute.
Why don't we all
count down together?
Come on, 59, 58, 57...
You're not counting.
Fifty-six, 55, fifty...
This is all your fault, Arthur.
Hm, my fault?
Well, that's gratitude.
Good night, Walter.
Good night, Maude.
I never want you back
in this house again!
You ruined my party!
Three things ruined
your party, Maudie.
Your deceit, your
lies and your singing.
I hope your stethoscope
gets stuck up your ears!
I found it.
Walter, where's Carol?
She drove Florida home.
Well, it's just the two of us.
What are we gonna do, Walter?
Announcement,
announcement, Maude.
There's just one of
us. I'm goin' to bed.
What do you mean,
you're going to bed?
He's gonna be here any
minute. [DOORBELL RINGING]
Walter, he's here!
Walter, come back
here! He's out...!
Wal...! Walter,
he's at the...! Walter!
[GLASS BREAKS]
Mr. Chambers.
Welcome to an
evening with Maude.
Good morning.
Hi, honey.
How'd it go last night?
Very well.
I didn't even need you.
Oh?
Oh, we had a long
talk about his...
His lifestyle, his philosophy.
And even though I didn't
agree with everything,
it was really fascinating.
So as far as I'm concerned,
the evening was a
complete success.
And it was a complete
success for Jim Chambers too.
It was?
He raised a thousand dollars.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪