Maude (1972–1978): Season 1, Episode 20 - Maude's Good Deed - full transcript
Maude tries to play matchmaker with Arthur and a good friend, Jane. Maude finds out Jane has problems with her daughter, Linda, and she tries to reconcile them.
[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
♪ After the ball is over ♪
♪ Mary takes out Her glass eye ♪
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
♪ Puts her false
teeth In cold water ♪
Maude, what are you singing?
Ever since Jane came to
visit, you've been carrying on
like a sorority girl.
Honey, that's
exactly what I feel like.
In fact, do you know that Jane
and I used to sing that song
way back in our sorority
days, when we were young
and the dinosaurs
ruled the Earth?
Oh, honey, I can't tell
you how fantastic it is
to have Jane here.
Hey, Jane, remember this one?
♪ Oh, how we danced ♪
♪ On the night we were wed ♪
BOTH: ♪ We danced
and we danced ♪
♪ 'Cause the room Had no bed ♪
Hey, Maude, remember this one?
♪ Button up your overcoat ♪
♪ You forgot your pants ♪
Now, that was a doozy. [LAUGHS]
Do you realize that we
actually used to say "doozy"?
And "nifty."
Yeah, and when a
good-looking guy walked by:
BOTH: Hubba-hubba-hubba-hubba.
[LAUGHS] Jane. Jane.
Oh, Maude, I can't remember
when I had such a good time.
You two women are behaving
like a couple of teenagers.
Yes, and this teenager
better truck on
out to the kitchen
and see how her
beef stroganoff's doing.
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Doo-doo-doo Doo-doo ♪
Mother, how come
there's six place settings?
There's just us three,
Jane and Arthur.
Phillip's at Jimmy's.
Well, you never know
who might drop in.
I mean, a weary traveler,
a hungry wayfarer.
Mother, you're not making sense.
I'm not? Well, maybe that's
nature's way of telling you
to mind your own business.
Oh, I hope Arthur
likes my stroganoff.
It's my best shot.
Arthur Harmon? He'll love it.
How can you miss with a
man who gives four stars
to Franco-American spaghetti?
Oh, Janie, Janie, I can't
tell you how thrilled I am
that you and Arthur
are hitting it off.
Oh, so am I, Maude.
He's so adorable.
He's got that cuddly
kind of face and...
Do you know, I think he
knows more about old movies
than anybody I know.
Of course, and you
have that in common.
Oh, Jane, I mean, you
have so much in common.
And on top of everything
else, he's a doctor.
Right. Do you know,
you could be dying
and never have
to leave the house?
Mother, they've only
known each other three days.
Honey, when you're over 40
and single you don't count days.
You count opportunities.
Besides, if nothing's happened,
she's still had a good time.
And if something does happen?
Then Arthur had a good time.
BOTH: Hubba-hubba-hubba-hubba.
You two are a riot.
So are some of these
pictures in the family album.
Oh, Jane, look at this one.
Oh, my goodness,
our school pageant.
Here I am playing
Betsy Ross, Carol.
Who's the good-looking guy?
It's me.
I was George Washington.
I was also Robin
Hood, Benjamin Franklin
and Saint Francis of Assisi.
[LAUGHS]
Carol, if you never
wanna be typecast,
don't be the tallest girl
with the deepest voice
in an all-girl school.
Carol, look.
Here's a picture
of Jane with Linda.
That's Linda? Yeah,
Jane's daughter.
Oh, she couldn't have
been more than 4 years old.
Oh, is that adorable?
Adorable.
If I'd known how she
was gonna turn out,
I'd have bought
a poodle instead.
Oh, Jane, how can
you talk that way
about your own daughter?
Maude, you tell me.
Would an adorable daughter
try to take her mother to court?
She did that?
Over the money
her father left her.
If Harvey had wanted
her to blow $25,000
on gurus with greasy ponytails,
he wouldn't have named
me executor of his estate.
He'd have named Sonny and Cher.
Still and all, Jane,
I mean, it's so sad.
Here you come all
the way from Chicago,
you don't even call
your own daughter.
Remember that poem?
Oh, my son's my son
Till he gets him a wife
But my daughter's my
daughter For all of her life
Then there's that other poem:
Lizzie Borden took an axe
And gave her mother 40 whacks
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
Jane, really.
Listen, I don't
wanna talk about it.
We have never gotten
along, and we never will.
If I've gotta make myself
look seductive for Arthur,
I'd better go upstairs and
beat this chin into submission.
You know, honey,
I have an overwhelming
feeling that tonight
is gonna be the happiest
night of Jane's life.
I have an overwhelming
feeling too, Mother.
The extra place setting,
all this lovey-dovey
mother-daughter talk.
You invited Jane's
daughter, didn't you?
Not necessarily.
Mother, you're lying.
How dare you say that
to Saint Francis of Assisi?
I did invite her over here.
I told her that her mother
was dying to see her.
That is the most outrageous
lie you have ever told.
It is not.
When you were 2
years old, you asked me
what your bellybutton was for.
And I told you it was
a place to keep salt
if you wanted to
eat celery in bed.
Oh, honey, Carol.
Sweetheart, I only want
Jane and Linda to have
the same lovely
relationship that we have.
So will you stop
being a rotten kid?
CAROL: Mother, you are trying
to run other people's lives again.
MAUDE: I am not trying to
run other people's lives again.
Well, at least I know
I'm in the right house.
Mm, smells good.
Beef stroganoff?
MAUDE: Mm-hmm.
Jane's making dinner tonight.
You know it's Arthur's favorite.
Naturally. When is
the wedding, Maude?
Walter, I only introduced them
to each other three days ago.
That's what I mean. You're
two days behind schedule.
Hi, Walter.
Jane, that's terrific.
Oh, Jane, you look...
You look exquisite.
You're every inch
the beauty I am.
Yeah, I know, Maude.
The only thing that
gets me through the day
is saying to myself in
the mirror every morning:
Mirror, mirror No
matter how blue
Ava Gardner is older than you
You do that too? Mm-hm.
I take from Dolores del Rio.
Who's Dolores del Rio?
A river in Mexico.
You know, when I
look in the mirror...
Oh, who cares,
Walter? Who cares?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hi, gang. WALTER: Hello, Arthur.
Hello, Arthur, how
are you? Arthur.
Boy, it's freezing. I
shoulda worn an overcoat.
Just coming from next
door, I am freezing.
Eleven American Beauties.
The 12th is you.
Oh, they're lovely, Arthur.
Do you recognize the line?
"Eleven American Beauties.
The 12th is you..." Uh, uh, uh.
Walter Pidgeon to Greer
Garson. Mrs. Miniver, 1942?
Close, close, close.
David Niven to Loretta
Young, 1939. Oh, of course.
They don't write dialogue
like that anymore. Ha-ha!
You're so thoughtful, Arthur.
You're so lovely, Jane.
Loveliness makes
thoughtfulness a pleasure.
Arthur to Jane, 1973.
I'll bet all your lady patients
fall in love with you, Arthur.
Well, it's getting hard...
Harder to handle all the time.
Blow in my stethoscope,
I'll follow you anywhere.
[CHUCKLES]
Follow me right now. There's
something I want you to see.
Look, Maude and me in
our high-school musical.
Now, wait, who
do I remind you of?
I got it. I got it.
Thelma Todd, Bottoms Up. 1932.
How about me, Arthur?
Charles Laughton,
Mutiny on the Bounty.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
Five American fingers,
Arthur. One of them is for you.
Godzilla to the Wolfman,
Boys Town, 1947.
Well, it isn't often that
I get such lovely roses.
I'd better put these in water.
I'll go with you, lovely lady.
Nothing turns me on like
sniffing simmering stroganoff.
[CHUCKLES]
You know, honey, I think
Jane is really taken with Arthur.
[DOORBELL RINGS] And why not?
Arthur's quite a catch.
A doctor, single,
fairly well-to-do.
Yeah, and not bad-looking when
he's wearing his surgical mask.
Hi. I have this big problem.
I need to be jumped.
Oh, y-you see, it's so cold out
that my car has stalled twice,
and my battery's dead.
Linda.
Oh, Mau... Oh, my
God, you look gorgeous.
Walter, this is Linda.
Jane's little girl.
Oh, Jane's little girl. Right.
Hi, little girl.
Linda, this is
Walter, my husband.
Hi, Walter, that's a
groovy mustache you got.
Thanks. I love black mustaches.
Yeah, his is gray.
Linda.
Oh, Linda, honey, there
someone in the kitchen
who is dying to see you.
I'll believe that when I see it.
Believe it.
Not less than five minutes
ago, your mother was quoting
this lovely poem about
a girl burying the hatchet.
Forty times.
I'd say just a wee
bit more paprika.
What would you say, Florida?
I'd say get out of my kitchen.
Jane.
Jane, Linda's here.
Linda? My Linda?
Now, before you say
anything, she misses you.
She misses her money.
They'll be reunited
on her 30th birthday.
Oh, honey, she came,
braved the snow, sleet and hail,
risking a chest cold...
just so she could see you.
Now, she... She doesn't
want another night
of bitterness or
resentment. Maude, I...
Give her a chance,
give her a chance, Jane.
She's your little girl.
Linda.
Mother.
Little Linda.
Little Mother.
You see? And you two
said it wouldn't work.
Arthur, I bet you never
dreamed that anyone
as young and beautiful
as Jane could have
such a grown-up daughter.
They look like
sisters, don't they?
This is my daughter, Linda.
Linda, this is my very dear
friend, Dr. Arthur Harmon.
Hee-hee! Mother, shame on you.
Oh, goodness, he looks
young enough to be an intern.
[CHUCKLING] Oh, not really.
Uh, doc, do you
make house calls?
I'm home an awful lot.
Mae West to Cary Grant,
She Done Him Wrong, 1934.
That's right. 1933.
Right. You really are
Jane's little girl, aren't you?
Yes, ha-ha-ha! I really am.
Uh, listen, Artie... Uh, Artie?
Uh, you wouldn't happen to
have a pair of jumper cables
in your little black
bag, would you?
My battery's dead.
Ooh-hoo! I doubt that.
LINDA: Oh-ho! Naughty.
[CHUCKLING] Your battery's
dead? Her battery's dead.
As a matter of fact, I
happen to have a pair
of jumper cables in my
garage right next door.
Oh, that's fantastic.
I'll go along with you,
and I'll help you
hold the flashlight.
Arthur, what about
the beef stroganoff?
Oh.
Put a little more
paprika in it. It'll be fine.
Oh, listen, aren't you
gonna freeze? It's cold out.
No, it's like spring out there.
Where do you keep
your razorblades?
Oh, Jane, honey, I-I think
you've got the wrong impression.
Look, I've known
Arthur for years.
I got a totally
different picture.
Didn't you get a
different picture, Walter?
Oh, yeah.
James Mason, Lolita, 1962.
One little lie, Florida.
I tell one little
lie to try to bring
a mother and daughter
together, and look what happens.
Carol calls me a meddler,
Walter says that
I'm interfering,
Arthur runs off with Linda,
and Jane, my best
friend in the whole world,
is so angry she
won't even look at me.
My whole life could be
sponsored by Procter & Gamble.
I wish it was. I
could turn it off.
What are you doing?
I'm hiding Jane's mink coat
so that she can't go to Chicago
and ruin her life.
Oh, Florida, it's terrible.
Every time I come near
her, she looks the other way.
She's furious because
Arthur and Linda
never did get back
for dinner last night.
I kind of figured that
when you offered me
beef stroganoff for breakfast.
Oh, where is everybody?
You send out a call for help
and the whole world ignores you.
Mother, I'm here.
Are you all right?
I left the office as
soon as you called...
Hello, darling.
Mother, you said when you phoned
you drank a bottle of
shampoo by mistake
and were writhing in
pain on the bathroom floor.
I did, dear, but the shampoo
turned out to be cream soda,
and the pain was gas.
Oh, honey, the important
thing is that you're here.
You had me worried. Why did
you tell me you drank shampoo?
Be reasonable, Carol. Would
you have come if I told you
I drank cream soda? [SIGHS]
Maude, how bad is it?
Aw, don't worry about it,
Walter. It was just cream soda.
The basement's
flooded with cream soda?
Walter, never mind
that. Never mind that.
The important thing
is you're both here.
Maude, do you realize you
took me away from the store?
You took me away
from the office.
Look, Jane is in trouble,
and she needs our help.
Maude.
Well, I think Jane is leaving.
If that is Jane.
Jane?
Yoo-hoo, Jane.
That's her, all right.
What's the matter, Jane?
Got a pain in the neck?
Yes, and you're married to it.
Don't pounce, Walter.
Jane, darling, now,
come on. That's so unfair.
The hell it is, and
don't you "darling" me.
Look, Jane.
Jane.
Oh, come on, now.
Jane, this is ridiculous.
You can't go through
life not looking at me.
Why not? There are 900
million people in China
who never look at
you, and they get by.
Jane, let's be honest. How
many of them really get by?
Two, maybe three dozen.
Oh, Jane, Jane.
All right, I lied to
you last night. Jane.
All right, Jane, I won't
look at you either.
And I lied again.
And I'm leaving.
Oh, Jane.
Where's my coat? I hid it.
All right, then I'll
leave without it.
Jane, be reasonable.
Nobody goes to Chicago
without a mink coat.
Damn, Maude.
Why can't you mind
your own business?
Funny how everybody eventually
gets around to that question.
Thank you for that, Walter.
Maude! Oh, Maude.
Maude, are you...?
A-are you all right?
If it isn't Mr. Last
Tango in Paris.
What is this? My
answering service said
you had a broken leg.
Yeah, I did, but it went away.
I took a couple of Midol.
Maude, you got me
here on false pretenses.
Look, Arthur, don't you
think you should tell Jane
what happened last night?
How you couldn't
get Linda's car started,
so you sent her home in a cab?
And then, standing there
waiting for the tow truck,
how you slipped on the
ice and hurt your back
so that you went right home,
took a hot tub, and
then went to bed?
I really think you should
have a doctor look at that eye.
Actually, uh, I drove Linda home
and had a few drinks
at her apartment.
Uh, "pad," as she
calls it. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
That's quite a little girl
you've got there, Jane.
It's quite a pad.
Burning incense,
cushions all over the place,
half a dozen cats, maybe more.
Ever try counting cats when
you've had too much vino?
[CHUCKLES]
Maude, how much more
of this do I have to take?
Now, I'm calling a cab.
Ooh, Arthur, "tact"... T-A-C-T.
Is the only four-letter word
that doesn't describe you.
Maude, where is my coat?
All right, I'll get
it. It's in the closet.
But, Jane, you are not leaving
until you've heard the whole story.
Listen, Walter,
do you get the impression
that I'm being insulted?
Arthur, cool it. Go
squat in a neutral corner.
I don't like your
attitude, Walter.
[ALL CLAMORING]
Will you please...? Now, look,
We're not all here yet.
There is one person missing.
But any minute now...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Ah, the doorbell.
That's the answer.
Now, look, behind that
door is the missing person.
Behind this door is the
reason we are all gathered here.
Will you come in, please?
United Parcel.
Why can't you mind
your own business?
Jane, what...?
What are you doing?
I intend to wait
outside for my taxi.
Oh, Jane, please...
Give this a chance
to work, I beg of you.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, Mother.
Linda, what are you doing here?
I'm hugging you, Mother.
Maude called me and said you
decided to give me my money.
Let me tell you
something, sweetheart.
Yes, Mother?
Maude lied.
Ooh! Oh, now, look, Linda.
Before you fly off the handle,
do you know how difficult it is
to get a group of people like
this together during the day?
Do you think it's easy for me...
I've had just about enough...
[ALL CLAMORING]
Quiet! Quiet,
everybody. Order, order.
Now, that's right. Please,
everybody, sit down.
For crying out loud, Maude.
I coulda been at the store.
I coulda sold a
couple of washer...
Walter!
Sit.
All right, now.
Linda.
Jane. Carol.
Arthur. Walter.
Let me explain.
Don't tell me, Maude.
It's a Tupperware party.
God'll get you for that one.
Now, look, there is still a very
thin thread of a relationship
that I have with all of you.
Please, for the sake of that
thread, give me five minutes.
I mean, you're all... You're
all dear friends and family,
and who amongst
us is so without guilt
that he could cast
the first stone?
Well, I... Shut up.
You're probably the
guiltiest one here.
Now, look, I know that
you're all a little miffed at me,
but let's examine my motive
for a minute. I mean, I...
I invite my dearest friend
in the world, a widow,
to come to visit me.
I try to seek a little
companionship for her
with a licensed M.D., a
surgeon, from next door.
I try to reunite her with her
own flesh and blood daughter
when they haven't spoken to
each other in over eight years.
Is there a crime in this?
[LAUGHING] I mean, if
anybody can see a crime in this,
please raise your hands.
That many.
Well, I-I... I
refuse to believe it.
I-I-I refuse to believe it.
I may be old-fashioned, but I
believe that love conquers all.
Now, look, with all the
hostility in this room,
all we need is one
person, just one person,
to say something nice
about somebody else.
Linda, the Bible says:
And a little child shall lead.
So you begin.
Say something nice
about your dear mother.
♪ M is for the money
Mommy owes me ♪
Stop that!
Linda, your mother loves you.
If she loved me, she'd
give me my $25,000.
Not the $25,000 that your
father sweated blood for.
Oh, Carol, if I only
had a daughter like you.
If you had, you'd be hearing
from my lawyer. Linda's right.
Carol.
She is 26 years old, Mother.
Jane has no right
trying to control her life.
And to think that I gave
up martinis for six months
so I could breast-feed you.
[PHONE RINGING]
Don't move. Everybody stay
right here. I'll be right back.
Don't move.
Hello. Ye... What?
Oh, I'm sorry. I
can't talk to you now.
I said, I can't talk to you now.
All right, hold on. Jane...
Never mind. I've heard enough
from your pip-squeak daughter.
Oh, Carol, if only I
had a mother like you.
If only I had a
daughter like me.
Look, something tells me there's
no place for me in this argument.
Something tells me there
is no place for you, period.
Go on, Linda, follow
Arthur into the sunset,
and I hope you roast in it.
Arthur?
You thought I was
interested in Dr. Dolittle there?
Can you beat that, Carol?
Can you imagine me being
interested in a middle-aged man
who comes to my
apartment, sits on my floor,
has one glass of wine
and throws up on my cat?
Well, you didn't have
to tell everybody that.
Now, look, Arthur,
nobody is leaving
until we get this
straightened out.
Horsefeathers. I have
no time for this nonsense.
Do you realize a patient of mine
could be dying without my help?
I mean, uh... You
know what I mean.
See what you're doing, Mother?
Carol, where are you going?
Upstairs, to drink a
bottle of shampoo.
Walter, where are you
going? To the store!
But it's too late now.
The liquor store.
I need strength.
[HORN HONKING]
That's my taxi.
Goodbye, my darling.
Oh, Jane, please.
Goodbye, Mother dear.
Oh, listen. Don't
bother to write.
Just send money. Linda...
Maude, there is no law that
says a mother and daughter
have to love one another,
but there should
be one that says
they have to live
in separate cities.
Goodbye, and thanks for
straightening things out.
Oh, Jane, listen... Jane, wait.
Hello. I'm back.
What?
I'm listening.
I said I'm listening. Mother.
Wait a minute. Hold on a minute.
I'm sorry I got angry at you.
I thought about it.
What you tried to
do for Jane and Linda
was really a very sweet thing.
Thank you, Carol.
I can't tell you what
a daughter's love and
respect means to a mother.
Yeah. What?
What?
Oh, come on, now.
This is the last straw.
Well, from now on will you just
keep your opinions to
yourself and stop bugging me?!
Goodbye, Mother!
Mother, you're really something.
After all this, you still
think Linda and Jane
will get together.
Well, of course I do.
I mean, mothers and
daughters can fight,
but all through their
lives, Carol, they're...
They're attached to each other
with an unseen umbilical cord...
which makes it very difficult
going through a revolving door.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[♪♪♪]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
♪ After the ball is over ♪
♪ Mary takes out Her glass eye ♪
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
♪ Puts her false
teeth In cold water ♪
Maude, what are you singing?
Ever since Jane came to
visit, you've been carrying on
like a sorority girl.
Honey, that's
exactly what I feel like.
In fact, do you know that Jane
and I used to sing that song
way back in our sorority
days, when we were young
and the dinosaurs
ruled the Earth?
Oh, honey, I can't tell
you how fantastic it is
to have Jane here.
Hey, Jane, remember this one?
♪ Oh, how we danced ♪
♪ On the night we were wed ♪
BOTH: ♪ We danced
and we danced ♪
♪ 'Cause the room Had no bed ♪
Hey, Maude, remember this one?
♪ Button up your overcoat ♪
♪ You forgot your pants ♪
Now, that was a doozy. [LAUGHS]
Do you realize that we
actually used to say "doozy"?
And "nifty."
Yeah, and when a
good-looking guy walked by:
BOTH: Hubba-hubba-hubba-hubba.
[LAUGHS] Jane. Jane.
Oh, Maude, I can't remember
when I had such a good time.
You two women are behaving
like a couple of teenagers.
Yes, and this teenager
better truck on
out to the kitchen
and see how her
beef stroganoff's doing.
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Doo-doo-doo Doo-doo ♪
Mother, how come
there's six place settings?
There's just us three,
Jane and Arthur.
Phillip's at Jimmy's.
Well, you never know
who might drop in.
I mean, a weary traveler,
a hungry wayfarer.
Mother, you're not making sense.
I'm not? Well, maybe that's
nature's way of telling you
to mind your own business.
Oh, I hope Arthur
likes my stroganoff.
It's my best shot.
Arthur Harmon? He'll love it.
How can you miss with a
man who gives four stars
to Franco-American spaghetti?
Oh, Janie, Janie, I can't
tell you how thrilled I am
that you and Arthur
are hitting it off.
Oh, so am I, Maude.
He's so adorable.
He's got that cuddly
kind of face and...
Do you know, I think he
knows more about old movies
than anybody I know.
Of course, and you
have that in common.
Oh, Jane, I mean, you
have so much in common.
And on top of everything
else, he's a doctor.
Right. Do you know,
you could be dying
and never have
to leave the house?
Mother, they've only
known each other three days.
Honey, when you're over 40
and single you don't count days.
You count opportunities.
Besides, if nothing's happened,
she's still had a good time.
And if something does happen?
Then Arthur had a good time.
BOTH: Hubba-hubba-hubba-hubba.
You two are a riot.
So are some of these
pictures in the family album.
Oh, Jane, look at this one.
Oh, my goodness,
our school pageant.
Here I am playing
Betsy Ross, Carol.
Who's the good-looking guy?
It's me.
I was George Washington.
I was also Robin
Hood, Benjamin Franklin
and Saint Francis of Assisi.
[LAUGHS]
Carol, if you never
wanna be typecast,
don't be the tallest girl
with the deepest voice
in an all-girl school.
Carol, look.
Here's a picture
of Jane with Linda.
That's Linda? Yeah,
Jane's daughter.
Oh, she couldn't have
been more than 4 years old.
Oh, is that adorable?
Adorable.
If I'd known how she
was gonna turn out,
I'd have bought
a poodle instead.
Oh, Jane, how can
you talk that way
about your own daughter?
Maude, you tell me.
Would an adorable daughter
try to take her mother to court?
She did that?
Over the money
her father left her.
If Harvey had wanted
her to blow $25,000
on gurus with greasy ponytails,
he wouldn't have named
me executor of his estate.
He'd have named Sonny and Cher.
Still and all, Jane,
I mean, it's so sad.
Here you come all
the way from Chicago,
you don't even call
your own daughter.
Remember that poem?
Oh, my son's my son
Till he gets him a wife
But my daughter's my
daughter For all of her life
Then there's that other poem:
Lizzie Borden took an axe
And gave her mother 40 whacks
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
Jane, really.
Listen, I don't
wanna talk about it.
We have never gotten
along, and we never will.
If I've gotta make myself
look seductive for Arthur,
I'd better go upstairs and
beat this chin into submission.
You know, honey,
I have an overwhelming
feeling that tonight
is gonna be the happiest
night of Jane's life.
I have an overwhelming
feeling too, Mother.
The extra place setting,
all this lovey-dovey
mother-daughter talk.
You invited Jane's
daughter, didn't you?
Not necessarily.
Mother, you're lying.
How dare you say that
to Saint Francis of Assisi?
I did invite her over here.
I told her that her mother
was dying to see her.
That is the most outrageous
lie you have ever told.
It is not.
When you were 2
years old, you asked me
what your bellybutton was for.
And I told you it was
a place to keep salt
if you wanted to
eat celery in bed.
Oh, honey, Carol.
Sweetheart, I only want
Jane and Linda to have
the same lovely
relationship that we have.
So will you stop
being a rotten kid?
CAROL: Mother, you are trying
to run other people's lives again.
MAUDE: I am not trying to
run other people's lives again.
Well, at least I know
I'm in the right house.
Mm, smells good.
Beef stroganoff?
MAUDE: Mm-hmm.
Jane's making dinner tonight.
You know it's Arthur's favorite.
Naturally. When is
the wedding, Maude?
Walter, I only introduced them
to each other three days ago.
That's what I mean. You're
two days behind schedule.
Hi, Walter.
Jane, that's terrific.
Oh, Jane, you look...
You look exquisite.
You're every inch
the beauty I am.
Yeah, I know, Maude.
The only thing that
gets me through the day
is saying to myself in
the mirror every morning:
Mirror, mirror No
matter how blue
Ava Gardner is older than you
You do that too? Mm-hm.
I take from Dolores del Rio.
Who's Dolores del Rio?
A river in Mexico.
You know, when I
look in the mirror...
Oh, who cares,
Walter? Who cares?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hi, gang. WALTER: Hello, Arthur.
Hello, Arthur, how
are you? Arthur.
Boy, it's freezing. I
shoulda worn an overcoat.
Just coming from next
door, I am freezing.
Eleven American Beauties.
The 12th is you.
Oh, they're lovely, Arthur.
Do you recognize the line?
"Eleven American Beauties.
The 12th is you..." Uh, uh, uh.
Walter Pidgeon to Greer
Garson. Mrs. Miniver, 1942?
Close, close, close.
David Niven to Loretta
Young, 1939. Oh, of course.
They don't write dialogue
like that anymore. Ha-ha!
You're so thoughtful, Arthur.
You're so lovely, Jane.
Loveliness makes
thoughtfulness a pleasure.
Arthur to Jane, 1973.
I'll bet all your lady patients
fall in love with you, Arthur.
Well, it's getting hard...
Harder to handle all the time.
Blow in my stethoscope,
I'll follow you anywhere.
[CHUCKLES]
Follow me right now. There's
something I want you to see.
Look, Maude and me in
our high-school musical.
Now, wait, who
do I remind you of?
I got it. I got it.
Thelma Todd, Bottoms Up. 1932.
How about me, Arthur?
Charles Laughton,
Mutiny on the Bounty.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
Five American fingers,
Arthur. One of them is for you.
Godzilla to the Wolfman,
Boys Town, 1947.
Well, it isn't often that
I get such lovely roses.
I'd better put these in water.
I'll go with you, lovely lady.
Nothing turns me on like
sniffing simmering stroganoff.
[CHUCKLES]
You know, honey, I think
Jane is really taken with Arthur.
[DOORBELL RINGS] And why not?
Arthur's quite a catch.
A doctor, single,
fairly well-to-do.
Yeah, and not bad-looking when
he's wearing his surgical mask.
Hi. I have this big problem.
I need to be jumped.
Oh, y-you see, it's so cold out
that my car has stalled twice,
and my battery's dead.
Linda.
Oh, Mau... Oh, my
God, you look gorgeous.
Walter, this is Linda.
Jane's little girl.
Oh, Jane's little girl. Right.
Hi, little girl.
Linda, this is
Walter, my husband.
Hi, Walter, that's a
groovy mustache you got.
Thanks. I love black mustaches.
Yeah, his is gray.
Linda.
Oh, Linda, honey, there
someone in the kitchen
who is dying to see you.
I'll believe that when I see it.
Believe it.
Not less than five minutes
ago, your mother was quoting
this lovely poem about
a girl burying the hatchet.
Forty times.
I'd say just a wee
bit more paprika.
What would you say, Florida?
I'd say get out of my kitchen.
Jane.
Jane, Linda's here.
Linda? My Linda?
Now, before you say
anything, she misses you.
She misses her money.
They'll be reunited
on her 30th birthday.
Oh, honey, she came,
braved the snow, sleet and hail,
risking a chest cold...
just so she could see you.
Now, she... She doesn't
want another night
of bitterness or
resentment. Maude, I...
Give her a chance,
give her a chance, Jane.
She's your little girl.
Linda.
Mother.
Little Linda.
Little Mother.
You see? And you two
said it wouldn't work.
Arthur, I bet you never
dreamed that anyone
as young and beautiful
as Jane could have
such a grown-up daughter.
They look like
sisters, don't they?
This is my daughter, Linda.
Linda, this is my very dear
friend, Dr. Arthur Harmon.
Hee-hee! Mother, shame on you.
Oh, goodness, he looks
young enough to be an intern.
[CHUCKLING] Oh, not really.
Uh, doc, do you
make house calls?
I'm home an awful lot.
Mae West to Cary Grant,
She Done Him Wrong, 1934.
That's right. 1933.
Right. You really are
Jane's little girl, aren't you?
Yes, ha-ha-ha! I really am.
Uh, listen, Artie... Uh, Artie?
Uh, you wouldn't happen to
have a pair of jumper cables
in your little black
bag, would you?
My battery's dead.
Ooh-hoo! I doubt that.
LINDA: Oh-ho! Naughty.
[CHUCKLING] Your battery's
dead? Her battery's dead.
As a matter of fact, I
happen to have a pair
of jumper cables in my
garage right next door.
Oh, that's fantastic.
I'll go along with you,
and I'll help you
hold the flashlight.
Arthur, what about
the beef stroganoff?
Oh.
Put a little more
paprika in it. It'll be fine.
Oh, listen, aren't you
gonna freeze? It's cold out.
No, it's like spring out there.
Where do you keep
your razorblades?
Oh, Jane, honey, I-I think
you've got the wrong impression.
Look, I've known
Arthur for years.
I got a totally
different picture.
Didn't you get a
different picture, Walter?
Oh, yeah.
James Mason, Lolita, 1962.
One little lie, Florida.
I tell one little
lie to try to bring
a mother and daughter
together, and look what happens.
Carol calls me a meddler,
Walter says that
I'm interfering,
Arthur runs off with Linda,
and Jane, my best
friend in the whole world,
is so angry she
won't even look at me.
My whole life could be
sponsored by Procter & Gamble.
I wish it was. I
could turn it off.
What are you doing?
I'm hiding Jane's mink coat
so that she can't go to Chicago
and ruin her life.
Oh, Florida, it's terrible.
Every time I come near
her, she looks the other way.
She's furious because
Arthur and Linda
never did get back
for dinner last night.
I kind of figured that
when you offered me
beef stroganoff for breakfast.
Oh, where is everybody?
You send out a call for help
and the whole world ignores you.
Mother, I'm here.
Are you all right?
I left the office as
soon as you called...
Hello, darling.
Mother, you said when you phoned
you drank a bottle of
shampoo by mistake
and were writhing in
pain on the bathroom floor.
I did, dear, but the shampoo
turned out to be cream soda,
and the pain was gas.
Oh, honey, the important
thing is that you're here.
You had me worried. Why did
you tell me you drank shampoo?
Be reasonable, Carol. Would
you have come if I told you
I drank cream soda? [SIGHS]
Maude, how bad is it?
Aw, don't worry about it,
Walter. It was just cream soda.
The basement's
flooded with cream soda?
Walter, never mind
that. Never mind that.
The important thing
is you're both here.
Maude, do you realize you
took me away from the store?
You took me away
from the office.
Look, Jane is in trouble,
and she needs our help.
Maude.
Well, I think Jane is leaving.
If that is Jane.
Jane?
Yoo-hoo, Jane.
That's her, all right.
What's the matter, Jane?
Got a pain in the neck?
Yes, and you're married to it.
Don't pounce, Walter.
Jane, darling, now,
come on. That's so unfair.
The hell it is, and
don't you "darling" me.
Look, Jane.
Jane.
Oh, come on, now.
Jane, this is ridiculous.
You can't go through
life not looking at me.
Why not? There are 900
million people in China
who never look at
you, and they get by.
Jane, let's be honest. How
many of them really get by?
Two, maybe three dozen.
Oh, Jane, Jane.
All right, I lied to
you last night. Jane.
All right, Jane, I won't
look at you either.
And I lied again.
And I'm leaving.
Oh, Jane.
Where's my coat? I hid it.
All right, then I'll
leave without it.
Jane, be reasonable.
Nobody goes to Chicago
without a mink coat.
Damn, Maude.
Why can't you mind
your own business?
Funny how everybody eventually
gets around to that question.
Thank you for that, Walter.
Maude! Oh, Maude.
Maude, are you...?
A-are you all right?
If it isn't Mr. Last
Tango in Paris.
What is this? My
answering service said
you had a broken leg.
Yeah, I did, but it went away.
I took a couple of Midol.
Maude, you got me
here on false pretenses.
Look, Arthur, don't you
think you should tell Jane
what happened last night?
How you couldn't
get Linda's car started,
so you sent her home in a cab?
And then, standing there
waiting for the tow truck,
how you slipped on the
ice and hurt your back
so that you went right home,
took a hot tub, and
then went to bed?
I really think you should
have a doctor look at that eye.
Actually, uh, I drove Linda home
and had a few drinks
at her apartment.
Uh, "pad," as she
calls it. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
That's quite a little girl
you've got there, Jane.
It's quite a pad.
Burning incense,
cushions all over the place,
half a dozen cats, maybe more.
Ever try counting cats when
you've had too much vino?
[CHUCKLES]
Maude, how much more
of this do I have to take?
Now, I'm calling a cab.
Ooh, Arthur, "tact"... T-A-C-T.
Is the only four-letter word
that doesn't describe you.
Maude, where is my coat?
All right, I'll get
it. It's in the closet.
But, Jane, you are not leaving
until you've heard the whole story.
Listen, Walter,
do you get the impression
that I'm being insulted?
Arthur, cool it. Go
squat in a neutral corner.
I don't like your
attitude, Walter.
[ALL CLAMORING]
Will you please...? Now, look,
We're not all here yet.
There is one person missing.
But any minute now...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Ah, the doorbell.
That's the answer.
Now, look, behind that
door is the missing person.
Behind this door is the
reason we are all gathered here.
Will you come in, please?
United Parcel.
Why can't you mind
your own business?
Jane, what...?
What are you doing?
I intend to wait
outside for my taxi.
Oh, Jane, please...
Give this a chance
to work, I beg of you.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, Mother.
Linda, what are you doing here?
I'm hugging you, Mother.
Maude called me and said you
decided to give me my money.
Let me tell you
something, sweetheart.
Yes, Mother?
Maude lied.
Ooh! Oh, now, look, Linda.
Before you fly off the handle,
do you know how difficult it is
to get a group of people like
this together during the day?
Do you think it's easy for me...
I've had just about enough...
[ALL CLAMORING]
Quiet! Quiet,
everybody. Order, order.
Now, that's right. Please,
everybody, sit down.
For crying out loud, Maude.
I coulda been at the store.
I coulda sold a
couple of washer...
Walter!
Sit.
All right, now.
Linda.
Jane. Carol.
Arthur. Walter.
Let me explain.
Don't tell me, Maude.
It's a Tupperware party.
God'll get you for that one.
Now, look, there is still a very
thin thread of a relationship
that I have with all of you.
Please, for the sake of that
thread, give me five minutes.
I mean, you're all... You're
all dear friends and family,
and who amongst
us is so without guilt
that he could cast
the first stone?
Well, I... Shut up.
You're probably the
guiltiest one here.
Now, look, I know that
you're all a little miffed at me,
but let's examine my motive
for a minute. I mean, I...
I invite my dearest friend
in the world, a widow,
to come to visit me.
I try to seek a little
companionship for her
with a licensed M.D., a
surgeon, from next door.
I try to reunite her with her
own flesh and blood daughter
when they haven't spoken to
each other in over eight years.
Is there a crime in this?
[LAUGHING] I mean, if
anybody can see a crime in this,
please raise your hands.
That many.
Well, I-I... I
refuse to believe it.
I-I-I refuse to believe it.
I may be old-fashioned, but I
believe that love conquers all.
Now, look, with all the
hostility in this room,
all we need is one
person, just one person,
to say something nice
about somebody else.
Linda, the Bible says:
And a little child shall lead.
So you begin.
Say something nice
about your dear mother.
♪ M is for the money
Mommy owes me ♪
Stop that!
Linda, your mother loves you.
If she loved me, she'd
give me my $25,000.
Not the $25,000 that your
father sweated blood for.
Oh, Carol, if I only
had a daughter like you.
If you had, you'd be hearing
from my lawyer. Linda's right.
Carol.
She is 26 years old, Mother.
Jane has no right
trying to control her life.
And to think that I gave
up martinis for six months
so I could breast-feed you.
[PHONE RINGING]
Don't move. Everybody stay
right here. I'll be right back.
Don't move.
Hello. Ye... What?
Oh, I'm sorry. I
can't talk to you now.
I said, I can't talk to you now.
All right, hold on. Jane...
Never mind. I've heard enough
from your pip-squeak daughter.
Oh, Carol, if only I
had a mother like you.
If only I had a
daughter like me.
Look, something tells me there's
no place for me in this argument.
Something tells me there
is no place for you, period.
Go on, Linda, follow
Arthur into the sunset,
and I hope you roast in it.
Arthur?
You thought I was
interested in Dr. Dolittle there?
Can you beat that, Carol?
Can you imagine me being
interested in a middle-aged man
who comes to my
apartment, sits on my floor,
has one glass of wine
and throws up on my cat?
Well, you didn't have
to tell everybody that.
Now, look, Arthur,
nobody is leaving
until we get this
straightened out.
Horsefeathers. I have
no time for this nonsense.
Do you realize a patient of mine
could be dying without my help?
I mean, uh... You
know what I mean.
See what you're doing, Mother?
Carol, where are you going?
Upstairs, to drink a
bottle of shampoo.
Walter, where are you
going? To the store!
But it's too late now.
The liquor store.
I need strength.
[HORN HONKING]
That's my taxi.
Goodbye, my darling.
Oh, Jane, please.
Goodbye, Mother dear.
Oh, listen. Don't
bother to write.
Just send money. Linda...
Maude, there is no law that
says a mother and daughter
have to love one another,
but there should
be one that says
they have to live
in separate cities.
Goodbye, and thanks for
straightening things out.
Oh, Jane, listen... Jane, wait.
Hello. I'm back.
What?
I'm listening.
I said I'm listening. Mother.
Wait a minute. Hold on a minute.
I'm sorry I got angry at you.
I thought about it.
What you tried to
do for Jane and Linda
was really a very sweet thing.
Thank you, Carol.
I can't tell you what
a daughter's love and
respect means to a mother.
Yeah. What?
What?
Oh, come on, now.
This is the last straw.
Well, from now on will you just
keep your opinions to
yourself and stop bugging me?!
Goodbye, Mother!
Mother, you're really something.
After all this, you still
think Linda and Jane
will get together.
Well, of course I do.
I mean, mothers and
daughters can fight,
but all through their
lives, Carol, they're...
They're attached to each other
with an unseen umbilical cord...
which makes it very difficult
going through a revolving door.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[♪♪♪]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪