Maude (1972–1978): Season 1, Episode 21 - The Perfect Marriage - full transcript
Maude and Walter think they have a perfect marriage until they start picking it apart and comparing themselves to others.
[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
[LOUD LAUGHTER]
[STEEL DRUM BANGING]
Everybody!
ALL: ♪ Matilda ♪
♪ Chicky-chicky Boom-boom ♪
ALL: ♪ Matilda ♪
♪ Chicky-chicky Boom-boom ♪
ALL: ♪ Matilda ♪
♪ She take me money
And run Venezuela ♪
Sing a little louder.
ALL [LOUDLY]: ♪ Matilda ♪
♪ Matilda ♪
♪ Chicky-chicky, boom-boom ♪
ALL: ♪ Matilda ♪
♪ She take me money
And run Venezuela ♪
[SOFTLY] Sing a little softer.
ALL [SOFTLY]: ♪ Matilda ♪
How about a limbo?
MAUDE: ♪ Matilda ♪
Whoa, limbo. Who's first?
♪ Matilda ♪
♪ She take me money
And run Venezuela ♪
My limbo!
VIVIAN: Okay, Chuck.
♪ Matilda ♪
♪ Chicky-chicky, boom-boom ♪
Ow!
ALL: ♪ She take me
money And run Venezuela ♪
Go, Maude.
Come on, now. If I
couldn't do it in Jamaica,
I certainly can't do it here.
Oh, no fair. That's cheating
Calypso Joe on island
say trim ship with big stacks
can't go under low bridge, mon.
CHUCK: Coward. Coward.
ALL: ♪ Matilda ♪
♪ She take me money ♪
♪ And she run Venezuela! ♪
Let's hear it for Calypso Joe!
[WHOOPS] Ooh!
Folks, folks. In answer
to thousands of requests,
I will once more present to you
my impersonation
of the one and only...
VIVIAN: Oh, no.
Harry Belafonte.
No, no. Just spare us, please.
♪ Da-a-a-ay-o ♪
CHUCK: No, please, stop, mon.
Stop. Stop.
♪ Day-ay-ay-ay-o ♪
Walter, we have all
seen your bellybutton.
Just put it away.
Yeah, after two weeks
in Jamaica, Walter,
I think I know your
navel as well as my own.
It's an in-sy, right?
Wrong, Walter's bellybutton
is definitely an out-sy. No.
Well, you can't both be right.
What is it? [VIVIAN CHUCKLES]
One more time. Come on.
All right, come on,
Flash. Let's see it.
Well, I'll be damned.
It's half in and half out.
Leave it to my Walter
to have a unique-sy.
Oh, boy. You know, I
think that this vacation
was the best one we
ever had. The very best.
The very best. How
many does this make
we've spent together now?
Is...? Is this four
or five? Uh, no.
Five, I think.
VIVIAN: Let's see.
Let's see. Our first year,
we went to Las Vegas.
Walter and I played
golf every day,
and you two hung
around the slot machines
and ya lost your shirts. Ah.
And then the next year,
we went to the Virgin Islands.
Well, we sure didn't
lose anything there.
Whoa, sing a little louder!
[DRUMMING]
And then, the following
year... Oh, we went to Hawaii.
Chuck, do you remember
when we went deep-sea fishing,
and you got so seasick? Ah, yes.
I can still see him
lying there Ugh.
On the deck of that
boat, moaning away.
Poor Chuck.
Me trying to get
you to go below.
And, Viv, when you
said, "Up, Chuck," he did.
[VIVIAN LAUGHING]
Oh, golly, we've had some
marvelous times together,
the four of us.
Yes, and that's the secret,
Maude, the four of us.
Because you and Chuck
are such a ball to be with.
Ah, no, Walter.
Well, no, it's
because we got lucky
when Maude finally
decided to marry you.
Right. Get outta here.
No, it's true. It's true.
We just couldn't make it
with those other three guys.
I mean, Albert, for example.
Oh, he was a first-class creep.
Albert? A creep?
Oh, come on, Chuck.
That's not fair.
He wasn't a
first-class anything.
[LAUGHING] Oh, my. [LAUGHING]
Well, anyhow, no matter how
much we all four love each other,
we two have gotta go home.
Oh, no, you don't.
We got to go home!
One last drink! Oh, Walter.
You kids fix the drinks,
and I'll get us some food.
I think I have some salami
and cheese in the fridge.
Will ya help? Maude,
Walter, no, really.
We gotta go.
Come on. We got...
Oh, I give up. [LAUGHS]
Boy, they really are
too much, aren't they?
Aren't they the greatest?
No, I'll tell you who's
really too much.
You. [SCOFFS]
Viv, what are you talking about?
Little old me? Yeah.
No, I'm just an
ordinary guy with...
very superior
intelligence, supreme wit,
great legs,
and if I do have one
fault, which I don't,
it's a highly developed
sense of modesty.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
No, it's you, Viv. Oh.
You're the real one.
You always have been.
Who are you kidding?
You're the Rock of Gibraltar.
Uh... Take our wedding night.
What would I have
done without you?
Well, very little, I hope.
I mean it. Mean it.
Your sensitivity,
your understanding.
You know, I think in this
whole cockeyed world
you're the only real
grownup I've ever known.
Viv. Oh,
will you just listen
to us, in our situation,
praising each other to the sky?
And loving each
other to the limit.
And I do love you, Chuck.
Oh, and I love you, Viv.
When do ya think we
oughta tell Maude and Walter
we're getting a divorce?
Well, uh, what about right now?
It'll give us something
to talk about.
I wonder how they'll take it.
Oh, Viv, don't worry.
They'll love it.
I mean, you know,
the maturity of it all.
The... The civilized
notion of two people
who still respect
and love one another
separating for good.
Because they've simply had it.
Up to here.
No, Walter and Maude will
be the first to understand, Viv.
I mean, they're...
You know, they're...
They're 20th-century people.
They're just like us, heh.
Mm. Hey, you guys,
uh, come on out.
We're getting sort
of lonely out here.
Did you hear that?
They're getting lonely.
Some chance with
those lovebirds.
We'll be right out, guys.
Walter's attacking me on
the portable dishwasher.
[PLAYFULLY] Hey.
Later, when the
dishes are dirty.
Oh, Walter, I'm so
happy. You know?
And I think so much of it
has to do with Viv and Chuck.
I don't know. There's a kind
of joy that emanates from them.
Oh, how I used to envy
them before I met you.
You know, every time I
got married, I used to say:
"Oh, please, please, this time
make it the perfect marriage
just like Viv and Chuck's."
And I must have meant it
because I said it four times.
But I finally
made it... with you.
Let's face it, Maude.
Chester, Barney and Albert
just had the wrong
kind of bellybutton.
Hm, they were all outsies.
Okay, fellas, like I always say,
a salami a day keeps
the doctor away.
Keeps everybody away.
Which reminds me,
I oughta call Arthur
and tell him we're back.
Walter, don't you dare.
Come on, we've only been
home for about 20 minutes.
What we really should be
doing is trying to figure out
where we're gonna
spend our next vacation.
How about Red
China? I understand
Kissinger found a good
German restaurant there.
Red China's out. I
hate German food.
Uh, how about you
guys? Any suggestions?
Well, maybe we
oughta wait a while.
I mean, sure, we don't
have to decide right now.
Hey, wait a minute.
You two wouldn't
be trying to tell us
that you're looking
for another couple?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No chance, Maude.
It's nothing like that.
Um, but we do have
something we want to tell you.
Something you wanna...?
Walter, they have something
they wanna tell
us. I got it. I got it.
I can tell by that happy
look in your eye, Chuck.
You're gonna trade in your
old jalopy for a new one.
[FLATLY] Well,
that's one way to put it.
No, no, no, Walter.
It's, uh... It's not a new car.
It's a new boat.
No. No, no. Listen now.
Uh, listen to me.
We... We finally
decided... [CHUCKLES]
after 21 years of marriage...
Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no.
[TEARFULLY] Oh, kids. Oh, Viv,
oh, Chuck, you're adopting a baby.
Oh.
Isn't this wonderful?
Can you imagine a child
growing up in a happier home?
Maude, it's not a baby.
Hey, is it bigger
than a breadbox?
No, Walter.
Uh, smaller than a dump truck?
No, no, no, no.
Is it a service? CHUCK: No.
Uh, something
Walter and I could do?
Together. No... Wait a minute.
Look.
Vivian and I... are
getting a divorce.
Yeah, uh, maybe it's
animal, vegetable or mineral.
Uh, is it...? Is it a rutabaga?
We're getting a divorce.
Oh, come on, Viv.
Give me a little hint.
I said, we're getting a divorce.
I heard that. I'd
rather have the hint.
Come on, everybody.
♪ Matilda ♪
♪ Chicky-chicky Boom-boom ♪
♪ Matilda... ♪
Maude, we're splitting up.
That's right, Maude.
Maude, I think he means it.
Oh, come on,
Walter. That's Chuck.
That's the same practical joker
who signed the hotel register
Warren G. Harding and sister.
Come on, fellas, I've know
you... VIVIAN: Maude, Maude.
Viv, you can talk till
you're blue in the face.
I mean, I can't believe
it. I know you too well.
Look, I bet... I bet
everything I own, my...
My house, my bank account,
my antique sideboard.
Everything I own.
And I'd lose my
assets, wouldn't I?
Maude, it's not the
end of the world.
It is to me, Viv.
[TEARFULLY] Viv, how
could you do this to me?
Oh, Maude, now, come on.
Look on the bright side.
Now, listen. Viv and I had
our very last vacation
together with you and Walter.
Now, the memory
of that is something
that's gonna be with us
for the rest of our lives.
You know, the thing
that I don't understand is,
when did you decide?
We had adjoining
rooms in Jamaica.
You seemed so happy.
Happy? You know, the
walls were paper-thin.
We heard them.
They were delirious.
Kids, couldn't you
just wait a week?
I mean, until the
slides are developed?
When you see how happy
you were in Kodachrome,
you'll really change your mind.
No, no. I mean, we...
We've thought the
whole thing through.
Now, look, don't get the idea
that Viv and I don't still dig
each other as human beings.
We do. It's just that we simply
cannot make it together anymore.
That's why, in Jamaica we
never let you out of our sight.
We spent every minute
with you and Walter
because when we're
alone together anymore,
we just can't stand each other.
Can we, darling?
Absolutely not.
I mean, we just bore
each other to death.
I mean, it's been going
on for years but we...
Well, we just now
seemed to notice it.
VIVIAN: I guess we
were the last to know.
No, I was the last to know.
CHUCK: Aw, Maude, honey.
Now, come on, cheer up.
Now, good night, baby.
Good night, Walter.
Good night, Chuck.
Good night, Walter. Viv.
I mean, it's...
I-it's just so ironic.
I mean, Walter and
I have always said
that of all the couples we know,
yours is the perfect marriage.
Is that funny?
That is exactly what
we've always said
about you and Walter.
The perfect marriage.
Talk to ya soon.
Yeah, bye-bye.
I... I don't understand it.
I mean, how could
that marriage fall apart?
It was made in heaven.
Well, maybe it should've
been made in Japan
like everything else.
Walter, please don't be funny
when the whole world is
crashing around our ears.
Maude, it's not that I'm
not sorry for Viv and Chuck,
but, you know, what
can anybody do about it?
Look, Walter, our
best friends tell us
that after 21 years of marriage,
they are getting a divorce.
I mean, how can
you not be shocked?
Maude... I'm gonna
tell ya something.
You never know about marriage.
Marriage is like a
new pair of shoes.
A new pair of shoes, Walter?
On the outside, they
may look beautiful,
but only the one who wears them
knows how much
they hurt his feet.
Wow.
Boy, what insight.
No, I mean it. Don't be modest.
[ANGRILY] How can you
compare a broken marriage
to a pair of tight Hush Puppies?
Okay, Maude,
it's after midnight.
We had a long trip, and
I got a big day tomorrow.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Listen, I-I shouldn't
even be talking about it,
but Viv and Chuck are gone now,
and Phillip and Carol
are away for the weekend.
Walter, do you enjoy
being alone with me?
Of course I do.
Then how come the whole
time we were in Jamaica,
we didn't let Chuck and Viv
out of our sight for a minute?
We? Maude, they never
let us out of their sight.
Don't change the subject.
I obviously bore you.
You don't bore me. No?
Then how come five
minutes after we got back,
you tried to call
Arthur on the phone?
Arthur! Holy mackerel,
thanks for reminding me.
Hope it's not too late. Walter!
I mean, why can't you
bear to be alone with me?
I love being alone with you.
Then how come we didn't
have five minutes together
the whole time we were
on what turned out to be
the most rotten
vacation I've ever had?
Rotten?
Maude, you loved that vacation.
Only because I
didn't know any better.
We get home and the first
thing you do is call Arthur.
I am worried, Walter.
About Arthur and me?
About you and me, Walter.
About our marriage.
Maude, I love you.
Chuck and Vivian
love each other,
and they're getting a divorce.
Walter, doesn't that worry you?
Do you think it would
help our marriage
if we hated each other?
I'm willing to give it a try.
Oh, honey, it's just that...
I don't wanna be a
47-year-old swinging single.
Maude, I know
what your problem is.
You're frightened.
You can't bear the
thought of another divorce.
But there's not gonna be one.
I'm not Chester. I'm not
Barney. I'm not Albert.
I'm Walter,
the last of your red-hot lovers.
Oh, Walter.
Walter, why don't we ever spend
any time alone together?
Maude.
We don't, Walter. We don't.
We have spent every single
vacation with Chuck and Viv.
We came home tonight.
They wanted to leave.
We insisted that
they stay for a snack.
Every time we go to the
movies, we ask another couple.
When we're out to dinner,
there are always
other people around.
I mean, it's exactly
the same situation
as Chuck's and Viv's, isn't it?
No, it is not the
same, and that's that.
Look, I can't analyze
everything we do.
All I know is how I feel.
And how do you feel, Walter?
Sleepy. Good night, Maude.
That's right. Bury your
head in the sand, Walter.
Run away from your problems.
Maude, we have no problem!
Then why are you yelling at me?
This is a stupid, petty
argument, and it's beneath us.
So now the things that
matter to me are beneath us.
I'm very sorry, Walter.
What are you doing? What...?
Getting ready to
go into the kitchen.
I'm gonna wash the dishes.
Maude, it's after
midnight. This is crazy.
Look, you know I
cannot go to sleep
with a house full
of dirty dishes.
All night long, I hear
the plaintive voices
of little cups and
saucers saying:
"Wash me. Wash me."
That's because
you're compulsive.
[ANGRILY] Now I am compulsive?
No wonder you always
say I'm beneath you.
Maude, don't twist my words.
I have never... But never!
Felt you beneath me.
You have never
felt me beneath you?
Twisting my words again.
How come you understand
when the dishes talk to you,
but you don't understand me?
After four years of marriage,
I finally find out how
little I satisfy you.
That's not what I said.
And for crying out loud,
would ya forget
those damn dishes?
Oh, now the dishes bother you.
I am very sorry, Walter Findlay.
I cannot stand a messy kitchen.
And I can't stand a
messy kitchen neither!
Let me have that!
So much for the messy kitchen.
You wanna try for
the messy bathroom?
All those wet pantyhose
hanging over the
shower curtain, huh?
Little pieces of Kleenex that
you use to blot your lipstick
lying in the bowl,
smiling up at me.
Hair curlers all over the place,
especially whenever I sit down.
You must despise me.
Maude.
[TEARFULLY] I mean, suddenly,
everything's coming out.
All the little things you
can't stand about me.
[SOBBING] How come that suddenly
you start complaining about my pantyhose?
[CRYING] Maude,
all the things I
said were trivial.
They fade into nothing
when I think of how
much I love you.
Because I love you, Maude.
I love you more today
than I did yesterday.
Yes.
And less than I will tomorrow.
[SOBBING] Oh, oh, darling.
Oh, Walter, you're
so sweet and poetic.
If Shakespeare had known you,
he never would have
written Romeo and Juliet.
[ANGRILY] He would have
written The Valachi Papers!
What is this?
Everything's coming out.
You have all these things
you can't stand about me.
Look, why don't
we purge ourselves?
Maybe if I dig deep enough,
there are some things
about you I don't like either.
I'll tell you what.
Let's write it all down on paper
the way they do
in group therapy.
You want group therapy,
be your own group.
I'm going to bed.
Look, Walter, please...
Maude, please, I'm tired.
There's always tomorrow.
No, there isn't.
That's what I used to
think about Chuck and Viv,
but there is no
tomorrow for them.
Please, darling. Look,
here. Here we go.
Now, look, sweetheart, just
sit down here. Right here.
Here's a piece of paper.
Here's a pencil.
You just write
down all the things
that you can't stand about me.
I'll sit here and
write down the things
I can't stand about you.
The first thing I can't stand
is to write things down.
Write it down.
Now, honey, trust me.
I mean, this is important.
I mean, even if it's
only a couple of things.
[ANGRILY] You could at
least wait! We begin together!
Sure, sure.
Okay, ready?
Go. Okay.
Ah-ha-ha, oh.
Ee-ee-ee.
Whoa-oa-oa. Oh.
Look, if you have so much
to complain about, here,
write with both hands.
Two hands and three pencils?
What'll I do with the third one?
Which reminds me.
Whoa. Oh, come on, now.
Enough is enough!
Walter, you can't have
that much to complain about.
We've only been
married for four years.
What are you doing? I
wanna see the paper.
No, you were
absolutely right, Maude.
I got a lot of
things off my chest,
and I feel much better.
Let's go to bed. Bed...?
Wh...? Why go to bed?
Listen, Walter,
th-that's no way to
solve these problems.
This problem cannot
be solved horizontally.
This is a vertical
issue, Walter.
Now, look, I am
not coming to bed,
so don't wait up for me.
I am not coming to bed.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna sleep in the den.
I couldn't convince you that
we have a good marriage.
You've begun to convince
me that we got a bad one.
Oh, Walter, don't
say that, darling.
Don't that say that. Walter.
Maude, just think of
it as a trial separation.
Nighty-night.
[LOCK CLICKS]
Walt...
Walter, come out of there.
I mean... Walter,
show... Uh, you...
You didn't show me
the piece of paper.
I agreed to write
things down, Maude.
I didn't agree to
show them to you.
Good night, Maude.
But, Walter, I...
Honey, that was the whole idea.
I mean, if I... If
you don't show me,
how can I change?
Walter, I asked you a question.
Walter...?
Oh, now you're not
talking to me, is that it?
Listen, Walter.
Walter, come out of there.
Walter, if you won't come
out, at least open the door.
Okay, if that's the way
you want things, Walter,
I'm going upstairs.
Good night.
Walter, I'm back.
Oh, darling, please, forgive me.
Sweetheart, I didn't
mean it. Plea...
Walter, are you there?
Walter, you didn't go
out the window, did you?
Uh, look, sweetheart, I'll
tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna read to you what
I wrote on my piece of paper.
I mean, it's... It's...
It's... It's trivial.
There's only one thing.
I mean, it's... It's
nothing, darling.
It's just that, um,
sometimes after you
eat cottage cheese,
and you talk,
I see little white specks
between your teeth.
But, sweetheart, I
can live with them.
Please, darling, now,
tell me, sweetheart,
sweetheart, love,
what did you write
about me, Walter?
Walter?
[ANGRILY] Walter, what
did you write about me?!
Oh, I'm sorry,
dear. I didn't see it.
"I love you, Maude.
"I love you.
[TEARFULLY] "I love you.
"I love you.
"I love you. I love you.
"I love you.
[NORMAL VOICE]
So get off my back."
[TEARFULLY] Oh, Walter.
Oh, darling, this
is the loveliest letter
you ever wrote me.
Sweetheart, I love you, Walter.
Please, come out, sweetheart.
♪ Da-a-a-a-ay-o! ♪
♪ Day-ay-ay-ay-o! ♪
[CHUCKLING] Walter, Walter,
Oh, God is gonna
get ya for this.
Oh.
[RATTLING]
♪ Matilda ♪
♪ Chicky-chicky Boom-boom ♪
♪ Matilda ♪
♪ Chicky-chicky Boom-boom ♪
ALL: ♪ Matilda ♪
♪ She take me money
And run Venezuela ♪
[SOFTLY] Sing a little softer.
ALL [SOFTLY]: ♪ Matilda ♪
♪ Chicky-chicky Boom-boom ♪
♪ Matilda ♪
♪ Chicky-chicky Boom-boom ♪
♪ Matilda ♪
♪ She take me money
And run Venezuela ♪
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR, MAN COUGHS]
Uh, Walter, look, I'm sorry.
Can I come in? Chuck, come in.
Oh, thanks. Thanks.
[SIGHS]
Chuck, is anything the matter?
Oh. I tell ya, Maude.
I just can't stand it when
she sulks, you know?
When she sulks, something really
happens to me inside, you know?
I... I fume. I boil.
A-and that silly look
she gets on her face
when she starts to pout.
I tell you something. I
am not a violent man.
But when she gets like that,
I-I-I have this insane desire
to punch her in the mouth.
Knock out every other tooth.
I mean, she'd look
like a Steinway.
A-and the more she sulks,
you know, the angrier I get,
so I thought I'd... I'd just
better get out of the house
before I'd lost control
of myself, you know?
[GRUNTING]
I'm sorry.
I-I'm sorry. You
know, I got in the car,
and I just started
driving around...
Please...? Could...?
Could I sleep here?
Uh, well, sure, I... I
guess so. Well, yeah.
I mean, I-I wouldn't
be any trouble.
You know, I could
sleep in the den.
Uh, yeah, but you see,
there's only one problem.
And here it is.
Good night, Chuck.
Viv. What are you doing here?
Well, what are you doing here?
You know I can't stand
being along in the house.
Then why don't you
go stay at your mother's
like everybody else?
That shows how
much attention you pay.
My mother's been dead 11 years!
I know your mother
has been dead 11 years.
That's why I said,
why don't you go
stay at your mothers?
[GASPS] I'm not gonna stand up
here and argue in front of my friends!
CHUCK: Oh, since when
have you gotten so inhibited?
[DOOR CLOSES, VIVIAN &
CHUCK ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
Some fight. They sound like
they're gonna kill each other.
Isn't it wonderful?
You know, I think there's
still hope for the marriage.
They're beginning to
sound exactly like us.
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
[LOUD LAUGHTER]
[STEEL DRUM BANGING]
Everybody!
ALL: ♪ Matilda ♪
♪ Chicky-chicky Boom-boom ♪
ALL: ♪ Matilda ♪
♪ Chicky-chicky Boom-boom ♪
ALL: ♪ Matilda ♪
♪ She take me money
And run Venezuela ♪
Sing a little louder.
ALL [LOUDLY]: ♪ Matilda ♪
♪ Matilda ♪
♪ Chicky-chicky, boom-boom ♪
ALL: ♪ Matilda ♪
♪ She take me money
And run Venezuela ♪
[SOFTLY] Sing a little softer.
ALL [SOFTLY]: ♪ Matilda ♪
How about a limbo?
MAUDE: ♪ Matilda ♪
Whoa, limbo. Who's first?
♪ Matilda ♪
♪ She take me money
And run Venezuela ♪
My limbo!
VIVIAN: Okay, Chuck.
♪ Matilda ♪
♪ Chicky-chicky, boom-boom ♪
Ow!
ALL: ♪ She take me
money And run Venezuela ♪
Go, Maude.
Come on, now. If I
couldn't do it in Jamaica,
I certainly can't do it here.
Oh, no fair. That's cheating
Calypso Joe on island
say trim ship with big stacks
can't go under low bridge, mon.
CHUCK: Coward. Coward.
ALL: ♪ Matilda ♪
♪ She take me money ♪
♪ And she run Venezuela! ♪
Let's hear it for Calypso Joe!
[WHOOPS] Ooh!
Folks, folks. In answer
to thousands of requests,
I will once more present to you
my impersonation
of the one and only...
VIVIAN: Oh, no.
Harry Belafonte.
No, no. Just spare us, please.
♪ Da-a-a-ay-o ♪
CHUCK: No, please, stop, mon.
Stop. Stop.
♪ Day-ay-ay-ay-o ♪
Walter, we have all
seen your bellybutton.
Just put it away.
Yeah, after two weeks
in Jamaica, Walter,
I think I know your
navel as well as my own.
It's an in-sy, right?
Wrong, Walter's bellybutton
is definitely an out-sy. No.
Well, you can't both be right.
What is it? [VIVIAN CHUCKLES]
One more time. Come on.
All right, come on,
Flash. Let's see it.
Well, I'll be damned.
It's half in and half out.
Leave it to my Walter
to have a unique-sy.
Oh, boy. You know, I
think that this vacation
was the best one we
ever had. The very best.
The very best. How
many does this make
we've spent together now?
Is...? Is this four
or five? Uh, no.
Five, I think.
VIVIAN: Let's see.
Let's see. Our first year,
we went to Las Vegas.
Walter and I played
golf every day,
and you two hung
around the slot machines
and ya lost your shirts. Ah.
And then the next year,
we went to the Virgin Islands.
Well, we sure didn't
lose anything there.
Whoa, sing a little louder!
[DRUMMING]
And then, the following
year... Oh, we went to Hawaii.
Chuck, do you remember
when we went deep-sea fishing,
and you got so seasick? Ah, yes.
I can still see him
lying there Ugh.
On the deck of that
boat, moaning away.
Poor Chuck.
Me trying to get
you to go below.
And, Viv, when you
said, "Up, Chuck," he did.
[VIVIAN LAUGHING]
Oh, golly, we've had some
marvelous times together,
the four of us.
Yes, and that's the secret,
Maude, the four of us.
Because you and Chuck
are such a ball to be with.
Ah, no, Walter.
Well, no, it's
because we got lucky
when Maude finally
decided to marry you.
Right. Get outta here.
No, it's true. It's true.
We just couldn't make it
with those other three guys.
I mean, Albert, for example.
Oh, he was a first-class creep.
Albert? A creep?
Oh, come on, Chuck.
That's not fair.
He wasn't a
first-class anything.
[LAUGHING] Oh, my. [LAUGHING]
Well, anyhow, no matter how
much we all four love each other,
we two have gotta go home.
Oh, no, you don't.
We got to go home!
One last drink! Oh, Walter.
You kids fix the drinks,
and I'll get us some food.
I think I have some salami
and cheese in the fridge.
Will ya help? Maude,
Walter, no, really.
We gotta go.
Come on. We got...
Oh, I give up. [LAUGHS]
Boy, they really are
too much, aren't they?
Aren't they the greatest?
No, I'll tell you who's
really too much.
You. [SCOFFS]
Viv, what are you talking about?
Little old me? Yeah.
No, I'm just an
ordinary guy with...
very superior
intelligence, supreme wit,
great legs,
and if I do have one
fault, which I don't,
it's a highly developed
sense of modesty.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
No, it's you, Viv. Oh.
You're the real one.
You always have been.
Who are you kidding?
You're the Rock of Gibraltar.
Uh... Take our wedding night.
What would I have
done without you?
Well, very little, I hope.
I mean it. Mean it.
Your sensitivity,
your understanding.
You know, I think in this
whole cockeyed world
you're the only real
grownup I've ever known.
Viv. Oh,
will you just listen
to us, in our situation,
praising each other to the sky?
And loving each
other to the limit.
And I do love you, Chuck.
Oh, and I love you, Viv.
When do ya think we
oughta tell Maude and Walter
we're getting a divorce?
Well, uh, what about right now?
It'll give us something
to talk about.
I wonder how they'll take it.
Oh, Viv, don't worry.
They'll love it.
I mean, you know,
the maturity of it all.
The... The civilized
notion of two people
who still respect
and love one another
separating for good.
Because they've simply had it.
Up to here.
No, Walter and Maude will
be the first to understand, Viv.
I mean, they're...
You know, they're...
They're 20th-century people.
They're just like us, heh.
Mm. Hey, you guys,
uh, come on out.
We're getting sort
of lonely out here.
Did you hear that?
They're getting lonely.
Some chance with
those lovebirds.
We'll be right out, guys.
Walter's attacking me on
the portable dishwasher.
[PLAYFULLY] Hey.
Later, when the
dishes are dirty.
Oh, Walter, I'm so
happy. You know?
And I think so much of it
has to do with Viv and Chuck.
I don't know. There's a kind
of joy that emanates from them.
Oh, how I used to envy
them before I met you.
You know, every time I
got married, I used to say:
"Oh, please, please, this time
make it the perfect marriage
just like Viv and Chuck's."
And I must have meant it
because I said it four times.
But I finally
made it... with you.
Let's face it, Maude.
Chester, Barney and Albert
just had the wrong
kind of bellybutton.
Hm, they were all outsies.
Okay, fellas, like I always say,
a salami a day keeps
the doctor away.
Keeps everybody away.
Which reminds me,
I oughta call Arthur
and tell him we're back.
Walter, don't you dare.
Come on, we've only been
home for about 20 minutes.
What we really should be
doing is trying to figure out
where we're gonna
spend our next vacation.
How about Red
China? I understand
Kissinger found a good
German restaurant there.
Red China's out. I
hate German food.
Uh, how about you
guys? Any suggestions?
Well, maybe we
oughta wait a while.
I mean, sure, we don't
have to decide right now.
Hey, wait a minute.
You two wouldn't
be trying to tell us
that you're looking
for another couple?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No chance, Maude.
It's nothing like that.
Um, but we do have
something we want to tell you.
Something you wanna...?
Walter, they have something
they wanna tell
us. I got it. I got it.
I can tell by that happy
look in your eye, Chuck.
You're gonna trade in your
old jalopy for a new one.
[FLATLY] Well,
that's one way to put it.
No, no, no, Walter.
It's, uh... It's not a new car.
It's a new boat.
No. No, no. Listen now.
Uh, listen to me.
We... We finally
decided... [CHUCKLES]
after 21 years of marriage...
Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no.
[TEARFULLY] Oh, kids. Oh, Viv,
oh, Chuck, you're adopting a baby.
Oh.
Isn't this wonderful?
Can you imagine a child
growing up in a happier home?
Maude, it's not a baby.
Hey, is it bigger
than a breadbox?
No, Walter.
Uh, smaller than a dump truck?
No, no, no, no.
Is it a service? CHUCK: No.
Uh, something
Walter and I could do?
Together. No... Wait a minute.
Look.
Vivian and I... are
getting a divorce.
Yeah, uh, maybe it's
animal, vegetable or mineral.
Uh, is it...? Is it a rutabaga?
We're getting a divorce.
Oh, come on, Viv.
Give me a little hint.
I said, we're getting a divorce.
I heard that. I'd
rather have the hint.
Come on, everybody.
♪ Matilda ♪
♪ Chicky-chicky Boom-boom ♪
♪ Matilda... ♪
Maude, we're splitting up.
That's right, Maude.
Maude, I think he means it.
Oh, come on,
Walter. That's Chuck.
That's the same practical joker
who signed the hotel register
Warren G. Harding and sister.
Come on, fellas, I've know
you... VIVIAN: Maude, Maude.
Viv, you can talk till
you're blue in the face.
I mean, I can't believe
it. I know you too well.
Look, I bet... I bet
everything I own, my...
My house, my bank account,
my antique sideboard.
Everything I own.
And I'd lose my
assets, wouldn't I?
Maude, it's not the
end of the world.
It is to me, Viv.
[TEARFULLY] Viv, how
could you do this to me?
Oh, Maude, now, come on.
Look on the bright side.
Now, listen. Viv and I had
our very last vacation
together with you and Walter.
Now, the memory
of that is something
that's gonna be with us
for the rest of our lives.
You know, the thing
that I don't understand is,
when did you decide?
We had adjoining
rooms in Jamaica.
You seemed so happy.
Happy? You know, the
walls were paper-thin.
We heard them.
They were delirious.
Kids, couldn't you
just wait a week?
I mean, until the
slides are developed?
When you see how happy
you were in Kodachrome,
you'll really change your mind.
No, no. I mean, we...
We've thought the
whole thing through.
Now, look, don't get the idea
that Viv and I don't still dig
each other as human beings.
We do. It's just that we simply
cannot make it together anymore.
That's why, in Jamaica we
never let you out of our sight.
We spent every minute
with you and Walter
because when we're
alone together anymore,
we just can't stand each other.
Can we, darling?
Absolutely not.
I mean, we just bore
each other to death.
I mean, it's been going
on for years but we...
Well, we just now
seemed to notice it.
VIVIAN: I guess we
were the last to know.
No, I was the last to know.
CHUCK: Aw, Maude, honey.
Now, come on, cheer up.
Now, good night, baby.
Good night, Walter.
Good night, Chuck.
Good night, Walter. Viv.
I mean, it's...
I-it's just so ironic.
I mean, Walter and
I have always said
that of all the couples we know,
yours is the perfect marriage.
Is that funny?
That is exactly what
we've always said
about you and Walter.
The perfect marriage.
Talk to ya soon.
Yeah, bye-bye.
I... I don't understand it.
I mean, how could
that marriage fall apart?
It was made in heaven.
Well, maybe it should've
been made in Japan
like everything else.
Walter, please don't be funny
when the whole world is
crashing around our ears.
Maude, it's not that I'm
not sorry for Viv and Chuck,
but, you know, what
can anybody do about it?
Look, Walter, our
best friends tell us
that after 21 years of marriage,
they are getting a divorce.
I mean, how can
you not be shocked?
Maude... I'm gonna
tell ya something.
You never know about marriage.
Marriage is like a
new pair of shoes.
A new pair of shoes, Walter?
On the outside, they
may look beautiful,
but only the one who wears them
knows how much
they hurt his feet.
Wow.
Boy, what insight.
No, I mean it. Don't be modest.
[ANGRILY] How can you
compare a broken marriage
to a pair of tight Hush Puppies?
Okay, Maude,
it's after midnight.
We had a long trip, and
I got a big day tomorrow.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Listen, I-I shouldn't
even be talking about it,
but Viv and Chuck are gone now,
and Phillip and Carol
are away for the weekend.
Walter, do you enjoy
being alone with me?
Of course I do.
Then how come the whole
time we were in Jamaica,
we didn't let Chuck and Viv
out of our sight for a minute?
We? Maude, they never
let us out of their sight.
Don't change the subject.
I obviously bore you.
You don't bore me. No?
Then how come five
minutes after we got back,
you tried to call
Arthur on the phone?
Arthur! Holy mackerel,
thanks for reminding me.
Hope it's not too late. Walter!
I mean, why can't you
bear to be alone with me?
I love being alone with you.
Then how come we didn't
have five minutes together
the whole time we were
on what turned out to be
the most rotten
vacation I've ever had?
Rotten?
Maude, you loved that vacation.
Only because I
didn't know any better.
We get home and the first
thing you do is call Arthur.
I am worried, Walter.
About Arthur and me?
About you and me, Walter.
About our marriage.
Maude, I love you.
Chuck and Vivian
love each other,
and they're getting a divorce.
Walter, doesn't that worry you?
Do you think it would
help our marriage
if we hated each other?
I'm willing to give it a try.
Oh, honey, it's just that...
I don't wanna be a
47-year-old swinging single.
Maude, I know
what your problem is.
You're frightened.
You can't bear the
thought of another divorce.
But there's not gonna be one.
I'm not Chester. I'm not
Barney. I'm not Albert.
I'm Walter,
the last of your red-hot lovers.
Oh, Walter.
Walter, why don't we ever spend
any time alone together?
Maude.
We don't, Walter. We don't.
We have spent every single
vacation with Chuck and Viv.
We came home tonight.
They wanted to leave.
We insisted that
they stay for a snack.
Every time we go to the
movies, we ask another couple.
When we're out to dinner,
there are always
other people around.
I mean, it's exactly
the same situation
as Chuck's and Viv's, isn't it?
No, it is not the
same, and that's that.
Look, I can't analyze
everything we do.
All I know is how I feel.
And how do you feel, Walter?
Sleepy. Good night, Maude.
That's right. Bury your
head in the sand, Walter.
Run away from your problems.
Maude, we have no problem!
Then why are you yelling at me?
This is a stupid, petty
argument, and it's beneath us.
So now the things that
matter to me are beneath us.
I'm very sorry, Walter.
What are you doing? What...?
Getting ready to
go into the kitchen.
I'm gonna wash the dishes.
Maude, it's after
midnight. This is crazy.
Look, you know I
cannot go to sleep
with a house full
of dirty dishes.
All night long, I hear
the plaintive voices
of little cups and
saucers saying:
"Wash me. Wash me."
That's because
you're compulsive.
[ANGRILY] Now I am compulsive?
No wonder you always
say I'm beneath you.
Maude, don't twist my words.
I have never... But never!
Felt you beneath me.
You have never
felt me beneath you?
Twisting my words again.
How come you understand
when the dishes talk to you,
but you don't understand me?
After four years of marriage,
I finally find out how
little I satisfy you.
That's not what I said.
And for crying out loud,
would ya forget
those damn dishes?
Oh, now the dishes bother you.
I am very sorry, Walter Findlay.
I cannot stand a messy kitchen.
And I can't stand a
messy kitchen neither!
Let me have that!
So much for the messy kitchen.
You wanna try for
the messy bathroom?
All those wet pantyhose
hanging over the
shower curtain, huh?
Little pieces of Kleenex that
you use to blot your lipstick
lying in the bowl,
smiling up at me.
Hair curlers all over the place,
especially whenever I sit down.
You must despise me.
Maude.
[TEARFULLY] I mean, suddenly,
everything's coming out.
All the little things you
can't stand about me.
[SOBBING] How come that suddenly
you start complaining about my pantyhose?
[CRYING] Maude,
all the things I
said were trivial.
They fade into nothing
when I think of how
much I love you.
Because I love you, Maude.
I love you more today
than I did yesterday.
Yes.
And less than I will tomorrow.
[SOBBING] Oh, oh, darling.
Oh, Walter, you're
so sweet and poetic.
If Shakespeare had known you,
he never would have
written Romeo and Juliet.
[ANGRILY] He would have
written The Valachi Papers!
What is this?
Everything's coming out.
You have all these things
you can't stand about me.
Look, why don't
we purge ourselves?
Maybe if I dig deep enough,
there are some things
about you I don't like either.
I'll tell you what.
Let's write it all down on paper
the way they do
in group therapy.
You want group therapy,
be your own group.
I'm going to bed.
Look, Walter, please...
Maude, please, I'm tired.
There's always tomorrow.
No, there isn't.
That's what I used to
think about Chuck and Viv,
but there is no
tomorrow for them.
Please, darling. Look,
here. Here we go.
Now, look, sweetheart, just
sit down here. Right here.
Here's a piece of paper.
Here's a pencil.
You just write
down all the things
that you can't stand about me.
I'll sit here and
write down the things
I can't stand about you.
The first thing I can't stand
is to write things down.
Write it down.
Now, honey, trust me.
I mean, this is important.
I mean, even if it's
only a couple of things.
[ANGRILY] You could at
least wait! We begin together!
Sure, sure.
Okay, ready?
Go. Okay.
Ah-ha-ha, oh.
Ee-ee-ee.
Whoa-oa-oa. Oh.
Look, if you have so much
to complain about, here,
write with both hands.
Two hands and three pencils?
What'll I do with the third one?
Which reminds me.
Whoa. Oh, come on, now.
Enough is enough!
Walter, you can't have
that much to complain about.
We've only been
married for four years.
What are you doing? I
wanna see the paper.
No, you were
absolutely right, Maude.
I got a lot of
things off my chest,
and I feel much better.
Let's go to bed. Bed...?
Wh...? Why go to bed?
Listen, Walter,
th-that's no way to
solve these problems.
This problem cannot
be solved horizontally.
This is a vertical
issue, Walter.
Now, look, I am
not coming to bed,
so don't wait up for me.
I am not coming to bed.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna sleep in the den.
I couldn't convince you that
we have a good marriage.
You've begun to convince
me that we got a bad one.
Oh, Walter, don't
say that, darling.
Don't that say that. Walter.
Maude, just think of
it as a trial separation.
Nighty-night.
[LOCK CLICKS]
Walt...
Walter, come out of there.
I mean... Walter,
show... Uh, you...
You didn't show me
the piece of paper.
I agreed to write
things down, Maude.
I didn't agree to
show them to you.
Good night, Maude.
But, Walter, I...
Honey, that was the whole idea.
I mean, if I... If
you don't show me,
how can I change?
Walter, I asked you a question.
Walter...?
Oh, now you're not
talking to me, is that it?
Listen, Walter.
Walter, come out of there.
Walter, if you won't come
out, at least open the door.
Okay, if that's the way
you want things, Walter,
I'm going upstairs.
Good night.
Walter, I'm back.
Oh, darling, please, forgive me.
Sweetheart, I didn't
mean it. Plea...
Walter, are you there?
Walter, you didn't go
out the window, did you?
Uh, look, sweetheart, I'll
tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna read to you what
I wrote on my piece of paper.
I mean, it's... It's...
It's... It's trivial.
There's only one thing.
I mean, it's... It's
nothing, darling.
It's just that, um,
sometimes after you
eat cottage cheese,
and you talk,
I see little white specks
between your teeth.
But, sweetheart, I
can live with them.
Please, darling, now,
tell me, sweetheart,
sweetheart, love,
what did you write
about me, Walter?
Walter?
[ANGRILY] Walter, what
did you write about me?!
Oh, I'm sorry,
dear. I didn't see it.
"I love you, Maude.
"I love you.
[TEARFULLY] "I love you.
"I love you.
"I love you. I love you.
"I love you.
[NORMAL VOICE]
So get off my back."
[TEARFULLY] Oh, Walter.
Oh, darling, this
is the loveliest letter
you ever wrote me.
Sweetheart, I love you, Walter.
Please, come out, sweetheart.
♪ Da-a-a-a-ay-o! ♪
♪ Day-ay-ay-ay-o! ♪
[CHUCKLING] Walter, Walter,
Oh, God is gonna
get ya for this.
Oh.
[RATTLING]
♪ Matilda ♪
♪ Chicky-chicky Boom-boom ♪
♪ Matilda ♪
♪ Chicky-chicky Boom-boom ♪
ALL: ♪ Matilda ♪
♪ She take me money
And run Venezuela ♪
[SOFTLY] Sing a little softer.
ALL [SOFTLY]: ♪ Matilda ♪
♪ Chicky-chicky Boom-boom ♪
♪ Matilda ♪
♪ Chicky-chicky Boom-boom ♪
♪ Matilda ♪
♪ She take me money
And run Venezuela ♪
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR, MAN COUGHS]
Uh, Walter, look, I'm sorry.
Can I come in? Chuck, come in.
Oh, thanks. Thanks.
[SIGHS]
Chuck, is anything the matter?
Oh. I tell ya, Maude.
I just can't stand it when
she sulks, you know?
When she sulks, something really
happens to me inside, you know?
I... I fume. I boil.
A-and that silly look
she gets on her face
when she starts to pout.
I tell you something. I
am not a violent man.
But when she gets like that,
I-I-I have this insane desire
to punch her in the mouth.
Knock out every other tooth.
I mean, she'd look
like a Steinway.
A-and the more she sulks,
you know, the angrier I get,
so I thought I'd... I'd just
better get out of the house
before I'd lost control
of myself, you know?
[GRUNTING]
I'm sorry.
I-I'm sorry. You
know, I got in the car,
and I just started
driving around...
Please...? Could...?
Could I sleep here?
Uh, well, sure, I... I
guess so. Well, yeah.
I mean, I-I wouldn't
be any trouble.
You know, I could
sleep in the den.
Uh, yeah, but you see,
there's only one problem.
And here it is.
Good night, Chuck.
Viv. What are you doing here?
Well, what are you doing here?
You know I can't stand
being along in the house.
Then why don't you
go stay at your mother's
like everybody else?
That shows how
much attention you pay.
My mother's been dead 11 years!
I know your mother
has been dead 11 years.
That's why I said,
why don't you go
stay at your mothers?
[GASPS] I'm not gonna stand up
here and argue in front of my friends!
CHUCK: Oh, since when
have you gotten so inhibited?
[DOOR CLOSES, VIVIAN &
CHUCK ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
Some fight. They sound like
they're gonna kill each other.
Isn't it wonderful?
You know, I think there's
still hope for the marriage.
They're beginning to
sound exactly like us.
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪