Maude (1972–1978): Season 1, Episode 19 - Walter's Secret - full transcript

[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]

♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪

♪ If the whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪

♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪



♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then There's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪

Ooh, I hate golf.

Clubs.

Tees.

[THUDS]



Hi, Mrs. Findlay.

How did your golf lesson go?

Marvelous. Just marvel...

Remember I told you
that the golf pro said

that he'd give me my money
back if he couldn't teach me

how to play golf? Yeah.

Today he not only
offered me my money back,

he threw in a 19-inch
color television set.

Really?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello. Findlay residence.

Yes, just a moment, please.

It's for you, Mrs. Findlay.

A Miss Harris from the
gas and electric company.

Not ag...

That woman has called me
every day for the past few weeks.

Tell her I'm not in.
No, I'll tell her myself.

Mrs. Harris, I'm not in.

Mrs. Harris, I have
paid my electric bill.

I have the canceled
check to prove it.

I don't care what your
dumb computer says.

What?

Well, let me put it to
you this way, Mrs. Harris.

If you do shut off my power,
you'll also be shutting off

my artificial heart, lung
and kidney machines.

My death will be on your head.

However, Mrs. Harris,
I do want you to know

that whatever choice you
make, I'll truly understand.

Have a lovely week, Mrs. Harris.

Honey, you're home
early. How lovely.

Is Carol home?

Walter... you call that a kiss?

I've seen guppies kiss
the inside of fish tanks

better than that.

I'm sorry, Maude.

That's much better.

That had all the
passion of a damp towel.

Where's Carol?

She ought to be home by now.

Sweetheart, how should I know?

I just got home myself.

Why this sudden
interest in Carol?

Nothing particular.

I missed her at breakfast.
And the whole day went by.

It usually does, Walter.

Well, so I just wondered
how she was, that's all.

Sweetheart, I'm sure she's fine.

It's you I'm worried about.

Walter, is there something
you wanna tell me?

No... not really.

Well, you usually have
more than this to say

when you come home.

That's true.

Then there's the old
adage, "A well-timed silence

often has more
eloquence than speech."

Oh, that's beautiful.

Next time I have an upset tummy,

I may ask you to repeat that.

It sure beats putting my
finger down my throat.

By the way, sweetheart,
Arthur's coming over

for dinner tonight.

Arthur!

Tonight? I mean, uh, how'd
you happen to invite him?

Oh, sweetheart, you know
how Arthur loves beef stroganoff.

Yeah? Tonight I'm
serving franks and beans.

Arthur, Arthur, Arthur...

Arthur, Arthur, Arthur.

Oh, hello, Arthur.
Listen quickly.

You and I went
bowling last night.

Now, it's very important
that you remember that.

Now, have you got that?

Good.

What?

Dummy, this is Walter.

I'm fine, I'm fine... Hi, Carol!

Remember, Arthur, bowling.
That's what I told Maude.

Hi, Carol.

Hi there.

Hello, Walter.

You know, this afternoon, I
spent two and a half hours

with a girlfriend,
trying to decide

whether or not you
should tell a louse

what you really think of him.

Oh? What'd you decide?

Walter, you're a louse.

Oh.

I'm gonna make
us a nice big martini.

I walked into the Holiday
Inn cocktail lounge

last night, Walter...

I'm gonna make
a martini for you,

and for me and for Maude,

who's in the kitchen right now.

I walked into the Holiday
Inn cocktail lounge

last night, Walter.

Who do you think I saw
there sitting at a dark table...

A cozy corner with a blond

who couldn't have been

more than half his age?

Who do you think it was, Walter?

It couldn't have been Arthur.

He was bowling
with me last night.

Oh. That's your story.

You were bowling
with Arthur last night.

Why not?!

Now, th... Th... Th...

There's lots of
guys with mustaches

who hang around
in cocktail lounges

with girls half their age.

Yes, but they
don't all turn pale

when they see me walk in.

Walter, the man I
saw let the blond

nibble the pimento
out of his olive,

just the way you used to do

when you were dating my mother.

Come on, Carol.

Do you know how many
men defer to women

when it comes to
pimentos and their olives?

Millions!

Walter, the cocktail
waitress is a friend of mine,

and this particular
pimento jockey

signed his check,
"Walter Findlay."

"Walter Findlay."

That is a coincidence.

Look, what you do, Walter,
is your own business.

But I think it is pretty
rotten. Oh, come on, Carol.

Don't worry, I
won't tell my mother.

I don't want her getting hurt.

There is an explanation.

Oh, please spare
me your explanations.

No, I cannot spare
you these explanations.

Save them for my mother.
I was waiting for you...

Well... good evening, Carol.

You two having
a nice little chat?

Okay. What gives with you two?

Nothing.

Nothing. Come on, Carol.

The atmosphere
in here is so chilly,

you could hang meat.

Go on, Maude, you heard Carol.

Nothing's wrong.

Walter, if you were a new puppy,

and I saw that
look on your face,

I'd be searching every
square inch of carpeting

in the house.

So don't you tell me that
there's nothing going on

between you two.

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mother, I'm late.

I have to pick Phillip
up at the Hendersons.

We're going to the movies.
Look, wait. Carol, wait.

Honey, I'm not gonna pry.

Look, if... If you and Walter

want to keep a secret from
me, it's perfectly all right.

Just as long as
I know what it is.

All right, Mother.

Why don't you
let Walter tell you?

Go ahead, Walter, tell her.

Start with the pimento.

Pimento?

Why is she talking about...

She's pregnant, isn't she?

No, Maude.

Oh, now, look, Walter,
something's the matter.

Was she in an
automobile accident?

She got fired.

She lost her tweezers.

Look...

Look, believe me,
nothing is wrong with Carol.

And listen to me.

I love you, and I'll
tell you everything

when the time comes.

All right?

All right.

Time's come, Walter.

Oh, not now. I wanna
shower before dinner.

Walter!

Walter, come back
he... Listen. Walter!

You might as well
make up your mind

you're going to tell me!

If not, in the middle
of your shower,

I'll flush the downstairs
john and scald you to death.

You two at it
again, Mrs. Findlay?

I tell you...

there are more
fights in this house

in one week than Joe
Louis had in his entire career.

Florida, if it's peace
and quiet you want,

go work for the
Partridge family.

I'll see you later, Mother.

Uh, Carol.

Um... Uh, listen, uh...

About that, uh, secret
between you and Walter.

You're off the hook.

What?

No... Uh, Walter told me.

I know the whole story.

Everything?

The whole rotten, sordid mess.

Well, that's good.

I'm glad it came from his lips.

Good night. Oh, Carol!

Wait a minute, dear.

Uh, sweetheart,
isn't there something

you'd like to add to it?

Like what?

Oh. I don't know. Like...
You know, anything.

Like, uh, from your
personal point of view.

Mother... I think it's wonderful

the way you're taking this.

Ah. These things
happen when a man

gets to be Walter's age.

Look... I'm sure
she was just a fling.

Wait!

What do you mean,
"She was just a fling"?

Do you realize what an
expression like that implies?

A woman would
think that her husband

was fooling around.

Do you mean to tell me
that Walter is fooling around?

Are you telling
me... You tricked me.

Walter never told you anything.

We're past that.

Now we're working on,
"She was only a fling."

Now, look, Carol, I know Walter.

He does not fling.

If there is anything he
does not do, it is fling.

Oh, all right, Mother.
He's definitely not a flinger.

All right, mother... Look.

Uh, maybe I was mistaken.

I... It was very dark in that
cocktail lounge last night,

and probably, possibly, it
wasn't Walter I saw at all.

Last night.

Honey, of course
it wasn't Walter.

Walter and Arthur
went bowling last night.

Walter told me so himself.

Whew. That was a closey.

[SIGHS]

Well, there. You see?
Uh... I was mistaken.

Look, the important thing is

you have nothing to worry about.

Good night. Good night, honey.

[SIGHS]

She's right. There's
nothing to worry about.

When I worry, I
always get this...

sinking feeling in
the pit of my stomach.

I wonder why I have
that sinking feeling

in the pit of my stomach.

I just broke the world's record
for quick showers, Maude.

Arthur's not here yet, huh?

Uh, no. Not yet.

Walter... Yes?

Um, you never did tell me.

How'd you do at
bowling last night?

Oh, gr... Great, great.

Uh, you wouldn't believe it.

I want to believe it, Walter.

How did you do at
bowling last night?

Oh. It was the
greatest night of my life.

I bowled 178, 172 and 207.

Oh, honey.

Oh, that's wonderful.

[CHUCKLES] Oh!

I didn't think you cared
that much about my bowling.

Oh, well, I do, Walter.

You have no idea how I do.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hi, kids.

Oh, sorry. I see I came
at a wrong moment.

It's all right, Arthur. Come in.

You know, I'm really jealous.

Well, I really am.

Look at Walter, the lucky duck.

He comes every
night to a loving wife

and a homemade meal.

Look at me. The old bachelor.

What do I come home to?

A loving wife and a
home-cooked meal.

You're over here
every night for dinner.

Have a carrot stick. Oh, thanks.

Hey. Who's this?

[CHEWS QUICKLY]

What's up, doc?

I'll do it again.

[CHEWS QUICKLY]

What's up, doc?

[LAUGHS]

That's my imitation
of Bugs Bunny.

Oh. Hilarious.

I'm really surprised
you haven't been

invited to entertain
at the White House.

It's not very good, huh?

I saw this English fellow, uh...

Terry-Thomas,

do it on The Dean
Martin Show last night.

He was absolutely hysterical.

See, he has this
slight overbite,

and he's got this
space between his teeth,

where he can
put the carrots in...

The Dean Martin
Show last night, Arthur?

Yeah, that's right.
Last night. I thought...

Arthur... Arthur, I... I thought
you said that you and Walter

went bowling last night.

Oh, oh, oh. I think maybe
it was two weeks ago

on The Carol Burnett Show.

Or was it 1943

on the Fibber McGee
and Molly show?

N... No. No, actually, it was
The Julie Andrews Show.

See, she's English,

so she always
has English guests.

I hate myself.

You'll have to stand in line

for that, Arthur.

Sweetheart, there's
an explanation for...

this whole thing.

I know there is.

I saw it on Love of Life.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, why didn't the world
stop with yesterday?

Yesterday was such a lovely day.

My cramps went
away and everything.

Maude, you've already
heard the worst of it.

The worst of it
is I lied to you.

Arthur and I didn't
go bowling last night.

And Carol did see me
with this girl in a Holiday Inn.

At the cocktail lounge.
But nothing happened.

Maude, I'd rather
die than hurt you.

I'm waiting, Walter.

Maude, you have my word.
Absolutely nothing happened.

You know, Maudie...
I tend to believe him.

Is that so, Arthur?

Arthur, why don't
you do something?

Go get some ice.

I'd like that.

Maude, you have to believe me.

Please, don't say that again.

I do believe you, Walter.

I have to believe
you for my own sanity.

What was she, Walter?

A little peccadillo?

Or was it a dalliance? Maude.

[LAUGHS]

I love those words.
Peccadillo. Dalliance.

Tiny little foolings-around.

Sweet little girl-boy things.

Oh, I know.

I know I shouldn't
make fun of them.

They hold very...

bittersweet memories for me now.

Oh, I remember, Walter.

You always used to pour

a pony of white crème
de menthe in my coffee.

I thought it was
so worldly of you.

Well, I never did it for
her last night, Maude.

White crème de
menthe belonged to us.

And then there was
that special dessert

made with the browned
coconut and crème de cacao.

You named it "Maude's miracle."

I never had it with anybody
else, Maude, honest.

Oh, but the thing that thrilled
me more than anything:

over martinis, the
way you used to let me

nibble the pimento
out of your... olive.

Pimento!

Walter... if you
ever wanted to know

what a broken heart
looks like, now you know.

And I hope you choke
on the knowledge.

Maude. Maude. Maude. Maude!

[SIGHS, CLAPS HANDS]

Oh. Arthur. Arthur.

Arthur, what am I gonna do?

I'm such a fool. Such an idiot.

I know. I know.

Know what? When I
tell you the whole story,

you won't believe it.

I know. I know.

If you say, "I know, I
know," one more time,

I'm gonna kick you
the hell out of here.

Now, Arthur, nothing, but
absolutely nothing, happened

between me and
that girl last night.

Do you believe me?

Of course I believe you.

[CHUCKLES] You old dog, you.

Arthur! Arthur, Arthur.

I... I, uh, think I'm
losing my marbles.

It started when I turned 50.

I began to think of girls.

At 50, you began
to think of girls?

It's how I've been
thinking about girls.

I don't even see them
as people anymore.

I just see them as parts.

Legs, necks,
breasts, hips, knees.

Way of the world, Walter.

That's the way people
buy chicken nowadays.

Please be serious!

I'm married to the greatest
woman in the world,

and I love her.

But when I'm out
driving in a car...

and I see the back
of a woman's head

driving in front of me...

I... race like crazy

to the next stoplight just
so I can catch up with her

and see her face.

You're not crazy,
Walter. That's normal.

I've been chasing heads of
hair in automobiles for years.

And you know something?

I have never seen
an unattractive woman

driving an automobile.

They're all beautiful.

Especially in convertibles.

Unless, of course,
they turn out to be boys,

which is happening more
and more these days.

Forget it, Arthur.

My marriage is
tumbling around my ears.

I don't know what
to say to stop it.

And my best friend, all
he does is make jokes.

I am begging you for advice.

Tell Maude the truth, Walter.

That's the only
good advice I know.

The truth is I had a drink
with a bunch of loose parts.

That's all.

I understand.

Has she got a friend?

[CHUCKLES]

Oh. All right,
all right. All right.

Okay. No more jokes.

I'm listening.

Arthur, her name
is Gladys Horton.

She used to work for
me before I met Maude.

I never had anything
going with her.

I never even liked her.

She used to wave
at people a lot,

and all I saw was
stains under her arms.

But she also wore these
scooped-out blouses, you know.

And there was a cross that
hung down in her cleavage

from a chain around her neck.

Oh, I used to get hypnotized
watching that cross.

You know, now you
see it, now you don't.

Oh, yeah. Religion can
be fascinating, Walter.

Arthur. She called me.

She said she needed $500
right away for root canal work.

The dentist said
it had to be done,

or she might lose
every tooth in her head.

She sounds like a
real winner, Walter.

[CHUCKLES]

I'll say this, Walter.

I love the part
about the root canal.

It adds an air of
authenticity to it.

But the rest of the
story needs a lot of work.

Um. Why didn't I just
mail that check to her?

I mean, why did I have to
go and see her in person?

Walter.

How's she built?

Like a brick shipyard.

But so what, Arthur.

I mean, just being
out in public with her,

I was scared to death.

We sat across this
table from each other,

and all I could do
was look around

for people who
might recognize me.

All I wanted was
to get out of there.

Walter... if they put every man

in jail that looked at girls

and had guilty thoughts,
there'd be none of us left.

MAUDE: Walter!

Are you still down
there with Arthur?

Hey, did you hear that?

It sounds like
she's gotten over it.

Yes, dear. A-Arthur's
here. He's with me.

MAUDE: Well, get rid of him,
'cause I'm coming downstairs.

Oh, boy. Well, you
can't tell anything

from sounds anymore, can you?

Good luck, buddy.

Wait a minute,
Arthur. Wait a minute!

Oh, listen. One
more thing, Walter.

Now, listen.

If you and Maude get this thing

settled between
you, just remember...

I'm right next door
waiting for dinner.

Oh, please, Maude.

Please, darling. Don't leave!

I'm not. You are.

But I'm not gonna
leave! Where would I go?!

I just made a reservation
for you at the Holiday Inn.

Maude, why don't you calm down

so we can talk about this?

I am calm, Walter.

I am perfectly calm.

And I don't want
anything in this house

that is going to
remind me of you.

No, please, Maude.

Let me explain what happened.

I thought nothing happened.

Nothing did.

Well, then, what more
is there for me to hear?

I mean, how many
times in one night

can a woman be hurt?

Here's your excuse.

[THUDS]

I can't believe this
is happening to us.

Maude, you're actually
throwing me out?

I suppose you
called your mother,

and she put you up to this.

Actually, I called
President Nixon.

And he and Bebe Rebozo

suggested a 30-day
cooling-off period.

Now, go, Walter!

Give me my 30 days.

No, Maude. I said, go, Walter!

No! Go, Walter!

Okay, I'm going!

Make one step to that door,

and I'll rip your heart out.

Okay, Maude. But if I'm staying,

you're gonna hear
everything that's on my mind.

Maude, I lied to you once

about the bowling last night,

and it didn't work.

It didn't work, because we
have the kind of marriage

that cannot accept a lie.

How do I know you
mean that, Walter?

Maude...

Sit down and I'll
tell you everything.

No. Because how will I
know that you mean it?

After everything you said. After
what happened tonight. After...

Maude! Sit!

Now, this is the
truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth.

Her name was Gladys Horton.

Was she young?

Twenty-six.

Maude, sit!

Now, she used to work for
me before I even met you.

And, uh, she called me last week

because she needed
root canal work.

What work? What canal?

You know, they dig
down into the gums,

way down into the roots.

Well, anyway, she needed $500,

and so I, er, uh,
told her I'd meet her

at the cocktail lounge
and give her a check.

Why couldn't you have
mailed her the check, Walter?

Because I wanted to see her.

I mean, I didn't really
wanna see her, Maude.

Maude, you have to understand,

there's a thing that's been
happening to me, Maude.

Arthur says it
happens to all men.

It has to do with, uh, women's
heads in automobiles, and...

Uh, there's a lot of
other different parts too,

like knees and necks
and hips and thighs.

You know, like the
way they cut up chicken.

So tell me you
understand, Maude.

You do understand?

I understand, Walter.

In the history of
husbandly excuses,

this cock-and-bull,
gum-digging root canal story

has to be the lowest.

But it's true.

I didn't say it wasn't true.

I said it was the lowest.

Look, Walter...

I don't think you
were unfaithful.

[CRIES] But you did
give her my pimento.

I didn't know what I was doing.

But you were there
with her, Walter.

A younger woman,
practically... Practically a child.

Twenty-six.

I hear that number again,
I'll find your root canals

with my bare fingers.

Now, I want the rest
of the truth, Walter.

You were out with
a younger woman.

A Maytag groupie.

And you wanted her, didn't you?

No.

You are lying through
that woman's teeth, Walter.

She was a young
woman. Her flesh was firm.

There was the
thrill of the unknown.

And you wanted her,
Walter, didn't you?

I didn't even like her, Maude.

When she waved, I saw stains!

Walter, it is only natural
that you would feel

the attraction for
a younger woman.

And you did, didn't
you, Walter? No.

You did. No.

Yes. No.

Yes. Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes. And you lusted after
her, didn't you, Walter?

Is that what you
wanna think, Maude?

I only want the truth, Walter.

Then I lusted after her!

Now, don't say it just
to please me, Walter.

Admit it!

You sat there through
that whole tête-à-tête,

looking at her,
longing for her...

hunger for her pouring
out of every pore.

That's right, Maude.

I could feel my toes
curling in my shoes.

But nothing happened, Maude.

Do you wanna know
why nothing happened?

Do you?

Why do you think
nothing happened?

Because...

I've spoiled you
for other women?

You're darn right.

Because you've spoiled
me for other women, Maude.

Oh. And that's why
nothing happened

with Gladys Horton.

Am I right, Walter?

Of course.

Oh. But, darling,
then why didn't you

come right out and tell me this?

I should have,
Maude. I should have.

Oh, Walter. Walter, Walter.

I can read you like a book.

And you said yourself,

"Ours is the kind of marriage

that cannot accept a lie."

A martini, dear?

An olive, love?

Anything else you
want, sweetheart?

A Waterpik. That damn
pimento's stuck in my tooth.

♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ Right on, Maude! ♪