Maude (1972–1978): Season 1, Episode 18 - Florida's Problem - full transcript
Florida arrives at Maude's in a bad mood. She tells Maude that her husband wants her to quit her job, but she does not want to.
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
Good morning, Maude.
Morning, Mother.
Did you sleep well?
No, Carol, I did not.
Didn't have a chance to.
Walter, I cannot believe how
much you snored last night.
You'd better watch it.
One of these nights, you're
gonna blow off your mustache.
Morning, Florida.
Good morning, Florida.
Good morning, Florida.
What was that all about?
Don't worry about it. I always
come through the kitchen
like a black tornado.
Well, I don't know
what that was all about,
but I'm gonna find out.
Good morning, Florida.
Florida, dear, I
said good morning.
I heard you in the first
place, Mrs. Findlay.
Believe me, your
voice has no trouble
traveling from where you are
to anyplace you want to send it.
Florida, what's wrong?
Florida, please, what's wrong?
Nothing's wrong. Haven't
you read the papers?
It's National Foul-Mood Day.
Some people like
Valentine's Day.
Some like Groundhog's Day.
Me? I'm celebrating
Foul-Mood Day.
Whoopie.
Maude, I think
something's troubling her.
You detected that?
Bravo, Walter.
No, now, honey, I really
am disturbed about her.
Now, she just bit my head
off. Walter, you talk to her.
Why me?
Oh, come on, darling.
You're so much more
diplomatic than I am.
Look, honey, just talk to her
in your own, warm, you know,
inimitable, uh, lovely,
compassionate way.
Well, okay.
And if you hurt her
feelings, I'll rip your heart out.
That does it, Maude.
You wanna talk to
Florida, you talk to her.
I'm going upstairs
to the library.
Carol, honey... Bye.
Oh, Carol, please. Talk to her.
No, Mother.
Mother, Florida has
a right to her privacy.
Now, if she's got a problem
that she can't share with us,
all we can do is love her and
wait until she comes out of it.
Carol, you owe me your life.
There were years when I
could have stepped on you
in your playpen.
So get thee to that kitchen.
I'm sorry, Mother.
All right, all right!
You go to work.
I'll talk to her.
But remember this:
This is the first thing I've
asked you to do for me
since you were
in toilet training.
And you didn't do that either.
Florida, I came to apologize.
For what?
For whatever I've said or
done to make you so upset.
Why does it have to be you?
Maybe it's something in my
private life got me this way.
I do have a private
life, you know.
My own family,
friends, neighbors...
Oh, come on now,
Florida. I know that.
But every morning
you come to work
with a big smile on your
face, happy as a lark...
Happy as a lark, huh?
Did you ever see a
happy lark, Mrs. Findlay?
Well, I've been looking at
them little birds all my life,
and not one of them
ever smiled at me.
Florida, what are you
doing? You don't smoke.
They say these things
supposed to relax you.
Well, I'm waiting.
Now, look, Florida, honey,
have you seen a doctor recently?
It might be possible that
you're going through...
Look, when wom... When
women get to be at our time of life...
What do you mean,
our time of life?
You don't know how old I am.
You forget, you people don't
never know how old we are.
That kills you, don't it?
Look, Florida, put down
the cigarette and talk to me.
Now, if you are this upset,
it has to be something very,
very, very important to you.
I mean, as... As important as...
As your thinking of leaving me.
Hm.
You cannot leave me!
What do you mean,
I cannot leave you?
I could swear there was a war
fought about this kind of thing
and our side won.
All right, if that's
the way you feel,
you're free to leave.
Well, glory,
hallelujah, thank you!
Thank you, Miss Lincoln!
Cut it out.
Florida, look, I at
least deserve to know
why you want to quit.
I didn't say I do.
It's just that I have
to think about it.
Think about what...?
Oh, Florida, look, honey,
I know sometimes I
say the wrong things,
or I... I talk too much, or...
Oh, your big mouth don't
bother me none, Mrs. Findlay.
It's kind of like working
with the radio on.
Florida, Florida,
why are you so upset,
why are you smoking, and
why are you thinking of leaving?
I hope you can forgive
me for this, Mrs. Findlay,
but it's none of your business.
But it is my business.
I love you, Florida.
Don't say that.
But I do,
and I can't stand seeing you
so unhappy because I love you.
I told you to stop saying that.
My husband keeps saying that,
and then he goes right
on driving me up a wall.
Florida, you having
trouble with Henry?
Henry who?
Florida, come on.
Look me in the eye
and tell me that you're not
having trouble with Henry.
I said the eye, Florida.
You're looking me in the mouth.
I like practicing
with a moving target.
Florida.
Florida...
Mrs. Findlay, if
you make me cry,
I will never forgive you.
Here it comes, and I'm
never gonna forgive you.
Oh, honey. Florida.
Honey, I had no idea
you were this upset.
Sit down.
Florida...
You see, he got
this job driving a cab
in his off-hours so...
Just so I could quit
work and stay at home.
Said he was tired of
me working for The Man.
He said that?
Actually, he said "honky."
I can't understand Henry.
You live with a man
for... For... For 22 years.
You wake up one morning and
all of a sudden he's Super Fly.
I don't know, Florida. I may
be cutting my own throat,
but if Henry can
afford to have you quit...
But he can't, Mrs. Findlay.
He's a fireman.
His work is dangerous,
and he needs his rest.
He can't drive cabs all hours
and then go in to
a dangerous job.
I can't have that.
In a couple of years,
when the children are
older and out of the house,
that's when I'll
be able to quit.
But my Henry,
he just won't wait.
We argued so bad this morning
there was even the
threat of violence.
Oh, no, Florida.
That's right.
And I ain't never
hit him before.
I'll get that.
You stay and finish
your cry. It'll do you good.
I'm Henry Evans.
Come in, Mr. Evans.
You're Florida's husband.
Well, that's one
way of putting it,
but the other way,
which is the right way,
is that Florida is my wife.
Anyhow, I ain't got
but a few minutes.
I'm here to pick up.
Pick her up? But Florida isn't
going anywhere, Mr. Evans.
Oh, I'll be the judge
of that, Mrs. Findlay.
Henry Evans!
Yeah, that's right.
Just like I was
telling Mrs. Findlay,
here come the judge.
Now, get your things.
I'm taking you home.
The hell you say.
Now, don't give
me no lip, woman.
I got the taxi parked outside.
I'm gonna drive you
home right now, so let's go.
Uh, look, Mr. Evans, Florida...
why don't I leave and just let
the two of you iron things out?
Oh, she not gonna be doing
no more ironing, Mrs. Findlay,
unless it's for her own family.
No more ironing for white folks.
Mr. Evans, I'll have you
know that under this roof,
we are all human beings.
There is no white and no black.
We are all the same. Here
we are all people-color.
You didn't tell me you
was working for a comedian.
You have no call to
talk to her that way.
If you wanna abuse a woman,
you might as well stick with me.
You already put
in 22 years at it.
I see you been working
for Miss Ann too long.
Where you get off
using words like "abuse"?
If you wanna tell
me I'm hassling,
you just come right
on up front and say so.
All right, you're hassling me.
Don't you open your mouth
to me like that, woman.
Now, Florida, your
career as a maid is over.
Not for two more years,
Henry, and that's that.
That's that, is it?
Well, I can't pick you up
and drag you out of here.
So I tell you what: I'm gonna
make you a sporting proposition.
I'm holding one match
in this hand here, right?
Oh, no you don't, Henry Evans.
I'm not gonna play any of
your little games with you.
You trick me that way.
You always trick me.
Now, this is no trick, Florida.
I'm holding one match,
ain't I? Henry...
There's just one match here.
You see it's one match, isn't it?
Yeah. All right. Tell you what.
I'm gonna take it and
put it behind my back
and bring it back real fast.
There.
How many matches
you see now? One.
Uh-uh.
Now there's two.
There ain't but one
match there, Henry.
But I say there's two.
Now, will you go home
with me if I'm right?
Henry, you're tricking me.
Baby, how can I trick you?
You say there's one match.
You see it with your own eyes.
But I say there's two.
Now, will you go home
with me if I'm right?
No! You're tricking me!
Will you go home
with me if I'm wrong?
Yeah.
Then get your things.
I'm wrong. Come on.
No!
No, you don't. You
made a bargain, now!
No, you made a
bargain. Let's go, now.
That's not fair!
Mr. Evans. Florida,
Flo... Please.
I just want you to know that
there is absolutely no reason
to be uncomfortable
about fighting in this house.
True love grows best
in the soil of emotions
passionately expressed.
You save that jive talk for
the cotton fields, Mrs. Findlay.
Now, Florida, now, hear this:
I'm pressed for time now,
but when my shift
is over tonight,
I'm coming back and
take you home for good.
You hear me? Once and for
all I'm taking you home for good.
Now, that's that. Over and out.
Wait a minute, Henry...
No, now that's that.
Now, over and out.
I'm coming back at 9:00,
and I mean 9:00 W.P.T.
Florida, what's W.P.T?
White People Time.
If he didn't mean 9:00 sharp,
he would have said C.P.T.
That's Colored People Time,
which means shuffle
on in when you feel like it.
Boy, of all the male
chauvinist pigs!
Mm-hm.
I mean, he's something
straight out of the Dark Ages.
Nothing racial intended.
Oh, Walter. Look, honey,
before you go to work,
I know that you're doing
inventory this week,
but it's very important that
you be home no later than 9:00.
Florida's husband
wants her to quit her job.
Now, she doesn't want to do it.
Honey, he's coming by at 9:00
to pick her up and take her home.
Please be here.
You know, maybe another man
can talk some sense into him.
Another man is right.
I wouldn't touch this
with a 10-foot pole.
Walter! Now, look, Maude,
I'm sure that
Florida understands.
We have no right to
interfere in her marriage.
And I have no time
for any of this jive talk.
Now, Florida and
I need your help.
So you be back,
Walter, at 9:00 sharp.
And I mean W.P.T.
Florida, what the devil
is she talking about?
I think she's turning
black by osmosis.
Now, look, Maude, if
Mr. Evans wants his wife home,
that's his right. We're
not gonna get involved.
I absolutely forbid it!
You absolutely forbid it?
You heard me!
We're staying out of
this, and that's that!
Over and out!
Welcome to the Dark
Ages, Mrs. Findlay.
Nothing racial
intended, by the way.
Carol, Joe Namath.
Mother, it's Bob
Griese. Joe Namath.
Bob... I tell you both,
Mercury Morris...
Bob Griese is... Oh,
come on. Carol, Florida.
Will you listen to me?
Will you listen to me?
Now, I have watched every
single pro football game
on TV all year,
so I'm an authority, and
I know that Joe Namath,
without a shadow of a doubt,
has a cuter rear end
than either Bob Griese
or Mercury Morris.
Well, anyway, enough of that.
Here's to our
Emancipation Proclamation.
I mean, a Womancipation
Proclamation.
To our Womancipation
Proclamation.
Florida and I are finally
getting out from under the yoke
of male domination.
Yeah, but I'm also under
the yoke of white racism.
That makes me
have a double yoke.
Florida, you having a hot
time on the old town tonight.
Listen, you two, this thing
about male domination?
It isn't only the man's fault.
We women bring it on ourselves.
Oh, come on, honey.
That's because we're
told right off the bat
that we're second-class.
I mean, uh, when does, uh...?
When does a new
father hand out cigars?
When he has a boy.
That's right.
And did you ever see a girl
join her father in business?
You never heard tell of
Sanford and Daughter.
Nothing but son, son, son.
Florida, when did
you start smoking?
Well, it all began
this morning, Carol.
My husband started, and
her husband clinched it.
You know, men are no damn good.
It's probably a bad seed.
You know, the same
gene that gives them
those little bald spots on
the backs of their heads.
Which is Mother Nature's
way of getting even.
Mother Nature. Thank
heaven she's a woman.
That's probably
my bald spot now.
Good luck, Mother. You
too, Florida. I've got a date.
But we'll keep the car
radio tuned in to police calls.
Oh, hi, love.
Well, we just finished
the old inventory.
Your lips feel like thin
slices of day-old liver.
I'm sorry about that, Walter,
because day-old liver
lips are too good for you.
I suppose all this
has something to do
with our talk this morning.
Talk? What talk? I don't
remember any talk, Walter.
All I remember are orders.
"I absolutely forbid it."
"That's that." "Over and out."
Do you remember
those words, Walter?
Well, so you never forget them,
I am going to have
them hand-painted
on your next Christmas tie,
which I shall
probably be sending
from an adorable
little tie-shop in Reno.
I have a charge there, Walter.
Maude, I had to stop you
from getting between
Florida and her husband.
I was merely trying to
protect you from yourself.
Thank you, Napoleon.
Now, look, Florida is my friend.
I will deal with
her in my own way,
and if I make a mistake,
it will be my own mistake.
And I do not want you, Walter,
under the benevolent
guise of protection,
to prevent me from
making that mistake.
Now, Florida is
going to stay here
until she solves her
problem with her husband.
Is that clear?
Oh, yes, I understand.
You're gonna make
a fool of yourself
and there's nothing
I can do about it.
Now, what's for dinner?!
Now, Walter...
I'm now going to show you
the difference between us.
"What's for dinner?" you snarl.
And your little forked tongue
darts out of your
little hairy mouth
like a garter snake.
But because I am a woman,
Walter, without rancor,
I am offering you
a choice for dinner:
chicken or roast beef.
Hm, chicken or roast beef.
Hm, that's nice.
I think I'll have the chicken.
Sweetheart, while
I'm preparing dinner,
why don't you finish making
your martini and just relax?
Well, one for our side.
Here's your dinner, darling.
Huh?
Maude!
That's a TV dinner, and
the chicken is still frozen!
Walter, if you think
that's a frozen chicken,
wait till you see what
you find in bed tonight.
Come back here! Do you hear me?
Over and out, Walter.
Over and out.
You too? Mm.
But I'm not going to
inhale. He's not worth it.
W.P.T. That's Henry.
You gonna go out there?
Yeah.
But I'm going out C.P.T.
I'm Henry Evans.
I'm Walter Findlay. Come in.
Well, where's Florida.
She's in the kitchen, but
I think you ought to know
she decided to
stay over tonight.
Oh, not if I have
anything to say about it.
Do you mind if I talk to her?
Of course not. Good.
Florida!
Why, Mr. Evans, what
a pleasant surprise.
You called?
Where's Florida?
Ah, well, the last I saw of her,
she had resorted to smoking.
Because of you, she
was puffing on a cigarette.
A cigarette?
Well, tell her to drag
her butt out here.
Gutter humor titillates
you, does it, Walter?
Uh, Mr. Evans, you
stay here with Balzac
while I convey your
message to Florida.
I'll explain the
whole thing to her,
and then she'll probably
change her mind.
I've just spoken to Mrs. Evans.
And she wishes me to
convey the message to you
that at this particular moment,
she does not care
to converse with you.
She requests instead
that you bug off.
Oh, Mrs. Evans
said that, did she?
Well, I'm not leaving
here until I talk to her.
Maude, I told you before
that if he wants his
wife home with him,
that's his business!
Now, look, I'm not asking you
to get out of their
lives any longer.
I am demanding it.
Walter, the last king in
this country was Kong.
And he was shot off
the Empire State Building
for being less of a drag
than you are right now.
He was also a
lot more attractive.
All right, Henry,
I'm gonna give you two minutes
to say I'm sorry and go home.
But when I go home,
you going with me.
And I'm not coming
home until you say out loud
right here and right now
that I'm keeping my
job for two more years.
Tell her, Mr. Evans.
Maude, stay out of it!
Florida, I got a good mind
to go right upside your head.
Now, get your coat and come on.
What makes you think
you can order me
around like that, Henry?
You my wife. That
gives me the right.
When he says wife,
he means possession.
So, what, Maude?
You told me a hundred times
you want to feel possessed.
Walter Findlay, I never
said that standing up
and you know it.
People are not supposed to
be possessions, Henry Evans.
Now, if you want me,
you're gonna have to
take me as your equal.
Florida, I never said nothing
about you not being my equal.
Why you wanna run all
this civil-rights jazz on me?
This ain't civil rights, Henry.
It's woman's rights.
Woman's rights.
Boy, don't nobody ever
wanna talk about men's rights.
Out of sight, Henry. Let's
talk about it right now!
Right on!
Isn't that adorable?
They found each other.
Yeah. Two peas in a pod.
One of 'em black-eyed.
I'll tell you something, Henry,
there's only one way
to end this argument.
Florida, and don't take this
personally, but you're fired.
Fired?
Fired. You hear that? Man,
you are something else.
All right, Florida.
Get your coat.
Come on, now, let's go.
Don't listen to him. You
are rehired with a raise.
And I'm firing you again!
Quick, get your coat.
You're rehired.
Damn it, Florida, you too slow.
Well, what am I
now? Hired or fired?
You are... hired! Fired!
The unemployment service
ain't gonna believe this.
If she's fired, Walter,
you might just as well
fire me as your wife.
You hear that, Henry?
We're busting up their
marriage, and it's all your fault.
All my fault. You
hear that, Walter?
All I'm trying to do is get
the same things from my wife
that your wife has,
and she's complaining.
I got news for you, Henry.
When your wife has
everything my wife has,
she'll still complain.
All women. I... I tell you,
I don't understand them.
But especially you white women.
You sit up here
in your nice world,
and instead of enjoying
the things you got,
you're worrying yourself sick
about some women's rights.
Well, let me tell
you, baby. I'm ebony.
And the world I grew up in,
the black man
couldn't even get a job.
So the woman went out and
worked and supported the family.
And quiet as it's kept, none
of us never wanted it that way.
And some of us don't have
to have it that way, like me.
Now, I got a J-O-B.
And a good one.
And if I have to work
two jobs, then I will,
'cause I am no longer gonna
be the husband of a black maid.
Hey, hey, hey.
You people ain't gonna
be sucked in by that jive.
Florida, he knows
what he's talking about.
He's black.
And what do you
think I am? Suntanned?
You ain't listening to a
black problem, woman.
You listening to a male ego.
Oh, now, wait a
minute, Florida...
No, Henry, you wait a minute.
Now, you hurt
because of your pride
and I love you for that.
But I also resent you for
not being just as proud of me
as I am of you.
I am proud of you, Florida.
It's just that I don't want
you to be a maid no more.
Them two don't
go together, Henry.
Your mother was a maid.
That's how your brothers
got through school
and you got to be a fireman.
My grandmother was a maid.
That's how my daddy
got a little schooling.
There are a lot of women,
Henry, on both sides of my family,
who worked all their
lives in white kitchens
so their kids could get some
of the things they should have.
You want to be proud
of something, Henry?
You be proud of them 'cause
they was all black women,
and I tell you there ain't never
been a better woman than that.
I'm going home
now, Miss Findlay.
I'll see you in the morning.
Right, Henry?
Mm.
Tell you what,
so that I don't have to
make this decision by myself,
I'm gonna hold up this match.
How many you see
here? One, right?
Now, you know you
can't do that trick on me.
Oh, here, wait a
minute. You didn't look.
Well, Maude, I guess we
learned a big lesson tonight.
Oh, we sure did.
Regardless of
race, color or creed,
you're all a bunch of
male chauvinist pigs.
♪ Oh, what a beautiful morning ♪
♪ Oh, what a beautiful day ♪
Good morning, Mrs. Findlay.
Good morning.
You know, Florida,
the wonderful thing
about fighting with Walter
is that we always
reconcile afterwards.
And, Florida, last night we had
one of the great reconciliations
of all time.
Well, you can keep your
reconciliation, Mrs. Findlay.
With me and Henry,
it's forgive and forget.
And last night we had a
forgiving I'll never forget.
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
Good morning, Maude.
Morning, Mother.
Did you sleep well?
No, Carol, I did not.
Didn't have a chance to.
Walter, I cannot believe how
much you snored last night.
You'd better watch it.
One of these nights, you're
gonna blow off your mustache.
Morning, Florida.
Good morning, Florida.
Good morning, Florida.
What was that all about?
Don't worry about it. I always
come through the kitchen
like a black tornado.
Well, I don't know
what that was all about,
but I'm gonna find out.
Good morning, Florida.
Florida, dear, I
said good morning.
I heard you in the first
place, Mrs. Findlay.
Believe me, your
voice has no trouble
traveling from where you are
to anyplace you want to send it.
Florida, what's wrong?
Florida, please, what's wrong?
Nothing's wrong. Haven't
you read the papers?
It's National Foul-Mood Day.
Some people like
Valentine's Day.
Some like Groundhog's Day.
Me? I'm celebrating
Foul-Mood Day.
Whoopie.
Maude, I think
something's troubling her.
You detected that?
Bravo, Walter.
No, now, honey, I really
am disturbed about her.
Now, she just bit my head
off. Walter, you talk to her.
Why me?
Oh, come on, darling.
You're so much more
diplomatic than I am.
Look, honey, just talk to her
in your own, warm, you know,
inimitable, uh, lovely,
compassionate way.
Well, okay.
And if you hurt her
feelings, I'll rip your heart out.
That does it, Maude.
You wanna talk to
Florida, you talk to her.
I'm going upstairs
to the library.
Carol, honey... Bye.
Oh, Carol, please. Talk to her.
No, Mother.
Mother, Florida has
a right to her privacy.
Now, if she's got a problem
that she can't share with us,
all we can do is love her and
wait until she comes out of it.
Carol, you owe me your life.
There were years when I
could have stepped on you
in your playpen.
So get thee to that kitchen.
I'm sorry, Mother.
All right, all right!
You go to work.
I'll talk to her.
But remember this:
This is the first thing I've
asked you to do for me
since you were
in toilet training.
And you didn't do that either.
Florida, I came to apologize.
For what?
For whatever I've said or
done to make you so upset.
Why does it have to be you?
Maybe it's something in my
private life got me this way.
I do have a private
life, you know.
My own family,
friends, neighbors...
Oh, come on now,
Florida. I know that.
But every morning
you come to work
with a big smile on your
face, happy as a lark...
Happy as a lark, huh?
Did you ever see a
happy lark, Mrs. Findlay?
Well, I've been looking at
them little birds all my life,
and not one of them
ever smiled at me.
Florida, what are you
doing? You don't smoke.
They say these things
supposed to relax you.
Well, I'm waiting.
Now, look, Florida, honey,
have you seen a doctor recently?
It might be possible that
you're going through...
Look, when wom... When
women get to be at our time of life...
What do you mean,
our time of life?
You don't know how old I am.
You forget, you people don't
never know how old we are.
That kills you, don't it?
Look, Florida, put down
the cigarette and talk to me.
Now, if you are this upset,
it has to be something very,
very, very important to you.
I mean, as... As important as...
As your thinking of leaving me.
Hm.
You cannot leave me!
What do you mean,
I cannot leave you?
I could swear there was a war
fought about this kind of thing
and our side won.
All right, if that's
the way you feel,
you're free to leave.
Well, glory,
hallelujah, thank you!
Thank you, Miss Lincoln!
Cut it out.
Florida, look, I at
least deserve to know
why you want to quit.
I didn't say I do.
It's just that I have
to think about it.
Think about what...?
Oh, Florida, look, honey,
I know sometimes I
say the wrong things,
or I... I talk too much, or...
Oh, your big mouth don't
bother me none, Mrs. Findlay.
It's kind of like working
with the radio on.
Florida, Florida,
why are you so upset,
why are you smoking, and
why are you thinking of leaving?
I hope you can forgive
me for this, Mrs. Findlay,
but it's none of your business.
But it is my business.
I love you, Florida.
Don't say that.
But I do,
and I can't stand seeing you
so unhappy because I love you.
I told you to stop saying that.
My husband keeps saying that,
and then he goes right
on driving me up a wall.
Florida, you having
trouble with Henry?
Henry who?
Florida, come on.
Look me in the eye
and tell me that you're not
having trouble with Henry.
I said the eye, Florida.
You're looking me in the mouth.
I like practicing
with a moving target.
Florida.
Florida...
Mrs. Findlay, if
you make me cry,
I will never forgive you.
Here it comes, and I'm
never gonna forgive you.
Oh, honey. Florida.
Honey, I had no idea
you were this upset.
Sit down.
Florida...
You see, he got
this job driving a cab
in his off-hours so...
Just so I could quit
work and stay at home.
Said he was tired of
me working for The Man.
He said that?
Actually, he said "honky."
I can't understand Henry.
You live with a man
for... For... For 22 years.
You wake up one morning and
all of a sudden he's Super Fly.
I don't know, Florida. I may
be cutting my own throat,
but if Henry can
afford to have you quit...
But he can't, Mrs. Findlay.
He's a fireman.
His work is dangerous,
and he needs his rest.
He can't drive cabs all hours
and then go in to
a dangerous job.
I can't have that.
In a couple of years,
when the children are
older and out of the house,
that's when I'll
be able to quit.
But my Henry,
he just won't wait.
We argued so bad this morning
there was even the
threat of violence.
Oh, no, Florida.
That's right.
And I ain't never
hit him before.
I'll get that.
You stay and finish
your cry. It'll do you good.
I'm Henry Evans.
Come in, Mr. Evans.
You're Florida's husband.
Well, that's one
way of putting it,
but the other way,
which is the right way,
is that Florida is my wife.
Anyhow, I ain't got
but a few minutes.
I'm here to pick up.
Pick her up? But Florida isn't
going anywhere, Mr. Evans.
Oh, I'll be the judge
of that, Mrs. Findlay.
Henry Evans!
Yeah, that's right.
Just like I was
telling Mrs. Findlay,
here come the judge.
Now, get your things.
I'm taking you home.
The hell you say.
Now, don't give
me no lip, woman.
I got the taxi parked outside.
I'm gonna drive you
home right now, so let's go.
Uh, look, Mr. Evans, Florida...
why don't I leave and just let
the two of you iron things out?
Oh, she not gonna be doing
no more ironing, Mrs. Findlay,
unless it's for her own family.
No more ironing for white folks.
Mr. Evans, I'll have you
know that under this roof,
we are all human beings.
There is no white and no black.
We are all the same. Here
we are all people-color.
You didn't tell me you
was working for a comedian.
You have no call to
talk to her that way.
If you wanna abuse a woman,
you might as well stick with me.
You already put
in 22 years at it.
I see you been working
for Miss Ann too long.
Where you get off
using words like "abuse"?
If you wanna tell
me I'm hassling,
you just come right
on up front and say so.
All right, you're hassling me.
Don't you open your mouth
to me like that, woman.
Now, Florida, your
career as a maid is over.
Not for two more years,
Henry, and that's that.
That's that, is it?
Well, I can't pick you up
and drag you out of here.
So I tell you what: I'm gonna
make you a sporting proposition.
I'm holding one match
in this hand here, right?
Oh, no you don't, Henry Evans.
I'm not gonna play any of
your little games with you.
You trick me that way.
You always trick me.
Now, this is no trick, Florida.
I'm holding one match,
ain't I? Henry...
There's just one match here.
You see it's one match, isn't it?
Yeah. All right. Tell you what.
I'm gonna take it and
put it behind my back
and bring it back real fast.
There.
How many matches
you see now? One.
Uh-uh.
Now there's two.
There ain't but one
match there, Henry.
But I say there's two.
Now, will you go home
with me if I'm right?
Henry, you're tricking me.
Baby, how can I trick you?
You say there's one match.
You see it with your own eyes.
But I say there's two.
Now, will you go home
with me if I'm right?
No! You're tricking me!
Will you go home
with me if I'm wrong?
Yeah.
Then get your things.
I'm wrong. Come on.
No!
No, you don't. You
made a bargain, now!
No, you made a
bargain. Let's go, now.
That's not fair!
Mr. Evans. Florida,
Flo... Please.
I just want you to know that
there is absolutely no reason
to be uncomfortable
about fighting in this house.
True love grows best
in the soil of emotions
passionately expressed.
You save that jive talk for
the cotton fields, Mrs. Findlay.
Now, Florida, now, hear this:
I'm pressed for time now,
but when my shift
is over tonight,
I'm coming back and
take you home for good.
You hear me? Once and for
all I'm taking you home for good.
Now, that's that. Over and out.
Wait a minute, Henry...
No, now that's that.
Now, over and out.
I'm coming back at 9:00,
and I mean 9:00 W.P.T.
Florida, what's W.P.T?
White People Time.
If he didn't mean 9:00 sharp,
he would have said C.P.T.
That's Colored People Time,
which means shuffle
on in when you feel like it.
Boy, of all the male
chauvinist pigs!
Mm-hm.
I mean, he's something
straight out of the Dark Ages.
Nothing racial intended.
Oh, Walter. Look, honey,
before you go to work,
I know that you're doing
inventory this week,
but it's very important that
you be home no later than 9:00.
Florida's husband
wants her to quit her job.
Now, she doesn't want to do it.
Honey, he's coming by at 9:00
to pick her up and take her home.
Please be here.
You know, maybe another man
can talk some sense into him.
Another man is right.
I wouldn't touch this
with a 10-foot pole.
Walter! Now, look, Maude,
I'm sure that
Florida understands.
We have no right to
interfere in her marriage.
And I have no time
for any of this jive talk.
Now, Florida and
I need your help.
So you be back,
Walter, at 9:00 sharp.
And I mean W.P.T.
Florida, what the devil
is she talking about?
I think she's turning
black by osmosis.
Now, look, Maude, if
Mr. Evans wants his wife home,
that's his right. We're
not gonna get involved.
I absolutely forbid it!
You absolutely forbid it?
You heard me!
We're staying out of
this, and that's that!
Over and out!
Welcome to the Dark
Ages, Mrs. Findlay.
Nothing racial
intended, by the way.
Carol, Joe Namath.
Mother, it's Bob
Griese. Joe Namath.
Bob... I tell you both,
Mercury Morris...
Bob Griese is... Oh,
come on. Carol, Florida.
Will you listen to me?
Will you listen to me?
Now, I have watched every
single pro football game
on TV all year,
so I'm an authority, and
I know that Joe Namath,
without a shadow of a doubt,
has a cuter rear end
than either Bob Griese
or Mercury Morris.
Well, anyway, enough of that.
Here's to our
Emancipation Proclamation.
I mean, a Womancipation
Proclamation.
To our Womancipation
Proclamation.
Florida and I are finally
getting out from under the yoke
of male domination.
Yeah, but I'm also under
the yoke of white racism.
That makes me
have a double yoke.
Florida, you having a hot
time on the old town tonight.
Listen, you two, this thing
about male domination?
It isn't only the man's fault.
We women bring it on ourselves.
Oh, come on, honey.
That's because we're
told right off the bat
that we're second-class.
I mean, uh, when does, uh...?
When does a new
father hand out cigars?
When he has a boy.
That's right.
And did you ever see a girl
join her father in business?
You never heard tell of
Sanford and Daughter.
Nothing but son, son, son.
Florida, when did
you start smoking?
Well, it all began
this morning, Carol.
My husband started, and
her husband clinched it.
You know, men are no damn good.
It's probably a bad seed.
You know, the same
gene that gives them
those little bald spots on
the backs of their heads.
Which is Mother Nature's
way of getting even.
Mother Nature. Thank
heaven she's a woman.
That's probably
my bald spot now.
Good luck, Mother. You
too, Florida. I've got a date.
But we'll keep the car
radio tuned in to police calls.
Oh, hi, love.
Well, we just finished
the old inventory.
Your lips feel like thin
slices of day-old liver.
I'm sorry about that, Walter,
because day-old liver
lips are too good for you.
I suppose all this
has something to do
with our talk this morning.
Talk? What talk? I don't
remember any talk, Walter.
All I remember are orders.
"I absolutely forbid it."
"That's that." "Over and out."
Do you remember
those words, Walter?
Well, so you never forget them,
I am going to have
them hand-painted
on your next Christmas tie,
which I shall
probably be sending
from an adorable
little tie-shop in Reno.
I have a charge there, Walter.
Maude, I had to stop you
from getting between
Florida and her husband.
I was merely trying to
protect you from yourself.
Thank you, Napoleon.
Now, look, Florida is my friend.
I will deal with
her in my own way,
and if I make a mistake,
it will be my own mistake.
And I do not want you, Walter,
under the benevolent
guise of protection,
to prevent me from
making that mistake.
Now, Florida is
going to stay here
until she solves her
problem with her husband.
Is that clear?
Oh, yes, I understand.
You're gonna make
a fool of yourself
and there's nothing
I can do about it.
Now, what's for dinner?!
Now, Walter...
I'm now going to show you
the difference between us.
"What's for dinner?" you snarl.
And your little forked tongue
darts out of your
little hairy mouth
like a garter snake.
But because I am a woman,
Walter, without rancor,
I am offering you
a choice for dinner:
chicken or roast beef.
Hm, chicken or roast beef.
Hm, that's nice.
I think I'll have the chicken.
Sweetheart, while
I'm preparing dinner,
why don't you finish making
your martini and just relax?
Well, one for our side.
Here's your dinner, darling.
Huh?
Maude!
That's a TV dinner, and
the chicken is still frozen!
Walter, if you think
that's a frozen chicken,
wait till you see what
you find in bed tonight.
Come back here! Do you hear me?
Over and out, Walter.
Over and out.
You too? Mm.
But I'm not going to
inhale. He's not worth it.
W.P.T. That's Henry.
You gonna go out there?
Yeah.
But I'm going out C.P.T.
I'm Henry Evans.
I'm Walter Findlay. Come in.
Well, where's Florida.
She's in the kitchen, but
I think you ought to know
she decided to
stay over tonight.
Oh, not if I have
anything to say about it.
Do you mind if I talk to her?
Of course not. Good.
Florida!
Why, Mr. Evans, what
a pleasant surprise.
You called?
Where's Florida?
Ah, well, the last I saw of her,
she had resorted to smoking.
Because of you, she
was puffing on a cigarette.
A cigarette?
Well, tell her to drag
her butt out here.
Gutter humor titillates
you, does it, Walter?
Uh, Mr. Evans, you
stay here with Balzac
while I convey your
message to Florida.
I'll explain the
whole thing to her,
and then she'll probably
change her mind.
I've just spoken to Mrs. Evans.
And she wishes me to
convey the message to you
that at this particular moment,
she does not care
to converse with you.
She requests instead
that you bug off.
Oh, Mrs. Evans
said that, did she?
Well, I'm not leaving
here until I talk to her.
Maude, I told you before
that if he wants his
wife home with him,
that's his business!
Now, look, I'm not asking you
to get out of their
lives any longer.
I am demanding it.
Walter, the last king in
this country was Kong.
And he was shot off
the Empire State Building
for being less of a drag
than you are right now.
He was also a
lot more attractive.
All right, Henry,
I'm gonna give you two minutes
to say I'm sorry and go home.
But when I go home,
you going with me.
And I'm not coming
home until you say out loud
right here and right now
that I'm keeping my
job for two more years.
Tell her, Mr. Evans.
Maude, stay out of it!
Florida, I got a good mind
to go right upside your head.
Now, get your coat and come on.
What makes you think
you can order me
around like that, Henry?
You my wife. That
gives me the right.
When he says wife,
he means possession.
So, what, Maude?
You told me a hundred times
you want to feel possessed.
Walter Findlay, I never
said that standing up
and you know it.
People are not supposed to
be possessions, Henry Evans.
Now, if you want me,
you're gonna have to
take me as your equal.
Florida, I never said nothing
about you not being my equal.
Why you wanna run all
this civil-rights jazz on me?
This ain't civil rights, Henry.
It's woman's rights.
Woman's rights.
Boy, don't nobody ever
wanna talk about men's rights.
Out of sight, Henry. Let's
talk about it right now!
Right on!
Isn't that adorable?
They found each other.
Yeah. Two peas in a pod.
One of 'em black-eyed.
I'll tell you something, Henry,
there's only one way
to end this argument.
Florida, and don't take this
personally, but you're fired.
Fired?
Fired. You hear that? Man,
you are something else.
All right, Florida.
Get your coat.
Come on, now, let's go.
Don't listen to him. You
are rehired with a raise.
And I'm firing you again!
Quick, get your coat.
You're rehired.
Damn it, Florida, you too slow.
Well, what am I
now? Hired or fired?
You are... hired! Fired!
The unemployment service
ain't gonna believe this.
If she's fired, Walter,
you might just as well
fire me as your wife.
You hear that, Henry?
We're busting up their
marriage, and it's all your fault.
All my fault. You
hear that, Walter?
All I'm trying to do is get
the same things from my wife
that your wife has,
and she's complaining.
I got news for you, Henry.
When your wife has
everything my wife has,
she'll still complain.
All women. I... I tell you,
I don't understand them.
But especially you white women.
You sit up here
in your nice world,
and instead of enjoying
the things you got,
you're worrying yourself sick
about some women's rights.
Well, let me tell
you, baby. I'm ebony.
And the world I grew up in,
the black man
couldn't even get a job.
So the woman went out and
worked and supported the family.
And quiet as it's kept, none
of us never wanted it that way.
And some of us don't have
to have it that way, like me.
Now, I got a J-O-B.
And a good one.
And if I have to work
two jobs, then I will,
'cause I am no longer gonna
be the husband of a black maid.
Hey, hey, hey.
You people ain't gonna
be sucked in by that jive.
Florida, he knows
what he's talking about.
He's black.
And what do you
think I am? Suntanned?
You ain't listening to a
black problem, woman.
You listening to a male ego.
Oh, now, wait a
minute, Florida...
No, Henry, you wait a minute.
Now, you hurt
because of your pride
and I love you for that.
But I also resent you for
not being just as proud of me
as I am of you.
I am proud of you, Florida.
It's just that I don't want
you to be a maid no more.
Them two don't
go together, Henry.
Your mother was a maid.
That's how your brothers
got through school
and you got to be a fireman.
My grandmother was a maid.
That's how my daddy
got a little schooling.
There are a lot of women,
Henry, on both sides of my family,
who worked all their
lives in white kitchens
so their kids could get some
of the things they should have.
You want to be proud
of something, Henry?
You be proud of them 'cause
they was all black women,
and I tell you there ain't never
been a better woman than that.
I'm going home
now, Miss Findlay.
I'll see you in the morning.
Right, Henry?
Mm.
Tell you what,
so that I don't have to
make this decision by myself,
I'm gonna hold up this match.
How many you see
here? One, right?
Now, you know you
can't do that trick on me.
Oh, here, wait a
minute. You didn't look.
Well, Maude, I guess we
learned a big lesson tonight.
Oh, we sure did.
Regardless of
race, color or creed,
you're all a bunch of
male chauvinist pigs.
♪ Oh, what a beautiful morning ♪
♪ Oh, what a beautiful day ♪
Good morning, Mrs. Findlay.
Good morning.
You know, Florida,
the wonderful thing
about fighting with Walter
is that we always
reconcile afterwards.
And, Florida, last night we had
one of the great reconciliations
of all time.
Well, you can keep your
reconciliation, Mrs. Findlay.
With me and Henry,
it's forgive and forget.
And last night we had a
forgiving I'll never forget.
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪