Maude (1972–1978): Season 1, Episode 17 - Arthur Moves In - full transcript
Arthur is staying with the Findlay's, but he is overstaying his welcome.
[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
Just one more day.
Just one more day.
Crisp, crisp.
Medium, medium.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, let them worry about it.
Crisp, crisp, crisp.
Hi, Mrs. Findlay.
Beautiful day, isn't it?
Ernie, the last
milkman who told me
it was a beautiful
day at 7 in the morning
was found three weeks later
facedown in his cream cheese.
Just wanted to check
on this order here.
You never took prune yogurt
before or low-fat buttermilk.
The only one I know
who takes that is, uh,
Dr. Harmon next door.
Yeah, well, right now,
Dr. Harmon next door
is up in my shower,
singing Gilbert
and Sullivan off-key
and steaming all the
wallpaper off my ceiling.
May all his natural body
oils go right down the drain.
Oh, I get it. He's here
because of that fire in his house.
Bingo, bright milkman.
He is here because
of that fire in his house.
Ernie, please,
get the buttermilk.
Maude... Don't tell
me, you're Mark Spitz
doing an orange
juice commercial.
Permit me to introduce myself.
My name is Maude Findlay.
I am your wife.
What's that mean? That means
that ever since
Arthur has been here,
you've hardly come to bed.
Last night I was in
bed promptly at 1 a.m.
I'm sorry to hear that, Walter.
Because you weren't
in our bed until 2:30.
Come on, Maude. I was down
here playing cribbage with Arthur.
Now, if you'll excuse
me, I'll take my shower
in the utility bathroom.
Why must Arthur
always use our bathroom?
Why can't he shower
in the utility bathroom?
Ooh, one more day...
Oh, I see you and
Mr. Findlay play cribbage.
No. Dr. Harmon and
Mr. Findlay play cribbage.
Is it tough to learn?
I don't see why.
All you do is move those little
pegs up and down the board
and drink beer, belch
a lot and tell dirty jokes.
WALTER: Holy mackerel!
What was that?
Ernie, please.
You're becoming
too involved in my life.
I'm not ready for it.
Maude, we're gonna
have to boil some water.
Why? Are you gonna have a baby?
I just want to wash my face.
Arthur used up
all the hot water.
How can...? How can anyone
spend so much
time in the shower?
And with such a little body.
But then again, how can anybody
put a shirt in the
washing machine
with a quarter of a pound
of Kleenex in the pocket?
And how can anyone
spread prune yogurt
between two Lorna Doones?
Maude, I know having
Arthur here is no picnic for you,
but I've been trying to
keep him out of your hair.
I took him bowling one night.
The night before that,
we went to the fights.
Last night we played cribbage.
I'm doing my best to help.
Thank you, Walter. And if you
want to help me some more,
when Mommy goes
upstairs to tell Arthur
that his breakfast is ready,
you stay down
here like a good boy
and poison his coffee.
If it isn't Mark Spitz.
I know, I know.
Good morning.
Honey, I'm awfully
glad you're here.
Tell me, Carol,
do you like my poached eggs?
Poached eggs are poached eggs.
That's what I always thought.
So all my life, I've
been cooking them
in those little round
cups, but Arthur says, "No.
"First you must bring the
water up to a furious boil.
"Then make a whirlpool
with a wooden spoon.
"Now, it must be wooden so
as not to give a metallic taste
"to the water and
thence to the egg.
"Then take said
egg and very gently
"slide it from the dish
into the eye of the whirlpool."
It's enough to make
Julia Child lose her ladle.
Where's Phillip?
Oh, he went to
school, uh, before dawn
so he could use the bathroom.
Hello, is there a
doctor in the house?
Yes. Bye.
Florida, come on in.
Good morning.
Good morning, Carol.
What are you carrying?
Mm, Dr. Harmon asked
me to iron some shirts,
so I did it at home last night.
Of all the nerve!
That's nothing. He also
wanted his socks darned
and his jockey
shorts stay-puffed.
My great grandmother
didn't work this hard,
and she was a slave.
Good morning, Florida.
Good morning, Mr. Findlay.
Arthur shouldn't ask
Florida to do work like that.
You should mention that to him.
No, I have a better idea.
When he comes in for breakfast,
I'll smile sweetly at him,
and when he isn't looking,
I'll slip him into the
eye of the whirlpool.
♪ I'm called Little Buttercup ♪
♪ Dear Little Buttercup ♪
♪ Though I can never tell why ♪
♪ But still I am Buttercup ♪
Carol, get me a shovel. I'm
gonna plant Little Buttercup.
Good morning, all.
Good morning, Arthur.
Ah, thank you, Maudie.
Hey, Arthur, you expect me
to read the paper
in this condition?
You don't have to. I read it.
What do you wanna know?
The Liberals are still fighting,
the Democrats are broke,
and Mary Worth had her
purse snatched by a junkie.
Okay, Arthur.
Your water is boiling.
Your egg is on
the launching pad.
Start the count.
Start the countdown.
Carol, would you like one too?
No, thanks, Mother.
I couldn't put an egg
through all that
trouble just for me.
I'm late. I better
get on my bicycle.
Bicycle.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
What's so funny?
[BOTH LAUGHING LOUDER]
Come on, come
on. Let me in on it.
What, what, what?
It's nothing, Maude.
Just a joke we heard
at the bowling
alley the other night.
"Because elephants
don't ride bicycles."
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Because elephants
don't ride bicycles.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, come on,
Walter. Now, tell me.
I mean, I may not
look it, but I am over 18.
It's a man's joke, Maude.
You wouldn't appreciate it.
All right, then don't tell me.
I don't need your help.
I'll get Phillip to tell me.
Hey, did you read this?
Oh, yeah.
What? What? What, what,
what? Not you, Maude.
It's about basketball.
You wouldn't understand.
What do you mean I wouldn't
understand? I'm a college grad...
All right, you've
made your point.
You can tell Arthur
his egg is ready.
Arthur, your egg is ready.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
What do you mean,
"Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh"?
Maudie, I don't want you
to think I'm finickity, now,
but if you make
left-to-right whirlpools
instead of
right-to-left whirlpools,
it does a much better
job. I don't know why.
It seems to gather
up the whites better.
Look, why don't I
give that one to Walter.
Walter, try to make
up for my failure
and eat it counterclockwise.
I know, counterclockwise.
Good morning, Dr. Harmon.
Good morning, Florida.
Try not to spill anything
on that shirt, will you?
Oh, by the way, Mrs. Findlay,
I'm about to make the beds.
Are there any check-ins
or checkouts today?
Uh, no, Florida.
But when you short-sheet
the bed in the den,
be sure it's left-to-right,
not right-to-left.
Maude. No, no, no, no,
leave her be, Walter. Maudie
has a right to be aggravated.
I know I'm not the easiest
man in the world to live with.
You're kidding.
No, it's true. Even my...
Even my Agnes told me that.
I remember, she said, "Arthur,
you are not the easiest
man in the world to live with."
And then she died.
Marvelous woman.
And a prophet before her time.
Well, old buddy,
our home is your home
as long as you want.
Right, Maude?
Right, as long as
you want, Arthur.
One more day.
Well, I think I better
get on the stick.
Oh, uh, I don't wanna be
too much trouble, Maudie.
Why don't I get
breakfast downtown?
Arthur, the next time you
want an egg a certain way,
I'm gonna give you
an egg a certain way.
[PHONE RINGING]
That's probably for me.
Dr. Harmon here.
Oh, hello, Mrs. Martel.
How's that finger of yours?
I see.
Still draining, is it?
No, no, no. That's
a very good sign.
Nothing to worry about.
♪ It isn't draining drain
You know it's draining ♪
[LAUGHS]
She's like you. She
likes a good joke.
Well, when the
nail falls off, call me.
Oh, Maudie, don't
be so squeamish.
Just a little shop talk.
[PHONE RINGING]
I'll get it, Maudie.
One more day.
Hello. Oh, Harvey.
Say, how's it going?
Oh. Oh, really?
[HISSES] Complications, huh?
Oh, that's too bad.
[GASPS] That's terrible.
Well, listen, is there
anything I can do?
No.
Well, you can't win 'em all.
Yeah. Thanks for calling.
Arthur, that's awful.
A patient of yours?
Worse, my house. It won't
be ready for two more weeks.
Two weeks? Well,
it's an old house.
They're having trouble
replacing certain things.
Walter, I think I better
sign into a motel.
Aw, don't be ridiculous.
You're staying right here.
Hey, where did this come from?
Isn't that great? That's
a surprise for Phillip.
Are you crazy, Arthur?
Carol hates war toys,
and so does Maude.
You can't give that to Phillip.
Oh. Well, I don't wanna
cause any trouble,
even though they're both wrong.
Kind of a shame, isn't it?
Machine guns are kind
of fun, don't you think?
[AS CAGNEY] All right, you
guys. I'm gonna give it to you
just the way you
gave it to my sister.
[IMITATES GUNSHOTS]
[GUN RATTLING]
Arthur.
Arthur Harmon,
what is that gun
doing in this house?
Maudie, it's just a toy.
A war toy, Arthur,
in this house?
I bought it for
my... My grandson.
I'm gonna give it
to him tomorrow.
Right, Walter? Right.
Just be sure that
Phillip doesn't see it.
Don't worry, he won't.
But Phillip has to learn
those things sometime.
In this world, it's dog-eat-dog.
And vice versa.
Now he's bringing
war toys into the house.
Walter, one more day. Maude.
Twenty-four hours, Walter.
I am clinging to that
like a drowning woman.
Maude. A drowning woman, Walter.
Maude, there's
trouble with his house.
He'll be here two more weeks.
Maude Findlay lost at sea.
Maude, I don't know why
you're so upset about Arthur.
I know it's an inconvenience
for a couple of weeks,
but he's our friend, and
you put up with friends.
By the way, I'll
be a little late.
Arthur and I have tickets
for the lumberjack show.
Do you mean to tell me, Walter,
that the two of you are going
to go out together again tonight?
Walter, did you ever think
of asking me? Did you?
Did you ever think of asking me?
Okay, Maude.
Can I go out with
Arthur tonight?
God'll get you for that, Walter.
Maude, it's tree-climbing,
log-rolling, rail-splitting.
I didn't think you'd
be interested.
Didn't think I'd be interested
in rail-splitting?
I am shocked.
I adore rail-splitting.
It is my favorite pastime,
next to log-rolling.
What do you want
from me? An invitation.
All right. You're invited.
Thank you, but I've
already made other plans.
Do you want me to stay?
Is that what you
want? I didn't say that.
I'll stay home. You'll
do no such thing.
You wanna go with me.
You don't wanna go with me.
You want me to
stay home with you.
You don't want me
to stay home with you.
You haven't told
me what you want,
so I don't know what you want!
Tacky excuses, Walter.
Feeble, tacky excuses.
I give up. It's only
7:30 in the morning,
and I've already put
in a full day of arguing.
Either I stay or I go, Maude.
Go, Walter. Go, go.
And after the lumberjack show,
why don't you and Arthur
round out the evening
at a massage parlor,
where Miss Lily
can put you into orbit
with her dancing vibrators?
Good night!
What was that all about?
After all these years,
I have finally found
the perfect marriage.
Walter and Arthur.
Why am I hitting myself?
Why am I talking to myself?
That's why. He's not home yet.
I have to do something
to stay awake.
ANNOUNCER: And
Johnny's guests tonight
are Horst Bucholtz, Allen
Ludden and Betty White,
and Melvin Laird.
I'd rather hit myself.
Mother, I'm all
out of hand lotion.
Do you mind if I borrow yours?
What are you reading?
Oh, pornography,
dear. You wouldn't like it.
"How to Play Cribbage."
Some pornography.
Well, when you're 47,
you clutch at straws.
Mother, you're not fooling
anyone. You're feeling left out.
And you're reading
that to get back in.
All right.
But how would you feel if your
husband went out every night
with his best friend
and totally ignored you?
Mother, you're
acting like a child.
Don't you think I know
I'm acting like a child?
Don't you think I
know that, Carol?
That's why I have to stay up
until Walter gets home tonight,
so that I can... I
can apologize to him.
I can get down on my
knees, if necessary,
to beg his forgiveness
for my childish
emotional outburst...
which he deserved.
Every word of it.
I know, I know, I'm being silly.
It's high time I
remembered I'm an adult.
That's more like it.
Thank you, dear.
Now, where the hell
are Laurel and Hardy?
I mean, they can't still
be at the lumberjack show.
It's almost midnight. Even I
can climb a tree faster than that.
Mother, insecurity
is for children.
It used to be, Carol. Now
they make it for adults too.
[THUMPING]
They're home. They're home.
What are you doing?
How should I know?
I saw it once in a
Carole Lombard movie.
It kept Clark Gable from going
to Shanghai with Walter Slezak.
Sweetheart, now,
get out of here,
and let me start remembering
to act like an adult.
Oh.
[WALTER WHISTLING]
Oh, sorry I'm so late, Maude.
Better late than never, Clark.
Who?
Oh, never mind.
Darling, I'm so
glad you're home.
You're up kind of late,
aren't you, Maude?
Darling, I had to wake
up so that I could...
I could apologize for losing
my temper this morning.
Darling, do you forgive me?
Sure.
Oh, sweetheart,
I've missed you so,
and my heart has been aching
because I was so cruel
to you this morning,
but, Walter, darling, I'm
gonna make it up to you.
I'm going to make it up to you
like you've never had it
made up to you before.
Because I love you, Walter.
Walter, I adore you.
[SNIFFING]
That new bathroom
spray is not bad.
Walter, that's Night of Love.
No kidding? Do
they have it in pine?
No, but I could get
you something in pine.
Oh, could I get you
something in pine.
Why are you wearing
your bathrobe?
To go downstairs.
I promised Arthur
I'd finish that cribbage
game with him.
Walter, I just ap...
I apologized to you.
And I accepted.
Walter, when a...
When a passionate,
warm, seductive
woman apologizes,
she expects to kiss and make up.
Oh, okay.
Even the godfather
gives a hotter kiss
when he puts out a contract!
Let's not start in again, Maude.
Arthur's downstairs,
making a snack.
We're gonna set out
the cribbage... Please,
no more bulletins on Arthur,
unless you hear him being
pistol-whipped by a prowler...
in which case I'll make
hot cocoa for everyone.
Very funny, Maude.
Then why don't you laugh,
Walter? Why don't you laugh?
You laugh at
everything Arthur says.
"Elephants don't ride bicycles."
How come you
never laugh with me?
Want me to laugh with you? Yes.
I'll laugh with you.
Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha.
Walter, Walter, don't you see?
He's driving us apart.
He's been in the
house only three days,
and already you're
questioning your marriage.
Who's questioning? I'm
very happy with our marriage.
No, you're not.
You're... You're eating
yourself up inside
because your friend
downstairs is footloose,
free to come and
go as he pleases,
no wife to tie him down.
Isn't that what
you want, Walter?
No. Don't lie to me, Walter.
Let me tell you,
it's not easy
being a wife, either.
For example, just once, Walter,
just one day,
I would love to drop my
dirty clothes on the floor
and then find them
magically cleaned and folded,
and neatly put away in the
drawer all on the same day.
Now, who do you
think does that, Walter?
Who do you think
does that, Walter?!
Who? Who? Who?
Maude, if you're
through apologizing,
I'll go downstairs.
Walter Findlay, I
haven't finished...
[CRASHING, SHATTERING]
That was my good casserole dish.
He's broken my
good casserole dish.
How do you know? It
sounded like a glass.
Look, I know my crockery,
and that was a casserole dish.
[GLASS SHATTERING]
That was a glass.
Look, Walter, he
has got to leave.
I mean, he's not only
trying to wreck our marriage.
Now he's starting
in on the house.
Maude... He has got to leave.
Maude.
Maude, wait a minute.
Please, you can't do this. Oh.
Maudie, Maudie, Maudie, Maudie,
I'm afraid I had an accident.
I broke one of your dishes.
And my heart,
but don't worry about it,
Arthur. Walter, tell him.
[MOUTHS] Out.
Tell me what, Walter?
Never mind, Arthur.
Maude, be reasonable.
You have 30 seconds, Walter.
All systems are go and counting.
Twenty-eight, 27...
Maude, stop that counting.
If I can do it for an egg,
I can do it for Arthur.
Twenty-five... Wait
a minute, Maudie.
Am I involved?
Only for the next 18 seconds,
and then you're out of it.
Fifteen, 14...
Okay, Maude, you
want me to get rid of him?
I'll get rid of him.
"Get rid of him"?
Stay there, Arthur.
What are you gonna do?
I'll get rid of him.
The only way to make sure
you get rid of somebody for good
is to rub him out.
Okay, Arthur, baby. This is war.
Wait! [GUN RATTLING]
Give me that gun.
I'm gonna blast you
right through your
tuna fish sandwich.
Men, we're under attack.
You can keep your machine gun.
Hand grenade!
Whoo.
That's a dud, Arthur. You
should've used a Macintosh.
Do you surrender? Not as long
as there's a banana
left in the supply.
Pow, pow, pow, pow.
[GUN STOPS] Pow, pow.
Arthur, it's jammed.
No wonder the
Japanese lost the war.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Give me it. Maybe I can fix it.
Come on, give me that gun.
All right, you dirty rats,
I'm gonna give it to you just
the way you gave it to me.
[GUN RATTLING] ARTHUR: Wait!
Walter, she's got it working.
That's my girl.
Don't you "that's my
girl" me, Walter Findlay.
This, Walter Findlay,
is for the cribbage!
[GUN RATTLING]
And this is for the log-rolling!
[GUN RATTLING]
And this is for the poached eggs
[GUN RATTLING] in the whirlpool!
Maude. Maude, you'll
wake up the neighborhood.
I don't care about
the neighborhood.
I don't care. I don't care.
I don't care.
Mother, Mother, it's
1:00 in the morning.
Maude, stop that.
I don't wanna stop!
CAROL: Mother, please.
[GUN STOPS]
[PANTING]
You okay?
Go to bed, Carol. We're
just having a little fun.
Maude, if I upset you
with the gun, I'm sorry.
I only did it to show you how
silly you were about Arthur.
Listen, you two, I think
I'd better go to a motel.
Oh, no. Please don't.
I'd rather have the two of
you operating out of the house.
Do you realize that
this is the first thing
that we have done
together since you arrived,
and I had to use
a gun to join you?
I mean, why couldn't...?
Why couldn't you have
included me in just once?
Well, we meant to, Maude.
We never meant to cut you out.
No, you get a couple of guys
and it's like Saturday night.
Why didn't you say
that was all you wanted?
I tried.
I just couldn't bring
myself to say...
[SOBBING] I'm jealous.
You finks.
Maude, come over
here and sit down.
No, Walter. Maude?
Listen, Walter, I...
Arthur, sit down.
Okay, Walter.
Arthur?
Yeah?
Is there such a thing as
three-handed cribbage?
Huh? Heh. Well, there is now.
Now, Maude, the first
thing to remember...
Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. What's the matter?
Now, do you really mean
that I'm going to be
included in on everything?
Absolutely. Sure.
Good.
Then tell me:
[SOBBING] why don't
elephants ride bicycles?
Oh, darling, I'm...
I'm so sorry I was
so upset with you.
I mean,
now that Arthur has moved
back into his own house,
I... I feel nothing but
warmth and love for you
because we're alone
and together again.
[SNORING]
[SIGHS] Thank you, Walter.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
Just one more day.
Just one more day.
Crisp, crisp.
Medium, medium.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, let them worry about it.
Crisp, crisp, crisp.
Hi, Mrs. Findlay.
Beautiful day, isn't it?
Ernie, the last
milkman who told me
it was a beautiful
day at 7 in the morning
was found three weeks later
facedown in his cream cheese.
Just wanted to check
on this order here.
You never took prune yogurt
before or low-fat buttermilk.
The only one I know
who takes that is, uh,
Dr. Harmon next door.
Yeah, well, right now,
Dr. Harmon next door
is up in my shower,
singing Gilbert
and Sullivan off-key
and steaming all the
wallpaper off my ceiling.
May all his natural body
oils go right down the drain.
Oh, I get it. He's here
because of that fire in his house.
Bingo, bright milkman.
He is here because
of that fire in his house.
Ernie, please,
get the buttermilk.
Maude... Don't tell
me, you're Mark Spitz
doing an orange
juice commercial.
Permit me to introduce myself.
My name is Maude Findlay.
I am your wife.
What's that mean? That means
that ever since
Arthur has been here,
you've hardly come to bed.
Last night I was in
bed promptly at 1 a.m.
I'm sorry to hear that, Walter.
Because you weren't
in our bed until 2:30.
Come on, Maude. I was down
here playing cribbage with Arthur.
Now, if you'll excuse
me, I'll take my shower
in the utility bathroom.
Why must Arthur
always use our bathroom?
Why can't he shower
in the utility bathroom?
Ooh, one more day...
Oh, I see you and
Mr. Findlay play cribbage.
No. Dr. Harmon and
Mr. Findlay play cribbage.
Is it tough to learn?
I don't see why.
All you do is move those little
pegs up and down the board
and drink beer, belch
a lot and tell dirty jokes.
WALTER: Holy mackerel!
What was that?
Ernie, please.
You're becoming
too involved in my life.
I'm not ready for it.
Maude, we're gonna
have to boil some water.
Why? Are you gonna have a baby?
I just want to wash my face.
Arthur used up
all the hot water.
How can...? How can anyone
spend so much
time in the shower?
And with such a little body.
But then again, how can anybody
put a shirt in the
washing machine
with a quarter of a pound
of Kleenex in the pocket?
And how can anyone
spread prune yogurt
between two Lorna Doones?
Maude, I know having
Arthur here is no picnic for you,
but I've been trying to
keep him out of your hair.
I took him bowling one night.
The night before that,
we went to the fights.
Last night we played cribbage.
I'm doing my best to help.
Thank you, Walter. And if you
want to help me some more,
when Mommy goes
upstairs to tell Arthur
that his breakfast is ready,
you stay down
here like a good boy
and poison his coffee.
If it isn't Mark Spitz.
I know, I know.
Good morning.
Honey, I'm awfully
glad you're here.
Tell me, Carol,
do you like my poached eggs?
Poached eggs are poached eggs.
That's what I always thought.
So all my life, I've
been cooking them
in those little round
cups, but Arthur says, "No.
"First you must bring the
water up to a furious boil.
"Then make a whirlpool
with a wooden spoon.
"Now, it must be wooden so
as not to give a metallic taste
"to the water and
thence to the egg.
"Then take said
egg and very gently
"slide it from the dish
into the eye of the whirlpool."
It's enough to make
Julia Child lose her ladle.
Where's Phillip?
Oh, he went to
school, uh, before dawn
so he could use the bathroom.
Hello, is there a
doctor in the house?
Yes. Bye.
Florida, come on in.
Good morning.
Good morning, Carol.
What are you carrying?
Mm, Dr. Harmon asked
me to iron some shirts,
so I did it at home last night.
Of all the nerve!
That's nothing. He also
wanted his socks darned
and his jockey
shorts stay-puffed.
My great grandmother
didn't work this hard,
and she was a slave.
Good morning, Florida.
Good morning, Mr. Findlay.
Arthur shouldn't ask
Florida to do work like that.
You should mention that to him.
No, I have a better idea.
When he comes in for breakfast,
I'll smile sweetly at him,
and when he isn't looking,
I'll slip him into the
eye of the whirlpool.
♪ I'm called Little Buttercup ♪
♪ Dear Little Buttercup ♪
♪ Though I can never tell why ♪
♪ But still I am Buttercup ♪
Carol, get me a shovel. I'm
gonna plant Little Buttercup.
Good morning, all.
Good morning, Arthur.
Ah, thank you, Maudie.
Hey, Arthur, you expect me
to read the paper
in this condition?
You don't have to. I read it.
What do you wanna know?
The Liberals are still fighting,
the Democrats are broke,
and Mary Worth had her
purse snatched by a junkie.
Okay, Arthur.
Your water is boiling.
Your egg is on
the launching pad.
Start the count.
Start the countdown.
Carol, would you like one too?
No, thanks, Mother.
I couldn't put an egg
through all that
trouble just for me.
I'm late. I better
get on my bicycle.
Bicycle.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
What's so funny?
[BOTH LAUGHING LOUDER]
Come on, come
on. Let me in on it.
What, what, what?
It's nothing, Maude.
Just a joke we heard
at the bowling
alley the other night.
"Because elephants
don't ride bicycles."
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Because elephants
don't ride bicycles.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, come on,
Walter. Now, tell me.
I mean, I may not
look it, but I am over 18.
It's a man's joke, Maude.
You wouldn't appreciate it.
All right, then don't tell me.
I don't need your help.
I'll get Phillip to tell me.
Hey, did you read this?
Oh, yeah.
What? What? What, what,
what? Not you, Maude.
It's about basketball.
You wouldn't understand.
What do you mean I wouldn't
understand? I'm a college grad...
All right, you've
made your point.
You can tell Arthur
his egg is ready.
Arthur, your egg is ready.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
What do you mean,
"Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh"?
Maudie, I don't want you
to think I'm finickity, now,
but if you make
left-to-right whirlpools
instead of
right-to-left whirlpools,
it does a much better
job. I don't know why.
It seems to gather
up the whites better.
Look, why don't I
give that one to Walter.
Walter, try to make
up for my failure
and eat it counterclockwise.
I know, counterclockwise.
Good morning, Dr. Harmon.
Good morning, Florida.
Try not to spill anything
on that shirt, will you?
Oh, by the way, Mrs. Findlay,
I'm about to make the beds.
Are there any check-ins
or checkouts today?
Uh, no, Florida.
But when you short-sheet
the bed in the den,
be sure it's left-to-right,
not right-to-left.
Maude. No, no, no, no,
leave her be, Walter. Maudie
has a right to be aggravated.
I know I'm not the easiest
man in the world to live with.
You're kidding.
No, it's true. Even my...
Even my Agnes told me that.
I remember, she said, "Arthur,
you are not the easiest
man in the world to live with."
And then she died.
Marvelous woman.
And a prophet before her time.
Well, old buddy,
our home is your home
as long as you want.
Right, Maude?
Right, as long as
you want, Arthur.
One more day.
Well, I think I better
get on the stick.
Oh, uh, I don't wanna be
too much trouble, Maudie.
Why don't I get
breakfast downtown?
Arthur, the next time you
want an egg a certain way,
I'm gonna give you
an egg a certain way.
[PHONE RINGING]
That's probably for me.
Dr. Harmon here.
Oh, hello, Mrs. Martel.
How's that finger of yours?
I see.
Still draining, is it?
No, no, no. That's
a very good sign.
Nothing to worry about.
♪ It isn't draining drain
You know it's draining ♪
[LAUGHS]
She's like you. She
likes a good joke.
Well, when the
nail falls off, call me.
Oh, Maudie, don't
be so squeamish.
Just a little shop talk.
[PHONE RINGING]
I'll get it, Maudie.
One more day.
Hello. Oh, Harvey.
Say, how's it going?
Oh. Oh, really?
[HISSES] Complications, huh?
Oh, that's too bad.
[GASPS] That's terrible.
Well, listen, is there
anything I can do?
No.
Well, you can't win 'em all.
Yeah. Thanks for calling.
Arthur, that's awful.
A patient of yours?
Worse, my house. It won't
be ready for two more weeks.
Two weeks? Well,
it's an old house.
They're having trouble
replacing certain things.
Walter, I think I better
sign into a motel.
Aw, don't be ridiculous.
You're staying right here.
Hey, where did this come from?
Isn't that great? That's
a surprise for Phillip.
Are you crazy, Arthur?
Carol hates war toys,
and so does Maude.
You can't give that to Phillip.
Oh. Well, I don't wanna
cause any trouble,
even though they're both wrong.
Kind of a shame, isn't it?
Machine guns are kind
of fun, don't you think?
[AS CAGNEY] All right, you
guys. I'm gonna give it to you
just the way you
gave it to my sister.
[IMITATES GUNSHOTS]
[GUN RATTLING]
Arthur.
Arthur Harmon,
what is that gun
doing in this house?
Maudie, it's just a toy.
A war toy, Arthur,
in this house?
I bought it for
my... My grandson.
I'm gonna give it
to him tomorrow.
Right, Walter? Right.
Just be sure that
Phillip doesn't see it.
Don't worry, he won't.
But Phillip has to learn
those things sometime.
In this world, it's dog-eat-dog.
And vice versa.
Now he's bringing
war toys into the house.
Walter, one more day. Maude.
Twenty-four hours, Walter.
I am clinging to that
like a drowning woman.
Maude. A drowning woman, Walter.
Maude, there's
trouble with his house.
He'll be here two more weeks.
Maude Findlay lost at sea.
Maude, I don't know why
you're so upset about Arthur.
I know it's an inconvenience
for a couple of weeks,
but he's our friend, and
you put up with friends.
By the way, I'll
be a little late.
Arthur and I have tickets
for the lumberjack show.
Do you mean to tell me, Walter,
that the two of you are going
to go out together again tonight?
Walter, did you ever think
of asking me? Did you?
Did you ever think of asking me?
Okay, Maude.
Can I go out with
Arthur tonight?
God'll get you for that, Walter.
Maude, it's tree-climbing,
log-rolling, rail-splitting.
I didn't think you'd
be interested.
Didn't think I'd be interested
in rail-splitting?
I am shocked.
I adore rail-splitting.
It is my favorite pastime,
next to log-rolling.
What do you want
from me? An invitation.
All right. You're invited.
Thank you, but I've
already made other plans.
Do you want me to stay?
Is that what you
want? I didn't say that.
I'll stay home. You'll
do no such thing.
You wanna go with me.
You don't wanna go with me.
You want me to
stay home with you.
You don't want me
to stay home with you.
You haven't told
me what you want,
so I don't know what you want!
Tacky excuses, Walter.
Feeble, tacky excuses.
I give up. It's only
7:30 in the morning,
and I've already put
in a full day of arguing.
Either I stay or I go, Maude.
Go, Walter. Go, go.
And after the lumberjack show,
why don't you and Arthur
round out the evening
at a massage parlor,
where Miss Lily
can put you into orbit
with her dancing vibrators?
Good night!
What was that all about?
After all these years,
I have finally found
the perfect marriage.
Walter and Arthur.
Why am I hitting myself?
Why am I talking to myself?
That's why. He's not home yet.
I have to do something
to stay awake.
ANNOUNCER: And
Johnny's guests tonight
are Horst Bucholtz, Allen
Ludden and Betty White,
and Melvin Laird.
I'd rather hit myself.
Mother, I'm all
out of hand lotion.
Do you mind if I borrow yours?
What are you reading?
Oh, pornography,
dear. You wouldn't like it.
"How to Play Cribbage."
Some pornography.
Well, when you're 47,
you clutch at straws.
Mother, you're not fooling
anyone. You're feeling left out.
And you're reading
that to get back in.
All right.
But how would you feel if your
husband went out every night
with his best friend
and totally ignored you?
Mother, you're
acting like a child.
Don't you think I know
I'm acting like a child?
Don't you think I
know that, Carol?
That's why I have to stay up
until Walter gets home tonight,
so that I can... I
can apologize to him.
I can get down on my
knees, if necessary,
to beg his forgiveness
for my childish
emotional outburst...
which he deserved.
Every word of it.
I know, I know, I'm being silly.
It's high time I
remembered I'm an adult.
That's more like it.
Thank you, dear.
Now, where the hell
are Laurel and Hardy?
I mean, they can't still
be at the lumberjack show.
It's almost midnight. Even I
can climb a tree faster than that.
Mother, insecurity
is for children.
It used to be, Carol. Now
they make it for adults too.
[THUMPING]
They're home. They're home.
What are you doing?
How should I know?
I saw it once in a
Carole Lombard movie.
It kept Clark Gable from going
to Shanghai with Walter Slezak.
Sweetheart, now,
get out of here,
and let me start remembering
to act like an adult.
Oh.
[WALTER WHISTLING]
Oh, sorry I'm so late, Maude.
Better late than never, Clark.
Who?
Oh, never mind.
Darling, I'm so
glad you're home.
You're up kind of late,
aren't you, Maude?
Darling, I had to wake
up so that I could...
I could apologize for losing
my temper this morning.
Darling, do you forgive me?
Sure.
Oh, sweetheart,
I've missed you so,
and my heart has been aching
because I was so cruel
to you this morning,
but, Walter, darling, I'm
gonna make it up to you.
I'm going to make it up to you
like you've never had it
made up to you before.
Because I love you, Walter.
Walter, I adore you.
[SNIFFING]
That new bathroom
spray is not bad.
Walter, that's Night of Love.
No kidding? Do
they have it in pine?
No, but I could get
you something in pine.
Oh, could I get you
something in pine.
Why are you wearing
your bathrobe?
To go downstairs.
I promised Arthur
I'd finish that cribbage
game with him.
Walter, I just ap...
I apologized to you.
And I accepted.
Walter, when a...
When a passionate,
warm, seductive
woman apologizes,
she expects to kiss and make up.
Oh, okay.
Even the godfather
gives a hotter kiss
when he puts out a contract!
Let's not start in again, Maude.
Arthur's downstairs,
making a snack.
We're gonna set out
the cribbage... Please,
no more bulletins on Arthur,
unless you hear him being
pistol-whipped by a prowler...
in which case I'll make
hot cocoa for everyone.
Very funny, Maude.
Then why don't you laugh,
Walter? Why don't you laugh?
You laugh at
everything Arthur says.
"Elephants don't ride bicycles."
How come you
never laugh with me?
Want me to laugh with you? Yes.
I'll laugh with you.
Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha.
Walter, Walter, don't you see?
He's driving us apart.
He's been in the
house only three days,
and already you're
questioning your marriage.
Who's questioning? I'm
very happy with our marriage.
No, you're not.
You're... You're eating
yourself up inside
because your friend
downstairs is footloose,
free to come and
go as he pleases,
no wife to tie him down.
Isn't that what
you want, Walter?
No. Don't lie to me, Walter.
Let me tell you,
it's not easy
being a wife, either.
For example, just once, Walter,
just one day,
I would love to drop my
dirty clothes on the floor
and then find them
magically cleaned and folded,
and neatly put away in the
drawer all on the same day.
Now, who do you
think does that, Walter?
Who do you think
does that, Walter?!
Who? Who? Who?
Maude, if you're
through apologizing,
I'll go downstairs.
Walter Findlay, I
haven't finished...
[CRASHING, SHATTERING]
That was my good casserole dish.
He's broken my
good casserole dish.
How do you know? It
sounded like a glass.
Look, I know my crockery,
and that was a casserole dish.
[GLASS SHATTERING]
That was a glass.
Look, Walter, he
has got to leave.
I mean, he's not only
trying to wreck our marriage.
Now he's starting
in on the house.
Maude... He has got to leave.
Maude.
Maude, wait a minute.
Please, you can't do this. Oh.
Maudie, Maudie, Maudie, Maudie,
I'm afraid I had an accident.
I broke one of your dishes.
And my heart,
but don't worry about it,
Arthur. Walter, tell him.
[MOUTHS] Out.
Tell me what, Walter?
Never mind, Arthur.
Maude, be reasonable.
You have 30 seconds, Walter.
All systems are go and counting.
Twenty-eight, 27...
Maude, stop that counting.
If I can do it for an egg,
I can do it for Arthur.
Twenty-five... Wait
a minute, Maudie.
Am I involved?
Only for the next 18 seconds,
and then you're out of it.
Fifteen, 14...
Okay, Maude, you
want me to get rid of him?
I'll get rid of him.
"Get rid of him"?
Stay there, Arthur.
What are you gonna do?
I'll get rid of him.
The only way to make sure
you get rid of somebody for good
is to rub him out.
Okay, Arthur, baby. This is war.
Wait! [GUN RATTLING]
Give me that gun.
I'm gonna blast you
right through your
tuna fish sandwich.
Men, we're under attack.
You can keep your machine gun.
Hand grenade!
Whoo.
That's a dud, Arthur. You
should've used a Macintosh.
Do you surrender? Not as long
as there's a banana
left in the supply.
Pow, pow, pow, pow.
[GUN STOPS] Pow, pow.
Arthur, it's jammed.
No wonder the
Japanese lost the war.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Give me it. Maybe I can fix it.
Come on, give me that gun.
All right, you dirty rats,
I'm gonna give it to you just
the way you gave it to me.
[GUN RATTLING] ARTHUR: Wait!
Walter, she's got it working.
That's my girl.
Don't you "that's my
girl" me, Walter Findlay.
This, Walter Findlay,
is for the cribbage!
[GUN RATTLING]
And this is for the log-rolling!
[GUN RATTLING]
And this is for the poached eggs
[GUN RATTLING] in the whirlpool!
Maude. Maude, you'll
wake up the neighborhood.
I don't care about
the neighborhood.
I don't care. I don't care.
I don't care.
Mother, Mother, it's
1:00 in the morning.
Maude, stop that.
I don't wanna stop!
CAROL: Mother, please.
[GUN STOPS]
[PANTING]
You okay?
Go to bed, Carol. We're
just having a little fun.
Maude, if I upset you
with the gun, I'm sorry.
I only did it to show you how
silly you were about Arthur.
Listen, you two, I think
I'd better go to a motel.
Oh, no. Please don't.
I'd rather have the two of
you operating out of the house.
Do you realize that
this is the first thing
that we have done
together since you arrived,
and I had to use
a gun to join you?
I mean, why couldn't...?
Why couldn't you have
included me in just once?
Well, we meant to, Maude.
We never meant to cut you out.
No, you get a couple of guys
and it's like Saturday night.
Why didn't you say
that was all you wanted?
I tried.
I just couldn't bring
myself to say...
[SOBBING] I'm jealous.
You finks.
Maude, come over
here and sit down.
No, Walter. Maude?
Listen, Walter, I...
Arthur, sit down.
Okay, Walter.
Arthur?
Yeah?
Is there such a thing as
three-handed cribbage?
Huh? Heh. Well, there is now.
Now, Maude, the first
thing to remember...
Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. What's the matter?
Now, do you really mean
that I'm going to be
included in on everything?
Absolutely. Sure.
Good.
Then tell me:
[SOBBING] why don't
elephants ride bicycles?
Oh, darling, I'm...
I'm so sorry I was
so upset with you.
I mean,
now that Arthur has moved
back into his own house,
I... I feel nothing but
warmth and love for you
because we're alone
and together again.
[SNORING]
[SIGHS] Thank you, Walter.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪