Maude (1972–1978): Season 1, Episode 12 - The Grass Story - full transcript
Maude and her friends are determined to get arrested in protest after a 17 year-old kid is arrested for possession of marijuana.
[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
Please, Walter.
No, we're not through
arguing about this.
Look, we have
been arguing about it
since Wednesday night.
I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of it too.
And we've been arguing
since Tuesday night.
Look, Walter, I
distinctly remember
that it was Wednesday night
when we began our
present love-hate relationship.
Maude...
it was Tuesday
night that you told me
about this ridiculous
plan of yours.
Then you served
me a Mexican dinner,
because Lee Trevino
had talked about it on TV.
And since I was a golfer,
you thought I'd like it.
Walter, the Mexican dinner
was Wednesday night.
Tuesday, Maude.
I know because I
had gas all night.
Walter, don't you
think I remember
which night you
had gas all night?
Now, please, I have to be
down at the station house
in less than an hour.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
Oh, maybe that's
Jeff with the marijuana.
Maude, if that's your
nephew, forget it.
You're not gonna deliberately
get yourself arrested
for possession of marijuana,
good cause or no good cause.
Thank you, Walter.
Remember what Shakespeare said:
How sharper than
a serpent's tooth it is
to have a fink for a husband.
Fink?! I'm no fink.
These are union tomatoes.
Uh, how much?
Seventy-five cents a box.
Will you forget the
tomatoes, Maude?
We're talking about
you getting arrested
for possession of marijuana.
Look, you'll have to
forgive my husband.
He's himself this morning.
All right, go ahead
and blame me.
Just because a boxboy
at Frawley's Supermarket
got himself busted on
possession of marijuana charge,
and you and your dandy friends
want to get yourself arrested
on that same
charge as a protest,
I'm to blame.
Listen, uh, you're
sure the bottom ones
aren't soft and mushy?
Maude! Pay attention
when I'm yelling at you.
Look! Walter, 146 women
from all over the state
are going down to
their local police stations
to do exactly the same thing.
Now, does that sound like
just a bunch of my friends?
Gee, I don't know.
The bottom ones
feel mushy to me.
Okay, I'll ask your
friend over there.
Am I wrong in telling my wife
that I don't want
her to go to jail?
Listen, you know darn well
that they are not gonna put
a group of upper-middle-class
housewives into jail.
Now, listen, I've
been stuck before.
You sure the bottom
ones aren't mushy?
Lady, you gotta
take your chances.
In that case, I'll take one box.
Fine. Which one?
Wait a minute. Uh, which one?
I'll take the top of this box...
and the top of this.
Maude.
Now, you listen to reason.
Listen, Walter.
Harold Collins is 19 years old.
Do you realize that he faces
from three to
seven years in jail?
Walter... this is
something I have to do.
Okay, look, I'll tell you what:
I'll give you a check for $400
to help pay for
the kid's lawyer,
and we'll forget this
getting arrested thing, okay?
Oh, Walter.
Honey, that's
awfully sweet of you,
but it's really not necessary.
Well, thank you.
You already gave 500.
And listen, darling, I'm so
terribly sorry I'm so edgy,
but I-I'm exhausted.
I was so nervous
about this morning,
that I didn't sleep
a wink last night.
Well, why didn't you
take a couple of Seconals?
We're out of
Seconals, but I did take
two chloral hydrates
and a Librium,
and they didn't work.
Well, I took two
Miltown and a Doriden.
I slept like a lamb.
And snored like a moose.
No, I should have
taken two meprobamates
with a Nembutal instead
of the two chloral hydrates
with the Librium.
Phillip, cold knackwurst
for breakfast?
How can you put
that junk inside you?
Listen, sweetheart.
Would you like Grandma Maude
to make you a
nice little omelet?
No.
Thank God. If I had to cook
this time of the morning...
Look, sweetheart, it's
really time to go to school.
Come on, dear.
So long, Phillip.
Now, how about me, Maude?
Where's my breakfast?
Oh. I don't have time
to fix you your breakfast.
Here, have some cold knackwurst.
Knackwurst for breakfast?
With a diet like this,
I could get scurvy.
Here's a lime.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
Oh, I hope that's Jeff
with the marijuana.
He knows I've
been waiting for it.
There's not that
much... I'm coming!
I'm coming. I'm coming.
Oh, Jeff.
Hi, Aunt Maude.
Oh.
Oh, you got here in time, Jeff.
I knew I could count on you.
That's why you've always
been my favorite nephew.
I don't have the pot.
You're a loser, Jeff.
You've always
been a loser, Jeff.
Jeff, where is it?
Where is it, Jeff?!
It's really scarce, Aunt Maude.
There was a big
senior prom last night.
Oh. Listen, Jeff.
Go out on the streets.
Hang around playgrounds.
[GROANS]
Jeff, don't come back
without the marijuana.
My luck. I have to have
an aunt who's a head.
Walter, Jeff... A head of what?
Walter?
Walter, Jeff
blew it. He blew it.
He didn't bring the marijuana.
What am I going to do?
All the girls are expecting
me to supply the stuff.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] Oh.
Oh, Lorraine.
I'm so nervous,
Maude. Hello, Walter.
Uh, I guess that, uh,
you and the girls
are all ready to go?
We couldn't be readier. Yeah.
Shirley and Francis
have already left
in Rita's station wagon. Yeah?
Sue, Jane, Sally,
Joyce, you and I
are going to go
in my Volkswagen.
Well, that should
be a fun ride, Maude.
Uh, listen. Uh,
Lorraine, look. Yeah.
Why don't you go on ahead,
and I'll meet the
rest of you girls
down at the station?
There's nothing wrong, is there?
You do have the pot, don't you?
Do I have the pot?
[CHUCKLING] Walter, she
wants to know if I have the pot.
Tell her, Maude.
Uh, Lorraine, you
go on without me.
Oh, I thought we'd go together.
Well, no, I think it's
wise that we split up.
You know, in case you
have a fatal accident,
at least one of us
can get through.
Maude, you think of everything.
Yeah. Bye.
Walter. Walter, what
am I going to do?
What am I going to do?!
Maude, you tried and you failed,
and you can't do
any better than that.
Now, look, I'm sure the
kid's gonna be all right.
What are his parents
doing about this?
Oh, come on, Walter!
He's not some rich kid
whose parents can
buy his way out of it.
He's a poor kid
who supports himself
working in a supermarket.
I've got to get the marijuana.
I refuse to give up.
Good morning.
Oh, Carol.
Carol, honey, I have a
big favor to ask of you.
Mother, please spare me.
It's bad enough I had to listen
to you and Walter
argue all night.
We were not arguing.
I just had to speak very loud
because Walter
was trying to sleep.
Well, anyway, I feel awful.
Because of you, I
ended up taking a Valium.
Something I never do.
Oh, honey, you should have tried
a couple of Doriden.
I should have tried
a couple of earplugs.
Just wonder what I'm
gonna do all day at work.
Oh, honey, why
didn't you tell me?
I have just the thing for you.
That's what mommies are for.
Here, sweetheart.
Take a Ritalin.
It'll pick you up like that.
[SNAPS]
Now, then... I did you a favor,
you do me a favor.
Honey... I've got to
have some marijuana.
Now, please, Carol...
call one of your weird friends.
Mother, I would
love to help you,
but at the moment I don't
know anyone who smokes grass.
You raise a daughter
and what happens?
She turns out all right!
Who can I turn to? Who?
Morning, everybody.
[CHEERFULLY] Florida.
Mother, you're not
gonna involve Florida.
Oh, come on, now. She
is a member of the family.
Aren't you, Florida?
So far, nobody ever noticed
much of a family resemblance.
Listen, Florida, I
have to confide in you.
I need some marijuana.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Findlay.
I hate to disappoint you,
but on my salary,
I'm a Dr Pepper girl.
And after all I've
done for that woman.
Well, you heard her
say she couldn't help you.
Carol, please. Florida is black.
Now, don't tell me she
doesn't know any musicians.
Oh, hey, you know, Maude...
with a little sauerkraut,
knackwurst ain't
bad for breakfast.
Good morning, all.
Well, the good doctor.
Now, Maudie, be kind.
I'm not a well man.
Last night I attended a seminar
on preventive medicine.
I've got a hell of a hangover.
Arthur, as long as you're here,
Maude ran out of Seconals,
and I could use some
Miltown and some Librium.
Well, all right, Walter.
But I have to remind you again
that we do not approve of
people consuming substances
which could have
a deleterious effect
on their health.
Make me a bloody
mary. I think I'm dying.
Listen, Arthur... if
you don't feel well...
I am sincerely sorry.
Now, I really mean that, Arthur.
You didn't get the
marijuana, right?
That's too bad, Maudie.
Looks like you don't
have a pot to protest in.
Listen, Arthur. Arthur,
I desperately need your help.
Uh-uh. You're not gonna drag
me into this ludicrous scheme.
Arthur, listen,
you know darn well
they are not gonna put 146 wives
of prominent
businessmen into jail.
And with all the bad publicity,
they are not going to
put Harold Collins into jail.
Why not?
He had a quarter of
an ounce of marijuana.
That's a felony. Any
sensible kid would have had
a couple of joints
in his pocket.
That's a misdemeanor,
and the most he could get
would be a year in jail.
You know, that remark
makes just about as much sense
as the ridiculous marijuana law,
which I am against,
because it is too severe.
Arthur, the punishment
does not fit the crime.
It's terrible to
think of all the kids
using artificial
stimulants, like marijuana,
to solve all their problems.
Uh, this could use
a little more vodka.
Arthur, the American
Bar Association,
the President's Commission,
even your own
organization, the AMA,
all say the laws are too severe.
What's that got to do with it?
I'm talking about morality.
You start these young kids
off on pot, indiscriminate sex,
running off to Canada
to avoid the draft,
you know what it leads to?
You know what it leads to?!
Well, I'll tell you
what it leads to!
Jane Fonda.
Arthur, if that's what it
takes to get a Jane Fonda,
what the hell.
And to think that her father
once played Abraham Lincoln.
What's this great romance
you have going with marijuana?
Oh, look, Arthur, I smoke
as much grass as you do: none.
Arthur, you've got some nerve.
You're condemning Harold
while you're standing here,
dispensing drugs like
they're going out of style.
And on top of it, you're
hung over from drinking.
I did not deliberately
set out to get high.
There's a great difference
between myself and Collins.
Well, I gotta get
to the hospital.
Thanks for the drink.
Look at that,
shaking like a leaf.
Lucky for me, I don't
have to operate today.
Lucky for him?
Come to think of it,
it's lucky for everybody.
Excuse me, Mrs. Findlay, but...
a friend of your nephew's
left this at the back door.
He says you owe him $20.
Walter, give her the money.
Oh, Florida.
Florida, there is
a pot fairy after all.
Pot fairy?
Funny. The kid
looked normal to me.
So that's marijuana.
Looks just like
oregano, doesn't it?
Wonder what it smells like?
Doesn't smell like much
of anything till you light it.
Don't know anybody
who uses pot, huh?
[INHALES SHARPLY]
Maude.
Walter, what are you
doing with my marijuana?
Your marijuana?
Didn't I just pay $20 for
it? Oh, come on, Walter.
What does that
have to do with it?
If I paid for it, it's mine.
Now, look, Walter,
don't do this to me.
Give me my marijuana... Look...
and I'll give you
the money for it.
I don't want your $20, Maude.
Walter, I am not
talking about $20.
Here is 2 cents,
which, believe me, is
all your life will be worth
if you don't give me my pot.
Give me the pot!
[BOTH YELLING INAUDIBLY]
Now, look, all those
women are depending on me.
Harold Collins is depending
on me. Now, give me the pot.
Maude, you walk
into that police station
with that bag of marijuana,
and if they throw
anyone in jail,
it'll be you.
Walter, name me one housewife
they ever threw into jail.
Lizzie Borden.
Lizzie Borden never married.
No, but she was
going with somebody.
Maude, I am not giving
you my permission
to go through with this.
Walter. Permission?
Did you say your permission?
I'm your husband, Maude.
And I'm your wife, Walter,
but if you remember
our marriage vows,
they were "love,
honor and cherish."
Not "love, honor and obey."
Because it is very wrong
for one human being
to have to obey
another human being.
Now, do what I tell
you and give me the pot!
Not as long as you're
my wife, Maude.
The rights of the
individual stop
when it affects the marriage.
Walter, I am me. And I was me
long before I became Mrs. You.
You don't own me.
Okay, Maude... have it your way.
Here, you see this?
You know what's in here?
The name and telephone number
of a very
attractive little chick
that works for me
down at the store.
She's crazy about me.
She keeps telling me
how cute my bald spot is.
Wait, now, Walter,
what are you gonna do?
I'm gonna just give her a call
and ask her to spend
the weekend with me
in Atlantic City.
Walter, are you crazy?
Maude...
I'm doing this strictly
as an individual,
so it shouldn't affect
our marriage, should it?
Now, listen. Walter, look.
Walter, please put
the phone down.
Because, Walter, if you
don't put the phone down,
the next call you make
will be Dial-A-Prayer.
Now, Maude, you be reasonable.
You're gonna spend this
weekend in jail anyway.
Look, put the
phone down, Walter!
Look, maybe Arlene and I
will stop by on the way home,
and visit you in jail.
Oh. Hello, baby. Wally.
Wally? Yeah.
How about this
weekend in Atlantic City?
Walter, are you
out of your mind?!
Do you realize you
just ruined my weekend?
Listen, Walter... the
only thing you can do
to make me forgive you for this
is to give me the pot.
So the rights of the individual
do stop when it
affects the marriage.
Okay, Walter.
You win.
You've made your point.
I see there's nothing I can do.
You keep the pot.
What happened to the phone?
Oh, you know Maude.
Always redecorating.
She tore the phone
out of the wall?
It was an accident.
She wanted to tear the
wall out of the house.
Boy, that woman
is something else.
What are you talking about?
Your mother. She just
came into the kitchen,
grabbed some oregano and said:
"Florida, to hell with
it. I'm going to jail."
Then she sailed out of there.
Oregano? She took
oregano to the police station?
Well, maybe she thinks, uh,
the way I cook
Italian food is a crime.
Uh, are you the
Wally that just called
and invited me to spend
the weekend with you
in Atlantic City?
She's here! She's here!
She's coming! [ALL TALKING]
Oh, let me through.
Let me through.
[SQUEALS]
She'll be here in a second.
She's got the pot with her.
You'll be able to
arrest us all in a minute.
Thanks. I can't tell you
what a thrill it is for me
to able to break the
back of organized crime.
Would you mind moving to
the other part of the room?
We gotta clear this aisle. No.
Lady. You've heard
of police brutality?
We're animals when
we're unleashed.
All right. Ooh.
Go on, girls. Please. Oh.
ALL: ♪ We shall overcome ♪
Great, great. Ladies, ladies.
♪ We shall overcome ♪
Yes, ladies. Ladies, look.
I have the pot right
here. WOMEN: Ooh!
But listen. Why don't
you all stay up here,
and let me talk
to that gentleman?
Maybe I can make some
kind of a package deal,
rather than have to give
each of us her own private...
Oh. Right.
Oh, that Maude. She
thinks of everything. She is.
Sir, uh... But are you
the man I report to?
Yes, ma'am. Yes. All right.
Well, here. I have enough pot
to, uh, arrest myself
and my friends
for possessing more
than a quarter of an ounce.
I know, I know.
Well, fine. Then print
us, mug us, book us
and beat us up.
Lady, we need the evidence.
As far as beating you up goes...
one-on-one, I think we'd lose.
Uh, ladies.
Listen, come on. We're
going to be arrested.
[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Wait a minute, hold
it. Get back, get back.
Okay, lady, you win.
I'll take you first. All right.
Name, please?
Maude Findlay.
Married?
At the moment, barely.
Age?
Lady, how old are you?
Look, officer, if there's a law
that requires a
woman to tell her age,
I'm gonna protest that too.
Now, get on with it.
Okay. I'll just put down
how old I think you look. Yeah.
Forty-seven. And I
just saved your life.
Maude. Maude.
He wants to take a picture
of you getting arrested.
Wait. That's
against regulations.
Oh, come on. Smile,
sergeant. Try to look pleasant.
Think of it as one
small step for mankind.
Oh.
Okay, lady, you
got your picture.
Now, give me the
marijuana or no arrests.
And that's final.
Okay.
Uh... No need to do that.
I mean, if you've seen
one bag of marijuana,
you've seen them all.
Wait a minute, lady.
That don't look like marijuana.
Yeah, all right. I'll
give you one more look.
I didn't get a good look,
but I got a good smell.
That's oregano.
You know it's amazing
how many people
who don't know the
real stuff think that.
Lady, I'm Italian.
I've been on
oregano all my life.
I knew you were Italian.
You remind me of
some famous person.
I can't remember who.
Mrs. Findlay...
there's no Italian celebrity
that's gonna flatter me.
[SNAPS] The pope.
The pope? Heh-heh.
Look, forget it.
There's nothing on the
book about smoking oregano.
[SIGHS]
Now, listen... sergeant.
Come closer.
What's your name, honey?
Lazario.
Sergeant Joseph Lazario. Yeah.
Tell me, Joey... do
you have any children?
Yeah, two.
Who might at any moment
be thrown into jail
for smoking pot.
Lady, my youngest one turns on
by playing with her toes.
She's 2.
Look... please.
Think of this as
marijuana, Joey,
for your children's future,
and for the sake of a sweet kid
named Harold Collins.
Lady, have a
heart. I'm exhausted.
Uh, why didn't you tell me?
You silly.
I have just the thing for you.
Here, take one of these.
You'll feel better right away.
What is it? Uh, Dexamil.
Go on, take it.
In police parlance,
it's an upper.
Like that. I know what it is.
Now, look, lady.
I want to arrest you,
but I can't, honestly.
Now, look. Joey, I have
had a very rough day.
I had the real pot.
The real pot. I had it.
But after three days of fighting
with my husband and no sleep,
and taking abuse from
my next-door neighbor,
my husband took it away
from me just 20 minutes ago.
Now, look, Joey,
I've had it up to here.
All over the state,
146 women are being
mugged and fingerprinted.
Now, Joey, if you don't
arrest me and my friends,
may the Lord have mercy
on your police station.
Because you are going to have
eight screaming middle-aged
women pulling a sit-in...
stark naked.
Tom!
Tom. Save us all.
Go down the block and
buy this lady some grass.
That's right, lady.
We know where it is.
We just don't have
time rounding it all up.
But don't worry.
I'm going to arrest you, okay?
[RINGS]
Girls, girls.
Everything is
turning out beautifully.
We are definitely
going to be arrested.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
♪ We shall Overcome ♪
[CHUCKLES]
Please, Lorraine.
Lorraine, please.
We already overcame.
Now, wait a minute.
Hold it, hold it.
Just got orders from upstairs.
Everybody go home.
Home? I don't understand.
I thought we were here...
Sergeant, I... I
don't understand.
There's nothing to understand.
Just go home. Please.
But, sergeant, in a minute
I'm going to
have the real stuff.
Lady, I just got the word.
We ain't arresting no housewives
from New York State today.
Look, you're not gonna
get rid of us that easy.
Look, lady, it don't
make a difference now.
Go home, will you?
Sergeant... Lady, go home.
Sergeant, what happened
to the Collins kid?
Judge gave him three years.
Three years?
Uh, Mrs. Findlay.
If I ever got in any trouble...
I'd want you on my side.
[WHISPERS] Yeah.
[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
[SIGHS]
Ah.
And, Lorraine, be
sure to remind everyone
to bring her own picket sign.
Maude, what's going on? Honey,
I have a million and
one things on my mind,
and I have to be
in Albany by 4:00.
You already organized
a trip to Albany?
And this time,
Walter, we cannot fail.
Honey, we have a thousand
women from all over the state
who are gonna picket in
front of the governor's mansion.
We got 80 women
from just around here.
We chartered a bus, and
I have to go or I'll miss it.
Maude, you are sensational.
Is there anything
that I can do to help?
Oh, honey, don't be silly.
You've done more than enough.
You rented the bus.
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
Please, Walter.
No, we're not through
arguing about this.
Look, we have
been arguing about it
since Wednesday night.
I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of it too.
And we've been arguing
since Tuesday night.
Look, Walter, I
distinctly remember
that it was Wednesday night
when we began our
present love-hate relationship.
Maude...
it was Tuesday
night that you told me
about this ridiculous
plan of yours.
Then you served
me a Mexican dinner,
because Lee Trevino
had talked about it on TV.
And since I was a golfer,
you thought I'd like it.
Walter, the Mexican dinner
was Wednesday night.
Tuesday, Maude.
I know because I
had gas all night.
Walter, don't you
think I remember
which night you
had gas all night?
Now, please, I have to be
down at the station house
in less than an hour.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
Oh, maybe that's
Jeff with the marijuana.
Maude, if that's your
nephew, forget it.
You're not gonna deliberately
get yourself arrested
for possession of marijuana,
good cause or no good cause.
Thank you, Walter.
Remember what Shakespeare said:
How sharper than
a serpent's tooth it is
to have a fink for a husband.
Fink?! I'm no fink.
These are union tomatoes.
Uh, how much?
Seventy-five cents a box.
Will you forget the
tomatoes, Maude?
We're talking about
you getting arrested
for possession of marijuana.
Look, you'll have to
forgive my husband.
He's himself this morning.
All right, go ahead
and blame me.
Just because a boxboy
at Frawley's Supermarket
got himself busted on
possession of marijuana charge,
and you and your dandy friends
want to get yourself arrested
on that same
charge as a protest,
I'm to blame.
Listen, uh, you're
sure the bottom ones
aren't soft and mushy?
Maude! Pay attention
when I'm yelling at you.
Look! Walter, 146 women
from all over the state
are going down to
their local police stations
to do exactly the same thing.
Now, does that sound like
just a bunch of my friends?
Gee, I don't know.
The bottom ones
feel mushy to me.
Okay, I'll ask your
friend over there.
Am I wrong in telling my wife
that I don't want
her to go to jail?
Listen, you know darn well
that they are not gonna put
a group of upper-middle-class
housewives into jail.
Now, listen, I've
been stuck before.
You sure the bottom
ones aren't mushy?
Lady, you gotta
take your chances.
In that case, I'll take one box.
Fine. Which one?
Wait a minute. Uh, which one?
I'll take the top of this box...
and the top of this.
Maude.
Now, you listen to reason.
Listen, Walter.
Harold Collins is 19 years old.
Do you realize that he faces
from three to
seven years in jail?
Walter... this is
something I have to do.
Okay, look, I'll tell you what:
I'll give you a check for $400
to help pay for
the kid's lawyer,
and we'll forget this
getting arrested thing, okay?
Oh, Walter.
Honey, that's
awfully sweet of you,
but it's really not necessary.
Well, thank you.
You already gave 500.
And listen, darling, I'm so
terribly sorry I'm so edgy,
but I-I'm exhausted.
I was so nervous
about this morning,
that I didn't sleep
a wink last night.
Well, why didn't you
take a couple of Seconals?
We're out of
Seconals, but I did take
two chloral hydrates
and a Librium,
and they didn't work.
Well, I took two
Miltown and a Doriden.
I slept like a lamb.
And snored like a moose.
No, I should have
taken two meprobamates
with a Nembutal instead
of the two chloral hydrates
with the Librium.
Phillip, cold knackwurst
for breakfast?
How can you put
that junk inside you?
Listen, sweetheart.
Would you like Grandma Maude
to make you a
nice little omelet?
No.
Thank God. If I had to cook
this time of the morning...
Look, sweetheart, it's
really time to go to school.
Come on, dear.
So long, Phillip.
Now, how about me, Maude?
Where's my breakfast?
Oh. I don't have time
to fix you your breakfast.
Here, have some cold knackwurst.
Knackwurst for breakfast?
With a diet like this,
I could get scurvy.
Here's a lime.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
Oh, I hope that's Jeff
with the marijuana.
He knows I've
been waiting for it.
There's not that
much... I'm coming!
I'm coming. I'm coming.
Oh, Jeff.
Hi, Aunt Maude.
Oh.
Oh, you got here in time, Jeff.
I knew I could count on you.
That's why you've always
been my favorite nephew.
I don't have the pot.
You're a loser, Jeff.
You've always
been a loser, Jeff.
Jeff, where is it?
Where is it, Jeff?!
It's really scarce, Aunt Maude.
There was a big
senior prom last night.
Oh. Listen, Jeff.
Go out on the streets.
Hang around playgrounds.
[GROANS]
Jeff, don't come back
without the marijuana.
My luck. I have to have
an aunt who's a head.
Walter, Jeff... A head of what?
Walter?
Walter, Jeff
blew it. He blew it.
He didn't bring the marijuana.
What am I going to do?
All the girls are expecting
me to supply the stuff.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] Oh.
Oh, Lorraine.
I'm so nervous,
Maude. Hello, Walter.
Uh, I guess that, uh,
you and the girls
are all ready to go?
We couldn't be readier. Yeah.
Shirley and Francis
have already left
in Rita's station wagon. Yeah?
Sue, Jane, Sally,
Joyce, you and I
are going to go
in my Volkswagen.
Well, that should
be a fun ride, Maude.
Uh, listen. Uh,
Lorraine, look. Yeah.
Why don't you go on ahead,
and I'll meet the
rest of you girls
down at the station?
There's nothing wrong, is there?
You do have the pot, don't you?
Do I have the pot?
[CHUCKLING] Walter, she
wants to know if I have the pot.
Tell her, Maude.
Uh, Lorraine, you
go on without me.
Oh, I thought we'd go together.
Well, no, I think it's
wise that we split up.
You know, in case you
have a fatal accident,
at least one of us
can get through.
Maude, you think of everything.
Yeah. Bye.
Walter. Walter, what
am I going to do?
What am I going to do?!
Maude, you tried and you failed,
and you can't do
any better than that.
Now, look, I'm sure the
kid's gonna be all right.
What are his parents
doing about this?
Oh, come on, Walter!
He's not some rich kid
whose parents can
buy his way out of it.
He's a poor kid
who supports himself
working in a supermarket.
I've got to get the marijuana.
I refuse to give up.
Good morning.
Oh, Carol.
Carol, honey, I have a
big favor to ask of you.
Mother, please spare me.
It's bad enough I had to listen
to you and Walter
argue all night.
We were not arguing.
I just had to speak very loud
because Walter
was trying to sleep.
Well, anyway, I feel awful.
Because of you, I
ended up taking a Valium.
Something I never do.
Oh, honey, you should have tried
a couple of Doriden.
I should have tried
a couple of earplugs.
Just wonder what I'm
gonna do all day at work.
Oh, honey, why
didn't you tell me?
I have just the thing for you.
That's what mommies are for.
Here, sweetheart.
Take a Ritalin.
It'll pick you up like that.
[SNAPS]
Now, then... I did you a favor,
you do me a favor.
Honey... I've got to
have some marijuana.
Now, please, Carol...
call one of your weird friends.
Mother, I would
love to help you,
but at the moment I don't
know anyone who smokes grass.
You raise a daughter
and what happens?
She turns out all right!
Who can I turn to? Who?
Morning, everybody.
[CHEERFULLY] Florida.
Mother, you're not
gonna involve Florida.
Oh, come on, now. She
is a member of the family.
Aren't you, Florida?
So far, nobody ever noticed
much of a family resemblance.
Listen, Florida, I
have to confide in you.
I need some marijuana.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Findlay.
I hate to disappoint you,
but on my salary,
I'm a Dr Pepper girl.
And after all I've
done for that woman.
Well, you heard her
say she couldn't help you.
Carol, please. Florida is black.
Now, don't tell me she
doesn't know any musicians.
Oh, hey, you know, Maude...
with a little sauerkraut,
knackwurst ain't
bad for breakfast.
Good morning, all.
Well, the good doctor.
Now, Maudie, be kind.
I'm not a well man.
Last night I attended a seminar
on preventive medicine.
I've got a hell of a hangover.
Arthur, as long as you're here,
Maude ran out of Seconals,
and I could use some
Miltown and some Librium.
Well, all right, Walter.
But I have to remind you again
that we do not approve of
people consuming substances
which could have
a deleterious effect
on their health.
Make me a bloody
mary. I think I'm dying.
Listen, Arthur... if
you don't feel well...
I am sincerely sorry.
Now, I really mean that, Arthur.
You didn't get the
marijuana, right?
That's too bad, Maudie.
Looks like you don't
have a pot to protest in.
Listen, Arthur. Arthur,
I desperately need your help.
Uh-uh. You're not gonna drag
me into this ludicrous scheme.
Arthur, listen,
you know darn well
they are not gonna put 146 wives
of prominent
businessmen into jail.
And with all the bad publicity,
they are not going to
put Harold Collins into jail.
Why not?
He had a quarter of
an ounce of marijuana.
That's a felony. Any
sensible kid would have had
a couple of joints
in his pocket.
That's a misdemeanor,
and the most he could get
would be a year in jail.
You know, that remark
makes just about as much sense
as the ridiculous marijuana law,
which I am against,
because it is too severe.
Arthur, the punishment
does not fit the crime.
It's terrible to
think of all the kids
using artificial
stimulants, like marijuana,
to solve all their problems.
Uh, this could use
a little more vodka.
Arthur, the American
Bar Association,
the President's Commission,
even your own
organization, the AMA,
all say the laws are too severe.
What's that got to do with it?
I'm talking about morality.
You start these young kids
off on pot, indiscriminate sex,
running off to Canada
to avoid the draft,
you know what it leads to?
You know what it leads to?!
Well, I'll tell you
what it leads to!
Jane Fonda.
Arthur, if that's what it
takes to get a Jane Fonda,
what the hell.
And to think that her father
once played Abraham Lincoln.
What's this great romance
you have going with marijuana?
Oh, look, Arthur, I smoke
as much grass as you do: none.
Arthur, you've got some nerve.
You're condemning Harold
while you're standing here,
dispensing drugs like
they're going out of style.
And on top of it, you're
hung over from drinking.
I did not deliberately
set out to get high.
There's a great difference
between myself and Collins.
Well, I gotta get
to the hospital.
Thanks for the drink.
Look at that,
shaking like a leaf.
Lucky for me, I don't
have to operate today.
Lucky for him?
Come to think of it,
it's lucky for everybody.
Excuse me, Mrs. Findlay, but...
a friend of your nephew's
left this at the back door.
He says you owe him $20.
Walter, give her the money.
Oh, Florida.
Florida, there is
a pot fairy after all.
Pot fairy?
Funny. The kid
looked normal to me.
So that's marijuana.
Looks just like
oregano, doesn't it?
Wonder what it smells like?
Doesn't smell like much
of anything till you light it.
Don't know anybody
who uses pot, huh?
[INHALES SHARPLY]
Maude.
Walter, what are you
doing with my marijuana?
Your marijuana?
Didn't I just pay $20 for
it? Oh, come on, Walter.
What does that
have to do with it?
If I paid for it, it's mine.
Now, look, Walter,
don't do this to me.
Give me my marijuana... Look...
and I'll give you
the money for it.
I don't want your $20, Maude.
Walter, I am not
talking about $20.
Here is 2 cents,
which, believe me, is
all your life will be worth
if you don't give me my pot.
Give me the pot!
[BOTH YELLING INAUDIBLY]
Now, look, all those
women are depending on me.
Harold Collins is depending
on me. Now, give me the pot.
Maude, you walk
into that police station
with that bag of marijuana,
and if they throw
anyone in jail,
it'll be you.
Walter, name me one housewife
they ever threw into jail.
Lizzie Borden.
Lizzie Borden never married.
No, but she was
going with somebody.
Maude, I am not giving
you my permission
to go through with this.
Walter. Permission?
Did you say your permission?
I'm your husband, Maude.
And I'm your wife, Walter,
but if you remember
our marriage vows,
they were "love,
honor and cherish."
Not "love, honor and obey."
Because it is very wrong
for one human being
to have to obey
another human being.
Now, do what I tell
you and give me the pot!
Not as long as you're
my wife, Maude.
The rights of the
individual stop
when it affects the marriage.
Walter, I am me. And I was me
long before I became Mrs. You.
You don't own me.
Okay, Maude... have it your way.
Here, you see this?
You know what's in here?
The name and telephone number
of a very
attractive little chick
that works for me
down at the store.
She's crazy about me.
She keeps telling me
how cute my bald spot is.
Wait, now, Walter,
what are you gonna do?
I'm gonna just give her a call
and ask her to spend
the weekend with me
in Atlantic City.
Walter, are you crazy?
Maude...
I'm doing this strictly
as an individual,
so it shouldn't affect
our marriage, should it?
Now, listen. Walter, look.
Walter, please put
the phone down.
Because, Walter, if you
don't put the phone down,
the next call you make
will be Dial-A-Prayer.
Now, Maude, you be reasonable.
You're gonna spend this
weekend in jail anyway.
Look, put the
phone down, Walter!
Look, maybe Arlene and I
will stop by on the way home,
and visit you in jail.
Oh. Hello, baby. Wally.
Wally? Yeah.
How about this
weekend in Atlantic City?
Walter, are you
out of your mind?!
Do you realize you
just ruined my weekend?
Listen, Walter... the
only thing you can do
to make me forgive you for this
is to give me the pot.
So the rights of the individual
do stop when it
affects the marriage.
Okay, Walter.
You win.
You've made your point.
I see there's nothing I can do.
You keep the pot.
What happened to the phone?
Oh, you know Maude.
Always redecorating.
She tore the phone
out of the wall?
It was an accident.
She wanted to tear the
wall out of the house.
Boy, that woman
is something else.
What are you talking about?
Your mother. She just
came into the kitchen,
grabbed some oregano and said:
"Florida, to hell with
it. I'm going to jail."
Then she sailed out of there.
Oregano? She took
oregano to the police station?
Well, maybe she thinks, uh,
the way I cook
Italian food is a crime.
Uh, are you the
Wally that just called
and invited me to spend
the weekend with you
in Atlantic City?
She's here! She's here!
She's coming! [ALL TALKING]
Oh, let me through.
Let me through.
[SQUEALS]
She'll be here in a second.
She's got the pot with her.
You'll be able to
arrest us all in a minute.
Thanks. I can't tell you
what a thrill it is for me
to able to break the
back of organized crime.
Would you mind moving to
the other part of the room?
We gotta clear this aisle. No.
Lady. You've heard
of police brutality?
We're animals when
we're unleashed.
All right. Ooh.
Go on, girls. Please. Oh.
ALL: ♪ We shall overcome ♪
Great, great. Ladies, ladies.
♪ We shall overcome ♪
Yes, ladies. Ladies, look.
I have the pot right
here. WOMEN: Ooh!
But listen. Why don't
you all stay up here,
and let me talk
to that gentleman?
Maybe I can make some
kind of a package deal,
rather than have to give
each of us her own private...
Oh. Right.
Oh, that Maude. She
thinks of everything. She is.
Sir, uh... But are you
the man I report to?
Yes, ma'am. Yes. All right.
Well, here. I have enough pot
to, uh, arrest myself
and my friends
for possessing more
than a quarter of an ounce.
I know, I know.
Well, fine. Then print
us, mug us, book us
and beat us up.
Lady, we need the evidence.
As far as beating you up goes...
one-on-one, I think we'd lose.
Uh, ladies.
Listen, come on. We're
going to be arrested.
[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Wait a minute, hold
it. Get back, get back.
Okay, lady, you win.
I'll take you first. All right.
Name, please?
Maude Findlay.
Married?
At the moment, barely.
Age?
Lady, how old are you?
Look, officer, if there's a law
that requires a
woman to tell her age,
I'm gonna protest that too.
Now, get on with it.
Okay. I'll just put down
how old I think you look. Yeah.
Forty-seven. And I
just saved your life.
Maude. Maude.
He wants to take a picture
of you getting arrested.
Wait. That's
against regulations.
Oh, come on. Smile,
sergeant. Try to look pleasant.
Think of it as one
small step for mankind.
Oh.
Okay, lady, you
got your picture.
Now, give me the
marijuana or no arrests.
And that's final.
Okay.
Uh... No need to do that.
I mean, if you've seen
one bag of marijuana,
you've seen them all.
Wait a minute, lady.
That don't look like marijuana.
Yeah, all right. I'll
give you one more look.
I didn't get a good look,
but I got a good smell.
That's oregano.
You know it's amazing
how many people
who don't know the
real stuff think that.
Lady, I'm Italian.
I've been on
oregano all my life.
I knew you were Italian.
You remind me of
some famous person.
I can't remember who.
Mrs. Findlay...
there's no Italian celebrity
that's gonna flatter me.
[SNAPS] The pope.
The pope? Heh-heh.
Look, forget it.
There's nothing on the
book about smoking oregano.
[SIGHS]
Now, listen... sergeant.
Come closer.
What's your name, honey?
Lazario.
Sergeant Joseph Lazario. Yeah.
Tell me, Joey... do
you have any children?
Yeah, two.
Who might at any moment
be thrown into jail
for smoking pot.
Lady, my youngest one turns on
by playing with her toes.
She's 2.
Look... please.
Think of this as
marijuana, Joey,
for your children's future,
and for the sake of a sweet kid
named Harold Collins.
Lady, have a
heart. I'm exhausted.
Uh, why didn't you tell me?
You silly.
I have just the thing for you.
Here, take one of these.
You'll feel better right away.
What is it? Uh, Dexamil.
Go on, take it.
In police parlance,
it's an upper.
Like that. I know what it is.
Now, look, lady.
I want to arrest you,
but I can't, honestly.
Now, look. Joey, I have
had a very rough day.
I had the real pot.
The real pot. I had it.
But after three days of fighting
with my husband and no sleep,
and taking abuse from
my next-door neighbor,
my husband took it away
from me just 20 minutes ago.
Now, look, Joey,
I've had it up to here.
All over the state,
146 women are being
mugged and fingerprinted.
Now, Joey, if you don't
arrest me and my friends,
may the Lord have mercy
on your police station.
Because you are going to have
eight screaming middle-aged
women pulling a sit-in...
stark naked.
Tom!
Tom. Save us all.
Go down the block and
buy this lady some grass.
That's right, lady.
We know where it is.
We just don't have
time rounding it all up.
But don't worry.
I'm going to arrest you, okay?
[RINGS]
Girls, girls.
Everything is
turning out beautifully.
We are definitely
going to be arrested.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
♪ We shall Overcome ♪
[CHUCKLES]
Please, Lorraine.
Lorraine, please.
We already overcame.
Now, wait a minute.
Hold it, hold it.
Just got orders from upstairs.
Everybody go home.
Home? I don't understand.
I thought we were here...
Sergeant, I... I
don't understand.
There's nothing to understand.
Just go home. Please.
But, sergeant, in a minute
I'm going to
have the real stuff.
Lady, I just got the word.
We ain't arresting no housewives
from New York State today.
Look, you're not gonna
get rid of us that easy.
Look, lady, it don't
make a difference now.
Go home, will you?
Sergeant... Lady, go home.
Sergeant, what happened
to the Collins kid?
Judge gave him three years.
Three years?
Uh, Mrs. Findlay.
If I ever got in any trouble...
I'd want you on my side.
[WHISPERS] Yeah.
[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
[SIGHS]
Ah.
And, Lorraine, be
sure to remind everyone
to bring her own picket sign.
Maude, what's going on? Honey,
I have a million and
one things on my mind,
and I have to be
in Albany by 4:00.
You already organized
a trip to Albany?
And this time,
Walter, we cannot fail.
Honey, we have a thousand
women from all over the state
who are gonna picket in
front of the governor's mansion.
We got 80 women
from just around here.
We chartered a bus, and
I have to go or I'll miss it.
Maude, you are sensational.
Is there anything
that I can do to help?
Oh, honey, don't be silly.
You've done more than enough.
You rented the bus.
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪