Maude (1972–1978): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Slumlord - full transcript
Walter and Maude purchase an apartment building for an investment. The residents being to picket in front of the Findley house, calling Walter and Maude slumlords.
[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
Okay, friends, now hear this.
I have tried everything
I know with you.
I have tried patience,
kindness, sweetness.
Let's face it:
You plants haven't
grown an eighth of an inch
in six weeks.
Now, listen to me, guys.
You're gonna
shape up or ship out.
I mean, I read all the latest
magazines, current books.
They all say talk to
you, so I'm talking to you.
And you... Ooh.
I said things to you last night I
haven't said to four husbands.
Mother, do you know
what's going on outside?
Mother, there's a
black man outside
walking up and down
the property, picketing.
Picketing what?
Us. He says we're slumlords.
Slumlords?
That's what his sign says:
"A slumlord lives here."
Carol, don't be ridiculous.
Do you know what a slumlord is?
A slumlord is somebody who owns
one of those
terrible buildings in...
In places like Harlem.
Where they cram hundreds
of people into a building
and dozens of people
into two rooms and...
And 60 people
have to use one john.
I mean, uh, don't
tell me that, uh...
That a slumlord lives here
or that there's a black
man out there picketing.
Carol, there's a black
man out there picketing.
There must be some mistake.
A terrible mistake.
If a slumlord lives
here, I'll eat him.
Well, do you wanna
start with Walter's hat
or with his shoes?
Walter? Yes.
That man said he lives in a
slum tenement on River Street
that was just bought by a new
group of investors, a syndicate.
Yeah. Walter Findlay is a member
of that syndicate.
Wa...? Walter Find...?
My Walter Findlay?
Oh, come on, Carol,
don't be ridiculous.
You mean... Not
my Walter Findlay.
I mean, somebody else's...
My Walter Findlay!
WALTER: Yes, dear?
Drop your socks,
grab your pants
and get down here.
You better do something
about that picket.
I've gotta take Phillip
to school. Phillip!
Hurry, honey. You'll
be late for school.
I'll take him out the back way.
Listen, honey, let him scrunch
way down deep in the Volkswagen.
I don't want him
to see that picket.
Phillip, honey. Your mother's
gonna teach you a new game.
It's called Scrunch. You
get way down in the back...
Scrunch. Scrunch.
Walter. Walter, listen...
There is a black man
outside our door picketing
with a sign that says:
"A slumlord lives here."
A slumlord?
And he means you.
How can you say that, Maude?
Do you know what a slumlord is?
Now, how could I be a
slumlord? You couldn't.
You couldn't, Walter.
I know it's all a
terrible mistake, and I...
I know you'll be able
to explain it very easily
and in just a few seconds.
Your time's up, Walter.
Maude.
There is a black man
out there picketing, Walter.
See for yourself.
[SIGHS]
There is a man out
there. It must be a mistake.
I'll throw him off the property.
He's black, Walter.
I'll lift him off gently.
I am not a slumlord!
Walter, did you buy into
a building on River Street?
River Street.
Yeah, the Riverview deal.
Now, wait a minute.
Mike Tobin put
us into that. He...
You're a slumlord, Walter.
Oh, you live with a man
intimately for four years,
you share his every
confidence and suddenly, zap.
You find you're married
to a total stranger.
Maude.
I don't talk to strangers.
But, Maude...
The Riverview
deal is a tenement.
Yeah, but I didn't know that.
I mean, Tobin says
it's a good deal,
so a bunch of us go into it.
We don't ask any questions.
We sign the papers,
and that's that.
Now, who knew
that the building...?
Now you know, Walter.
Everything we stand for is
going right down the drain.
A black man is actually standing
outside our door, picketing.
I mean, I can't
believe it. It must be...
I-it all seems like a dream.
Pinch me. Oh, come on, Maude.
ARTHUR: Hi, gang!
Hey, that's a heck of
a new lawn decoration
you got out there.
He's so much more animated
than those little
colored jockeys.
I see you're here, Arthur.
Where's the front
end of the horse?
Arthur, don't be funny.
I didn't know I was
buying into a slum building.
Oh, come on, Walter. You
don't have to alibi to me.
I know you're trying
to make a fast buck.
I'm aware of the fact that it's
a dog-eat-dog world out there.
And I'd love to feed
you to a Saint Bernard.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Hello? Yes, hello, Vivian.
Oh. Thank you, darling. Yes.
Thank you for being the first
one to bring me the ugly news.
I knew I could
count on a friend.
Vivian says we're the
talk of the supermarket.
And the Reillys down the block
are flying their
flag at half-mast.
I'll call Tobin and see if he
can get me outta this thing.
Don't be so hard on yourselves.
Maude, you don't
understand these deals.
A man invests a tenement
and pays taxes on the profits.
Now, those taxes are used
to help tear down tenements
and build new buildings,
which turn into tenements.
And then the cycle
starts all over again.
That's business.
Arthur Harmon, you have
just described the lowest,
most despicable,
most unsavory type
of businessman this country has.
You just described Walter.
Tobin's not in. I'll
have to call him later.
I still think you people
oughta take my advice
and call the police.
After all, that's what
they get paid for.
To protect you slumlords.
[LAUGHS]
Listen, Walter, there's
only one thing to do.
You have to go
outside, talk to that picket
and convince him to leave.
You're the convincing
one. You talk to him.
I'm too ashamed, Walter.
Look, Howard Hughes,
maybe you'll
understand it better
if I put it in investment terms.
As long as that picket is
outside the door, Walter,
I wouldn't give you 2
cents for your love life.
All right, I'll talk to him.
Hey, mister, would
you come here, please?
Was you callin' me?
Yeah.
I thought so, 'cause I'm
the only one out here.
Would you come in for a moment?
You ain't got a
big dog, have you?
No, no dog.
There ain't gonna
be no violence?
Of course not. I hate violence.
I do too.
Especially when I'm in
an all-white neighborhood.
Hey, this is nice.
How many people live here?
Four.
No, I mean, in the whole house.
Four.
My name is Walter Findlay.
Yes, I know.
Mine's George
Washington Carver Williams.
You were named
after a great man.
No, I was named after my father.
He didn't amount to much at all.
Have a seat, Mr. Williams.
Uh, here or there?
Right here. Oh, thank you.
Mr. Williams, can I
be very direct with you?
So long as you don't hit me.
I told you, I hate violence.
I know, but it bears repeatin'.
Mr. Williams, can we talk about
401 River Street specifically?
Now, what's wrong
with that building?
Just two things: the
inside and the outside.
Let me put it this way:
I saw your daughter driving
off this morning to school
in a Volkswagen, with the
top of your grandson's head.
The one thing is,
we got one cockroach
at 401 River Street
that's bigger than
that Volkswagen.
Walter, I thought you might...
Oh, I didn't know
we had company.
Uh, would you like
some coffee, Mr. Picket?
Thank you.
His name is Mr. Williams, Maude.
Uh, Walter, I hope that
you spoke to Mr. Williams
and explained to him
that it really is all
a terrible mistake
and that in our hearts
we are very much with you
and your people.
I mean, did you
explain that to him?
Does he understand it?
Do you understand that?
Oh, I understand that.
But you're slumlords.
Uh, Mr. Williams, you
have to understand
the way these things happen.
Yeah.
You see, in my
income-tax bracket...
Yeah, which isn't all that high.
That's right.
WALTER: That's right.
It's not all that high.
But it's higher than
mine, I expects.
Maybe. That's possible.
Yeah, I think it
is. That could be.
Well, anyway...
People in my
income-tax bracket...
Yes, our income-tax bracket.
Our income-tax bracket,
we look for, uh,
what is called...
a tax shelter.
Tax shelter. Tax shelter.
We invest money... Yeah.
In what we call
"shelters." Shelters.
We call 'em tenements.
Um, no. No, you... No,
you don't understand.
It's, uh...
When I say shelter, I
don't mean a building.
Doesn't mean a building.
Oh, I don't mean a building, no.
I mean, a... A way of
using money... Yeah.
So that the
government can't tax it.
The government can't tax it.
Oh.
You talkin' about stealin'.
Uh, no offense, ma'am.
I mean legal stealin'.
We even got some
black people doin' it now.
That's progress.
Well, uh, anyway...
The thing is...
The kind of arrangements
that people like us get into...
We get into these arrangements.
We never know what they are.
We never know what they are.
We never, never
know... Do you know?
We never know. I don't know.
I mean, we don't... I mean...
We never know
what they are. Never.
We never know.
We don't know what they are.
And we think we
got got problems.
I better be gettin'
back to work.
Oh, but, Mr. Williams...
Mr. Williams...
You got some lovely plants here.
You know, if you
talk real nice to 'em,
they'll grow real special.
We can't grow no
plants at our place.
The bugs get 'em.
But we talk to
cock-a-roaches though.
And we getting results
that'd stagger the imagination.
Tell her, Mr. Findlay.
Tell me what?
They got one roach there
that's bigger than
Carol's Volkswagen.
Walter, what are we going to do?
Go on upstairs, Phillip.
I'll be there in a minute.
What's the matter now?
What is Phillip doing
home from school?
I had to bring him home, Mother,
because thanks to your husband,
I couldn't leave him in school.
A 6-year-old girl
called him a fascist pig.
Did you hear that?
Did you hear that?!
Even my own grandson is
infected with your disease.
Maude, please, I feel
bad enough as it is.
Mrs. Findlay, I quit.
MAUDE: You quit?
Master Slumlord,
your faithful old darkie
is leaving the plantation.
Florida.
Florida, Florida, be reasonable.
You know me better than that.
Florida, do I look
like a slumlord to you?
Well, that's hard to tell.
You know the old saying:
"All you slumlords look alike."
Florida, let me explain, please.
Look, Walter's accountant
is taking care of it right now.
It'll all be straightened
out, I swear to you.
Florida, please
don't go this way.
Florida, please don't go.
Oh, what do you say
now, Mr. Slumlord?
Why can't you be
like other husbands
and blow your money on broads?
Oh, Florida, I knew you
couldn't leave me this way.
You came back.
No chance.
I just wasn't gonna leave
no African violet in this house.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Oh, Valerie, yes.
Save your breath,
I've already been called
every name in the book.
What?
I have to hand it to her.
She found one that
wasn't in the book.
That's exactly why I'm not
sending Phillip back to school.
Not until this thing is settled.
Look, Carol, will
you get off my back?
We are doing everything
humanly possible.
Walter is at the
accountant's right now.
I have been on the phone all
day with the Urban Renewal Office,
and they tell me that
you can't make a dent
in fixing up that building
for under $100,000.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Why does the telephone
ring when you're in trouble?
Hello? This is a recording.
When you hear the beep,
leave your name and number
and you will be
called when I return.
You should live so long.
Beep.
Oh, Carol, I think
I'm going to pieces.
Walter, what happened
at the accountant's?
Can we get out of the deal?
What did he say?
I'll explain everything,
but first Mr. Williams wants
to know if he can come in.
Mr. Wi...?
He wants to come in here?
I know, he's probably
coming to tell us
that he realizes
he's made a mistake
and he's going to leave.
I mean, I think he's
thought it over, and...
And in his heart, he knows
what kind of
people we really are.
Evening, Mrs. Findlay.
Mr. Findlay said
it might be all right
if I popped in
here for a minute.
Of course, come right in.
Now, tell me, what was it
you wanted to talk to us about?
Would you mind if I
used your facilities?
You're right, Mother.
He's thought it
over and in his heart,
he realizes what kind
of people we really are.
This way, Mr. Williams.
Walter Findlay, you tricked me.
You knew what it was he wanted.
No, I didn't.
Matter of fact, I thought
he might be hungry
and was gonna ask
for something to eat.
Oh, don't be ridiculous. I
gave him a hot lunch at 1:00.
About the accountant, Walter.
Well, he found me a buyer.
Walter.
But he's only offering
me 60 cents on the dollar.
It'll cost me $3200 to sell out.
Thirty-two hundred do...?
That thief!
That... That exploiter,
that bloodsucker.
Walter, take the offer.
Maude, are you crazy?
I can't afford to
throw away $3200.
You can't afford not to, Walter.
If my son is being
called a fascist pig,
you can imagine what
they're calling you.
She's right, Walter.
Wait a minute, Maude.
You're a slumlord too, you know.
Oh, come on. It's bad
enough that I'm married to one.
We're both married to one.
The accountant said
we signed a joint tenancy.
Mother, did you put
your name on that paper?
Well, how could I?
Walter, I never signed
that Riverview deal,
unless it was that night that
you brought all those papers in
in the blue folder,
and we couldn't
really talk about it
because I was
watching Marcus Welby
and he was getting ready
to operate on that prostitute
with the benign tumor.
Oh, my God. I'm a slumlord too.
Well, there you
have it, nice people.
Half of you standing around
with your head in the sand
while the other half of you
pollutes the environment
and impresses the poor.
Hm, how do you
like your own words
coming back to haunt you?
I'm proud of Carol
for telling me off,
and in one minute I'm
gonna be proud of me
for telling you off!
Well, now.
That was a pleasant visitation.
You just can't imagine
the pleasure it is
when working with facilities
that are really working.
Uh, Mr., uh, Williams,
before you go,
Mr. Findlay has
something to tell you.
No, I haven't.
We have found a buyer for 401.
Not yet, Maude.
Listen to me, Walter.
Take the $3200 loss.
$3200, that's a lot of money.
You bet it is. So
let's understand
who we are in this house.
We live up to
every cent we make,
just like the rest of America.
Do you know what
our real last name is?
Master Charge.
Walter and Maude Master Charge.
Master Charge.
The point is that
we're not rich.
$3200 is a fortune.
A damn big fortune.
And I've worked too damned
hard to lose it like that.
Man, I can't blame you.
Will you keep quiet, Williams?
For a poacher in
the neighborhood,
you sure have a
heck of a lot to say.
And as for you, Findlay,
I've heard your hard-luck story,
and while I hate to kick
a man when he's down,
I am offering you
one agonizing choice:
You are either going
to lose the 3200 or me.
That might not be so agonizing.
God'll get you
for that, Williams.
I-I wasn't thinkin'
of you, ma'am.
I was relatin' my own
situation with my own wife.
Miserable.
Well, much obliged
for the facilities.
Maude, I know you didn't
mean what you just said.
You must be reading my mind.
In which case, you don't realize
that two pages
are stuck together.
In between
yesterday's "I love you"
and tomorrow's "I love you,"
there's one page that
says, "Sell, Walter,
or else there'll
be no tomorrow."
Maudie. Walter.
Listen, I was just talking
to Mr. Williams out there.
He likes your bathroom.
Walter, your accountant
called my accountant.
Evidently, you wanna get
out from under this thing.
I learned what a good investment
you have there for $8000.
Well, Arthur, if you think
that the Riverview deal
is a good investment...
You think it's a
good investment?
Maude, please.
How 'bout buying
my end of the deal?
Walter, what a brilliant idea.
Maude, how would you
like to go into the kitchen
and make some coffee?
It won't work, Walter.
You have got a good
deal there for $8000,
but it is not a good idea
to do business with friends.
Because when it
comes to business,
friendship goes out the window.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
I know that, Arthur.
All right, I'll give you $5500
for your end of the deal.
Arthur, come on.
Arthur, dear,
I have some hors d'oeuvres
left over from last night,
plus some extra special goodies
I whipped up especially for you.
Maudie, they look delicious.
How about a Swedish meatball?
Thank you.
How about a pig in the blanket?
Thank you.
How about 7000?
Sorry, 5500 is my final offer.
If you thought it was
a good deal at eight,
why won't you give us seven?
Business is business, Maudie.
Besides, I have to charge
you for moving expenses.
What moving expenses?
Well, if I buy it that
picket has to move
from your door to my door.
Oh, give me that.
I'd rather see it
rotting in the freezer.
Arthur, thank you, darling.
We're going to take your offer.
No, we're not. I'd
still be losing $2500.
Or me.
Is that your choice, Walter?
Don't push your luck, Arthur.
And don't push
yours either, Walter.
Don't push yours either, Mother.
You signed that paper too.
Oh, come on, Carol, I
may have signed the paper,
but it was Walter
who brought it home.
Oh, you and your husband
sign a piece of paper.
Neither one of you
knows what you're signing,
but suddenly he's more
to blame than you are.
Walter, Carol's right.
Sell the tenement to Arthur,
and I'll personally
make up the 2500.
What? Where'd you
get $2500, Maude?
Household accounts.
You know us housewives,
a little less red meat here,
day-old bread, cheating at keno.
Maude!
Okay, all right, in
four years of marriage
I've saved $40.
Forty dollars. I'm
talking about 2500.
Oh, Walter, please don't
nitpick about a lousy $2460. Sell.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
You're crazy.
Everybody's crazy!
Hello. Mike?
It's the accountant.
What? What?
Sensational!
What? What did he say?
It's not the happiest
news in the world,
but it's almost the
happiest news in the world.
Okay, thanks, Mike. What? What?
Don't look like the cat who
swallowed the telephone. Talk.
He found me a buyer.
Seven thousand dollars.
Walter, you only lost
a thousand dollars.
I'm so proud of you.
Don't say I didn't try
to help you, Walter.
Do you mind if I
say that, Arthur?
You didn't try to help him.
All right, you people
just don't understand,
that's the problem with you.
You simply don't
understand the old F.E.S.
Free enterprise
system. Ha-ha-ha!
Listen, honey, sweetie, I
know you're awfully unhappy
about that thousand dollars,
but I swear to you,
I'll make it up to you.
I promise.
I mean, tonight alone
I'll make it up to you.
Mr. Williams! Mr. Williams,
would you come here, please?
We have some
wonderful news for you.
He's so happy, he
dropped his sign.
He's running up the lawn.
Hi, again.
Somebody here must know
me better than I know myself.
Uh, what do you
mean, Mr. Williams?
Wasn't you calling me in
to offer me the
facilities again?
Oh, no, but of course
you can use them.
Now, come in. I
have wonderful news.
Mr. Findlay and I
sold our end of 401.
We are no longer slumlords.
Is that so?
I'm gonna miss
that nice white tile
and that nice border on
top of the yellow fishes.
Walter, how much cash
do you have on you?
I don't know, 50, $60.
Mr. Williams, I know
this isn't very much...
Especially when they said
you couldn't fix the building up
for less than a hundred thou.
Still and all, you can't look at
everything that way, young lady.
I might do some
good with this money.
What a lovely thought.
Yeah.
We have 'em now and then.
Well, goodbye, everybody.
And to you, nice plants,
I hope you grow up to be
as big as Volkswagens too.
I forgot my transistor radio
and my 4-inch Sony TV.
What is he doing in here?
He's in here because
we just gave him
some wonderful news, Florida.
We sold our end of 401.
We are no longer slumlords.
CAROL: All's right, Florida.
And just to ease her conscience,
Mother gave Mr. Williams $60.
Carol, that's a
rotten thing to say.
I gave him the money
because the poor guy needed it.
How would you like to
live in his rat-infested,
roach-encrusted environment?
Don't be silly, Maude.
What good can $60 do
the people in that tenement?
Mr. Williams, why don't you
just run it up in a crap game?
Walter Findlay, what
a terrible thing to say.
I mean...
shows what you know
about black people. I...
Please, accept my
apology, Mr. Williams.
And you too. You too, Florida.
I mean, one thing for
sure, he's not gonna use it
to exploit the poor.
Right, Mr. Williams?
No, ma'am.
But to tell the truth,
$60 ain't much for a poor man.
What I might do is
just take this money
and put it on a worthy cause.
You see, Walter, Carol?
FLORIDA: He's smart.
Worthy Cause is
runnin' at 10-to-1.
Put 5 on the nose for me.
Fellas, I'm here to tell ya
that Maude's love and affection
is really gonna work for you.
Because last night, I can't
tell you how it worked for me.
I mean, I grew and
grew, and this morning
I feel 10 feet tall.
Walter, darling,
I couldn't help overhearing you.
That was a lovely tribute.
Sweetheart, you really
shouldn't talk that way
in front of the begonia.
I mean, he's just a baby.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
Okay, friends, now hear this.
I have tried everything
I know with you.
I have tried patience,
kindness, sweetness.
Let's face it:
You plants haven't
grown an eighth of an inch
in six weeks.
Now, listen to me, guys.
You're gonna
shape up or ship out.
I mean, I read all the latest
magazines, current books.
They all say talk to
you, so I'm talking to you.
And you... Ooh.
I said things to you last night I
haven't said to four husbands.
Mother, do you know
what's going on outside?
Mother, there's a
black man outside
walking up and down
the property, picketing.
Picketing what?
Us. He says we're slumlords.
Slumlords?
That's what his sign says:
"A slumlord lives here."
Carol, don't be ridiculous.
Do you know what a slumlord is?
A slumlord is somebody who owns
one of those
terrible buildings in...
In places like Harlem.
Where they cram hundreds
of people into a building
and dozens of people
into two rooms and...
And 60 people
have to use one john.
I mean, uh, don't
tell me that, uh...
That a slumlord lives here
or that there's a black
man out there picketing.
Carol, there's a black
man out there picketing.
There must be some mistake.
A terrible mistake.
If a slumlord lives
here, I'll eat him.
Well, do you wanna
start with Walter's hat
or with his shoes?
Walter? Yes.
That man said he lives in a
slum tenement on River Street
that was just bought by a new
group of investors, a syndicate.
Yeah. Walter Findlay is a member
of that syndicate.
Wa...? Walter Find...?
My Walter Findlay?
Oh, come on, Carol,
don't be ridiculous.
You mean... Not
my Walter Findlay.
I mean, somebody else's...
My Walter Findlay!
WALTER: Yes, dear?
Drop your socks,
grab your pants
and get down here.
You better do something
about that picket.
I've gotta take Phillip
to school. Phillip!
Hurry, honey. You'll
be late for school.
I'll take him out the back way.
Listen, honey, let him scrunch
way down deep in the Volkswagen.
I don't want him
to see that picket.
Phillip, honey. Your mother's
gonna teach you a new game.
It's called Scrunch. You
get way down in the back...
Scrunch. Scrunch.
Walter. Walter, listen...
There is a black man
outside our door picketing
with a sign that says:
"A slumlord lives here."
A slumlord?
And he means you.
How can you say that, Maude?
Do you know what a slumlord is?
Now, how could I be a
slumlord? You couldn't.
You couldn't, Walter.
I know it's all a
terrible mistake, and I...
I know you'll be able
to explain it very easily
and in just a few seconds.
Your time's up, Walter.
Maude.
There is a black man
out there picketing, Walter.
See for yourself.
[SIGHS]
There is a man out
there. It must be a mistake.
I'll throw him off the property.
He's black, Walter.
I'll lift him off gently.
I am not a slumlord!
Walter, did you buy into
a building on River Street?
River Street.
Yeah, the Riverview deal.
Now, wait a minute.
Mike Tobin put
us into that. He...
You're a slumlord, Walter.
Oh, you live with a man
intimately for four years,
you share his every
confidence and suddenly, zap.
You find you're married
to a total stranger.
Maude.
I don't talk to strangers.
But, Maude...
The Riverview
deal is a tenement.
Yeah, but I didn't know that.
I mean, Tobin says
it's a good deal,
so a bunch of us go into it.
We don't ask any questions.
We sign the papers,
and that's that.
Now, who knew
that the building...?
Now you know, Walter.
Everything we stand for is
going right down the drain.
A black man is actually standing
outside our door, picketing.
I mean, I can't
believe it. It must be...
I-it all seems like a dream.
Pinch me. Oh, come on, Maude.
ARTHUR: Hi, gang!
Hey, that's a heck of
a new lawn decoration
you got out there.
He's so much more animated
than those little
colored jockeys.
I see you're here, Arthur.
Where's the front
end of the horse?
Arthur, don't be funny.
I didn't know I was
buying into a slum building.
Oh, come on, Walter. You
don't have to alibi to me.
I know you're trying
to make a fast buck.
I'm aware of the fact that it's
a dog-eat-dog world out there.
And I'd love to feed
you to a Saint Bernard.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Hello? Yes, hello, Vivian.
Oh. Thank you, darling. Yes.
Thank you for being the first
one to bring me the ugly news.
I knew I could
count on a friend.
Vivian says we're the
talk of the supermarket.
And the Reillys down the block
are flying their
flag at half-mast.
I'll call Tobin and see if he
can get me outta this thing.
Don't be so hard on yourselves.
Maude, you don't
understand these deals.
A man invests a tenement
and pays taxes on the profits.
Now, those taxes are used
to help tear down tenements
and build new buildings,
which turn into tenements.
And then the cycle
starts all over again.
That's business.
Arthur Harmon, you have
just described the lowest,
most despicable,
most unsavory type
of businessman this country has.
You just described Walter.
Tobin's not in. I'll
have to call him later.
I still think you people
oughta take my advice
and call the police.
After all, that's what
they get paid for.
To protect you slumlords.
[LAUGHS]
Listen, Walter, there's
only one thing to do.
You have to go
outside, talk to that picket
and convince him to leave.
You're the convincing
one. You talk to him.
I'm too ashamed, Walter.
Look, Howard Hughes,
maybe you'll
understand it better
if I put it in investment terms.
As long as that picket is
outside the door, Walter,
I wouldn't give you 2
cents for your love life.
All right, I'll talk to him.
Hey, mister, would
you come here, please?
Was you callin' me?
Yeah.
I thought so, 'cause I'm
the only one out here.
Would you come in for a moment?
You ain't got a
big dog, have you?
No, no dog.
There ain't gonna
be no violence?
Of course not. I hate violence.
I do too.
Especially when I'm in
an all-white neighborhood.
Hey, this is nice.
How many people live here?
Four.
No, I mean, in the whole house.
Four.
My name is Walter Findlay.
Yes, I know.
Mine's George
Washington Carver Williams.
You were named
after a great man.
No, I was named after my father.
He didn't amount to much at all.
Have a seat, Mr. Williams.
Uh, here or there?
Right here. Oh, thank you.
Mr. Williams, can I
be very direct with you?
So long as you don't hit me.
I told you, I hate violence.
I know, but it bears repeatin'.
Mr. Williams, can we talk about
401 River Street specifically?
Now, what's wrong
with that building?
Just two things: the
inside and the outside.
Let me put it this way:
I saw your daughter driving
off this morning to school
in a Volkswagen, with the
top of your grandson's head.
The one thing is,
we got one cockroach
at 401 River Street
that's bigger than
that Volkswagen.
Walter, I thought you might...
Oh, I didn't know
we had company.
Uh, would you like
some coffee, Mr. Picket?
Thank you.
His name is Mr. Williams, Maude.
Uh, Walter, I hope that
you spoke to Mr. Williams
and explained to him
that it really is all
a terrible mistake
and that in our hearts
we are very much with you
and your people.
I mean, did you
explain that to him?
Does he understand it?
Do you understand that?
Oh, I understand that.
But you're slumlords.
Uh, Mr. Williams, you
have to understand
the way these things happen.
Yeah.
You see, in my
income-tax bracket...
Yeah, which isn't all that high.
That's right.
WALTER: That's right.
It's not all that high.
But it's higher than
mine, I expects.
Maybe. That's possible.
Yeah, I think it
is. That could be.
Well, anyway...
People in my
income-tax bracket...
Yes, our income-tax bracket.
Our income-tax bracket,
we look for, uh,
what is called...
a tax shelter.
Tax shelter. Tax shelter.
We invest money... Yeah.
In what we call
"shelters." Shelters.
We call 'em tenements.
Um, no. No, you... No,
you don't understand.
It's, uh...
When I say shelter, I
don't mean a building.
Doesn't mean a building.
Oh, I don't mean a building, no.
I mean, a... A way of
using money... Yeah.
So that the
government can't tax it.
The government can't tax it.
Oh.
You talkin' about stealin'.
Uh, no offense, ma'am.
I mean legal stealin'.
We even got some
black people doin' it now.
That's progress.
Well, uh, anyway...
The thing is...
The kind of arrangements
that people like us get into...
We get into these arrangements.
We never know what they are.
We never know what they are.
We never, never
know... Do you know?
We never know. I don't know.
I mean, we don't... I mean...
We never know
what they are. Never.
We never know.
We don't know what they are.
And we think we
got got problems.
I better be gettin'
back to work.
Oh, but, Mr. Williams...
Mr. Williams...
You got some lovely plants here.
You know, if you
talk real nice to 'em,
they'll grow real special.
We can't grow no
plants at our place.
The bugs get 'em.
But we talk to
cock-a-roaches though.
And we getting results
that'd stagger the imagination.
Tell her, Mr. Findlay.
Tell me what?
They got one roach there
that's bigger than
Carol's Volkswagen.
Walter, what are we going to do?
Go on upstairs, Phillip.
I'll be there in a minute.
What's the matter now?
What is Phillip doing
home from school?
I had to bring him home, Mother,
because thanks to your husband,
I couldn't leave him in school.
A 6-year-old girl
called him a fascist pig.
Did you hear that?
Did you hear that?!
Even my own grandson is
infected with your disease.
Maude, please, I feel
bad enough as it is.
Mrs. Findlay, I quit.
MAUDE: You quit?
Master Slumlord,
your faithful old darkie
is leaving the plantation.
Florida.
Florida, Florida, be reasonable.
You know me better than that.
Florida, do I look
like a slumlord to you?
Well, that's hard to tell.
You know the old saying:
"All you slumlords look alike."
Florida, let me explain, please.
Look, Walter's accountant
is taking care of it right now.
It'll all be straightened
out, I swear to you.
Florida, please
don't go this way.
Florida, please don't go.
Oh, what do you say
now, Mr. Slumlord?
Why can't you be
like other husbands
and blow your money on broads?
Oh, Florida, I knew you
couldn't leave me this way.
You came back.
No chance.
I just wasn't gonna leave
no African violet in this house.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Oh, Valerie, yes.
Save your breath,
I've already been called
every name in the book.
What?
I have to hand it to her.
She found one that
wasn't in the book.
That's exactly why I'm not
sending Phillip back to school.
Not until this thing is settled.
Look, Carol, will
you get off my back?
We are doing everything
humanly possible.
Walter is at the
accountant's right now.
I have been on the phone all
day with the Urban Renewal Office,
and they tell me that
you can't make a dent
in fixing up that building
for under $100,000.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Why does the telephone
ring when you're in trouble?
Hello? This is a recording.
When you hear the beep,
leave your name and number
and you will be
called when I return.
You should live so long.
Beep.
Oh, Carol, I think
I'm going to pieces.
Walter, what happened
at the accountant's?
Can we get out of the deal?
What did he say?
I'll explain everything,
but first Mr. Williams wants
to know if he can come in.
Mr. Wi...?
He wants to come in here?
I know, he's probably
coming to tell us
that he realizes
he's made a mistake
and he's going to leave.
I mean, I think he's
thought it over, and...
And in his heart, he knows
what kind of
people we really are.
Evening, Mrs. Findlay.
Mr. Findlay said
it might be all right
if I popped in
here for a minute.
Of course, come right in.
Now, tell me, what was it
you wanted to talk to us about?
Would you mind if I
used your facilities?
You're right, Mother.
He's thought it
over and in his heart,
he realizes what kind
of people we really are.
This way, Mr. Williams.
Walter Findlay, you tricked me.
You knew what it was he wanted.
No, I didn't.
Matter of fact, I thought
he might be hungry
and was gonna ask
for something to eat.
Oh, don't be ridiculous. I
gave him a hot lunch at 1:00.
About the accountant, Walter.
Well, he found me a buyer.
Walter.
But he's only offering
me 60 cents on the dollar.
It'll cost me $3200 to sell out.
Thirty-two hundred do...?
That thief!
That... That exploiter,
that bloodsucker.
Walter, take the offer.
Maude, are you crazy?
I can't afford to
throw away $3200.
You can't afford not to, Walter.
If my son is being
called a fascist pig,
you can imagine what
they're calling you.
She's right, Walter.
Wait a minute, Maude.
You're a slumlord too, you know.
Oh, come on. It's bad
enough that I'm married to one.
We're both married to one.
The accountant said
we signed a joint tenancy.
Mother, did you put
your name on that paper?
Well, how could I?
Walter, I never signed
that Riverview deal,
unless it was that night that
you brought all those papers in
in the blue folder,
and we couldn't
really talk about it
because I was
watching Marcus Welby
and he was getting ready
to operate on that prostitute
with the benign tumor.
Oh, my God. I'm a slumlord too.
Well, there you
have it, nice people.
Half of you standing around
with your head in the sand
while the other half of you
pollutes the environment
and impresses the poor.
Hm, how do you
like your own words
coming back to haunt you?
I'm proud of Carol
for telling me off,
and in one minute I'm
gonna be proud of me
for telling you off!
Well, now.
That was a pleasant visitation.
You just can't imagine
the pleasure it is
when working with facilities
that are really working.
Uh, Mr., uh, Williams,
before you go,
Mr. Findlay has
something to tell you.
No, I haven't.
We have found a buyer for 401.
Not yet, Maude.
Listen to me, Walter.
Take the $3200 loss.
$3200, that's a lot of money.
You bet it is. So
let's understand
who we are in this house.
We live up to
every cent we make,
just like the rest of America.
Do you know what
our real last name is?
Master Charge.
Walter and Maude Master Charge.
Master Charge.
The point is that
we're not rich.
$3200 is a fortune.
A damn big fortune.
And I've worked too damned
hard to lose it like that.
Man, I can't blame you.
Will you keep quiet, Williams?
For a poacher in
the neighborhood,
you sure have a
heck of a lot to say.
And as for you, Findlay,
I've heard your hard-luck story,
and while I hate to kick
a man when he's down,
I am offering you
one agonizing choice:
You are either going
to lose the 3200 or me.
That might not be so agonizing.
God'll get you
for that, Williams.
I-I wasn't thinkin'
of you, ma'am.
I was relatin' my own
situation with my own wife.
Miserable.
Well, much obliged
for the facilities.
Maude, I know you didn't
mean what you just said.
You must be reading my mind.
In which case, you don't realize
that two pages
are stuck together.
In between
yesterday's "I love you"
and tomorrow's "I love you,"
there's one page that
says, "Sell, Walter,
or else there'll
be no tomorrow."
Maudie. Walter.
Listen, I was just talking
to Mr. Williams out there.
He likes your bathroom.
Walter, your accountant
called my accountant.
Evidently, you wanna get
out from under this thing.
I learned what a good investment
you have there for $8000.
Well, Arthur, if you think
that the Riverview deal
is a good investment...
You think it's a
good investment?
Maude, please.
How 'bout buying
my end of the deal?
Walter, what a brilliant idea.
Maude, how would you
like to go into the kitchen
and make some coffee?
It won't work, Walter.
You have got a good
deal there for $8000,
but it is not a good idea
to do business with friends.
Because when it
comes to business,
friendship goes out the window.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
I know that, Arthur.
All right, I'll give you $5500
for your end of the deal.
Arthur, come on.
Arthur, dear,
I have some hors d'oeuvres
left over from last night,
plus some extra special goodies
I whipped up especially for you.
Maudie, they look delicious.
How about a Swedish meatball?
Thank you.
How about a pig in the blanket?
Thank you.
How about 7000?
Sorry, 5500 is my final offer.
If you thought it was
a good deal at eight,
why won't you give us seven?
Business is business, Maudie.
Besides, I have to charge
you for moving expenses.
What moving expenses?
Well, if I buy it that
picket has to move
from your door to my door.
Oh, give me that.
I'd rather see it
rotting in the freezer.
Arthur, thank you, darling.
We're going to take your offer.
No, we're not. I'd
still be losing $2500.
Or me.
Is that your choice, Walter?
Don't push your luck, Arthur.
And don't push
yours either, Walter.
Don't push yours either, Mother.
You signed that paper too.
Oh, come on, Carol, I
may have signed the paper,
but it was Walter
who brought it home.
Oh, you and your husband
sign a piece of paper.
Neither one of you
knows what you're signing,
but suddenly he's more
to blame than you are.
Walter, Carol's right.
Sell the tenement to Arthur,
and I'll personally
make up the 2500.
What? Where'd you
get $2500, Maude?
Household accounts.
You know us housewives,
a little less red meat here,
day-old bread, cheating at keno.
Maude!
Okay, all right, in
four years of marriage
I've saved $40.
Forty dollars. I'm
talking about 2500.
Oh, Walter, please don't
nitpick about a lousy $2460. Sell.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
You're crazy.
Everybody's crazy!
Hello. Mike?
It's the accountant.
What? What?
Sensational!
What? What did he say?
It's not the happiest
news in the world,
but it's almost the
happiest news in the world.
Okay, thanks, Mike. What? What?
Don't look like the cat who
swallowed the telephone. Talk.
He found me a buyer.
Seven thousand dollars.
Walter, you only lost
a thousand dollars.
I'm so proud of you.
Don't say I didn't try
to help you, Walter.
Do you mind if I
say that, Arthur?
You didn't try to help him.
All right, you people
just don't understand,
that's the problem with you.
You simply don't
understand the old F.E.S.
Free enterprise
system. Ha-ha-ha!
Listen, honey, sweetie, I
know you're awfully unhappy
about that thousand dollars,
but I swear to you,
I'll make it up to you.
I promise.
I mean, tonight alone
I'll make it up to you.
Mr. Williams! Mr. Williams,
would you come here, please?
We have some
wonderful news for you.
He's so happy, he
dropped his sign.
He's running up the lawn.
Hi, again.
Somebody here must know
me better than I know myself.
Uh, what do you
mean, Mr. Williams?
Wasn't you calling me in
to offer me the
facilities again?
Oh, no, but of course
you can use them.
Now, come in. I
have wonderful news.
Mr. Findlay and I
sold our end of 401.
We are no longer slumlords.
Is that so?
I'm gonna miss
that nice white tile
and that nice border on
top of the yellow fishes.
Walter, how much cash
do you have on you?
I don't know, 50, $60.
Mr. Williams, I know
this isn't very much...
Especially when they said
you couldn't fix the building up
for less than a hundred thou.
Still and all, you can't look at
everything that way, young lady.
I might do some
good with this money.
What a lovely thought.
Yeah.
We have 'em now and then.
Well, goodbye, everybody.
And to you, nice plants,
I hope you grow up to be
as big as Volkswagens too.
I forgot my transistor radio
and my 4-inch Sony TV.
What is he doing in here?
He's in here because
we just gave him
some wonderful news, Florida.
We sold our end of 401.
We are no longer slumlords.
CAROL: All's right, Florida.
And just to ease her conscience,
Mother gave Mr. Williams $60.
Carol, that's a
rotten thing to say.
I gave him the money
because the poor guy needed it.
How would you like to
live in his rat-infested,
roach-encrusted environment?
Don't be silly, Maude.
What good can $60 do
the people in that tenement?
Mr. Williams, why don't you
just run it up in a crap game?
Walter Findlay, what
a terrible thing to say.
I mean...
shows what you know
about black people. I...
Please, accept my
apology, Mr. Williams.
And you too. You too, Florida.
I mean, one thing for
sure, he's not gonna use it
to exploit the poor.
Right, Mr. Williams?
No, ma'am.
But to tell the truth,
$60 ain't much for a poor man.
What I might do is
just take this money
and put it on a worthy cause.
You see, Walter, Carol?
FLORIDA: He's smart.
Worthy Cause is
runnin' at 10-to-1.
Put 5 on the nose for me.
Fellas, I'm here to tell ya
that Maude's love and affection
is really gonna work for you.
Because last night, I can't
tell you how it worked for me.
I mean, I grew and
grew, and this morning
I feel 10 feet tall.
Walter, darling,
I couldn't help overhearing you.
That was a lovely tribute.
Sweetheart, you really
shouldn't talk that way
in front of the begonia.
I mean, he's just a baby.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪