Maude (1972–1978): Season 1, Episode 11 - Maude's Reunion - full transcript
Maude welcomes her old college friend for a visit but is stricken with regret when she sees how successful the friend has become.
[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
Carol, your mother must
have saved everything
from kindergarten
through college.
We're gonna be up to our
eyeballs in nostalgia tonight.
Listen to this, Walter, it's
from Mother's yearbook.
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes Maude
With a baby carriage.
That must be in every
yearbook that was ever written.
I finally found the pompons,
and you know where they were?
Up in the attic, in a box
marked "Christmas Decorations."
Maude, you'll never
believe what Carol found
in your high school yearbook.
This kid musta been
a real fortuneteller.
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes love
And another marriage.
Then comes love
And another marriage
Then comes love
And another marriage...
Easy, Findlay, or the
next box in the attic
will be marked "Walter."
Look what... You have
all that stuff spread out.
Bunny's gonna be
here any minute now,
and the place is a wreck.
Mother, why did you
keep all this junk?
Junk? Oh, Carol, be kind.
Honey, there's a big chunk of
my life kicking around in there.
No, I just thought Bunny
would get a kick out of it.
After all, we were together
for four years in high school
and two years in college and...
Golly, do you realize I haven't
seen her in over 25 years?
Maude, who was Roger?
Roger? Roger who?
You don't remember Roger?
And he wrote:
I think you're grand
I think you're mighty
I want my pajamas
Next to your nightie.
Oh, that Roger.
Oh, Walter, I'll
never forget him.
A sweet boy, absolutely
insane about me.
Then how come he added,
Don't get excited
Don't get misled
I mean on the clothesline
Not on your bed.
Because he was also a fink.
Mother, were you
really a cheerleader?
Carol, are you kidding?
I was the captain.
Hey, come on, Maude.
Let's have one of
your college cheers.
Oh, come on. I haven't
done one in a hundred years.
Oh. I remember when the
W covered my entire chest.
You got room enough
now to spell out
"Massachusetts
Institute of Technology."
Thank you, Walter.
And I'll remember
that little remark
the next time you wake
me at 3 in the morning
with one of your simple
"yes" or "no" questions.
Quit stalling.
Give us one of your cheers.
Oh, come on, Carol. I
haven't done them in...
That doesn't matter.
That's a great idea!
I don't even remember
where the feet go.
Come on, Maude,
we'd love to see it!
Really? All right.
Oh, I can't.
Oh, come on, Maude!
And... ♪ Go, team, go ♪ Rah!
♪ Marching down the field ♪
Rah!
♪ No, no, no ♪
Rah!
♪ We will never yield ♪
♪ Come on and
cheer Cheer, cheer ♪
♪ For the yellow and the gray ♪
♪ Our alma mater
Is winning today ♪
Rah, rah, rah!
Maude, that was great.
It was simply sensational.
It was a hell of a lot easier
before I started lugging around
the "Massachusetts
Institute of Technology."
Florida! Have you found
those pennants yet?
Yay, team!
We can pass it, we can block it,
we can really, really sock it.
We can move it to the left,
we can move it to the right.
We can do the boogie-woogie,
so fight, team, fight!
Wonderful.
MAUDE: Florida, that was great.
Well, thank you, Maude.
But we better not ever
do a cheer together,
or you gonna need
earthquake insurance.
[LAUGHS]
Oh! See you all tomorrow.
Mother, I've got your
college yearbook here,
but I can't find Bunny.
Oh, well, honey, her real
name is Phyllis, Phyllis Nash.
We just called her Bunny
because of an overbite.
She was also called "Mousy."
But she was a
lovely, gentle girl
with a marvelous personality
and a beautiful, beautiful soul.
A real dog, huh?
Like you wouldn't believe!
Whew.
Here she is. Here she is.
Oh, yes.
What's she doing now?
Oh, I don't know. On the phone,
she said something
about being with Avon.
You mean, ding-dong?
Selling door-to-door?
Yeah, I guess so.
Oh, I'm so excited.
Bunny Nash. After
all these years.
Maude, what do we call
her, Bunny or Mousy?
Don't you dare call her Mousy.
It's all right to
call her Bunny,
because she never knew
why we called her that.
But I really want you to
be careful what you say.
She's a very sensitive
girl and cries easily,
especially at certain
times of the month.
While I'm thinking of it,
I'd better hide that PTA
"Mother of the Year" award.
Seeing that'll be like rubbing
salt into an open wound.
CAROL: Why?
Why shouldn't she see a
"Mother of the Year" award
that's 20 years old?
Carol, that's just what I
mean about being sensitive.
Honey, Phyllis never married.
She's totally alone.
I mean, she's had a
rough enough time of it.
She's not gonna get hurt in
her old buddy Maude's house.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Here. Here. No jokes.
Take all this
stuff into the den.
And listen, both of you, be
very careful what you say.
I mean, no matter
what she looks like,
Phyllis was very
important to me.
Maude.
Phyllis?
Maude.
Phyllis?
Phyllis!
Ah! Bunny!
Bunny! Bunny!
Chunky! Chunky!
Chunky!
You had your teeth fixed!
And that isn't
all you had fixed.
You're beautiful!
Oh, no, Maude, it's you!
You are beautiful!
Oh, come on, Phyllis.
Look at you! You're...
Honey, you're gorgeous!
Oh, no, really, Maude, really.
You are a striking woman.
Oh, thank you, Phyllis.
But you, I mean, you're...
You are stunning!
How could we ever
have called you...?
Mousy?
[LAUGHS]
Well, I guess I was a
little mousy way back then,
but, Maude, how could we
have ever called you chunky?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Maybe I was a little
chunky for a while back then.
Oh, I want you
to meet my family.
Walter, Carol, this is Phyllis.
Hello, Carol.
This is Phyllis?
Walter, we've already done that.
Phyl, Phyl...
Picking up the phone
and calling me outta the blue,
after 25 years,
you're actually here.
Oh, Maude.
Oh, I can hardly
believe it myself.
Oh, Maude, I hope you're
going to forgive me, darling,
but I can only
stay a short time.
I have an appointment in town,
and I'm due in
Boston this evening.
What's in Boston?
Oh, it's just business.
It's something that came
up at the very last minute.
Oh, Mother thought you
were... Aren't you an Avon lady?
Well, I suppose I am in a way,
but I happen to be one
of the vice presidents.
Bunny, you mean,
you're a vice president
of the company?
Oh, Maude, I have been
for the past seven years.
And, oh, Maude, I haven't
been called Bunny for 20 years.
Oh, Maude, Maude!
Aw, the hell with Boston!
Listen, I can let that wait.
Invite me to dinner,
and I'll stay over.
Oh, wonderful! Wonderful!
Come, we have so
much catching up to do.
Let's see.
I am dying to find
out what it's like
to be vice president of Avon.
Oh, it's fantastic.
I just love every minute of it.
And there's the old
gang to talk about.
Are you discriminated against
because you're a woman?
You know, uh, I often
hear from May and Flo.
Oh, any company
that's with it today, Carol,
accepts you for what you are.
You know, uh, May
moved to Ashtabula.
No, no, Phyllis,
most corporations
are still discriminating
against women.
Oh, but more and more
companies are coming along, Carol.
Yeah, but I often
wonder about Gwen.
Listen, if I could do it,
a bright young woman
like you can do it.
You know, uh, after Fred
was arrested for embezzling,
I hear Gwen took to the streets.
In the corporation I work for,
there is only one woman in
a major executive capacity.
Yeah, and later, she
turned into an ax murderess.
Isn't that nice?
Oh, well, while I
remember, Maude,
I have to call the airport. Oh.
May I use your phone?
I must have that
number here somewhere.
Oh, look what I just found.
Incidentally, Carol,
I love that dress.
CAROL: Well, thank you.
Hello. Operations, please.
Yes, this is Phyllis Nash.
Yes, listen. Could you
hangar my plane for me?
Yes. I have to postpone my
trip until 9 tomorrow morning.
All right? Thank you.
You have your
own plane, Phyllis?
Well, actually, it's
the company plane.
But you fly it yourself?
Well, there's a company pilot,
but I enjoy taking
over the controls.
Well, Maude, what's this?
It's nothing, dear.
It's probably some
old award I won.
Oh, Maude, "the Tuckahoe
Parent Teachers Association."
"Mother of the Year, 1951."
Oh, isn't that adorable?
It really is quite
an honor, Phyl.
You know, they only
give them out every year.
Isn't that nice?
Well, now, listen, I have
to be running along now
to my appointment.
Now, I'm to be back
here at 7? Seven.
Okay.
Ah, thank you.
Oh, Maude, isn't
life full of surprises?
Here, you end up
Mother of the Year,
and I bet half the senior class
thought she'd be the
first woman president.
I'll see you later.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Oh, look, in this country,
anybody can become president,
but how many presidents
can be Mother of the Year?
Poor Mousy.
Poor Mousy?
Maude, that's "Mighty Mousy."
I... I wanna thank both of
you for being so sweet to Phyl.
I mean, for... For making
her feel so wanted.
For building her up.
Mother, what are
you talking about?
That woman doesn't
need building up,
she's got everything
she could possibly want.
You bet she has. She's got
the world by the tail, Maude.
Neither one of you can see
one eighth of an inch
below the surface, can you?
Sure, Phyl may have a marvelous
job, and fly her own plane,
and make her own decisions,
but, oh, underneath
all that bull,
and believe me,
that's exactly what it is,
Phyllis is a very
unhappy, unfulfilled lady.
Trapped in a...
In a plastic world.
And you have the
insensitivity to say
that she has the
world by the tail?
She's miserable.
Oh, Bunny.
Bunny, what have
I done with my life?
So the upshot of the thing was
he didn't have kidney stones.
But that didn't stop the jokes
because the poor
guy's name was Stone.
See, Benjamin
Stone. Kidney stone.
[LAUGHS]
Heh. That's
fascinating, Dr. Harmon.
Funny too, Arthur.
Right up there with
your other jokes.
Thank you, Carol.
You know, they're
always accusing doctors
of talking shop. I-I
gotta stop talking shop.
I realize it was a funny joke,
but I gotta stop talking shop.
How 'bout you, uh, Miss Nash,
I understand you're with Avon.
Mm.
I imagine you have
quite a high rate
of varicose veins
in that business.
Maude, Maude, we have guests.
We both shouldn't be in here.
Look, we were
talking about Phyllis,
and I'm very interested
in your reaction.
I mean, to the
career-woman thing.
I assume you're
fairly interested.
It's not uninteresting.
More interesting
than the
wife-and-motherhood thing?
I don't even know how
to compare the two.
Don't you lie to me, Walter.
I see the natural male interest
in the... In the unknown, the
untamed, the undomesticated,
but let me tell you
something, Walter Findlay,
that sometimes you'll
find more pure passion
and more hot blood in the known,
and the tamed, and
the domesticated,
and have you any idea
what I'm talking about?
No. Neither do I.
Now, please, get out of here
while I'm working
in the kitchen.
Maude...
why are you so
troubled about Phyllis?
Because she's my friend,
Walter, and her life is so empty.
I mean, if you had a
friend whose life was empty,
wouldn't you try to fill it up?
No, because what
can you fill it up with
except your own life?
That means when you
fill hers, yours is empty.
That's a lovely philosophy.
Is there any more to that?
Yes, I was also going to say...
Who cares, Walter? Who cares?
Coffee, everybody.
Maudie, this is, uh,
quite a little friend
you've got here. Have
you heard her schedule?
Tomorrow she has to be in
Boston and then New Orleans,
and the day after that,
she has to be in Paris.
Paris?
Oh, poor, dear Phyllis,
always... Always on the go.
Honey, why don't you talk them
into giving you a
nice, quiet desk job,
where you can get
to meet somebody
and maybe settle down?
Maude, a desk job and meeting
someone and settling down
are three ingredients that
tend to make me throw up.
[LAUGHING]
Touché, Mother.
Yeah, touché yourself.
Honey, why don't you go
upstairs and wake up Phillip?
I'd love Phyllis to
see how cute he is
when his eyes
are all fuzzy-wuzzy
and his little cheeks...
Because, Mother,
she already saw him.
She was upstairs with
me when I put him to bed.
Oh, sure, I even did
"The Slithergadee" for him.
"The Slithergadee"? What's that?
Oh, don't you know that?
"The Slithergadee" is an
old poem. It goes like this...
Phyllis, honey, I'm sorry,
but with all due respect,
in order to do "The
Slithergadee" properly,
you have to know
something about children,
which is where being a mother
and a grandmother come in handy.
Now, first of all, you
have to find a doorway,
and you stand
in it like this, see?
And, then, it goes...
The Slithergadee
Came out of the sea,
And it caught everybody,
But it didn't catch me.
You didn't catch me,
You old Slithergadee!
You caught everybody,
But you'll never catch me...
[SCREAMING]
[LAUGHING]
Oh, Maude.
Maude, that was wonderful.
How come I never
heard you do that before?
Well, because right
after you say your prayers,
you like me to
sing you to sleep.
Anyway, Phyl, now you know
how "The Slithergadee" goes.
Yes, indeed and that is
exactly the way I did it.
You know, Maude,
there are some things
even an Avon girl can learn
without being a mother
and a grandmother.
Now, come on,
Phyllis... Arthur? Yeah?
Why don't we go shoot some pool
and give Phyllis and Maude
a chance to reminisce?
Okay by me.
When they said they
needed an extra man,
I didn't know it was
going to be for Walter.
Nice meeting you.
See you later, girls.
Wait. I haven't
got a pool table.
Come on!
Brandy, Phyl?
Please.
Well, ladies, I'm sure
you'd like to be alone.
Phyllis, I loved meeting you.
Oh, the feeling
is mutual, Carol,
and I'll see that it
happens again and soon.
Good. I'll look forward to it.
Good night, Mother.
Night, honey.
She's a wonderful girl, Maude.
She's really got
it all together.
All except a man.
What's so important about a man?
Oh, come on, Phyl. Get
off it. We're alone now.
What is a woman without a man?
Hey, remember that question
in Hasler's class,
Philosophy of Logic I?
Um... "Does a tree
make a sound in the forest
when it falls unless
there's an ear to hear it?"
Maude, are you trying to say
that a woman needs a
man to prove her existence?
In a way.
Oh, come on now, Maude.
Sweetheart...
I don't buy it,
and even if I did,
I've got them in all
shapes and sizes,
from the 53-year-old head
of a $2 billion conglomerate
to a 28-year-old beach boy.
Oh, come on now, Phyl, you
know we're not talking about that.
We're talking about one man.
One man to love and to cherish,
and to take care of,
who'll take care of...
Did you say a
28-year-old beach boy?
To old friends.
To old friends.
To you, Chunky.
To you, Mousy.
Oh, that still hurts.
Yeah, well, "Chunky"
isn't exactly a pick-me-up.
Oh, Lord, we were young then.
Hey, Phyl, here's our
high school yearbook.
Remember Gloria Farelli? Oh...
Oh, beautiful hair,
beautiful eyes,
magnificent nose,
absolutely no chin.
See what she wrote?
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes Maude
With a baby carriage.
Very original.
Listen, these old
chestnuts still make a point.
First comes love
Then comes marriage.
Come on, Maude. Turn the page.
Did I say something wrong, Phyl?
Yes, by insinuation.
Oh, come on.
If I say something
wrong I say it straight out
and flat out and
never by insinuation.
Besides, I never
say anything wrong
because I happen to
be a perfect person.
Come on, now, Maude.
Ever since I walked in here,
you have bombarded me
with your wonderful home,
your wonderful marriage,
your wonderful daughter,
your wonderful et cetera.
Because I have a wonderful home,
and a wonderful marriage,
and a wonderful daughter,
and a... And a
wonderful et cetera,
and while we're at it,
where do you get off
bombarding me all evening
with your wonderful job,
and your wonderful plane,
and your wonderful
sense of freedom?
Hey! I-I never said anything
about a wonderful
sense of freedom.
Maybe you didn't say anything
about a wonderful
sense of freedom.
Maybe somebody
else said something
about a wonderful
sense of freedom.
Maybe I said something about
a wonderful sense of freedom.
Phyllis, why do you
resent my happiness?
Maude, is that what you think?
Oh, come on, honey,
it's as plain as the
caps on your teeth.
[SIGHS]
Maude, ever since
we were in high school,
even in college, you
majored in feeling sorry for me.
Here it is, 25 years later,
I am a smashing success,
and you're still
feeling sorry for me.
You make it sound like
I'm limping through life
under some burden
of success and freedom
while you're marching to glory
with a can of Drano
and a Johnny Mop.
You know, you
were more beautiful
when we called you Mousy.
Don't look now, Maude,
but your schoolgirl
dreams are showing.
You're eating your heart
out because Bunny Nash
is leading the life
you could have had.
"Could have had" is right.
You said yourself,
half the senior class
thought I'd be the
first woman president.
But you chose not to run.
I'll tell you something
better than that.
You know, in a way, Maude,
I owe my career to you.
I mean, every time
something big came up,
I'd say to myself, "Now,
what would Maude do
in this situation?"
And then I'd do it.
Really, Phyl?
Really, Maude, so don't blame me
because you turned it down.
You know something else?
I would turn it
down again, Phyl,
for just what I have now: roots.
And don't think I didn't
work like hell for 'em.
I hit three lemons
before I hit the jackpot.
But I hit the jackpot, Phyl.
I hit the jackpot
I always wanted.
Do you know what that means? No.
Do you know what that means?
That means that
I'm... 47 years old
and all I have to show
for it is a hokey plaque
that says I'm some
kind of a mother.
Oh, Maude, for Pete's sake.
Don't... Don't start crying
or you'll have me crying too.
Maude, what each of
us has been trying to do
is justify her own life.
But why should I have
to justify my life, Phyl?
I love my life.
Maude, I love mine. I really do.
You mean that you...
You wouldn't trade
your life for mine?
No way.
Maude, would you
trade yours for mine?
Not a chance.
Except I have to admit
that I hear about your career,
and your romances, and...
Well, the thought does
flit across my mind.
How 'bout you?
Oh, well, sometimes
when I look at a wonderful...
nice man like Walter,
I think, maybe...
Do you really mean that?
Oh, maybe.
Oh, let's face it, Maude.
No matter what you get
in life, you can't have it all.
[BOTH SNIFFLING]
Well, to the next episode
of Bunny and Maude.
Only if I can have the
Kleenex concession.
Phyl, I have a confession.
Yeah?
[SOBBING] I want it all.
So do I, Maude. So do I.
Oh, hi, Maude. Hi, honey.
Say, Maude, has Bunny gone
back to her hotel room yet?
Yup. And I wanna tell
you something, Walter.
Bunny may be
beautiful and successful,
but if you think I'm unhappy
that I'm not in that hotel room,
you're dead wrong.
I wasn't thinking
that, I was thinking
how unhappy I am I'm
not in that hotel room.
That's a terrible thing to say!
I was fooling! I
was fooling, Maude!
I was fooling!
[ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
[♪♪♪]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]
♪ Lady Godiva Was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She didn't care ♪
♪ If the whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord To guide her ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ She was a sister
Who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first Bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't you glad
She showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the
country Was fallin' apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross Got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ That uncompromisin'
Enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin'
Right on, Maude! ♪
Carol, your mother must
have saved everything
from kindergarten
through college.
We're gonna be up to our
eyeballs in nostalgia tonight.
Listen to this, Walter, it's
from Mother's yearbook.
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes Maude
With a baby carriage.
That must be in every
yearbook that was ever written.
I finally found the pompons,
and you know where they were?
Up in the attic, in a box
marked "Christmas Decorations."
Maude, you'll never
believe what Carol found
in your high school yearbook.
This kid musta been
a real fortuneteller.
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes love
And another marriage.
Then comes love
And another marriage
Then comes love
And another marriage...
Easy, Findlay, or the
next box in the attic
will be marked "Walter."
Look what... You have
all that stuff spread out.
Bunny's gonna be
here any minute now,
and the place is a wreck.
Mother, why did you
keep all this junk?
Junk? Oh, Carol, be kind.
Honey, there's a big chunk of
my life kicking around in there.
No, I just thought Bunny
would get a kick out of it.
After all, we were together
for four years in high school
and two years in college and...
Golly, do you realize I haven't
seen her in over 25 years?
Maude, who was Roger?
Roger? Roger who?
You don't remember Roger?
And he wrote:
I think you're grand
I think you're mighty
I want my pajamas
Next to your nightie.
Oh, that Roger.
Oh, Walter, I'll
never forget him.
A sweet boy, absolutely
insane about me.
Then how come he added,
Don't get excited
Don't get misled
I mean on the clothesline
Not on your bed.
Because he was also a fink.
Mother, were you
really a cheerleader?
Carol, are you kidding?
I was the captain.
Hey, come on, Maude.
Let's have one of
your college cheers.
Oh, come on. I haven't
done one in a hundred years.
Oh. I remember when the
W covered my entire chest.
You got room enough
now to spell out
"Massachusetts
Institute of Technology."
Thank you, Walter.
And I'll remember
that little remark
the next time you wake
me at 3 in the morning
with one of your simple
"yes" or "no" questions.
Quit stalling.
Give us one of your cheers.
Oh, come on, Carol. I
haven't done them in...
That doesn't matter.
That's a great idea!
I don't even remember
where the feet go.
Come on, Maude,
we'd love to see it!
Really? All right.
Oh, I can't.
Oh, come on, Maude!
And... ♪ Go, team, go ♪ Rah!
♪ Marching down the field ♪
Rah!
♪ No, no, no ♪
Rah!
♪ We will never yield ♪
♪ Come on and
cheer Cheer, cheer ♪
♪ For the yellow and the gray ♪
♪ Our alma mater
Is winning today ♪
Rah, rah, rah!
Maude, that was great.
It was simply sensational.
It was a hell of a lot easier
before I started lugging around
the "Massachusetts
Institute of Technology."
Florida! Have you found
those pennants yet?
Yay, team!
We can pass it, we can block it,
we can really, really sock it.
We can move it to the left,
we can move it to the right.
We can do the boogie-woogie,
so fight, team, fight!
Wonderful.
MAUDE: Florida, that was great.
Well, thank you, Maude.
But we better not ever
do a cheer together,
or you gonna need
earthquake insurance.
[LAUGHS]
Oh! See you all tomorrow.
Mother, I've got your
college yearbook here,
but I can't find Bunny.
Oh, well, honey, her real
name is Phyllis, Phyllis Nash.
We just called her Bunny
because of an overbite.
She was also called "Mousy."
But she was a
lovely, gentle girl
with a marvelous personality
and a beautiful, beautiful soul.
A real dog, huh?
Like you wouldn't believe!
Whew.
Here she is. Here she is.
Oh, yes.
What's she doing now?
Oh, I don't know. On the phone,
she said something
about being with Avon.
You mean, ding-dong?
Selling door-to-door?
Yeah, I guess so.
Oh, I'm so excited.
Bunny Nash. After
all these years.
Maude, what do we call
her, Bunny or Mousy?
Don't you dare call her Mousy.
It's all right to
call her Bunny,
because she never knew
why we called her that.
But I really want you to
be careful what you say.
She's a very sensitive
girl and cries easily,
especially at certain
times of the month.
While I'm thinking of it,
I'd better hide that PTA
"Mother of the Year" award.
Seeing that'll be like rubbing
salt into an open wound.
CAROL: Why?
Why shouldn't she see a
"Mother of the Year" award
that's 20 years old?
Carol, that's just what I
mean about being sensitive.
Honey, Phyllis never married.
She's totally alone.
I mean, she's had a
rough enough time of it.
She's not gonna get hurt in
her old buddy Maude's house.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Here. Here. No jokes.
Take all this
stuff into the den.
And listen, both of you, be
very careful what you say.
I mean, no matter
what she looks like,
Phyllis was very
important to me.
Maude.
Phyllis?
Maude.
Phyllis?
Phyllis!
Ah! Bunny!
Bunny! Bunny!
Chunky! Chunky!
Chunky!
You had your teeth fixed!
And that isn't
all you had fixed.
You're beautiful!
Oh, no, Maude, it's you!
You are beautiful!
Oh, come on, Phyllis.
Look at you! You're...
Honey, you're gorgeous!
Oh, no, really, Maude, really.
You are a striking woman.
Oh, thank you, Phyllis.
But you, I mean, you're...
You are stunning!
How could we ever
have called you...?
Mousy?
[LAUGHS]
Well, I guess I was a
little mousy way back then,
but, Maude, how could we
have ever called you chunky?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Maybe I was a little
chunky for a while back then.
Oh, I want you
to meet my family.
Walter, Carol, this is Phyllis.
Hello, Carol.
This is Phyllis?
Walter, we've already done that.
Phyl, Phyl...
Picking up the phone
and calling me outta the blue,
after 25 years,
you're actually here.
Oh, Maude.
Oh, I can hardly
believe it myself.
Oh, Maude, I hope you're
going to forgive me, darling,
but I can only
stay a short time.
I have an appointment in town,
and I'm due in
Boston this evening.
What's in Boston?
Oh, it's just business.
It's something that came
up at the very last minute.
Oh, Mother thought you
were... Aren't you an Avon lady?
Well, I suppose I am in a way,
but I happen to be one
of the vice presidents.
Bunny, you mean,
you're a vice president
of the company?
Oh, Maude, I have been
for the past seven years.
And, oh, Maude, I haven't
been called Bunny for 20 years.
Oh, Maude, Maude!
Aw, the hell with Boston!
Listen, I can let that wait.
Invite me to dinner,
and I'll stay over.
Oh, wonderful! Wonderful!
Come, we have so
much catching up to do.
Let's see.
I am dying to find
out what it's like
to be vice president of Avon.
Oh, it's fantastic.
I just love every minute of it.
And there's the old
gang to talk about.
Are you discriminated against
because you're a woman?
You know, uh, I often
hear from May and Flo.
Oh, any company
that's with it today, Carol,
accepts you for what you are.
You know, uh, May
moved to Ashtabula.
No, no, Phyllis,
most corporations
are still discriminating
against women.
Oh, but more and more
companies are coming along, Carol.
Yeah, but I often
wonder about Gwen.
Listen, if I could do it,
a bright young woman
like you can do it.
You know, uh, after Fred
was arrested for embezzling,
I hear Gwen took to the streets.
In the corporation I work for,
there is only one woman in
a major executive capacity.
Yeah, and later, she
turned into an ax murderess.
Isn't that nice?
Oh, well, while I
remember, Maude,
I have to call the airport. Oh.
May I use your phone?
I must have that
number here somewhere.
Oh, look what I just found.
Incidentally, Carol,
I love that dress.
CAROL: Well, thank you.
Hello. Operations, please.
Yes, this is Phyllis Nash.
Yes, listen. Could you
hangar my plane for me?
Yes. I have to postpone my
trip until 9 tomorrow morning.
All right? Thank you.
You have your
own plane, Phyllis?
Well, actually, it's
the company plane.
But you fly it yourself?
Well, there's a company pilot,
but I enjoy taking
over the controls.
Well, Maude, what's this?
It's nothing, dear.
It's probably some
old award I won.
Oh, Maude, "the Tuckahoe
Parent Teachers Association."
"Mother of the Year, 1951."
Oh, isn't that adorable?
It really is quite
an honor, Phyl.
You know, they only
give them out every year.
Isn't that nice?
Well, now, listen, I have
to be running along now
to my appointment.
Now, I'm to be back
here at 7? Seven.
Okay.
Ah, thank you.
Oh, Maude, isn't
life full of surprises?
Here, you end up
Mother of the Year,
and I bet half the senior class
thought she'd be the
first woman president.
I'll see you later.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Oh, look, in this country,
anybody can become president,
but how many presidents
can be Mother of the Year?
Poor Mousy.
Poor Mousy?
Maude, that's "Mighty Mousy."
I... I wanna thank both of
you for being so sweet to Phyl.
I mean, for... For making
her feel so wanted.
For building her up.
Mother, what are
you talking about?
That woman doesn't
need building up,
she's got everything
she could possibly want.
You bet she has. She's got
the world by the tail, Maude.
Neither one of you can see
one eighth of an inch
below the surface, can you?
Sure, Phyl may have a marvelous
job, and fly her own plane,
and make her own decisions,
but, oh, underneath
all that bull,
and believe me,
that's exactly what it is,
Phyllis is a very
unhappy, unfulfilled lady.
Trapped in a...
In a plastic world.
And you have the
insensitivity to say
that she has the
world by the tail?
She's miserable.
Oh, Bunny.
Bunny, what have
I done with my life?
So the upshot of the thing was
he didn't have kidney stones.
But that didn't stop the jokes
because the poor
guy's name was Stone.
See, Benjamin
Stone. Kidney stone.
[LAUGHS]
Heh. That's
fascinating, Dr. Harmon.
Funny too, Arthur.
Right up there with
your other jokes.
Thank you, Carol.
You know, they're
always accusing doctors
of talking shop. I-I
gotta stop talking shop.
I realize it was a funny joke,
but I gotta stop talking shop.
How 'bout you, uh, Miss Nash,
I understand you're with Avon.
Mm.
I imagine you have
quite a high rate
of varicose veins
in that business.
Maude, Maude, we have guests.
We both shouldn't be in here.
Look, we were
talking about Phyllis,
and I'm very interested
in your reaction.
I mean, to the
career-woman thing.
I assume you're
fairly interested.
It's not uninteresting.
More interesting
than the
wife-and-motherhood thing?
I don't even know how
to compare the two.
Don't you lie to me, Walter.
I see the natural male interest
in the... In the unknown, the
untamed, the undomesticated,
but let me tell you
something, Walter Findlay,
that sometimes you'll
find more pure passion
and more hot blood in the known,
and the tamed, and
the domesticated,
and have you any idea
what I'm talking about?
No. Neither do I.
Now, please, get out of here
while I'm working
in the kitchen.
Maude...
why are you so
troubled about Phyllis?
Because she's my friend,
Walter, and her life is so empty.
I mean, if you had a
friend whose life was empty,
wouldn't you try to fill it up?
No, because what
can you fill it up with
except your own life?
That means when you
fill hers, yours is empty.
That's a lovely philosophy.
Is there any more to that?
Yes, I was also going to say...
Who cares, Walter? Who cares?
Coffee, everybody.
Maudie, this is, uh,
quite a little friend
you've got here. Have
you heard her schedule?
Tomorrow she has to be in
Boston and then New Orleans,
and the day after that,
she has to be in Paris.
Paris?
Oh, poor, dear Phyllis,
always... Always on the go.
Honey, why don't you talk them
into giving you a
nice, quiet desk job,
where you can get
to meet somebody
and maybe settle down?
Maude, a desk job and meeting
someone and settling down
are three ingredients that
tend to make me throw up.
[LAUGHING]
Touché, Mother.
Yeah, touché yourself.
Honey, why don't you go
upstairs and wake up Phillip?
I'd love Phyllis to
see how cute he is
when his eyes
are all fuzzy-wuzzy
and his little cheeks...
Because, Mother,
she already saw him.
She was upstairs with
me when I put him to bed.
Oh, sure, I even did
"The Slithergadee" for him.
"The Slithergadee"? What's that?
Oh, don't you know that?
"The Slithergadee" is an
old poem. It goes like this...
Phyllis, honey, I'm sorry,
but with all due respect,
in order to do "The
Slithergadee" properly,
you have to know
something about children,
which is where being a mother
and a grandmother come in handy.
Now, first of all, you
have to find a doorway,
and you stand
in it like this, see?
And, then, it goes...
The Slithergadee
Came out of the sea,
And it caught everybody,
But it didn't catch me.
You didn't catch me,
You old Slithergadee!
You caught everybody,
But you'll never catch me...
[SCREAMING]
[LAUGHING]
Oh, Maude.
Maude, that was wonderful.
How come I never
heard you do that before?
Well, because right
after you say your prayers,
you like me to
sing you to sleep.
Anyway, Phyl, now you know
how "The Slithergadee" goes.
Yes, indeed and that is
exactly the way I did it.
You know, Maude,
there are some things
even an Avon girl can learn
without being a mother
and a grandmother.
Now, come on,
Phyllis... Arthur? Yeah?
Why don't we go shoot some pool
and give Phyllis and Maude
a chance to reminisce?
Okay by me.
When they said they
needed an extra man,
I didn't know it was
going to be for Walter.
Nice meeting you.
See you later, girls.
Wait. I haven't
got a pool table.
Come on!
Brandy, Phyl?
Please.
Well, ladies, I'm sure
you'd like to be alone.
Phyllis, I loved meeting you.
Oh, the feeling
is mutual, Carol,
and I'll see that it
happens again and soon.
Good. I'll look forward to it.
Good night, Mother.
Night, honey.
She's a wonderful girl, Maude.
She's really got
it all together.
All except a man.
What's so important about a man?
Oh, come on, Phyl. Get
off it. We're alone now.
What is a woman without a man?
Hey, remember that question
in Hasler's class,
Philosophy of Logic I?
Um... "Does a tree
make a sound in the forest
when it falls unless
there's an ear to hear it?"
Maude, are you trying to say
that a woman needs a
man to prove her existence?
In a way.
Oh, come on now, Maude.
Sweetheart...
I don't buy it,
and even if I did,
I've got them in all
shapes and sizes,
from the 53-year-old head
of a $2 billion conglomerate
to a 28-year-old beach boy.
Oh, come on now, Phyl, you
know we're not talking about that.
We're talking about one man.
One man to love and to cherish,
and to take care of,
who'll take care of...
Did you say a
28-year-old beach boy?
To old friends.
To old friends.
To you, Chunky.
To you, Mousy.
Oh, that still hurts.
Yeah, well, "Chunky"
isn't exactly a pick-me-up.
Oh, Lord, we were young then.
Hey, Phyl, here's our
high school yearbook.
Remember Gloria Farelli? Oh...
Oh, beautiful hair,
beautiful eyes,
magnificent nose,
absolutely no chin.
See what she wrote?
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes Maude
With a baby carriage.
Very original.
Listen, these old
chestnuts still make a point.
First comes love
Then comes marriage.
Come on, Maude. Turn the page.
Did I say something wrong, Phyl?
Yes, by insinuation.
Oh, come on.
If I say something
wrong I say it straight out
and flat out and
never by insinuation.
Besides, I never
say anything wrong
because I happen to
be a perfect person.
Come on, now, Maude.
Ever since I walked in here,
you have bombarded me
with your wonderful home,
your wonderful marriage,
your wonderful daughter,
your wonderful et cetera.
Because I have a wonderful home,
and a wonderful marriage,
and a wonderful daughter,
and a... And a
wonderful et cetera,
and while we're at it,
where do you get off
bombarding me all evening
with your wonderful job,
and your wonderful plane,
and your wonderful
sense of freedom?
Hey! I-I never said anything
about a wonderful
sense of freedom.
Maybe you didn't say anything
about a wonderful
sense of freedom.
Maybe somebody
else said something
about a wonderful
sense of freedom.
Maybe I said something about
a wonderful sense of freedom.
Phyllis, why do you
resent my happiness?
Maude, is that what you think?
Oh, come on, honey,
it's as plain as the
caps on your teeth.
[SIGHS]
Maude, ever since
we were in high school,
even in college, you
majored in feeling sorry for me.
Here it is, 25 years later,
I am a smashing success,
and you're still
feeling sorry for me.
You make it sound like
I'm limping through life
under some burden
of success and freedom
while you're marching to glory
with a can of Drano
and a Johnny Mop.
You know, you
were more beautiful
when we called you Mousy.
Don't look now, Maude,
but your schoolgirl
dreams are showing.
You're eating your heart
out because Bunny Nash
is leading the life
you could have had.
"Could have had" is right.
You said yourself,
half the senior class
thought I'd be the
first woman president.
But you chose not to run.
I'll tell you something
better than that.
You know, in a way, Maude,
I owe my career to you.
I mean, every time
something big came up,
I'd say to myself, "Now,
what would Maude do
in this situation?"
And then I'd do it.
Really, Phyl?
Really, Maude, so don't blame me
because you turned it down.
You know something else?
I would turn it
down again, Phyl,
for just what I have now: roots.
And don't think I didn't
work like hell for 'em.
I hit three lemons
before I hit the jackpot.
But I hit the jackpot, Phyl.
I hit the jackpot
I always wanted.
Do you know what that means? No.
Do you know what that means?
That means that
I'm... 47 years old
and all I have to show
for it is a hokey plaque
that says I'm some
kind of a mother.
Oh, Maude, for Pete's sake.
Don't... Don't start crying
or you'll have me crying too.
Maude, what each of
us has been trying to do
is justify her own life.
But why should I have
to justify my life, Phyl?
I love my life.
Maude, I love mine. I really do.
You mean that you...
You wouldn't trade
your life for mine?
No way.
Maude, would you
trade yours for mine?
Not a chance.
Except I have to admit
that I hear about your career,
and your romances, and...
Well, the thought does
flit across my mind.
How 'bout you?
Oh, well, sometimes
when I look at a wonderful...
nice man like Walter,
I think, maybe...
Do you really mean that?
Oh, maybe.
Oh, let's face it, Maude.
No matter what you get
in life, you can't have it all.
[BOTH SNIFFLING]
Well, to the next episode
of Bunny and Maude.
Only if I can have the
Kleenex concession.
Phyl, I have a confession.
Yeah?
[SOBBING] I want it all.
So do I, Maude. So do I.
Oh, hi, Maude. Hi, honey.
Say, Maude, has Bunny gone
back to her hotel room yet?
Yup. And I wanna tell
you something, Walter.
Bunny may be
beautiful and successful,
but if you think I'm unhappy
that I'm not in that hotel room,
you're dead wrong.
I wasn't thinking
that, I was thinking
how unhappy I am I'm
not in that hotel room.
That's a terrible thing to say!
I was fooling! I
was fooling, Maude!
I was fooling!
[ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
[♪♪♪]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
ANNOUNCER: Maude was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
♪ Right on, Maude! ♪
♪ And then There's Maude ♪