Master of None (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Dinner Party - full transcript

After welcoming the Jabbawockeez to his show, Dev struggles to find the right date to take to a dinner party thrown by his celebrity chef boss.

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[funky upbeat music playing]

[cheers and applause]

[DJ scratching records]

Welcome back to Clash of the Cupcakes.

Thank you, DJ Sweet Treats.

Right now, I have to share
some rather unpleasant news.

Uh, we were supposed to have
some very special guest judges today,

specifically five of them,

the legendary dance crew Jabbawockeez.

But, uh, I got here today,

and I didn't see 'em.



[audience groaning]

Hey!

I don't want to hear that.

They were supposed to be here.

I don't know what happened.

[exhilarating dance music playing]

[audience gasps]

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

Give it up for the Jabbawockeez!

We'll be right back with more
Clash of the Cupcakes.

[record scratching]

[funky upbeat music playing]



[sighs]

Hey, Dev.

Uh, great job, man, great job.

Uh, we got a small issue
on the last segment, though.

What's up, Lawrence?

So the Jabbawockeez,
they don't take their masks off.

They need to take the masks off, right?

They gotta taste the cupcakes.

I don't know.
Apparently, it's in their contract

that they don't take their masks off.

Like, somebody should have read that
beforehand.

Yeah, somebody, you.

You're the producer that booked 'em.

Ah, damn.

For real?

We gonna play the blame game?

Maybe what we should be doing

is putting our big boy pants on

to figure out a solution.

All right, Lawrence, what if, you know,

some of the guys are dancing in the front

and then one of the Wockeez

just dips behind the table
and eats the cupcakes there?

See what happens when we have teamwork,

when we work together?

That was just my idea.

Oh, oh.

So we're just going right back
to being childish, huh?

I'm just gonna go let the Wockeez
know our idea.

[sighs] Jesus.

Hey, Dev.

Hey, what's up, Lisa?

Just coming in for a quick touch-up.

Sure.

So you're Indian, right?

Yes.

Well, I'm friends with this Indian guy

I think you might know.

Come on, you're not gonna do that shit,
are you, Lisa?

You don't go up to white people and go,
"Hey, you're white, right?

I know this white person.
You might know 'em?"

Well, he said he went to college with you.
Rohan?

All right, I do know him.

-Hmm.
-My bad.

That's the only time in history
that hasn't been racist.

Uh, Dev, um, one more thing.

When we sign off, make sure you go,

"Thank you to the Jabbawockeez
for blessing the stage."

No, I'm not saying that.

But you have to. It's in the contract.

And when you say it,

make sure you put a little pizzazz in it.

Why didn't anyone read the contract?

I did read the contract.

I skimmed it.

I didn't skim too well.

I missed a couple of things.

-Jesus.
-Shit.

You're stressing me out.

-Lawrence.
-Huh?

You really need to floss
while we're doing our tapings?

Hell yeah. I don't fuck with plaque.

That shit like termites for your teeth.

Motherfucker don't even want me to floss.

[funky music playing]

♪ ♪

[dramatic music playing]

The competition is over,

and it's time for these cupcakes to clash.

What will be the judges'
cupcake conclusion?

Wockeez, it's time for the taste tests.

[beat drops]

[energetic dance music playing]

The Jabbawockeez have a very strict

don't-take-their-masks-off policy,

hence the dance routine
instead of a traditional taste.

♪ ♪

I don't know if it's

a secret identity issue or what it is,

but really doesn't seem
like a big deal to me.

♪ ♪

All right, guys, it's a 30-minute show.

Let's speed it up here.

♪ ♪

Really just need you to take a bite
of the cupcake.

♪ ♪

-[cheers and applause]
-And the dance is over...

finally.

[smacking lips]

What is your decision?

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

And the winner is

Jake's Cakes from Henderson, Nevada,

with their Red Velvet Underground
cupcakes.

Thank you so much for watching.
My name is Dev Shah.

This has been Clash of the Cupcakes.

And I also want to thank the Jabbawockeez

for... blessing the stage.

We'll see you next time.

Stay sweet, America.

[upbeat music playing]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause continue faintly]

-Surprise!
-Surprise!

Jesus!

It's just us.

How'd you guys get back here?

Oh, there's no security.
We just walked in.

It was really easy.

Figures.

Thank you so much for this experience.

We never thought we'd see the Wockeez

so up close and personal.

You know we're huge Wockee heads.

Can we go meet them now?

-We're so pumped.
-Please, please.

Yeah, sure.

-Yes!
-Yes!

Did you guys rehearse that?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Hey, guys, I-I had some friends

that just wanted to say hello
if that's cool.

Oh, my God.

It's Joe "Punkee" Larot,

Rynan "Kid Rainen" Paguio,

Phil "Swagger Boy" Tayag.

How do you know who's who?

I can tell by their movements.

You guys, that might have been
your best performance

since your dance with Taylor Swift
at the 2013 Billboard Music Awards.

Yeah, it was even better
than your routine with Shaq

at the 2009 All-Star Game.

And by the way, I'm Arnold,
and this is Brian.

And we know it's against Wockee code
to talk,

but we just wanted to come give you

a quick Jabba bow to pay our respects.

All right, what the fuck?

Okay, that's good, guys.

I'm sure the Wockeez have somewhere
to go dance.

Take care, guys.

Did I seem cool around them?

Dude, you did so great.

[Brian sighs]

Thanks for hooking us up, man.

Hey, do you want to grab dinner later?

I can't. I'm actually grabbing dinner
with Jeff Pastore tonight.

Wait, the Jeff Pastore, the TV guy,
Chef Jeff?

Yeah. He's a producer on the show.

He's kind of my boss.

Wow, I love Jeff's Table.

Did you ever see that Vietnam episode?

It was pho-nomenal.

[laughter]

Did anyone ever say that before?

Probably. At some point.

I don't know. It's pretty good.

I've never heard it.

What are you guys doing now?

Um, some friends of mine from Italy
are in town.

Remember Francesca and Pino?
We're going to the Brooklyn Museum.

-Care to join?
-No can do, bud.

We're heading up to Queens
to the Kids Foot Locker.

The Wockeez are doing
a little in-store blessing.

We got to get those primo seats.

Arnie, you're gonna block
all these kids' views.

First come, first served.

Buona sera!

Buona sera!

[Francesca] Shah!

-[laughs]
-[Dev] Hi.

-Wow.
-It's so good to see you!

I can't believe you're here!

Neither can I.

You're still Italian.

Yes.

How are you?

I'm good.

Where's your boyfriend, Mr. Pino?

Well, he had to work.

He's meeting some tile distributors.

So it's just me.

Well, the man loves tiles.

So New York City? Your first visit?

What do you think?

I don't know. There's so much stuff here.

Yeah. You should put that on a shirt.

New York City: There's so much stuff here.

-[both laugh]
-Well, no, I mean it.

I mean, I've been walking all day
through the city

just staring at the building like this.

Ah!

-I love it.
-Ah.

Well, that is adorable.

I gotta tell you something, though.

I am very hungry.

Is there any way
we can see the entire museum

in, like, three minutes
and then go get food?

[speaking Italian]

What does that mean?

If you're good, I'll give you a cookie.

-Yay! Deal.
-Deal.

[laughs]

Come on. Let's go in.

-Oh, how is the cupcake show going?
-It's all right.

It's not the most inspiring gig,
but it's okay.

Hmm.

Can I be honest?

Oh, God. Go ahead. Have your fun.

Shit on Clash of the Cupcakes
all you want.

Okay, I don't understand
why do people watch this show?

It's just a show about watching people
eat cupcakes.

[Dev] I don't know.

I just host it, all right?

I say the contestants' names,

and I announce the winners at the end.

[Francesca] Really? That's all you do?

Couldn't they just write it on the screen?

[Dev] They do, but I say it
in a really enthusiastic way.

-[Francesca] Okay, wait.
-[Dev] It's very important.

I want to hear that.

[scoffs] Right now?

Yes, right now.

Come on. Do it.

-No way.
-Please!

We don't have this kind of show in Italy.

Please, do it for me just once. Please.

Please? Please?

Please?

Please welcome,
all the way from Cleveland,

Karen from Karen's Confections!

[laughing]

That was awful. [laughs]

[Francesca] Ah.

So this is the piece
that I really wanted to see.

It's called The Dinner Party.

Cool.

Is it me or do all these
look like vaginas?

[Francesca] Yeah, it's kind of like saying
that all these women across history

have been discriminated against

just because they have vaginas.

Whoa.

Did this lady have a piano vagina?

I'm never going to a museum
with you again.

[both chuckle]

Oh, how was the--
the date the other night?

It was fun.

I had a lovely evening with this woman
named Priya.

Oh. Priya.

-Oh.
-Where did you meet her?

I met her on, uh,
one of those dating apps.

What are dating app?

It's like these apps on your phone

where you see people's faces,

and when you see a face you like,
you hit a button,

and if they hit a button on your face,

then you have a match.

And then you can send each other messages

and then you go out on a date.

Wow, when you say it out loud,
it sounds insane.

[Francesca] No, it sounds crazy.

It is, but you meet people. You know?

I had a good time with Priya.

Okay, then tell me
about your night with her.

Um, well, we went to a wine bar.

Mm.

And then we went to this roof bar.

Mm.

And then we had some kissing in the cab.

Oh.

And then what?

Did you call her the day after?

I sent her a nice text message
that night that said...

Oh, that's sweet.

..."Hey, Priya, thanks
for a lovely evening.

I'm jealous of the lucky pillow

that gets to hold your beautiful face
tonight."

That's nice, right?

[groans]

What? That's a nice text.

If you got a text like that from a guy,

you wouldn't be like, "Oh, that's sweet"?

No, I would do, like, "Ugh."

Well, Priya said, "Ugh,
let's get dinner on Thursday."

I'm right. You're wrong.

I win. You lose.

I'm out. Goodbye.

I'm gonna keep looking at vaginas.

[Francesca laughs]

[jazzy music playing]

Hi, um, I'm having dinner with Chef Jeff.

Ah, yes, of course. He's right this way.

♪ ♪

[Jeff claps] Uh-oh! Here he is!

[laughs] Come here. Bring it in, huh?

-Bring it in, brother.
-Hey, how's it going?

Good, man. Good to finally meet you.

I'm sorry it's taken so long.

Oh, no problem. Uh, my pleasure.

And now, full disclosure.

It's my third dinner tonight.

-Wow. That's a lot of dinners.
-Yeah, it's not my fault, man.

You know, I just wandered into Shuko,

say hi to my friend Nick, he's all,

"Chef, you gotta try this tuna."

Story of my life, right?

Next thing you know, I'm ten courses deep

-into the tasting menu.
-Mm-hmm.

So then I pop in to Casa Mono

to have a drink with a friend,
just one drink,

next thing you know, I'm knee-deep

in the best paella I've had all year.

-Crazy fuckin' night.
-[chuckles]

Ah, well, full disclosure.

This is my first dinner,

and for lunch I had a boring salad.

I ate half. Next thing you know,
I'm throwing it in the trash.

That's what you do.

Gentlemen, compliments of the chef,

octopus pizzaiolo,

beef carpaccio Piemontese,

and some fresh mozz that we made
here in the house.

[Jeff] Thank you, Tim.

Tim, one second.

There's something wrong
with the mozzarella.

Yep, just what I thought.

It's fuckin' delicious.
We're gonna need another round.

-You got it.
-Hey, hold me back, Tim.

-Hold me back. Dinner number three.
-[chuckles]

What do you say you and I
have a heart attack tonight, huh?

That sounds pretty fun.

I think you might really have one.

-[laughs]
-I love it, man.

Now, a little birdie told me

you spent some time in Italia.

True or false?

Uh, the little birdie
was telling the truth.

I lived in Modena for a few months,
learned how to make pasta.

You're kidding me. Modena?
Home of tortellini in brodo.

We went there a couple years ago
with Jeff's Table.

Best episode ever.

-You see that one?
-Yeah, it was great.

You remember that fuckin' scene--

Remember that scene
where I'm sitting there

with the old guy in the cafe with the hat?

I actually didn't see it.

You just seemed so fired up,

I wanted to tell you I saw it.

I love it. I'll send you a link.

-All right.
-All right.

Hey, Tim.
Where the fuck is that mozzarella?

-[Tim chuckles]
-I'm kidding.

I love you. I mean it.

I'm inviting you to my next barbecue.

You better be there, you son of a bitch.

[whispers] I got him the job.

[both laugh]

[punchy musical flourish]

[Dev] This is so good.

Yeah. All right.

Favorite taco in New York.

Mm, Los Tacos Number 1, the al pastor.

Fuckin' kidding me, bro?

Me too. I love that place.

Holy shit.

Hey, pastor pals over here.

You know where I gotta take you?

El Ferron.

Playa del Carmen, Mexico. Look at this.

-Look at that al pastor.
-Oh!

-Right?
-That looks good.

Have you ever gotten sexually charged

from looking at a picture of al pastor?

'Cause I'm a rocket right now. God damn.

Look at that. Anything?

I'm not erect,
but it does look really good.

[laughs] I love your passion.

You and I, we're gonna be having

a lot of food together, I have a feeling.

In fact, what are you doing this Friday?
You around?

I'm having a going away dinner
at my place.

Love to have you and a guest.

I'm there. Who's going away?

I am. I'm doing a pop-up dinner
in Stonehenge next week.

Speaking of which,
I got dinner number four.

I'm meeting some people
from my new charity, Jeff's Kids.

Love those kids.

Don't have a heart attack.

Timmy, can we get a check?

Oh, Chef, the meal's compliments
of the house.

God damn it, you son of a bitch!

You son of a bitch!

They do this all the time.

All right, tell him thanks.

Oh, shit. I almost forgot.

Bottle of champagne there,
I brought that for you.

You didn't have to do this.

Hey.

We're pastor pals. Okay?

-FaceTime me.
-I will.

Damn.

[keys tapping]

[phone chimes]

[line trilling]

Talk to me, buddy.

I need the game plan.
Give it to me step-by-step.

All right, start it off
with some cocktails at PDT.

Ooh, masterful.

Classy cocktails. It's hidden.

It's intimate. I love it.

-You been to this bar before?
-Yeah.

-It's good cocktails, right?
-Yeah.

Hey, guys, flat or sparkling?

Uh, sparkling, please.

Uh, I'll do flat.

So how was your day?

It was good.

Um, we did a taping
of Clash of the Cupcakes.

Uh, you know we had that dance crew

the Jabbawockeez on earlier this week?

Who is that?

They're like these guys.

They, like, dance and have masks.

They were really good.

Cool.

Um, how about you?

How was your day?

Yeah, it was a pretty normal day.

Just meetings and whatnot.

All right.

Went with sparkling water, huh?

Yeah.

I'm more of a flat water guy.

Sometimes I'll do sparkling water
with lemon.

That's fun.

I like flat water too.

I mean, they're both good.

Yeah.

They both are good.

Okay, where are we headed to next?

For dinner, I'm thinking
something fun, festive:

a little barbecue.

[Arnold] No. Not authorized.

What? Why?

[Arnold] You'll have that sticky sauce
all over your face.

That's not a cute look.

Ooh, good point.

See, this is why we have these talks.

How about this?

Dinner at Il Buco.

Perfecto. Pasta: me likey.

[soft instrumental music playing]

So, um, should we split a few pastas?

Oh, I don't really love splitting.

I'd kind of rather just order for myself
if that's okay.

Yeah, of course.

But...

they do encourage sharing. You sure?

Yeah, I think I'm just gonna get the fish.

All right.

Don't ask for a bite of mine.

-All right.
-No, you can--

You can have a bite.

Um...

[laughs]

Doing anything fun for the weekend?

Um, yeah, I'm going to a Rangers game.

Are you into hockey?

I know of hockey.

Um, I've never been to a game, though,

or watched one on TV.

-But I've heard it's fun.
-It's fun.

Yeah.

I grew up watching a bunch of sports
with my dad.

What about you? Do you watch any sports?

I do not.

Thank you.

So here, I guess they just pour
you flat water.

They don't even ask.

Interesting.

Hmm. Yeah.

I like how there's no ice.

Sometimes water gets a little too cold.

Yeah, this is a good temperature.

[soft instrumental music continues]

♪ ♪

Drinks, dinner,
you got me nibbling on the bait.

Now, reel me in, Cap.

I mean,
I think after dinner we should just

have a nice little drink back at my place.

[Arnold] Wait a second.

A night cap with my Cap?

Wonderful. Ow, ow, ow, ow.

I told you Arnie's big toe is sensitive.

Please be careful, okay?

It's the third time I told you.

Sorry, bud.

Thank you so much for dinner.
That was great.

Yeah. That place is good, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Um, do you want to come over
and have a drink?

Oh, um, you know, I think I'm just gonna

grab a cab and head home.

I'm kind of tired.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

But thank you again for dinner.

Yeah, that was really fun.

Yeah, it was really fun.

-All right.
-All right, bye.

[sighs]

Fuck. That wasn't fun at all.

So how'd date number two with Priya go?

Ugh. Not good.

Every conversation was a struggle.

I don't think I'm gonna take her
to that Chef Jeff dinner.

Dude, just take her. She's hot.

And you got no one else.

You're alone.

Yeah, but it's gonna be a fun night.

I want to take someone
I'll have a good time with.

Maybe I'll take my mom.

That could be sweet.

What are you, a loser?

You can't take your mom.

There's gonna be cool people there.

And this ain't Leo at the Oscars.

You gotta bring a date.

[groans]

Every girl in my phone hates me.

-Or I hate them.
-Mm.

What about Jennifer Lopez?

Why would that be a possibility?

Because she just broke up
with her boyfriend,

Casper Smart, the dancer.

And I know her nanny.

And she probably watches Cupcakes.

I highly doubt it.

Dude, then take Priya.

I'm getting sick of this problem.

Can you come to the store with me
and get a vacuum?

No. I'm gonna go home.

So we talk about your shit,

but when I need a friend to give me

a second opinion on a vacuum, you bail?

Fine. I'll come.

Nah, I'm tired. I'm gonna take a nap.

[sighs]

Wow, nice apartment.

Bella.

This party's so cool.

I mean, it's different than I expected.

Really? What were you expecting?

I don't know.

Something like hamburgers
and girls in bikinis?

Why did you expect that?

Well, it's America.

All your parties are like that
in your commercials.

Oh, all right, that's true.

-Dev.
-Hey, Ravi!

What are you doing here?

One of my investors from Mumbai Muscle
invited me.

Oh, God.

-Hi. Ravi.
-Hi.

CFO and chief dream ambassador
of Mumbai Muscle,

New York's number one desi-owned

organic, non-GMO chickpea-based protein.

Uh, Francesca. Italian person.

No companies.

Uh. Nice.

She saw you do that.

Huh.

Why are you wearing a tuxedo?

Why are you guys dressed so cas, man?

I thought this was black tie.

Is this not black tie?

No. This is a dinner party.

Why would you rent a tux?

Rented? No, I bought this.

This is a wool tux.
This is all they had left.

I look way overdressed.

This guy handed me his keys on the way in.

I think he thought I was a valet.

Oh, are you guys bringing out
more hors d'oeuvres?

No, I'm just dressed in a tux, okay?

-I don't work here.
-[man] My mistake.

I gotta find the guy
who gave me these keys.

You guys let me know if you hear anyone

talking about owning an Audi Q4.

-All right.
-Okay.

[clinking glass]

Friends!

Welcome to Jeff's table.

Now, I want to start off tonight's meal
with a question.

Where are we tonight?

Your apartment!

Fuck you, Stewart.

-It was rhetorical.
-[laughter]

No, we're not in my apartment,

but rather we've been transported

to the hills of Achando,

deep in the heart of Basque country.

Now, I just checked the forecast,

and there is a tornado of Iberian flavor

headed this way.

So take cover, people.

[laughs]

Thanks for coming, okay? Eat up.

[softly] Hey, Dev.

-Hey, man.
-[Dev] Hey, how are you?

Great to see you.

Thanks for coming. Who's this?

Hi. Francesca. Thanks for having me.

Hi. Jeff Pastore.
It's a pleasure to meet you.

I want you guys to do me a favor here.

I want you to put this in your mouths...

Okay.

and tell me the first thing
that comes to your mind.

Mmm.

Deliciousness.

-Ham?
-[claps] Wonderful!

All right, you guys have fun.

I'm gonna go play host.

[Francesca laughs]

What's up? [sighs]

What happened to your tuxedo?

Ah, man,
I felt a little self-conscious in it,

so I, uh, took the shirt and jacket

and I hid it under the bathroom sink.
[clicks tongue]

Could have just put it in the coat room.

-Fuck! I didn't think about that.
-[Dev] I have my weed pen.

You guys want to smoke a little
before dinner?

Oh, sure.

Oh, no, man,
I gotta lay off the gas tonight.

I gotta keep my wits about me
for some networking.

[chuckles] Oh.

Check out my new biz cards.

[Ravi] B-b-boom.

Is that shaped like your arm?

Yeah. [laughs] No.

That's my boy Anush's real Indian bicep.

-He can curl 150 pounds.
-[Dev] Hmm.

Do you have a muscle-shaped wallet
I could store it in?

-[chuckles]
-All right, that's enough Ravi time.

Let's go.

-Can I keep it?
-Yeah, please.

My email's on there.

[Ravi] Hey, you guys work out?

[mellow jazzy music playing]

♪ ♪

Hey, John, why don't you
put that crema catalana down

and play us a tune, man?

Come on. Right?

[cheers and applause]

I guess I gotta sing for my supper now?

Fuckin' guy.

He wins one Oscar,
he thinks he gets everything for free.

-[laughter]
-[Jeff] I'm kidding.

I love you. Truth.

[John] All right, yeah.

All right, all right.

I want to dedicate this song
to my good friend

and our host for the evening, Chef Jeff.

[smooth piano music playing]

♪ ♪

♪ Looking in my mirror ♪

♪ Took me by surprise ♪

♪ I can't help but see you ♪

♪ Running often through my mind ♪

♪ Helpless like a baby ♪

♪ Sensual disguise ♪

♪ I can't help but love you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's getting better all the time ♪

♪ I can't help it if I wanted to ♪

♪ Wouldn't help it even if I could ♪

♪ Can't help it if I wanted to ♪

♪ Wouldn't help it, no ♪

♪ Can't help it if I wanted to ♪

♪ Wouldn't help it even if I could ♪

♪ Can't help it if I wanted to ♪

♪ Couldn't help it, no ♪

♪ I can't help it if I wanted to ♪

♪ Wouldn't help it even if I could ♪

♪ Can't help it if I wanted to ♪

♪ Wouldn't help it, no ♪

♪ Do doo-un do-do do ♪

Hey, you think it's cool
if I snap a video on this?

No. Go away.

What about a picture?
What's this party's hashtag?

[scoffs] Put your phone away.

That's cool. Live in the moment.

I like that.

[John Legend scatting]

[vocalizing]

♪ ♪

-[cheers and applause]
-Whoo!

-[gentle piano flourish]
-[man] Whoo.

[Francesca] Hey.

What do you think
that guy's doing over there?

[Dev] It looks like he's doing yoga.

I think he's just sitting
in a really weird way.

Maybe.

I mean, I don't know. Isn't that
what yoga is, sitting in weird ways?

[laughs] No, it's not just that.

Merde. I think it's finished.

[clicks tongue] What's "merd-ah" mean?

Um, it means "shit."

It's an Italian expression.

We use it to say, "Shit, it's finished."

-Mm.
-[both laugh]

Can't believe you guys
never taught me the bad words

while I was living in Modena.

You're right.

I think I should teach you something.

Okay, lesson number one.

Um...

Figlio di puttana.

It means "Son of a whore."

Figlio di puttana.

And there is bruto cornuto.

What does that mean?

That's really bad.

It means "You're ugly,

and your spouse is cheating on you."

Just those two words?

-Yeah.
-Ooh. When's the last time you said that?

I never say that. It's really, really bad.

-Hmm.
-I just say... [speaking Italian]

What does that mean?

It means "Go fuck yourself

and all your dead family members."

Wow. That's cold.

When I'm mad, I just go, "Hey.

Why you gotta be like that?"

-[laughs]
-You're evil.

I'm not.

I'm not evil.

Am I evil?

Hmm...

No. I think you're sweet.

[laughs]

I forgot how fun it was having you around.

I mean, I'm just with Mario and Nonna
in the shop.

It's not the same thing.

Well, he has way better cheeks than I do.

-[both laugh]
-Come on.

I'm serious.

I missed you.

I'm good. I got my friends here.

[laughter]

-Ah.
-No. I--

I missed you too.

[chuckles]

All right, try this wine. It's amazing.

All right.

Mmm.

Ugh! It tastes like feet.

You're crazy!

Ah, it's disgusting.

Uh, excuse me. Uh...

Mr. Jeff.

Can you take a sip of this wine

and let me know what you think about it?

Assolutamente.

Grazie.

[sips]

Ugh. Too barnyard-y.

-Not a fan.
-What?

-You crazy too.
-See?

Gonna grab some of the wine
that doesn't taste

like white, uh, feet wine, whatever.

Hey, I thought it was good.

I'm gonna have to agree

with your cute girlfriend over there.

She's not my girlfriend. Just a friend.

Really?

Are you hoping for more?

No, no, it's not like that.

She's, uh, dating this guy, Pino.

Pino?

Uh-oh.
It's not gonna end well for you, little D.

What are you talking about?

I can tell. I see the way you look at her.

-Okay? All night?
-Ah.

Look, you better grab a mitt,
'cause you're gonna catch some feelings.

Trust me. I've been there, okay?

I'm looking out for you, kid.

I don't want to see
that little heart of yours get broken.

[sighs]

Okay. Quick question for you.

What's the difference between

restroom, bathroom, and toilet?

It's all the same.

Yeah, I get that, but I mean,

if I want to be polite, what should I use?

Like if you're in a really nice place?

-Mm-hmm.
-Um...

Then you say, "Uh, excuse me, um,

where's the shitter?"

[both laughing]

I don't believe you.

That sounds so rude.

[both laughing]

Um, uh, the hotel's
right around the corner, sir.

Oh, yeah. Thank you.

[sighs]

What a night. [sighs]

I still can't believe it.

I mean, New York,

the food was amazing.

And John Legend
just played the piano in a room,

and I was in that room too.

[chuckles] Yeah, you were.

This is insane!

I mean, nobody's gonna believe me.

[both laugh]

Oh.

I had so much fun with you tonight.

Can we do something together again?

Yeah.

Do you want to do something tomorrow?

Yeah!

Oh, no.

Uh, I have to go somewhere with Pino.

And we actually leave on Sunday,

so...

I guess next time, right?

Right.

Good night.

Good night.

Buona notte.

Buona notte.

[sighs]

You can go ahead to the next stop.

[sighs]

[upbeat music playing]

♪ ♪

[cell phone buzzing]

♪ ♪

[sighs]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[exhales sharply]

Thanks.

♪ ♪