Master of None (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - New York, I Love You - full transcript

As Dev and friends head to a theater to see the hit movie "Death Castle," the lives of several ordinary New Yorkers intersect in subtle ways.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[funky R&B music]

♪ ♪

You guys psyched for Death Castle?

Oh, yeah, baby.

I hear there's a crazy twist at the end.

What the fuck did you tell me that for?

Yeah, what the hell, Arnold?

What are you talking about?
I didn't tell you what the twist was.

Now I'm gonna be expecting a twist.

For real. Narrative immersion-- ruined.

Wow. I never really considered
that perspective on twists.

-I'm sorry.
-It's okay, buddy.

I don't understand
this new political-correctness shit.

"Native Americans."

Why don't they just call them "Indians"
the way they used to?

I think it's because they prefer
the term "Native Americans."

Well, I like saying "Indians."

This guy used to fix my car.

I called him "Injun Larry."

He loved it.

Hi, Diego.

-[man announcing baseball game over radio]
-[Mrs. Atkinson] Oh, do I hear a radio?

-[elevator bell dings]
-Turn off that radio, Eddie.

You know it's not allowed.

Yes, ma'am.

And no more eating mangoes
behind the desk, please.

Once again, ma'am, I've never done that.

I don't even like tropical fruits.

-Maybe it was one of the other doormen.

Oh, sure.

[man continues indistinctly over radio]

[jazzy music]

♪ ♪

[Eddie] Hello, Mr. Reeves.

Good morning, Mrs. Thompson.

Little Cody.

Mr. Marco.

Love that purple jacket.

Thanks, Eddie.

♪ ♪

Yes, absolutely. I'll take care of it.

[indistinct conversation]

Hey, Eddie, how those Mets doing?

Eh, we can't hit. You know how it is.

[Mr. Strickland] Oh, I hear that.

Listen, um,

we're gonna go upstairs
for just a little bit.

Would you do me a favor
and give me a ring

if the missus shows up?

Yes, sir.

Thank you. Appreciate it very much.

[indistinct conversation]

Right this way.

[jazzy music resumes]

Mr. Wiest.

Miss Jenkins.

Mr. Delfino.

Mr. Marco.

Still looking good.

[musical flourish]

[elevator bell dings]

Florence, what's up?

Eddie, I have a favor to ask of you.

Anything. What is it?

I have to go upstate tonight.

My dad choked
on some raisins this morning,

and he's a bit shaken up.

Can you give my little Frank his medicine?

Absolutely. I'm real good with pets.

Now, keep in mind, only Frank is diabetic.

Diana is fine.

The way you can tell them apart

is that Diana
has more of a sense of humor,

and Frank is more of an intellectual.


And if you give the medicine to Diana,
she will go insane.

I'm running late. I got to go.

-Thanks, Eddie.

Great time, buddy.

Tag out.

[Ramon] She's driving me crazy, man.

She rearranged everything in my kitchen.

Took me 20 minutes to find a spoon.

By that time,
I didn't even want the pudding.

[Diego chuckles] Let's ask Eddie.

Ramon's mother-in-law
just moved in with him.

You got yours in your house, right?

And my mom. It's a lot, man.

How do you handle that?

You know, I'm trying to do
the right thing.

She getting a little older now,
so we took her in.

But now she's all up in my business.

I'm not accustomed to this shit.

[Eddie] This is what I did.

I got them each their own TV.
Put them in their rooms.

Got one of those streaming boxes.

We get all the Spanish channels.

They're sitting in there all day.

They're in heaven.
I basically never see them.

It's great.

Actually, that sounds like a good idea.

Or you can do what white people do.

Get her an apartment in this building...

-and never visit.

-It's true, man.

Last month when I found Mrs. Donovan--

RIP, Mrs. D--

all of her nieces and nephews started

coming out of the woodwork,
trying to get her stuff.

I'm like, "Where you been at
for the last ten years?"

One of them was like,
"What's up with that piano?"

Come on, man,
you never even saw this lady.

That's fucked up.

I mean, why do people do that?

You do that to your moms, Ryan?

Nah, man, she made a bunch of money

'cause she got sick on a cruise
and sued the company.

She's set for life.

How'd she get sick?

I don't know.
I think she got diarrhea or something.

You can't sue because you got diarrhea.

Tell that to her beach house.


[soft jazzy music]

[device beeping]

[dial tone hums, beep]

I got to run upstairs for a second.
Can you cover me?


Damn it, Flo.

Which one of you is the smart one?

Jesus Christ, this is insane.

Hey, Flo, I could use your help.

Which bird is Frank?

Yellow head?

Okay, all right. Thanks, Flo.

Could have told me that before.

Flo... kind of slow...

with the info.

-[dropper squirts]
-There you go.

-[Strickland] What are you doing?
-[woman shouts]

-[Strickland] Oh, my God. Are you crazy?
-[woman] Get the--

[tense jazzy music]

Damn, that ain't good.

♪ ♪

[elevator bell dings]

♪ ♪

Eddie, Eddie.

I told you to call the room
if she was coming.

I'm sorry, sir.
Someone else was covering the desk

while I helped another resident.

I don't care what you were doing.
You had one job to do!

Actually, sir, I have many different jobs
for many people.

-I'm sorry for whatever happened.
-You're sorry?

You're sorry for what happened?

All my shit is out there on the street!

[Eddie] Again, I apologize.

I wasn't at the desk.

Where the fuck were you, then?

[Eddie] With all due respect, sir,

you're responsible for your own actions.

If you don't walk away right now,
we're gonna have a problem.

Watch it with the pointing.

[elevator bell dings]

[Kelsey] Oh, good. Hi.

I think I left my headphones up there.

Do you think you could just run up
and grab them for me?

No, I'm not gonna do that, ma'am.

Oh, they're Beats by Dre.

They're very expensive.

Well, maybe they'll end up
out in the street

with the rest of Mr. Strickland's stuff.

[sighs] God. Whatever.

Yo, dude, you been outside?

Whole bunch of nice clothes
out there, man.

I'm talking Louis, Gucci, Margiela.

What do you think of this jacket?

I think you looking good, my friend.

It's my lucky day.

You know what?

Hold on to this. I got to celebrate.

I'm gonna go to la bodega
and get some mangoes.

-You need anything?
-No, I'm good.

'Cause I'm going in my nice new jacket.

Ha ha. My man.

[man over radio] Cabrera's running.

Lined into left field. That's a base hit.

Pederson's gonna hustle over there...

[jazzy music resumes]

♪ ♪

[Strickland] God damn it!

No, no, no, no!


♪ ♪

[electronic bell chimes]

[music fades]


[no audio]

What the fuck is this?
You're wearing my jacket?

Yeah! We're twinsies!

No. You can't do that!

Well, I asked you where you got it,
and you told me.

I thought you were just curious!

I didn't think you'd go
buy the same jacket.

We're around each other all the time.

So now I have to ask you when
you're going to be wearing the jacket?


Or you can just embrace
the whole twinsies situation?

Stop saying twinsies.

I got you a coffee.


Is Barry coming?

He's still working.

So what's the latest on your whole...

sexual situation?

Well, I still haven't really said

Well, it's not just going to magically
change unless you say something.

Just be respectful and bring it up
when you guys are in private.

Maybe when you're going to bed?

Here, try it on me.

Hey, Barry...

can we talk about our sex life
for a minute?

Sure. What's up?

You want to do it way more often
and way better?

I'm in!

Wow. That was easy.

Thanks, Barry.

Those earrings are really nice.
Where'd you get them?

These? I got them at this awesome store.

It's called:

"Fuck You, I'm Not Telling You Where
I Buy My Stuff Anymore."

Hey, what about these?

They're coasters
that look like little records.

Yeah, that's fine.
We're not super-close friends.

And they're only five dollars.
They're the cheapest thing in the store.

What the fuck?

A pizza scarf?

Think I should wear this
to your brother's wedding next weekend?

I think pizza's better as food,
not clothing.

Should we go pick up some wine, too?

Nah, I think it's all right.

Hey, maybe don't drink too much tonight.

Maybe we can do something
a little fun later?

I can drink and still do it.

I know, but we haven't done it in a while.

And sometimes you say you can't
because you drank too much.

That happened one time!

When was the last time we had sex?

If you have to think about it
for that long, that's not good.

You haven't gone down on me in two months!
That's a problem!

What do you want me to do?

I want you to go down on me!

Right here? Right now?
In the middle of the store?

Stop joking. I'm serious!

I blow you all the time!

I need you to step up and lick my vagina!

Look, I love your vagina.
It's a fantastic vagina.

Then lick my vagina!
It's not going to lick itself!

Excuse me, could you please stop talking
about your vagina to the entire world?

My kids are with me, and they know ASL.

Vagina! Vagina! Vagina!

I'm so sorry.

Look, if we have a problem, you can talk
to me about it in a normal way.

You don't have to confront me
in the middle of a store.

You know what? Just go ahead and pay
for the gift, and I'll meet you outside.

I can't talk to you right now.


[no audio]

What happened? Is everything okay?

They thought I was stealing pizza scarf.

Well, I have some good news, then.
I got you a gift.

You're funny.

I know.
But let's just hold off, go to the party,

and we'll talk about this stuff later.

How about this?
After the party, we go home...

and you lick my vagina.

Then we can talk.

Jesus. Fine. Can we go now?


[no audible dialogue]

[door closes]

Where are we going?

Spring and Lafayette.

[Sandy Kenyon on TV]
The movie may be called Death Castle,

but in my opinion,
it's filled with a whole lot of life.

I say, lower that drawbridge

and get thee to your nearest theater.

I'm Sandy Kenyon with
the Eyewitness News' "Movie Minute."

-Have you seen Death Castle yet?

-How crazy is that twist?
-I never saw it coming.

Let me make sure I got this right.

The black guy was really
Nicolas Cage the whole time?

Yeah, and the castle was heaven.

-[Sandra] Yes.
-[Alexa laughs] I know. It was insane.

-[Alexa] Tyrese was so good.
-[Sandra] So good.

-[Alexa] You know he's my favorite.
-[Sandra] Yeah, girl.

How good was Emma Watson? I love...

[in Rwanda-Rundi dialect]
God damn it! One of my passengers

just ruined the end of Death Castle.

[man] Don't say anything!
I still haven't seen it yet!

I hate when this happens.
Cab drivers watch movies, too!

They should check if we've seen the movie
before they start talking about spoilers.

[man] You still want to go see it
this weekend?

Honestly? I don't know, man.
This kind of ruined my whole day.

Have you been
to Lauren's new grain bowl place?

Yeah, the-- Yeah, grain bowl, when--

I had the one with the grilled chicken

and the avocado and the farro.

[man] What are they talking about now?

They're talking about a "grain bowl."

Why are white girls always talking
about grain bowls?

[pleasant rock music]

♪ ♪

[no audible dialogue]

♪ ♪

[music fades, ends]

-[in English] Morning.


The kitchen sink is clogged. Don't use it.

[sighs] Again?

I told Junior not to shave in there.

That's what the bathroom is there for.

Bro, I've told him that a thousand times.

You want to help me clean it?

No, I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

Get some rest, bro.

Good night.

What the hell, Junior?

Why are you dropping french fries
on my head?

Sorry. They're so good.
I can't stop eating them.

I got a cheeseburger, too.

Why can't you just eat in the living room?

It's my bedroom, too.

Plus, I'm more comfortable here.

Just eat quietly, man.

[Junior slurping loudly]


[alarm blaring]

[hip-hop music playing]

♪ ♪

Dude, Watson,

why are you wearing that shirt?

We're going to a nice club.

Don't you get it? It's so funny.

The girls are going to love it.

"Toadally smashed." [chuckles]

The toad is being smashed by the word.


You guys are wasting your money
going to clubs.

You should be saving up like me.

Saving up for what?

I want to own a Dairy Queen franchise
in South Florida.

It's sunny every day there.

I'm gonna go to my shop,

have an ice cream,

then I just eat it at the beach.

Come on, man.

Eat ice cream every day?

That's your fantasy?

What are you, five years old?

You can have ice cream now.

But at my shop, I get it for free.

-Hey, Jameson?

[Samuel] You sure this place
we're going to is good?

Yeah, man.

I drop off beautiful women

and cool guys there all the time.

I took Keanu Reeves there last week.

Keanu Reeves?

You never had Keanu Reeves in your cab.

He's so rich. He probably uses Uber.

No, it was him, I swear.

Mm, Watson,

who's the most famous person
you ever had in your cab?

Mariah Carey.

[all] Bullshit!

That's bullshit.

For real, she was sitting
in the back of the car,

singing along with the radio.

I could recognize that voice anywhere.

Okay. Who else you got?

The other day, I took, uh...

[snaps fingers] the guy from Seinfeld.

Jerry Seinfeld?

No, wait. His name is Jerry in real life?


Oh, no, that wasn't him.

This guy's name was Ronald.

-He was funny, though.

He-- He gave me a big tip.

Look at this guy.

Bragging about picking up Ronald Seinfeld.


Who you gonna pick up next?

Eric Schwarzenegger?


[muffled electronic dance music playing]

[indistinct conversations]

This is going to be incredible.

It better be.
We've been waiting for two hours.

[doorman sighs] You three...

No. Next.

What? We've been waiting forever.

I can't let two guys and their dad in
with no women.

Hey, I'm nobody's dad.

"Toadally smashed." [laughs]

Come on, man, get out of here.


I told you to take that stupid shirt off.

[doorman] Ah...

-"Toadally smashed."
-You guys looking for a club?

-[all] Yeah.
-Oh, man, I got the place.

Tons of girls, great music.

Only 20 bucks a head with that flyer.

[Watson] Envision.

-Thank you. Let's go.
-Thank you, man.

You the man. Thank you very much.

[upbeat electronic music playing]

♪ ♪

[Samuel] This place is empty.

What the fuck?

[Watson] There are no girls here.

There are barely even any guys here.

Where the hell is the bartender?

♪ ♪

They're playing the song
from the Six Flag commercial.

Do you guys want bottle service?

We got to get bottle service, man.

We saved up for months.

[Samuel] You're right.

How much is a bottle of vodka?


Eight-hundred dollars?

[Jameson] Huh? [speaks French]

[in French]
That's a lot of money!

♪ ♪

[in English]
I told you we shouldn't go to that club.

No, you didn't.
You're the one who said we should go.

Man, I'm never going out
with you guys again.

[Kelly] Come on!

Please, open up!

[Lauren] We just want some fries!
We'll be really quick.

[Samuel] Yo, that's where Junior works.

[Watson] Yeah.

Hey, dummy!

Come on, open up!

[women cheering, laughing]

[Lauren] Yeah, girl!

And then we got to the second club,
and nobody was there.

Oh, yeah, Envision is always dead.

The last time we went there,
they were playing the Six Flags song.


What song is that?


♪ Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah, bah-bah ♪

[all humming along]


Oh, my God, Kelly!

Did you see his shirt?

"Toadally smashed."

I love it!

My nephew has the same shirt.

Told you guys.

[in French]
Her nephew is probably eight years old.

God, we need some drinks, guys.

-[Amelia] Yeah.
-Yes, please.

I'm still bummed
we couldn't get bottle service.

Man, you never had $800 in your life.

-What are you talking about?
-[Samuel] I make more tips than you.

This guy drove for Uber last year.
His rating was 1.8.

They won't let him drive again.

[all laughing and jeering]

Bottle service!

[all cheering]

Hey, guys. Guys!

I just got a phone call.

And I have some terrible news.

-What's going on?
-What happened?

-What's up?
-Do we need to leave?


"The Vengabus" is coming.

[upbeat electronic music playing]

[all cheering, laughing]

♪ ♪

[Amelia] This was so much fun, you guys.

Um, where you headed now?

Um, I don't know.
We'll go wherever you guys go.

Well... I'm not tired yet.

I know.

Is there something else we could do?

[Amelia] Death Castle's playing!

[Corrine] We have to go.
I've heard it's amazing.

-[Amelia] I love Nicolas Cage.
-[Kelly] Me too.

[dramatic music playing]

[slow-paced footsteps]

[Madison] DeShawn? DeShawn?

[slow-paced footsteps]

Uh, DeShawn, are you up there?

[clanking, door creaking]

DeShawn, is that you?

[door clicks shut]


[Nicolas Cage as Troy] That's right.

-There is no DeShawn Townsend.
-[Madison] What's happening?

[Troy] Only me, Troy Avery.

[Madison whimpers] No.

[Troy] Troy Avery is DeShawn Townsend.

[audience murmuring]

What? What? What?

Man, I'm straight shook right now.

I knew there was a twist,
but not like this.

This is crazy.


[Madison crying]

♪ ♪

[funk music]

♪ ♪