Master of None (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - First Date - full transcript

[man]
Crispen Caruthers was a beloved son,

brother and uncle.

His love for his family was only matched

by his insatiable love of model trains.

He was a noble man.

And I believe that Crispen, the conductor,

as he liked to call himself,

is all aboard a big train...

-Oh, fuck it, why not?
-...with the tracks...

-...leading straight to Heaven.
-[cell phone chimes]

Hello.



[laid-back techno music]

♪ ♪

[cell phone chimes]

♪ ♪

[phone clicks]

Nope.

Okay, next up-- Dev, 33.

Hmm.

-[woman] Mm-hmm.
-Mm, okay.

Think he likes pasta much?

[laughter]

What a clown.

-Can I see your phone for a second?
-Yeah.

Just want to...



What the fuck?

-That was so rude.
-Oh, come on.

[trumpet fanfare plays]

I got a match!

Boom.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[cell phone honking]

-Dev?
-Christine?

-Christine.
-Hey, good to meet you.

Hey, and good to meet you.

Oh, wait. Oh, you got something
on your jacket.

-Oh.
-Is this fur?

Yeah, I work at a dog hotel.

Wait. What? A dog hotel?

Yep. It's, um, called Chateau Marmutt.

We just opened.

Can we not talk about this, please?

-Sure, sure. Oh, I know that place.
-Okay.

It's over on 52nd and Bark Avenue.

Wow. Okay, that was your one dog pun.

-Okay, are you happy?
-Yes, I am.

All right, let's go.

-Thanks.
-Yeah.

It was really weird seeing you on the app.

Last I saw you, you'd just gotten fired
from that Garden Depot commercial, right?

I know. You want to sit over there?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, go.

It's always weird

when you see friends on these things,

'cause it's like, all right,
are we swiping right 'cause we're friends,

or is it a possible boning situation?

Right.

Let's be clear,
we're both here as dates, yes?

Yes.

Let's avoid the phrase

"possible boning situation,"
though, right?

Oh, for sure. Poor choice of words.

I meant to say, um...

"potential for romance and/or magic."

Yeah, okay. Mm-hmm.

Hey, Andrea, can I get a glass

of that light red
you poured me the other day?

-You want to try this?
-Yeah, sure.

So what's the deal with it?
Is it special?

Um...

hmm, well, apparently,
the winemaker loves '90s R&B,

and he plays it throughout the vineyards,

and it really helps open up
the depth of flavor within the grapes.

I don't know anything about wine.
It's from France.

Oh. [laughs]

So how's work going? Everything well?

I'm kind of "fun-employed" right now.

Just going out a lot, having a good time.

Oh, so just... going to clubs
and getting drunk a lot?

Mm-hmm.

Plus, my parents are, like, super rich,

so it's like, why get a job, right?

Yeah, just keep using their money, right?

After I left LA, I moved to New York,

and for the last couple years,
I've been working as a lawyer,

mostly in the tech industry.

-Cool.
-What do you do?

I host a competitive cupcake show
called Clash of the Cupcakes.

-Cool.
-[laughs]

Um...

[slaps leg]

I'm out of stuff to say,
so I think I'll probably head out.

Okay, well, that was
a really fun five minutes.

I think I'll just, uh,
grab these drinks, then.

-All right, bye.
-Bye.

So the original Chateau Marmutt is in LA,

but they just opened up the branch
in New York

and that's where I work now.

-Is it fun?
-No, it's horrible.

There's dogs everywhere going crazy.

-[Dev] Whoa.
-[chuckles]

All right, last question.

Have any famous dogs stayed there?

Maybe that dog from The Artist
might have stayed there once.

What?

Hey, guys, a table just opened up
if you want to grab it.

-Sure.
-Cool.

Hey, so what was that pup like?

Ugh, huge asshole. Pissed everywhere.

-Never tipped the staff.
-Mm.

I heard that dog from Frasier
is a real prick, too.

[both laughing]

So, yeah, after I got out of art school,
I started working in galleries.

-Oh, where'd you go to school?
-NYU.

-Oh, me too.
-Oh, cool.

All right, bathroom break.

Is she going to the bathroom
or going to do coke?

Sorry I had to cancel on Sunday.

I had to tune in for that WWE SummerSlam.

Pay-Per-View. You watch?

Uh, no, I missed it. How was it?

Amazing.

Dean Ambrose wrestled Samoa Joe
for the WWE Championship.

And Samoa Joe is about
to hit him with the muscle buster,

but then Ambrose put him
into a crossface chickenwing.

Then Samoa Joe reversed
into his submission finisher,

the Coquina Clutch.

Okay, I-I'm not sure I follow,
but that sounds entertaining.

-[scoffs]
-You think if I was a wrestler...

my name could be Samosa Joe?

Samosa Joe?

Like the savory Indian snack?
Just a play on Samoa Joe?

No, it's Samoa Joe...

like, from the Isle of Samoa.

Can I ask you a question
that you might find a little offensive?

Mm, I'm intrigued.

Do you just date Indian girls?

No, I date people
of different ethnicities, skin tones.

What about you? Is it Indian dudes only?

-No, no, I'll date anyone.
-Well, now I feel special.

[both laugh]

But I did, uh, date this white guy once,

and then I found out later
that he dated four Indian girls before me.

What? Four? That's fetish territory.

That's what I said.

But, like, where's the line, right?

Like, what if a girl
dated two Indian dudes?

Hmm... [clicks tongue]

Two's okay, but it can't be back to back,

'cause then it's like,
"Mm, fetish is brewing."

It's like this lady just realized
she's really into Indian dudes.

Right. But what about 20 in a row?

Mm... that lady is definitely
an Indian-dude serial killer.

-[laughs]
-Like, she for sure...

has an Indian guy in her freezer.

There's, like, a head.

Like, maybe a hairy arm.

Right by a box of Toaster Strudels.

[laughs]

Oh, my God, this place is so cool.

Okay, so you host a cupcake show.

That's amazing. I really like cupcakes.

My favorite kind of cupcakes--
vanilla frosted,

but I also like strawberry frosting, too.

Okay, so I know your job.
Siblings, tell me.

How many do you have?

One little brother. You?

Only child.

Younger sister.

Five brothers.

Nine? That's a lot.

I said five.

[clicks tongue]
Still kind of a lot, though.

Sorry. Work stuff.

Um...

so...

I get the impression
that you're not really,

like, a clique-ish kind of Indian.

What does that mean?

You know, like an Indian person
who just hangs out with Indian people.

No. I mean, I got my Indian buds, though.

You know, Ravi, Tanvi,
got our jacked guy, Anush.

I used to be in one
of those Indian cliques in college.

You know what's weird?

Is there's always one white person
in those groups.

Yes. I was in one also.

And there was this white girl, Marissa,

and we were out one time, and I said,
"Hey, Marissa, do you want a drink?"

And this is what she did.

No! She can't do that.

She did the head bob.

-That's Indian use only.
-That's what I'm saying.

-I could not believe that.
-Yeah, that's...

-Ridiculous.
-I've never seen a white person do that.

-I've n--
-It's-- It should be off limits, right?

-It definitely should be.
-[cell phone vibrating]

Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.
I really need to get this.

-I'll be right back.
-All right.

[mellow soul music playing]

♪ ♪

So I got to give you props.

I really enjoyed
your opening message to me.

-Oh, thanks.
-Be honest, though.

-Is that a line you send to everyone?
-What?

No. I would never do such a thing.

I don't believe you.

All right, you show me your messages,
I'll show you mine.

Mm... I don't know.

-Mm-hmm. Yeah.
-Okay.

-Don't back out of this, though.
-I won't. I won't. I'm here.

-[laughs]
-All right, I send it to everyone,

but everything else is
custom charming stuff just for you.

All right, all right,
fair enough, fair enough.

-Let's see yours.
-All right. Okay, here it is.

Whoa!

-There's so many guys.
-I know. I know.

[Dev] It just keeps going!

I know. I've pretty much stopped
responding to most of it.

See, that's why
the Whole Foods line is key.

It breaks through the clutter.

-No, it's true.
-Is that what most guys say?

Just "Hey," "Hey," "Hey," "Hi," "Hi,"
"Hey," "Hey," "Hi," "Hey," "Hi"?

Yes, yes, but, I mean,
I also get that, like,

really gross, like, disgusting stuff,
too, a lot.

Like what?

Well, like, there was the guy
who was like,

"Hey, just come on over,
and we'll fuck on my hammock."

A guy sent me his penis and was like,
"This is my penis."

Fetish-y Indian stuff.

Fetish-y Latina stuff.

Fetish-y short Filipino girl stuff.

One guy texted me a picture
of a handwritten letter.

That seems nice.

It just said,
"What up with them big old titties?"

In permanent marker.

Mm, that's not as nice.

And then he drew two big old titties.

Oh, being a black woman on these apps--

completely different situation.

I mean, compared to my white friends,
I get way less activity.

I also find that I rarely match
with guys outside of my race.

Same for me.

A lot of my matches are Indian women.

I did read somewhere that
the people that do worst on the apps

are Asian men and black women.

Well, it's great white people
finally have an advantage somewhere.

-Cheers to them.
-To white people.

-[laughs]
-[glasses clink]

I am so sorry. Was that long?

Yeah, it was about 15 minutes.

Yeah, that's really bad. I'm really sorry.

Um, let me buy us a nice bottle
to make up for it?

All right.

What'd you do over the weekend?

Uh, nothing much.

Some friends and I went to the Guggenheim.

What about you?

I got hammered all weekend. [laughs]

There's this French guy.
His name's Hubert.

He's, like, this super-rich guy
who does nice stuff for me

'cause he thinks I'm gonna fuck him,

and, like, I'm never gonna fuck him.

I mean, I, like, fucked him once,

but I'm never gonna fuck him again.

Anyway, he flew us out to the Hamptons.

It was completely insane.

You would not believe it. [chuckles]

Sounds completely insane.

And then when I got home, I watched
that movie Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

And then I watched it again.

It's a horrible movie.

They kill Johnny Cage in the first scene.

Like, really?

Uh, yeah, I agree.
That's an odd story move.

All right, now try this.
I think you'll really love it.

[Dev] All right.

Mmm! That is good.

Good. Okay, good.

I have friends who are super into wine
that turned me on to it.

But I'm glad you like it.

Yeah. Now it feels like you were gone
for five minutes instead of 15.

My anger is subsiding.

[laughs] Okay, good.

Phew. Cheers.

-Cheers.
-[glasses clink]

Ahh.

Excuse me. Can you please refill my water?

Okay.

Thank you.

What a bitch.

Is horrible service the thing here?

I don't think so.

You want to get one more?

No, I-I'm pretty tired.
I think I'm gonna head home.

Yeah. Me too.

[inhaling deeply]

Mm, this weed pen is really awesome.

-I know, right?
-Yeah.

-See how it lights up?
-I know. It's so pretty.

-[both giggle]
-It's like we're in the future.

Um, hold up.

Did you just see
that older Asian businessman

licking a giant lollipop?

-Yes! What is his story?
-I don't know.

Maybe he's really into lollipops,
and he's tired of housing six at a time?

Maybe he was a giant,
and someone hit him with a shrinking ray

but they missed the lollipop.

-Ooh, that's why it's still giant.
-Exactly.

[men grunting]

[Dev] Oh, shit, those two white guys
are fighting!

Oh, God.

All right, I ain't stepping in,
but I'm gonna call 911.

I'm sorry. Can you be quiet?
I'm trying to Snap this.

-What the fuck?
-[man] Sona!

[car horn honks]

-Hey. Oh, my God.
-Patrick!

It is so good to see you. What's going on?

Uh, not much.
I just moved back to the city.

-Oh.
-Are you still at The Times?

Yeah, yeah. Just grinding away.

I just got back into town. I was in Syria.

-Hey, I'm Dev.
-Oh, hey. Patrick.

Patrick's a war photographer.

Uh, this is Dev.
He hosts Clash of the Cupcakes.

Oh.

Kind of a different war
we're fighting on our set.

[chuckles awkwardly] So, uh, Syria?

That must have been really intense.

Yeah, last week
we were in this tiny village.

We thought we were in a safe zone,
but out of nowhere,

this car explodes,
and I had to get dragged out of there

by my security detail.

It was harrowing.

Oh, God, I can't even imagine.

Last week, uh, Mario Lopez
was on Clash of the Cupcakes.

That was pretty harrowing, too.

[chuckles]

To be clear, I was joking, but...

I mean, Mario Lopez
was on the show, but...

he's a pretty nice guy.

-Right. Well, Sona...
-[both laugh]

It's so great to see you.
I-I'd love to catch up sometime or...

Yeah, I'd love that.

Bye.

See you.

I go everywhere on my bike. It's the best.

Aren't you scared
you'll get hit by a car and die?

Mm, nah, I've been hit, like, five times.

This arm is completely metal.

Whoa. So you're like the Winter Soldier?

-Who's that?
-Captain America's best friend!

The Winter Soldier? He's a super assassin?

Also has a metal arm?
Real name Bucky Barnes?

Fun fact-- my ex-girlfriend
nicknamed my belly Bucky.

Oh, so to be clear, on our first date,

we're gonna talk about your ex-girlfriend
and comic books?

And my belly.

So, um, how's the acting stuff going?

Keeping busy.

Um, I actually just wrapped.

I was filming a airline safety video.

Oh, who'd you play?

I was the bad example of a woman

who puts on the child's mask
before her own.

Juicy role.

Excuse me, guys.

I don't mean to interrupt,

but are you Dev
from Clash of the Cupcakes?

Um... yeah. That's me.

Oh, man, uh...
I don't want to freak you out,

but your show helped me
through a tough time.

[chuckles]
My friend was going through chemo,

and we would watch
Clash of the Cupcakes together,

and your upbeat attitude,
it got us through, man.

She's totally healthy now,

and I think you had a big part
to do with that.

Wow. Uh, I'm really flattered.

You know, I was just doing the gig,
hosting the show.

Not to me, man.

Not to me.

What's the craziest thing
you've ever done?

Ever? I don't know.

I'll tell you mine.

This one time I went on a date,

and, somehow, I wind up in the bathroom

giving the bartender a hand job.

-Whoa.
-I mean, he was hot.

I totally wanted to fuck,

but I figured I'd go back to my date

'cause he got me a nice dinner.

You know...

So I come back,

and my date was like, "Uh, what's up?"

And I was like, "Not much."

Want to get another round? I'll go get it.

-I-I'm good.
-Are you sure?

Yeah.

So I'm sitting in front of the PS4,
look at the clock,

realize I'm eight hours deep
into an Overwatch sesh.

I'm starving by then,
so I go over to my ramen place, Mr. Taka.

I know Mr. Taka. That place is good.

Oh, it's delicious.

I love their chicken ramen.

It has these really nice yuzu lemon notes.

Big fan of yuzu.

I wrote this whole article about it
for my blog.

Wait. I read that article.

Are you the Ramaniac?

Yeah. Keep it on the DL, man.

I got to protect my secret identity

to have integrity for my blog.

Yeah, yeah.

I can't go to ramen restaurants,
have people start recognizing me.

The chef's gonna come out
asking for my photo.

I don't know. It's a whole thing.

I get it, sure. I am a fan.

I-I read all the reviews.

I have it on my bookmarks toolbar.

Oh, that's nice. It's great to meet a fan.

Uh, you know, we should go get ramen
together sometime.

Yeah, that'd be fun.

I'll come clean, I always assumed
the Ramaniac was a man.

Oh, I get that.

I've been told my writing style
has a masculine energy to it,

you know, like Hemingway or Bukowski.

By the way, you may have heard of my dad,
John Larkin.

Uh... sorry. I don't know him.

♪ Ba-da-ba-da-ba-bee,
Ba-ba-ba-da-bo ♪

-♪ Ba-ba-ba-da-bo ♪
-Fucking Scatman?

You're the son of Scatman?

Yeah, I am.

Here, I ordered these shots
for the three of us.

-[Dev] Wow.
-Thank you.

Hey, to the Scatman.

-[all] To the Scatman!
-[glasses clink]

Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah, sorry.
It's kind of an emergency.

Oh, no problem.

-[cell phone chimes]
-Wait.

Are you on the app?

Oh. Yeah.

Well, that's not an emergency.

That's just kind of shitty, right?
We're on a date.

Kind of.

Sorry.

It's just-- it's only ten o'clock,

and I might be able to meet someone later.

[sighs]

Plus, I really like swiping.

What do you think of that guy?

[sighs]

Let's see the rest of his profile.

Um, sir, do you mind
if I put some music on?

-[man] Yeah, sure.
-What are you throwing on?

Um, I think you might be familiar with it.

["Scatman" by Scatman John
playing over stereo]

Yes!

♪ ♪

♪ Bee, ba-ba-ba-da-bo ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-da-ba... ♪

[Stephanie] Oh, wait. I can't.

Sorry. I have a boyfriend.

What? Then why are you on the app?

I like to use it to make friends.

[sighs] No, that's not what it's for.
It's a dating app.

It's called Love At First Sight.

Well, maybe they should make one
for friends, then.

I'm having a hard time sympathizing
with this problem.

Well, do you want to hang out next week...

as friends?

-You could meet Rod.
-Who's that?

-That's my boyfriend.
-[sighs]

[sighs] Sure.

How'd you meet Rod?

On the app.

[Dev sighs]

["Scatman" by Scatman John
playing over stereo]

Oh.

[both] Oh...

-It's not happening.
-I'm so sorry.

No, it's fine. I, you know...

I-I was just riding the high
from the whole "Scatman" thing.

-And so I thought...
-Yeah.

-...it was gonna go that way.
-Yeah, uh...

But I guess not.

I'm sorry. It's not--

I-I had a lot of fun.

I-I just think it's best if we're
just friends, though, you know?

Sure, yeah.

You know what? I think I might go ahead
and turn off "Scatman."

Okay.

[music stops]

[Dev groans]

So, um, how much further is your place?

It's about 30 blocks away from here.

[Dev] Ah.

Thirty blocks.

Um, this is me.

All right.

Do you want to come over to my place
and maybe have a drink?

Uh, yes, but I can't
'cause I just met you.

-So...
-Fair enough. I mean, I wasn't implying...

No, no, of course not.

I was thinking we'd have a drink,

maybe play Seinfeld Monopoly.

Never played, but sounds fun.

It is fun.

Sometime. Maybe...
maybe we could do something next week.

-Yeah, I'm around. I'll give you a ring.
-Okay.

-All right, bye.
-All right, cool, bye.

[Christine moaning]

Mm, do you-- do you want
to grab a condom from that jar?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

[dramatic percussive tones]

[Christine]
Hey, sorry I can't have you sleep over.

I have to be at Chateau Marmutt
so early tomorrow.

Oh, I understand. It's no problem.

Um... hey, random question.

Um, what's up with the jar?

Mm, it's, um, just a gift
that a friend gave me.

[dramatic percussive tone]

Isn't it a little racist?

Racist?

You can't use that shade of black
to depict African-American people.

No one else has ever been offended by it.

Have any black people seen it?

Uh, I haven't had
any African-American guests.

So I'm the person
with the darkest skin tone that's seen it,

and I'm the most offended.

Don't you see a correlation there?

So...

you think I'm racist now,
but you still had sex with me?

Y-yeah. I did.

I mean, I was kind of...

caught up in the moment.

Don't you think that's hypocritical?

It definitely doesn't reflect well
on my principles, no.

I think you should go.

Well...

just-- just show it
to a black person sometime.

That's all I'm asking.

This was all coming from a good place.

-I-I don't know what else to...
-Get-- get out of my apartment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

[upbeat electronic music]

♪ ♪

[sighs]

♪ ♪

[sighs]

♪ ♪