Master of None (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Religion - full transcript

Back in New York, a visit from observant Muslim relatives puts Dev in a tricky position. He introduces his cousin to a forbidden pleasure: pork.

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[peaceful choral music]

♪ ♪

Hurry up! Let's go!

Dad, I don't want to go to church.

Too bad. You have to go.

[bell tolls]

[groans] I hate going to temple.

I don't feel good.
I just want to stay home!

I don't want to go to processing
to have my thetans cleared.

[woman murmurs]

Here you go.



Whoa, this is good. What is it?

It's bacon.

You've never had this before?

Nope.

[phone rings]

[beep]

[woman] Hello?

Yeah, he's right here.

Dev, your mom's on the phone.

Hi, Mom.

[Nisha] I thought you were coming home.
What are you doing over there?

I'm eating bacon.

Dev...

Bacon is pork. We are Muslims.



We are not allowed to eat pork.

I can't eat it? But it's so good.

Po-da. That's our religion.

Hurry up and come home.

Okay.

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

[soft lounge music playing]

♪ ♪

[Ramesh] Salaam alaikum, brother.

Why you saying "salaam alaikum"?

Salil Uncle and Sabina Auntie
are religious.

Say you are fasting for Ramadan.

Don't order any pork.

Seriously?
I got to pretend like I'm fasting?

Just play along, man.

You're an actor, or you were an actor.

I don't know what you do now.

All right, let's go.

[Ramesh] All right.

Ah.

Hey, how's it going?

As-salaam alaikum, Dev.

Dev, it is so good to see you, beedu.

Good to see you too. How is everything?

[Sabina] Wonderful.

So, Dev, how was the fasting today?

Um, it was good.

You know, I didn't eat anything
from sunrise to sunset,

so I'd say solid fast.

And it must be very difficult to fast
with all those tasty cupcakes at work.

Mm.

Did you know Hakeem Olajuwon
fasted during the NBA Finals?

Wow. Fun fasting fact, huh, Navid?

Yeah, I've heard it before.

Sorry to interrupt, folks.

I wanted to let you know
that spectacular pork dish I mentioned,

we're down to our last one
if you'd like to order it.

No, we don't eat pork.

[waiter] Okay, no problem.

Um, I'll be right back to take your order.

[Dev] Great.

Navid, you're looking good, man.

Do you ever think about modeling?

Like fashion modeling?

[Ramesh] You are a handsome guy.

We need more Indian models.

More? Is there even one?

Inshallah, Navid will be the first one.

Tell Dev

to make some photos.

We'll make a portfolio

and do some posing like this.

One... two...

and three.

[Dev] Wow.

So, Navid, we'll schedule that shoot soon.

-Sounds good.
-[Ramesh] Good.

Auntie, Uncle,
what are you guys doing in town?

Your uncle got us tickets to see
the Timberwolves play the Knicks

at MSG for our anniversary.

Ah, it's gonna be sensational.

And the timing has worked out

so that we can say the Eid prayer
with your parents.

Oh.

And, Dev, will you be joining us?

I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm coming.

He is coming.

Okay, all right, I guess I'm coming.

Navid, you have good hair.

You can do some commercial for shampoo.

What would the poses look like for that?

For a sexy hair, like this.

Wow. Navid, you want to try it one time?

We'll save it for the shoot.

I don't know. You got an expert here.
Might as well take advantage, right?

-For sexy hair...
-[both] Like this.

You got it.

-Dev, how was your trip to Italy?
-It was great.

You must come with us
to hajj in Mecca next year.

Your father says you're quite pious.

Uh, you know, I try. [chuckles]

Dev says prayer
five times a day, every day.

Do you like this mosque
we're going to this weekend?

Um... yeah.

It's a really good mosque.

They have really good AC.

Always a good temperature for the prayer.

And, um, the carpet's very soft, too.

It's one of my--
one of my top five mosques...

...in-- in the world.

How was dinner?

How's my boy Ramesh? How's my girl Nish?

They're good.

Got some religious relatives in town,

so I had to put on a little bit of a show.

Is your family religious,
super into Hindu stuff?

They're not super religious,

but they did make me
go to temple as a kid.

I'd be decked out
in a Sean John velour suit like...

♪ Jaya Jagadisa Hare ♪

[chuckles]

[Tanvi]
They make you go to mosque as a kid?

[Dev] Yeah, we'd go for the big holidays.

I remember when my mom took me
for the first time.

I thought I was gonna see
that Jim Carrey movie The Mask,

then we end up at the mosque.

Not exactly the same.

Ugh, they're still doing it.

My mom wants me to go to this Eid prayer.

Can I bail?

Dude, just go.

Why?

Because you got to compromise.

I mean, just throw them a bone
every now and then.

Remember when Q and I got married?

My parents wanted us to have
some four-hour Hindu ceremony

with some rando priest from Queens.

We just said, "Fine," but, in return,

we played 100% rap at the reception,

explicit versions.

Oh, I remember, Tanvi.

It was pretty intense
when you guys came out

to "Fuck That Shit" by Three 6 Mafia.

Hey, man, that's our song.

[indistinct chatter]

[alternative rock music
playing over speakers]

Navid, you're jacked, man.
How often you go to the gym?

Not that much. Like four times a week.

Mostly chest and arms?

Surprisingly, I do mostly back.

-Why back?
-I want a wide frame.

It's all about the frame.

How's my frame?

Dude... [laughs]

You're a twig.

[clicks tongue] Shut up.

So, uh, what's good to get here?

Ooh, that Cubano's awesome.

[clicks tongue]
It's got pork in it, though.

You eat pork?

Yeah, come on, you know I'm not religious.

-Do you eat pork in front of your parents?
-No way. My mom would pinch me.

What about you? Have you ever had pork?

Not really.

You must be curious, though, right?

Oh, my God.

This is so good.

[Dev] Right?

Pork is amazing.

It's just like chicken but juicier.

Thanks for convincing me
not to fast today.

All right, so be honest.

How religious are you?

You really go to prayer and stuff?

I do the Friday prayer here and there.

I believe in God. I do parts of Islam.

I give to charity.

I try not to be too materialistic.

But there's definitely parts
I just can't keep up with.

Like what?

You got to swear you won't tell anyone.

I started drinking.

What? Do your parents know?

No way. I could never tell them that.

Hey, I get it. We're Indian.

Got to keep up that facade.

Not like white kids
telling their parents about fucking.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I said one bite, friend.

Have fun with your portobello and hummus.

How can you think Towns
is better than Porzingis?

Porzingis can shoot the three.

Porzingis is too skinny.

He can't bang in the post like Towns.

Get this guy a protein shake,
then we'll talk.

You know who is good at basketball?

Michael Jordan.

[laughter]

Yeah, Ramesh, he's good.

Okay, where shall we have dinner
to celebrate Eid?

How about some nice seafood?

My friend Dr. Ibrahim said there's
a very nice Thai restaurant we should try.

Hmm, Thai food.

It's too spicy.

Ramesh. I love Thai food.

We can go there.

What's going on, guys?

Salaam alaikum, beedu.

Alaikum salaam.

Uh, I think I'm gonna head out,
but have fun at the game, guys.

Stay for prayer.

Uhh, I think
I'll just catch my prayer at home.

But have a good time. All right, bye.

[all chattering]

[Ramesh] So I've been going to...

-[Navid] Dude.
-What's up?

Check this out.

It's Hog Wild Weekend
at Smorgasburg tomorrow.

What's Hog Wild Weekend?

It's this big food festival
that has some of the best barbecue

from all over the country.

My friend Curtis went last year,
and he said it's amazing.

Let's skip prayer and go tomorrow.

You want to skip Eid prayer
and go to a barbecue festival?

That's bad, even for me.

Come on. I got a lot of catching up to do.

Let me see this.

Oh, shit, Tickler's is in the mix.

I went once in Nashville.

It was ridic.

All right, how do we skip the prayer?

Um...

Let's say we got food poisoning
and that we'll do prayer from home.

-How do we both get food poisoning?
-We're hanging out tonight.

We can say we got halal cart,
and then we both got sick.

Ooh, that's good.

Come on. You in?

[softly] Yeah.

[glam metal music]

♪ ♪

[no audible dialogue]

♪ ♪

-Oh, my God!
-Yes!

Oh, yeah.

♪ ♪

How are you still eating? You're not full?

Dude, this sausage looks so good.

I just got to have a bite.

Oh, shit, Denise in the cut.

-What up, boo?
-What are you doing here?

Man, you know I fuck with ribs.

Have y'all tried that spot
from Kansas City yet?

Man, them honey wings is bonk.

Denise, this is my cousin Navid.
Navid, this is Denise.

-What up, man?
-Not much--

Oh, shit, it's your dad. Hide.

Stay down.

Oh.

Sorry. Just some similar-looking
Indian dude eating corn on the cob.

Man, I almost had a heart attack.

I thought it was him.

Why the fuck were we just hiding
behind that damn tree?

His dad doesn't know that we eat pork.

It's against our religion.

Wait, aren't y'all two grown-ass men?

Yeah! But we're scared of our parents.

[Denise] Okay, this is crazy.

Now, I got some religious relatives
that's not into the whole lesbian thing,

but I ain't got to hide who I am.

Not that eating pork is on the same level
of scrutiny as being gay,

but you know what I'm saying.

Yeah. Are you religious at all?

We've been friends since we was kids.
You know I go to church sometimes.

Oh, yeah.

You do do that.

Navid raja, are you feeling okay?

Yeah, I feel a lot better
after resting now.

Um, how was the prayer? Sorry I missed it.

Your father's cell phone went off
in the middle of the second rakat.

[Dev clicks tongue]

I set a reminder to go to the prayer.

[chuckles] I set the wrong time. [laughs]

[both speaking Tamil]

All right, guys, uh, we ready to order?

[Sabina] Uh, yes.

We'll have the mango salad,

uh, crab fried rice,

and a veggie green curry-- medium spicy.

Navid, do you want something else?

No, I'm not that hungry.

[waiter] And for you guys?

Um, is there any specialties
of the kitchen?

The crispy pork with Chinese broccoli
is probably our most popular dish.

It's fantastic.

We don't eat pork.

[sighs]

You know what? I do.

And I'll have that. That sounds good.

What-- What's going on?

He's just joking.

Uh, I'm actually not joking.

I'm not that religious, and, uh...

I eat pork.

But it's okay

'cause I'm a good person.

And I'm 33 years old,

and I can make those decisions,
I can eat what I want,

and I-I want to eat the crispy pork
with the broccoli.

Ow! Pinches!

If you are going to order that,
we are leaving.

You're gonna leave?

Yes, we are.

What is arugula?

Ramesh, we are getting out of here.

Goodie-goodie!
Can we all go to seafood place?

I like mahi-mahi.

[sighs]

[Nisha] I can't believe you did this.

[Ramesh] Uncle and Auntie
were very offended.

Well, I'm sorry they're offended.

But you know what? I'm not religious.

And I don't think it's right
to pretend to be.

What do you mean you are not religious?

[Dev] It's just not for me.

What's not for you?

Um, well, there's definitely issues.

What about all the stuff with women?

What is this, Fox News?

Why am I under attack?

[Nisha] Po-da.

You know we don't believe that.

Some people have bad interpretations.

Yeah, and, you know, you guys have
your interpretations, right?

You eat non-halal.

You used to smoke cigarettes.

You don't wear the hijab.

Why can't I have my interpretation
where I'm just nice and I eat pork?

It's not funny.

[Dev] Look, I get it.

For you guys,
religion has this cultural value.

It's not like that for me.

It's people calling me terrorist

and getting pulled out
of airport security lines.

That's because
you lost your passport three times.

I lost it twice.

-[Nisha] No, three times.
-Oh, yeah.

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

I am really disappointed in you.

I'm going to bed.

We could have gone to the seafood place!

None of this would have had happened.

Really?

That's your takeaway after all this?

That we should've gone
to the seafood place?

Yep!

Good night.

[knock at door]

-[Dev] Hey.
-[Ramesh] Hey!

-[Ramesh] Whassup?
-[Dev] How's it going?

It's going great.

I did a few colonoscopies,

ERCPs.

I read a little Harry Potter.

The new one is very good.

Mm. Good to know.

So what's up? What's going on?

Uh, I don't know.

This iPad is not working.

I took it to the Apple Store

to see the Genius.

He couldn't even figure it out.

Did you really go to the Apple Store?

No, the line is too big.

All right, let's see.

So what's wrong with it?

It is very dark.

I think it's dying.

[clicks tongue]

Your brightness isn't up.

Wonderful! You fixed it.

-I'll see you later.
-Wait, wait.

Sit down.

What's going on?

I tried to call Ma today.
She's still not answering.

She's really mad at you.

She's so mad at you,
she even got mad at me.

I asked her to heat up a pizza.

She said, "Go and do it yourself!"

I got scared.

[sighs]

It's been two weeks.

Isn't this a bit much
for just eating pork?

It's not about eating pork.

It's not about the religion.

It's about you ignoring us,

not realizing who you are.

[sighs] What do you mean?

You see, our parents

raised us to be a good Muslim.

When you went out to school,

we gave you a Qur'an.

I don't think you ever read it.

When you act like this,

we feel like we failed you.

You know that's not true.

[Ramesh] Look, man,

you can drink.

You can eat pork.

You can smoke Mary Jane.

That's your business.

But when you do it in front of Mom,

it hurts her feelings.

[exhales deeply] I get it.

All right, I have to go
and watch some Super Singer.

What's Super Singer?

Super Singer
is the Indian version of The Voice.

Only Indian people sings,

no whites.

[Nisha] "Dev, when I went to school,
my mother gave me a Qur'an,

and I want to do the same for you.

If you are confused, scared or worried,

read this, and maybe
you will find some knowledge.

Love, Ma."

[keypad icons tapping]

[text message whooshes]

[sighs]

[mellow jazz music]

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[no audible dialogue]

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