Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 7, Episode 22 - Mary's Big Party - full transcript

After refusing to host Ted and Georgette's first wedding anniversary party, Mary decides to throw a party anyway when one of the news' guests, Congresswoman Margaret Geddes, asks her to host a small dinner for her visiting friend, Johnny Carson to get him away from the throngs of fans sure to bother him at a restaurant. Mary is sure that this party will be a success, unlike most of her parties, which are usually disasters. She, however, refuses to tell anyone the nature of the party beyond the fact that a celebrity will be attending, that is until Johnny's imminent arrival. Before the Congresswoman and Johnny arrive, Mary's guests reminisce about the throng of lousy parties she's thrown. With Johnny attending, is there any way this party can be the worst of them all?

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

[Woman On TV] It's a wonderful
show for a good cause...

The Foster
Children's Foundation.

So we hope that all of
you will try and come.

Well, we certainly will.

For those of us that are
interested, Congresswoman,

just how does one go about
becoming a foster child?

Oh. Time is up?

I'd like to say a special thanks
to our guest, Congresswoman...

Congresswoman Margaret Geddes.

And this is, uh, Ted Baxter,
saying good night and good news.

Well, I think that's the last time we'll
have Ted do a live interview on the news.

Why doesn't he use the questions we
give him? Not those questions he makes up.

"Is it any easier getting dates
once you've been in Congress?"

Well, actually,

Murray, that was
one of my questions.

Well, I mean, yeah, I thought it
would be good for a little giggle.

I didn't know he was gonna
ask it with such intensity.


Ted, please, I don't want to
talk about dating anymore.

Hello, Mary. Margaret. It
was a wonderful interview.

Oh, thank you. Thank you, Mary.

Is Lou in? Yes. Sure.

I want to say
good-bye. Of course.

Mary, I'm glad you liked the show,
because there's a small favor I wanna ask.

Well, it's a pretty big favor. If you don't
want to, just say no, and I'll drop it.

Okay. What is it? Well,
Georgette and I are celebrating...

our first wedding
anniversary tomorrow night,

and I'd like you... to
throw a party for us.

No, Ted. Okay,
okay. I'm dropping it.

Good. But now I'm picking it up.

Well, I said I'd drop it. I didn't
say I'd leave it there. Ted, no.

Please, Mary.

I'll even pay for everything.
Of course, don't go crazy.

Figure a couple of packages of
Velveeta and some Gatorade. Ted!

I am not giving an anniversary party
for you in my apartment, and that's final.

[Chuckles] I'm not worried, Mary,
'cause I know you're gonna reconsider.

I mean, after all, I met
Georgette at your apartment.

We were married
at your apartment.

Even had our baby
at your apartment.

You owe us this.

No, I don't.

- [Door Opens]
- Well, so long, Mary.

Margaret, I hope you can
come back and see us sometime.

Well, I'd love to.
Oh, by the way,

maybe you can help me
out. Yeah, sure. What is it?

Well, we have a celebrity coming
to town to emcee our benefit show,

and I can't take him to
restaurants in public places...

because people make such
a fuss over him. Who is it?

Johnny Carson. Johnny Carson?

[Chuckles] Yes. And I don't
know what to do with him.

Well, do you think it would be too forward
if I offered to give a little party,

and you could
bring him with you?

Mary, that would be
wonderful. Oh, good.

Well, it'll be great for me too.

Everyone around here is always
kidding me about what awful parties I give.

Well, I'm not even gonna tell them he's
coming, and let 'em try to knock this one.

Well, thank you. I'll call you
tomorrow to find out when.

Okay, good. [Giggles]

Ah, Murray. Uh-huh.

I'm gonna have a little party
tomorrow night. Uh, gee, I think I'm busy.

No, no, no, no, Murray.
You don't understand.

This is a very special party
for a very special person.

Oh! Thanks, Mary!

You're sure you're
not just being coy?

Now, come on, Mary. Tell
us who is coming to the party.

I told you, Sue
Ann, it's a surprise.

Well, it must be
somebody important.

This is the first time you ever
hired a maid and bartender.

It's really not that expensive. You can
get both of them to come for three hours...

for just a little more
than I make a week.

[Sue Ann] Oh.

Come on, Mary! Who's
coming to the party tonight?

You said it was a
celebrity. Give a hint.

Uh, is it somebody in
politics? No, not politics.

- Someone in communications?
- Not communications.

- Does it wear pants?
- Yes.

No more questions.

[Doorbell Rings] Oh, boy.
Okay, that could be him.

So, everyone, relax. And, uh, Sue Ann,
everyone, please don't embarrass me, okay?

Just treat him the way
you would anyone else.

I will. Okay.


- Hi.
- Oh.

Another one of your
great parties, I see.

No, Mr. Grant. This is gonna
be a terrific party. I promise you.

Better be. I gave up
tickets to midget wrestling.

Your coat, sir? Yeah, it's
my coat. What about it?

Mr. Grant, uh, this is the maid.

Maid? Are you crazy, Mary,
hiring a maid for one of your parties?

I also hired a bartender.

Nice touch.

Personally, Mary, I think it was very
smart having a maid to hang up the coats.

It's so much nicer than
having them thrown on the bed.

Yeah. And besides, Sue
Ann, with the coats off the bed,

you don't have to worry about
going home with button marks.

Oh, Murray.

You're so droll, so clever.

Wherever did you find a
party hat made of skin?

What's going on here, huh?

Bartender, maid. Huh?

The reason Mary's going
through all the fuss tonight is...

someone very important is
coming to our anniversary party.

Yes, a celebrity. All we
know is that he wears pants.

Yeah? Who is it?

All right, all right. I suppose
I might as well tell you.

You know Congresswoman
Geddes? Yeah.

Well, she has a
friend who's a celebrity,

and she's bringing
him here tonight.

- Who is he, Mary?
- Johnny Carson.

[Sue Ann] What?

Johnny Carson?
Coming to my party?

That's right, Ted.

Boy, is he going to be thrilled.

Well, that is exciting.

This may turn out to be
a pretty fair party after all.

Fair, Mr. Grant? Mm-hmm.

This is going to be the
best party that you have...

What's happening to the lights?

I don't know. I think
they're starting to dim.

[Mary] Oh, my God.

I'd better call the building
manager. Where's the phone?

[Lou] Uh, Mary, have
you got a flashlight?

Yeah. The top left-hand
drawer behind the counter.

[Lou] Cut that out, Sue Ann!

[Sue Ann] I didn't touch you.

[Ted] Sorry, Lou.

Hello. Mr. Finnegan, it's
Mary Richards in apartment...

Yeah, the lights just went
out. The whole building?

But I'm giving a party tonight!

Right. Just-Just sit tight.

[Lou] Mary, your flashlight doesn't
work. The batteries must be dead.

Don't you got any candles?
Yeah, somewhere in there.

I don't know how I'm
gonna find them in the dark.

[Ted] No problem. We'll find
them when the lights come on.

[Lou] Oh, boy. This
is great. Really great.

[Ted] Well, it's not gonna stop
me from having a good time.

Come on, Georgette. This is
our anniversary. Let's dance.

[Georgette] Okay, Teddy
bear. ♪♪ [Ted Humming]

[Objects Clattering, Crashing]

[Ted] Sorry, Mary.

[Lou] Great party.

[Mary] Shut up.

[Murray] Don't worry, Mary.
I'm sure the lights will come on...

before your other
guests get here.

[Sue Ann] And believe
me, dear, even if they don't,

it's no reason why we
can't all have a good time.

Sue Ann knows, Mary.

When it comes to entertaining
people in the dark, she's an expert.

[Ted] Hey, I got a great idea. Why
don't we take advantage of the dark?

Let's all sit down
and tell ghost stories.

[Lou] Ted? What?

Get off my lap!

I'm sorry, pal.

[Mary] How can this be happening
to me, after all the planning?

It's gonna turn out to be the
absolutely worst party ever.

[Lou] But that's
impossible, Mary.

You'd really have to
go a long way to top...

some of the bad
parties you've had.

[Ted] He's right, Mary.
You've had some real bombs.

[Mary] That's not true. [Lou]
As long as I can remember,

it's been one bomb
party after another.

The worst one was the
one you gave with Rhoda...

where you fixed me
up with a blind date,

and it turned out
to be a little old lady.

[Mary] We meant
well. Yeah, sure.

Excuse me.

You're excused, Lou. Thanks.

Mary? I wonder if I could
have a word with you.


Mary, I can't tell her.

Mr. Grant, why don't
you just go through with it?

I mean, it's just for one night.

She's a sweet, lovely lady.

You have absolutely nothing
to be embarrassed about.

Yeah, maybe you're
right. [Chuckles]

What's to be embarrassed
about? [Doorbell Buzzes]

Excuse me.

Hi, Mary! Hiya, Mary.

- Hiya, Rhoda.
- Hi.

Hiya, Lou. Say,
who's the old lady?

Martha Dudley, I'd like you to meet
Georgette Franklin and Ted Baxter.

Oh, nice to meet you.

This is Martha Dudley, and
she is Lou's date for the evening.

Nice to meet you too. Thank you.

Come on, Lou. Who is she really?

That's who I'm
taking to the dinner.


How nice to meet
you. Well, thank you.

Have you and Mr. Grant
been going together long?

No. This is our first date.
We met through Mary.

You know, Mr. Baxter,
you look very familiar to me.

Uh, you've probably
seen me on television.

No, I don't watch
television. I have a fireplace.

Excuse me. You're excused.

[Mary] Georgette, that's
a lovely dress. Is it new?

Pretty new. I bought
it this afternoon.

[Laughing] That's quite
a date you got there, Lou.

You want to see if she's
got a granddaughter for me?

At least nobody can accuse
you of robbing the old cradle.

But... But on the other hand,
she's not bad, Lou, really.

Actually she's kind of cute,
you know. Kind of grows on you.

Got nice legs.

Mr. Grant?

Martha has had such
an interesting life.

Did you know she was flower girl
at Thomas Alva Edison's wedding?

[Sue Ann] I remember the first time you
had Congresswoman Geddes to dinner.

I prepared a delicious
veal Prince Orloff.

[Mary] Right. Just
enough for six people.

And then Rhoda surprised
me by showing up with a date.

Hi, Mar. Hi.

Mary, this is Steve Waldman.

Steve, this is Mary
Richards. Hello.

Hello. Rhoda, could I talk
to you for just a moment?

Yes, and I wanted
to talk to you too, Mar.

I'll be with you in a minute,
Steve. Rhoda, why is he here?

Mary, listen, Steve and I
worked together at Hemple's.

And tonight, after four years
with the store, he gets fired.

So when he asked me to have
dinner, I just couldn't say no.

The salad is on the
table. Hello, Rhoda dear.

- Mary, we eat in four minutes.
- Sue Ann, nobody is here yet.

They're not here. Rhoda,
do you see these chairs?

There are six chairs. Do you see
them? There is no room for him.

Mary, he could sit up there at
the little table. Rhoda, please...

Please, Rhoda, listen, I want
this party to be a good party.

I want that so badly, and
there is not enough food for him.

Sue Ann made it
very clear to me.

There are exactly six portions of
veal Prince Orloff. No more, no less.

- He can have half of mine.
- Three minutes, Mary.

I know, Sue Ann! I know!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. A
little tense. [Knocking]

Hi, I'm Steve
Waldman. Lou Grant.

Murray Slaughter. How are ya?

Fine. Fine. I just got
fired. I'm sorry to hear that.

- Yeah, me too.
- Hi, Murray. Come in. Mr. Grant.
- Hi, Mar.

Hi, Mary. Can I get you a drink?

Yeah, sure. No drinks,
Mary. We eat in two minutes.

Miss Richards, I wanna thank
you for inviting me to dinner.

Rhoda, set a place
for him at the little table.

- Thank you.
- One minute, Mary.

Sue Ann, Congresswoman
Geddes isn't here yet.

Mary dear, do you have
any idea what happens...

if you let veal Prince Orloff
sit in an oven too long?

No. What? He dies.


Hello, I'm Margaret
Geddes. Steve Waldman.

Oh, how do you
do? I was just fired.

I'm sorry. Congresswoman
Geddes, it's so nice to see you again.

Everybody, this is Representative...
Oh, Margaret. Margaret.

Margaret Geddes. Rhoda
Morgenstern. It's a pleasure.

Lou Grant. Hello. How are you?

Murray Slaughter. It's a
pleasure, Congresswoman.

And Sue Ann Nivens.

How do you do? Mary,
your dinner is served.

Well, shall we all
take our places then?

What happened to my
drink? Oh, Mary's so sorry...

to rush us all like this, but
she mistimed her dinner.


Mary dear, would you like to
bring out the veal Prince Orloff?

Sure. And we'll start
on your lovely salad.

- Mary made it all herself.
- Oh, my, it looks delicious.

Thank you.

And this is Mary's
veal Prince Orloff.

Oh, wow! That's beautiful!

Look at that! Can you
see that? That smells good.

It's fantastic! Beautiful.

[All Chattering]

Mrs. Geddes? Oh, not
yet, dear. Thank you.

I haven't finished my
salad. I've finished my salad.

Excuse me. Could
someone just pass the salt?

Coming right up.

Mr. Grant. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I'm really starved, Mary.

I really am. Thanks a lot.

Thank you.

Mr. Grant, could I speak
to you for a minute?

Oh, yeah. Go ahead. In the
living room. I need your help.

Oh, sure. Mmm. Wait a minute.

What's wrong, Mary?
You seem upset.

Mr. Grant, you took
three servings of the veal.


Mr. Grant, there are
six people. You took half.

You mean, that's all there is,
what's on this platter? Yes. Please.

Mr. Grant, you've
got to put some back.

I just don't have
enough for everybody.

Three people aren't
going to get any dinner.

All right. I'll put it
back. Thank you.

Say, you know what?

I'm not as hungry
as I thought I was.

[Ted] Speaking of surprises,
Mary, where are your guests?

[Mary] I don't know. If I'm lucky,
maybe they decided not to come.

[Lou] Just as well. Why should
somebody she doesn't even know...

have to suffer through
one of her parties?

[Mary] You know, come to
think of it, Mr. Grant... Uh-huh?

I could've had some really
great parties if it weren't for you.

Me? Yes, that's right.

Remember the surprise
birthday party I tried to give you?

Could've been terrific. But,
no. You wouldn't let anyone in.

Aw, let him go. Who wants him?

Fine. We're all agreed.
I got to get out of here.

[Guests] Surprise!

By the back door. No, Mr. Grant.

There isn't any back door.
That is a very foolish thing.

Do you know how dangerous
it is not to have a back door?

But, Mr. Grant,
they're just friends.

No friends are coming
through that door.

They stay out. How
could you do this, Gordy?

It was not his idea. Don't always
stand up for other people, Mary.

You shouldn't have talked her
into this. Now I want to get out.

Now, wait. Wait. I'll
tell you what. [Knocking]

We'll just let Murray
in. [Knocking Continues]

You like Murray,
don't you, Mr. Grant?

Yeah. I like Murray. Okay, then.

We'll just let
Murray in. That's all.

Mary, you open that door, and
they're all going to come in here.

They won't, Mr. Grant. I
promise you. Just Murray.

[Guests] ♪ Happy
birthday to you ♪ [Shushing]

Um, everybody, if you can
just give me a few minutes.

It seems that he doesn't
like, uh, birthdays.

[Woman] What did you
say? He doesn't like birthdays!

Is Murray out there?
Murray! Murray!

Come in here for just a minute,
please. No, no. [Clamoring]

Please, just
Murray. Just Murray.

Please. Only a minute.
[Clamoring Continues]

So you don't like
surprise parties.

Is that any reason to keep
me stuck out in the hall?

That's no reason.
No reason at all, Lou.

Here's your present.
Happy birthday.

There. You see, Mr. Grant? That
wasn't so bad, was it? [Knocking]

So what do you say now
we, uh, bring Rhoda in?

You like Rhoda, don't you,
Mr. Grant? [Knocking Continues]

Yeah, I like Rhoda. Okay, then.

We'll just let Rhoda in.

[Guests] ♪ Happy
birthday to you ♪

Please, if you'll just bear
with me for a few minutes.

Everything's coming
along just fine. Just fine.

Look, you want to clear a
space on the stairway so that...

[Man] Clear a space.

Rhoda, could you come in for
just a minute, please? Yeah?

I have to go to the bathroom.

Standing out here all this time!
How come we can't go in there, Mary?

Mary, I think we've found a
theme for this party... hatred.

Mr. Grant, this is
silly. It's embarrassing.

I mean, I invited
those people here.

[Clamoring] Back, you animals!

Boy, I can see why you
don't want those losers in here.

[Murray] You have to admit it,
Lou. You weren't much fun that night.

[Lou] Okay, I admit it.

I ruined one of your parties.

[Knocking] [Mary] They're here.

[Whimpers] What am I gonna do?

[Murray] Just answer the door,
Mary. Maybe it's the building manager.

[Sue Ann] Mary, watch
where you're walking!

Sue Ann, what are
you doing on the floor?

And, Mr. Grant, I'm
surprised at you too.

[Lou] Surprised at
what? I'm over here.

Well, who's this?
[Man] The bartender.

Mary? Mrs. Geddes?

Yes! [Laughs] Oh. I'm so glad
you could come to my party.

We're having a power
failure. Yes, I know.

We were stuck in the
elevator for an hour.

Johnny had to climb through the
trapdoor at the top to get us out.

Oh, Mary, this is Johnny Carson.


[Johnny] Nice
place you have here.

I just... I can't tell you what a
pleasure it is to meet you, Mr. Carson.

[Margaret] Mary, you're
shaking my hand. Oh, sorry.

Well, come in. I'm really
sorry about the power failure.

[Johnny] Ah, don't
apologize, Mary. I've...

I've always thought it'd be terrific
to come back to the Midwest...

and be in a dark
apartment full of strangers.

[Mary Chuckles] Well, yes.

Let me introduce
you to my friends.

Uh, Johnny Carson,
say hello to Lou.

[Lou] Hi.

Hi! [Johnny] Hello.

[Mary] That's Lou. And
Murray Slaughter. Uh-huh.

[Murray] Hiya, Johnny.
How-How are you?

[Mary] Murray's about 5'11".

Has blue... blue eyes.
Well, no... [Stammers]

Okay. Somewhere in here is
Ted Baxter and his wife, Georgette.

[Georgette] Hello.
[Johnny] Uh, how are you?

[Ted] Nice seeing you, pal.

Hey, you know you look a
lot better in person? [Laughs]

[Mary] And let's see. Who
else? Oh, yes. Sue Ann Nivens.

Uh, Sue Ann? Sue Ann?

[Sue Ann] We're in here, dear.

Hi, everybody. [Chuckles] Sue Ann,
I'd like you to meet Johnny Carson.

[Sue Ann Laughs]

[Johnny] Mary, do
you... do you have a dog?

[Mary] No. Well, in that case,

one of your guests
just licked my face.

[Sue Ann] Oh, I'm sorry.

[Johnny] Look, Mary, I'd love to stay
and get to know all of your friends better,

but I really do have to
catch an early flight tomorrow.

[Mary] Oh, well,
thanks for stopping by.

Just wonderful having you.
You really made the party.

[Murray] So long, Johnny.

[All Saying Good-byes]

[Margaret] Good-bye,
Mary. [Mary] Bye.

[Johnny] Thanks
for everything, Mary.

[Door Closes] [Ted]
There goes Johnny!

[Mary] Well, at least he came.

[Murray] Yeah. He
seems like a nice guy.

[Lou] You know, Mary, when...

When I walked in here tonight,

I expected to
find another one...

of your typical, lousy parties.

But I was wrong,
Mary. Very wrong.

[Mary] Thanks, Mr. Grant.

This was the worst ever.