Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 7, Episode 23 - Lou Dates Mary - full transcript

After yet another disastrous date - by her calculations, her two thousandth date - Mary comes to the realization that she hates the rituals of dating. She also doubts that her version of Mr. Right will come into her life. But as Mary lists all those attributes of who she considers Mr. Right, Georgette tells her that she already knows him: Lou. Mary is at first incredulous to the idea of even dating Lou, but the more she thinks about it, the more it seems like a good idea. The first hurdle is actually convincing Lou it's a good idea. After thinking about it, Lou agrees to dinner at Mary's place. The second hurdle is for Mary to be able to call him "Lou". The third hurdle is overcoming their respective nerves for the evening to be a comfortable and fun one. And the fourth hurdle is moving their relationship from the realm of friends into lovers, which includes no talk about the newsroom. Can both overcome all these hurdles?

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪


Oh, Jake, this has
been a terrific evening.

Lots of fun. Good.

I'm glad you finally agreed
to go out with me. Ah.

Hey, what a nice apartment.

Oh, thank you. Would
you like a brandy?

Oh, no, no. No, thank you, Mary.

Anything more to drink
tonight, and I'll start to giggle.

That's how you can tell
when I've had enough. I giggle.

[Giggling] Isn't that the
silliest thing you ever heard of?

- A grown man giggling?
- I'll fix you some coffee.

[Laughs] Coffee sounds great.

To tell you the truth, I could use
some myself after all that wine.

- You didn't have
that much wine.
- Well, it was a lot for me.

- Four glasses.
- You had five,
but who's counting?

[Giggling] Well, four or five.

It was delicious, but it
sneaks up on you, you know?

Wine tastes so
good, you don't...

- What are you doing?
- I just thought
I'd make myself comfortable.

What do you think you're doing?

- I just figured
it was a good idea.
- Put on your shirt.

- Oh, come on, Mary.
- Put on your shirt!

- I just thought it was...
- Geez! I hardly know you.

I didn't mean any harm.

Well, we seemed to be
hitting it off, and I just thought...

You just thought.
You just thought.

You just thought!

This isn't the first date this
has ever happened to you, is it?

Yes, as a matter of
fact, this is a first. Out.

Maybe you haven't dated much.

Haven't dated much?

I have been dating
since I was 17. I'm 37.

That's two decades of dating.

Don't tell me I
haven't dated much.

I go out on an average
of two times a week.

That's a hundred times 20 years.

That's 2,000 dates.

If you don't like it, why
did you do it 2,000 times?

Well, they haven't all been bad.
There have been some good ones.

About 10%.

That's 200
real-really fine ones.

And 1,800 rotten ones.

I probably should have taken
a hint from the very first date.

I remember it all so clearly.

Roseburg High.

Jack O'Brien took me to
the football dinner dance.

Brought me a corsage...

to which, as it turned
out, he was allergic.

- So every time we danced,
he sneezed.
- Poor guy.

I was wearing my
first strapless gown.

I was terrified it
wouldn't stay up.

I had to go around
all hunched over.

All night long, we drifted
across the dance floor,

hunching and sneezing,
hunching and sneezing.

It's nice to have memories.

I just can't figure out why you're
making such a big thing out of this.

Because I am thinking
of all the rituals of dating.

And for what?

All the hours spent
getting through the evening,

saying all those
things you have to say.

I just have had it with all these
games over and over again.

- I'm too old for this.
- Mary, I'm really sorry
if I upset you.

No. Listen. I
probably overreacted.

I... Listen. It just hit
me all off a sudden.

And I really... I shouldn't have
taken it all out on you. I'm sorry.

No, no. Not at all. Not at all.

This has been a very
special evening for me too.

I've never had a girl
talk to me like this...

Open up and tell me
everything that she's feeling.

That's very rare.

Oh, well, thank you. It's
nice of you to say that.

It makes me think maybe
there's some hope after all.

How about some coffee?

I'd love some. Okay.

I usually don't
do things like that.

If you knew me,
you would know...

Out! All right.


Morning, Sue Ann. Oh, hiya, Mar.

How was your date last night?
Did you have a good time?

Not terrific.

Oh, that's too bad, dear.

Perhaps you should think about
changing your escort service.

Hi, Mar. Guys.

[Mary] Hi. Well, I'd
love to stay and chat,

but Lou has given me my first
feature assignment on the news.

I'm going to be covering that
bodybuilder's contest at the armory...

To pick the best male
body in the Twin Cities.

Oh, well, then I'd better
schedule a cameraman.

Oh, that won't be
necessary, dear.

I thought I'd trace them.

Now, wait a minute. Maybe I don't
want a feature like that on my news.

Those bodybuilders
are all a little... You know.

No, Ted. A little what?

Oh, come on, Mary.

There's a name
for a guy like that...

who... [Clears Throat]
spends all his time posing,

battening his eyes, blowing
kisses at himself in the mirror.

Right. "Ted Baxter."

Either he's a lucky guesser,
or you're a blabbermouth.

Don't you listen to Ted, Mary.
It's going to be a wonderful feature.

Besides, it would be a crime to
waste two dozen gorgeous bodies,

especially when there are women
in India going to bed frustrated.

Ah, that Sue Ann.
She's so lucky, isn't she?

She never tires of playing
the game. [Chuckles]

What's wrong, Mary?

Oh, I don't know,
Georgette... Me, men, dating.

You know how you go along...

thinking someday you'll
meet the right person?

Well, for the first time, I'm
not sure that's gonna happen.

I'm not even sure he exists.

At least not the kind of
man I'm talking about.

You mean like Ted?

Well, my version of Ted.

I didn't think I was
asking for that much,

but I haven't met anyone
who even comes close.

Someone who
doesn't care how I look,

because he's more
concerned with who I am.

Somebody strong
and intelligent...

who respects me,
who I can respect,

who has gentleness in him.

I guess there just
aren't any men like that.

Sure they are. You know one.

[Laughs] Well, if I do, I
sure wish you'd point him out.

- Lou Grant. - [Laughs] Come on.

He has every quality
you said you wanted.

And I'll throw in one of my
own. He's cute as a button.

Me date Lou Grant?

Come on. That's ridiculous.

I mean, sure, I
enjoy his company,

and, yes, he is someone I respect,
and I have a good time with him,

and he doesn't
play little games,

and I am comfortable with him.

And he is straightforward...

and intelligent
and... [Chuckles] fun.

You're right, Mary.
It was a dippy idea.

Georgette, you know, I could
date Mr. Grant. I really could.

I could walk in that office
and ask him for a date.

I could just get up
and walk in there and...

- Hit on him.
- Exactly.

I could and I want
to and I should.

So why aren't my
feet taking me in there?

No guts.

Okay. That did it.
I thought it would.

I know you thought it would.
I'm gonna do it anyway.

- I thought you were.
- I know you thought...

[Lou] Yeah?

- Mr. Grant, could I talk
to you for a minute?
- Sure.

- What's wrong?
- Well, I'm not sure
how to say what I wanna say.

Why don't you just
stammer like you always do?

Mr. Grant, could you please
be just a little more sensitive?

I don't want the tough
part. I want the gentle.

What are you talking about?
I'm talking about the fact...

that I'm about to do something
that's sort of, uh, difficult.

I'm gonna say something, and I'm-I'm
not sure how you're, uh, gonna, uh, react.

So, uh... Okay.
All right. Here goes.

I think you're a
terrific man, Lou Grant,

and I wanna go out
on a... a date with you.

[Clears Throat]

You wanna go out
on a date with me?

You're out of your mind.

All right, wait a
minute. Wait a minute.

Maybe I'm jumping
to conclusions.

What do you mean by a
date? A date in what sense?

In the sense of a man
and woman who date.

But we're not a man and a woman.

We're friends. We
respect each other.

We care for each other.
We care a great deal.

How can two people who
feel like that date each other?

Well, Mr. Grant, I'm not gonna
try to talk you into dating me.

Just forget I brought it up.

Wait a minute. What is it?

I don't know.

I just thought it was important
to stop you. Now you can go.

Why don't you
wanna go out with me?

Well, because I never
thought about you socially.



One... Once.

Yeah. The...

The time you wore that
black dress with the red rose...

to the Teddy Awards.

It was just that once.

Um, did, uh...

Did you ever think
about, uh, me...

that way before now?


The time you wore
that brown suit...

with the narrow tie...
and the wine stains.

Salt from the
pretzels on the lapel.

That was about the only time.

That is a nice-looking suit.

Mary, you got yourself a date.


- Um, tonight?
- Fine.

- My place for dinner?
- Sure.


Well, then, I'll see
you tonight, Mr... Lou.

This is... This is completely...

This is completely
crazy. You know that?

Are you sure?

Maybe not.

Come on, Lou. Tell me.
There's something on your mind.

Why do you say that? Because
you're not listening to me.

You look at me, but
you're not listening,

so there's got to be
something on your mind.

Why do you say that?

Lou. What?

I just told you. Oh. Oh,
I'm... I'm sorry, Murray.

I guess I wasn't
listening to you.

There's something on my mind.

Oh, really? Yeah.

It's about Mary. Mary?

What's wrong with Mary?
That's what I'd like to know.

Lou, what's wrong with Mary?


who she is planning to date.

Oh. Well, let's see. Uh...

She's terrifically
attractive and desirable...

and, uh, well, could have almost
anyone she wants. Right. Right.

So you wouldn't be
asking me to guess...

unless it was someone unlikely.

Yeah, very clever, Murray.
You're getting warm.

Someone terribly unattractive...

totally undesirable,

a real creep, a born loser.

Hey, hey! You
looking for trouble?

What are you talking about, Lou?

She, uh...

[Clears Throat]
wants to date me.


You heard me.

Mary wants me... to,
uh, be her boyfriend.


Oh. [Stammers]

I'm sorry, Lou. I didn't
mean anything by that. I...

No. No. It's okay. It's okay.

It's a perfectly
reasonable question.



Another one, Lou? Yeah.

How about you, Murray?
No. No. No, thanks.

Now, Lou, tell me the truth.

Do you really mean
that Mary wants you to...

Well, to go out with
her? Yep. Tonight.

She made it very clear.

She's tired of the guys she's been
dating, and she wants to date me.

I don't know what to do.

What would you do, Murray, huh,

if you were single and Mary
asked you to go out with her?


Oh. Yeah, yeah. I forgot.

You've always
been in love with her.

But I'm... I'm
completely wrong for her.

I'm too old.

I'm too... everything.

No. No, you're not, Lou.

Hey, Mary's right.
I can see her point.

What are you talking about?

Well, you're a very
attractive guy, Lou. Oh!

No, no, no. I can see why
you might be right for Mary.

I mean, you're
entertaining. You're smart.

You're considerate, mature,

and you're single.

You got a lot going for you.

You really think so?

[Doorbell Rings]

Why, Lou, you shouldn't have.

Yeah, well, I couldn't
remember which kind of flowers...

that you like best.

So you brought two?


Thank you. Yeah.

And, uh, here's some wine. Oh.

And some chocolates.

No mixed nuts?

Come in.

[Clears Throat]


- So here I am.
- Right.

I'll-I'll make you a drink.

Oh, and I'll-I'll open
the wine. Okay.

Here. Okay. There.

Oh. You... You look sensational.

Thank you. So do you.


Ah. [Chuckling] Excuse me. Oh!

No, no. My fault. No,
no. I was crowding you.

Ah. Ah.

Look. Look, it's silly...

The two of us feeling
awkward like this.

We're both mature.

Uh, we understand that this is a
new situation for the both of us,

but we can handle it.

That's exactly what
I was gonna say.

I'll put this on
the table. Right.

- [Laughing]
- Wha-What are you
smirking at?

Well, it's funny. Huh?

I mean, the two of us, who have
known each other as long as we have,

suddenly ill at
ease, in suspense.

In suspense about what?

You know, about
what's gonna happen.

[Laughs] Both of us wondering...

whether you're gonna,
you know, kiss me.

No, I wasn't
thinking about that.

It never even crossed my mind.

[Chuckles] Certainly
not before dinner.

Well, we... we-we've got a
whole evening in front of us.

Uh, drinks, food.

A whole evening. Cheers.


Let's eat. Why not?

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

You... You really
look sensational.

Wearing that dress
was a nice gesture.

Well, two kinds of flowers
was a nice gesture too.

- Three.
- Three.

Sh-Shall I put on some music?

No. Uh, no, no.

Uh, I don't like
to... to eat to music.

It tends to make
me chew in rhythm.

There we go. Thank you.

[Clearing Throat]


Say... Say,

Ted did something kind of
funny on the broadcast tonight.

Ah, no... no newsroom talk.

What? No, that's...
Not on a date.

We can't talk about
the newsroom.

Oh. Right.

♪♪ [Humming]

♪♪ [Humming Continues]

Mmm! Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm, mmm. This is really
delicious. How do you make it?

I pour oil and
vinegar on lettuce.


I'll have... I'll have
to remember that.

Oil and vinegar on lettuce.

Yeah, that's nice.
Oh, Lou, this is silly.

We don't have to make
dumb small talk either.

I mean, can't we
just... behave normally?

- My hand is sweaty,
isn't it?
- No, it isn't.

It's mine. Really, it is.
I'm just not good at this.

No. But really, sweaty
hands run in my family.

They always have. This is what
happens when I get nervous.

I've just never been
good at this sort of thing.

No, that's all right.
I'm not good at it either.

Sure you are.

No, I'm not. Not
when I'm this nervous.

You... You mean you're
nervous right now?

A little.

I'm making you nervous?


Mary, we're not gonna
feel comfortable here...

until we find out where
this dating stuff leads.

I think you're right.

I don't know about you,

but the suspense is killing me.

Well, then, let's
end the suspense.



[Both Laughing]

That was really
silly... Kissing you.

Didn't that turn out
to be just so dumb?

Oh! I-I-I think we both just found
out something in record time.

I do too. This will never work.

Never in a million years.

[Exhales] Good night, Mary.

Good night, Lou.

Say, Ted did something
tonight on the broadcast.

It was really kind of funny.
Yeah? What was that, Mr. Grant?

Well... [Continues, Indistinct]