Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 7, Episode 21 - Mary's Three Husbands - full transcript

At the end of the working day, Lou invites Murray and a party crashing Ted into his office for a drink. Their discussion about Mary, who is off on another date with probably the latest in a string of men who will not amount to being anyone serious in her life, leads to them talking about wanting Mary to be happy in a marriage. That further leads to each of the three fantasizing about what it would be like to be Mary's husband, without each stating they are doing so to the other two. Each one of their fantasies is an exaggerated sense of their own reality. In the end, they project that exaggerated reality onto what they truly hope will be a loving marriage for Mary, with whoever the lucky guy.

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Hey, Murray. Huh?

Come on in and have a drink
before you go home. Okay, sure.

What about me, Lou?


Don't let me drink too much,
though, 'cause I get silly.

Ted, before you go in there, you
got to promise you won't get silly.

Okay, I promise. All right.

Cutie pie. Cutie, cutie, cutie!


Hey, this is great, guys.
Just like old times. [Laughing]

Say, Lou, you got any of those coasters
with those funny sayings on them?

Drink, Ted.

Over your lips and
down your throat,

may you never wake
up laying next to a goat.

- That's real cute, Ted.
- Thanks.

It was on the wall of the
men's room at the zoo.

Hey, this is really exciting.

You know, this is the first time
I've had a night out with the boys...

since I've been married.

Too bad Mary couldn't be here.

Ted, if Mary was here, it wouldn't
be a night out with the boys.

It would be for her.

- Who'd she
go out with tonight, Lou?
- She didn't say.

How do you figure a terrific
woman like Mary never got married?

I don't know. She probably just
never met the right guy yet. That's all.

She deserves the best.

Yeah. The only problem is maybe
there isn't anybody good enough for her.

[Chuckles] Oh, come on.

Any one of us would make
a perfect husband for her.

Hey, wouldn't that be
something... being married to Mary?

Yeah. Imagine.

Yeah, she'd make a great wife.

Considerate, warm, sensitive.


Yeah. Great wife.


Honey, I did it.

I did it. I finally
started my novel.

Oh, Murray!

I'm so proud of you. Can I
see what you've written so far?

Well, there's not
much. I just started.

"Somewhere outside,
a dog was barking."

Oh, Murray, it's brilliant.

Oh! Do you really like it?

It's the finest thing you've
ever done. Oh, thanks, Mary.

And now, Murray, I
have news for you too.

Oh? What is it?

I'm pregnant.

Are you sure?


Oh, what am I saying? Of
course you're sure. Look at you.

Oh, wow. Our very first baby.

Uh! I feel so terrible. Why?

Well, I was so wrapped
up in my novel and myself,

I didn't even notice
you were pregnant.

Oh, Murray, darling, don't blame
yourself. How could you have noticed?

Well, with working
at the factory all day,

the post office all night and
driving a cab on weekends,

well, you've hardly seen
me the last few months.

Yeah. Well, from now on,
things are gonna change.

You're giving up those jobs.

No, no. Murray.

Yes, Mary. Things are gonna change.
I'm gonna go out and go to work.

Murray, I won't hear of that.
You've got to finish your novel.

Oh, Mary, I can't have
you sacrificing like this.

I'm gonna go out. I'm
gonna get a real job...

so we can build a future
for ourselves and the baby.

Oh, after all, I'm not
getting any younger.

Murray, don't talk like that.
No, it's true, Mary. It's true.

I'm gonna tell you something. You may not
believe it. I know you won't believe it.

But I'm gonna tell you anyway.

I think I'm going bald.


Oh, Murray, darling.

You will never, ever go bald.

Thank you, Mary.

Oh, you're the best wife, Mary.

Now, you sit down and
you finish that novel.

But, honey... Murray, sit.

I don't care how long it
takes. You are not giving up.

Even if I have to go
on working forever.

You're right,
Mary. I will finish it.

I'll make you proud of
me. You wait and see.

There's a story inside of
me that's got to be told...

as only I can tell it.

Go to it, Murray. But
where do I go from here?

Oh, Murray, you'll think of
something wonderful and...


- What is it, dear?
- Oh, nothing, darling. Just labor pains.

Oh, my God. Sit down.

Murray, no. Come on,
we only have one chair.

You sit.


Mary, I've got to drive
you to the hospital.

Nonsense. Nonsense.
I'll hitch a ride.

I'll just pack my things. You
keep writing that novel, Murray.

Oh, ho, ho.

That one was a killer.

[Typing] Oh, boy!

Honey, will you hold it down.
I'm trying to work in here.

[Typing] Sorry, darling.
I was just giving birth.


It's a boy.

He's beautiful.

What a woman.


A great wife.

What's that, Murray? Huh?

Oh. Uh, well, I
was just saying, uh,

I think Mary would make
a terrific wife for somebody.

Yeah, well, while we're on
the subject of terrific women,

I'd like to propose a toast...

to some wonderful girls
that are very dear to my heart,

help make my life complete.

To my wife, my mother...

and Charlie's Angels.

You know, I think
Mary should hold out...

until she meets
the perfect guy...

Somebody intelligent,
handsome, talented.

Like Georgette did.

Too bad I'm married.

I'd have been great for Mary.

Um, there's an extra buck
in it if you'll help me with this.

Yes, sir.

There you are. Would you like me
to show you where everything is?

No, thank you. I'm
sure she'll tell me.

Oh, darling.

I can't believe I'm
really Mrs. Ted Baxter...

Married to the most famous, most
brilliant anchorman in the whole world.

After all these
years of needing you,

wanting you, it's
finally happened.

You're mine, all mine.

It's no doubt about it.
You're a lucky broad.

Ted, if you only knew how
long I've waited for this moment.

Please. Honey.

I know you're only human,
but try to control yourself.

Oh, Ted. Oh, Ted, darling,
let's never leave this room.

Let's nail the door shut and
spend the rest of our lives here...

doing crazy things.

No inhibitions. Okay,
but no whips or midgets.

- Oh, Ted, promise me
you'll never leave me.
- I promise.

- Even if you meet
someone more beautiful?
- Oh, no way.

- Someone more exciting?
- Impossible.

- Someone with more money?
- Nice room, isn't it?

I'm going to get
ready now, darling.

Ready for the most
exciting moment of my life.

♪ Teddy boy ♪

♪ Tonight's the
night we're falling ♪

♪ Oh, boy ♪

♪ Oh, boy ♪♪


[Mary] I'll be ready
in a minute, darling.

Wasn't that a wonderful
wedding, honey?

Oh, just beautiful, Ted.

It was so nice that so many
of your friends could come.

I was really surprised when the
Queen of England showed up.

Who, Liz?

Well, why not? Breaks
up the monotony.

Gives her a chance
to get out of the castle.

And wasn't it sweet
of the Pope to come?

Yes, but he sure loused
up the seating arrangement.

Should've been
boy-girl, boy-girl.

At least he could
have brought a date.


Mary, this may sound impossible,

but you're even more
beautiful than I am.


Mary, you have no idea how
long I've waited for this moment.

Let's get started. We only
have the room for a week.

No, no. No. No. No, no, no. No?

- What do you mean no? You've got to.
- No, I don't.

- Yes, you do. It's my fantasy.
- Ted, I have limits.

I will only go so far,
even in your fantasy.

- What are you talking about?
- I mean, I will kiss you.

I will say nice things to you.

I will even dress up in my
favorite shorty nightgown.

But I will not get
into that bed with you.

Mary. Please, just go along
with this for a few more minutes,

and I'll never bother you again.

No, Ted. I'm sorry. I can't.

What am I gonna
do? I don't know.

I'm really sorry, Ted.



Poor Mary.

Wonder if she'll
ever get married.

Ted, will you knock it off?

I didn't invite everybody
here to talk about Mary.

Lou's right. There must be
other things we can talk about.

Of course. We can
discuss anything.

Politics, movies, football.

Right. Let's discuss
football. Fine with me.

Good. Now, how
do you guys figure...

an intelligent girl like Mary
doesn't understand football?

Beats me. [Lou] Mm-hmm.

- Hey, you know who
she should marry?
- Who?

- Someone like you.
- [Ted Giggles]


No, Lou.

Strong, sensitive,


Yeah. I think you and Mary
would have a terrific marriage.


Mary and I are like brother
and sister. It'd never last.

Why not? I've had the
same sister for 40 years.

Who knows?

Maybe it would last.

Come on, Mary.
I'm holding the door.

You know, Mary,

maybe we should have
taken the day off today.

After all, it is our 50th
wedding anniversary.

Oh, you know you
couldn't do that.

You would never miss
a day in your newsroom.

Yeah. You love it too much.

Yeah. That's right.

And I love you too, Mary Grant.

- Are you happy?
- Deliriously happy.

Yeah? Except, of course, for...

- You know.
- ♪♪ [Organ Stings]

Hi, Mary.

Hi, Lou. [Mary] Hello.

Here's some mail for you, Mary.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, look. A postcard from Rhoda.

- What's new?
- Nothing much.

She's still waiting
for Joe to come back.

Murray, will we see
you at our party tonight?

Oh, you bet.


Fifty years.

It's hard to believe we've
all been together that long.

[Mary] Hmm-hmm. You know,
I've even grown fond of Ted.


Well, maybe that's because,
as you've grown older,

you have more in
common with him.

Hi, guys.

I said hi, guys.

[All] Hi.

Hey, Lou, Mary. Hmm?

Congratulations on your
golden wedding anniversary.

Thanks, Ted. Yes. Thanks.

How long have you
been married now?

- Fifty years.
- Oh, that's nice.

How about you, Mary?

The same, Ted. Really?

Will we be seeing you and
Georgette at our party tonight?

[Chuckles] I wouldn't
miss it for the world.

[Chuckling] What's the occasion?

- Our anniversary.
- Oh!

How long have you
been married now?

Fifty years, Ted.

That's nice. How about you, Lou?

- The same.
- I don't know
how you do it, Ted.

You're still as senile as
you were 50 years ago.

[Chuckles] Thanks, Murray.

Hey, have you heard?

Lou and Mary are celebrating
their golden wedding anniversary.

No fooling.

How long have they been married?

Who knows?


Mary, I forgot to mention it.

Marie and I may be a little
late tonight at your party.

We are celebrating my
youngest son's birthday.

Oh. How old is he now?


Good old Murr.


It's been a great
50 years, hasn't it?

The best. Mmm.

Except, of course,
for... You know.

♪♪ [Organ Stings]

Come along, dear.

Come along. Huh?

It's time for the news.

Good evening. This is...

This is... This is...

Ted Baxter.

Now the news.

That's terrible...
Those poor people.

Well, that's it for tonight.

This is...

This is...

Genuine cowhide...

saying good night and good news.

♪♪ [News Theme Plays]

He was much better tonight.

Dear, do you think that
we could have a little chat?

Sure. What do you
wanna talk about?

Well, I was hoping that
you and I might discuss...

You know.

That's funny. I didn't
hear it that time.

Hear what?

You know. ♪♪ [Organ Stings]

Listen, Mary. I told you I don't
ever wanna talk about that, ever.

Well, I'll see you at
the party tonight, Mary.

Right, Murray. Good night, Mary.

Good night, Ted. We'll
see you later at the party.

Party? What party?

Our anniversary party.

Are we married?

No. Lou and Mary
are married... 50 years.

[Ted] Oh. They're
having a party!

What's the occasion?
Come on, Ted.

Dearest, we have
got to discuss this.

We cannot put it off any longer.

Oh, Mary.


All right.

Go ahead. Talk.

Well, I don't want
to upset you, dear.

- And... And maybe I am
making too much of this.
- Mm-hmm.

But it is our golden
wedding anniversary,

and I just think
maybe it's time...

we consummated our marriage.

Oh, gee, Mary.


Everything was going so nice and
smooth, and now you have to ruin it.

Well, at the very least, you owe
me an explanation. [Murmurs]

Okay, okay, I'll tell you.

But it's sort of
hard to explain.

You know, when
we were first married,

you were like a daughter to me.

A daughter.

And it just seemed
unthinkable for us...

to be that way.

And then the years followed...

and we were middle-aged,

and you were like my sister.

And that didn't
seem right either.

What's wrong with now?

Are you kidding?

Now you're like my mother.

Like your mother, huh?

[Glasses Clatter On Floor]

Could I see you in
my office for a minute?


I thought you'd never ask.

- Hey, Lou. Hey, Lou.
- Huh? What?

You got a cigar? It's not a real
stag party unless you have a cigar.

No, Ted. I don't
smoke cigars anymore.

Ah, it's just as well.
Makes me dizzy anyway.

Then I start to cough and choke.

Next thing you know,
I'm sick to my stomach.

Then why did you want a cigar?

I thought it'd be fun.

[Knocking] Come in.

Hi. [All] Hi, Mary.

Thought you had a
date tonight. Yeah, I did.

He dropped me off here to pick up my
car. I noticed your cars were still here.

Oh, your date's over?
What time is it? 12:30.

Oh, I'd better get going.

I got to get going too. I
got a tough day tomorrow.

Well, if you do,
I guess I do too.

Well, hey, where you guys running off
to? I thought maybe we'd all have a drink.

Hey, Mary's right, you
guys. Where you running to?

I mean, she came
all the way up here...

and we're going home without
asking her if she wants a drink.

- You want a drink, Mary?
- I would love one.

Help yourself. We
got to go home.

Mary, was he nice tonight,
the guy you went out with?

Oh, well, I don't know,
Murr. It's hard to tell.

You know, it was...
First date and everything.

Mary, if you marry him,
he'll really be a lucky man.

You'll be an
inspiration to him, Mary.

Well, thank you.

Hey, Mary, if you
do get married,

I'll bet it's gonna be one
of the great marriages.

I'll bet it'll last forever.

Well, that's very really nice.


If you really care for him,

be sure to go to bed with
him on your honeymoon.