Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 3, Episode 6 - Rhoda the Beautiful - full transcript

♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

- [Knocking]
- MARY? YOU BUSY, KID?

NO. I'M JUST IN HERE
DOING THE DISHES.



I DON'T KNOW. DO YOU HAVE TO
WASH A POT YOU JUST BOILED WATER IN?

HOW SHOULD I KNOW? I
ONLY USE PAPER POTS.

[Murmurs] I HAVE SOME FRESH
FRUIT IF YOU WANT ANYTHING.

NAH. I'M STILL ON MY DIET.

YOU GOT ANY WAX FRUIT?

I CALLED YOU EARLIER,
AND YOU WERE OUT.

YEAH. MY SUPERTERRIFIC
WEDNESDAY EVENING MEETING...

OF CALORIE CUTTERS...
FATTIES ANONYMOUS.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. IT
WAS TONIGHT, WASN'T IT? YEAH.

DOES MURRAY STILL
GO TO THAT? GO TO IT?

DIDN'T HE TELL YOU?
MURRAY'S OUR GROUP LEADER.

OR AS WE AFFECTIONATELY
CALL HIM... THE GRAND ZAFTIG.

MAR, TONIGHT HE ANNOUNCED THAT
ALL THE CALORIE CUTTERS IN THE CITY...

LOST A COMBINED
WEIGHT OF 9,333 POUNDS.



WOW. THAT'S REALLY A LOT.

YEAH. BEST OCTOBER IN HISTORY.
SO IF YOU GO OUT, BE CAREFUL.

WITH ALL THAT FAT FLOATIN' AROUND
MINNEAPOLIS... IT'S VERY CONTAGIOUS.

YEAH, I'LL WATCH MYSELF.

9,000 POUNDS. YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE
TO DWELL ON IT MYSELF.

IF YOU TOOK ALL THAT FAT
AND SORT OF SHAPED IT AROUND,

YOU COULD MAKE OVER
600 STRANGE LITTLE PEOPLE.

600 MUSHY LITTLE ROUND THINGS.

I MAY NEVER EAT AGAIN.

SO, HOW MANY OF THE
9,000 POUNDS WERE YOURS?

- TWENTY.
- TWENTY?

RHODA, DID YOU?

YEAH. AT THE WEIGH-IN TONIGHT,
I WAS 20 POUNDS LIGHTER...

WITH MY WATCH OFF AND WITH
MRS. CASTELLANY HOLDIN' UP MY HAIR.

BIG DEAL, HUH? RHODA,
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU
SAID YOU WANTED TO LOSE.

YOU'RE THERE, AND, BOY... WILL YOU
TAKE IT EASY, PLEASE? JUST LAY OFF, HUH?

- UH, WHAT DID I SAY?
- [Exhales] I'M SORRY. I REALLY AM, KID.

I'M SO BAD ABOUT THIS.

SEE, ALL MY LIFE I'VE HAD
THIS WEIGHT THING, YOU KNOW?

BUT I ALWAYS FIGURED, IF I
COULD LOSE THOSE 20 POUNDS,

I MIGHT BEGIN TO
LOOK, YOU KNOW, OKAY.

RHODA, YOU DON'T LOOK OKAY.

I DON'T? COME HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
COME OVER HERE.

IF YOU COULD JUST STOP THE
DEFENSIVE STUFF FOR A MINUTE,

YOU MIGHT BEGIN TO REALIZE THAT
YOU ARE NOW A GREAT-LOOKING GIRL.

MARY, PLEASE. OF COURSE,
IN THAT ELEPHANT DRESS...

I WANT YOU TO JUST LOOK
IN THE MIRROR. WHAT...

FORGET YOU'RE RHODA WHO DOES A
LOT OF PUT-DOWNS ABOUT HERSELF...

AND JUST LOOK AT
YOURSELF LIKE A STRANGER.

HI. NEW IN TOWN?
WILL YOU CUT IT OUT?

AND LOOK. LOOK.

MARY, YOU KNOW SOMETHIN'?
IT'S GONNA SOUND SILLY,

BUT I HAD NO IDEA THE WHOLE
LOOK WAS, YOU KNOW, SO RIGHT.

THE FIGURE, THE
HAIR... OH, THAT'S YOU.

OH!

RHODA. ALWAYS?

I JUST WISH YOU COULD BEGIN TO
FEEL GOOD ABOUT THE WEIGHT YOU LOST.

HOW CAN I, KID?

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN
MY LIFE WHEN I CAN'T SAY,

"BOY, IF I COULD
EVER LOSE 20 POUNDS,

JUST THINK HOW
TERRIFIC I'D LOOK."

[Exhales] MAYBE IF I LOSE
ANOTHER 20 POUNDS.

OH. AND HAVE MY LEGS LENGTHENED.

OH.

NO, LISTEN, THAT'S OKAY.
WE'LL DO IT ANOTHER DAY.

RIGHT, BYE.

HEY, MURRAY, YOU FREE FOR LUNCH?

SORRY, MAR. I
BROUGHT MY LUNCH. OH.

SOMEBODY JUST
CANCELED A LUNCH DATE,

SO I GUESS I'LL JUST
HAVE TO EAT LUNCH ALONE.

I HATE TO EAT LUNCH ALONE. HMM?

IT'S HORRIBLE. YOU
FEEL SO SELF-CONSCIOUS.

YOU'RE SITTING THERE
CHEWING YOUR FOOD,

AND YOU DON'T
KNOW WHERE TO LOOK.

HOW LONG CAN YOU PRETEND YOU'RE
INTRIGUED BY CUTTING YOUR FOOD?

[Murmurs]

SO YOU TRY TO ACT LIKE YOU'RE REALLY
INVOLVED IN READING A NEWSPAPER.

AND EVERY TIME YOU
TRY TO TURN THE PAGE,

IT WRINKLES AND IT WON'T TURN.

AND THEN YOU START THINKING THAT
PEOPLE ARE STARING AT THIS POOR FOOL...

WHO NOBODY WOULD
HAVE LUNCH WITH...

AND WHO CAN'T EVEN TURN A NEWSPAPER
PAGE WITHOUT KNOCKING OVER A CUP OF COFFEE.

IT'S HORRIBLE, AND I HATE IT.
WHY DON'T YOU BRING YOUR LUNCH?

I HATE TO BRING MY LUNCH.

I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO
BRING... YOGURT OR AN EGG.

THE COLD CUTS ARE ALWAYS DRY.
HERE ARE THOSE TWO-MINUTE SPOTS.

OH, MR. GRANT. HUH?

BY ANY CHANCE, ARE YOU
FREE FOR LUNCH TODAY? CAN'T.

GOT A DEPARTMENT-HEAD MEETING.
MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME, MARY.

[Door Closes]

WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW
MUCH YOU HATE TO EAT ALONE,

BUT HERE'S A GOOD
CHANCE TO FIND OUT.

TED? WHY NOT?

WHY NOT WHAT, BROWN EYES?

[Clears Throat]

WELL, TED, I WAS, UH... I
WAS JUST WONDERING...

IF YOU'D LIKE TO GO TO LU... NO.

GO TO WHERE? SOUNDS
INTERESTING ALREADY.

NO, NO. IT WASN'T IMPORTANT.

GO TO WHERE?
NOWHERE, TED. REALLY.

GO TO LU. YOU SAID GO TO LU.

LU, LU, LU. LONDON.
GO TO LONDON.

NO. LU. GO TO LU.
LU-LUGGAGE. GO TO LUGGAGE?

NO. LONDON'S BEST SO FAR.

LU, LU. TED.

LU, LU, LU. GO TO LU-UNCH!

[Laughing] GO TO LUNCH.

THAT'S IT, ISN'T IT? WOULD
I LIKE TO GO TO LUNCH?

YOU WANT TO HAVE
LUNCH WITH ME. IS THAT IT?

UH, YEAH, TED. THAT WAS
IT. SORRY, MAR. I'M BUSY.

HIYA. OH, HIYA, RHODA. RHODA!

YOU SAVED MY LIFE. TERRIFIC.

YOU'RE GETTING TO BE
PSYCHIC. LET'S GO TO LUNCH.

I'M HAVING LUNCH WITH
MURRAY. LUNCH WITH MURRAY?

I START MY MAINTENANCE TODAY ON THE
CALORIE CUTTERS THING. IT'S MY FIRST DAY.

MURRAY'S IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS MAINTENANCE,
SO WE FIGURED, EH, MISERY LOVES COMPANY.

YEAH. BUT LOOK AT HER.
DOESN'T SHE LOOK FANTASTIC?

SHE DOES, AND I HOPE
YOU ARE TAKING NOTES.

[Rhoda] MARY, COME ON.
WHAT'D YA SAY, RHODA?

HIYA, LOU. HEY.

YOU LOOK DIFFERENT.
YOU KNOW? REALLY GOOD.

I LIKE IT. WELL.

YEAH. I LIKE IT BACK HERE TOO.

I HAVE A FEELING HE'S
GONNA KICK MY TIRES.

HOW'D YOU DO IT? I
JUST LOST SOME WEIGHT.

THAT'S ALL. ON CALORIE CUTTERS.

OH, THAT THING
MURRAY'S ON. RIGHT.

YEAH. WELL, IT REALLY
LOOKS TERRIFIC. THANKS.

- MAYBE SOMEDAY
I'LL DO IT TOO.
- YEAH.

IF I EVER FEEL THAT I'M
OVERWEIGHT. OH. RIGHT.

THANKS A LOT, MURRAY.
WHAT'D YOU BRING, RHODA?

WELL, I GOT MY TWO OUNCES OF
HARD-BOILED EGG WHITE HERE...

AND MY FOUR OUNCES OF LOW-FAT,
SMALL-CURD FARMER'S CHEESE.

LISTEN, UH, I KNOW YOU GUYS
ARE ON MAINTENANCE AND ALL,

BUT IF I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND GOT SOME
FOOD AND BROUGHT IT BACK FOR MYSELF...

SURE, MARY. [Rhoda]
ARE YOU KIDDING?

BRING IT RIGHT UP HERE. HAVE
YOUR LUNCH RIGHT HERE. GREAT.

RHODA, LOOK. I GOT THIS TERRIFIC
NEW BOOK ON CHOLESTEROL.

IT SHOWS YOU HOW FAT
GLOBULES ARE BROKEN DOWN.

[Rhoda] SO THAT'S WHAT A
FAT GLOBULE LOOKS LIKE.

LISTEN, UM, GUYS, I THINK
I'LL JUST HAVE LUNCH ALONE.

- [Rhoda, Knocking] MARY. YOU UP?
- YEAH.

I SAW A LIGHT IN
PHYLLIS'S APARTMENT.

EITHER SHE'S BACK FROM EUROPE,
OR HER BURGLAR'S AFRAID OF THE DARK.

MM, NO, SHE GOT BACK LAST NIGHT.

WELL, CONGRATULATE ME, KID. I JUST
COMPLETED MY FIRST DAY OF... MAINTENANCE.

- OH, RHODA, I'M... I'M SORRY.
- NO. NO, NOW YOU SIT THERE
AND YOU FINISH THAT.

YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO LIVE TOO.

MAR, WHAT DOES
CHOCOLATE TASTE LIKE?

TASTE LIKE. REALLY?

YEAH, YEAH. I CAN'T REMEMBER.

PLEASE, JUST TELL ME, AND
DON'T HOLD ANYTHING BACK.

WELL, IT, UM... IT TASTES, UM...

- DARK.
- [Moans]

SORRY. YEAH, DARK. I GOT THAT.

UH, AND, UH, "TEXTUREY"...

AND RICHLY SMOOTH, RIGHT?

IN A WAY, MM-HMM.

WHAT ABOUT ALMONDS? DOES
IT HAVE ALMONDS IN THERE?

HUH? A FEW.

MAR, ARE YOU EATING
AN ALMOND RIGHT NOW?

YEAH, I THOUGHT I
HEARD AN ALMOND.

BOY, THIS IS THE BEST
CANDY BAR I EVER WATCHED.

AH. TRULY DELICIOUS.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M IN THE
MOOD FOR? BUTTER-PECAN ICE CREAM.

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE SOME
BUTTER-PECAN ICE CREAM?

AW, GEE, I DON'T THINK SO.
THANKS ANYWAY THOUGH.

MAYBE LATER? YEAH, WE'LL SEE.

- YOO-HOO! MARY! HI-HI.
- HI.

PHYLLIS, WELCOME
HOME. HOW ARE YA?

RHODA! WHAT?

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

YOU'VE LOST SO MUCH...
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

BUT YOU MUST HAVE LOST...
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

ALL I CAN SAY IS YOU
REALLY DROPPED A TON.

PHYLLIS. [Laughing] NO!

NO. SHE'S RIGHT.
IT'S EXACTLY TRUE.

I DID DROP A TON. WHY
SHOULDN'T SHE SAY IT?

WELL, THERE ARE WAYS OF
SAYING THINGS. NO, MARY, NO.

PHYLLIS, YOU'RE A BREATH OF FRESH
AIR, OUR OWN LITTLE VOICE OF TRUTH.

- RHODA.
- AND THAT'S WHY
I'VE BEEN SAVING MY NEWS,

TO TELL THE TWO OF
YOU... YOU AND PHYLLIS.

- OKAY, LISTEN TO WHAT HAPPENED.
- I'M SO GLAD YOU SAID THAT
ABOUT TRUTH, RHODA.

I ALWAYS TRY TO
BE TRUTHFUL. WAIT.

'CAUSE HERE IT GOES. "MY
NEWS" BY RHODA MORGENSTERN.

ISN'T THAT CUTE?

I WORK AT HEMPEL'S
DEPARTMENT STORE, RIGHT?

AND DOWN AT HEMPEL'S DEPARTMENT STORE,
THEY HAVE HUNDREDS OF EMPLOYEES, RIGHT?

WELL, THEY HAD TO CHOOSE 10 GIRLS TO BE
CONTESTANTS FOR THEIR BEAUTY CONTEST,

AND GUESS WHO THOSE
GENIUSES PICKED AS A SEMIFINALIST.

- JUST GUESS.
- RHODA, HOW WONDERFUL!

NO, NO, MARY. I WANNA
HEAR WHAT PHYLLIS SAYS.

YEAH, PHYLLIS, THAT'S TRUE.

I, RHODA MORGENSTERN,
AM IN A BEAUTY CONTEST.

- WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?
- CONGRATULATIONS.

CONGRATULATIONS?
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?

- I SHOULDN'T BE
IN THAT CONTEST.
- WHY NOT? YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.

THANKS A LOT, PHYLLIS! I CAN GET
THAT KIND OF STUFF FROM MARY.

AND SO WE ALL WISH YOU
A HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TED.

OH, SAY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

THIS IS REALLY NICE.

YOU GUYS SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT.

JUST THIS ONE?

YEAH. WE ALL CHIPPED IN FOR IT.

OH! CUFF LINKS.
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.

LOOK HOW THEY MATCH.

THE PRICE TAG. THE PRICE
TAG. OH, I-I'LL GET THAT.

GEE, THIS IS...
THIS IS REALLY...

MODERATELY NICE OF YOU GUYS.

THANKS. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TED.

THANKS. THANKS, MAR. OH, YEAH.

THANKS, MURRAY.

THANKS, LOU.

HIYA, MURRAY. HEY.
HI, SKINNY. [Chuckling]

HI, BROWN EYES. WHAT?

UH, HAZEL EYES. [Laughing]

HI. SAY, YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.

OH, DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, RHODA.
YOU REALLY LOOK TERRIFIC.

[Laughing] UH, HOW
ABOUT A LITTLE LUNCH?

OH, I DON'T THINK I CAN.

UH, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. OH.

CONGRATULATIONS, TED. I'D REALLY
LIKE TO, BUT I'M ON MAINTENANCE.

OH. WELL, JUST AS SOON
AS YOU FINISH CLEANING UP,

I'LL BE IN MY DRESSING ROOM.

[Laughing] WHAT...
- HI.
- OH, MAR. HI.

LATEST BULLETIN. THEY'VE NARROWED
DOWN THE NUMBER OF GIRLS TODAY TO FIVE...

THAT THING AT THE STORE...
AND, YEAH, I'M, UH... OH, RHODA.

HOW GREAT! WHAT,
WHAT? WHAT'S GREAT?

I GUESS WE'RE
CONFUSING MURRAY HERE.

WHERE I WORK, DOWN AT HEMPEL'S DEPARTMENT
STORE, THEY'RE HAVING A BEAUTY CONTEST.

IT'S TOO STUPID TO EVEN TALK ABOUT,
BUT I DON'T WANNA CONFUSE YOU,

SO, SEE, I'M NOMINATED.

RHODA, YOU'RE A BEAUTY
CONTESTANT. HEY, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

NAH. THEY JUST NEEDED SOMEONE TO
MAKE THE OTHER CONTESTANTS LOOK GOOD.

STAND NEXT TO MORGENSTERN,
KID. YOU'LL LOOK GREAT.

THE FABULOUS MS. HEMPEL CONTEST.

MS. HEMPEL? LIKE M-S MS.?

OH, YEAH, YEAH.
WHEN WE FIRST HEARD,

A LOT OF US OBJECTED TO THE FACT THAT
THEY WERE EVEN HAVING A BEAUTY CONTEST...

YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE THING THAT IT'S
THE WRONG WAY TO THINK ABOUT A WOMAN.

SO THE STORE FIGURED IF
THEY CALL IT MS. HEMPEL,

IT EVENS THINGS OUT.

OH, FRINGE BENEFIT, MAR.

THE STORE PHOTOGRAPHER
TOOK MY PICTURE.

YEAH. FREEBIE FOR THE
CONTEST. YEAH? LET'S SEE.

HERE. UH, GUESS WHO.

OH, RHODA, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
HEY, THAT'S SENSATIONAL.

HEY, WAIT TILL I TELL 'EM AT CALORIE
CUTTERS TONIGHT OVER COFFEE AND CELERY.

YEAH, WELL, THEY GOT
A GREAT RETOUCHER.

RHODA, IT IS NOT THE RETOUCHER.

SURE, IT IS. THE
GUY'S A FANATIC.

I HAD TO STOP HIM BEFORE
HE TOOK MY NOSE OUT.

LISTEN, I KEPT SAYING, "NO, THE
MOUTH IS NOT JUST A LARGE WRINKLE.

SO IF YOU CAN PLEASE
KEEP IT IN THE PICTURE"...

- OH, RHODA, WILL YOU STOP IT?
- STOP WHAT?

WHAT?

YOU HAVEN'T ALLOWED YOURSELF ONE
MINUTE'S PLEASURE OUT OF THIS WHOLE THING.

THE WAY YOU MAKE FUN OF YOUR APPEARANCE,
THE WAY YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF. IT'S...

IT'S NOT SO EASY TO SAY NICE
THINGS WHEN YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF.

YOU TRY IT, MARY. GO ON.

YOU TRY DESCRIBING YOURSELF.
ME? THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

GO ON. DESCRIBE YOURSELF.

ALL RIGHT. ME. YEAH.

I'M... YOU KNOW, OKAY.

SEE? YOU DO THE SAME THING
YOURSELF. IT'S NOT THE SAME THING.

IT IS. NO, IT ISN'T. I MAY NOT SAY
TERRIFIC THINGS ABOUT MYSELF,

BUT, RHODA, I DON'T
SAY THAT I'M NOTHING.

SURE, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT SOMEONE BEATIN' YOU TO IT.

WHY YOU WAITED UNTIL AN HOUR BEFORE
THE CONTEST TO DECIDE WHAT TO WEAR...

I DON'T KNOW. I JUST
KEPT PUTTIN' IT OFF.

GEE. I WISH SOME OF MY
OLD DRESSES STILL FIT.

NO, HUH? HOW'D YOU GUESS?

YEAH. RHODA, THIS, UH, CONTEST,

IS IT ONLY FOR PEOPLE
WHO WORK IN THE STORE?

OR ARE PEOPLE WHO SHOP THERE
ELIGIBLE TOO? I MEAN, I SHOP THERE.

NO, IT'S ONLY FOR PEOPLE
WHO WORK THERE, PHYLLIS.

NOT THAT I'M SUGGESTING
PARTICULARLY THAT I...

YOU WANNA GO THROUGH MY STUFF AGAIN?
MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING HERE WE OVERLOOKED.

MARY, YOU WEIGH THREE POUNDS.
NONE OF YOUR STUFF WILL FIT.

[Clicks Tongue, Sighs] I MEAN, ME, A
MARRIED MOTHER, IN A BEAUTY CONTEST.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? AREN'T
YOU STILL ON MAINTENANCE?

MM-MMM. IT'S OKAY.
I GOT THIS SYSTEM.

IF I EAT A COOKIE, THEN I SKIP A
NIGHT'S MEAT AND VEGETABLE.

I ALWAYS KEEP TRACK. THIS ONE
PUTS ME AT A WEEK FROM THURSDAY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY MINE.

THESE COULD FIT YOU. I BOUGHT
THEM WHEN I WAS PREGNANT.

PHYLLIS. WHAT?

JUST SLIGHTLY PREGNANT.

THERE ARE SOME BEAUTIFUL
THINGS HERE. [Clicks Tongue]

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'VE
COLLECTED OVER THE...

OH! I MISS YOU.

OH, MARY, REMEMBER THIS?

UH, YEAH.

I USED TO ABSOLUTELY
LIVE IN THIS.

BUT NOW, WELL, AS
AN INFORMED CITIZEN,

I FEEL THAT ECOLOGY IS
MORE IMPORTANT THAN VANITY.

I GUESS I JUST NEVER REALIZED...

THAT THE ORLON IS AN
ENDANGERED SPECIES.

MARY, THE FACT THAT THIS ISN'T
ACTUALLY FUR ISN'T THE POINT.

THE POINT IS THAT, IF I WORE IT,

PEOPLE WOULD FOLLOW THE EXAMPLE
OF WHAT THEY THOUGHT IT WAS.

I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN. THEN EVERYBODY
WOULD WALK AROUND WEARING, UH,

MATTED-DOWN, CHEAP SYNTHETIC.

MARY, SOME OF THE THINGS
YOU HAVE HERE ARE GREAT.

HEY, HOW ABOUT THIS?

LOOK AT THIS. NO, NO. I
ALREADY TRIED THAT ONE ON.

NO, NO, NOT FOR YOU. FOR ME.

LARS AND I ARE GOING TO A
DINNER PARTY FRIDAY NIGHT.

HEY, MARY? COULD I
BORROW... SURE, GO AHEAD.

OH, THANK YOU.

- [Laughing]
- WHAT?

OH, REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE KIDS
AND USED TO SIT IN FRONT OF THE TV SET...

AND WATCH THE BEAUTY CONTESTS?

- IT WAS ALWAYS SO EXCITING.
- YEAH, IT WAS.

AND THE WINNER ALWAYS SEEMED TO
HAVE ONE OF THOSE TWO-PART NAMES.

- MARY JO, MARY LOU,
MARY BETH, MARY ANN.
- [Laughing] YES! YES!

OH. [Clearing
Throat] TELL US, UH,

MISS MARY JO BETH ANN LOU,

WHAT ARE SOME OF
YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES?

[Demure Voice] MY FAVORITE
HOBBIES ARE CHEERLEADING,

LIKING PEOPLE AND
LIVING IN AMERICA.

AND, UH, WHAT... IS
YOUR GOAL... IN LIFE?

AFTER I GRADUATE
FROM HIGH SCHOOL,

I WOULD LIKE TO BECOME
A BRAIN SURGEON...

OR A MODEL.

- WONDERFUL.
- IS THERE GOING TO BE
A TALENT PORTION?

YEAH, PHYL. I THOUGHT I'D YODEL.

I WAS IN A CONTEST ONCE. I
WON THE TALENT PORTION.

I CAN STILL REMEMBER WHAT I DID.

[Chuckling]

I CAN. REALLY.

MARY.

WHAT, UH, DID YOU DO, PHYLLIS?

♪ TEN CENTS A DANCE ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT THEY PAY ME ♪

♪ GOSH ♪

♪ HOW THEY WEIGH ME DOWN ♪

♪ TEN CENTS A DANCE ♪

♪ SOFTIES AND ROUGH GUYS ♪

♪ TOUGH GUYS WHO TEAR MY GOWN ♪

♪ ALL THAT I NEED IS A TICKET ♪

♪ SEVEN TO MIDNIGHT
I HEAR DRUMS ♪

♪ LOUDLY THE SAXOPHONE BLOWS ♪

♪ TRUMPETS ARE
TEARING MY EARDRUMS ♪

♪ CUSTOMERS CRUSH MY TOES ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I THINK ♪
[Foot Thumping]

♪ I FOUND MY HERO ♪

♪ BUT IT'S A QUEER ROMANCE ♪

HA HA HA!

♪ ALL THAT YOU
NEED IS A TICKET ♪

♪ COME ON, BIG BOY ♪

♪ TEN CENTS A DANCE ♪♪

I WON A BIG BOX OF
CHOCOLATES FOR THAT.

THESE ARE GREAT, THESE SHOES.

YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY'D LOOK WONDERFUL
WITH THIS DRESS. SURE, GO AHEAD. TAKE 'EM.

YOU THINK I COULD
DYE THEM? NO, PHYLLIS.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. I DON'T
WANT TO ANYWAY.

GIRLS, LISTEN. I'M STARTIN'
TO GO SLIGHTLY CRAZY.

SO, I THINK I'M JUST GONNA ASK YOU
GUYS TO GET OUT SO I CAN GET READY.

- I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST THAT I'M...
- NO, IT'S OKAY.

I JUST FEEL VERY...
PHYLLIS, PLEASE!

I'M JUST GETTING MY COAT. OH.

I MISS IT. [Chuckles]

- WELL, RHODA, GOOD LUCK.
- YEAH. THANKS, PHYL.

AND DON'T SPILL
ANYTHING ON YOURSELF.

- GOOD LUCK.
- AW, MARY.

THANKS, KID.

AND THIS IS LARS AND
ME AT THE MATTERHORN.

OH. HOW BREATHTAKINGLY
BEAUTIFUL.

YES. I'D JUST HAD MY HAIR DONE.

[Rhoda, Knocking] MARY.

RHODA! RHODA! ARE YOU STILL UP?

WAIT. YES.

HOW'D YOU DO? YOU LOOK
WONDERFUL! LOOK AT THAT GOWN.

OH, RHODA. EVERYBODY
JUST CALM DOWN, HUH?

EVERYTHING WENT
FINE, JUST AS IT SHOULD.

I DIDN'T WIN, BUT I DIDN'T
LOSE. I CAME IN THIRD.

OH. [Sighs] JUST RIGHT
THERE IN THE MIDDLE.

NO, MARY, REALLY,
IT'S FINE. HONEST.

RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE IS
JUST... IS JUST RIGHT. HONESTLY.

PLEASE, YOU GOTTA
BELIEVE ME, YOU TWO.

EVERYTHING IS JUST OKAY. SO
LET'S NOT MAKE A THING, HUH? REALLY.

RHODA, I THINK THIRD...

IS REALLY QUITE RESPECTABLE.

[Laughing] THANK YOU, PHYLLIS.

MARY AND I WERE JUST
LOOKING AT SOME OF MY SLIDES.

DO YOU WANNA SEE SOME? PHYL,
WHY DON'T WE DO THAT A LITTLE LATER?

OH. LISTEN, ALL I CAN SAY
IS YOU LOOK SENSATIONAL.

SMASHING. TERRIFIC. [Laughing]

THAT DRESS... WHERE DID YOU
GET THAT FABULOUS DRESS?

DID I LEND YOU THAT?

NO, PHYLLIS. NO, I
BOUGHT IT BEFORE.

I JUST WASN'T SURE IF I'D HAVE
NERVE ENOUGH TO WEAR IT.

WELL, IT'S JUST BREATHTAKING.

IT'S THOSE SWISS HAIRDRESSERS.

PHYL!

WELL, IT'S GETTING LATE. I'LL
SEE YOU GUYS TOMORROW.

I'LL LEAVE MY VACATION SLIDES
THERE. YOU CAN LOOK AT 'EM LATER.

PICK OUT THE ONES YOU LIKE.
I'LL HAVE COPIES MADE FOR YOU.

[Laughing]

WELL, WOULD YOU LIKE
SOME COFFEE? [Sighs] WELL.

NO. I THINK IT'D JUST KEEP
ME UP, AND I'M EXHAUSTED.

REALLY. SO I JUST THINK I'LL GO.

YOU SURE YOU DON'T
WANNA STAY AND TALK?

OH, THAT'S SWEET, MAR,
BUT I'M REALLY... I AM SO TIRED.

WILL THERE BE ANYTHING IN THE
NEWSPAPERS ABOUT THE CONTEST?

OH, NO. IT'S JUST A
LITTLE STORE THING, SO...

WELL. WELL.

I AM TIRED. HUH.

SO, UH, I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

OKAY.

[Exhales] OKAY.

I WASN'T GONNA
TELL ANYBODY THIS,

BUT NOW I'VE
DECIDED, UH, I WANT TO.

I DID NOT COME IN THIRD. I WON.

YOU... YOU WON?

OH, RHODA! YEAH. I
DIDN'T TELL YA, MAR.

I LIED TO YOU
BECAUSE... I DON'T KNOW.

I WAS AFRAID EVERYBODY WOULD
MAKE JOKES AND THINGS. JOKES?

WELL, YOU KNOW. YOU COME
IN HERE AND TELL ME ABOUT IT.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S
JUST... IT WAS NOTHING.

I MEAN, IT WAS NOTHING SPECIAL.

IT WAS A BIG AUDITORIUM,
FILLED WITH PEOPLE, AND...

MM-HMM.

I SORT OF HEARD MY
NAME CALLED, AND, UH,

THEY WERE ALL
APPLAUDING... FOR ME.

MARY. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

OH, RHODA. THAT'S SO GREAT. ME.

AND YOU DESERVED IT.

WELL, THEY GAVE IT TO
ME, AND I, UH, TOOK IT.

SO I GUESS I REALLY WON IT.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

I WON!

AFTER 32 YEARS, ME!

MARY JO BETH LOU
ANN MORGENSTERN!

MMM! TERRIFIC BROWNIES, MARY.

RHODA, WHY ARE YOU
EATING BROWNIES?

OH, IT'S OKAY. I CAN EAT NOW.

SEE, I WON A MIDDLEWEIGHT
BEAUTY CONTEST.

NOW I'M GOIN' AFTER
THE HEAVYWEIGHT.

MM! I ALMOST FORGOT.

SPECIAL ADDED ATTRACTION.
I LEFT IT OUT IN THE HALL.

WHAT? YOU STAY RIGHT
WHERE YOU ARE, MAR.

I WANT YOU TO GET
THE FULL IMPACT OF THIS.

NOW, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN HOW THEY
DO THINGS AT HEMPEL'S DEPARTMENT STORE,

THERE'S A RIGHT WAY
AND A WRONG WAY.

YEAH? VOILÀ! THE WRONG WAY.

RHODA, THAT IS... INCREDIBLE.

IT'S YOUR CLASS
WITH A CAPITAL "K."

I HAVE TO RETURN THIS
STUFF IN THE MORNING,

THIS TO THE JUNK JEWELRY DEPARTMENT
AND I GUESS TO THE JUNK CAPE DEPARTMENT.

[Laughing] [Phyllis] MARY!

[Mary Sighs] WOW.

BOY, THEY SURE MAKE A
BIG FUSS OVER THIRD PLACE.

I WON, COOKIE.

[Mews]