Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 3, Episode 7 - Just Around the Corner - full transcript
Instead of hearing the news directly from her parents, Mary learns by reading the newspaper that her father, Walter Richards, a renowned surgeon, has retired. In actually speaking to her mother, Dottie Richards, on the phone to get more news about the retirement, Mary further learns that her parents have decided to move from their small hometown of Roseburg to Minneapolis. Mary is initially excited by the news, but after Walter and Dottie spend a week in Minneapolis, Mary thinks that her parents moving so close to her is too much of a good thing. That is why Mary is dismayed to learn that the apartment they've rented in just around the corner from hers. With them constantly telephoning and coming over, Mary feels like they're treating her like a child. The last straw for Mary is the telephone calls checking up on her - she assumes from her mother - then hanging up without saying a word. After Mary finds out exactly what's going on in her parents' minds, they have to come to an understanding if they are going to live harmoniously in the same city.
♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪
♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪
♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪
♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪
♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪
♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪
♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪
♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪
HEY, MURRAY, LISTEN TO THIS.
"ROY L. SCUTCH OF WINNEBAGO
GOT A SURPRISE YESTERDAY...
WHEN HE HARVESTED HIS CROP
AND FOUND AN 11-POUND TURNIP."
WELL, WHAT'S SO
AMAZING ABOUT THAT?
WE HAVE A 165-POUND VEGETABLE
DOING THE NEWS EVERY NIGHT.
YOU KNOW, MURRAY, IT SEEMS TO ME
THERE ARE A LOT OF STORIES LIKE THIS...
THAT WE DON'T THINK
ARE SO IMPORTANT,
BUT OTHER PEOPLE JUST
MIGHT FIND INTERESTING.
THE ONLY WAY WE'D
DO THAT STORY, MARY,
IF ROY SCUTCH WERE KILLED
BY AN 11-POUND TURNIP.
OH, MURRAY.
HERE ARE SOME CHANGES.
WHAT ARE YOU CUTTING OUT?
OH, NOTHING. IT'S... NOTHING?
[Clears Throat]
WELL, IT'S JUST, UH,
AN IDEA FOR SOMETHING I
THOUGHT WE MIGHT DO ON THE SHOW.
- OKAY, LET'S HEAR IT.
- WELL, UH, IT'S GONNA BE
A SURPRISE.
SURPRISE ME.
UH... [Ringing]
SURPRISE. NEWSROOM.
JUST A MOMENT, PLEASE. IT'S
FOR YOU, MR. GRANT. NEW YORK.
- COME ON, COME ON. WHAT'S YOUR IDEA?
- I'LL TELL YOU LATER.
OH, ALL RIGHT, BUT DON'T FORGET,
'CAUSE I STILL WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT.
I GOT IT. YOU'RE GONNA SUGGEST
TED INTERVIEW THE TURNIP.
IT JUST SEEMS TO
ME WE SHOULD DO...
FUNNY LITTLE HUMAN STORIES
LIKE THIS EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
I MEAN, IF THE
NEWSPAPERS CAN DO IT...
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
TALKING ABOUT? NEWSPAPERS.
OH. I DON'T CARE MUCH
FOR THEM MYSELF.
OH, HE'S VERY BLASÉ NOW,
BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
HIM RUN IN AND GRAB THE PAPER...
WHEN HE HEARD NANCY
AND SLUGGO BROKE UP.
ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS,
KID AROUND, BUT I'VE GOT
VERY GOOD REASONS FOR
NOT LIKING THE NEWSPAPERS.
- OH? WHAT ARE THEY?
- ONE, THEY'RE COMPETITION,
AND TWO, I ALWAYS
GET THAT BLACK STUFF...
ALL OVER MY HANDS
AFTER I READ THEM.
WHEN PEOPLE WATCH MY SHOW,
THEY DON'T HAVE TO WASH THEIR HANDS.
OH, TERRIFIC, TED. WE
CAN ADVERTISE THE SIX
O'CLOCK NEWS DOESN'T
GET YOUR HANDS DIRTY.
"DOESN'T GET YOUR HANDS DIRTY."
HEY, THAT'S A GOOD ONE,
MAR. DID YOU HEAR THAT, MURR?
OH, COME ON, TED. IT
WASN'T THAT FUNNY.
HEY, DID YOU GUYS JUST
HEAR WHAT MARY SAID? TED.
I'M GONNA TELL THIS
TO LOU. [Laughing]
WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM A GUY
WHOSE FAVORITE MARX BROTHER IS ZEPPO?
MURRAY.
"DR. WALTER REED RICHARDS WAS
HONORED WITH A DINNER LAST NIGHT...
"BY THE ROSEBERG
MEDICAL ASSOCIATION.
"DR. RICHARDS ANNOUNCED
HIS RETIREMENT...
AFTER 21 YEARS AS CHIEF OF SURGERY
FOR THE ROSEBERG COUNTY HOSPITAL."
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
MURRAY, THIS IS MY FATHER.
- MARY, YOU'RE KIDDING.
- I GOTTA CALL HOME.
WHY DIDN'T THEY
TELL ME ANYTHING?
MAYBE THEY PROMISED
THE NEWSPAPER A SCOOP.
I TALKED TO MY MOTHER THREE TIMES
LAST WEEK. WOULDN'T YOU THINK...
HELLO, MOM. IT'S MARY.
LISTEN, MOTHER, HOW COME YOU
DIDN'T TELL ME THAT DADDY WAS RETIRING?
HE DIDN'T TELL YOU?
WELL, YEAH, I GUESS THAT'S DAD.
WELL, UH, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING NOW THAT YOU'VE
GOT RETIREMENT TO LOOK FORWARD TO?
UH-HUH. UH-HUH.
AND WHAT ABOUT LATER TODAY?
MOM, I MEAN, WHAT
ARE YOUR PLANS?
OH, YOU ARE?
UH, YEAH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
WHEN? OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, MOM. CALL ME
LATER THEN. RIGHT. BYE-BYE.
HUH. WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO?
THEY'RE MOVING. HERE.
MARY, DON McDONALD IS JOINING ME FOR LUNCH
TOMORROW, SO MAKE SURE I HAVE ENOUGH ICE.
THERE YOU ARE, LOU. LOU. YOU
WANNA HAVE A GOOD BELLY LAUGH?
MARY AND I WERE
TALKING, AND I SAID,
"WHEN PEOPLE WATCH MY SHOW
THEY DON'T HAVE TO WASH THEIR HANDS."
- AND THEN MARY SAID...
- WELL, MR. GRANT, IT REALLY WASN'T FUNNY.
OH, COME ON, DON'T
LOUSE IT UP, MARY.
I SAID, "WHEN PEOPLE WATCH MY SHOW,
THEY DON'T HAVE TO WASH THEIR HANDS."
AND THEN MARY SAID...
WE CAN ADVERTISE THAT THE SIX O'CLOCK
NEWS DOESN'T GET YOUR HANDS DIRTY.
IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID?
YEAH. THAT ISN'T FUNNY.
[Knocking]
HIYA. OH. HI.
HEY, WHEN YOU DECIDE TO
COME DOWN OFF YOUR BARSTOOL,
YOU WANNA GO OUT
AND GRAB A SANDWICH?
OH, GEE, I'D LOVE TO, BUT I
CAN'T. MY PARENTS ARE COMING.
OH, WONDERFUL. HOW
LONG ARE THEY GONNA STAY?
WELL, THEY'RE MOVING HERE.
- CAN I HAVE
MY "WONDERFUL" BACK?
- RHODA.
MARY, DO YOURSELF A FAVOR. TELL 'EM TO
STAY WHERE THEY ARE, OR GO SOMEPLACE ELSE.
ANYTHING BUT COME HERE.
RHODA, I COULD NEVER DO THAT.
WELL, THEN I'LL DO
IT. DON'T WORRY.
I'LL MAKE THE CALL ANONYMOUS
AND IN VERY GOOD TASTE.
IT'S TOO LATE. THEY'VE ALREADY
LEFT. THEY'LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
MARY, YOU HAVE GOT TO SEND THEM
BACK THE MINUTE THEY GET HERE.
LISTEN TO THE
VOICE OF EXPERIENCE.
WHEN I LIVED IN NEW YORK, MY PARENTS
KEPT FOLLOWING ME ALL OVER THE BRONX.
I'D MOVE, THEY'D MOVE.
ONCE I TOLD THEM I WAS
MOVING, THEY MOVED AND I DIDN'T.
I THOUGHT I'D FINALLY LOST THEM,
BUT NO, THEY PICKED UP MY TRAIL.
SO WHAT COULD I DO?
YOU MOVED TO MINNEAPOLIS.
I MOVED TO MINNEAPOLIS.
RHODA, IT DOESN'T
HAVE TO BE THAT WAY.
MY PARENTS AND I HAVE ALWAYS GOTTEN
ALONG JUST GREAT. MY MOTHER IS TERRIFIC.
UH-HUH. NO, REALLY.
MY DATES USED TO LIKE HER
AS MUCH AS THEY LIKED ME.
OH, THAT'S SWELL. THERE ISN'T
ENOUGH COMPETITION RUNNING AROUND.
- [Mouthing Words]
- TELL ME, MAR, THESE
PERFECT PARENTS OF YOURS...
DO THEY EVER BRING UP THE
SUBJECT OF WHY YOU AREN'T MARRIED?
WELL, UH, NOT DIRECTLY. YEAH.
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE MY
FATHER USED TO MENTION...
THAT HE WAS THE ONLY
DEPARTMENT HEAD IN THE HOSPITAL...
WHO DIDN'T HAVE ANY
GRANDCHILDREN... HEH, HEH, HEH.
WAS THAT HIS "HEH,
HEH, HEH," OR YOURS?
OH, NO. THAT WAS HIS. JUST TO LET ME
KNOW HE WAS KIDDING, HEH, HEH, HEH.
GOT IT. HEY, RHODA, YOU
REMEMBER THAT PARTY I GAVE...
AND YOUR DATE MADE THOSE
DUMB PAPER AIRPLANES?
YEAH. LITTLE SOUVENIR.
HEY, YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T SEEN
HIM SINCE THAT EVENING EITHER.
SEE IF HE'S UP THERE, HUH? BOY.
NO WONDER I HAVEN'T SEEN
HIM. HERE'S MY PHONE NUMBER.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK? HOW DOES
THE APARTMENT LOOK? CLEAN ENOUGH?
- CLEAN ENOUGH FOR WHAT?
- FOR MY FATHER.
YOU SEE? DO YOU SEE
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
THEY AREN'T EVEN HERE YET, AND YOU ARE
CLEANING AN ALREADY CLEAN APARTMENT.
RHODA, IT'S JUST THAT MY
FATHER'S NEVER BEEN HERE,
AND I WANT THE
PLACE TO LOOK CLEAN.
SO, HOW TALL IS
YOUR FATHER ANYWAY?
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE IT'S
'CAUSE DADDY'S IN SURGERY,
BUT HE'S ALWAYS BEEN
VERY PARTICULAR...
ABOUT EVERYTHING HE COMES IN
CONTACT WITH BEING GERM-FREE.
- OH.
- WHERE YOU GOING?
I GOTTA BOIL MY SWEATSHIRT.
[Knocking]
HI. NOW HUG YOUR FATHER FIRST,
'CAUSE I'M GONNA
TAKE TIME WITH YOU.
HIYA, DAD. HOW ARE YOU, BONES?
OH, MOM. OH, HONEY.
IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HERE.
OH, WOW.
DOESN'T YOUR FATHER LOOK GREAT?
YOU'D NEVER GUESS THAT HE'S 16
YEARS OLDER THAN I AM, NOW WOULD YOU?
THAT'S A NEW RECORD
FOR WORKING IT IN FAST.
OH, HONEY, IT'S SO
TERRIFIC TO BE HERE.
REMEMBER THE
LAST TIME I WAS HERE,
AND WE WENT SHOPPING TOGETHER
AND PEOPLE MISTOOK US FOR SISTERS?
YEAH. I ALWAYS LOVED THAT.
HEY, NOW WALT... WALT,
ISN'T THIS A DARLING PLACE?
YEAH. WHAT ARE YOU
PAYING, MARY, ABOUT 100?
- UH, YEAH, ABOUT 100.
- AND?
THIRTY? FIVE.
IN ROSEBERG, YOU CAN GET
A WHOLE HOUSE FOR THAT.
- NO, YOU CAN'T.
- THAT'S WHAT OUR
HOUSE PAYMENT WAS.
NO, 135 WASN'T OUR HOUSE
PAYMENT. THAT WAS OUR PHONE BILL.
MARY, THIS PLACE... DOES IT
HAVE A JOHN, OR IS IT IN THE HALL?
YES, DAD, IT HAS A
JOHN. IT'S RIGHT IN HERE.
'CAUSE I WANNA WASH MY HANDS.
DAD, I'M A BIG GIRL NOW. YOU
DON'T HAVE TO SAY THAT ANYMORE.
OH, YES I DO. I GOT 'EM FILTHY ON
THAT BANNISTER OUT THERE. OH.
WELL, YOU KNOW, HONEY,
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO START
LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT SOON,
AND I WANT A PLACE
JUST LIKE THIS...
ONLY BIGGER AND NEWER.
WELL, I'LL TAKE YOU
AROUND ON SUNDAY.
IT'LL BE FUN TO SEE ALL THE
APARTMENTS I COULDN'T AFFORD.
HOW DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
GONNA LIKE LIVING IN MINNEAPOLIS?
- IT'S GONNA BE PRETTY
DIFFERENT FROM ROSEBERG.
- RIGHT.
MARY, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT MOVING
HERE WASN'T MY IDEA, IT WAS YOUR FATHER'S.
OH. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
MOM, NOW THAT DAD'S RETIRED?
WELL, I KIND OF THOUGHT I'D GO
BACK AND FINISH NURSING SCHOOL.
OH, MOTHER, YOU'VE BEEN
SAYING THAT FOR YEARS. WELL.
THAT'S YOUR MOTHER'S WAY
OF REMINDING EVERYONE...
JUST HOW YOUNG SHE
WAS WHEN WE GOT MARRIED.
YOU KNOW, DAD, I WAS REALLY SURPRISED
YOU DECIDED TO MOVE TO MINNEAPOLIS.
MARY, IT WASN'T MY IDEA.
OH, BUT MOTHER SAID...
OH, THIS IS GOOD CHEESE, MARY.
WHAT KIND IS IT? IT'S SO DIFFERENT.
IT'S CALLED AMERICAN.
OH. WALT, WOULD YOU LIKE
SOME AMERICAN CHEESE?
UH, NO. NO, THANK YOU.
MOTHER, DIDN'T YOU
JUST SAY THAT... WALT...
WALT, YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIT NOW,
THAT MINNEAPOLIS
OFFERS A BIGGER VARIETY...
OF THINGS TO DO,
NOW DOESN'T IT? WALT?
MARY, ISN'T THAT THE PLATE...
I GOT FOR YOUR MOTHER AT
THE SEATTLE WORLD'S FAIR? YEAH.
HAD AN INSCRIPTION
ON IT THAT SAID...
- "SEATTLE WORLD'S FAIR"?
- YEAH.
SOMETHING LIKE
THAT. READ THE BACK.
OH, YEAH. "TO
DOTTY, FROM WALTER."
YOUR FATHER'S THE LAST
OF THE ROMANTICS. [Laughs]
[Knocking] COME IN.
HELLO, MARY. HI.
I, UH, COULD COME
BACK AFTER INSPECTION.
RHODA, COME ON IN.
HEY, I WAS THINKING ABOUT THAT
IDEA YOU WERE GONNA GIVE ME.
YOU KNOW, YOUR
SURPRISE? YEAH. YOU WERE?
I KNEW IT HAD SOMETHING
TO DO WITH THE PAPER,
AND THEN I FIGURED IT OUT.
YOU'RE GOING TO SUGGEST
THAT WE REPLACE TED...
BY TELEVISING NEWSPAPER
CLIPPINGS, AREN'T YOU?
- NO, MR. GRANT.
- OH.
THAT'S TOO BAD, 'CAUSE IT'S A GOOD
IDEA. WHAT'S YOUR SUGGESTION?
WELL, I WAS GONNA WORK UP A
WHOLE PRESENTATION FOR YOU...
MM-HMM. YOU KNOW, BUT
I HAVEN'T HAD THE TIME.
UH, WELL, ANYWAY, WHAT
I THOUGHT WE MIGHT DO...
IS JUST USE STORIES
LIKE THIS ON THE NEWS.
YOU MEAN TO SAY WE MISSED
OUT ON THE TURNIP STORY?
OKAY, MR. GRANT.
BIGGEST TURNIP STORY
OF THE CENTURY...
OKAY, MR. GRANT, OKAY.
AND WE MISSED OUT ON IT.
SORRY, LOU.
IT WAS EITHER THAT OR THE YAM
THAT LOOKED LIKE MILLARD FILLMORE.
I BLEW IT, LOU. AN
HONEST, HONEST MISTAKE.
WELL, DON'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.
WELL, IF YOU LIKE IT THAT MUCH,
I'LL TYPE IT UP FOR YOU, LOU.
YEAH, THIS IS... THIS IS WHAT
I LOVE ABOUT WORKING HERE.
I MEAN, YOU GUYS,
YOU'RE JUST SO MUCH FUN.
AFTER THAT, YOU'RE STILL
LOOKING FOR CUTE LITTLE STORIES?
LOOKING FOR A CUTE LITTLE
APARTMENT FOR MY PARENTS.
- OH. WHAT PART OF MINNEAPOLIS
ARE YOU LOOKING IN?
- ST. PAUL.
ST. PAUL?
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
IT'S NICE OVER THERE.
IT'S, UH... IT'S
QUIET OVER THERE.
AND IT'S... OVER THERE,
RIGHT? OVER THERE.
LISTEN, IT'S NOT THAT
I DON'T LOVE THEM.
I REALLY HAVE ENJOYED
THIS LAST WEEK WITH THEM.
IT'S JUST THAT I THINK I'VE OUTGROWN
SPENDING ALL MY FREE TIME WITH THEM.
YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
DO THEY HAVE ANY FRIENDS HERE?
NO. I'M HOPING I CAN FIND AN
APARTMENT WITH SOME FRIENDLY PEOPLE.
YOU LOOKING FOR A
FRIENDLY APARTMENT, MAR?
WHY DON'T YOU MOVE
INTO MY BUILDING?
OH, WELL, GOSH, TED. I DON'T THINK
I COULD STAND ALL THAT HAPPINESS.
ANYWAY, IT'S NOT FOR
ME. IT'S FOR MY FOLKS.
THAT'S STILL ALL RIGHT.
THERE'S PLENTY OF VACANCIES.
I WONDER WHY.
ANYWAY, TED, DON'T YOU LIVE IN ONE
OF THOSE SWINGIN'-SINGLES BUILDINGS?
YEAH. IT'S SWELL.
WE'VE GOT A SOCIAL DIRECTOR, SWEET
ROLLS ON SUNDAYS, VOLLEYBALL TOURNAMENTS.
OF COURSE, I'M THE
BIGGEST CELEBRITY THERE.
OH? THE GUY WITH THE
CHIMP MUST HAVE MOVED.
- MY MOM LIVES THERE TOO.
- YOUR MOM?
WELL, SHE'S SINGLE. BUT SHE WAS
MARRIED ONCE, WASN'T SHE, TED?
OH, SURE.
EVERYBODY LOVES MOM.
IF YOUR FOLKS MOVE INTO THE
BUILDING, THEY'D LOVE HER TOO.
YEAH, WELL, THE THING IS,
THEY'RE NOT SINGLE, TED.
OH, YEAH. WELL, IF THEY EVER
DECIDE TO BREAK UP, SEND 'EM OVER.
HE'S A HAPPY MAN, MURRAY.
I KNOW. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY.
EXCUSE ME. IS THIS
WHERE... OH. HI, MARY.
DAD! HI.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I WAS AT
THE HOSPITAL RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.
YOU WERE AT THE HOSPITAL?
IS ANYTHING WRONG?
HUH? OH, JUST DROPPED IN TO
WATCH A COUPLE OF OPERATIONS.
- WELL, HOW WERE THEY?
- FAIR.
UH, THEY DON'T EVEN GIVE
YOU A PRIVATE OFFICE, HUH?
OH, WELL, DAD, SEE, A
NEWSROOM IS LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING IS
SORT OF OUT IN THE OPEN.
NOBODY HAS ANY SECRETS,
SO NOBODY NEEDS AN OFFICE.
EXCEPT FOR
MR. GRANT. HE'S GOT A...
NOT THAT HE HAS ANY SECRETS OR
ANYTHING. HE'S JUST, YOU KNOW, GOT A, UH...
MURRAY, THIS IS MY DAD.
DAD, MURRAY SLAUGHTER.
MARY TALKS ABOUT YOU
ALL THE TIME. IT'S A PLEASURE.
HI. THIS IS REALLY
A NICE SURPRISE.
COME ON. I'LL BUY YOU LUNCH.
GEE, DAD, I'D LIKE TO, BUT... WELL,
IF YOU CAN'T MAKE IT, I UNDERSTAND.
NO, NO, NO, NO. I'LL
REARRANGE A FEW THINGS.
HEY, I GOT A COUPLE OF APARTMENTS
THAT I THINK ARE KIND OF INTERESTING.
OH. WE ALREADY RENTED
ONE THIS MORNING.
YOU DID? MM-HMM.
- HERE IN MINNEAPOLIS?
- YEAH. WHERE ELSE?
OH, I WAS JUST THINKING
IT MIGHT BE OVER IN ST...
- WELL, WHEREABOUTS?
- WELL, AFTER WE HAD BREAKFAST
WITH YOU THIS MORNING,
WE JUST DROVE ROUND AND
ROUND UNTIL WE FOUND THIS PLACE.
I'VE GOT THE ADDRESS RIGHT HERE.
DAD, THAT'S RIGHT AROUND
THE CORNER FROM MY PLACE.
SHE COULDN'T FIND
ANYTHING IN YOUR BUILDING.
HEY, LOOK. GIN.
GIN? I THOUGHT WE
WERE PLAYING HEARTS.
DOTTY.
WHO'S WINNING? WHO KNOWS?
- OH, MARY, GREAT DRESS.
- YEAH?
WHERE YOU GOING?
OH, A DINNER PARTY.
YOU GOING OUT
AGAIN TONIGHT, DEAR?
YOU WERE OUT SO LATE LAST NIGHT.
GOSH, MOM, I DON'T
THINK 11:30 IS SO LATE.
WELL, I GUESS I BETTER BE GOING.
HEY, MAR? HONEY, DO
YOU HAVE AN EXTRA KEY?
WHY? ARE YOU GONNA
COME BACK TONIGHT, MOM?
WELL, PHYLLIS HAS HAD TO LET ME IN
A COUPLE TIMES THE LAST FEW DAYS,
AND, YOU KNOW, I REALLY
DIDN'T WANT TO BOTHER HER.
OH, WELL, YOU
KNOW, IT'S NO BOTHER.
PHYLLIS DOESN'T MIND
DOING THINGS LIKE THAT.
GOOD. I'LL GET HER
TO MAKE ME A KEY.
HEY, RHODA, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO GO TO A MOVIE LATER? SURE.
AS LONG AS IT'S NOT ONE OF
THOSE SEXY ONES, YOU KNOW?
ALL THOSE NAKED BODIES JUST
REMIND ME OF WORK. HUH, MAR?
WHAT IS IT YOU DO, DEAR?
OH, MANNEQUINS... I DRESS
MANNEQUINS IN A STORE WINDOW.
THANK HEAVENS.
HAVE A GOOD TIME, HONEY. WHAT
TIME DO YOU THINK YOU'LL BE HOME?
UH, GEE, I DON'T KNOW, MOM.
WELL, HAVE A GOOD
TIME ANYWAY, DEAR.
AND DON'T FORGET TOMORROW'S
A WORKING DAY. I WON'T.
HEY, RHODA, I'LL PICK YOU
UP AT 8:00, OKAY? GOOD DEAL.
AND LISTEN, I'M NOT GONNA
CHANGE. OH, NO. ME NEITHER.
BE PREPARED. THEY'LL
TAKE US FOR SISTERS.
PROBABLY. SO LONG. BYE.
GEE, I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE
SHE'S YOUR MOTHER.
- YEAH? WHY?
- OH, MARY, SHE'S SO YOUNG.
SHE'S JUST LIKE A
REGULAR PERSON.
IF MY MOTHER WAS HERE,
SHE'D BE DRIVING ME CRAZY.
- RHODA, SHE'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.
- I KNOW.
DOES IT SHOW?
- DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER KNOWS?
- THEY NEVER KNOW.
[Ringing]
HELLO? [Click]
MOTHER.
[Knocking] WHO IS IT?
RHODA. CAN YOU GIVE
ME A LIFT TO WORK?
MY CAR'S GOT THE
ASIAN FLU. YEAH, SURE.
SO, MARY, YOU GOING TO A
FORMAL BREAKFAST PARTY?
- NO. I JUST GOT HOME.
- MUST'VE HAD SOME GREAT TIME.
LOOK, RHODA, WHATEVER I DID,
IT'S MY OWN BUSINESS, OKAY?
THAT GOOD, HUH?
I'M SORRY. THAT
WASN'T MEANT FOR YOU.
- WELL, WHO WAS IT MEANT FOR?
- FOR MY MOTHER.
AH. EVERY TIME I COME HOME
LATE, THE PHONE IS RINGING,
AND WHEN I PICK IT UP, THE PERSON
ON THE OTHER END HANGS UP.
RHODA, MY MOTHER
IS CHECKING UP ON ME.
AW! I BROKE MY ZIPPER. YOU SEE?
EVERY TIME YOU
YELL AT YOUR MOTHER,
GOD MAKES YOU BREAK YOUR ZIPPER.
LOOK, I REALIZE THAT SHE'S THE
BEST MOTHER A PERSON COULD HAVE,
BUT NO MATTER HOW HARD SHE
TRIES, SHE'S STILL MY MOTHER.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, KID.
LOOK, IT GOES WITH THE TERRITORY.
I FEEL EVERY TIME I'M
GONNA BE LATE COMING HOME,
THAT I HAVE TO CALL HER
SO SHE DOESN'T WORRY.
WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT? WHAT?
THIS HAPPENS TO PROTESTANTS TOO.
I WOULD JUST LIKE TO BE ABLE TO
GO OUT AND STAY OUT ALL NIGHT...
IF I FEEL LIKE IT, WITHOUT COMING
HOME AND FINDING THE PHONE RINGING.
ARE YOU WEARING SHORTY
NIGHTGOWNS TO WORK THESE DAYS?
WORK. WORK! [Groans]
[Clattering]
WHAT IS... WHO IS IT?
DON'T HOLD A PIZZA
CARTON LIKE THAT.
THE CHEESE WILL ALL
SLIDE OFF THE CRUST.
MOTHER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WELL, I HAD SOME EXTRA
MEAT LOAF LEFT OVER,
AND I KNEW YOU'D BE TIRED
AND WOULDN'T FEEL LIKE COOKING.
YOU JUST HAPPENED TO
KNOW THAT I'D BE TIRED, HUH?
WELL, YOU WORKED
ALL DAY, DIDN'T YOU?
LOOK. YOU CAN BARELY
HOLD YOUR EYES OPEN.
MOM, MY EYES HAVE
NEVER BEEN OPENER,
AND AS FOR THE DINNER,
THANK YOU, BUT I HAVE A PIZZA.
OH, MARY, YOU CAN'T EAT THAT.
MOTHER. I'M GOING
TO EAT MY PIZZA.
OKAY. OKAY. YOU CAN HAVE
THE MEAT LOAF TOMORROW.
IT'S ALWAYS BETTER WHEN
IT'S LEFTOVER ANYWAY,
SO I'LL JUST LEAVE IT OVER.
I WAS JUST ON MY WAY OUT ANYHOW.
HEY, MOM? HUH?
THANKS FOR THE MEAT LOAF.
I MADE IT JUST THE
WAY YOU LIKE IT.
HOW WAS YOUR DATE LAST NIGHT?
- FINE, THANKS.
- WHAT DID YOU DO?
MOTHER, I'M NOT
GOING TO TELL YOU.
- I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
- UH, WHAT?
YOU ALWAYS GET CRANKY
WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPY.
YOU'VE BEEN LIKE THAT
EVER SINCE YOU WERE A BABY.
MOM, LISTEN. I'M
NOT A BABY ANYMORE.
SEE, I... I DON'T NEED MY MOMMY
BRINGING ME MEAT LOAVES,
AND I ESPECIALLY DON'T NEED HER
CHECKING UP ON ME EVERY MINUTE.
- BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN
CHECKING UP ON YOU.
- OH, COME ON, MOM.
WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS MEAT
LOAF, IF IT'S NOT CHECKING UP ON ME?
MAYBE I HAVE BEEN
AROUND HERE TOO MUCH,
BUT IT'S NOT BECAUSE I'VE
BEEN CHECKING UP ON YOU. MOM.
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
AROUND HERE TOO MUCH.
WHY-WHY HAVE YOU BEEN
AROUND HERE SO MUCH?
BECAUSE I LIKE YOU.
WELL, MOM, I LIKE YOU TOO,
BUT LIKING DOESN'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT.
WELL, IF I KNEW YOU FELT
SO STRONGLY ABOUT IT,
I WOULDN'T HAVE
BROUGHT THE MEAT LOAF.
MOTHER, WE ARE NOT
TALKING ABOUT THE MEAT LOAF.
WELL, THEN, WHAT
ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?
WE'RE... MOM, WILL YOU
STOP CRYING? THAT ISN'T FAIR.
I'M NOT CRYING. [Sniffles]
MOM, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT
THE PHONE CALL THIS MORNING.
NOW, IF THAT'S NOT
CHECKING UP ON ME,
- THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.
- WHAT PHONE CALL?
- OH, MOTHER, YOU KNOW
WHAT PHONE CALL.
- [Knocking]
WHO IS IT? [Walt] ME.
I WENT HOME THINKING I
MIGHT GET SOME DINNER...
- [Both Sniffling] - OOPS.
DON'T LET ME KILL THE FUN.
NO, DAD.
PLEASE, DAD, STAY.
MOTHER, ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT
YOU DIDN'T CALL ME THIS MORNING...
AND THEN HANG UP
WHEN I ANSWERED?
HANG UP? WHY WOULD I
CALL YOU AND THEN HANG UP?
- WELL, THEN, IF YOU
DIDN'T CALL, WHO DID?
- I DID.
- Y-YOU DID?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
I GOT HOME FROM MY A.M.A. MEETING
AT 11:00... A RESPECTABLE HOUR...
EXPECTING TO FIND MY WIFE
THERE, AND WHEN SHE WASN'T,
I CALLED HERE, AND MY
DAUGHTER WASN'T HOME EITHER.
WELL, MISS NIGHTLIFE HERE...
FINALLY SHOWED UP AT 12:30,
BUT BY THEN I WAS SO
USED TO CALLING YOU...
I JUST KEPT IT UP UNTIL
8:27 THIS MORNING.
YOU GOT HOME AT
8:27 THIS MORNING?
MORE OR LESS, YES. DAD...
AS LONG AS YOU
WERE ON THE PHONE,
WHY-WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY HI?
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO
THINK I WAS CHECKING UP ON YOU.
I FIGURED SINCE YOU WERE WELL
ENOUGH TO ANSWER THE PHONE,
EVERYTHING WAS OKAY.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE HUNG UP.
I CERTAINLY AGREE WITH YOU
THERE. WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE...
WAS ASK YOU WHERE THE HELL
YOU WERE UNTIL 8:27 IN THE MORNING.
8:27. DAD, LOOK. I AM
OVER 30 YEARS OLD.
I DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THAT.
I DON'T CARE HOW OLD YOU ARE,
YOU'RE STILL MY DAUGHTER, AND I'VE
STILL GOT THE RIGHT TO WORRY ABOUT YOU.
OKAY, OKAY, LOOK. WHEN
YOU LIVED IN ROSEBERG,
YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHERE
I WAS HALF THE TIME.
- IT DIDN'T BOTHER YOU THEN.
- OH, YES, IT DID.
THERE WERE PLENTY OF TIMES I STARTED
TO PICK UP THE PHONE, BUT I DIDN'T.
- WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU?
- WELL, I...
IT WAS LONG DISTANCE.
WELL, AS LONG AS
YOU'RE BOTH HERE,
YOU WANNA HAVE DINNER?
WHAT DO YOU SAY, DOTTY?
WELL, LONG AS
WE'RE NOT IN THE WAY.
OH, MOM. OH, MARY.
WE'LL, HAVE, UH,
MEAT LOAF AND, UH,
SLOPPY PIZZA.
FORTUNATELY, I MADE ENOUGH
MEAT LOAF FOR THE THREE OF US.
I'LL JUST GO WARM IT UP.
[Sobs]
YOU KNOW, YOU STILL HAVEN'T
TOLD US WHAT YOU DID LAST NIGHT.
I KNOW.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL US.
WELL, DOTTY, I GUESS WE'LL
JUST HAVE TO GET USED TO THAT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE'LL JUST HAVE TO
GET USED TO THAT.
WE'LL NEVER GET USED TO THAT.
[Ted] THAT'S THE FIRST VISIT BY AN
AMERICAN SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE...
TO MIAMI BEACH.
WHO TIMED THIS SHOW? WE'RE
GONNA END UP ABOUT A MINUTE SHORT.
GIMME SOMETHING QUICK.
I DON'T WANT HIM STARING AT THAT
CAMERA WITH A SILLY LOOK ON HIS FACE.
[Ted Continues, Indistinct]
HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN A MAN
WITH A SILLY LOOK ON HIS FACE...
GETS A SILLY LOOK ON HIS FACE?
WELL, THAT'S THE
NEWS FOR TONIGHT.
THIS IS TED BAXTER
SAYING, SEE YOU TOMORROW.
THAT'S HOW.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT. I'VE JUST BEEN
HANDED THIS LATE-BREAKING BULLETIN.
"ROY L. SCUTCH OF WINNEBAGO
GOT A SURPRISE YESTERDAY...
"WHEN HE HARVESTED
HIS CROP AND FOUND...
AN 11-POUND TURNIP."
REPEATING THAT
BULLETIN...[TV Off]
[Mews]
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪
♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪
♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪
♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪
♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪
♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪
♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪
♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪
HEY, MURRAY, LISTEN TO THIS.
"ROY L. SCUTCH OF WINNEBAGO
GOT A SURPRISE YESTERDAY...
WHEN HE HARVESTED HIS CROP
AND FOUND AN 11-POUND TURNIP."
WELL, WHAT'S SO
AMAZING ABOUT THAT?
WE HAVE A 165-POUND VEGETABLE
DOING THE NEWS EVERY NIGHT.
YOU KNOW, MURRAY, IT SEEMS TO ME
THERE ARE A LOT OF STORIES LIKE THIS...
THAT WE DON'T THINK
ARE SO IMPORTANT,
BUT OTHER PEOPLE JUST
MIGHT FIND INTERESTING.
THE ONLY WAY WE'D
DO THAT STORY, MARY,
IF ROY SCUTCH WERE KILLED
BY AN 11-POUND TURNIP.
OH, MURRAY.
HERE ARE SOME CHANGES.
WHAT ARE YOU CUTTING OUT?
OH, NOTHING. IT'S... NOTHING?
[Clears Throat]
WELL, IT'S JUST, UH,
AN IDEA FOR SOMETHING I
THOUGHT WE MIGHT DO ON THE SHOW.
- OKAY, LET'S HEAR IT.
- WELL, UH, IT'S GONNA BE
A SURPRISE.
SURPRISE ME.
UH... [Ringing]
SURPRISE. NEWSROOM.
JUST A MOMENT, PLEASE. IT'S
FOR YOU, MR. GRANT. NEW YORK.
- COME ON, COME ON. WHAT'S YOUR IDEA?
- I'LL TELL YOU LATER.
OH, ALL RIGHT, BUT DON'T FORGET,
'CAUSE I STILL WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT.
I GOT IT. YOU'RE GONNA SUGGEST
TED INTERVIEW THE TURNIP.
IT JUST SEEMS TO
ME WE SHOULD DO...
FUNNY LITTLE HUMAN STORIES
LIKE THIS EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
I MEAN, IF THE
NEWSPAPERS CAN DO IT...
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
TALKING ABOUT? NEWSPAPERS.
OH. I DON'T CARE MUCH
FOR THEM MYSELF.
OH, HE'S VERY BLASÉ NOW,
BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
HIM RUN IN AND GRAB THE PAPER...
WHEN HE HEARD NANCY
AND SLUGGO BROKE UP.
ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS,
KID AROUND, BUT I'VE GOT
VERY GOOD REASONS FOR
NOT LIKING THE NEWSPAPERS.
- OH? WHAT ARE THEY?
- ONE, THEY'RE COMPETITION,
AND TWO, I ALWAYS
GET THAT BLACK STUFF...
ALL OVER MY HANDS
AFTER I READ THEM.
WHEN PEOPLE WATCH MY SHOW,
THEY DON'T HAVE TO WASH THEIR HANDS.
OH, TERRIFIC, TED. WE
CAN ADVERTISE THE SIX
O'CLOCK NEWS DOESN'T
GET YOUR HANDS DIRTY.
"DOESN'T GET YOUR HANDS DIRTY."
HEY, THAT'S A GOOD ONE,
MAR. DID YOU HEAR THAT, MURR?
OH, COME ON, TED. IT
WASN'T THAT FUNNY.
HEY, DID YOU GUYS JUST
HEAR WHAT MARY SAID? TED.
I'M GONNA TELL THIS
TO LOU. [Laughing]
WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM A GUY
WHOSE FAVORITE MARX BROTHER IS ZEPPO?
MURRAY.
"DR. WALTER REED RICHARDS WAS
HONORED WITH A DINNER LAST NIGHT...
"BY THE ROSEBERG
MEDICAL ASSOCIATION.
"DR. RICHARDS ANNOUNCED
HIS RETIREMENT...
AFTER 21 YEARS AS CHIEF OF SURGERY
FOR THE ROSEBERG COUNTY HOSPITAL."
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
MURRAY, THIS IS MY FATHER.
- MARY, YOU'RE KIDDING.
- I GOTTA CALL HOME.
WHY DIDN'T THEY
TELL ME ANYTHING?
MAYBE THEY PROMISED
THE NEWSPAPER A SCOOP.
I TALKED TO MY MOTHER THREE TIMES
LAST WEEK. WOULDN'T YOU THINK...
HELLO, MOM. IT'S MARY.
LISTEN, MOTHER, HOW COME YOU
DIDN'T TELL ME THAT DADDY WAS RETIRING?
HE DIDN'T TELL YOU?
WELL, YEAH, I GUESS THAT'S DAD.
WELL, UH, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING NOW THAT YOU'VE
GOT RETIREMENT TO LOOK FORWARD TO?
UH-HUH. UH-HUH.
AND WHAT ABOUT LATER TODAY?
MOM, I MEAN, WHAT
ARE YOUR PLANS?
OH, YOU ARE?
UH, YEAH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
WHEN? OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, MOM. CALL ME
LATER THEN. RIGHT. BYE-BYE.
HUH. WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO?
THEY'RE MOVING. HERE.
MARY, DON McDONALD IS JOINING ME FOR LUNCH
TOMORROW, SO MAKE SURE I HAVE ENOUGH ICE.
THERE YOU ARE, LOU. LOU. YOU
WANNA HAVE A GOOD BELLY LAUGH?
MARY AND I WERE
TALKING, AND I SAID,
"WHEN PEOPLE WATCH MY SHOW
THEY DON'T HAVE TO WASH THEIR HANDS."
- AND THEN MARY SAID...
- WELL, MR. GRANT, IT REALLY WASN'T FUNNY.
OH, COME ON, DON'T
LOUSE IT UP, MARY.
I SAID, "WHEN PEOPLE WATCH MY SHOW,
THEY DON'T HAVE TO WASH THEIR HANDS."
AND THEN MARY SAID...
WE CAN ADVERTISE THAT THE SIX O'CLOCK
NEWS DOESN'T GET YOUR HANDS DIRTY.
IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID?
YEAH. THAT ISN'T FUNNY.
[Knocking]
HIYA. OH. HI.
HEY, WHEN YOU DECIDE TO
COME DOWN OFF YOUR BARSTOOL,
YOU WANNA GO OUT
AND GRAB A SANDWICH?
OH, GEE, I'D LOVE TO, BUT I
CAN'T. MY PARENTS ARE COMING.
OH, WONDERFUL. HOW
LONG ARE THEY GONNA STAY?
WELL, THEY'RE MOVING HERE.
- CAN I HAVE
MY "WONDERFUL" BACK?
- RHODA.
MARY, DO YOURSELF A FAVOR. TELL 'EM TO
STAY WHERE THEY ARE, OR GO SOMEPLACE ELSE.
ANYTHING BUT COME HERE.
RHODA, I COULD NEVER DO THAT.
WELL, THEN I'LL DO
IT. DON'T WORRY.
I'LL MAKE THE CALL ANONYMOUS
AND IN VERY GOOD TASTE.
IT'S TOO LATE. THEY'VE ALREADY
LEFT. THEY'LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
MARY, YOU HAVE GOT TO SEND THEM
BACK THE MINUTE THEY GET HERE.
LISTEN TO THE
VOICE OF EXPERIENCE.
WHEN I LIVED IN NEW YORK, MY PARENTS
KEPT FOLLOWING ME ALL OVER THE BRONX.
I'D MOVE, THEY'D MOVE.
ONCE I TOLD THEM I WAS
MOVING, THEY MOVED AND I DIDN'T.
I THOUGHT I'D FINALLY LOST THEM,
BUT NO, THEY PICKED UP MY TRAIL.
SO WHAT COULD I DO?
YOU MOVED TO MINNEAPOLIS.
I MOVED TO MINNEAPOLIS.
RHODA, IT DOESN'T
HAVE TO BE THAT WAY.
MY PARENTS AND I HAVE ALWAYS GOTTEN
ALONG JUST GREAT. MY MOTHER IS TERRIFIC.
UH-HUH. NO, REALLY.
MY DATES USED TO LIKE HER
AS MUCH AS THEY LIKED ME.
OH, THAT'S SWELL. THERE ISN'T
ENOUGH COMPETITION RUNNING AROUND.
- [Mouthing Words]
- TELL ME, MAR, THESE
PERFECT PARENTS OF YOURS...
DO THEY EVER BRING UP THE
SUBJECT OF WHY YOU AREN'T MARRIED?
WELL, UH, NOT DIRECTLY. YEAH.
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE MY
FATHER USED TO MENTION...
THAT HE WAS THE ONLY
DEPARTMENT HEAD IN THE HOSPITAL...
WHO DIDN'T HAVE ANY
GRANDCHILDREN... HEH, HEH, HEH.
WAS THAT HIS "HEH,
HEH, HEH," OR YOURS?
OH, NO. THAT WAS HIS. JUST TO LET ME
KNOW HE WAS KIDDING, HEH, HEH, HEH.
GOT IT. HEY, RHODA, YOU
REMEMBER THAT PARTY I GAVE...
AND YOUR DATE MADE THOSE
DUMB PAPER AIRPLANES?
YEAH. LITTLE SOUVENIR.
HEY, YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T SEEN
HIM SINCE THAT EVENING EITHER.
SEE IF HE'S UP THERE, HUH? BOY.
NO WONDER I HAVEN'T SEEN
HIM. HERE'S MY PHONE NUMBER.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK? HOW DOES
THE APARTMENT LOOK? CLEAN ENOUGH?
- CLEAN ENOUGH FOR WHAT?
- FOR MY FATHER.
YOU SEE? DO YOU SEE
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
THEY AREN'T EVEN HERE YET, AND YOU ARE
CLEANING AN ALREADY CLEAN APARTMENT.
RHODA, IT'S JUST THAT MY
FATHER'S NEVER BEEN HERE,
AND I WANT THE
PLACE TO LOOK CLEAN.
SO, HOW TALL IS
YOUR FATHER ANYWAY?
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE IT'S
'CAUSE DADDY'S IN SURGERY,
BUT HE'S ALWAYS BEEN
VERY PARTICULAR...
ABOUT EVERYTHING HE COMES IN
CONTACT WITH BEING GERM-FREE.
- OH.
- WHERE YOU GOING?
I GOTTA BOIL MY SWEATSHIRT.
[Knocking]
HI. NOW HUG YOUR FATHER FIRST,
'CAUSE I'M GONNA
TAKE TIME WITH YOU.
HIYA, DAD. HOW ARE YOU, BONES?
OH, MOM. OH, HONEY.
IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HERE.
OH, WOW.
DOESN'T YOUR FATHER LOOK GREAT?
YOU'D NEVER GUESS THAT HE'S 16
YEARS OLDER THAN I AM, NOW WOULD YOU?
THAT'S A NEW RECORD
FOR WORKING IT IN FAST.
OH, HONEY, IT'S SO
TERRIFIC TO BE HERE.
REMEMBER THE
LAST TIME I WAS HERE,
AND WE WENT SHOPPING TOGETHER
AND PEOPLE MISTOOK US FOR SISTERS?
YEAH. I ALWAYS LOVED THAT.
HEY, NOW WALT... WALT,
ISN'T THIS A DARLING PLACE?
YEAH. WHAT ARE YOU
PAYING, MARY, ABOUT 100?
- UH, YEAH, ABOUT 100.
- AND?
THIRTY? FIVE.
IN ROSEBERG, YOU CAN GET
A WHOLE HOUSE FOR THAT.
- NO, YOU CAN'T.
- THAT'S WHAT OUR
HOUSE PAYMENT WAS.
NO, 135 WASN'T OUR HOUSE
PAYMENT. THAT WAS OUR PHONE BILL.
MARY, THIS PLACE... DOES IT
HAVE A JOHN, OR IS IT IN THE HALL?
YES, DAD, IT HAS A
JOHN. IT'S RIGHT IN HERE.
'CAUSE I WANNA WASH MY HANDS.
DAD, I'M A BIG GIRL NOW. YOU
DON'T HAVE TO SAY THAT ANYMORE.
OH, YES I DO. I GOT 'EM FILTHY ON
THAT BANNISTER OUT THERE. OH.
WELL, YOU KNOW, HONEY,
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO START
LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT SOON,
AND I WANT A PLACE
JUST LIKE THIS...
ONLY BIGGER AND NEWER.
WELL, I'LL TAKE YOU
AROUND ON SUNDAY.
IT'LL BE FUN TO SEE ALL THE
APARTMENTS I COULDN'T AFFORD.
HOW DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
GONNA LIKE LIVING IN MINNEAPOLIS?
- IT'S GONNA BE PRETTY
DIFFERENT FROM ROSEBERG.
- RIGHT.
MARY, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT MOVING
HERE WASN'T MY IDEA, IT WAS YOUR FATHER'S.
OH. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
MOM, NOW THAT DAD'S RETIRED?
WELL, I KIND OF THOUGHT I'D GO
BACK AND FINISH NURSING SCHOOL.
OH, MOTHER, YOU'VE BEEN
SAYING THAT FOR YEARS. WELL.
THAT'S YOUR MOTHER'S WAY
OF REMINDING EVERYONE...
JUST HOW YOUNG SHE
WAS WHEN WE GOT MARRIED.
YOU KNOW, DAD, I WAS REALLY SURPRISED
YOU DECIDED TO MOVE TO MINNEAPOLIS.
MARY, IT WASN'T MY IDEA.
OH, BUT MOTHER SAID...
OH, THIS IS GOOD CHEESE, MARY.
WHAT KIND IS IT? IT'S SO DIFFERENT.
IT'S CALLED AMERICAN.
OH. WALT, WOULD YOU LIKE
SOME AMERICAN CHEESE?
UH, NO. NO, THANK YOU.
MOTHER, DIDN'T YOU
JUST SAY THAT... WALT...
WALT, YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIT NOW,
THAT MINNEAPOLIS
OFFERS A BIGGER VARIETY...
OF THINGS TO DO,
NOW DOESN'T IT? WALT?
MARY, ISN'T THAT THE PLATE...
I GOT FOR YOUR MOTHER AT
THE SEATTLE WORLD'S FAIR? YEAH.
HAD AN INSCRIPTION
ON IT THAT SAID...
- "SEATTLE WORLD'S FAIR"?
- YEAH.
SOMETHING LIKE
THAT. READ THE BACK.
OH, YEAH. "TO
DOTTY, FROM WALTER."
YOUR FATHER'S THE LAST
OF THE ROMANTICS. [Laughs]
[Knocking] COME IN.
HELLO, MARY. HI.
I, UH, COULD COME
BACK AFTER INSPECTION.
RHODA, COME ON IN.
HEY, I WAS THINKING ABOUT THAT
IDEA YOU WERE GONNA GIVE ME.
YOU KNOW, YOUR
SURPRISE? YEAH. YOU WERE?
I KNEW IT HAD SOMETHING
TO DO WITH THE PAPER,
AND THEN I FIGURED IT OUT.
YOU'RE GOING TO SUGGEST
THAT WE REPLACE TED...
BY TELEVISING NEWSPAPER
CLIPPINGS, AREN'T YOU?
- NO, MR. GRANT.
- OH.
THAT'S TOO BAD, 'CAUSE IT'S A GOOD
IDEA. WHAT'S YOUR SUGGESTION?
WELL, I WAS GONNA WORK UP A
WHOLE PRESENTATION FOR YOU...
MM-HMM. YOU KNOW, BUT
I HAVEN'T HAD THE TIME.
UH, WELL, ANYWAY, WHAT
I THOUGHT WE MIGHT DO...
IS JUST USE STORIES
LIKE THIS ON THE NEWS.
YOU MEAN TO SAY WE MISSED
OUT ON THE TURNIP STORY?
OKAY, MR. GRANT.
BIGGEST TURNIP STORY
OF THE CENTURY...
OKAY, MR. GRANT, OKAY.
AND WE MISSED OUT ON IT.
SORRY, LOU.
IT WAS EITHER THAT OR THE YAM
THAT LOOKED LIKE MILLARD FILLMORE.
I BLEW IT, LOU. AN
HONEST, HONEST MISTAKE.
WELL, DON'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.
WELL, IF YOU LIKE IT THAT MUCH,
I'LL TYPE IT UP FOR YOU, LOU.
YEAH, THIS IS... THIS IS WHAT
I LOVE ABOUT WORKING HERE.
I MEAN, YOU GUYS,
YOU'RE JUST SO MUCH FUN.
AFTER THAT, YOU'RE STILL
LOOKING FOR CUTE LITTLE STORIES?
LOOKING FOR A CUTE LITTLE
APARTMENT FOR MY PARENTS.
- OH. WHAT PART OF MINNEAPOLIS
ARE YOU LOOKING IN?
- ST. PAUL.
ST. PAUL?
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
IT'S NICE OVER THERE.
IT'S, UH... IT'S
QUIET OVER THERE.
AND IT'S... OVER THERE,
RIGHT? OVER THERE.
LISTEN, IT'S NOT THAT
I DON'T LOVE THEM.
I REALLY HAVE ENJOYED
THIS LAST WEEK WITH THEM.
IT'S JUST THAT I THINK I'VE OUTGROWN
SPENDING ALL MY FREE TIME WITH THEM.
YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
DO THEY HAVE ANY FRIENDS HERE?
NO. I'M HOPING I CAN FIND AN
APARTMENT WITH SOME FRIENDLY PEOPLE.
YOU LOOKING FOR A
FRIENDLY APARTMENT, MAR?
WHY DON'T YOU MOVE
INTO MY BUILDING?
OH, WELL, GOSH, TED. I DON'T THINK
I COULD STAND ALL THAT HAPPINESS.
ANYWAY, IT'S NOT FOR
ME. IT'S FOR MY FOLKS.
THAT'S STILL ALL RIGHT.
THERE'S PLENTY OF VACANCIES.
I WONDER WHY.
ANYWAY, TED, DON'T YOU LIVE IN ONE
OF THOSE SWINGIN'-SINGLES BUILDINGS?
YEAH. IT'S SWELL.
WE'VE GOT A SOCIAL DIRECTOR, SWEET
ROLLS ON SUNDAYS, VOLLEYBALL TOURNAMENTS.
OF COURSE, I'M THE
BIGGEST CELEBRITY THERE.
OH? THE GUY WITH THE
CHIMP MUST HAVE MOVED.
- MY MOM LIVES THERE TOO.
- YOUR MOM?
WELL, SHE'S SINGLE. BUT SHE WAS
MARRIED ONCE, WASN'T SHE, TED?
OH, SURE.
EVERYBODY LOVES MOM.
IF YOUR FOLKS MOVE INTO THE
BUILDING, THEY'D LOVE HER TOO.
YEAH, WELL, THE THING IS,
THEY'RE NOT SINGLE, TED.
OH, YEAH. WELL, IF THEY EVER
DECIDE TO BREAK UP, SEND 'EM OVER.
HE'S A HAPPY MAN, MURRAY.
I KNOW. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY.
EXCUSE ME. IS THIS
WHERE... OH. HI, MARY.
DAD! HI.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I WAS AT
THE HOSPITAL RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.
YOU WERE AT THE HOSPITAL?
IS ANYTHING WRONG?
HUH? OH, JUST DROPPED IN TO
WATCH A COUPLE OF OPERATIONS.
- WELL, HOW WERE THEY?
- FAIR.
UH, THEY DON'T EVEN GIVE
YOU A PRIVATE OFFICE, HUH?
OH, WELL, DAD, SEE, A
NEWSROOM IS LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING IS
SORT OF OUT IN THE OPEN.
NOBODY HAS ANY SECRETS,
SO NOBODY NEEDS AN OFFICE.
EXCEPT FOR
MR. GRANT. HE'S GOT A...
NOT THAT HE HAS ANY SECRETS OR
ANYTHING. HE'S JUST, YOU KNOW, GOT A, UH...
MURRAY, THIS IS MY DAD.
DAD, MURRAY SLAUGHTER.
MARY TALKS ABOUT YOU
ALL THE TIME. IT'S A PLEASURE.
HI. THIS IS REALLY
A NICE SURPRISE.
COME ON. I'LL BUY YOU LUNCH.
GEE, DAD, I'D LIKE TO, BUT... WELL,
IF YOU CAN'T MAKE IT, I UNDERSTAND.
NO, NO, NO, NO. I'LL
REARRANGE A FEW THINGS.
HEY, I GOT A COUPLE OF APARTMENTS
THAT I THINK ARE KIND OF INTERESTING.
OH. WE ALREADY RENTED
ONE THIS MORNING.
YOU DID? MM-HMM.
- HERE IN MINNEAPOLIS?
- YEAH. WHERE ELSE?
OH, I WAS JUST THINKING
IT MIGHT BE OVER IN ST...
- WELL, WHEREABOUTS?
- WELL, AFTER WE HAD BREAKFAST
WITH YOU THIS MORNING,
WE JUST DROVE ROUND AND
ROUND UNTIL WE FOUND THIS PLACE.
I'VE GOT THE ADDRESS RIGHT HERE.
DAD, THAT'S RIGHT AROUND
THE CORNER FROM MY PLACE.
SHE COULDN'T FIND
ANYTHING IN YOUR BUILDING.
HEY, LOOK. GIN.
GIN? I THOUGHT WE
WERE PLAYING HEARTS.
DOTTY.
WHO'S WINNING? WHO KNOWS?
- OH, MARY, GREAT DRESS.
- YEAH?
WHERE YOU GOING?
OH, A DINNER PARTY.
YOU GOING OUT
AGAIN TONIGHT, DEAR?
YOU WERE OUT SO LATE LAST NIGHT.
GOSH, MOM, I DON'T
THINK 11:30 IS SO LATE.
WELL, I GUESS I BETTER BE GOING.
HEY, MAR? HONEY, DO
YOU HAVE AN EXTRA KEY?
WHY? ARE YOU GONNA
COME BACK TONIGHT, MOM?
WELL, PHYLLIS HAS HAD TO LET ME IN
A COUPLE TIMES THE LAST FEW DAYS,
AND, YOU KNOW, I REALLY
DIDN'T WANT TO BOTHER HER.
OH, WELL, YOU
KNOW, IT'S NO BOTHER.
PHYLLIS DOESN'T MIND
DOING THINGS LIKE THAT.
GOOD. I'LL GET HER
TO MAKE ME A KEY.
HEY, RHODA, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO GO TO A MOVIE LATER? SURE.
AS LONG AS IT'S NOT ONE OF
THOSE SEXY ONES, YOU KNOW?
ALL THOSE NAKED BODIES JUST
REMIND ME OF WORK. HUH, MAR?
WHAT IS IT YOU DO, DEAR?
OH, MANNEQUINS... I DRESS
MANNEQUINS IN A STORE WINDOW.
THANK HEAVENS.
HAVE A GOOD TIME, HONEY. WHAT
TIME DO YOU THINK YOU'LL BE HOME?
UH, GEE, I DON'T KNOW, MOM.
WELL, HAVE A GOOD
TIME ANYWAY, DEAR.
AND DON'T FORGET TOMORROW'S
A WORKING DAY. I WON'T.
HEY, RHODA, I'LL PICK YOU
UP AT 8:00, OKAY? GOOD DEAL.
AND LISTEN, I'M NOT GONNA
CHANGE. OH, NO. ME NEITHER.
BE PREPARED. THEY'LL
TAKE US FOR SISTERS.
PROBABLY. SO LONG. BYE.
GEE, I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE
SHE'S YOUR MOTHER.
- YEAH? WHY?
- OH, MARY, SHE'S SO YOUNG.
SHE'S JUST LIKE A
REGULAR PERSON.
IF MY MOTHER WAS HERE,
SHE'D BE DRIVING ME CRAZY.
- RHODA, SHE'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.
- I KNOW.
DOES IT SHOW?
- DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER KNOWS?
- THEY NEVER KNOW.
[Ringing]
HELLO? [Click]
MOTHER.
[Knocking] WHO IS IT?
RHODA. CAN YOU GIVE
ME A LIFT TO WORK?
MY CAR'S GOT THE
ASIAN FLU. YEAH, SURE.
SO, MARY, YOU GOING TO A
FORMAL BREAKFAST PARTY?
- NO. I JUST GOT HOME.
- MUST'VE HAD SOME GREAT TIME.
LOOK, RHODA, WHATEVER I DID,
IT'S MY OWN BUSINESS, OKAY?
THAT GOOD, HUH?
I'M SORRY. THAT
WASN'T MEANT FOR YOU.
- WELL, WHO WAS IT MEANT FOR?
- FOR MY MOTHER.
AH. EVERY TIME I COME HOME
LATE, THE PHONE IS RINGING,
AND WHEN I PICK IT UP, THE PERSON
ON THE OTHER END HANGS UP.
RHODA, MY MOTHER
IS CHECKING UP ON ME.
AW! I BROKE MY ZIPPER. YOU SEE?
EVERY TIME YOU
YELL AT YOUR MOTHER,
GOD MAKES YOU BREAK YOUR ZIPPER.
LOOK, I REALIZE THAT SHE'S THE
BEST MOTHER A PERSON COULD HAVE,
BUT NO MATTER HOW HARD SHE
TRIES, SHE'S STILL MY MOTHER.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, KID.
LOOK, IT GOES WITH THE TERRITORY.
I FEEL EVERY TIME I'M
GONNA BE LATE COMING HOME,
THAT I HAVE TO CALL HER
SO SHE DOESN'T WORRY.
WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT? WHAT?
THIS HAPPENS TO PROTESTANTS TOO.
I WOULD JUST LIKE TO BE ABLE TO
GO OUT AND STAY OUT ALL NIGHT...
IF I FEEL LIKE IT, WITHOUT COMING
HOME AND FINDING THE PHONE RINGING.
ARE YOU WEARING SHORTY
NIGHTGOWNS TO WORK THESE DAYS?
WORK. WORK! [Groans]
[Clattering]
WHAT IS... WHO IS IT?
DON'T HOLD A PIZZA
CARTON LIKE THAT.
THE CHEESE WILL ALL
SLIDE OFF THE CRUST.
MOTHER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WELL, I HAD SOME EXTRA
MEAT LOAF LEFT OVER,
AND I KNEW YOU'D BE TIRED
AND WOULDN'T FEEL LIKE COOKING.
YOU JUST HAPPENED TO
KNOW THAT I'D BE TIRED, HUH?
WELL, YOU WORKED
ALL DAY, DIDN'T YOU?
LOOK. YOU CAN BARELY
HOLD YOUR EYES OPEN.
MOM, MY EYES HAVE
NEVER BEEN OPENER,
AND AS FOR THE DINNER,
THANK YOU, BUT I HAVE A PIZZA.
OH, MARY, YOU CAN'T EAT THAT.
MOTHER. I'M GOING
TO EAT MY PIZZA.
OKAY. OKAY. YOU CAN HAVE
THE MEAT LOAF TOMORROW.
IT'S ALWAYS BETTER WHEN
IT'S LEFTOVER ANYWAY,
SO I'LL JUST LEAVE IT OVER.
I WAS JUST ON MY WAY OUT ANYHOW.
HEY, MOM? HUH?
THANKS FOR THE MEAT LOAF.
I MADE IT JUST THE
WAY YOU LIKE IT.
HOW WAS YOUR DATE LAST NIGHT?
- FINE, THANKS.
- WHAT DID YOU DO?
MOTHER, I'M NOT
GOING TO TELL YOU.
- I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
- UH, WHAT?
YOU ALWAYS GET CRANKY
WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPY.
YOU'VE BEEN LIKE THAT
EVER SINCE YOU WERE A BABY.
MOM, LISTEN. I'M
NOT A BABY ANYMORE.
SEE, I... I DON'T NEED MY MOMMY
BRINGING ME MEAT LOAVES,
AND I ESPECIALLY DON'T NEED HER
CHECKING UP ON ME EVERY MINUTE.
- BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN
CHECKING UP ON YOU.
- OH, COME ON, MOM.
WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS MEAT
LOAF, IF IT'S NOT CHECKING UP ON ME?
MAYBE I HAVE BEEN
AROUND HERE TOO MUCH,
BUT IT'S NOT BECAUSE I'VE
BEEN CHECKING UP ON YOU. MOM.
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
AROUND HERE TOO MUCH.
WHY-WHY HAVE YOU BEEN
AROUND HERE SO MUCH?
BECAUSE I LIKE YOU.
WELL, MOM, I LIKE YOU TOO,
BUT LIKING DOESN'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT.
WELL, IF I KNEW YOU FELT
SO STRONGLY ABOUT IT,
I WOULDN'T HAVE
BROUGHT THE MEAT LOAF.
MOTHER, WE ARE NOT
TALKING ABOUT THE MEAT LOAF.
WELL, THEN, WHAT
ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?
WE'RE... MOM, WILL YOU
STOP CRYING? THAT ISN'T FAIR.
I'M NOT CRYING. [Sniffles]
MOM, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT
THE PHONE CALL THIS MORNING.
NOW, IF THAT'S NOT
CHECKING UP ON ME,
- THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.
- WHAT PHONE CALL?
- OH, MOTHER, YOU KNOW
WHAT PHONE CALL.
- [Knocking]
WHO IS IT? [Walt] ME.
I WENT HOME THINKING I
MIGHT GET SOME DINNER...
- [Both Sniffling] - OOPS.
DON'T LET ME KILL THE FUN.
NO, DAD.
PLEASE, DAD, STAY.
MOTHER, ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT
YOU DIDN'T CALL ME THIS MORNING...
AND THEN HANG UP
WHEN I ANSWERED?
HANG UP? WHY WOULD I
CALL YOU AND THEN HANG UP?
- WELL, THEN, IF YOU
DIDN'T CALL, WHO DID?
- I DID.
- Y-YOU DID?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
I GOT HOME FROM MY A.M.A. MEETING
AT 11:00... A RESPECTABLE HOUR...
EXPECTING TO FIND MY WIFE
THERE, AND WHEN SHE WASN'T,
I CALLED HERE, AND MY
DAUGHTER WASN'T HOME EITHER.
WELL, MISS NIGHTLIFE HERE...
FINALLY SHOWED UP AT 12:30,
BUT BY THEN I WAS SO
USED TO CALLING YOU...
I JUST KEPT IT UP UNTIL
8:27 THIS MORNING.
YOU GOT HOME AT
8:27 THIS MORNING?
MORE OR LESS, YES. DAD...
AS LONG AS YOU
WERE ON THE PHONE,
WHY-WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY HI?
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO
THINK I WAS CHECKING UP ON YOU.
I FIGURED SINCE YOU WERE WELL
ENOUGH TO ANSWER THE PHONE,
EVERYTHING WAS OKAY.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE HUNG UP.
I CERTAINLY AGREE WITH YOU
THERE. WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE...
WAS ASK YOU WHERE THE HELL
YOU WERE UNTIL 8:27 IN THE MORNING.
8:27. DAD, LOOK. I AM
OVER 30 YEARS OLD.
I DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THAT.
I DON'T CARE HOW OLD YOU ARE,
YOU'RE STILL MY DAUGHTER, AND I'VE
STILL GOT THE RIGHT TO WORRY ABOUT YOU.
OKAY, OKAY, LOOK. WHEN
YOU LIVED IN ROSEBERG,
YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHERE
I WAS HALF THE TIME.
- IT DIDN'T BOTHER YOU THEN.
- OH, YES, IT DID.
THERE WERE PLENTY OF TIMES I STARTED
TO PICK UP THE PHONE, BUT I DIDN'T.
- WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU?
- WELL, I...
IT WAS LONG DISTANCE.
WELL, AS LONG AS
YOU'RE BOTH HERE,
YOU WANNA HAVE DINNER?
WHAT DO YOU SAY, DOTTY?
WELL, LONG AS
WE'RE NOT IN THE WAY.
OH, MOM. OH, MARY.
WE'LL, HAVE, UH,
MEAT LOAF AND, UH,
SLOPPY PIZZA.
FORTUNATELY, I MADE ENOUGH
MEAT LOAF FOR THE THREE OF US.
I'LL JUST GO WARM IT UP.
[Sobs]
YOU KNOW, YOU STILL HAVEN'T
TOLD US WHAT YOU DID LAST NIGHT.
I KNOW.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL US.
WELL, DOTTY, I GUESS WE'LL
JUST HAVE TO GET USED TO THAT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE'LL JUST HAVE TO
GET USED TO THAT.
WE'LL NEVER GET USED TO THAT.
[Ted] THAT'S THE FIRST VISIT BY AN
AMERICAN SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE...
TO MIAMI BEACH.
WHO TIMED THIS SHOW? WE'RE
GONNA END UP ABOUT A MINUTE SHORT.
GIMME SOMETHING QUICK.
I DON'T WANT HIM STARING AT THAT
CAMERA WITH A SILLY LOOK ON HIS FACE.
[Ted Continues, Indistinct]
HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN A MAN
WITH A SILLY LOOK ON HIS FACE...
GETS A SILLY LOOK ON HIS FACE?
WELL, THAT'S THE
NEWS FOR TONIGHT.
THIS IS TED BAXTER
SAYING, SEE YOU TOMORROW.
THAT'S HOW.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT. I'VE JUST BEEN
HANDED THIS LATE-BREAKING BULLETIN.
"ROY L. SCUTCH OF WINNEBAGO
GOT A SURPRISE YESTERDAY...
"WHEN HE HARVESTED
HIS CROP AND FOUND...
AN 11-POUND TURNIP."
REPEATING THAT
BULLETIN...[TV Off]
[Mews]