Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 3, Episode 4 - Enter Rhoda's Parents - full transcript

♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

[Knocking] MARY? YEAH,
COME ON IN, RHODA.

HIYA. HEY, KID, WHAT HAPPENED?



LESS THAN AN HOUR AGO, YOU
WERE DRESSED TO GO SHOPPING.

YEAH, YOU KNOW SOMETHING, I THINK I'M
GETTING TO BE A COMPULSIVE CLEANER.

THIS WHOLE THING STARTED 20
MINUTES AGO WHEN I EMPTIED AN ASHTRAY.

MARY, GUESS WHAT. WHAT?

- MY FATHER'S IN TOWN.
- YEAH? NO KIDDING. THAT'S TERRIFIC.

- WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?
- HE CAME WITH MY MOTHER.

WELL, WHEN DO I GET TO MEET HIM?

- AS A MATTER OF FACT,
THEY'RE HERE RIGHT NOW.
- HERE?

UH, WHERE HERE?

RIGHT OUTSIDE THAT
VERY DOOR. WHAT?

AND UP THOSE STAIRS IN
MY APARTMENT. GOTCHA.

OH, RHODA.

COME ON. THEY'RE WAITING
UP THERE TO SEE YA.

MARY, YOU MADE A WRONG TURN.



RHODA, I CAN'T GO UPSTAIRS AND MEET
YOUR FAMILY DRESSED IN THIS CRUMMY OUTFIT.

- WHAT WOULD THEY THINK?
- THEY PROBABLY'D THINK
YOU BORROWED IT FROM ME.

MARTIN, I'M GETTING
TIRED OF STANDING.

[Snaps Fingers] IDA, I
GOT AN IDEA. WHAT?

- SIT.
- WHERE?

HERE. HOW ABOUT
THIS? ISN'T THAT LOVELY?

OH, NO, THAT LOOKS
TOO UNCOMFORTABLE.

WELL, IS IT MORE
UNCOMFORTABLE THAN STANDING?

I DON'T KNOW. I'M
TRYING TO DECIDE.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY THE BED? OH, NO,
I DON'T WANT TO SIT ON THAT SPREAD.

IT MIGHT SHED ALL OVER MY SUIT.

HERE'S A NICE BEANBAG.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY THAT?

- MRS. MORGENSTERN!
- MARY!

- OH, DON'T GET UP.
- DON'T WORRY. I CAN'T.

LET ME HELP YOU UP OUT OF THAT
THING BEFORE IT SWALLOWS YOU HERE.

OH, IT'S SO NICE
TO SEE YOU. MARY.

MY, DON'T YOU LOOK PRETTY.
OH, IT'S PROBABLY THE NEW SHOES.

DON'T YOU LOOK WONDERFUL? BUT
THEN, WHY SHOULDN'T YOU? OH, COME ON.

AND NOW, MARY, OUR SPECIAL
GUEST STAR, MY FATHER.

MR. MORGENSTERN. I
FEEL I KNOW YOU. MARY.

I'M GLAD, OTHERWISE I'D NEVER LET
YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME LIKE THIS.

WELL, HOW WAS THE TRIP? DID
YOU HAVE A PLEASANT FLIGHT?

YEAH, WE HAD A PLEASANT FLIGHT,
EXCEPT FOR SOME LIFE-OF-THE-PARTY GUY...

WHO KEPT PLAYING "CHOPSTICKS"
ON THE LOUNGE PIANO.

OH, GEE, I HATE THAT. IT WAS ME.

OH, EVERYBODY LOVES
MARTIN'S SENSE OF HUMOR.

MARTIN, DON'T YOU THINK YOU
OUGHTA GO FIND US A PLACE TO STAY?

YEAH. HEY, WAIT. I THOUGHT
YOU WANTED TO STAY HERE.

RHODA, WHEN YOU TOLD
US YOU HAD AN APARTMENT,

I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT I
PICTURED AN APARTMENT. RIGHT.

LOOK, MAYBE THERE'S A NICE
MOTEL AROUND HERE SOMEPLACE.

- GEE, POP,
I DON'T KNOW OF ANY.
- THANK GOODNESS.

UH, MR. MORGENSTERN,
THERE IS A VERY NICE ONE...

ON THE CORNER OF
OAKHURST AND BURNSIDE.

MY PARENTS STAYED THERE ONCE.

GOOD. I'LL SEE IF THERE ARE ANY VACANCIES,
AND LATER I'LL COME BACK FOR THE LUGGAGE.

AND FOR ME. AND FOR YOU.

RHODA, YOU KNOW
SOMETHING, IN NEW YORK CITY,

YOU'D HAVE TO KEEP THESE
BEADS LOCKED UP AT NIGHT.

[Laughs] OH, RIGHT.

OH, RHODA, YOUR FATHER IS JUST... WELL,
I MEAN, I NEVER PICTURED CARY GRANT.

HE'S JUST... HE'S EVEN MORE
ATTRACTIVE THAN I WAS SURE HE WOULD BE.

YES, HE IS, ISN'T HE.
OH, MRS. MORGENSTERN,

I THINK YOUR HUSBAND
IS JUST TERRIFIC. I KNOW.

HEY, I JUST THOUGHT
OF SOMETHING.

WOULDN'T IT LOOK KIND OF FUNNY TO
DRIVE UP TO A MOTEL WITHOUT A CAR?

- RIGHT.
- RHODA, HONEY,
COULD I BORROW YOURS?

WELL, IT'S IN THE BODY SHOP.

I SORT OF KEEP IT IN THERE AND
JUST TAKE IT OUT FOR ACCIDENTS.

LISTEN, MR. MORGENSTERN, YOU
CAN BORROW MY CAR IF YOU WANT.

MARY, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. NO,
REALLY, PLEASE. I DON'T EVEN NEED IT.

WELL, GOLLY, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
IDA, DID YOU HEAR THAT?

NOW WE WON'T HAVE TO RENT ONE
FOR THE WHOLE WEEK WE'RE HERE.

- GOTCHA!
- OH!

NOW I SEE WHERE YOU
GOT YOUR "GOTCHAS." RIGHT.

I'LL GETCHA THE KEYS.

SO LONG, POP. [Sighs]

RHODA? YEAH, MA.

I HAVE TO TELL YA. YOUR FATHER
AND I COMING TO MINNEAPOLIS,

- IT ISN'T JUST A PLEASURE TRIP.
- YOU'RE TELLING ME.

- HEY, MA, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA MOVE HERE.
- OH, NO, NO, NO.

RHODA, YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED
IN THE PAST 10 OR 20 YEARS...

THAT YOUR FATHER AND I
AREN'T GETTING ANY YOUNGER.

I MEAN, SOME PEOPLE
HAVE TOLD ME...

THAT I HAVE MATURED,
UH, GRACEFULLY.

BUT YOUR FATHER. I
MEAN, YOUR FATHER.

I MEAN, NOBODY TELLS
ME I LOOK LIKE CARY GRANT.

MA, WHAT IS IT
YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY?

WELL, UH, RHODA, OUR
MARRIAGE IS ON THE ROCKS.

YOU'RE TALKING RIDICULOUS.

I DON'T BELIEVE THAT. IF YOUR
MARRIAGE IS ON THE ROCKS,

HOW COME YOU AND POP ARE IN
HERE, ACTING LIKE NOTHING IS WRONG?

HE DOESN'T KNOW.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. HOW
COULD HE NOT KNOW?

RHODA, I'VE BEEN KEEPING
SOMETHING FROM YOU.

IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO TELL YOU THIS,
RHODA, BUT... THERE'S ANOTHER PARTY.

ANOTHER PARTY. YOU
DON'T MEAN YOU... YOU AND...

NO, HIM AND...

AND HE DOESN'T KNOW?
HE DOESN'T KNOW I KNOW.

OH, I REFUSE... I REFUSE
TO TALK ABOUT THIS.

- COULD I MAKE
SOMETHING LIKE THIS UP?
- YES, YOU WOULD.

AND I'M NOT GONNA
DISCUSS IT ANY FURTHER.

THAT'S ALL. IT'S TOO DUMB, MA.

DON'T COME IN HERE AND TELL ME
THAT MY FATHER IS FOOLING AROUND.

WHO'S FOOLING AROUND?
HE'S DEAD SERIOUS.

EXCUSE ME. BELIEVE ME, RHODA,
A WOMAN KNOWS THE SIGNS.

THE SIGNS. OH, COME
ON, MA. WHAT SIGNS?

LIKE TAKING ME OUT TO DINNER
AND BRINGING HOME FLOWERS.

MA, LISTEN. I WANT
YOU TO STOP THIS TALK.

I'M TELLING YOU. I DON'T
WANNA TALK ANY MORE ABOUT IT.

RHODA, YOU'VE
GOT THIS ALL WRONG.

IT'S NOT HIS FAULT. PEOPLE
SPARK TO YOUR FATHER.

ESPECIALLY WOMEN.
WELL, EVEN MARY DID IT.

YEAH? WHAT KIND OF
PROOF HAVE YOU GOT?

FOR 33 YEARS, THAT NICE MRS. ADELMAN,
THAT WORKED WITH YOUR FATHER?

YEAH? WELL, NOW ALL OF A
SUDDEN, A NICE OLD LADY...

IS NOT WHAT HE WANTS
FOR A SECRETARY.

NOW HE HAS A 24-YEAR-OLD
GIRL WITH BLUE EYES.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO MRS. ADELMAN?
- SHE DIED.

MA, LISTEN TO ME. I DON'T
WANNA DISCUSS THIS ANY FURTHER.

ALL RIGHT, DON'T.
DON'T BELIEVE ME. NO.

DON'T LIFT A FINGER
TO HELP. NO, I WON'T.

AND AFTER THE DIVORCE,
DON'T FEEL GUILTY.

[Scoffs]

MARY, I'M CHECKING THE BILLING. NO
CALLS, NO INTERRUPTIONS. RIGHT, MR. GRANT.

I THOUGHT THAT BILLING CAME
ON THE FIRST OF THE MONTH.

HIS BAR BILLS COME ON THE 15th.

OH, YEAH. [Phone Rings]

NEWSROOM.

WELL, IT'S GOTTA BE THERE.

I'LL COME HELP YOU LOOK.

MARY, THE FILM FOR OUR
FEATURE STORY IS MISSING.

- WHAT STORY?
- THE ONE ON INEFFICIENCY
IN BUSINESS.

HIYA, MAR. HI. HOW ARE YOU?

STARVED. I MADE LUNCH
RESERVATIONS AT TWO RESTAURANTS.

WELL, WELCOME TO
THE WJM NEWSROOM.

GOLLY, WHY ISN'T ANYTHING
THE WAY YOU PICTURE IT?

YOU KNOW WHAT I EXPECTED
HERE? THIRTY OR 40 REPORTERS.

A DOZEN COPYBOYS. SPENCER
TRACY AS THE FIGHTING EDITOR.

OH, WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE
EVERYBODY'S AT LUNCH. EXCEPT US.

SO THAT WAY I CAN SHOW YOU
AROUND WITHOUT DISTURBING ANYONE.

I MEAN, THAT IS, IF YOU'RE
INTERESTED. INTERESTED?

OH, WE LOVE STUDIO
TOURS. DON'T WE, MARTIN?

OH, THAT ONE IN HOLLYWOOD?
THAT WAS REALLY SOMETHING.

OH, YEAH. FIRST YOU
GET ON THIS LITTLE TRAM,

AND IT TAKES YOU AROUND TO
THE DRESSING ROOMS OF THE STARS.

THEN THE STARS COME
OUT AND SAY HELLO TO YOU.

THAT'S RIGHT. AND
THE SHOW THEY PUT ON.

I'M TELLING YOU... THESE STUNTMEN ARE
FALLING OUT OF TREES, OUT OF BUILDINGS.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU'RE ON A BOAT, AND
THERE'S A TORPEDO COMING RIGHT AT YOU.

AND SUDDENLY,
THERE'S A BIG EXPLOSION.

I'M TELLING YOU... YOU'D
SWEAR IT WAS THE REAL THING.

IT IS THE MOST FANTASTIC
THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.

NOW, MARY, GIVE US YOUR TOUR.

WELL, UH, THIS IS THE NEWSROOM.

WELL, THAT'S, UH... THAT'S
VERY INTERESTING HERE. UH-HUH.

THAT'S... OH, SOMEBODY
DRAWS OVER HERE?

RIGHT, RIGHT, YES, HE DOES.
AND, UH, THESE ARE HIS COLORS.

HIS, UH, COLOR CAROUSEL.

MY, DID YOU EVER SEE
SO MANY COLORS, MARTIN?

MARY. UH, EXCUSE ME.
COULD YOU HELP US LOOK?

OH, YEAH, SURE. I'LL BE JUST A
SECOND. I HAVE TO FIND SOME FILM.

I WAS HERE ONCE BEFORE, YOU KNOW, SO I
CAN SORT OF PICK UP WHERE MARY LEFT OFF.

THIS IS, UH, THIS
IS MARY'S DESK.

AND THIS IS MARY'S TYPEWRITER.

IS THIS MARY'S CHAIR?

AND THIS IS MARY'S BOSS'S
OFFICE DOOR, LOU GRANT.

AND THIS IS... HIM.

WELL, MR. GRANT, HELLO. I DIDN'T
THINK WE'D CATCH YOU HERE.

I THOUGHT YOU'D BE OUT TO LUNCH,
BUT IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU'RE HERE.

WE WERE JUST LOOKING OVER
YOUR LITTLE NEWSROOM. [Chuckling]

YOU REMEMBER ME, DON'T
YOU? IDA MORGENSTERN.

I MET YOU THE LAST TIME I WAS
HERE. OR WAS IT THE TIME BEFORE?

ANYWAY, HERE I AM AGAIN, ONLY THIS
TIME I CAME WITH MY HUSBAND, MARTIN.

HIYA THERE. WE CAME ALL
THE WAY FROM NEW YORK.

WELL, I SEE YOU HAVE
A LOT TO KEEP YOU

BUSY, SO I'LL JUST LET
YOU GET BACK TO WORK.

IT'S BEEN NICE CHATTING
WITH YOU, MR. GRANT. BYE-BYE.

OH, THAT MR. GRANT
IS SUCH A NICE MAN.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.
HE LOOKS LIKE SPENCER TRACY.

UH, EXCUSE ME, MRS. MORGENSTERN.

I HAVE TO ANSWER
THE BUZZER. [Buzz]

I'LL BE RIGHT IN, MR. GRANT.

I'LL JUST BE A SECOND.

ISN'T THAT MARY EFFICIENT? SHE
HEARD THAT BEFORE IT EVEN BUZZED.

MARY, A PERSON...

JUST OPENED THIS DOOR...

AND SPOKE SMALL TALK
TO ME AT SOME LENGTH.

THAT WAS MRS. MORGENSTERN,
RHODA'S MOTHER.

YOU MIGHT HAVE
REMEMBERED MEETING HER.

I MIGHT HAVE
REMEMBERED, BUT I DIDN'T.

BUT I THOUGHT MAYBE SHE
WAS SOMEBODY IMPORTANT.

BUT NOW SHE TURNS OUT
TO BE YOUR FRIEND'S MOTHER.

I'M SORRY, MR. GRANT. IT WON'T
HAPPEN AGAIN. UH, EXCUSE ME.

UH, RHODA, I'LL BE
OUT IN JUST A MINUTE.

NO, I GOTTA DO THIS, MAR. IS SHE IN
TROUBLE BECAUSE OF WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

RHODA, REALLY, EVERYTHING
IS OKAY. I AM NOT IN TROUBLE.

I DISAGREE.

NOW LISTEN, LOU,
IT WAS MY MOTHER.

SO IF YOU'RE GONNA YELL
AT SOMEONE, YELL AT ME.

OKAY.

RHODA, THIS IS A NEWSROOM.

I HAVE WORK ALL OVER MY DESK.

I CAN'T HAVE PEOPLE BARGING
IN HERE AND INTERRUPTING ME.

AND I DO NOT ENJOY BEING ONE
OF THE HIGH POINTS OF INTEREST...

ON THE GUIDED TOUR
FOR VISITING PARENTS.

DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?

I, UH, CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
TOOK ME UP ON THAT OFFER.

UH, YOU HAVE
ANYTHING LEFT FOR ME?

NO, THAT DID IT.

MARY, I AM SORRY. I DO CRAZY
THINGS WHEN I'M HUNGRY.

IT'S OKAY. LISTEN, WE
CAN GO TO LUNCH NOW.

OH, GOOD. UH, WHERE
IS YOUR MOTHER?

OH, I DON'T KNOW. SHE MUST
HAVE WANDERED OFF SOMEWHERE.

MARY, WE FOUND THE FILM.
OH, GREAT. WHERE'D YOU FIND IT?

I DIDN'T. YOUR MOTHER DID.

WHAT? IT'S JUST A MATTER
OF KNOWING WHERE TO LOOK.

- WELL, WE CAN GO TO LUNCH NOW,
MRS. MORGENSTERN.
- OH, WHERE'S MARTIN?

HE WENT TO THE MEN'S ROOM.

[Laughing] YOU'RE WELCOME.

WELL, YOU JUST NEVER KNOW WHO
YOU'RE GONNA MEET THERE, DO YOU?

♪♪ [Soft] [Knocks] MARY?

YEAH, COME ON IN, RHODA.

HELLO. HI. UH, LISTEN.

TURN THE MUSIC
DOWN IF YOU WANT TO.

OH, YOU MIND IF I
TURN IT OFF? NO.

YEAH, TO ME, MUSIC AND
CONVERSATION DON'T MIX.

I KEEP TRYING TO TALK ON
KEY. DO YOU HAVE ANY JUICE?

YEAH, SURE, IN THE
FRIDGE. HELP YOURSELF.

HOW WAS THE EVENING
WITH YOUR PARENTS?

OH! WE WATCHED TV.

THERE ARE CERTAIN TV PROGRAMS
THAT MY MOTHER SIMPLY WILL NOT MISS.

I KNOW. MY MOTHER'S
THE SAME WAY.

HEY, YOU WANT SOME
JUICE? NO, THANKS.

SEE, MY FATHER HAD PLANNED TO TAKE
US TO THIS NICE FRENCH RESTAURANT,

BUT WE NEVER WOULD
HAVE MADE IT BACK IN TIME.

SO, WE STAYED AT THE MOTEL AND HAD
CHICKEN IN THE BUCKET WITH CHAD EVERETT.

- [Knocking]
- WHO IS IT?

IT'S ONLY ME, IDA.
WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE?

MA. MA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

IT'S OVER, RHODA. I
LEFT YOUR FATHER.

THE MARRIAGE IS FINISHED.

BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I GUESS RHODA TOLD YOU
ALL ABOUT THIS, HUH, MARY?

- NO.
- WELL, DON'T LOOK SO SURPRISED.

IT'S BEEN COMING. RHODA
KNOWS ALL ABOUT IT.

UH, WELL, LOOK. THIS IS OBVIOUSLY
A VERY FAMILY KIND OF THING.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'VE GOT SOME LAUNDRY
TO DO. I KNOW YOU DON'T NEED AN AUDIENCE.

NO, IT'S OKAY, MARY. I
DON'T MIND AN AUDIENCE.

MARY, SHE LOVES AN AUDIENCE.

SO COME AND SIT DOWN.
I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING.

[Sighs]

MA, YOU'RE NOT TELLING US
ANYTHING. WHAT HAPPENED?

WE HAD A BIG FIGHT.

DOES POP KNOW ABOUT IT?

HE KNOWS. LISTEN, MARY, BEFORE
YOU JUDGE MARTIN TOO HARSHLY,

I WANT YOU TO HEAR
MY SIDE OF THE STORY.

YEAH, WELL, MRS. MORGENSTERN,
I JUST WANNA SAY, YOU KNOW,

THAT I LIKE BOTH YOU
AND MR. MORGENSTERN.

AND I'M SURE THIS WHOLE THING IS
GONNA, YOU KNOW, STRAIGHTEN ITSELF OUT.

I REALLY FEEL IT WOULD
BE WRONG OF ME TO MAKE

A COMMENT ONE WAY OR
THE OTHER AT THIS TIME.

CAN I GO ON NOW?

YEAH, SURE.

WELL, I TOLD HIM THAT I UNDERSTOOD
ABOUT HIM AND HIS SORDID AFFAIRS.

HIS AFFAIRS? MA, PLEASE.

MARY DOES NOT HAVE THE
TIME TO LISTEN TO ALL THIS.

YEAH, I REALLY DO HAVE SOME
LAUNDRY THAT I GOTTA TAKE CARE OF.

WELL, I CAN SAY THIS FAST. MARY, I'M A
MODERN WOMAN WHO KNOWS THE SCORE,

AND I KNOW THAT THE MALE
ANIMAL HAS CERTAIN NEEDS...

THAT A LOVING AND DEVOTED
WIFE OF 35 YEARS CANNOT SATISFY.

YOU SAID ALL THIS TO HIM?
YEAH, BUT NOT SO FAST.

MA, PLEASE, JUST GO BACK TO
THE MOTEL TO POP. RIGHT NOW.

NO, RHODA. A MARRIAGE CANNOT
SURVIVE WITHOUT HONESTY.

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING THAT WILL
GET ME TO GO BACK TO YOUR FATHER.

- AND WHAT'S THAT, MA?
- IF HE'LL ADMIT
HE DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE.

[Sighs]

OH, THIS IS THE WORST
NIGHT I EVER SPENT.

IT'S NOT SO GOOD FOR
ME EITHER, YOU KNOW.

LOOK, MA, I DON'T KNOW HOW
MUCH MORE OF THIS I CAN TAKE.

[Phone Ringing] WHO COULD BE
CALLING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?

HEY, IT'S ONLY 11:30. IT JUST SEEMS
LIKE THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

YEAH, HELLO. WELL, HIYA, POP.

[Mouthing Words] MA?

YEAH, SHE'S RIGHT HERE.

MARTIN, I'M NOT HERE.

IF YOU TRY AND COME AND
GET ME, I WON'T BE HERE.

I'M BEING UNREASONABLE?

LISTEN, MARTIN, I'M TELLING
YOU, DON'T COME HERE.

DON'T YOU COME HERE.
IF YOU INSIST ON COMING,

IT'S FREEZING OUT, AND I PUT YOUR
WOOL SWEATER IN THE SECOND DRAWER.

I GOTTA HANG UP NOW. BUT I'M TELLING
YOU FOR THE LAST TIME, DON'T COME.

DON'T COME.

- HE'S COMING, ISN'T HE?
- OF COURSE. WHY SHOULDN'T HE COME?

[Knocking] WHO IS IT?

IT'S ME, IDA.

MARY, I NEED A HIDEOUT.

A HIDEOUT?

MY HUSBAND IS COMING OVER, AND I DON'T
WANT HIM TO FIND ME IN RHODA'S APARTMENT.

COME ON IN. I WON'T
FORGET YOU FOR THIS, MARY.

OH, YOU'RE GETTING
READY TO GO TO BED.

NO, THAT... IT'S OKAY.

YOU GO AHEAD. GO TO
SLEEP. JUST FORGET ABOUT ME.

WELL, WHAT'LL YOU DO?

I'LL JUST SIT HERE IN THE DARK AND TRY
TO FIGURE OUT WHERE IT ALL WENT WRONG.

[Knocking]

THAT'S HIM. WHERE
CAN I HIDE? WHO IS IT?

IT'S ME. IT'S NOT
HIM. IT'S RHODA.

DON'T LET HER IN EITHER.
SHE'LL SQUEAL ON ME.

MARY, I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THIS.

- MA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I WANT YOUR FATHER
TO BE HAPPY.

AND THE ONLY WAY HE CAN
BE HAPPY IS IF HE'S FREE OF ME.

HE'LL NEVER BE FREE
OF YOU. I SHOULD KNOW.

[Knocking] IDA? IDA! RHODA!

- THAT'S HIM. SHH.
- WHAT, SHH?

POP. POP, SHE'S DOWN
HERE! SHE DID IT AGAIN.

WHERE IS SHE? IDA,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM. OH...

DON'T LOCK YOURSELF IN MY
BATHROOM, MRS. MORGENSTERN.

DID SHE TELL YOU WHAT THIS
RIDICULOUSNESS IS ALL ABOUT?

- YEAH, POP, WE BOTH KNOW.
- RHODA, HONEY, I-I DON'T KNOW
WHAT IT IS WITH HER.

SHE'S SO TOUCHY LATELY.
SHE'S SO HARD TO HANDLE.

MR. MORGENSTERN, I
BET I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I'LL BET YOU MRS. MORGENSTERN
IS JUST GOING THROUGH...

THE CHANGE OF LIFE. RIGHT.

SHE WENT THROUGH
THAT 10 YEARS AGO.

MAYBE SHE'S CHANGING BACK.

I'M SITTING THERE
WATCHING THE NEWS.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOUR MOTHER IS
TELLING ME SHE KNOWS I'M HAVING AFFAIRS.

AND THAT SHE UNDERSTANDS.

UH, LISTEN, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I HAVE A FEW THINGS
I HAVE TO WASH OUT.

BUT I CAN'T RIGHT NOW.

HEY, MARY, MARY,
LISTEN. YOU KNOW IDA.

YOU'RE A VERY OBJECTIVE THIRD
PARTY. CAN'T YOU REASON WITH HER?

MR. MORGENSTERN, I DON'T THINK I OUGHT TO.
AS I SAID TO MRS. MORGENSTERN EARLIER...

TELL HER I'M NOT HAVING ANY AFFAIRS FOR
HER TO UNDERSTAND OR NOT UNDERSTAND!

- I THINK SHE HEARD.
- NO, I DIDN'T.

IDA, WHERE ARE YOU
GOING? CALIFORNIA.

WHAT... WHAT... IN YOUR BATHROBE
YOU'RE GOING TO CALIFORNIA?

PLEASE, SIT DOWN, HUH? COME ON.

LET'S... LET'S TALK ABOUT
THIS, FRANKLY. TALK.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S TALK.
- GOOD.

AT LAST. [Sighs]

MARY, THERE ARE SOME THINGS
THAT ARE TOO PRIVATE TO DISCUSS...

IN FRONT OF A STRANGER.

DON'T YOU HAVE SOME
LAUNDRY TO DO OR SOMETHING?

- YEAH, SURE, SURE, I DO.
- MA, WHAT ARE YOU...

IS THAT ANY WAY TO TALK TO MARY?
GO UPSTAIRS AND USE MY APARTMENT.

- I DON'T WANT TO.
- WHY NOT?

IT'S NICER HERE.

IT'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT. I'LL
MAKE GOOD USE OF THE TIME.

I GOTTA GO TO THE
LAUNDROMAT ANYWAY.

THE LAUNDROMAT IS CLOSED,
MAR. COME ON UPSTAIRS WITH ME.

HEY, I JUST GOT
ONE THING TO SAY.

IF THERE'S A CUSTODY BATTLE, WHEN
THEY BRING ME INTO THE COURTROOM,

I REFUSE TO RUN INTO THE
ARMS OF EITHER ONE OF YOU.

IDA, COME ON. LET'S TALK
ABOUT THIS THING INTELLIGENTLY.

[Clears Throat] MY SLIPPERS.

I JUST... I FORGOT MY SLIPPERS.

COME ON, IDA. LET'S
SIT DOWN AND TALK.

COME ON, LIKE TWO PEOPLE...

ALL RIGHT, IDA, NOW LISTEN.

MAYBE... MAYBE I'VE BEEN NEGLECTFUL
IN THESE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS,

BUT HONESTLY,
THAT IS ALL IT'S BEEN.

HONESTLY? HONESTLY.

TELL ME ONE THING, MARTIN. WHAT?

IF YOU HAD BEEN FOOLING
AROUND, WOULD YOU TELL ME NOW?

NO.

WELL, HONEY, I'D WANNA
SPARE YOUR FEELINGS.

THAT'S SWEET.

HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT
SPARING MY FEELINGS NOW?

- YOU DON'T.
- ARE YOU?

- NO.
- HONESTLY?

- HONESTLY.
- OH, MARTIN, I'M SO MIXED UP
WITH ALL THESE "HONESTLYS."

HELL, IT WOULD BE SIMPLER
IF YOU JUST TOLD A LIE.

OH, YOU WANNA HEAR A LIE?

I'M GONNA TELL YOU A LIE.

IDA, THESE LAST 35 YEARS...

HAVE BEEN PURE AGONY.

I DON'T LOVE YOU MORE THAN
ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

THAT'S A LIE?

BIGGEST ONE I EVER TOLD.

OH, MARTIN.

OH! OH, MARTIN!

OH, IT'S BEEN A LONG
TIME SINCE WE HUGGED.

TOO LONG. TOO LONG.

IT'S NOT TOO SEXY
ANYMORE, IS IT?

[Laughs] SURE IT IS.

OH, NO, MARTIN, WHAT YOU MEAN
IS WE'RE COMFORTABLE TOGETHER.

BUT, WELL, IT'S NOT
SO ROMANTIC FOR YOU.

I MEAN, IF YOU MET ME TODAY,

WOULDN'T YOU MARRY
SOMEBODY A LITTLE...

TALLER?

NOPE.

WELL, WE'LL NEVER KNOW, WILL WE?

WHY NOT? WELL, YOU
CAN'T GET MARRIED TWICE.

THAT'S TRUE. HEY. HEY!

WHY NOT? LISTEN,
THERE'S NO LAW AGAINST IT.

IDA, COME ON. LET'S
GET MARRIED AGAIN.

AGAIN? LISTEN, THEY
RENEW LEASES, DON'T THEY?

THEY PICK UP OPTIONS. LOOK, WE'VE
BEEN MARRIED FOR 35 YEARS, HONEY.

IT'S TIME WE... IT'S TIME
WE RENEWED OUR LEASE.

RENEWED OUR LEASE? YEAH.

OH, MARTIN, THAT'S SO POETIC.

OH! WAIT!

HELLO, RHODA? GUESS WHO.

SHE GUESSED.

WHAT'S NEW?

SHE WANTS TO KNOW
WHAT'S NEW WITH US.

WELL, COME RIGHT ON DOWN AND WE'LL
TELL YOU. AND BRING MARY TOO, OKAY?

HEY, DID YOU HEAR THAT? SHE WAS
ANXIOUS TO KNOW WHAT WE WERE DOING,

AND I SAID TO HER, "WHAT'S NEW?"

HMM. I HEARD. THAT
WAS VERY CUTE.

YEAH, AND THEY THINK YOU'RE
THE ONE WITH THE SENSE OF HUMOR.

OH, MARY, MARY, DO YOU KNOW A
NICE SYNAGOGUE AROUND HERE?

A SYNAGOGUE? WHAT DO
YOU NEED A SYNAGOGUE FOR?

YOUR FATHER PROPOSED TO ME.
WE'RE GONNA GET MARRIED AGAIN.

[Martin] SECOND CEREMONY.
RIGHT HERE IN MINNEAPOLIS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
OH, POP, I LOVE IT.

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU'RE NOT
DOING THIS BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO?

- GO ON!
- GOTCHA!

HERE WE ARE, MR. GRANT.

GEE, I'M SORRY MRS.
GRANT COULDN'T MAKE IT.

WELL, SHE COULD HAVE.

BUT EDIE AND I HAVE A DEAL.

I DON'T LIKE TO SEE
HER CRY AT WEDDINGS,

AND SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO SEE
ME DRINK AT RECEPTIONS. OH.

MIND IF I HAVE A
REFILL? YES, GO AHEAD.

ATTENTION, PLEASE. COULD I
HAVE EVERYBODY'S ATTENTION?

UH, EXCUSE ME, RABBI. OH, SURE.

UH, IT IS NOW TIME FOR THE NEWLYWEDS TO
GO BACK TO THEIR MOTEL FOR THE HONEYMOON.

WHOO. OH, WHOO. YES.

BUT BEFORE THEY GO, THE
BRIDE WILL THROW THE BOUQUET.

AW.

OH! I GOT IT!

BEST TWO OUT OF THREE.

[Mews]