Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 3, Episode 19 - Romeo and Mary - full transcript

♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

MAR, I... I REALLY APPRECIATE
WHAT YOU'RE DOIN' FOR ME TONIGHT.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW
MUCH I APPRECIATE WHAT...



RHODA, I KNOW HOW
MUCH YOU APPRECIATE IT.

YOU'VE BEEN TELLING ME
FOR THE LAST 20 MINUTES.

YEAH, WELL, IT ISN'T EVERYBODY WHO
WOULD DOUBLE-DATE WITH HER FRIEND...

KNOWING SHE'S GONNA
HAVE A ROTTEN TIME.

WELL, I... I DIDN'T
KNOW THAT, RHODA.

OH, YEAH. YOU ARE.

H-HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE THAT
I'M GONNA HAVE A ROTTEN TIME?

BECAUSE YOUR DATE
WAS DESCRIBED TO ME...

AS BEING AS MUCH FUN AS MY DATE.

BY MY DATE.

UH-HUH. WELL, THEN WHY ARE YOU
GOING OUT WITH YOUR GUY AGAIN?

BECAUSE WHEN HE CALLED ME UP, HE USED
THE DONALD DUCK VOICE ON THE TELEPHONE.

I THOUGHT HE WAS ANOTHER GUY. I DIDN'T
KNOW IT WAS HIM TILL AFTER I'D ACCEPTED.

W-W-WAIT A MINUTE. YOU KNOW TWO GROWN MEN
WHO USE DONALD DUCK VOICES ON THE PHONE?



YEAH. THE OTHER ONE'S A JUDGE.

NOW, MAYBE IT WON'T BE SO BAD.

[Chuckles] TONIGHT
WILL BE THE WORST.

OR AS OUR DATES WOULD SAY...

[Imitating Donald Duck]
TONIGHT WILL BE THE WORST.

YOU... YOU KNOW, I THINK I COULD
BE COMING DOWN WITH SOMETHING.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE... KIND
OF A... [Doorbell Buzzes]

AH. TOO LATE. THE
DUCKS ARE HERE.

[Sighs]

HI!

HEY, I THINK I'M
GONNA SNEEZE. ACHOO!

NOW I THINK I'LL PUT
IT BACK IN MY POCKET.

POCKET.

HEY, UH, IS MY TIE ALL RIGHT?

[Laughs] [Chuckles]

WELL, UH, ISN'T SOMEBODY
GONNA ASK ME IN?

I CAN'T GO THROUGH WITH
THIS! COME ON! YOU'RE RUINING IT!

I DIDN'T. YOU DID. I TOLD YOU
NOT TO WEAR THAT CHECK SUIT.

YOU SPOILED THE ILLUSION.

DID YOU EVER HAVE A BLIND
DATE MAKE A FUNNIER ENTRANCE?

OH, GOSH, NO.

WELL, GIRLS, NOW THAT
WE'VE HAD A GOOD LAUGH,

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY
FRIEND, WARREN STURGES.

THIS IS RHODA... NO,
NO. DON'T TELL ME.

WELL, YOU MUST BE RHODA,
AND, UH, YOU MUST BE, UH...

UH, UH, MARY.

WELL... LET'S NOT, UH,
JUST STAND AROUND.

COME ON IN, AND
WE'LL... SIT AROUND.

IT'S NICE TO SEE
YOU AGAIN, LOWELL.

IT SURE IS. I TOLD YOU SHE WAS
A KNOCKOUT, DIDN'T I, WARREN?

MARY, WOULD YOU BELIEVE
THIS IS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?

[Chuckles] NO. [Imitating Don
Adams] THEN WOULD YOU BELIEVE...

LIKING A LOT AT FIRST SIGHT?

NO? THEN WOULD YOU
BELIEVE MILD INFATUATION? AH.

DOES HE DO A GREAT
DON ADAMS OR WHAT, HUH?

WOULD YOU BELIEVE ANYONE IS
STILL DOING, "WOULD YOU BELIEVE"?

HEY, LOWELL, LOWELL... THE
JOLLY GREEN GIANT'S CONTACT LENS.

[Men Laughing]

I GOTTA WARN YOU GIRLS.
THERE'S NO STOPPIN' THIS GUY.

HE'S GONNA BE LIKE
THIS ALL EVENING.

OH, REALLY? [Chuckles]

ALL EVENING, RHODA.

[Mouths Words]

COME ON. LET'S GO. I GOT
RESERVATIONS AT A KOREAN RESTAURANT.

- KOREAN?
- TRY IT! YOU'LL "WRIKE" IT!

[Men Laughing]

[Imitating Donald Duck] COME ON!

WELL, MAR, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
ISN'T HE EVERYTHING I PROMISED?

MORE.

YOU KNOW, THAT KOREAN FOOD WAS, UH,
SURPRISINGLY GOOD. AND, BOY, AM I FULL.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE
THE WHOLE THING.

[Laughs] AH, THAT'S
REALLY GOOD, WARREN.

WELL, I... I GUESS, UH,
YOU DON'T WANNA...

COME IN FOR A COFFEE
THEN SINCE YOU'RE SO FULL.

COFFEE SOUNDS GREAT.
I THOUGHT IT MIGHT.

HEY, MARY... OH! THANK YOU!

BOY, MARY, WE HAD A
LOT OF LAUGHS TONIGHT.

YEAH. TH-TH-THERE WERE LAUGHS,
WARREN. I SURE DID HEAR LAUGHS.

YOU KNOW, MARY, ONCE IN A
GREAT WHILE, TWO PEOPLE MEET...

AND THEY DEVELOP IMMEDIATE AND
OVERWHELMING ATTRACTION TO ONE ANOTHER.

MM-HMM. YEAH, YOU AND
LOWELL SEEM TO REALLY HIT IT OFF.

NO, MARY, I MEAN YOU AND ME.

OH, COME ON, WARREN. YOU AND I HARDLY SAID
ANYTHING TO EACH OTHER ALL EVENING LONG.

YEAH, I KNOW. BUT SOMETIMES
WORDS JUST AREN'T NECESSARY.

- WARREN...
- MARY, I'M GONNA BE HONEST WITH YOU.

SOMETHING HAPPENED TONIGHT. I,
UH... I THINK I FELL A LITTLE BIT IN LOVE.

WARREN, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.

- MARY, I KNOW YOU.
- NO, YOU DON'T.

OKAY, I DON'T KNOW YOU.
BUT I THINK I LOVE YOU.

WARREN...

MARY, AND I KNOW THAT
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE ME.

OH, GOSH, I DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU KNOW THAT.

THAT IS ANOTHER THING
I JUST LOVE ABOUT YOU!

- WHAT?
- YOU'RE SO SENSIBLE.

UH-UH. I'M NOT. OH, YES,
YOU ARE. YES, YOU ARE.

I KNOW THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO RUSH
INTO THIS, AND I RESPECT YOU FOR THAT.

AND I UNDERSTAND. BUT SOMEDAY...

THAT ONE MAGIC SOMEDAY...
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE ME.

OH, MARY, MARY, MARY!

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M
NOT GOING TO SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT.

WHAT? NO, NO. NO,
NO, NO. NO, NO. PLEASE.

I'VE MADE UP MY MIND. I WANT THIS
TO BE MORE THAN A ONE-NIGHT STAND.

WARREN! MARY, MARY,
MARY, I'VE GOT TO GO NOW.

WARREN! SHHH!

WARREN, I... SHHH.

CIAO.

[Rhythmic Knocking]

[Knocking] [Doorbell
Buzzes Twice]

WHO IS IT?

[Warren] GUESS, MARY. [Sighs]

WARREN! IT'S 7:00
IN THE MORNING.

SUNDAY MORNING.

GOOD MORNING. UP AND AT 'EM.

BREAKFAST NOW BEING
SERVED IN THE MAIN DINING ROOM.

- WH-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- WAIT TILL YOU SEE TODAY'S MENU.

FIRST ON THE MENU, THERE IS
FRESHLY SQUEEZED ORANGE JUICE.

THEN THERE'S PIPING-HOT COFFEE,

FRESHLY BAKED PASTRY...

AND ONE PERFECT
RED ROSE FOR MY LADY.

W-WARREN, LISTEN. YOU
LEFT HERE, UH, SIX HOURS AGO.

I... YOU'VE CALLED
ME TWICE SINCE THEN.

WARREN, IT'S THE ONE DAY IN THE
WEEK THAT I GET TO SLEEP LATE.

LET'S GET A LITTLE LIGHT
ON THE SUBJECT. NO, DON'T.

HEY, A BALCONY! WE CAN HAVE
BREAKFAST ON THE BALCONY.

WARREN, I DON'T WANNA HAVE
BREAKFAST ON THE BALCONY.

I WANNA GET BACK
INTO MY... COUCH.

TSK, TSK, TSK. MARY, MARY,

HAVE I GOT A DAY
PLANNED FOR US, BABE.

FIRST, AFTER BREAKFAST,
WE GO TO THE ZOO.

THEN WE'LL HAVE A LITTLE LUNCH IN THE PARK.
I GOT A PICNIC BASKET DOWN IN THE CAR.

COLD CHICKEN AND WHITE WINE.
THEN WHEN WE'RE FINISHED WITH THAT,

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU ON A
CANOE RIDE ON THE LAKE. OH...

AND WHILE I PLAY MY HARMONICA, YOU JUST
DANGLE YOUR LITTLE FINGERS IN THE WATER.

WELL, THAT REALLY...

UH, BOY, THAT... THAT SOUNDS
TERRIFIC, WARREN. BUT, UH...

WARREN, I DON'T THINK
I CAN MAKE IT TODAY.

WARREN, I HAVE TO GO
TO THE LAUNDROMAT.

I WOULD... RATHER GO
TO THE LAUNDROMAT.

HEY, YOU'RE NOT REALLY SAYING YOU'RE
NOT REALLY GLAD TO SEE ME, ARE YOU?

WARREN, LISTEN. IT'S JUST THAT
YOU PICKED A KIND OF A BAD DAY.

SO, WARREN, THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR BREAKFAST AND EVERYTHING ELSE.

HEY, MARY. MARY,
YOU SEE THIS? YEAH?

YOU SEE WHAT THIS IS? YEAH,
THAT'S MY SILK CALENDAR.

NO, NO, NO, NO. ON THAT DATE,
YOU'RE GONNA BE IN LOVE WITH ME.

NOW, DON'T ASK ME HOW I
KNOW THAT, BUT I KNOW THAT.

I WASN'T GOING TO
ASK YOU, WARREN.

YOU'RE GONNA BE SO THANKFUL.
YOU'RE GONNA SAY, "THANK YOU, WARREN,

"FOR BEING PERSISTENT BECAUSE I
DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

BUT YOU REALIZED IT, AND I DIDN'T
KNOW." YOU'RE GONNA SAY THAT.

I DON'T THINK I'M EVEN GONNA
REMEMBER IT, WARREN. NO, NO, NO, NO.

BELIEVE ME, MARY, YOU'RE
GONNA SAY, "THANK YOU, WARREN."

WELL, I'M GONNA GO NOW,
MARY. THANK YOU, WARREN.

♪♪ [Harmonica]

[Knocking]

GO AWAY! I AM ASLEEP. HONEST!

[Rhoda] WELL, WHEN YOU WAKE
UP, WILL YOU LET ME KNOW?

I JUST DROPPED DOWN,
MARY, TO ASK YOU...

TO PLEASE TURN
DOWN YOUR HARMONICA.

THAT... WAS WARREN.
HE JUST LEFT.

WHO-WHOO! THINGS REALLY WORKED
OUT GOOD LAST NIGHT. UH-HUH.

OH, RHODA, YOU'VE GOTTA
HELP ME GET RID OF HIM.

I KNOW, KID. I WILL. HONEST.
ANYTHING YOU ASK ME. NAME IT.

GOOD. I WANT YOU TO CALL LOWELL
AND TELL HIM TO CALL OFF HIS FRIEND.

ANYTHING BUT THAT.

WHY? AH, MARY, I JUST FIGURED
OUT A WAY TO BREAK UP WITH LOWELL.

I DID IT. AND NOW YOU WANT ME
TO CALL HIM? NO, I CAN'T. WAIT, WAIT.

HOW DID YOU BREAK
UP WITH LOWELL?

I TOLD HIM I WAS DYING.

I DON'T THINK THAT WOULD WORK WITH
WARREN. HE'D WANNA COME WITH ME.

RHODA, PLEASE. YOU OWE ME.

AH, ALL RIGHT. I'LL CALL.

I GUESS I REALLY DO OWE YOU.

WELL, MAYBE I'LL BE LUCKY, AND HE
WON'T BE HOME. HELLO, LOWELL. IT'S RHODA.

YEAH, I'M FINE. THANK YOU. YEAH.

UH, ALL THINGS
CONSIDERED. [Coughs]

UH, LISTEN, LOWELL. MY
FRIEND MARY HAS A PROBLEM.

GEE, I DON'T KNOW JUST
HOW TO PHRASE THIS. UH...

BUT, UH,

SHE CAN'T STAND WARREN, SO WILL
YOU PLEASE TELL HIM TO BUG OFF?

[Chuckling] HELLO,
MARY. MR. GRANT.

HELLO, MURRAY. MY, YOU'RE
IN PRETTY GOOD SPIRITS...

FOR A MAN WHO JUST CAME
FROM THE DENTIST. WELL... [Chuckles]

I WOULD'VE BEEN
BACK EARLIER, BUT I...

STOPPED TO WATCH SOME GUYS PUTTING
UP A BILLBOARD ACROSS THE STREET.

- COUPLE OF MESSAGES FOR YOU.
- OH, YEAH?

- THERE'S A MESSAGE
FOR YOU TOO. MM-HMM.
- WHAT?

WELL, ON THAT BILLBOARD
RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET.

WRITTEN ACROSS IT IN
BIG, RED LETTERS. IT SAYS,

"WARREN STURGES
LOVES MARY RICHARDS."

OH, PLEASE. OH,
NO. [Laughs] YEAH.

AND... AND THE "O" IN "LOVE" IS
SHAPED LIKE A BIG, BIG HEART.

[Giggling]

MR. GRANT, I-IS IT THE... THE LITTLE
BILLBOARD O-ON TOP OF THE DRUGSTORE?

NO. IT'S THE GIANT
ONE ABOVE THE BANK.

YOU REPLACED THE GODFATHER.

OH! WHY? WHY, WHY?

YEAH. GO TAKE A LOOK, MARY. IT'S
RIGHT OUTSIDE. YOU CAN'T MISS IT.

WH... WHY AM I GOING?
I DON'T WANNA SEE IT.

[Laughing]

HEY, MAR, I FOUND YOUR
NEW FELLOW HERE. HIYA, MARY.

[Ted] HE WAS IN THE LOBBY
TRYIN' TO PHONE YOU.

SOMEBODY KEPT TELLING HIM YOU WERE
AT A MEETING. SO I BROUGHT HIM UP HERE.

WELL... WHAT... WHAT A SURPRISE.

PLEASE, THIS GUY... A
LOTTA LAUGHS, MAR. [Laughs]

HEY, WARREN. WARREN, LET'S SHOW
'EM THAT HANDSHAKE YOU TAUGHT ME.

TWO MILKMEN SHAKING HANDS.

AND NOW... THE OTHER ONE.

NO, NO. NO, NO, NO. LET
ME TRY THIS ONE WITH MARY.

WELL, NO, REALLY,
WARREN. I... I W...

TWO LUMBERJACKS SHAKING HANDS.

[Warren, Ted Laughing]

CAN YOU HAVE LUNCH WITH ME? NO,
I CAN'T. AND, WARREN, I WOULD LIKE...

I GOT RESERVATIONS AT
A FRENCH RESTAURANT.

REALLY, I JUST... I HAVE
SO MUCH WORK TO DO.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, MAR.
I'LL FIX IT UP FOR YOU WITH LOU.

WARREN, I AM NOT GOING
TO HAVE LUNCH WITH YOU.

MARY, DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE
OVERPLAYING THIS HARD-TO-GET ROUTINE?

MAR, IF YOU KEEP IT UP,
YOU'RE LIABLE TO LOSE THIS GUY.

NO, NO, NO, TED.
NO CHANCE OF THAT.

ANY GIRL WORTH HAVING IS
A GIRL WORTH FIGHTING FOR.

THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT
THESE. [Laughs]

NOW WE'RE PRISONERS
OF LOVE, MARY.

OH, THAT'S... THAT'S CUTE,
WARREN. THAT REALLY IS.

THAT'S REALLY CUTE. [Chuckles]

NOW, WOULD YOU
PLEASE TAKE THEM OFF?

I CAN'T. I DON'T HAVE THE KEY.

WHERE'S THE KEY? THE MAÎTRE D'
AT THE FRENCH RESTAURANT HAS IT.

[Laughs] NOW YOU HAVE
TO GO TO LUNCH WITH ME.

YEAH, I GUESS I DO. ISN'T IT
FUNNY HOW THAT WORKED OUT?

I'LL WALK YA PAST OUR BILLBOARD.

OH, SAY, DO YOU NEED A
COAT? NO, I DON'T. I NEED A KEY.

DID I JUST SEE MARY BEING
TAKEN OUT OF HERE IN HANDCUFFS?

YES, LOU.

HUH. THEY MUST BE
ROUNDING UP PROTESTANTS.

MARY, HAVE YOU GOT
THE REST OF THE FILE ON...

WHERE'S MARY?
SHE ISN'T BACK YET.

IT'S ALMOST 2:30. SHE'S BEEN
GONE TWO AND A HALF HOURS.

UH, MAYBE WARREN FINALLY
WON HER OVER. [Groans]

YOU KNOW, I HOUNDED A
GIRL LIKE THAT ONCE. YEAH?

IN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL. EVERY DAY
FOR A MONTH, I SENT HER A LIST THAT SAID,

"CHECK ONE. A... YOU ARE
MADLY IN LOVE WITH ME.

"B... YOU ARE CRAZY ABOUT ME.

C... YOU LIKE ME A LOT."

- WHICH ONE DID SHE CHECK?
- "D... NONE OF THE ABOVE."

IF YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT,
YOU GOTTA PUT THE PRESSURE ON.

THAT'S WHAT CHICKS DO WITH ME.

IF YOU ASK ME, WARREN'S
GOT THE RIGHT IDEA.

WELL, YOU HAVE TO STICK TO
IT. THAT'S THE WAY YOU GET 'EM.

WELL, IT'S THE SAME
WAY WITH EDIE AND ME.

SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GO OUT
WITH ME. BUT I PRESSED HER.

YOU KNOW HOW I FINALLY
CONVINCED HER TO GO OUT WITH ME?

- HUH?
- HOW, LOU? HOW?

- POETRY.
- YOU WROTE POETRY?

AT ONE TIME IN MY
LIFE, IT WAS MY JOB.

WHAT WAS YOUR JOB?

I WAS A POET.

A PROFESSIONAL POET.
SIXTY-FIVE BUCKS A WEEK...

ON THE DETROIT FREE PRESS.

IT WAS MY FIRST JOB.

I WROTE "THOUGHTS IN
RHYME" BY LOIS HAMMERSMITH.

LOIS HAMMERSMITH?

WELL, LOIS STARTED THE COLUMN,
AND, UH, SHE HAD KIND OF A FOLLOWING.

AND WHEN SHE DIED, THEY
JUST LEFT HER NAME ON IT.

YOU REMEMBER ANY OF THEM?

WELL, THERE WAS ONE I WROTE
TO EDIE WHEN I WE WERE DATING.

- IT WAS CALLED "AUTUMN WOOD."
- HOW'D IT GO?

YOU DON'T WANNA HEAR SOME
DUMB POEM I WROTE 25 YEARS AGO.

WELL, SURE WE WOULD. YEAH,
COME ON, LOU. IT'S JUST US GUYS HERE.

"AUTUMN WOOD.

"THE LIGHT FROM THE
EVER-WANING MOON...

"ILLUMINATES LESS AND LESS.

"AND TO THE AUTUMN WOOD...

"DOTH BRING A GLOW OF
ENCHANTED LOVELINESS.

"I WALK. I LOOK.

"AND IN THIS DREAM,
YOU ALONE, MY LOVE,

ARE SEEN."

[Raspberry]

IT DOESN'T EVEN
RHYME. "DREAM," "SEEN."

I THINK IT WAS VERY MOVING, LOU.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD IT IN YOU.

MAYBE IT DOES RHYME.
MAYBE I DIDN'T HEAR IT RIGHT.

I GUESS IT'S OKAY. OF COURSE, I
COULD NEVER HAVE WRITTEN IT...

IF MY NAME HADN'T
BEEN LOIS HAMMERSMITH.

YOU KNOW, UH, IT REMINDS
ME OF A POEM I ONCE MADE UP.

[Clears Throat] LET'S
SEE. HOW'S IT GO?

UH... OH, THAT'S IT.

"THERE ONCE WAS A
HERMIT NAMED DAVE.

SPENT 40 YEARS IN A CAVE."

SO YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO MADE THAT UP.

HI, MAR. HOW WAS
LUNCH? OH, IT WAS FINE.

MARY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
MM-MMM. YEAH. FINE. FINE.

[Lou] WHAT HAPPENED?
I'M... I'M ALL RIGHT. JUST, UH...

GI-GIVE ME A MINUTE.
SAY, MARY, I JUST...

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I THINK
YOU AND WARREN MAKE A BEAUTIFUL COUPLE.

AH, TED, GO AWAY.

GO AWAY? GO AWAY?
DID YOU SAY, "GO AWAY"?

[Coughs] NO ASSOCIATE PRODUCER
TELLS AN ANCHORMAN TO GO AWAY.

- GO AWAY.
- BUT WHEN A PRODUCER SAYS IT,
THAT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT...

MARY... OH, MR. GRANT,
IT WAS JUST AWFUL!

THE HANDCUFFS AND THEN...
WHEN WE GOT TO THE RESTAURANT,

THE MAN HE HAD LEFT THE
KEY WITH HAD GONE HOME SICK.

AND WE HAD TO WALK TO
A HARDWARE STORE AND...

THE PEOPLE WERE
LOOKING AT US AND...

THROUGH THE WHOLE THING, WARREN
KEPT SAYING OVER AND OVER AGAIN,

"SOMEDAY, MARY, YOU AND I
ARE GONNA LOOK BACK AT THIS...

AND... LAUGH." IS THERE
SOMETHING WE CAN DO?

[Sighs] MARY, YOU WANT ME TO
HIT HIM FOR YOU OR SOMETHING?

IT'S MY FAULT! I'VE JUST BEEN
AFRAID TO HURT HIS FEELINGS.

LISTEN, I DON'T WANT TO BURDEN
YOU GUYS WITH MY PROBLEMS.

JUST EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE. I'M
GONNA GO TO THE... AND, YOU KNOW...

YEAH, GO AHEAD. ANYWAY, I THINK
I FINALLY GOT THROUGH TO HIM.

I REALLY DON'T THINK I'LL BE
HEARING FROM WARREN AGAIN.

MISS RICHARDS?

"YOU HAVE WON THE
KENTUCKY DERBY OF MY HEART."

YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY
POET AROUND HERE, LOU.

[Knocking] WH... WHO IS IT?

RHODA!

RHODA? YEAH. YOU
KNOW, FROM UPSTAIRS.

MARY. HI, KID. I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE
YOU'D LIKE TO GO TO A MOVIE, HUH?

CAN'T. WHY NOT? IT
WOULD DO YOU GOOD.

COME ON. GET YOUR
MIND OFF WARREN. OH!

RHODA, I CAN'T. WHY NOT?

BECAUSE HE'S OUT THERE.
HE'S OUT THERE WAITING FOR ME.

RHODA, I KNOW IT. I CAN FEEL IT.

HE'S NOT OUT THERE, MAR.
SOMEWHERE, HE IS OUT THERE.

RHODA, YOU CAN'T ALWAYS
SEE HIM, BUT HE IS OUT THERE.

HE'S OUT THERE WAITING. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
IT'S LIKE KNOWING HE'S OUT THERE WAITING.

AND PLANNING AND PLOTTING
AND CONNIVING SOME NEW WAY...

TO WIN MY HEART.

MAR, MAR. LISTEN TO ME.

WHY DON'T I MAKE YOU A NICE, HOT
CUP OF COCOA? WOULD YOU LIKE THAT?

THANK YOU. THAT WOULD
BE VERY NICE. OKAY.

AND I-I'M GONNA PUT SOME
MARSHMALLOW IN IT, HUH?

THAT WOULD BE VERY NICE.
OKAY. COMING RIGHT UP, KID.

[Inhales] OH, RHODA!

HE'S DONE SOMETHING HUMILIATING
TO ME EVERY DAY FOR THE LAST 11 DAYS.

AND TODAY... WHAT?

NOTHING. NOTHING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE NEXT
THING IS GONNA BE, RHODA,

BUT I DO KNOW IT'S
GONNA BE A "WOWZER."

- WHAT IS IT
HE DID YESTERDAY?
- YESTERDAY,

HE WENT THROUGH THE NEIGHBORHOOD
WITH THAT BULLHORN, BLARING THAT MESSAGE.

I WASN'T HOME.
WHAT'D HE SAY, KID?

"I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP...

AND YOUR LIPS... PUCKERED."

- AH, MARY. WHAT DID YOU DO?
- I HID.

AH! MARY, THAT'S WHY YOU CAN'T STOP IT.
BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID TO MAKE A SCENE.

THIS GUY KNOWS
IT, AND HE'S USING IT.

YOU WITH YOUR LITTLE WHITE GLOVES AND
YOUR PERFECT MANNERS. WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

I'D WATER-BOMB HIM.
WATER NEVER FAILS, MAR.

IN A RESTAURANT, IF I GET GRABBED UNDER
THE TABLE, GLASS OF WATER IN THE OLD LAP.

- RHODA, I CAN'T DO THAT.
- THEN HE'S GOT YOU.

I KNOW. HE HAS. [Phone Ringing]

DON'T ANSWER THAT.
WHAT, DO YOU THINK IT'S HIM?

IT'S HIM. WELL, UH, MAYBE
IT'S SOMEBODY ELSE.

RHODA, IT'S HIM.
I KNOW IT'S HIM.

WHAT, DO YOU KNOW
HIS RING? I KNOW IT'S HIM!

MARY, I CAN'T STAND IT.
I GOTTA ANSWER THAT.

THIS WAY WE'LL KNOW FOR
SURE. I KNOW FOR SURE IT'S HIM.

HELLO. IS IT YOU?

- THEY HUNG UP.
- YOU SEE? I TOLD YOU IT WAS HIM.

MARY, THAT COULD
HAVE BEEN ANYBODY.

TELL YOU WHAT, KID. LET'S NOT TALK
ABOUT WARREN STURGES ANYMORE.

WE'LL TALK ABOUT
SOMETHING ELSE. RIGHT.

- LET'S TALK ABOUT
SOMETHING ELSE.
- YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I THINK?

I THINK THE WORST
IS OVER. I THINK THE

REASON YOU HAVEN'T
HEARD FROM WARREN TODAY...

IS BECAUSE HE CAN'T THINK OF
ANYTHING ELSE TO DO TO YOU.

THAT'S WHAT I THINK.
YOU'VE HAD A ROUGH WEEK.

BUT YOU MADE IT THROUGH. IT'S OVER.
YOU CAN WALK IN THE SUN ONCE MORE.

NOW, DRINK.

I WAS OUT OF COCOA, WASN'T I?

- YEAH.
- WHAT IS THIS?

INSTANT COFFEE.

WITH A MARSHMALLOW IN IT?

- YEAH.
- IT'S DELICIOUS.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT
WE'D GET TOGETHER. OH?

WELL, I'VE BEEN CALLING YOU AT HOME FOR
A WEEK NOW. YOU NEVER SEEM TO BE THERE.

YEAH, WELL, IT'S BEEN A
KIND OF A HECTIC WEEK.

ANYWAY, I'M GLAD I
FINALLY REACHED YOU.

OH, I AM TOO. PETER, IT'S SO NICE
TO HAVE A NORMAL FIRST DATE.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN NORMAL?
- WELL, POUR ME SOME MORE WINE,

AND MAYBE I CAN EXPLAIN IT.

YOU BETTER POUR A LITTLE MORE
THAN THAT. IT'S SORT OF A LONG STORY.

MARY! MARY!

HI, I'M WARREN STURGES. WHAT A
SURPRISE, MARY. EXCUSE ME A SECOND.

YEAH, FELLOWS, I'M THE GUY THAT
HIRED YOU. COME ON OVER HERE.

OH, NO, NO. NO, NO, WARREN.
THIS ISN'T A SURPRISE.

- Y-YOU PLANNED THIS.
- OH, WELL, YEAH,
BUT THIS HAPPENS...

AND YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE
GOING TO GET AWAY WITH THIS...

BECAUSE I'M AF...
RAID TO MAKE A SCENE?

WELL, WARREN, I AM NOT
AFRAID TO MAKE A SCENE!

MARY, WELL, I PLANNED THIS... I
FIGURED, YES, THAT YOU PLANNED IT.

WARREN, I MEAN, I SEE GYPSIES, I
FIGURE, "WARREN'S GOT A PLAN."

WELL, WHAT'S IT GONNA BE, WARREN? ARE
YOU GONNA HANDCUFF ME WHILE THEY PLAY?

OH! IS THIS SATISFACTORY, SIR?

NO! NO, IT IS NOT SATISFACTORY.

WARREN, I TRIED
TO BE NICE TO YOU.

BUT YOU JUST KEEP COMING!
YOU WON'T LET UP, WILL YOU?

MARY, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING
ME. OH, AM I? [Laughs]

WELL, WELCOME TO THE CLUB,
MY FRIEND, BECAUSE I HAVE HAD IT!

MARY, PEOPLE ARE STARING AT US.

WELL, WARREN, YOU DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND
THEM STARING WHEN WE WERE HANDCUFFED.

WELL, I DON'T MIND NOW. I DON'T.

[Laughs] SO HOW
DO YOU LIKE THAT?

UH, CHECK PLEASE.

NOW, I SUPPOSE YOU WOULD
LIKE AN ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION.

"WILL YOU MARRY
ME?" WELL, WARREN,

I WILL ANSWER
THAT QUESTION... NO.

SHALL I SPELL THAT FOR YOU? I
WILL SPELL IT FOR YOU, WARREN.

N-O. NO.

IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH, WARREN? BECAUSE
IF IT ISN'T, I WILL SPELL IT FOR YOU AGAIN.

N-O. NO.

NO, NO, NO!

OH! OH! WARREN!

WARREN, WHAT HAPPENED?

MARY, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
THE GIRL I BOUGHT THE CAKE FOR.

THIS IS PEGGY STANTON.
MARY RICHARDS.

OH, WARREN! OH, I'M SO...

UH, SAY, MARY, I'M A
LITTLE LATE FOR WORK.

YOU CAN GET A CAB
NOW, CAN'T YOU?

I'LL CALL YOU AGAIN. REAL SOON.

OH, PETER, I... IT'S...

OH, HEY, WHAT WAS WRITTEN ON
THE CAKE BEFORE SHE MESSED IT UP?

IT SAID, "WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

WILL I MARRY YOU? OH,
OF COURSE I'LL MARRY YOU!

[Laughs] HEY. HEY, LET'S
GET OUT OF THIS PLACE.

[Warren] SURE. SURE, SURE.
HEY, GYPSIES, FOLLOW ME!

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO
RUIN MY PRETTY CAKE?

I...

WILL THERE BE ANYTHING
ELSE, MA'AM? NO.

I THINK THAT'S BEEN
ABOUT ENOUGH.

HELLO, PETER, IT'S,
UH, MARY RICHARDS.

LISTEN, PETER, ABOUT WHAT
HAPPENED AT LUNCH TODAY...

[Chuckles] I MEAN, I WAS...
REALLY, I WAS SO EMBARRASSED.

I WASN'T EVEN GONNA CALL
BECAUSE I THOUGHT, WELL,

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T POSSIBLY
EXPLAIN WHY IT HAPPENED.

AND THEN, I THOUGHT,
"WELL, WHY NOT?"

RIGHT. THERE IS A
GOOD EXPLANATION AND...

WELL, THE EXPLANATION IS THAT...

WELL, YOU SEE...
GOOD-BYE, PETER.

[Mews]