Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 3, Episode 10 - Have I Found a Guy for You - full transcript

♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

- HI, MAR.
- HI.

HERE'S THAT STUFF YOU
WANTED TO BORROW. THANK YOU.



SURE. GEE. I REALLY FEEL
TERRIBLE ABOUT ALWAYS...

BORROWING YOUR GOOD THINGS
WHENEVER I'M HAVING COMPANY.

OH, DON'T BE SILLY,
KID. THIS IS THE ONLY

CHANCE MY TABLECLOTH
GETS TO HAVE A NICE TIME.

I ALWAYS WONDERED. YOU HAVE
SO MANY BEAUTIFUL SERVING THINGS,

AND YOU HARDLY EVER
HAVE ANY COMPANY.

OH, FOR YEARS NOW MY MOTHER HAS BEEN
GIVING ME SHOWER GIFTS ON MY BIRTHDAYS.

YEAH. YEAH. I'M THE ONLY
KID IN THE WORLD, I'M SURE,

THAT GOT A WAFFLE IRON
ON HER 16th BIRTHDAY.

MY FANCY TABLECLOTH,
YOUR GOOD SILVER.

WHICH IS ALSO MY
EVERYDAY SILVER.

MMM. MY EVERYDAY
SILVER IS PLASTIC.

SO, UH... WHAT?

WHO'S COMIN' TO DINNER?
OH. JACK AND LINDA FOSTER.



JACK AND LINDA? MM-HMM.

ALL THIS FUSS FOR A COUPLE? AH.
WELL, THEY'RE VERY SPECIAL PEOPLE.

NO. SPECIAL PEOPLE
SELDOM COME IN COUPLES.

LISTEN. ALL I KNOW IS THAT JACK AND
LINDA HAVE SOMETHING REALLY GREAT GOING.

I MEAN, OF ALL THE
MARRIED COUPLES I KNOW,

THEIRS IS THE KIND OF MARRIAGE I
WOULD LIKE TO HAVE FOR MYSELF.

I WOULD LIKE PAT
AND DICK NIXON'S.

WHY?

YOU KNOW HE CAN'T FOOL AROUND.

BADUM-BA!

LISTEN. THERE'S PLENTY OF FOOD. WHY
DON'T YOU STAY AND HAVE DINNER WITH US?

IT'S ABOUT TIME MY FRIENDS MET EACH
OTHER. I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO, MAR,

BUT I GOTTA GO OUT AND
BREAK UP WITH A GUY TONIGHT.

OH. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE
GOING WITH ANYONE. OH, YEAH.

THIS WOULD HAVE
BEEN OUR SECOND DATE.

WELL, IF YOU'VE ONLY DATED HIM ONCE, WHY
DON'T YOU BREAK UP WITH HIM ON THE PHONE?

I GOTTA GIVE HIM HIS RING BACK. HE
BOUGHT YOU A RING AFTER ONE DATE?

NO. HE HAD IT WITH HIM. OH.

IT WAS ADJUSTABLE.
YOU'RE KIDDING.

[Knocking] IT HAD
A DECODER ON IT.

HELLO! HELLO, MAR.

OH, LINDA. DON'T YOU LOOK GREAT?

WELL, THAT'S WHAT A WEEK
SKIING IN ASPEN WILL DO FOR YA.

BABY. HIYA.

HOW ARE YA, BEAUTIFUL? OH, I'M FINE.
I AM JUST FINE. THANKS FOR ASKING.

RHODA MORGENSTERN, I'D LIKE
YOU TO MEET LINDA AND JACK FOSTER.

[Jack] HI. OH, I AM SO GLAD
TO FINALLY MEET YOU TWO.

WELL, SAME HERE. MARY HAS
TOLD US SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

MARY, YOU WERE RIGHT, KID. HMM?

THEY ARE NICE.
LISTEN. I GOTTA GO.

OH, MAYBE I CAN GET A
COUPLE LIKE THEM FOR MYSELF.

- WE COULD QUADRUPLE.
- OH, GET OUT.

COME ON IN.

OH, MAR. MAR, FANTASTIC. MM-HMM.

MMM. DOESN'T IT DRIVE YOU CRAZY?

PEOPLE WHO CAN EAT ANYTHING THEY
WANT AND NEVER GET FAT LIKE JACK.

- AND YOU.
- MMM.

I GET FAT. WHEN?

I AM FAT RIGHT NOW. WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IT'S TRUE. I GOT ON THE SCALE THIS
MORNING, AND I WEIGHED 120 BIG ONES.

DIET BEGINS TOMORROW.

YOU'RE INCREDIBLE. YEAH?
HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?

ALMOST AS MUCH AS
YOU DO. [Mary] YEAH.

LINDA, WHY CAN'T YOU
MAKE COFFEE LIKE THIS?

MRS. OLSON, WHY CAN'T I
EVER MAKE GOOD COFFEE?

HEY, WHY DON'T WE FINISH OUR
COFFEE IN THE COFFEE AREA? GOOD IDEA.

AH. AH. JACK.

REMEMBER THAT CRAZY GREEK BRANDY YOU SAID
YOU LIKED SO MUCH BUT YOU COULD NEVER FIND?

- OH, YEAH. THE KIND WITH
THE TREE INSIDE THE BOTTLE.
- GUESS WHO FOUND SOME.

AH, MAR. I'VE SAID IT BEFORE, BUT AFTER
LINDA HERE, YOU'RE THE GIRL I'D MARRY.

WELL, I KEEP TELLING YOU. GET RID
OF HER. SHE'S NOT YOUR TYPE ANYWAY.

READY? AH, YES.
HAPPY LITTLE TREE.

- SO, TELL ME ALL ABOUT ASPEN.
- HEY. MET A GREAT GUY FOR YOU.

- NO KIDDING. WHAT'S HE DO?
- KISSES WIVES.

- WHAT?
- THE REST OF THE TIME
HE'S A SKI INSTRUCTOR,

BUT MOSTLY HE, UH, KISSES WIVES.

JACK, YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL
MARY ABOUT THAT, ARE YOU?

COME ON. YOU TELL ME YOUR SKI
INSTRUCTOR STORIES, I'LL TELL YOU MINE.

WELL, I WAS THREE CHAIRS BEHIND
THEM ON THE LIFT, AND I SAW HIM KISS HER.

WELL, HE TOOK ME BY SURPRISE.

WHAT'D YOU EXPECT ME TO DO? JUMP OFF? I
MEAN, HE JUST GRABBED ME AND KISSED ME.

HUH. WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

AND WHAT DO YOU THINK THOSE SHARP POINTS
ON THE END OF YOUR SKI POLES ARE FOR?

AND YOU THINK THIS KISSING SKI INSTRUCTOR
WOULD BE A PERFECT GUY FOR ME, HUH?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, MAR. I DON'T
KNOW WHAT KIND OF GUYS YOU LIKE.

- YOU NEVER SAID
HOW YOU LIKED ARTHUR.
- ARTHUR WHO?

ARTHUR, THE GUY
WE FIXED YOU UP WITH.

- LAST WEEK.
- OH, RIGHT. ARTHUR.

RIGHT. THE ONE WHO HUMS A LOT.

THAT'S, UH... THAT'S THE
ONE. HOW'D YOU LIKE HIM?

OH, HE WAS, UH, VERY NICE.

THAT'S FUNNY. I
KIND OF LIKE HIM.

LISTEN. I'VE STILL GOT
LOTS OF SINGLE FRIENDS,

AND WE'RE GONNA KEEP TRYING
TILL WE FIND THE RIGHT ONE.

GOOD. YOU HANG IN THERE.
I'M PULLING FOR YOU. [Knocks]

AM I TOO LATE FOR
DESSERT? NO. COME ON IN.

NO, NO. SIT DOWN. HOW'D IT GO?

WITH LEONARD YOU MEAN. MMM.

SEE, I HAD A DATE TONIGHT WITH
THIS GUY I WAS GONNA BREAK UP WITH.

- SO, DID YOU?
- NAH. I COULDN'T.

WHY NOT? HE DIDN'T SHOW.

WHERE'S TED? WE'RE
ON THE AIR IN 10 MINUTES.

WELL, HE WENT TO GET A
HAIRCUT OVER TWO HOURS

AGO. I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S TAKING HIM SO LONG.

MAYBE HE'S TRYING TO FIND A
BARBER WHO GIVES LOLLIPOPS.

- THE RATINGS CAME IN.
- HOW ARE THEY THIS MONTH?

THE QUESTION SHOULD BE,
"WHERE ARE THEY THIS MONTH?"

AH. LISTEN.

IF TED DOESN'T SHOW UP, I THINK
WE'LL TRY A LITTLE EXPERIMENT.

GO ON THE AIR WITHOUT HIM, AND SEE
IF DEAD AIR DOES BETTER THAN HE DOES.

[Door Closes]

OH.

- WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?
- TED, IT'S TERRIFIC.

WOULD YOU BUY A USED
CHARIOT FROM THIS MAN?

HAD MY HAIR STYLED.
HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, MAR?

WELL, TED, IT'S JUST... IT'S...

I THINK SO TOO. LOOK AT THIS.

NOTICE HOW IT ALL FALLS
NATURALLY BACK INTO PLACE?

OH, YEAH. EVERYTHING
BUT YOUR EYES.

TED, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU WOULD
SPEND MONEY TO HAVE YOUR HAIR STYLED.

AH, WHEN YOU'RE A BIG CELEB YOU
CAN WORK THESE THINGS OUT, YOU KNOW.

I TOLD HIM I'D PLUG HIS
BARBERSHOP ON THE NEWS.

OH, WELL, TED, I'M SORRY,
BUT I CAN'T LET YOU DO THAT.

OH, SURE YOU CAN.

OF COURSE, I DIDN'T
TELL HIM HE'D HAVE TO BE...

ROBBED, BURNED DOWN OR
PICKETED BEFORE I COULD DO IT.

[Door Opens]

WELL... [Clears Throat]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF
YOUR NEW ANCHORMAN?

THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE HERE.

YOU CAN'T BELIEVE THE
JERK WE'VE HAD UP TO NOW.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY, LOU.

TED, YOU'RE ON THE AIR IN
FOUR MINUTES. I KNOW. I KNOW.

MARY, IF YOUR CAR'S STILL IN THE GARAGE,
I'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT AFTER THE SHOW.

THANKS ANYWAY, MURRAY, BUT I HAVE A
DINNER DATE. YEAH? A NEW BOYFRIEND?

NO, NO. AN OLD COUPLE.

HMM. FOSTERS ARE PICKING ME UP.

TED.

I'LL BE THERE IN PLENTY OF TIME.

HAVE I EVER MISSED A SHOW?

NO.

EXCUSE ME. IS THIS WHERE
I'LL FIND MARY RICHARDS?

JACK! HELLO, MARY.

- [Mary] GIVE ME JUST A SECOND.
- ALL RIGHT.

TED, GOOD FRIENDS
SOMETIMES HUG EACH OTHER.

OF COURSE, YOU'D HAVE
NO WAY OF KNOWING THAT.

YOU MUST BE JACK FOSTER.
I'M MURRAY SLAUGHTER.

HI. NICE TO MEET YOU. LOU GRANT.

LOU. HI.

THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S ME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE SO EARLY? YOU
WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO PICK ME UP UNTIL 7:00.

OH, NO? OH, WELL, IT'S BEEN
ONE OF THOSE DAYS, MARY.

SEE, THE THING IS. I
DON'T KNOW IF I CAN GET

AWAY EARLY. GO AHEAD.
I'LL COVER FOR YOU.

OH. THANK YOU, MR. GRANT.

WHERE'S LINDA? DOWNSTAIRS? NO.

OH, IS SHE GONNA MEET
US AT THE RESTAURANT? NO.

SHE'S NOT SICK OR
ANYTHING, IS SHE?

NO, NO. SHE'S FINE. JUST FINE.

IT'S JUST THAT, UH,
WE'RE SEPARATED.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU AND LINDA AREN'T
GONNA BE ABLE TO WORK THIS THING OUT.

- I KNOW.
- HIYA.

RHODA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

MARY, YOU SHOULD NEVER GO OUT
AND LEAVE YOUR BATHTUB RUNNING.

OH, NO. I DID?

NO, I DID. BUT, UH, IT
DRIPPED THROUGH A LITTLE.

BUT I MOPPED IT ALL
UP, SO DON'T WORRY.

GEE, IF I KNEW MARY WAS HAVING COMPANY
I WOULD HAVE USED MY GOOD SPONGE MOP.

HUH. SO, JACK, I SEE YOU FOUND
THE RIGHT GUY FOR MARY AT LAST.

- UH, RHODA...
- AND YOU... YOU'RE NOT SO DUMB, KID.

YOU PICK A GREAT COUPLE
FOR FRIENDS SO YOU'RE

RIGHT THERE WHEN THE
HUSBAND'S AVAILABLE.

- N-NO. RHODA, LISTEN.
- SO, WHERE IS LINDA, YOU TWO?

- I'M NOT SURE.
- OH!

OH?

[Gasps] OH! OH. WHY
DIDN'T YOU HIT ME?

[Mutters]

I... I AM SO SORRY.
REALLY. I COULD DIE.

I COULD JUST DROP
DEAD ON THIS VERY SPOT.

I... I REALLY... SHE
DIDN'T KNOW. I KNOW.

HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW.

[Door Closes] WOULD YOU LIKE SOME
COFFEE? IT'LL JUST TAKE A MINUTE.

THEN WE CAN TALK SOME MORE. NO. THANKS.
I'VE GOT AN EARLY TENNIS GAME TOMORROW.

OH? WITH MY LAWYER.

OH, JACK. NO. HAS IT GONE THAT FAR THAT
YOU HAVE TO PLAY TENNIS WITH YOUR LAWYER?

I... I GUESS IT HAS.

WELL, I JUST FEEL TERRIBLE. I WISH
THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD SAY OR DO.

YOU, LINDA. AH, IT'S ENOUGH
THAT YOU CARE, MARY.

OH, I DO. YOU KNOW,

I'M GLAD WE HAD DINNER
TOGETHER LIKE THIS TONIGHT.

ME TOO. AND I'M SURE YOU GUYS
ARE GONNA BE ABLE TO WORK IT OUT.

YOU'RE BOTH TOO GOOD
TO LET THIS HAPPEN.

THANKS, MAR. YOU'RE
A GOOD FRIEND.

YOU TOO. WELL.

WELL.

OH, BOY. YOU...

YOU REALLY KNOW YOU'RE SEPARATED
WHEN YOU'RE AFRAID TO HUG YOUR FRIEND.

NOW COME ON, MARY.
YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S SILLY.

IT'S SILLY.

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY BOTHERS
ME? THEY'RE SEEING THEIR LAWYERS.

NOW I'M AFRAID THEY
WON'T GET BACK TOGETHER.

WELL, IT ALL DEPENDS ON
HOW GOOD THE LAWYER IS.

IF HE'S REALLY GOOD,
THEY DON'T HAVE A CHANCE.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S
TRUE, ISN'T IT? MM-HMM.

OH, MY COUSIN. OOH, HE WAS
THE GREATEST DIVORCE LAWYER.

HE USED TO CHASE CARS WITH
"JUST MARRIED" ON THE BACK.

UH, TERRIFIC, RHODA. I AM REALLY
UPSET, AND YOU'RE MAKING JOKES.

MARY, I'M ONLY
DOING THIS, DEAR GIRL,

BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE
TENDENCY OF TAKING THESE

THINGS LIKE THEY'RE
THE END OF THE WORLD.

AND THEY'RE NOT. I'M
NOT GONNA SAY ANY MORE.

THE NEXT THING I WAS GONNA
SAY WOULD REALLY SHOCK YOU.

AH, GEE, RHODA. I
KIND OF DOUBT THAT.

ALL RIGHT. HERE IT
GOES. YOUR FRIEND, JACK...

- YES.
- FORMERLY OF JACK AND LINDA...

MMM. IS GONNA CALL YOU
UP AND ASK YOU FOR A DATE.

NO! MORGENSTERN PREDICTS.

I WOULDN'T GO OUT WITH HIM. NO. I
KNOW. NOT ON A DATE YOU WOULDN'T.

BUT IF HE ASKED YOU OUT TO DISCUSS
HIS MARRIAGE, WOULD YOU DO THAT?

- WELL, OF COURSE I WOULD.
- THAT WILL BE YOUR FIRST DATE.

- WELL, I'VE ALREADY DONE THAT.
- AHA! I'M ONE FOR ONE!

[Rings]

HELLO?

OH, HI, JACK.

WELL, I'M FINE, THANK
YOU. HOW... HOW ARE YOU?

OH, LISTEN. I'M GLAD
WE HAD THAT TALK TOO.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

OH, JACK. THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

LINDA WILL LOVE IT.

HOW COULD ANYONE SAY
NO TO DINNER AND ROSES?

ME?

UH, WELL, OKAY. SURE. UH,

8:00 WILL BE JUST... JUST FINE.

BYE.

WELL, THE REASON...

THAT I SAID YES TO GOING OUT WITH HIM IS
BECAUSE HE WANTS TO SEE ME AS A FRIEND.

I UNDERSTAND THAT.

NOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR
MORGENSTERN'S NEXT PREDICTION?

NO!

BUT, LEON. I DID MENTION YOUR
BARBERSHOP LAST NIGHT ON THE SHOW.

RIGHT BEFORE THE
REVOLUTION IN SOUTH AMERICA.

YOU PROBABLY JUST MISSED IT.

YOU SAW THE WHOLE SHOW, HUH?

WELL, I THOUGHT I DID.
LOOK, I'LL DO IT TONIGHT.

LEON, I SAID I'D PLUG YOUR
SHOP. I'LL PLUG YOUR SHOP.

JUST DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, LEON.

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU WORKING
ON, MURR? OH, A STORY

ABOUT A MEETING OF ALL
THE ARAB CHIEFS OF STATE.

ANY CHANCE OF WORKING THE
NAME LEON SILVERMAN INTO THAT?

HI, MAR.

GOOD FRIENDS LIKE
US SOMETIMES DO THAT.

NO, THEY DON'T, TED.

NOT EVER AGAIN.

MARY, YOU SEE THIS TIE
I'M WEARING? YES, SIR.

UH, JANEY GAVE IT TO ME,

AND I HAVEN'T HAD
THE NERVE TO WEAR IT.

BUT I'M HAVING LUNCH WITH HER
TODAY, AND I THINK I OUGHT TO.

BUT... WELL, I DON'T KNOW
IF I CAN GO THROUGH WITH IT.

UH, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WELL, MR. GRANT.
I LIKE IT. YEAH?

LOOK. IT'S BRIGHT. IT'S
WIDE. RIGHT IN STYLE. YEAH.

I GUESS EVERYBODY LIKES IT. IF ONLY
SOMEBODY WOULD SAY THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT.

I DON'T LIKE IT, LOU.

I THINK IT'S REALLY HIDEOUS.

MY DAUGHTER BOUGHT ME THIS TIE.

OH.

LET ME LOOK AT IT AGAIN, LOU.

MAYBE UNDER ANOTHER LIGHT.

HEY, MURRAY. CAN I ASK YOU
SOMETHING? SURE. ANYTHING.

WOULD YOU SAY YOU AND
MARIE HAVE A GOOD MARRIAGE?

IS THAT YOUR QUESTION, OR DID MY
WIFE LEAVE A MESSAGE WHILE I WAS OUT?

NO. IT'S MY QUESTION.

OH. WELL, I GUESS
IT'S A GOOD MARRIAGE.

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, I
ALSO THINK THIS IS A GOOD JOB.

WHY?

OH, I DON'T KNOW. I JUST... IT'S GOOD TO
KNOW THERE ARE SOME GOOD MARRIAGES LEFT.

YEAH. I CAN ONLY THINK OF ONE THING
THAT COULD MAKE US GET DIVORCED.

WHAT? IF SHE INVITED
TED FOR DINNER.

BOY, EVERYBODY TAKES
DIVORCE SO LIGHTLY.

WELL, IT'S NOT SO RARE,
MARY. IT HAPPENS A LOT.

HEY, TED. REMEMBER THAT SHOW WE
DID, UH, LAST WEEK ON THE DIVORCE?

DID YOU REMEMBER
THE STATISTICS...

WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN, MURR?

I ALMOST ASKED TED A QUESTION.

- GO AHEAD, MURRAY. ASK ME.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT, TED.

- ASK ME, PLEASE.
- WELL,

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT NIGHT
WE DID THE SHOW ON DIVORCE?

YES.

MARY, WHY ALL THIS
SUDDEN INTEREST IN

DIVORCE? ARE YOU PLANNING
ON GETTING MARRIED?

NO, NO. BUT MY FRIENDS, THE
FOSTERS, ARE SPLITTING UP,

AND, WELL, LAST NIGHT
I WAS OUT WITH JACK...

- OH, YOU WERE OUT WITH JACK.
- NO, MURRAY. I WASN'T OUT WITH JACK.

I WAS OUT WITH JACK.

- HI THERE.
- LINDA.

I KNOW IT'S LUNCHTIME, BUT I TOOK
A CHANCE YOU MIGHT BE HERE. LINDA.

WELL, LINDA. WELL, HI.

GEE. I'M GLAD YOU DID, AND, WELL, NOW
THAT YOU MENTION IT, HOW ABOUT LUNCH?

GEE, I CAN'T. I SHOULD
BE AT WORK NOW.

UH-HUH. WELL, YOU
WANT TO HAVE LUNCH OR...

I CAN'T. RIGHT. YOU SAID THAT.

BUT, MARY, THERE IS
SOMETHING I WANTED TO TELL YOU.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

I'LL CHECK THE WIRE AND SEE IF ANYTHING
BROKE ON THE LEON SILVERMAN STORY.

GOOD.

IT'S ABOUT JACK AND
ME. OH, LINDA, I KNOW.

YOU'RE SEPARATED. IT WAS THE
SHORTEST SEPARATION ON RECORD.

OH, LINDA, THAT'S GREAT. I
KNEW IT WOULD WORK OUT.

WELL, IT DID. WE'RE
GETTING DIVORCED.

IS THAT FOR SURE? YEAH.

MARY, I WAS TIRED OF
BEING A HOUSEWIFE.

I HAVE MY OWN IDENTITY. I WANT
TO FULFILL MYSELF IN OTHER WAYS.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

FIRST, I'M GOING TO
START DATING AGAIN.

HEY. HAVE YOU MET
ANYONE INTERESTING LATELY?

UH, WELL, YEAH, BUT, UH,
YOU WOULDN'T LIKE HIM.

OH. WELL, IF I MEET SOMEBODY, MAYBE
WE CAN GET TOGETHER. SURE, SURE.

AND LET'S KEEP IN
TOUCH AND... RIGHT.

I'LL TALK TO YOU SOON. OKAY.

BYE. BYE.

YOU KNOW, MARY, I LOVE
SITTING NEXT TO YOU.

THE GUY WHO USED TO SIT AT THAT
DESK ONLY TALKED ABOUT CRABGRASS.

YOU ARE SO UPTIGHT ABOUT JACK.

OKAY. I KNOW YOU AND PROBABLY
EVERYBODY ELSE THINKS I'M REALLY STUPID.

YES. IT'S BEEN FIVE WEEKS. JACK'S
NOT UPSET, LINDA'S NOT UPSET,

BUT, ME, I AM UPSET.

WELL, LIKE THEY ALWAYS SAY: IN A DIVORCE,
IT'S THE LITTLE ONE WHO GETS HURT MOST.

I KNOW. IT'S
SILLY, ISN'T IT? YES.

NO, IT'S NOT. RHODA, I JUST... I
CAN'T GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN.

TONIGHT IS THE LAST TIME. I JUST DON'T FEEL
RIGHT ABOUT SEEING HIM ON A DATING BASIS.

MARY, WE'VE BEEN
FRIENDS A LONG TIME, RIGHT?

SO I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU
A LITTLE BIT OF ADVICE.

YOU'RE A DUMMY.

YOU THINK IT'S PERFECTLY ALL
RIGHT FOR ME TO GO OUT WITH JACK.

MAR, NOT ONLY DO I THINK IT'S ALL RIGHT,
THE WHOLE WORLD THINKS IT'S ALL RIGHT.

LAWRENCE WELK THINKS IT'S ALL
RIGHT. THEY ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.

IT'S IN THE COURTS. IF YOU DON'T GO
OUT WITH HIM, YOU'RE BREAKING A LAW.

RHODA, IT'S SO HARD TO HAVE A DISCUSSION
WITH YOU. YOU NEVER HAVE AN OPINION.

[Rhythmic Knocking] JACK.

HI, MAR. HELLO, JACK.

HI, RHODA. SORRY
I'M EARLY. HIYA.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
WELL, IT'S 8:00.

I'D BETTER GET UPSTAIRS
AND MAKE MY BED. RHODA.

- YOU MEAN A GIRL LIKE YOU
IS STAYING HOME TONIGHT?
- INCREDIBLE, ISN'T IT?

HEY, RHODA. LISTEN. WHY
DON'T YOU COME WITH US,

HUH? IT WOULD BE ALL
RIGHT, WOULDN'T IT, JACK?

- WELL, SURE.
- NO. I COULD NOT.

OH, COME ON. LOOK. WE'RE
JUST GOING TO DINNER.

- COME ON, RHODA. WE'RE NOT GOING
ANYPLACE EXPENSIVE OR ANYTHING.
- I DON'T KNOW.

- WELL, HOW ABOUT IF WE GO
SOMEPLACE EXPENSIVE?
- THEN I'LL GO.

BOY, WHAT A FANCY RESTAURANT.

I MEAN, EVERYTHING THAT
CAME OUT WAS FLAMING.

INCLUDING THE BUSBOY.

I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT,
RHODA. OH, YEAH. I DID.

BUT YOU KNOW, IT WAS NOT RIGHT THAT
YOU PAID FOR IT. NO, NO, NO. MY PLEASURE.

YOU DIDN'T INVITE ME. MAR
DID. RIGHT, MARY? YEAH.

- SEE? SHE CAN PAY FOR ME.
- COME ON. SIT DOWN.

HOW ABOUT COFFEE?

FINE. I'LL HELP YOU.

WH... WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

I, UH, GUESS SHE FIGURED
WE WANTED TO BE ALONE.

AH, YES. I KNEW I
LIKED THAT GIRL.

MARY, I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOU AND
ME TO BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER.

OH, UH, GOSH, JACK. I DON'T
THINK IT'S TIME FOR THAT.

- NOW, LISTEN.
- NO.

PLEASE, EVEN WHEN LINDA AND I
WERE MARRIED... ABSOLUTELY NOT.

MARY. OKAY.

EVEN THEN, DIDN'T YOU EVER WONDER WHAT
WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU'D MET ME BEFORE?

OH, NO. NO. MAYBE
SOMEBODY LIKE YOU.

YOU KNOW, SORT OF EXACTLY
LIKE YOU, BUT, UH, NOT YOU.

WELL, I'M LIKE ME.

JACK, I JUST DON'T
FEEL RIGHT ABOUT IT.

YOU. LINDA. WHAT IF YOU TWO
GOT BACK TOGETHER AGAIN?

I MEAN, BOY, THERE
WOULD BE A REAL MESS.

I'D... I... I KNOW
WHAT YOU MEAN.

BUT WE WON'T.

LINDA IS GOING OUT. SHE'S
DATING THAT GUY, UH, ARTHUR.

THE HUMMER?

RIGHT.

SO, UH... SO, WHAT
DO YOU WANT TO DO?

YOU KNOW, I JUST FIGURED
OUT WHAT'S BOTHERING ME.

IT'S SO SIMPLE. ALL I HAVE TO DO IS
MAKE SURE THAT LINDA DOESN'T MIND.

OH, BUT... BUT SHE WON'T MIND.

OKAY. I'M GONNA GO SEE
HER TOMORROW, AND...

TOMORROW NIGHT, IF YOU'RE FREE, I
WILL FIX YOU THE MOST FANTASTIC DINNER.

TERRIFIC. MARY, UH,

AS LONG AS YOU'RE GONNA
BE TALKING TO HER, I'D...

I'D LIKE YOU TO ASK
HER SOMETHING FOR ME.

SURE. WHAT?

ASK HER WHAT CLEANER
SHE TOOK MY GRAY SUIT TO.

[Doorbell Rings]

HI, MARY. HELLO, LINDA.

COME ON IN.

WELL, EVERYTHING LOOKS
THE SAME. I THOUGHT IT

WOULD HAVE CHANGED
A LITTLE, BUT IT HASN'T.

- IT'S EXACTLY THE...
- ♪♪ [Humming]

SAME ALMOST.

OH. MARY, YOU REMEMBER
ARTHUR PRICE. HI.

SURE. YES. OF
COURSE. YOU DATED HIM.

RIGHT. YOU USED TO
BE A FRIEND OF, UH...

- JACK'S.
- AND LINDA'S.

WELL, HE STILL IS.

AREN'T YOU, ARTHUR?
GUESS YOU MIGHT SAY THAT.

OH. I DON'T KNOW HOW
YOU EVER LET HIM GET AWAY.

OH, WELL, YOU KNOW.

I'VE GOTTA PICK UP THOSE
TICKETS. BE BACK IN AN HOUR. OKAY.

NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN,
MARY. ♪♪ [Humming] THANK YOU.

OH, MARY. I'VE NEVER
BEEN HAPPIER IN MY LIFE.

OH, LINDA, YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW HAPPY I AM TO HEAR THAT.

I MEAN REALLY HAPPY.

I MEAN SO HAPPY I
WAKE UP HUMMING.

HOW ARE THINGS GOING WITH YOU?

HOW'S THAT NEW
GUY YOU MENTIONED?

UH, WELL, IT'S FUNNY YOU
SHOULD ASK THAT, 'CAUSE, UH,

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S
WHY I'M HERE, UH...

OH. LOOK, I KNOW YOU WON'T MIND,

BUT, WELL, YOU KNOW ME.

DUMB OLD MARY. SUPERCAUTIOUS.
HAS TO GET PERMISSION.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE
THAT IT'S OKAY WITH YOU IF I SEE JACK.

SO IT'S OKAY WITH YOU, ISN'T IT?

NO.

WHAT? I DON'T WANT
YOU TO DATE HIM.

BUT... BUT YOU JUST SAID...
I KNOW WHAT I JUST SAID.

AND AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
JACK CAN DATE ANYONE HE WANTS...

A COCKTAIL WAITRESS, A
SECRETARY, A BUNNY... BUT NOT YOU.

UH, WELL, WHY NOT ME?

BECAUSE I SAY SO.

OH. WELL, I... I SEE.

UH, WHAT ABOUT
AFTER THE DIVORCE?

NO.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT IF YOU
AND ARTHUR GOT MARRIED?

NO.

WELL, UH, LOOKIT. UM, AFTER
YOU AND ARTHUR ARE MARRIED,

THEN YOU CAN'T TELL
ME "NO" ANYMORE.

AND, UH, WHERE'S
JACK'S GRAY SUIT?

[Rhoda, Knocking] MARY.

YEAH. MARY. OH, MARY.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
NIGHT OF MY LIFE.

I WON'T BE ABLE TO BELIEVE IT WAS
REAL UNLESS I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT IT.

SIT DOWN AND TELL ME
ABOUT IT. I THOUGHT YOU

WENT OUT WITH LEONARD
TO BREAK UP WITH HIM.

YEAH, I DID. OH. WE HAD
THE MOST GORGEOUS DINNER.

CANDLELIGHT, SOFT MUSIC,
DANCING. IT WAS JUST TERRIFIC.

REALLY. WELL, THEN, YOU
DIDN'T BREAK UP WITH HIM.

NO, I DID. AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

I MEAN, ALL THE CHEMISTRY WAS
THERE. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

UH, WE WEREN'T KIDDING
EACH OTHER OR OURSELVES.

WE KNEW WE'D NEVER
SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN. OH.

WELL, YOU CERTAINLY LOOK HAPPY.

OH, WELL, SURE.

IT'S THAT SPECIAL GLOW A GIRL
GETS WHEN SHE'S NOT IN LOVE.

[Rings]

HELLO? OH, HI.

WELL... NO. I JUST DON'T
THINK WE SHOULD GO OUT.

LOOK, YOU KNOW WHY.
LINDA WOULD BE VERY UPSET.

NO. REALLY, I JUST WISH
YOU WOULDN'T CALL AGAIN.

THANK YOU. GOOD-BYE, ARTHUR.

ARTHUR?

[Mews]