Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 3, Episode 9 - Farmer Ted and the News - full transcript

Ted refuses to sign his standard new contract as he wants a raise, which irks not only Lou, but also Mary and Murray, the latter who is already angry at what Ted probably makes compared to him. Ted even tries to bribe Mary to talk to Lou on his behalf. But when Ted brings in his new agent, an elderly and seemingly sweet woman named Bella Swan, to discuss the contract with Lou, Lou agrees to the one demand that Bella has: to remove the non-exclusivity clause from the contract so that Ted is able to pursue other work in the entertainment field, such as, as Bella describes, movies and Broadway. Lou, Mary and Murray have a good laugh about Ted's potential, or lack thereof, for work in these fields. But Ted and Bella may have the last laugh when Ted does pursue other entertainment themed work, namely in local television commercials where Ted is asked to do things that are not as dignified as a news anchor should be. The last straw for Lou, Mary and Murray is when one of these commercials airs during the newscast. Lou, feeling behind the eight-ball, has to come up with a way to make Ted stop doing the commercials within the bounds of the signed contract.

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♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

MARY, HOW DOES THIS SOUND?

UH, "MEMO TO TED BAXTER FROM MURRAY
SLAUGHTER, REGARDING LAST NIGHT'S SHOW.



"DEAR TED: WHEN YOU FINISH WITH ONE
PAGE OF THE SCRIPT, PLEASE TURN IT OVER.

"THIS HANDY HINT WILL PREVENT THE
RECURRENCE OF LAST NIGHT'S EMBARRASSMENT...

WHEN YOU READ THE
SAME PAGE TWICE."

WHAT DO YOU THINK? I THINK YOU
REALLY EARNED YOUR PAYCHECK THIS WEEK.

[Sighs] MARY... MM.

UH, MARIE AND I WERE
TALKING THE OTHER NIGHT, UH,

AS WE WERE LAYING IN BED
ABOUT 3:00 IN THE MORNING

HAVING ONE OF THOSE
CASUAL CONVERSATIONS...

ABOUT HOW TO
SURVIVE ON MY SALARY,

AND SHE ASKED ME A QUESTION I COULDN'T
ANSWER, SO, UH, I THOUGHT I'D ASK YOU.

OH. WELL, WHAT IS IT?

UH, HOW MUCH...
MONEY DOES TED MAKE?

OH, WELL, MURRAY, I DON'T
THINK I CAN TELL YA THAT.

[Sighs] THAT'S EVEN
MORE THAN I THOUGHT.



SEE YOU IN TWO WEEKS, GIRLS.

HI, MAR. HI, TED. UH,
WHO WERE THOSE LADIES?

THEY'RE MY GROUPIES.

THEY'RE OFFICERS OF THE TED
BAXTER FAN CLUBS INTERNATIONAL. OH.

CARE FOR A COOKIE?
OH, GEE, I DON'T THINK SO.

KIND OF A FUNNY
SHAPE, AREN'T THEY?

WELL, THAT'S MY FACE.

THE GIRLS HAD A SPECIAL COOKIE
CUTTER MADE IN MY PROFILE.

OH. WELL, UH, IT'S SORT OF LIKE
ANIMAL CRACKERS, THEN, AREN'T THEY?

RIGHT. WHAT CAN I
DO FOR YOU, MAR?

WELL, UH... UH,
HERE YOU GO, TED,

AND WHILE I'M HERE, MR. GRANT WANTS
YOU TO SIGN YOUR CONTRACT RENEWAL.

OOP, SORRY, MAR. NO CAN DO. I'M
NOT GONNA SIGN IT. [Clears Throat]

WHAT? I'M TIRED OF
BEING MR. PUSHOVER.

I'VE BEEN TAKEN
ADVANTAGE OF LONG ENOUGH.

THIS YEAR IT'S GONNA BE DIFFERENT.
I WANT WHAT'S COMIN' TO ME.

TED, MR. GRANT IS GONNA BE VERY UPSET IF I
DON'T COME BACK WITH YOUR SIGNED CONTRACT.

WELL, TOUGH TOENAILS.

JUST BECAUSE TED
BAXTER'S A PUSSYCAT...

IS NO REASON WHY EVERYONE
SHOULD TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HIM.

TED, PLEASE DON'T DO
SOMETHING YOU'RE GONNA

BE SORRY FOR LATER.
JUST SIGN THE CONTRACT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I
THINK OF THIS CONTRACT?

THAT'S WHAT I THINK
OF THIS CONTRACT.

TED, THIS IS YOUR CONTRACT.

THEN WHAT'S THIS? THAT
WAS YOUR PAYCHECK.

[Knocking]

COME IN.

- HIYA, MARY.
- [Laughs] HIYA, TED.

JUST DRIVIN' THROUGH THE
NEIGHBORHOOD. THOUGHT I'D DROP IN.

UH-HUH. [Chuckles]
OH, YOU'RE NOT MARY.

YOU'RE RITA.

NO, TED. I'M NOT RITA. I'M
RHODA. OH, OF COURSE.

I'M ALWAYS GETTING YOU AND RITA
CONFUSED. YOU LOOK SO MUCH ALIKE.

I BET A LOT OF PEOPLE DO THAT.

MARY!

TED, HI. WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE? HI, MAR.

WELL, I'M JUST, UH, DRIVIN' THROUGH
THE NEIGHBORHOOD. I THOUGHT I'D DROP IN.

I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED ABOUT THE WAY
MY CONTRACT NEGOTIATIONS ARE GOING.

UH, WHAT NEGOTIATIONS?
MR. GRANT WON'T TALK ABOUT IT.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT
I'M CONCERNED ABOUT.

MARY, LOOK, YOU'RE
ON THE INSIDE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE TOP FIGURE I
CAN GET? TED, I THINK YOU'RE GETTING IT.

WELL, THAT GIVES
ME A ROUGH IDEA.

LOOK, I WAS THINKING
MAYBE YOU COULD USE YOUR

INFLUENCE WITH LOU
AND HELP ME GET A RAISE.

TED, I REALLY DON'T
THINK I CAN DO THAT.

OH, SURE YOU CAN. LOU
RESPECTS YOUR OPINION.

I BET IF YOU TOLD HIM YOU THOUGHT I SHOULD
GET MORE MONEY, WHY... WHY, HE'D DO IT.

I... I KNOW HE WOULD.

TED, ARE YOU... BRIBING ME?

WHY, NO. DOES THAT
LOOK LIKE A BRIBE, RHODA?

MAYBE IN MINNEAPOLIS.
NOT IN NEW YORK.

TED, I CAN'T TAKE THIS
MONEY. NONSENSE. IT'S A GIFT.

TED... NO. JUST THINK OF IT AS A
SMALL TOKEN OF MY APPRECIATION...

FOR ALL THE THINGS
YOU'VE DONE IN THE PAST

AND, UH, FOR WHAT YOU
MAY DO IN THE FUTURE.

TED, I CANNOT TAKE THIS MONEY. MARY,
IT'S JUST A GIFT. JUST BETWEEN FRIENDS.

JUST MY WAY OF SAYIN',
UH, THANKS A LOT, KIDDO.

YOU'RE A GREAT LITTLE GAL.

FORGOT MY COAT.

TED, I AM NOT GONNA
TALK TO MR. GRANT.

OH.

[Knocking] COME IN.

LOU, I WANNA TALK TO
YOU ABOUT MY CONTRACT.

YOU READY TO SIGN IT? NO.

THEN I DON'T WANNA TALK TO YOU.

ALL RIGHT, LOU. IF YOU WON'T TALK
TO ME, YOU CAN TALK TO MY AGENT.

YOU'VE GOT AN
AGENT? THAT'S RIGHT.

OH. WELL, IN THAT CASE, I WON'T
TALK TO YOU OR YOUR AGENT.

AW, COME ON, LOU.

JUST TALK TO HER. SHE'S
RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR. SHE?

LOU, HOW'S IT GONNA LOOK... MY VERY
FIRST AGENT AND YOU WON'T EVEN TALK TO HER.

TED, I AM NOT TALKING
TO YOUR AGENT! SHH.

PLEASE, LOU. YOU DON'T WANT
TO EMBARRASS ME, DO YOU?

[Whispering] TED, I AM NOT
TALKING TO YOUR AGENT.

WELL, THEN JUST GIVE ME A
RAISE. JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE RAISE.

YOU WON'T HAVE TO TALK TO HER. I'LL
FIRE HER. WHAT HAS SHE EVER DONE FOR ME?

LOU, I'M NOT ASKING FOR A LOT,
JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE MONEY.

LOU, I'M... NOT
GETTIN' ANY YOUNGER.

I GOTTA MAKE IT
NOW, WHILE I CAN.

PRETTY SOON IT'S GONNA
BE ALL OVER FOR ME:

GRAY, OLD MAN OUT IN
THE COLD, ALONE, HUNGRY,

NO ONE TO TURN TO,

STOPPING STRANGERS
IN THE STREET...

"BUDDY, CAN YOU SPARE A DIME?"

TED... YES, LOU?

SEND IN YOUR AGENT. THANKS,
LOU. I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU FOR THIS.

TED. YEAH.

YOU GROVEL GREAT. THANKS.

BELLA?

LOU, I WANT YOU TO MEET
MY AGENT, BELLA SWANN.

BELLA, LOU GRANT. SO NICE
TO MEET YOU, MR. GRANT.

NICE MEETING YOU, MISS
SWANN. WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

CAN I GET YOU
SOMETHIN' TO DRINK?

WELL, A HOT CUP OF TEA WOULD BE
NICE. I'LL SEE IF I CAN DIG SOME UP.

NOW BRING THAT CHAIR
RIGHT OVER NEXT TO ME, DEAR.

DO YOU THINK WE COULD
GET A CUP OF NICE, HOT TEA?

- AND A GLASS OF MILK FOR TEDDY.
- AND A GLASS OF MILK. THANKS.

YOU KNOW, MR. GRANT, I'VE KNOWN
TEDDY SINCE HE WAS A LITTLE BOY. REALLY?

[Chuckling] YES. HE WAS
SUCH A CUTE LITTLE BOY.

HE USED TO RUN AROUND WITH
THIS LITTLE, UM, STUFFED BEAR. AH.

- WOULDN'T GO ANYWHERE
WITHOUT IT. [Laughs]
- [Chuckles]

NOW, WHAT WAS IT YOU USED
TO CALL IT, TEDDY? FUFFY.

OH, OF COURSE. FUFFY.

FUFFY!

- [Knocking]
- COME IN.

TEA AND MILK.

WHO IS THE TEA FOR? GUILTY.

THANK YOU. AND
WHO IS THE MILK FOR?

IF I'D HAVE KNOWN IT WAS FOR YOU,
TED, I WOULD HAVE PUT SOME BOSCO IN IT.

NOW, MISS SWANN, I THINK
YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT

I DO NOT INTEND TO GIVE
TED ANY MORE MONEY.

OH, WE DON'T WANT ANY MORE MONEY,
MR. GRANT. WE WANT OUR FREEDOM.

- YOU DO?
- WE DO.

UH, EXCUSE ME, LOU. I WANNA HAVE A
LITTLE CONFERENCE WITH MY AGENT.

OH... [Whispering, Indistinct]

UH-HUH. ALL RIGHT. NOW
DON'T WORRY, TEDDY.

JUST, UH, FINISH
DRINKING YOUR MILK.

NOW, MR. GRANT, I'VE
GONE OVER TEDDY'S

CONTRACT, AND I FIND
THERE'S A CLAUSE IN IT...

THAT SAYS HE'S NOT FREE
TO DO OTHER KINDS OF WORK.

- SUCH AS?
- OH, WELL, UH, MOTION PICTURES,
BROADWAY, THINGS LIKE THAT.

OH, THAT CLAUSE.

NOW ALL WE'RE ASKING IS THAT CLAUSE
BE STRICKEN FROM THE CONTRACT.

TED'S GONNA GET A RAISE. I
KNOW HE'S GONNA GET A RAISE.

MURRAY, TED IS NOT
GOING TO GET A RAISE.

MR. GRANT ISN'T ABOUT TO...

THANKS A LOT, LOU. I
SURE DO APPRECIATE IT.

I KNEW IT. HE GOT IT! I KNEW IT. NICE
DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU, MR. GRANT.

SAME HERE, MISS SWANN. BELLA.

BELLA. HE GOT A RAISE. I
KNEW HE'D GET A RAISE.

HE DIDN'T GET A
RAISE. HE DIDN'T?

YOU SEE? WELL, THEN
WHAT DID HE GET?

ALL I AGREED TO WAS A
NONEXCLUSIVE CONTRACT...

SO THAT TED COULD DO MOVIES,
BROADWAY, THINGS LIKE THAT.

TED? MOVIES?

- [No Audible Dialogue] -
BROADWAY? [Chuckling]

- AND THAT'S ALL
YOU AGREED TO?
- YEAH.

WHO, UH, WOULD WANT
TED TO DO MOVIES?

BROADWAY? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

MOVIES!

THANKS A LOT, LOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU FELL RIGHT INTO OUR TRAP.

[Woman On TV] WELL,
FOR THE LOVE OF MUD.

WHERE AM I SLEEPING,
ON A RACETRACK?

[Man] COME ON. LET'S HAVE IT. WHO
ARE YOU, AND WHERE'D YOU COME FROM?

DON'T RUSH ME, BROTHER.
[Rhoda, Knocking] MAR?

[Mary] YEAH? OH, YOU'RE
WATCHING TV. I'M SORRY.

NO. WAIT. NO, I'VE SEEN
THIS PART THREE TIMES.

THE PART THAT KEEPS GETTING
INTERRUPTED COMES LATER.

OKAY. GOOD, 'CAUSE I'VE GOT SOME
EXCITING NEWS. [TV: Voices Continue]

MARY, D'YOU... CAN I TURN
DOWN THE VOLUME? YEAH, SURE.

I'LL LEAVE THE PICTURE
SO YOU'LL SEE. [Voices Stop]

LISTEN. YOU KNOW THE BIG CORNER
WINDOW DOWN AT THE STORE...

THAT THEY DECORATE
EVERY CHRISTMAS? YEAH.

- TODAY THEY GAVE IT TO ME.
- WELL, CONGRATULATIONS,
I GUESS.

IT'S A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY,
KID, AND HARD WORK.

CHRISTMAS WINDOWS ARE NOT ALL
TINSEL AND GLITTER, YOU KNOW. REALLY.

THE GUY THAT DID IT LAST
YEAR WAS FIRED. WHY?

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT GIFTS
THE THREE WISE MEN BROUGHT?

PORTABLE HAIR DRYER, ELECTRIC GUITAR
AND A PAIR OF FIBERGLASS WATER SKIS.

I THINK I REMEMBER THAT WINDOW. AND DIDN'T
THE MANGER HAVE WALL-TO-WALL CARPETING?

THE WORST. SO, WHAT
ARE YOU GONNA DO?

WELL, I-IT... IT WASN'T
EASY, BECAUSE

EVERYTHING'S BEEN DONE
A HUNDRED TIMES, RIGHT?

BUT I FINALLY CAME UP WITH AN
IDEA THAT I THINK IS TRULY NOVEL.

- YEAH? WHAT?
- SANTA'S WORKSHOP.

- OH.
- I FIGURE IF I DO SANTA'S
WORKSHOP, THEY CAN'T FIRE ME.

YEAH. IT'S, UH, ONE OF
YOUR SAFER NUMBERS.

BUT I'M GONNA HAVE SANTA
SITTING IN HIS CHAIR, RIGHT?

HE'S LAUGHING.
[Imitating Santa] HO, HO, HO.

AND THEN, FROM THE
RIGHT SIDE, IN COMES MRS.

CLAUS... LEAST WE'RE
ASSUMING IT'S MRS. CLAUS.

SHE'S BRINGING HOT
CHOCOLATE. HE LIKES IT, MAR.

THEN, DOWN FRONT IN THE WINDOW THERE'S
THIS ASSEMBLY LINE OF DARLING LITTLE ELVES.

THE FIRST LITTLE ELF TAKES A
HALF-FINISHED TOY, PUTS ON THE HEAD.

HANDS IT TO THE NEXT LITTLE ELF
WHO TAKES IT AND PAINTS ON A SMILE.

HE THEN HANDS IT TO THE NEXT LITTLE
ELF WHO TAKES IT AND PUTS ON HAIR.

HE THEN HANDS IT TO THE NEXT LITTLE ELF
WHO TAKES IT AND PUTS ON LITTLE SHOES.

THEN ALL THE LITTLE ELVES REJOICE
AND THEY CONGRATULATE EACH OTHER.

AND THEN THEY ALL DANCE FOR JOY,

BECAUSE THEY HAVE JUST
BUILT THE FIRST LITTLE GIRL ELF.

AH! [Laughs]

OH, RHODA, THAT'S MARVELOUS.

THAT'S REALLY GONNA BE
SENSATIONAL. YOU THINK S...

HERE COMES THE PART OF THE
MOVIE I'VE BEEN WANTING TO SEE.

LISTEN, IF YOU REALLY
LIKE IT, MAR, I'M GONNA

GO UPSTAIRS AND MAKE
SOME ROUGH SKETCHES.

YOU SHOULD. YEAH.

[High-pitched Voice]
BYE, MAR. GET OUT.

[TV: Voices Resume]

[Announcer] WE'LL BE BACK
TO CHANNEL 6 LATE MOVIE...

AFTER THESE BRIEF COMMERCIAL
ANNOUNCEMENTS. [Groans]

[Ted] GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN. THIS IS TED BAXTER.

FOR YEARS YOU'VE SEEN ME AS ANCHORMAN
OF YOUR FAVORITE NEWS PROGRAM.

WHEN IT COMES TO NEWS, I'VE
ALWAYS GIVEN IT TO YOU STRAIGHT.

TONIGHT, I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU STRAIGHT
ABOUT THE SLICE-RITE METRIC SLICER...

FAMOUS THE WORLD OVER FOR SLICING
ANY TYPE OF FRUIT OR VEGETABLE.

SEE HOW THE BLADE
ADJUSTS TO ANY HEIGHT?

JUST WAIT TILL YOU SEE
HOW THIN I SLICE THIS TOMATO.

LOOK AT THAT. ISN'T THAT THE
THINNEST SLICE YOU'VE EVER SEEN?

WHY, I KNOW ONE LADY IN ST. PAUL, TOOK
HER ALL WINTER TO USE UP ONE TOMATO,

AND SHE WAS FEEDING
A FAMILY OF FIVE.

MR. GRANT? TURN
ON CHANNEL 6 QUICK.

SLICE CARROTS FOR
CREAMING, BEETS FOR PICKLING.

SLICE A WHOLE BUSHEL OF
CUCUMBERS IN LESS THAN 20 MINUTES.

FORGET ABOUT THE FIVE
DOLLARS THEY ALL MAKE YOU

SETTLE FOR. WE'RE
CUTTING THE PRICE IN HALF.

AND TODAY AND TODAY ONLY WE WILL
INCLUDE THIS TRIM-NEAT HAIR TRIMMER.

LIKE THE WAY MY HAIR LOOKS?

I USE MY TRIM-NEAT EVERY NIGHT
BEFORE I DO THE SIX O'CLOCK NEWS.

MINNEAPOLIS-ST. PAUL, CALL THIS
NUMBER: 201-4823, AND CALL RIGHT NOW!

[Rings] YES.

[TV: Chatter] OH, HI,
RHODA. YES! I SAW IT.

WH... RHODA, IT WASN'T FUNNY.

HE'S A NEWSMAN. HE'S
SUPPOSED TO HAVE SOME DIGNI...

RHODA, WILL YA STOP LAUGHING?

WHAT? YES, OPERATOR. I WILL ACCEPT
AN EMERGENCY CALL FROM MR. GRANT.

DID YOU CATCH IT? RIGHT THERE
FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE...

TED BAXTER, MY ANCHORMAN,
SELLING A TOMATO SLICER!

I SAW IT, LOU. WE ALL
LAUGHED, RIGHT? HUH?

"MOVIES, BROADWAY,
THINGS LIKE THAT"?

NOBODY THOUGHT THAT "THINGS LIKE
THAT" MIGHT BE COMMERCIALS, DID THEY?

OH, BOY, DID WE GET
SUCKED IN. [Bangs Heavily]

YOU GOING BOWLING, MR. GRANT?

NO. NO, I'VE BEEN BOWLING, MARY.

IT WAS THE ONLY WAY I COULD
WORK OFF MY ANGER LEGALLY.

WHEN I LOOKED DOWN THAT
ALLEY, EVERY PIN HAD GRAY HAIR...

AND TED'S FACE ON IT.

TROUBLE IS, I GOT SO MAD, I THREW THE
BALL OVER THE PINS AND HIT THE WALL.

MY BEST BALL, AND I BENT IT.

YOU'D THINK WITH THE KIND OF
MONEY WE PAY HIM, THAT'D BE ENOUGH.

MR. GRANT, UH...
BUT NO. NOT TED.

HE'S NOT SATISFIED TO MAKE
$31,000 A YEAR! MR. GRANT...

[Door Slams]

[Slowly, Hoarsely] THIRTY-ONE
THOUSAND DOLLARS.

MURRAY...

[Louder] THIRTY-ONE
THOUSAND DOLLARS?

MURRAY, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT
MAKE? [Shouts] THIRTY-ONE THOUSAND...

HI, MURR. DID YOU CATCH
ME LAST NIGHT ON THE MOVIE?

DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID? HE JUST
REACHED UP AND TORE MY POCKET OFF.

UH, TED, UM, I'M SURE
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

WELL, IT BETTER BE. YOU DON'T JUST TEAR MY
POCKET OFF LIKE THAT AND GET AWAY WITH IT.

TED, EXCUSE ME. I GOTTA SEE
ABOUT MURRAY. GET MY POCKET BACK.

OH, BELLA?

TEDDY.

YES, I THOUGHT THAT SLICER
THING WENT PRETTY WELL MYSELF.

GOT ANYTHING ELSE
LINED UP FOR ME?

OH, A DOG FOOD COMMERCIAL, EH?

WHAT, DO THEY WANT ME TO BE
THEIR SPOKESMAN OR SOMETHING?

OH. WELL, I... I
GUESS I CAN DO THAT.

[Barks] HOW'S THAT?

OH. [Barks In Lower Voice]

WELL... OH, NO. I CAN'T DO THAT.

I'VE GOT MY DIGNITY TO THINK
ABOUT. AFTER ALL, I AM AN ANCHORMAN.

TELL 'EM I'LL BARK,
BUT I WON'T PANT.

MR. GRANT, UH, CAN
I GET YOU ANYTHING?

[Very Quietly] NO.

MR. GRANT, WHAT IS IT?

HMM? WHAT'S WRONG?

OH.

[Sighs] TED BAXTER'S
FINALLY GOT ME.

I'VE GONE OVER HIS
CONTRACT... A DOZEN TIMES.

THERE'S NOTHING I
CAN DO TO STOP HIM.

FIRST IT WAS THAT TOMATO SLICER.

THEN IT WAS THAT COMMERCIAL
FOR THAT WOMAN'S PRODUCT.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT WAS.

I HAD TO ASK MY WIFE
WHAT THEY USED IT FOR.

SHE WASN'T SURE.

[Sighs] MARY, HE'S GOT ME.

MR. GRANT, HOW ABOUT
IF I FIX YOU A NICE DRINK?

YOU HAVEN'T HAD A
NICE DRINK IN DAYS.

MR. GRANT, I'M
WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

[Sighs]

SOMEHOW... BOOZE JUST DOESN'T
TASTE GOOD TO ME ANYMORE.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES...

I THINK I'M LOSING
CONTACT WITH REALITY.

LIKE... LAST NIGHT.

I WAS WATCHING A MOVIE ON TV...

YOU KNOW, TO
TRY... AND FORGET...

AND THIS DOG FOOD
COMMERCIAL CAME ON.

AND I COULD'VE SWORN
I HEARD A DOG BARK...

THAT SOUNDED JUST LIKE TED.

MR. GRANT, ISN'T THERE
ANYTHING I CAN DO? NO.

THE NEWS IS ON. YOU
WANNA WATCH THE NEWS?

I SUPPOSE SO.

I'VE TURNED IT ON VERY SOFTLY.

MR. GRANT, DOESN'T
IT JUST MAKE YA MAD?

I MEAN, WOULDN'T YA LIKE
TO REALLY CHEW TED OUT?

OH, MR. GRANT HAS
GOT TO SNAP OUT OF IT.

HE'S SO... QUIET.

HE HASN'T YELLED AT ANYBODY
IN DAYS. HE'S NOT DRINKING.

THIS IS TERRIBLE.
[Switch Clicks]

[Slowly] THIRTY-ONE
THOUSAND DOLLARS.

[Ted On TV] GOOD EVENING. THIS IS
TED BAXTER AND THE SIX O'CLOCK NEWS.

THE SOVIET UNION ANNOUNCED
TODAY THAT TALKS WITH CHINA...

OVER DISPUTED BORDER
AREAS HAVE BEEN BROKEN OFF.

THIS AND OTHER TOP STORIES OF THE DAY
AFTER THIS BRIEF COMMERCIAL MESSAGE.

♪♪ [Hillbilly]

HOWDY. THIS IS FARMER TED...

COMIN' TO YOU ON BEHALF OF MA
AND PA'S COUNTRY PORK SAUSAGE.

FARMER TED? OH,
NO. NOT ON OUR SHOW!

MMM-MM! [Voice Cracking]
OOH-WEE! THEY'RE GOOD.

MURRAY, WHY DIDN'T WE CHECK THE FILMED
COMMERCIALS BEFORE THEY WENT ON THE AIR?

DOWN-HOME BLEND OF HERBS AND SPICES
FOR A LIP-SMACKIN', FINGER-LICKIN' TREAT.

MMM-MM! REMEMBER, MA AND
PA'S COUNTRY PORK SAUSAGE...

THE SAUSAGE THAT LETS YOU MAKE
A PIG OF YOURSELF. YES, SIRREE, BOB.

MMM-MM!

♪♪ [Resumes]

♪♪ [Ends]

AND NOW THE NEWS.

[Switch Clicks]

MARY! WHEN FARMER
TED FINISHES THE NEWS,

TELL HIM TO MOSEY HIS
KEISTER INTO MY OFFICE.

AND BRING ME SOME ICE!

"BRING ME SOME ICE."
MURRAY, HE'S BACK.

[Knocking] COME IN.

DO YOU WANNA SEE ME, LOU?

COME IN. COME IN, TED.

COME ON. COME ON.

WHAT'S THIS? IT'S A HAIR TRIMMER.
THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE IT.

OH, ISN'T THAT NICE. THANK YOU.

YOU SAVE OVER A HUNDRED DOLLARS A YEAR
ON HAIRCUTS. REALLY? OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

COME ON. SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.

REALLY. THANK YOU.
THAT'S A LOVELY GESTURE.

TED, I'M GONNA GIVE
IT TO YOU STRAIGHT.

- YOU'RE GIVING UP
THOSE COMMERCIALS.
- NO, I'M NOT.

MAYBE I DIDN'T
MAKE MYSELF CLEAR.

I'M ORDERING YOU TO GIVE
UP THOSE COMMERCIALS.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT, LOU. MY
NEW CONTRACT IS NONEXCLUSIVE.

I KNOW. I KNOW, BUT THAT'S
THE WAY IT'S GONNA BE.

WELL, I'M... I'M SORRY,
LOU, BUT... BUT I

HAVE A BIG CAREER AHEAD
OF ME IN COMMERCIALS,

AND... AND YOU'VE GOT NO
LEGAL GROUND FOR STOPPING ME.

TED,

IF YOU DON'T STOP DOING THOSE
COMMERCIALS, I'M GONNA PUNCH YOUR FACE OUT.

WHAT?

I SAID, I'LL PUNCH
YOUR FACE OUT.

[Chuckles] YOU CAN'T
DO THAT. WHY NOT?

WELL, IT'S AGAINST THE
LAW. I'LL HAVE YOU ARRESTED.

BE TOO LATE.

YOUR FACE'LL BE GONE.

IT'S GONNA BE PRETTY HARD FINDING
WORK WITH A BROKEN FACE, TED.

[Laughing] YOU'RE NOT
SERIOUS. ARE YOU?

YOU ARE SERIOUS.

YOU CAN RUN, TED,
BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE.

I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.

I KNOW WHERE YOU EAT.

I KNOW WHERE YOU
DO YOUR LAUNDRY.

AND WHEREVER YOU GO,
I'LL BE WAITIN' FOR YOU.

YOU'RE BLUFFING. I HAVE
A TERRIBLE TEMPER, TED.

YOU WANNA SEE WHAT I
DID TO A BOWLING BALL? NO.

BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO
THINK I'M NOT A REASONABLE MAN.

HOW MUCH DO YOU FIGURE TO
MAKE DOIN' THOSE COMMERCIALS?

BELLA SAID MAYBE 30,000,
40,000 A YEAR. MM-HMM.

I'LL GIVE YOU A RAISE.
TWENTY-FIVE BUCKS A WEEK.

- TWENTY-FIVE BUCKS A WEEK OR...
- I PUNCH YOUR FACE OUT.

SOUNDS REASONABLE. I'LL TAKE IT.

- WELL, GOOD.
- LOU?

HMM? I'M TAKIN' MY
HAIR TRIMMER BACK.

SAY, MAR. I'M HAVING A
PROBLEM WITH MY NEW

PAYCHECK THAT LOU MAY
NOT HAVE ANTICIPATED.

OH? WHAT IS IT? WELL, SINCE I HAVE TO
PAY 10% OF MY SALARY TO MY AGENT NOW,

- I-I'M MAKING LESS THAN I
EVER DID, EVEN WITH MY RAISE.
- A RAISE?

THE RAISE I GOT NOW AMOUNTS TO LITTLE
LESS THAN FIVE PERCENT OF MY SALARY.

A RAISE? HE GOT A RAISE?

- WELL, YEAH, HE DID, MURRAY.
- HE GOT A RAISE!

NOW THAT TIME WAS NO ACCIDENT.

[Mews]