Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Good-Time News - full transcript

♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

ICK. BLECH! [Knocking]

MARY? YES, COME IN. BLECH!



OH, MARY, MARY,
IT WAS A FUN DATE.

OH. FIRST WE WENT TO PLAY MINIATURE
GOLF. THEN OFF TO A PENNY ARCADE.

THEN HE TAKES ME TO THIS
YUGOSLAVIAN RESTAURANT...

AND INSISTS THAT I GUESS
WHAT THE GOAT IS STUFFED WITH.

UNFORTUNATELY, I WAS RIGHT.

HE SOUNDS LIKE A WINNER. RHODA,
WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH 'EM?

WHEN YOU'RE HOT, YOU'RE HOT.

LISTEN, IF YOU'VE BEEN GONE ALL THAT TIME,
HOW COME I DIDN'T GET MORE WORK DONE?

WELL, IT'S ONLY 8:30, KID. WELL, THEN
HOW DID YOU GET THAT MUCH DONE?

WE STARTED OUT AT
3:00 THIS AFTERNOON.

HE HAD A FLIGHT OUT TONIGHT.

- OH, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE DATING A PILOT.
- HE'S NOT A PILOT.

MARY, HE'S A STEWARDESS.

RHODA, THEY'RE CALLED STEWARDS.



I'M NO SEXIST.

MMM! DELICIOUS COFFEE, MAR.

THERE MUST BE A
HUNDRED PAPERS HERE.

LOOKS LIKE A LETTER
FROM MY MOTHER.

NO, IT'S A BIG ANNUAL MEETING
WITH THE STATION MANAGER.

MR. GRANT AND I HAVE
A LOT TO GET READY.

BOY, I HATE THOSE
MEETINGS. YOU NEVER USED TO.

YEAH, WELL, IT USED TO BE I
FELT LIKE I COULD BE MYSELF.

NOW I FEEL I REPRESENT
WOMEN EVERYWHERE.

OH, MARY, THAT'S ALL
IN YOUR HEAD. OH, YEAH?

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF THE STATION MANAGER
KEPT TROTTING IN GROUPS OF PEOPLE...

AND SAYING, "THIS IS
OUR WOMAN EXECUTIVE"?

- WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- OH, USUALLY... [Low Voice] "HI."

HEY, TED, AREN'T YOU
GOING TO THE MEETING?

IS THE POPE CATHOLIC?

I'M SURE HE IS.

I DON'T THINK THE
LAST ONE WAS THOUGH.

SAY, MAR, WHY'D YOU THINK I
WASN'T GOING TO THE MEETING?

OH, I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS
IT'S THE WAY YOU'RE DRESSED.

THIS YEAR I'M NOT
GONNA DRESS UP.

WANNA KNOW THE REASON WHY?

I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

THE ONLY REASON YOU DRESS UP
FOR A MEETING IS IF YOU'RE INSECURE.

TED, I DON'T THINK IT MAKES ANY
DIFFERENCE WHAT YOU WEAR TO THE MEETING.

NEITHER DO I.

I THINK I'LL CHANGE.

WHY IS HE SO CONCERNED
ABOUT WHAT HE'S GONNA WEAR?

WELL, WHEN YOU'RE TED BAXTER, YOU'VE GOTTA
HOPE THAT YOUR CLOTHES LOOK INTELLIGENT.

HEY, UH, MURRAY, GORDY. YEAH?

WOULD YOU SAY THAT I'M DOING,
YOU KNOW, AS GOOD A JOB...

AS THE GUY WHO WAS THE
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER BEFORE ME?

BETTER. HE WAS
TERRIBLE. OH, MUCH BETTER.

[Gordy] YEAH. WELL,
THEN HOW COME...

- HE WAS MAKING $50 A WEEK
MORE THAN I DO?
- HOW DO YOU KNOW HE WAS?

WELL, BECAUSE I WAS JUST GOING OVER THE
OLD BUDGET FOR THE MEETING, AND HERE IT IS.

HE MADE $50 A WEEK MORE.

FIFTY DOL...

YEAH.

FIND ANYTHING
INTERESTING? UH, YES, YES.

MM-HMM. MR. GRANT, I, UH...

LOOK, I'M GONNA
TRY NOT TO, UH...

I WAS JUST SITTING
AT MY DESK, AND, UH...

I DON'T KNOW HOW I
COULD WORK HERE FOR...

YOU KNOW, I REALLY FEEL CONFIDENT
ABOUT THAT MEETING WITH STONEHAM TODAY.

WE HAD A PRETTY GOOD YEAR. GOT A
LIST OF AWARDS HERE THAT WE WON.

OKAY, THEY'RE MICKEY MOUSE
AWARDS, BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT.

ALL RIGHT, THE RATINGS HAVEN'T
BEEN... I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

- WHAT?
- I-I'M UPSET,

AND YOU'RE JUST IGNORING IT.

WELL, I FIGURED IT WAS JUST
ONE OF THOSE WOMAN THINGS.

NO, MR. GRANT, IT'S NOT
ONE OF THOSE WOMAN THINGS.

I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHY THE LAST
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER BEFORE ME...

MADE $50 A WEEK MORE THAN I DO.

OH, BECAUSE HE WAS A MAN.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
UH, THE ONLY REASON...

HE WAS PAID MORE THAN I
AM IS BECAUSE HE WAS A MAN?

OH, SURE. IT HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH YOUR WORK.

WAIT. NO, NO, NO, WAIT
A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

BECAUSE I REALLY... I
WANNA UNDERSTAND THIS.

UH, I'M DOING AS
GOOD A JOB AS HE DID...

BETTER. BETTER!

AND I'M BEING PAID LESS THAN HE
WAS BECAUSE... YOU'RE A WOMAN.

WELL, MR. GRANT, THERE IS NO
GOOD REASON WHY TWO PEOPLE...

DOING THE SAME JOB AT THE SAME
PLACE SHOULDN'T BE MAKING THE SAME...

HE HAD A FAMILY TO SUPPORT.

YOU DON'T.

NOW, WHY DON'T YOU COME BACK
WHEN YOU HAVE AN ANSWER TO THAT.

AHA!

BECAUSE FINANCIAL NEED
HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

BECAUSE IN ORDER TO BE
CONSISTENT WITH WHAT YOU'RE SAYING,

YOU WOULD HAVE TO PAY THE
MAN WITH THREE CHILDREN...

MORE THAN THE MAN WITH TWO CHILDREN,
AND THE MARRIED MAN MORE THAN THE BACHELOR.

AND, MR. GRANT, HUH,
YOU DON'T DO THAT.

SO WHAT POSSIBLE REASON CAN
YOU GIVE ME FOR NOT PAYING ME...

AT LEAST AS MUCH AS THE MAN
WHO HAD THIS JOB BEFORE ME?

SAY, LOU. YES, TED.

OH, I... SORRY, I DIDN'T
KNOW YOU WERE BUSY.

OH, WE'RE NOT. WE'RE
NOT. COME ON IN, TED.

IT'S NOT IMPORTANT. I WAS JUST DECIDING
WHAT TO WEAR FOR THE MEETING. THAT'S ALL.

WELL, I WAS A LITTLE WORRIED
ABOUT WHAT YOU'D WEAR TOO, TED. OH.

YOU WERE? ABSOLUTELY.
WELL, LET'S SEE.

MM-HMM. MM-HMM. MM-HMM.

WELL, WHAT YOU'RE
WEARING LOOKS GOOD TO ME.

WELL, I THOUGHT SO TOO AT FIRST, BUT
NOW I THINK IT'S NEITHER FISH OR NUTS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

HUH?

I'M GONNA GO CHANGE.

MR. GRANT... I'LL HELP YA.

IT'S SO EARLY, I'M SURE
NOBODY WANTS A DRINK.

I WOULDN'T MIND. OH.

LET'S SEE, THAT'S
SCOTCH, RIGHT? RIGHT.

NOW, BEFORE WE GET STARTED,
THERE'S A QUESTION I'D LIKE TO ASK TED.

YES, JACK. TED, WHY ARE
YOU WEARING SNEAKERS?

OH? OH.

WELL, THE REASON
FOR THAT IS THAT I...

LOOK, JACK, I'VE GOT A LOT TO DO, AND
I'D LIKE TO MAKE THIS SESSION A QUICKIE.

UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOUR
COMPLIMENTS TAKE TIME.

LOU, WE'VE GOT MAJOR TROUBLE.

WE HAVE TO MAKE OUR
NEWS MORE INFORMAL.

LISTEN, I'M NOT
GONNA FIRE GORDY...

AND HIRE BACK THAT DIPPY WEATHER
GIRL WITH HER COLORED CRAYONS.

REMEMBER HER? "MR.
SUN IS NOT SMILING TODAY."

I WISH IT WERE THAT SIMPLE, LOU.

I'M TALKING ABOUT A
WHOLE NEW FORMAT HERE.

OUR NEWS HAS TO BE
MORE ENTERTAINING.

HMM. MM-HMM.

UH, NOW... NOW I
KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

GET A GROUP OF GUYS TOGETHER
TO DO FUNNY FEATURE STORIES.

HAVE 'EM KID AROUND WITH EACH
OTHER A LOT. HAVE 'EM LAUGH A LOT.

- THAT'S RIGHT.
- THAT'S ROTTEN.

THAT'S ONE OPINION. LET'S
HEAR FROM SOMEONE ELSE.

UH... UH... [Coughing]

[Coughing Continues]

MARY, YOU'RE ALWAYS SO
QUIET IN THESE MEETINGS.

WELL, NO, I'M NOT
ALWAYS... [Mumbles] WHAT?

NO, I'M NOT ALWAYS SO, SO QUIET.

GOOD. I'D LIKE TO HEAR
YOUR OPINION ON THIS.

IT'LL BE THE SAME AS MINE.

- IS IT, MARY?
- NO.

WELL, IT ISN'T.

[Jack] GO AHEAD. WELL,
I JUST DON'T THINK...

THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG
WITH TRYING TO MAKE THE NEWS MORE...

IN AN ENTERTAININGLY WAY.

EXACTLY.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
NEWS HERE. NEWS.

OUR JOB ISN'T TO
MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.

IT'S TO LET 'EM KNOW
WHAT'S HAPPENING.

I CAN LIVE WITH RATINGS.

WHEN I WAS AN EDITOR, I USED TO
LIVE WITH CIRCULATION NUMBERS.

BUT WHEN THE CIRCULATION WENT DOWN,
WE DIDN'T PUT THE COMICS ON THE FRONT PAGE.

NEWS IS TRUTH, JACK.

AND I'M NOT GONNA MAKE
IT INTO SOMETHING FAKE.

WHY NOT?

WHY NOT? WELL, AFTER ALL, LOU,

THERE'S FAKE AND
THEN THERE'S FAKE.

ANYWAY, I THINK THE
IDEA MARY BROUGHT UP...

IS AN INTERESTING
ONE, AND I AGREE WITH IT.

SO, I THINK WE'D BETTER START
WORKING ON THAT NEW FORMAT, HMM?

OH, I'M SORRY, TED. WE
HAVEN'T HEARD FROM TED YET.

TED? HMM? OH.

OH, THE REASON I'M
WEARING TENNIS SHOES...

IS BECAUSE I'VE GOT A LOT OF
RUNNING AROUND TO DO TODAY.

MR. GRANT, UH, YOU
SHOULDN'T BE HERE. WHY NOT?

WELL, FOR ONE THING, THE NEWS
HAS BEEN ON FOR 15 MINUTES.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I SHOULDN'T JUST SIT
HERE WHILE MY SHOW IS ON THE AIR.

PAT, TURN ON THE SET.

LOOK, MR. GRANT, I JUST... WANTED
TO SAY THAT I'M NOT MAD ANYMORE,

AND I HOPE YOU'RE NOT EITHER.

YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING
TO BE MAD ABOUT. I DO.

I GUESS WE'LL, UH, SEE THAT FILM AS
SOON AS THE, UH, FILM PEOPLE HAVE IT READY.

UH, WE'RE HAVING SOME
TECHNICAL PROBLEMS,

SO I'LL JUST GO RIGHT
ON TO THE NEXT STORY.

UH, JUST A MINUTE. I SEEM
TO HAVE LOST MY PLACE.

PAT, TURN OFF THE SET.

IS THAT THE FORMAT YOU'RE
SO ANXIOUS TO HANG ON TO?

OKAY, OKAY, YOU'RE MAD AT ME BECAUSE
I DISAGREED WITH YOU IN THE MEETING.

NO, I'M MAD AT YOU BECAUSE YOU
SOLD ME OUT FOR 50 BUCKS A WEEK.

MR. GRANT, IF YOU
REALLY BELIEVE THAT,

THEN WE HAVE
NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.

THEN WE HAVE
NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.

OH, I THINK WE HAVE SOMETHING
TO TALK ABOUT, ALL RIGHT.

YOU BETTER BELIEVE WE
HAVE SOMETHING TO TALK...

AND SLIDING AWAY
ISN'T GONNA HELP.

I DON'T SELL PEOPLE
OUT. ESPECIALLY YOU.

ESPECIALLY ME. THAT'S
RIGHT, ESPECIALLY YOU.

WHY ESPECIALLY ME?
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

LOOK, WE CAN'T HAVE A FIGHT
IF YOU SAY THINGS LIKE THAT.

BUT I DO CARE ABOUT YOU. MARY!

AND I KNOW YOU CARE ABOUT ME.
OKAY, OKAY, THE FIGHT'S OVER. YOU WIN.

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY
YOU'RE SO AGAINST HAVING NEWSMEN...

BE A LITTLE LESS
FORMAL ON THE AIR.

OH, YOU MEAN LIKE CHANNEL 6.

YES, LIKE CHANNEL 6.
PAT, TURN ON CHANNEL 6.

GIVE IT A CHANCE. IT MIGHT WORK.

[TV: Man Laughing]

OH, MORE ON THAT
KILLER TYPHOON LATER,

IF OUR WEATHERMAN JERRY WILLIAMS
CAN EVER GET HIS GALOSHES UNBUCKLED.

[Laughing]

AND NOW FOR THE SPECIAL REPORT
ON BELLY DANCING IN THE TWIN CITIES,

ROVING REPORTER JESS HAWKINS,

WHO IS NOW INSERTING A
ZIRCON IN HIS NAVEL. [Laughing]

PAT, TURN OFF CHANNEL 6.

I DIDN'T SAY WE
HAD TO GO THAT FAR.

THAT'S ONE OF THE HIGHEST
RATED NEWS SHOWS IN TOWN.

I AM SURE THAT MR. STONEHAM
MEANT... OH, LISTEN HERE, MARY.

IF JACK STONEHAM
THOUGHT IT MEANT RATINGS,

HE'D HAVE US WEAR FUNNY HATS
AND DRINK OUT OF DRIBBLE GLASSES.

READ THIS.

"TO LOU GRANT,
FROM JACK STONEHAM.

"SOME THOUGHTS
REGARDING OUR NEW FORMAT.

"I THINK THE KEY ELEMENT
IS TO MAKE IT APPEAR...

THAT OUR NEWS TEAM LIKES AND
ENJOYS EACH OTHER AWAY FROM WORK."

SKIP DOWN. SKIP DOWN.

"THIS SPIRIT CAN BE
ACHIEVED"... SKIP, SKIP, SKIP.

"LOU, I CAN UNDERSTAND"...
SKIP, SKIP, SKIP.

"SO I SUGGEST THAT... THAT'S IT.

"SUGGEST THAT YOU DELEGATE
MOST OF THE RESPONSIBILITY...

TO SOMEONE WHO
THINKS LIKE I DO, MARY RI"...

I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU, MARY,

BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW
HOW TO MAKE IT APPEAR...

THAT ANYBODY LIKES
AND ENJOYS TED BAXTER.

MR. GRANT, I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT THAT.

I MEAN, MOST OF THESE NEWS
TEAMS HAVE TWO ANCHORMEN.

SO REALLY ALL WE HAVE TO FIND IS SOMEBODY
WARM AND ENDEARING ENOUGH TO BALANCE TED.

I DON'T THINK BOBBY FISCHER
WANTS TO DO TELEVISION.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT GORDY.

GORDY. YEAH.

YEAH. THEY COMPLEMENT
EACH OTHER PERFECTLY.

ONE'S SHARP, ONE'S DULL.

ONE'S BLACK, ONE'S GRAY.

AND ONE'S NOT TED.

THAT'S IT.

I, UH, GUESS SOMEBODY'S
GONNA HAVE TO TELL TED...

THAT HE'S GONNA HAVE TO
GIVE UP HALF OF THE SHOW.

AND I GUESS YOU
WANT ME TO DO THAT.

NO. WHY SHOULD YOU
GET ALL THE DIRTY WORK?

I'LL DO IT.

LET'S GO.

FIRE IS STILL RAGING THROUGH
THE WAREHOUSE ON BANK STREET.

FIREFIGHTERS ARE DESPERATELY
ATTEMPTING TO STOP THE BLAZE...

BEFORE IT THREATENS
NEARBY OIL STORAGE TANKS.

FIRE OFFICIALS ESTIMATE THE DAMAGE
COULD WELL CLIMB INTO SEVERAL MILLIONS...

OF DOLLARS.

A SENORITA VISITS MINNEAPOLIS.

THAT STORY RIGHT
AFTER THESE MESSAGES.

HEY, LOU. SO HOW YOU DOIN', PAL?

LOU?

TED, WE'LL TRY NOT TO CUT YOUR
PAY WHEN WE DO IT. DO WHAT?

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TWO
ANCHORMEN FROM NOW ON.

THAT MEANS I'LL DO LESS.

THAT'S IT. TWO ANCHORMEN, EH?

WELL, IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TWO ANCHORMEN ON THIS SHOW,

THEN YOU CAN GET YOURSELF
ANOTHER BOY TO TAKE OVER RIGHT NOW.

[Man] TWENTY SECONDS. OKAY.

GORDY.

YEAH, LOU. TEN SECONDS.

I WONDER IF YOU'D
DO ME A FAVOR. SURE.

TED JUST QUIT. HUH?

I WONDER IF YOU'D MIND FINISHING
THE SHOW TONIGHT. OH, NOT AT ALL.

OKAY, HE WAS JUST ABOUT
TO START THE LOPEZ STORY.

OKAY.

THIS IS GORDON HOWARD, FILLING IN
FOR THE... VACATIONING TED BAXTER.

SENORITA ELENA LOPEZ, DAUGHTER
OF MAYOR ENRIQUE LOPEZ...

OF MINNEAPOLIS'S SISTER CITY,
SANTIAGO, CHILE, ARRIVED IN A...

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GORDO,
FOR TAKING OVER FOR ME...

WHILE I, UH, WENT TO
THE, UH, BATHROOM.

[Rhoda, Knocking]
MARY? JUST A MINUTE.

MAR? YEAH.

"TERRIFIC NEWS. COME ON DOWN IF IT
WON'T DEPRESS YOU." JUST A MINUTE.

NOW WHAT TERRIFIC NEWS COULD YOU
POSSIBLY HAVE THAT WOULD NOT DEPRESS ME?

[Garbled] JUST A MINUTE
AND I'LL TELL YOU.

MARY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE NOTES.
I AUTOMATICALLY DROP BY EVERY DAY...

TO SEE WHAT TERRIFIC THING HAPPENED
TO YOU THAT DID NOT HAPPEN TO ME.

SO, WILL YOU PLEASE TELL ME?

OKAY. YOU KNOW THE PLACE
IN THE NEWS WHERE THEY SAY,

"AND NOW, SPEAKING FOR
THE MANAGEMENT OF WJM-TV"...

YEAH, THAT'S WHEN I
TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE.

WELL, GUESS WHO IS SPEAKING FOR THE
MANAGEMENT TONIGHT? YOU'RE KIDDING.

YEAH. HOW COME?

WELL, OUR NEW FORMAT
BEGINS TONIGHT, SEE?

AND THE GENERAL MANAGER ALWAYS
HATED DOING THE EDITORIALS HIMSELF ANYWAY.

AND, WELL, HE'S BEEN UNDER A LOT OF
PRESSURE TO USE WOMEN ON THE AIR, SO...

MARY, IT'S JUST
INCREDIBLE, KID. YEAH.

AREN'T YOU NERVOUS? NO, NO.

I GUESS I'VE BEEN SO
BUSY WITH THE NEW

FORMAT, I JUST HAVEN'T
HAD TIME TO BE NERVOUS.

YEAH, HOW IS THAT
ANYWAY? IS IT GONNA BOMB?

NO, I DON'T THINK SO. YOU KNOW,
I'M NOT SAYING IT'S GONNA BE GREAT,

BUT, UH, I'M REALLY PRETTY SURE
IT'S GONNA BE REALLY NOT AWFUL.

HMM.

THAT GOOD, HUH? WITH,
UH, OLD TED BAXTER?

WELL, SEE, THE MAIN THING IS THAT TED IS
NOT TRYING TO DO ANYTHING ENTERTAINING.

YOU KNOW, HE'S NOT TRYING TO BE FUNNY.
HE'S NOT TRYING TO HAVE ANY PERSONALITY.

SOUNDS GREAT
SO FAR. YEAH, BUT...

WE ARE GETTING ALL
OF THAT FROM GORDY.

IT WAS MY IDEA. OH.

I MEAN, HE IS JUST TERRIFIC. HE'S
RELAXED, HE'S FUNNY, HE'S ENTERTAINING.

AND SO, WELL, THE WHOLE NET
RESULT IS REALLY NOT AWFUL.

WELL, GREAT, MAR. BUT HOW DID YOU
EVER CONVINCE TED TO BE A STRAIGHT MAN?

OH, WELL, SEE, HE DOESN'T
KNOW THAT THAT'S WHAT HE IS.

I MEAN, ALL WEEK LONG
DURING REHEARSALS,

WE'VE BEEN COMPLIMENTING
HIM ON HIS NEW JACKET.

AND THAT SEEMS TO SATISFY HIM.

[Laughing]

BIG NIGHT. YES.

LOOKS GOOD. RIGHT.

GOOD LUCK. THANKS.

TED, IT TAKES A BIG MAN TO DO
WHAT YOU'RE DOING. WELL, I ALWAYS...

JUST EXACTLY WHAT IS IT YOU'RE
REFERRING TO THAT IT TAKES A BIG MAN TO DO?

WELL, I'VE BEEN WATCHING
REHEARSALS ALL WEEK.

I THINK IT'S GREAT THE WAY YOU'VE BEEN
LETTING GORDY KID AROUND WITH YOU.

I REALIZE THAT BEING A
STRAIGHT MAN IS A THANKLESS JOB,

AND I THANK YOU FOR IT.

STRAIGHT MAN? TED, DID I TELL YOU HOW
GREAT YOU LOOK IN YOUR NEW JACKET?

THAT WON'T WORK
ANYMORE, MARY, BUT THANKS.

TED, I'M SURE THAT
MR. STONEHAM MEANT... SHH!

AS I WAS SAYING TO TED... I'M SURE
WHAT HE MEANT BY STRAIGHT MAN WAS...

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE THE HOTTEST
THING TO HAPPEN TO NEWS IN THIS TOWN.

GOOD LUCK. THANK YOU.

WE'LL SEE ABOUT
THAT. TED, PLEASE, NO.

[Man] TEN SECONDS. TED.

GET OUT OF MY WAY, MAR.
I'VE GOT PERSONALITY TOO.

TED, YOU DON'T.

THINK YOU'RE PRETTY
GOOD, EH, GORDO?

WELL, WE'LL SEE WHO'S THE
FUNNY GUY AROUND HERE.

WE'RE ON THE AIR, TED.

I KNOW THAT.

WELL, WE'RE OFF TO A
GREAT START. [TV Continues]

LOU, HAVE YOU GOT TWO GLASSES?
ONLY GOT ONE GLASS, MURRAY.

BUT DON'T WORRY. I DON'T THINK
I'LL BE USING A GLASS TONIGHT.

TODAY IN WASHINGTON,
THE PRESIDENT,

WHILE ADDRESSING A CONVENTION
OF POLISH-AMERICAN BUSINESSMEN,

ANNOUNCED HIS LONG-AWAITED
ECONOMIC REFORM POLICY.

SAY, THAT REMINDS ME, I HEARD
A GREAT NEW POLISH JOKE TODAY.

[Mouthing Words]

YOU SEE, THIS POLISH GUY
CAME HOME TO HIS POLISH WIFE...

A MASSIVE FREEWAY TIE-UP OCCURRED
WHEN A MAN DRESSED IN A BUNNY SUIT,

ON HIS WAY HOME FROM AN
ALL-NIGHT COSTUME PARTY,

GOT OUT OF HIS CAR
TO CHANGE A TIRE.

[Laughs] I WONDER IF A COP CAME ALONG
AND MADE HIM HOP A STRAIGHT LINE?

I DON'T THINK THAT'S FUNNY.

IN ANOTHER DEVELOPMENT IN WASHINGTON
TODAY, THE PRESIDENT SIGNED INTO LAW...

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. THAT'S A
PRESIDENT STORY. THAT'S MINE.

I THINK I'M SUPPOSED
TO DO THAT, GORDY.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE,
TED? I'VE ALREADY STARTED IT.

BUT IT'S A PRESIDENT'S
STORY. I WAS HERE FIRST,

AND I ALWAYS GET THE
PRESIDENT STORIES.

GORDY AND I OFTEN
KID AROUND LIKE THAT.

WHAT IS THIS, LOU?
BOURBON OR SCOTCH?

SCOTCH.

[Mouthing Words]

I WONDER WHAT MARY WANTED.

PROBABLY WANTED TO SEE
HOW WE LIKED HER NEW FORMAT.

AND THAT'S OUR LOOK AT THE NEWEST
RESIDENT OF THE COMO PARK ZOO.

I'VE BEEN HANDED THIS BULLETIN.

"THE MANAGEMENT AT WJM-TV EXTENDS ITS
SINCERE APOLOGIES TO POLISH-AMERICANS...

IN THE HOPES THEY WILL OVERLOOK A
REMARK MADE EARLIER IN THIS NEWSCAST."

WHAT REMARK?

WE'LL BE BACK WITH FURTHER APOLOGIES
FOLLOWING THIS BRIEF COMMERCIAL MESSAGE.

YOU SURE THIS IS SCOTCH,
LOU? IT TASTES LIKE BOURBON.

IT IS. WE RAN OUT OF
SCOTCH 10 MINUTES AGO.

AND NOW SPEAKING FOR THE
MANAGEMENT OF WJM-TV, MARY RICHARDS.

AND I'M SURE AFTER YOU SEE
HER, YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHY I SAY,

MARY, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT IT IS YOU'RE FOR OR

AGAINST, BUT WHATEVER
IT IS, I'M WITH YOU.

THANK YOU, GORDY.

WE'D LIKE TO SPEAK OUT TONIGHT
FOR POPULATION CONTROL.

BETWEEN THE YEARS 1932 AND 1978,

THE POPULATION OF THE
WORLD WILL HAVE DOUBLED.

THAT SHOULD DO SOMETHING
FOR OUR RATINGS, HEY, MAR?

POPULATION EXPERTS AGREE THAT
IF GROWTH CONTINUES AT THIS RATE,

WORLD POPULATION WILL REACH
SEVEN BILLION BY THE YEAR 2000.

HEY, I THINK I'LL GO INTO
THE DIAPER BUSINESS.

WHICH POINTS TO A DISASTER
OF GLOBAL IMPORTANCE.

OH, COME ON, MAR. DON'T
BE SUCH A GLOOMY GUS.

THE MANAGEMENT OF WJM FEELS THAT
TELEVISION CAN PLAY A CRITICAL ROLE...

IN THE CONTROL OF POPULATION
GROWTH. WELL, SURE IT CAN.

AS LONG AS THEY'RE
WATCHING THE OLD TUBE,

THEY CAN'T MAKE THE
POPULATION GROW, CAN THEY?

TELEVISION HAS A
RESPONSIBILITY...

GET IT, MAR? WILL
YOU SHUT UP, TED?

MURRAY, DID I JUST HEAR RIGHT?

DID I JUST HEAR MARY TELL
TED TO SHUT UP ON THE AIR?

YEAH.

GOOD.

MORE TELEGRAMS, HUH? HUH.

LET'S SEE, TELEGRAMS FROM
THE POLISH-AMERICAN SOCIETY...

OF THE GREATER TWIN CITIES AREA.

TELEGRAMS FROM ZERO
POPULATION GROWTH.

AND A TELEGRAM FROM THE F.C.C.

MR. GRANT, I'M... I'M SORRY.

YOU KNOW, MARY,
I'VE BEEN THINKING.

AND THERE IS NO REASON
WHY YOU SHOULD BE MAKING...

$50 A WEEK LESS THAN THE
PERSON WHO HAD THAT JOB BEFORE.

SO, I'M RAISING YOU $25 A WEEK.

UH, WELL, MR. GRANT,
I'M NOT SURE YOU, UH,

YOU KNOW, FULLY UNDERSTAND
THE PRINCIPLE INVOLVED HERE.

- I MEAN...
- THE WHOLE $50, HUH?

RIGHT. OKAY. I'LL TRY AND
GET YOU $50 A WEEK MORE.

OH, THANK YOU, MR. GRANT.

WHY ARE YOU GIVING A $50-A-WEEK
RAISE TO SOMEONE WHO TOLD ME...

TO SHUT UP ON THE AIR?

IT'S ALL I CAN AFFORD, TED.

[Mews]