Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 2, Episode 6 - Cover Boy - full transcript
Ted receives a visit from his younger brother, Hal Baxter, the two who have not seen each other in five years. Hal, an actor and ad model, is in town for a modeling job. On first glance, Mary can see that Hal is, in her words, an even more Ted than Ted, the two who are always trying to do and be one better than the other. Hal even corrects people when they refer to him as Ted's brother: in his mind, Ted is his brother. And good looking Hal knows he's good looking, and lets the world also know as much. Because she sees their ultra-competitive nature, Mary reluctantly agrees to pretend to be Ted's longtime girlfriend on a double date with Hal. Since Hal was going to ask Mary, Mary, on Ted's further pleading, asks, as Ted refers to her, her "Israeli friend" (Rhoda) to be Hal's date. As the oneupsmanship between Ted and Hal takes its toll on especially Mary during the course of the date, Mary tries to convince Ted to be the bigger brother and stop all the game playing. Will Ted listen to her, and if he does act on her advice, how will Hal react, he who has also had years of this game playing ingrained into his being.
♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪
♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪
♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪
♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪
♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪
♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪
♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪
♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪
[ Ted On TV ] AND NOW THE
PRETTY SIDE OF THE NEWS.
THE MISS WORLD UNIVERSE CONTEST OFFICIALLY
OPENED TODAY IN JAKARTA, INDONESIA.
CONTESTANTS ARRIVED FROM SUCH
FARAWAY PLACES AS MARRAKESH, MOROCCO,
PARAMARIBO, SURINAM...
CUERNAVACA, MEXICO
AND MARACAIBO, VENEZUELA,
NOT TO MENTION
MINNEAPOLIS-ST. PAUL...
AND OUR OWN DONNA
JEAN SPILENCHECK.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH TED TONIGHT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? HE HASN'T MADE
A SINGLE MISTAKE THE ENTIRE SHOW.
THAT'S WHAT I MEAN. SOMETHING
IS DEFINITELY WRONG WITH HIM.
I WONDER WHAT. AND
HOW DO WE MAKE IT LAST?
I DON'T KNOW. HE HAS SEEMED A
LITTLE PREOCCUPIED TODAY, THOUGH.
EVERY FEW MINUTES HE COMES IN AND
ASKS IF HIS BROTHER HAS CALLED YET.
HIS BROTHER? THERE ARE
TWO OF HIM IN THE WORLD?
MURRAY, JUST BECAUSE HE HAS A BROTHER
DOESN'T MEAN THEY HAVE TO BE EXACTLY ALIKE.
WELL, FOR HIS BROTHER'S
SAKE, I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT.
HI.
- I'M HAL.
- YOU'RE TED'S BROTHER.
NO, NO, NO. TED IS MY BROTHER.
I AM GOING INTO THE STUDIO.
I'LL TELL TED HIS BROTHER...
I'LL TELL YOUR BROTHER HIS
BROTHER... I'LL TELL HIM YOU'RE HERE.
I'M MARY RICHARDS.
I'M HAL BAXTER.
AND THAT... THAT'S TED?
[ Mary ] YES, THAT'S TED.
WHY, THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
HE LOOKS LIKE A MAN HIS AGE.
WELL, WE ALL THINK
THAT HE LOOKS JUST FINE.
IT'S GREAT FUN...
TO WORK WITH HIM.
YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD OF HIM.
OH, I AM. I AM.
I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL THAT
HE'S HERE IN THIS LITTLE STUDIO.
WHAT IS IT THAT HE DOES?
SPORTSCASTER? WEATHERMAN?
- NO, HE'S THE ANCHORMAN.
- THE JOB THAT GOES TO THE MAN
WITH THE MOST SENIORITY, EH?
OH, NO, NO, TED GOT THE
JOB BECAUSE HE'S VERY...
COMPETENT AT WHAT HE DOES.
TED?
SO, WHAT BRINGS YOU
TO MINNEAPOLIS, HAL?
OH, I'M SHOOTING A FILM. JUST
BE HERE A COUPLE OF DAYS.
- YOU'RE AN ACTOR?
- WHAT ELSE?
GEE, YOU LOOK SO FAMILIAR.
WHAT HAVE I SEEN YOU IN?
COMMERCIALS! YOU'RE
THE CLEAR BAG MAN!
HEY, THAT'S GREAT! AH!
GEE, THAT'S GREAT.
NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE RECOGNIZE
ME WITHOUT MY PLASTIC CAPE.
AND AREN'T YOU ALSO THE MAN
WITH THE STOPPED-UP SINUSES...
AND ALL THOSE LITTLE PAIN
THINGS ALL OVER YOUR FACE?
THAT WAS FOUR YEARS AGO.
MY HEAD'S CLEARED UP SINCE.
WELL, I FEEL I KNOW YOU.
I'M HAL BAXTER.
AND YOU'RE, UH...
YOU'RE MARY RICHARDS.
YES, I AM.
MARY, NOW THAT WE KNOW EACH OTHER,
COULD I ASK YOU A PERSONAL QUESTION?
UH, SURE. HOW
MUCH DOES TED MAKE?
UH...
HALLY. TEDDY.
IT'S BEEN A WHILE. FIVE YEARS.
EXCUSE ME.
LOU, DID YOU CLEAR UP THAT
NONSENSE LIKE I TOLD YOU?
- WHAT WERE YOU
YELLING ABOUT OUT THERE?
- OH, NOTHING, NOTHING.
SAY, LOU, YOU MAY THINK OF
ME AS A HAPPY-GO-LUCKY GUY,
BUT UNDERNEATH THIS TED BAXTER
THERE'S ANOTHER TED BAXTER.
ONE THAT'S MORE SERIOUS,
MORE SENSITIVE, MORE VULNERABLE.
IS THERE A TED BAXTER UNDER THERE
WHO'LL GET TO THE POINT QUICKER?
LOU, THE THING IS,
MY BROTHER'S OUT
THERE, AND WE'RE...
WELL, I...
HE'S ALWAYS COMING ON LIKE HE'S
BETTER THAN ME, LIKE I'M NOTHING.
WELL, WHO KNOWS?
HE COULD BE ONTO SOMETHING.
I THOUGHT PERHAPS YOU
MIGHT DO ME THIS LITTLE FAVOR.
WHAT'S THAT?
WELL, I GOT THIS IDEA THAT HE MIGHT
BE IMPRESSED IF YOU WENT OUT THERE...
AND OFFERED ME A
RAISE IN FRONT OF HIM.
[ Both Chuckling ]
OFFER YOU A RAISE?
A MAKE-BELIEVE RAISE.
A MAKE-BELIEVE RAISE, HUH?
I SEE.
WELL, TED, WHY STOP
AT A SIMPLE LITTLE THING...
LIKE OFFERING YOU A RAISE?
WHY DON'T I GO OUT THERE...
AND PRETEND TO CROWN YOU KING?
COME ON, LOU.
JUST A LITTLE RAISE.
WHY WON'T YOU? WHY WON'T I?
BECAUSE OUT THERE, WHEN YOU'VE GOT
SOME WITNESSES, YOU MIGHT ACCEPT IT.
NO, I WON'T. CROSS MY HEART.
YOU JUST CROSSED YOUR LUNG, TED.
COME ON, LOU. PLEASE!
OH, ALL RIGHT.
I'LL SAY YOU'RE GETTING
A RAISE. HOW MUCH?
FIFTY BUCKS A WEEK. A
HUNDRED AND FIFTY, OR NO DEAL.
I'LL TAKE THE 50.
TWENTY-FIVE?
GOOD-BYE, LOU.
GLAD YOU WERE SMART ENOUGH
TO SEE THINGS MY WAY, LOU,
OR ELSE IT WOULD MEAN GETTING
SOME NEW WRITERS AROUND HERE.
[ Chuckling ] HEY,
HEY, HEY, HEY, HALLY.
TEDDY! [ Continues Chuckling ]
HOW YOU DOING? I'M DOING 45
THOU A YEAR. HOW YOU DOING?
I'M DOING 50.
UH, FIFTY WEEKS A YEAR,
TWO WEEKS OFF WITH PAY.
THAT'S GREAT, TEDDY.
HOW YOU GETTING AROUND THESE
DAYS? STILL SKATING TO WORK?
YOU SHOULD SEE THE NEW CAR I
GOT... A SLEEK LITTLE ITALIAN JOB.
YEAH? WELL, I'M DRIVING A
SLEEK LITTLE GERMAN JOB.
GETS 34 MILES TO THE GALLON.
BUT MINE IS A CLASSIC.
YOURS IS A CLASSIC? MINE HASN'T
CHANGED ITS DESIGN IN 22 YEARS.
THE BEAUTY OF THAT IS, MINE
WILL ALWAYS LOOK 22 YEARS OLD.
IT'S SO GREAT TO SEE YOU.
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A TREAT... A CHANCE
TO TAKE ME OUT TO DINNER TONIGHT.
OH, HALLY, THAT'S GREAT.
JUST THE TWO OF US ON THE TOWN?
SHOOT THE WHOLE WAD? MONEY'S NO OBJECT.
I KNOW THIS LITTLE PLACE,
THEY'VE GOT TERRIFIC STEAKS.
AND THE BEST PART IS, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO GET OUT OF THE CAR TO EAT.
THAT SOUNDS KEEN. I...
SAY, TED, MAYBE I
COULD ASK A DATE.
HOW ABOUT YOU? YOU HAVE A GIRL?
SURE, I'VE GOT A GIRL.
GREAT. CALL HER UP.
WE'LL MAKE IT A FOURSOME.
CALL HER UP?
I DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
MARY.
HOW DOES THAT SOUND TO YOU?
HOW DOES... WHAT SOUND?
WELL, HAL WANTS YOU AND,
UH, ME TO... DOUBLE WITH HIM.
[ Hal ] YOU MEAN TO SAY...
YOU MEAN TO SAY SHE'S YOUR GIRL?
UH, SURE. S-SURE.
WHO YOU GONNA DATE TONIGHT, HAL?
ME? WELL, THIS IS MY FIRST DAY
IN TOWN. IF IT WERE TOMORROW...
SAY, MAR, WHY DON'T YOU FIX HAL UP
WITH THAT ISRAELI FRIEND OF YOURS?
YOU MEAN RHODA? YEAH.
TED, SHE'S NOT ISRAELI.
SHE'S FROM NEW YORK.
WELL, I KNEW IT WAS SOMEWHERE
THERE IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
[ Knocking ]
MARY, HERE I AM. AH, TERRIFIC.
THAT'S A GREAT DRESS. THANK YOU.
I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT
FIXING YOU UP WITH HAL.
HERE IT COMES. OKAY,
WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?
HE'S VERY GOOD-LOOKING.
HERE.
HEY, NOT BAD.
HOW DOES HE LOOK WITH
BOTH SIDES OF HIS FACE SHAVED?
HE'S ON PAGE 148.
YEAH, 148.
[ Gasps ] VERY ATTRACTIVE.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE SEEN MY
DATE IN HIS UNDERWEAR BEFORE I MET HIM.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
I MEAN, OTHER THAN THE OBVIOUS HANDICAP
OF HIM BEING FANTASTICALLY HANDSOME.
WELL, HE'S A LOT
LIKE TED, ONLY MORE.
THE TWO OF THEM, WHEN THEY GET TOGETHER,
ARE SO UNBELIEVABLY COMPETITIVE...
WELL, WOULD YOU BELIEVE TWO GROWN
MEN ACTUALLY ARM WRESTLING ON MY DESK?
YOU'RE KIDDING. NO!
THAT'S THE MOST
RIDICULOUS, JUVENILE...
DID MINE WIN?
[ Doorbell Buzzes ]
TWO OUT OF THREE.
HI, HONEY. HI. HI, MARY.
WELL, RHODA, YOU, OF
COURSE, KNOW TED. HI.
RHODA. THIS IS
TED'S BROTHER HAL.
[ Clears Throat ]
HAL IS... TED IS
HAL'S, UH, BROTHER.
- THEY'RE, UM... BROTHERS.
- YEAH?
WELL...
POUR VOUS. OH, THANK YOU.
[ Chuckles ] WELL, WELL, WELL.
AREN'T, UH... AREN'T WE PRETTY.
YOU MEAN ME, OR BOTH OF US?
BOTH OF US.
YOU CERTAINLY HAVE A VERY
NICE APARTMENT HERE, MARY.
VERY NICE. THANK YOU.
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HERE BEFORE?
OF COURSE. WHAT DO YOU
THINK? I COME HERE ALL THE TIME.
DON'T I, MAR? ALL THE TIME. YES.
LOOK, I'LL SHOW YOU AROUND.
THIS IS, UH, MARY'S LIVING ROOM.
AND, UH,
THERE'S HER BAR...
KITCHEN... BAR KITCHEN.
AND THIS IS HER TABLE,
WHERE SOMETIMES MARY
FIXES US A QUIET LITTLE DINNER.
WE SIT DOWN, AND SHE
PUTS THE FOOD ON THIS TABLE.
AND, UH, AND THEN...
I DO THIS LITTLE JOKE THING
ABOUT EATING WAX FRUIT.
HE NEVER FAILS TO BREAK
ME UP WITH THAT ONE.
I CAN SEE WHY. [ Laughs ]
SAY, IF YOU GIRLS
REALLY WANT A LAUGH,
WATCH TED TRY AND BEAT
ME AT ARM WRESTLING.
YOU'RE ON. OH, NO, LISTEN, UH...
HERE WE GO. LISTEN, ONE
BIG LAUGH A DAY IS PLENTY.
LOOK AT HIM. HE'S HAD THIS
COMPETITIVE THING ALL OUR LIVES.
YOU'D THINK HE WOULD'VE GOTTEN
OVER IT. WHAT DO WE HAVE TO PROVE NOW?
ALL RIGHT, HAL, THAT'S ENOUGH.
GIVE UP, TED?
NO, YOU FIRST, HAL.
NO, NO, YOU FIRST.
YOU, HAL. HAL! TEDDY!
OLD TIMER! HAL! GUYS...
MARY, LET ME HANDLE THIS. THE
ONE WHO WINS PAYS FOR DINNER.
HAL, THIS REALLY IS SILLY,
FIGHTING IN MARY'S APARTMENT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. GIRLS,
I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE.
OUR PARENTS USED TO
ENCOURAGE THIS SORT OF THING.
WHEN WE WERE KIDS, THEY'D
BUY ONE TOY FOR THE TWO OF US,
THROW IT UP IN THE AIR,
AND WE HAD TO JUMP FOR IT.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN US IN SCHOOL
ALWAYS TRYING TO OUTDO EACH OTHER IN CLASS,
COMPETING FOR THE
TEACHER'S ATTENTION.
YOU WERE IN THE SAME
CLASS? BUT ISN'T TED...
TWO YEARS OLDER.
BUT WE WERE IN THE SAME
CLASS, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
OH.
A COUPLE OF YEARS THERE THEY
ONLY PROMOTED THE TALLER KIDS.
YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT?
WELL, MOM SAID. HEY!
IS ANYONE HERE AS
STARVING AS I AM?
I'LL SECOND THAT
MOTION. I'LL THIRD IT.
I'LL MAKE IT ANONYMOUS.
HERE'S A SHOT OF
ME IN A NEHRU JACKET.
I WAS THE FIRST TO
WEAR A NEHRU JACKET.
WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO THAT NEHRU GUY?
DROPPED RIGHT OUT
OF THE FASHION WORLD.
HE WAS THE PRIME
MINISTER OF INDIA.
OH. WELL, IT'S NICE TO KNOW
HE FOUND SOMETHING ELSE.
TED, THE GENTLEMAN
WANTS YOU TO TRY THE WINE.
OH, SURE. LOVE MY VINO.
THAT'S PRETTY CHINTZY,
FELLA, FOR EIGHT BUCKS.
TED, HE ONLY WANTS
YOU TO TASTE IT.
OH. OH.
YES, THAT'S WINE, ALL RIGHT.
MY, THIS IS A LOVELY RESTAURANT,
TED. WHERE'D YOU HEAR ABOUT IT?
I COME HERE ALL
THE TIME. OH, REALLY?
IF MARY'S YOUR BEST GIRL, HOW COME
YOU'VE NEVER BROUGHT HER BEFORE?
ARE YOU SEEING
SOMEONE ELSE, TED?
I, UH, COME FOR
BUSINESS, THAT'S ALL.
AND BREAKFASTS. BIG
BUSINESS BREAKFASTS.
[ Hal ] MAY I PROPOSE A TOAST?
TO ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS
THAT MAKE LIFE WORTH LIVING...
BEAUTIFUL FOOD,
BEAUTIFUL WINE...
AND BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
AH!
WELL, RHODA, SEE
ANYTHING YOU LIKE?
MY, THIS WINE IS REALLY...
WONDERFUL.
HOW ABOUT THE
CHATEAUBRIAND FOR TWO?
THAT'S JUST WHAT I WAS GONNA
HAVE. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA HAVE?
HOW ABOUT YOU, TEDDY?
WANNA MAKE IT "ANONYMOUS"?
THE CHATEAUBRIAND FOR TWO?
WHERE IS IT ON THE MENU, MARY?
OH.
NO, I, UH... I HAD CHATEAUBRIAND
FOR TWO FOR BREAKFAST, WITH EGGS.
HEY, THIS LOOKS PRETTY
GOOD. HOW ABOUT THIS?
A FRUIT CUP, A TURKEY
LEG AND MASHED POTATOES.
TED, WE CAN'T HAVE
THAT. WHY NOT?
WE'RE NOT UNDER 12.
UH, WE'LL BE A FEW
MORE MINUTES, WAITER.
YEAH. EVERYTHING
HERE LOOKS SO GOOD.
THANK YOU.
AH. MAY I?
TEDDY, MY BOY, ANYBODY
LOOKING AT THIS TABLE...
WOULD THINK YOU TWO
WERE ON YOUR FIRST DATE.
[ Hal Chuckles ]
MARY, I DON'T WANT TO MAKE YOU
NERVOUS, BUT I'M GONNA HAVE TO KISS YOU.
ON THE LIPS.
SORRY ABOUT THE EMBARRASSMENT
ABOUT THE CHECK BACK AT THE RESTAURANT.
YEAH, IT'S TOO BAD THEY WOULDN'T
ACCEPT YOUR GASOLINE CREDIT CARD, TED.
I'LL PAY YOU BACK TOMORROW.
JUST KEEP TRACK OF THE AMOUNT.
OH, I WILL. DON'T WORRY.
WELL, I GUESS WE'LL SAY GOOD
NIGHT. AREN'T YOU GONNA COME IN?
WE THOUGHT WE'D GO UP TO RHODA'S PLACE
AND LOOK AT HER FANTASTIC COLLECTION.
- WHAT COLLECTION?
- MAGAZINES.
I HAVE MILLIONS OF MAGAZINES.
WE'RE GONNA LOOK THROUGH THEM AND
SEE HOW MANY PICTURES WE CAN FIND OF ME.
SORT OF A HAL HUNT.
HEY, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
KIND OF MAKE A GAME OUT OF IT. FIRST
ONE THAT SPOTS MY PICTURE GETS A KISS.
TED, I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU
TOMORROW AT THE OFFICE.
WON'T I?
MARY, I CAN'T LEAVE NOW.
- NOT WHILE
HE'S STILL UP THERE.
- WHY NOT?
WELL, HAL CAME IN MY CAR,
AND HE'LL KNOW IF I LEAVE.
IF YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY GIRL,
HOW WOULD IT LOOK IF I LEFT FIRST?
BUT, TED, IT'S AWFULLY LATE.
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO LOOK
THROUGH A MILLION MAGAZINES?
TED, I'VE GOT THINGS
TO DO. PLEASE, MARY.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
GEE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO
SAY. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
IT'S ALL RIGHT... ALMOST.
I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.
TED, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
HELLO, RHODA. IS MY
BROTHER HAL AROUND?
HI, HAL.
HOW YOU DOING, BUDDY?
[ Laughs ]
WELL, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TIME I'LL BE LEAVING.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
HEY, MARY, CUT IT OUT,
WILL YOU? [ Laughing ]
COME ON, MARY,
WILL YOU CUT IT OUT!
MARY, I'M ON THE PHONE.
WILL YOU CUT IT OUT?
I GOTTA GO NOW.
WHO WERE YOU TALKING
TO? OH, UH, NOBODY.
JUST CALLED A WRONG NUMBER.
WHAT A WONDERFUL
HI-FI YOU'VE GOT.
MIND IF I PUT ON A
LITTLE MOOD MUSIC?
TED, I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE ANY
MUSIC TO SUIT THE MOOD I'M IN.
♪♪ [ Soft Jazz ]
[ Ted ] COME ON, MARY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
JACKS. GO FISH.
TENS. GO FISH.
- TED, WHAT TIME IS IT?
- IT'S STILL EARLY.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME
MORE MUSIC, MAR?
TED, I THINK IT'S GETTING
LIGHT OUT. ♪♪ [ Continues ]
THAT? OH, NO, NO. IT'S
THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
TED, THAT'S DAWN! COME ON!
NO, THAT'S NOT DAWN.
IT LOOKS LIKE DAWN
BECAUSE WE'RE IN MINNESOTA.
THE LAND OF THE MIDNIGHT SUN.
MINNESOTA IS NOT THE
LAND OF THE MIDNIGHT SUN.
IT'S THE LAND OF 10,000 LAKES.
AND I THINK I SEE
ONE OF THEM NOW.
TED, IT'S DAWN.
OH, WON'T YOU PLEASE CALL HAL?
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S
LIKE HAVING A BROTHER LIKE HAL.
I'M SO PUNCHY, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING ME.
PLEASE CALL HIM. OBVIOUSLY
HE'S NOT GOING TO CALL YOU.
[ Phone Rings ] SEE,
I TOLD YOU. SEE?
♪♪ [ Continues ] HELLO?
YES, RHODA.
YES.
ALL RIGHT.
YES, I WILL. GOOD-BYE.
THAT WAS RHODA. SHE WANTS
US, PLEASE, TO TURN OFF THE MUSIC.
IT WOKE HER UP. WOKE HER UP?
YOUR BROTHER HAL TOOK
A TAXI BACK TO HIS HOTEL...
A HALF HOUR AFTER WE GOT HOME.
OH. A HALF HOUR...
AFTER WE GOT HOME, TED.
I THINK I'LL BE TODDLING OFF.
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT.
I'LL SEE YOU AT WORK
TOMORROW, MARY.
THIS IS TOMORROW.
I HOPE I HAVEN'T
OVERSTAYED MY WELCOME.
[ Bell Dings ]
MARY?
YES... YES, SIR?
DID YOU GET ENOUGH
SLEEP LAST NIGHT?
I DIDN'T GET ANY SLEEP LAST
NIGHT, AS A MATTER OF FACT.
BUT I'M FINE, JUST
FINE. NO, YOU'RE NOT.
THAT LAST POT OF COFFEE
YOU MADE? WHAT ABOUT IT?
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S KIND OF
FUNNY THAT IT'S ALL CLEAR LIKE THAT?
SHOULDN'T THE COLOR
BE SORT OF, UH, BROWNISH?
I THINK THAT I... YEAH, YOU DID.
I'LL MAKE ANOTHER POT.
NO, NO, NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'LL WAIT TILL
AFTER YOU WAKE UP.
I'M UP. I'M UP.
NO, BROWNISH. BROWNISH.
OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL AFTERNOON.
NO "HELLO," MARY?
I'M SORRY, TED. I'M A LITTLE
OUT OF IT. I'M TOO SLEEPY.
SLEEP. DON'T MENTION
THAT WORD TO ME.
I SLEPT RIGHT THROUGH
MY ALARM THIS AFTERNOON.
I MIGHT STILL BE ASLEEP IF
I DIDN'T WAKE UP ANYWAY.
SAY, HAL IS COMING BY LATER.
I THOUGHT MAYBE... NO. NO, NO.
OH, OF COURSE. HOW MUCH
DO I OWE YOU FROM LAST NIGHT?
I INSIST. I REALLY
WANT TO PAY YOU BACK.
FORTY-TWO DOLLARS.
TWENTY... FORTY... ONE, TWO.
FORTY-TWO.
DOES THAT INCLUDE
THE TIP? NO, IT DOESN'T.
FORTY-THREE.
NOW, HOW ABOUT TONIGHT?
TED, I COULDN'T TAKE ANOTHER NIGHT
OF YOU AND HAL TOPPING EACH OTHER.
I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND IT.
WHO CARES WHO'S THE BEST ONE?
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU TWO ARE
SO AFRAID OF BEING SECOND-BEST.
- WELL, I'M NOT. HE IS.
- TED, YOU JUST DID IT AGAIN.
- I'D STOP IF HE WOULD.
- THERE IT IS AGAIN.
SOMEBODY HAS GOT TO STOP
FIRST, OR IT'LL GO ON FOREVER.
I'LL LET HIM QUIT FIRST.
THEN I'LL QUIT FIRST.
WHY DON'T YOU QUIT FIRST
AND BE THE FIRST TO QUIT FIRST?
THAT MAKES SENSE.
AFTERNOON, GANG. HI, MARY. HI.
TEDDY, WHEN I LEFT RHODA'S LAST
NIGHT YOUR CAR WAS STILL OUT FRONT.
WHAT HAPPENED? FLAT TIRE?
WELL, I...
WE WERE UP THERE ALL THE TIME
PLAYING CARDS. I WATCHED HER IRON.
SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND.
SHE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE ME MUCH.
OH, TED, NO, I
WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
AND I'VE GOT LOUSY EYES.
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?
LOUSY EYES. I CAN'T SEE A
THING WITHOUT MY GLASSES.
YOU WANNA SEE WHAT I LOOK
LIKE IN MY GLASSES? HERE.
OLD FOUR-EYES. SEE?
- HOW'S THAT FOR BEING HONEST?
- TERRIFIC.
HONEST? YOU WANNA
SEE WHAT HONEST IS?
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT
THIS BROTHER OF YOURS.
SEE THAT DIMPLE THERE?
YOU DON'T REMEMBER THAT WHEN WE
WERE KIDS. YOU KNOW WHY? IT WASN'T THERE.
IT COST ME 750 BUCKS.
OH, YEAH? SEE THIS NOSE?
TED, THAT OUGHTA ABOUT
DO IT. NO, NO, NO, MARY.
YOU KNOW THAT TV COMMERCIAL
I'M SHOOTING HERE IN TOWN?
MY FACE ISN'T IN IT.
THEY WANTED MY FEET.
- IT'S FOR SOCKS.
- [ Ted ] SOCKS?
STRETCH SOCKS.
WHITE STRETCH SOCKS.
I TELL YOU, KID,
I'VE HIT BOTTOM.
GEE, I... I DON'T
KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
HAL, Y-YOU'LL WORK
YOUR WAY UP AGAIN.
THAT'S NICE OF
YOU TO SAY, BUT...
SURE, HAL. YOU LOOK
GOOD TO ME, PAL.
THANKS, TED, BUT YOU'RE
BLIND WITHOUT YOUR GLASSES.
SAY, HAL, YOU AND I HAVE
GOT A LOT TO TALK ABOUT.
WHY DON'T JUST YOU AND I GO
OUT FOR DINNER AND CATCH UP?
I KNOW ALL THE
WORST PLACES IN TOWN.
FIRST, COME ON IN THE STUDIO WITH
ME AND WATCH ME MESS UP THE NEWS.
I'M REALLY TERRIBLE.
JUST MY LUCK. NO WITNESSES.
MARY? I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU.
LISTEN, KID, I JUST WANNA THANK YOU
FOR FIXING ME UP WITH HAL LAST NIGHT.
OH, COME ON, RHODA.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE A
GOOD TIME. THIS IS TRUE.
BUT AT LEAST WHILE I
WASN'T HAVING A GOOD TIME...
IT WAS WITH THE BEST-LOOKING
GUY IN THE WORLD.
I WOULDN'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH
A GUY WHO'S PRETTIER THAN I AM.
RHODA, REMEMBER LAST
NIGHT, WE WALKED INTO
THE RESTAURANT AND THOSE
HEADS SNAPPED AROUND?
THEY WERE LOOKING AT HAL.
I MADE THE MISTAKE OF ASKING
HIM WHICH WAS HIS BAD SIDE.
DO YOU KNOW THAT WE
LOOKED FOR IT FOR TEN MINUTES?
WE COULDN'T FIND IT.
WE FOUND MINE
RIGHT AWAY, THOUGH.
IT'S THE FRONT.
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪
♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪
♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪
♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪
♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪
♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪
♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪
♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪
[ Ted On TV ] AND NOW THE
PRETTY SIDE OF THE NEWS.
THE MISS WORLD UNIVERSE CONTEST OFFICIALLY
OPENED TODAY IN JAKARTA, INDONESIA.
CONTESTANTS ARRIVED FROM SUCH
FARAWAY PLACES AS MARRAKESH, MOROCCO,
PARAMARIBO, SURINAM...
CUERNAVACA, MEXICO
AND MARACAIBO, VENEZUELA,
NOT TO MENTION
MINNEAPOLIS-ST. PAUL...
AND OUR OWN DONNA
JEAN SPILENCHECK.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH TED TONIGHT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? HE HASN'T MADE
A SINGLE MISTAKE THE ENTIRE SHOW.
THAT'S WHAT I MEAN. SOMETHING
IS DEFINITELY WRONG WITH HIM.
I WONDER WHAT. AND
HOW DO WE MAKE IT LAST?
I DON'T KNOW. HE HAS SEEMED A
LITTLE PREOCCUPIED TODAY, THOUGH.
EVERY FEW MINUTES HE COMES IN AND
ASKS IF HIS BROTHER HAS CALLED YET.
HIS BROTHER? THERE ARE
TWO OF HIM IN THE WORLD?
MURRAY, JUST BECAUSE HE HAS A BROTHER
DOESN'T MEAN THEY HAVE TO BE EXACTLY ALIKE.
WELL, FOR HIS BROTHER'S
SAKE, I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT.
HI.
- I'M HAL.
- YOU'RE TED'S BROTHER.
NO, NO, NO. TED IS MY BROTHER.
I AM GOING INTO THE STUDIO.
I'LL TELL TED HIS BROTHER...
I'LL TELL YOUR BROTHER HIS
BROTHER... I'LL TELL HIM YOU'RE HERE.
I'M MARY RICHARDS.
I'M HAL BAXTER.
AND THAT... THAT'S TED?
[ Mary ] YES, THAT'S TED.
WHY, THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
HE LOOKS LIKE A MAN HIS AGE.
WELL, WE ALL THINK
THAT HE LOOKS JUST FINE.
IT'S GREAT FUN...
TO WORK WITH HIM.
YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD OF HIM.
OH, I AM. I AM.
I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL THAT
HE'S HERE IN THIS LITTLE STUDIO.
WHAT IS IT THAT HE DOES?
SPORTSCASTER? WEATHERMAN?
- NO, HE'S THE ANCHORMAN.
- THE JOB THAT GOES TO THE MAN
WITH THE MOST SENIORITY, EH?
OH, NO, NO, TED GOT THE
JOB BECAUSE HE'S VERY...
COMPETENT AT WHAT HE DOES.
TED?
SO, WHAT BRINGS YOU
TO MINNEAPOLIS, HAL?
OH, I'M SHOOTING A FILM. JUST
BE HERE A COUPLE OF DAYS.
- YOU'RE AN ACTOR?
- WHAT ELSE?
GEE, YOU LOOK SO FAMILIAR.
WHAT HAVE I SEEN YOU IN?
COMMERCIALS! YOU'RE
THE CLEAR BAG MAN!
HEY, THAT'S GREAT! AH!
GEE, THAT'S GREAT.
NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE RECOGNIZE
ME WITHOUT MY PLASTIC CAPE.
AND AREN'T YOU ALSO THE MAN
WITH THE STOPPED-UP SINUSES...
AND ALL THOSE LITTLE PAIN
THINGS ALL OVER YOUR FACE?
THAT WAS FOUR YEARS AGO.
MY HEAD'S CLEARED UP SINCE.
WELL, I FEEL I KNOW YOU.
I'M HAL BAXTER.
AND YOU'RE, UH...
YOU'RE MARY RICHARDS.
YES, I AM.
MARY, NOW THAT WE KNOW EACH OTHER,
COULD I ASK YOU A PERSONAL QUESTION?
UH, SURE. HOW
MUCH DOES TED MAKE?
UH...
HALLY. TEDDY.
IT'S BEEN A WHILE. FIVE YEARS.
EXCUSE ME.
LOU, DID YOU CLEAR UP THAT
NONSENSE LIKE I TOLD YOU?
- WHAT WERE YOU
YELLING ABOUT OUT THERE?
- OH, NOTHING, NOTHING.
SAY, LOU, YOU MAY THINK OF
ME AS A HAPPY-GO-LUCKY GUY,
BUT UNDERNEATH THIS TED BAXTER
THERE'S ANOTHER TED BAXTER.
ONE THAT'S MORE SERIOUS,
MORE SENSITIVE, MORE VULNERABLE.
IS THERE A TED BAXTER UNDER THERE
WHO'LL GET TO THE POINT QUICKER?
LOU, THE THING IS,
MY BROTHER'S OUT
THERE, AND WE'RE...
WELL, I...
HE'S ALWAYS COMING ON LIKE HE'S
BETTER THAN ME, LIKE I'M NOTHING.
WELL, WHO KNOWS?
HE COULD BE ONTO SOMETHING.
I THOUGHT PERHAPS YOU
MIGHT DO ME THIS LITTLE FAVOR.
WHAT'S THAT?
WELL, I GOT THIS IDEA THAT HE MIGHT
BE IMPRESSED IF YOU WENT OUT THERE...
AND OFFERED ME A
RAISE IN FRONT OF HIM.
[ Both Chuckling ]
OFFER YOU A RAISE?
A MAKE-BELIEVE RAISE.
A MAKE-BELIEVE RAISE, HUH?
I SEE.
WELL, TED, WHY STOP
AT A SIMPLE LITTLE THING...
LIKE OFFERING YOU A RAISE?
WHY DON'T I GO OUT THERE...
AND PRETEND TO CROWN YOU KING?
COME ON, LOU.
JUST A LITTLE RAISE.
WHY WON'T YOU? WHY WON'T I?
BECAUSE OUT THERE, WHEN YOU'VE GOT
SOME WITNESSES, YOU MIGHT ACCEPT IT.
NO, I WON'T. CROSS MY HEART.
YOU JUST CROSSED YOUR LUNG, TED.
COME ON, LOU. PLEASE!
OH, ALL RIGHT.
I'LL SAY YOU'RE GETTING
A RAISE. HOW MUCH?
FIFTY BUCKS A WEEK. A
HUNDRED AND FIFTY, OR NO DEAL.
I'LL TAKE THE 50.
TWENTY-FIVE?
GOOD-BYE, LOU.
GLAD YOU WERE SMART ENOUGH
TO SEE THINGS MY WAY, LOU,
OR ELSE IT WOULD MEAN GETTING
SOME NEW WRITERS AROUND HERE.
[ Chuckling ] HEY,
HEY, HEY, HEY, HALLY.
TEDDY! [ Continues Chuckling ]
HOW YOU DOING? I'M DOING 45
THOU A YEAR. HOW YOU DOING?
I'M DOING 50.
UH, FIFTY WEEKS A YEAR,
TWO WEEKS OFF WITH PAY.
THAT'S GREAT, TEDDY.
HOW YOU GETTING AROUND THESE
DAYS? STILL SKATING TO WORK?
YOU SHOULD SEE THE NEW CAR I
GOT... A SLEEK LITTLE ITALIAN JOB.
YEAH? WELL, I'M DRIVING A
SLEEK LITTLE GERMAN JOB.
GETS 34 MILES TO THE GALLON.
BUT MINE IS A CLASSIC.
YOURS IS A CLASSIC? MINE HASN'T
CHANGED ITS DESIGN IN 22 YEARS.
THE BEAUTY OF THAT IS, MINE
WILL ALWAYS LOOK 22 YEARS OLD.
IT'S SO GREAT TO SEE YOU.
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A TREAT... A CHANCE
TO TAKE ME OUT TO DINNER TONIGHT.
OH, HALLY, THAT'S GREAT.
JUST THE TWO OF US ON THE TOWN?
SHOOT THE WHOLE WAD? MONEY'S NO OBJECT.
I KNOW THIS LITTLE PLACE,
THEY'VE GOT TERRIFIC STEAKS.
AND THE BEST PART IS, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO GET OUT OF THE CAR TO EAT.
THAT SOUNDS KEEN. I...
SAY, TED, MAYBE I
COULD ASK A DATE.
HOW ABOUT YOU? YOU HAVE A GIRL?
SURE, I'VE GOT A GIRL.
GREAT. CALL HER UP.
WE'LL MAKE IT A FOURSOME.
CALL HER UP?
I DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
MARY.
HOW DOES THAT SOUND TO YOU?
HOW DOES... WHAT SOUND?
WELL, HAL WANTS YOU AND,
UH, ME TO... DOUBLE WITH HIM.
[ Hal ] YOU MEAN TO SAY...
YOU MEAN TO SAY SHE'S YOUR GIRL?
UH, SURE. S-SURE.
WHO YOU GONNA DATE TONIGHT, HAL?
ME? WELL, THIS IS MY FIRST DAY
IN TOWN. IF IT WERE TOMORROW...
SAY, MAR, WHY DON'T YOU FIX HAL UP
WITH THAT ISRAELI FRIEND OF YOURS?
YOU MEAN RHODA? YEAH.
TED, SHE'S NOT ISRAELI.
SHE'S FROM NEW YORK.
WELL, I KNEW IT WAS SOMEWHERE
THERE IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
[ Knocking ]
MARY, HERE I AM. AH, TERRIFIC.
THAT'S A GREAT DRESS. THANK YOU.
I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT
FIXING YOU UP WITH HAL.
HERE IT COMES. OKAY,
WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?
HE'S VERY GOOD-LOOKING.
HERE.
HEY, NOT BAD.
HOW DOES HE LOOK WITH
BOTH SIDES OF HIS FACE SHAVED?
HE'S ON PAGE 148.
YEAH, 148.
[ Gasps ] VERY ATTRACTIVE.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE SEEN MY
DATE IN HIS UNDERWEAR BEFORE I MET HIM.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
I MEAN, OTHER THAN THE OBVIOUS HANDICAP
OF HIM BEING FANTASTICALLY HANDSOME.
WELL, HE'S A LOT
LIKE TED, ONLY MORE.
THE TWO OF THEM, WHEN THEY GET TOGETHER,
ARE SO UNBELIEVABLY COMPETITIVE...
WELL, WOULD YOU BELIEVE TWO GROWN
MEN ACTUALLY ARM WRESTLING ON MY DESK?
YOU'RE KIDDING. NO!
THAT'S THE MOST
RIDICULOUS, JUVENILE...
DID MINE WIN?
[ Doorbell Buzzes ]
TWO OUT OF THREE.
HI, HONEY. HI. HI, MARY.
WELL, RHODA, YOU, OF
COURSE, KNOW TED. HI.
RHODA. THIS IS
TED'S BROTHER HAL.
[ Clears Throat ]
HAL IS... TED IS
HAL'S, UH, BROTHER.
- THEY'RE, UM... BROTHERS.
- YEAH?
WELL...
POUR VOUS. OH, THANK YOU.
[ Chuckles ] WELL, WELL, WELL.
AREN'T, UH... AREN'T WE PRETTY.
YOU MEAN ME, OR BOTH OF US?
BOTH OF US.
YOU CERTAINLY HAVE A VERY
NICE APARTMENT HERE, MARY.
VERY NICE. THANK YOU.
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HERE BEFORE?
OF COURSE. WHAT DO YOU
THINK? I COME HERE ALL THE TIME.
DON'T I, MAR? ALL THE TIME. YES.
LOOK, I'LL SHOW YOU AROUND.
THIS IS, UH, MARY'S LIVING ROOM.
AND, UH,
THERE'S HER BAR...
KITCHEN... BAR KITCHEN.
AND THIS IS HER TABLE,
WHERE SOMETIMES MARY
FIXES US A QUIET LITTLE DINNER.
WE SIT DOWN, AND SHE
PUTS THE FOOD ON THIS TABLE.
AND, UH, AND THEN...
I DO THIS LITTLE JOKE THING
ABOUT EATING WAX FRUIT.
HE NEVER FAILS TO BREAK
ME UP WITH THAT ONE.
I CAN SEE WHY. [ Laughs ]
SAY, IF YOU GIRLS
REALLY WANT A LAUGH,
WATCH TED TRY AND BEAT
ME AT ARM WRESTLING.
YOU'RE ON. OH, NO, LISTEN, UH...
HERE WE GO. LISTEN, ONE
BIG LAUGH A DAY IS PLENTY.
LOOK AT HIM. HE'S HAD THIS
COMPETITIVE THING ALL OUR LIVES.
YOU'D THINK HE WOULD'VE GOTTEN
OVER IT. WHAT DO WE HAVE TO PROVE NOW?
ALL RIGHT, HAL, THAT'S ENOUGH.
GIVE UP, TED?
NO, YOU FIRST, HAL.
NO, NO, YOU FIRST.
YOU, HAL. HAL! TEDDY!
OLD TIMER! HAL! GUYS...
MARY, LET ME HANDLE THIS. THE
ONE WHO WINS PAYS FOR DINNER.
HAL, THIS REALLY IS SILLY,
FIGHTING IN MARY'S APARTMENT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. GIRLS,
I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE.
OUR PARENTS USED TO
ENCOURAGE THIS SORT OF THING.
WHEN WE WERE KIDS, THEY'D
BUY ONE TOY FOR THE TWO OF US,
THROW IT UP IN THE AIR,
AND WE HAD TO JUMP FOR IT.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN US IN SCHOOL
ALWAYS TRYING TO OUTDO EACH OTHER IN CLASS,
COMPETING FOR THE
TEACHER'S ATTENTION.
YOU WERE IN THE SAME
CLASS? BUT ISN'T TED...
TWO YEARS OLDER.
BUT WE WERE IN THE SAME
CLASS, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
OH.
A COUPLE OF YEARS THERE THEY
ONLY PROMOTED THE TALLER KIDS.
YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT?
WELL, MOM SAID. HEY!
IS ANYONE HERE AS
STARVING AS I AM?
I'LL SECOND THAT
MOTION. I'LL THIRD IT.
I'LL MAKE IT ANONYMOUS.
HERE'S A SHOT OF
ME IN A NEHRU JACKET.
I WAS THE FIRST TO
WEAR A NEHRU JACKET.
WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO THAT NEHRU GUY?
DROPPED RIGHT OUT
OF THE FASHION WORLD.
HE WAS THE PRIME
MINISTER OF INDIA.
OH. WELL, IT'S NICE TO KNOW
HE FOUND SOMETHING ELSE.
TED, THE GENTLEMAN
WANTS YOU TO TRY THE WINE.
OH, SURE. LOVE MY VINO.
THAT'S PRETTY CHINTZY,
FELLA, FOR EIGHT BUCKS.
TED, HE ONLY WANTS
YOU TO TASTE IT.
OH. OH.
YES, THAT'S WINE, ALL RIGHT.
MY, THIS IS A LOVELY RESTAURANT,
TED. WHERE'D YOU HEAR ABOUT IT?
I COME HERE ALL
THE TIME. OH, REALLY?
IF MARY'S YOUR BEST GIRL, HOW COME
YOU'VE NEVER BROUGHT HER BEFORE?
ARE YOU SEEING
SOMEONE ELSE, TED?
I, UH, COME FOR
BUSINESS, THAT'S ALL.
AND BREAKFASTS. BIG
BUSINESS BREAKFASTS.
[ Hal ] MAY I PROPOSE A TOAST?
TO ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS
THAT MAKE LIFE WORTH LIVING...
BEAUTIFUL FOOD,
BEAUTIFUL WINE...
AND BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
AH!
WELL, RHODA, SEE
ANYTHING YOU LIKE?
MY, THIS WINE IS REALLY...
WONDERFUL.
HOW ABOUT THE
CHATEAUBRIAND FOR TWO?
THAT'S JUST WHAT I WAS GONNA
HAVE. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA HAVE?
HOW ABOUT YOU, TEDDY?
WANNA MAKE IT "ANONYMOUS"?
THE CHATEAUBRIAND FOR TWO?
WHERE IS IT ON THE MENU, MARY?
OH.
NO, I, UH... I HAD CHATEAUBRIAND
FOR TWO FOR BREAKFAST, WITH EGGS.
HEY, THIS LOOKS PRETTY
GOOD. HOW ABOUT THIS?
A FRUIT CUP, A TURKEY
LEG AND MASHED POTATOES.
TED, WE CAN'T HAVE
THAT. WHY NOT?
WE'RE NOT UNDER 12.
UH, WE'LL BE A FEW
MORE MINUTES, WAITER.
YEAH. EVERYTHING
HERE LOOKS SO GOOD.
THANK YOU.
AH. MAY I?
TEDDY, MY BOY, ANYBODY
LOOKING AT THIS TABLE...
WOULD THINK YOU TWO
WERE ON YOUR FIRST DATE.
[ Hal Chuckles ]
MARY, I DON'T WANT TO MAKE YOU
NERVOUS, BUT I'M GONNA HAVE TO KISS YOU.
ON THE LIPS.
SORRY ABOUT THE EMBARRASSMENT
ABOUT THE CHECK BACK AT THE RESTAURANT.
YEAH, IT'S TOO BAD THEY WOULDN'T
ACCEPT YOUR GASOLINE CREDIT CARD, TED.
I'LL PAY YOU BACK TOMORROW.
JUST KEEP TRACK OF THE AMOUNT.
OH, I WILL. DON'T WORRY.
WELL, I GUESS WE'LL SAY GOOD
NIGHT. AREN'T YOU GONNA COME IN?
WE THOUGHT WE'D GO UP TO RHODA'S PLACE
AND LOOK AT HER FANTASTIC COLLECTION.
- WHAT COLLECTION?
- MAGAZINES.
I HAVE MILLIONS OF MAGAZINES.
WE'RE GONNA LOOK THROUGH THEM AND
SEE HOW MANY PICTURES WE CAN FIND OF ME.
SORT OF A HAL HUNT.
HEY, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
KIND OF MAKE A GAME OUT OF IT. FIRST
ONE THAT SPOTS MY PICTURE GETS A KISS.
TED, I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU
TOMORROW AT THE OFFICE.
WON'T I?
MARY, I CAN'T LEAVE NOW.
- NOT WHILE
HE'S STILL UP THERE.
- WHY NOT?
WELL, HAL CAME IN MY CAR,
AND HE'LL KNOW IF I LEAVE.
IF YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY GIRL,
HOW WOULD IT LOOK IF I LEFT FIRST?
BUT, TED, IT'S AWFULLY LATE.
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO LOOK
THROUGH A MILLION MAGAZINES?
TED, I'VE GOT THINGS
TO DO. PLEASE, MARY.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
GEE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO
SAY. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
IT'S ALL RIGHT... ALMOST.
I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.
TED, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
HELLO, RHODA. IS MY
BROTHER HAL AROUND?
HI, HAL.
HOW YOU DOING, BUDDY?
[ Laughs ]
WELL, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TIME I'LL BE LEAVING.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
HEY, MARY, CUT IT OUT,
WILL YOU? [ Laughing ]
COME ON, MARY,
WILL YOU CUT IT OUT!
MARY, I'M ON THE PHONE.
WILL YOU CUT IT OUT?
I GOTTA GO NOW.
WHO WERE YOU TALKING
TO? OH, UH, NOBODY.
JUST CALLED A WRONG NUMBER.
WHAT A WONDERFUL
HI-FI YOU'VE GOT.
MIND IF I PUT ON A
LITTLE MOOD MUSIC?
TED, I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE ANY
MUSIC TO SUIT THE MOOD I'M IN.
♪♪ [ Soft Jazz ]
[ Ted ] COME ON, MARY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
JACKS. GO FISH.
TENS. GO FISH.
- TED, WHAT TIME IS IT?
- IT'S STILL EARLY.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME
MORE MUSIC, MAR?
TED, I THINK IT'S GETTING
LIGHT OUT. ♪♪ [ Continues ]
THAT? OH, NO, NO. IT'S
THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
TED, THAT'S DAWN! COME ON!
NO, THAT'S NOT DAWN.
IT LOOKS LIKE DAWN
BECAUSE WE'RE IN MINNESOTA.
THE LAND OF THE MIDNIGHT SUN.
MINNESOTA IS NOT THE
LAND OF THE MIDNIGHT SUN.
IT'S THE LAND OF 10,000 LAKES.
AND I THINK I SEE
ONE OF THEM NOW.
TED, IT'S DAWN.
OH, WON'T YOU PLEASE CALL HAL?
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S
LIKE HAVING A BROTHER LIKE HAL.
I'M SO PUNCHY, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING ME.
PLEASE CALL HIM. OBVIOUSLY
HE'S NOT GOING TO CALL YOU.
[ Phone Rings ] SEE,
I TOLD YOU. SEE?
♪♪ [ Continues ] HELLO?
YES, RHODA.
YES.
ALL RIGHT.
YES, I WILL. GOOD-BYE.
THAT WAS RHODA. SHE WANTS
US, PLEASE, TO TURN OFF THE MUSIC.
IT WOKE HER UP. WOKE HER UP?
YOUR BROTHER HAL TOOK
A TAXI BACK TO HIS HOTEL...
A HALF HOUR AFTER WE GOT HOME.
OH. A HALF HOUR...
AFTER WE GOT HOME, TED.
I THINK I'LL BE TODDLING OFF.
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT.
I'LL SEE YOU AT WORK
TOMORROW, MARY.
THIS IS TOMORROW.
I HOPE I HAVEN'T
OVERSTAYED MY WELCOME.
[ Bell Dings ]
MARY?
YES... YES, SIR?
DID YOU GET ENOUGH
SLEEP LAST NIGHT?
I DIDN'T GET ANY SLEEP LAST
NIGHT, AS A MATTER OF FACT.
BUT I'M FINE, JUST
FINE. NO, YOU'RE NOT.
THAT LAST POT OF COFFEE
YOU MADE? WHAT ABOUT IT?
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S KIND OF
FUNNY THAT IT'S ALL CLEAR LIKE THAT?
SHOULDN'T THE COLOR
BE SORT OF, UH, BROWNISH?
I THINK THAT I... YEAH, YOU DID.
I'LL MAKE ANOTHER POT.
NO, NO, NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'LL WAIT TILL
AFTER YOU WAKE UP.
I'M UP. I'M UP.
NO, BROWNISH. BROWNISH.
OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL AFTERNOON.
NO "HELLO," MARY?
I'M SORRY, TED. I'M A LITTLE
OUT OF IT. I'M TOO SLEEPY.
SLEEP. DON'T MENTION
THAT WORD TO ME.
I SLEPT RIGHT THROUGH
MY ALARM THIS AFTERNOON.
I MIGHT STILL BE ASLEEP IF
I DIDN'T WAKE UP ANYWAY.
SAY, HAL IS COMING BY LATER.
I THOUGHT MAYBE... NO. NO, NO.
OH, OF COURSE. HOW MUCH
DO I OWE YOU FROM LAST NIGHT?
I INSIST. I REALLY
WANT TO PAY YOU BACK.
FORTY-TWO DOLLARS.
TWENTY... FORTY... ONE, TWO.
FORTY-TWO.
DOES THAT INCLUDE
THE TIP? NO, IT DOESN'T.
FORTY-THREE.
NOW, HOW ABOUT TONIGHT?
TED, I COULDN'T TAKE ANOTHER NIGHT
OF YOU AND HAL TOPPING EACH OTHER.
I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND IT.
WHO CARES WHO'S THE BEST ONE?
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU TWO ARE
SO AFRAID OF BEING SECOND-BEST.
- WELL, I'M NOT. HE IS.
- TED, YOU JUST DID IT AGAIN.
- I'D STOP IF HE WOULD.
- THERE IT IS AGAIN.
SOMEBODY HAS GOT TO STOP
FIRST, OR IT'LL GO ON FOREVER.
I'LL LET HIM QUIT FIRST.
THEN I'LL QUIT FIRST.
WHY DON'T YOU QUIT FIRST
AND BE THE FIRST TO QUIT FIRST?
THAT MAKES SENSE.
AFTERNOON, GANG. HI, MARY. HI.
TEDDY, WHEN I LEFT RHODA'S LAST
NIGHT YOUR CAR WAS STILL OUT FRONT.
WHAT HAPPENED? FLAT TIRE?
WELL, I...
WE WERE UP THERE ALL THE TIME
PLAYING CARDS. I WATCHED HER IRON.
SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND.
SHE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE ME MUCH.
OH, TED, NO, I
WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
AND I'VE GOT LOUSY EYES.
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?
LOUSY EYES. I CAN'T SEE A
THING WITHOUT MY GLASSES.
YOU WANNA SEE WHAT I LOOK
LIKE IN MY GLASSES? HERE.
OLD FOUR-EYES. SEE?
- HOW'S THAT FOR BEING HONEST?
- TERRIFIC.
HONEST? YOU WANNA
SEE WHAT HONEST IS?
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT
THIS BROTHER OF YOURS.
SEE THAT DIMPLE THERE?
YOU DON'T REMEMBER THAT WHEN WE
WERE KIDS. YOU KNOW WHY? IT WASN'T THERE.
IT COST ME 750 BUCKS.
OH, YEAH? SEE THIS NOSE?
TED, THAT OUGHTA ABOUT
DO IT. NO, NO, NO, MARY.
YOU KNOW THAT TV COMMERCIAL
I'M SHOOTING HERE IN TOWN?
MY FACE ISN'T IN IT.
THEY WANTED MY FEET.
- IT'S FOR SOCKS.
- [ Ted ] SOCKS?
STRETCH SOCKS.
WHITE STRETCH SOCKS.
I TELL YOU, KID,
I'VE HIT BOTTOM.
GEE, I... I DON'T
KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
HAL, Y-YOU'LL WORK
YOUR WAY UP AGAIN.
THAT'S NICE OF
YOU TO SAY, BUT...
SURE, HAL. YOU LOOK
GOOD TO ME, PAL.
THANKS, TED, BUT YOU'RE
BLIND WITHOUT YOUR GLASSES.
SAY, HAL, YOU AND I HAVE
GOT A LOT TO TALK ABOUT.
WHY DON'T JUST YOU AND I GO
OUT FOR DINNER AND CATCH UP?
I KNOW ALL THE
WORST PLACES IN TOWN.
FIRST, COME ON IN THE STUDIO WITH
ME AND WATCH ME MESS UP THE NEWS.
I'M REALLY TERRIBLE.
JUST MY LUCK. NO WITNESSES.
MARY? I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU.
LISTEN, KID, I JUST WANNA THANK YOU
FOR FIXING ME UP WITH HAL LAST NIGHT.
OH, COME ON, RHODA.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE A
GOOD TIME. THIS IS TRUE.
BUT AT LEAST WHILE I
WASN'T HAVING A GOOD TIME...
IT WAS WITH THE BEST-LOOKING
GUY IN THE WORLD.
I WOULDN'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH
A GUY WHO'S PRETTIER THAN I AM.
RHODA, REMEMBER LAST
NIGHT, WE WALKED INTO
THE RESTAURANT AND THOSE
HEADS SNAPPED AROUND?
THEY WERE LOOKING AT HAL.
I MADE THE MISTAKE OF ASKING
HIM WHICH WAS HIS BAD SIDE.
DO YOU KNOW THAT WE
LOOKED FOR IT FOR TEN MINUTES?
WE COULDN'T FIND IT.
WE FOUND MINE
RIGHT AWAY, THOUGH.
IT'S THE FRONT.