Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 1, Episode 16 - Party Is Such Sweet Sorrow - full transcript

♪ How will you make it on your own ♪

♪ This world is awfully big ♪

♪ And, girl
this time you're all alone ♪

♪ But it's time you started living ♪

♪ It's time you let
someone else do some giving ♪

♪ Love is all around ♪

♪ No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You might just make it ♪

♪ After all ♪

♪ You might just make it after all ♪♪



[Ted On TV] On the lighter side of
the news, Mr. and Mrs. Ira Kamansky...

of 62 Glendale were rudely
awakened when a two-ton truck...

veered off the highway
into their bedroom,

stopping only inches away
from the foot of their bed.

Both are being treated for shock.
[Chuckles]

That's the lighter side
of the news?

Let me know when they get to the story
on the apartment house fire.

I want to see what kind of film
the new cameraman came up with.

I'm glad you finally
gave Allen an assignment.

Lou, you sent the kid
on a big story like that?

You gotta start somewhere.

[Ted On TV] At around 4:00
this afternoon, fire broke out...

on the top floor of an apartment
house on Third Street.

It took two hours
to get the fire under control,



as you can see
in this exclusive film report.

Mr. Grant, here's that film
you wanted to see.

- [Sirens On TV]
- Two families were trapped on the roof.

Shouldn't Allen have taken pictures
of the people on the roof?

Or at least the fire.

What is that?
Oh, it's a brick.

[Chuckles]
It's a close-up of a brick.

And it's got ants
crawling all over it.

[Ted On TV] The smoke
became so thick in the halls...

that the frantic tenants were urged
to jump into the safety nets below.

- What's that?
- It's a brick.

- With ants crawling all over it.
- I can see they're ants.

I want to know why we're showing
them instead of the fire.

Mr. Grant, maybe
Allen's camera slipped.

Murray, why did you let
this film go on?

Did you think this was
a National Geographic special?

Ah. Mary, where is Allen?

He's in the control booth,
I think.

Tell him I'd like to see him
when he gets a chance.

Uh, Allen, Mr. Grant would like
to see you when you get a chance.

Tell him to be sure he gets a chance
within the next 20 seconds.

Better make it right away.

[Ted On TV]
And that's the news till now.

This is Ted Baxter saying
God bless and toodle-oo.

Did he like it?

Uh, well, you know, it's sort of hard
to tell whether Mr. Grant
likes something or not, Allen.

- But I think he can probably
tell you better than I can.
- Thank you.

[Mr. Grant]
Come in.

- What were you sent out to cover?
- The fire.

That's right.

Now, I'm telling myself
that this is your first job,

so maybe I'm expecting too much of you
to know a fire when you see one.

A fire is where
there's a lot of smoke.

A fire is what those big red trucks
are usually parked in front of.

A fire is red and hot,
and a fire is news.

I know what a fire is.

Okay. Okay.

I know what happened.
You put the wrong lens on your camera.

You thought you were shooting
the whole building, but you were
getting a close-up of the ants.

- It was an accident... What?
- It wasn't an accident.

- I was making a comment
by showing the ants.
- You did that on purpose?

I was showing how just a few feet
away from the fire, life goes on.

Why not show that just a few feet away
from the ants, there's a fire going on?

- Are you gonna let me go?
- No, I'm not gonna let you go!

Like it or not, I'm gonna
have to make a news cameraman...

out of an insect freak.

For one thing,
I'm short a cameraman.

For another thing...
well, you know.

Okay, if that's what you want,
I'll give you film like
the rest of the news shows.

I'd like that. We've never had film
like the rest of the news shows.

And another thing:
You're on call around the clock.

I want you to keep us posted
where you are every minute.

I'm gonna work your tail off!

I hope you've found some inspiration
from our little chat.

[Allen]
Yes, sir.

- Hi.
- Hey, Allen, how's it going?

I got really, royally chewed out.
I guess you heard.

Oh, did you? No, we...
You can't ever hear what goes on
in Mr. Grant's office.

- There's so much noise...
- [Lou] Hey, Mary,
has my wife called?

Uh, no, not yet,
Mr. Gra-Grant.

So, listen, you got chewed out.
We've all been through the same thing.

- Right, Ted? So don't worry about it.
- Right.

How'd you like to come home and have
dinner with my wife and me tonight?

- Oh, no, thanks. Thanks anyway, but...
- Okay. Good night.

You shouldn't be alone, kid.
What you need is some company.

[Clears Throat] Now, I've got a
manicure. You want to come and watch?

Oh, maybe some other time.
Thanks anyway, Mr. Baxter.

- Good night, Mar.
- Good night, Ted.

Well, Allen, I was gonna invite you
over to my place for dinner...

- Great. Is 7:30 all right?
- Uh, yeah.

Hi. I thought I heard you.

- Oh, I didn't realize
I was setting the table so noisily.
- [Laughs]

Mary, have you seen Bess? She's late
coming home from her Girl Scout meeting.

- No, I haven't.
- Not that I have to know
where she is every minute.

But she is 20 minutes late.
Are you having Rhoda for dinner again?

- No.
- Oh, I see.

- But you have a place setting for two.
- Yeah, that's right.

You see, sometimes I like
to switch places in mid-meal.

[Laughs] You don't want to tell me.
That's quite all right.

You're entitled to your privacy. I
don't care who you're having for dinner.

Since I don't care,
why don't you tell me?

It's just a kid who's
new at the office, and he had
a run-in with Mr. Grant today,

so I thought I'd bring him home
for dinner and try to cheer him up.

- Oh!
- Hi. I'm defrosting,
and I need some ice cubes.

- Yeah, sure, help yourself.
- Have you seen Bess, Rhoda?

- Uh-uh.
- She's late getting home
from her Girl Scout meeting.

Hey, maybe she's trying for her
"staying out all night and not
telling Mommy" merit badge.

Not that I'm concerned, mind you.
I believe in giving a child
her independence.

Hi, Allen. Come on in.

- Allen, I'd like you to meet
my friend, Rhoda Morgenstern.
- Hi.

- This is Allen...
- Hi. Stevens.

- Stevens. Ma'am.
- Allen Stevens.
And this is Phyllis Lindstrom.

- Will you excuse me just a minute?
- Call me Phyl. Everyone does.

- I don't.
- A lot of my young friends
call me Phyl.

Okay, Phyl.

Some of her really young
friends call her Ph'.

[Phone Ringing]

Hello. Oh, hi, dear.

Yeah. Okay, sure,
I'll tell her. Bye-bye.

Uh, that was Bess, and she's
kind of worried about you.

- Where is she?
- She's still at the Girl Scout meeting.

- You were supposed to pick her up.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.

- Nice meeting you, Allen.
- See you later, Ph'.

- Would you like a drink?
- Can we see your I.D.?

I don't drink, but I would
like a glass of water.

Is that the kitchen?
I'll go get it myself.

Okay. The glasses are on the counter.
Isn't he cute?

Mary, what are you doing?
Managing Little League?

No, he's just... he's just a sweet kid,
and he kind of had a rough day
at the office.

Uh-huh. How old is he?

Uh, 22, 23, I think.
I don't know.

That's okay. Nothing wrong
with going out with someone 23.

I've done it myself.
I was 15.

- [Rhoda] I'm, uh,
just getting some ice.
- [Allen] I'll help you.

[Rhoda] That's okay. I think
I can get an ice tray out by myself.

[Allen]
No, really. I insist.

[Rhoda] Where were you when I had to
lug my old stove down to the basement?

[Rhoda Screams] Hey, kid, keep
those hands on that ice tray, huh?

[Allen]
I'm sorry. My hand slipped.

[Rhoda] Next time this happens,
I'll press charges.

- What, uh...
- You know that shy kid in there?

He's not really all that shy.

You...

Hey, Mary, it was an accident.

I mean, I hope you don't think I'd
fool around with one of your friends.

- One of anybody's friends.
- Well, l... No, of course not, Allen.

No, it's just...
Rhoda's just overly suspicious.

She's from New York.

- Because if you did, well, l...
- No! Hey, no.

Come on, sit down.
Have some cheese and crackers.

Funny thing is,
she's not even my type.

Well, no, of course she's not. She's
a little older than you, like I am.

Yeah, but I wouldn't mind
fooling around with you.

Uh, well, can I take
your coat... and your shoes?

- Oh, I just felt at home.
- Well, good.

Nice couch. Does it fold out?
I mean, for you to sleep on.

You know, Allen,
I, uh, think that somebody...

may have gotten
the wrong idea here.

- You want me to go home. Is that it?
- No, no.

When I want you to go home,
I'll say, "Allen, go home."

I just think that
there may have been...

Don't worry.
Nobody has to find out.

Allen, go home.

- But then you'd be all alone.
- Yeah, that's right.

You don't want to spend another
of those lonely nights, do you?

Tsk. Oh.

- What are you smiling
at me like that for?
- Because you're cute.

You really think that because I'm 30
and single, that I'm desperate, right?

No, I meant that
lfind you very attractive.
What does age have to do with anything?

Well, Allen, I'm really very flattered,
but age has everything to do with it.

I mean, look, if I were 19 or 20,
you'd be... 11 or 12.

Anyway, you see what I mean?
So come on, let's have dinner.

- You just got me up here for nothing?
- No, no.

I got you up here for dinner.
Is that nothing?

It sure is.
Good night, Mary.

Allen, if you're trying
to make us believe...

that Mary would invite you
up to her apartment...

and then try to come on
with you, forget it.

That's not our Mary.
And then what happened?

- Maybe I've said too much already.
- You're right.

I think I'll walk you
to the studio, Allen.

And then what happened?

- Good morning, all.
- [Murray] Oh, hiya, Mary.

- How'd it go last night?
- How did what go?

Oh, your dinner with Allen.

Oh, fine.

How did you know that I had
dinner with Allen? I didn't
invite him until after you left.

Oh. Uh, well,
he mentioned something.

Oh? What did he mention?

Well, nothing, Mary, nothing.
Well, you know.

- No, I don't know.
- Well, I didn't believe him anyway.

Mary said that?
And then what did she do?

Oh, hi, Mar.

- Uh, Allen, could I see you
for a minute?
- Sure, Mary.

Allen, I would like you
to tell Murray, in front of me,

exactly what happened
last night.

I'm sorry. You're right, Mary.
I should've kept my mouth shut.

It was just dumb bragging.
I'm sorry.

Brag... Allen, you...

Oh, Murray, you... he... l...
No, nothing! It was...

Oh, Ted!

Right after the coverage
of the Winter Carnival Parade,

we're gonna switch to a remote
of Arthur Almoran covering
the airport arrival of the, uh...

Anything you say, Mar.

Ted, you have to get
all this down in 15 minutes.

- Have you heard anything
I've been saying?
- Not a word.

Mary, I want to talk
to you a minute.

Yeah, I'd like to talk
to you too, Mr. Grant.

Mr. Grant, I would like
to talk to you about Allen.

- Yeah, I know what you're gonna say.
- You do?

Yeah, you're gonna say I was
too rough on him yesterday.

- Well, no, not exactly.
- Yes, you were, and you're right.

- Mary, I'm not the most patient
man in the world.
- No, that's not true.

- I said I'm not the most
patient man in the world!
- Well, that's true.

But Allen isn't exactly
the easiest person to be patient with.

Mr. Grant, I don't know how else
to tell you this other than to
just come right out and say...

that Allen has been going around
the station telling people...

Yeah, he's my nephew.
It's true.

He's my sister's kid.

And, Mary, that's why
I gotta ask you a favor.

Asking favors isn't something
I usually do. I'm not good at it.

Boy, I'll say I'm not good at it.
I forgot my manners.

- Want a blast?
- Uh, no.

What that kid needs
is a little understanding...

and compassion
and all the rest of that bull.

You...
You can handle that, and I can't.

- Okay?
- Okay, what?

- Will you do me that favor?
- What favor?

Boy, I told you
I wasn't any good at this.

I don't know how to ask for favors.
Forget the favor.

- Okay.
- I'll make it an order.

I want you to be
understanding and sympathetic
and compassionate to that kid.

- You got it?
- Oh, Mr. Grant, if it were
anybody other than Allen...

If it were anybody other
than Allen, I'd fire him.

You see, she's, uh,

she's my only sister.

And I, uh...
I owe her something.

Oh, all right, Mr. Grant.
I'll do my best.

The reason I owe her something is,
two years ago I fired her husband.

I wonder what for.

Now let me tell you
the worst part.

Mr. Grant told Allen that
I volunteered for the job.

So you can imagine
what Allen thought.

- Well, tell him you didn't volunteer.
- I told him.

He didn't believe me. He asked me what
time I wanted him to come over tonight.

You should've told him
you don't want him to come over.

I told him, and he said,
"How about 8:30?"

- You should have told him
you wouldn't be home.
- I told him, and I'm not.

- I am not going to be home.
I'm going to a movie. Wanna go?
- Yeah, I would.

He'll only be back tomorrow.
What are you planning to do,
go to a movie every night?

Of course not.
One night I'll go to a play...

and the next night to a concert.

I always did want to learn how to play
pool. What do you expect me to do?

It's so elementary,
I shouldn't even have to say it.

But he only comes on
when it's absolutely safe,

with women who wouldn't
ever be attracted to him.

Only you, Mary. And me.

You? When did he ever
come on with you?

When we first met.
I picked up the vibrations...

when he came on with "Hi, Phyl,"
not "How do you do, Mrs. Lindstrom?"

- He said, "Ma'am."
- Believe me, Mary,

if that boy ever thought someone
was going to take him seriously,
he would run for the hills.

I think I see what you mean.
In other words,

if I pretended to be really interested
in him, it would scare him off, huh?

- Exactly.
- Not in a million years.
That is the dumbest idea.

- It's dumb.
- All right, Mary. All right.

Let people give you a lot of modern
ideas on how to handle this.

As for me, give me good, old-fashioned
common Freudian psychology anytime.

There she is, folks.
The sweetheart of Sigmund Freud.

- You are witty, Rhoda. You really are.
- Thanks.

How much fun it must be for the other
girls on your bowling team.

[Laughing]

- Did you find a movie for us to see?
- Let's go to the Crestwood.

- Okay.
- If we're going to the show,
I'll go upstairs and change.

- Wait. I want to go with you.
- I'll wash the coffee cups.

Oh, would you, Phyl? Great.
I don't want to chance being here,
in case Allen arrives.

Mary, you wouldn't think
my idea was bad...

if you read my copy
of Post-Adolescent Social Trauma.

Well, fine, I will.
Lend it to me sometime.

- I lent it to you six weeks ago.
- You did?

Yeah, in that batch of books
I brought up for you to read.

She figures if you study hard enough,
anybody can become a loony.

I'll find it for you.
Really, it'll help.

Well, Phyl, I appreciate your wanting
to help me out with this problem,

but I honestly don't think
it'll help.

Yes, it will.
Wait till I find it.

"Marriage as a Competition,
The Liberated Female,
The Creative Neurotic. "

None of these is it.
It must be here somewhere.

Let's get out of here, Mar.

If she finds out you're still saving
your Nancy Drew books,

you'll never
hear the end of it.

- Hi. Is Mary here?
- Oh, hi.

- She went out.
- Oh.

- Allen?
- Yes?

- Why don't you come in
and wait for her?
- Okay.

I don't see how she can say
it's a dumb idea. It's right here.

- What is?
- Nothing.

Is she gonna be right back?

No. That makes you
nervous, doesn't it?

No. Why should it?

Well, because you're alone
with an attractive, mature woman.

- Now, doesn't that make you nervous?
- Uh-uh.

Oh. Well, of course you're not
nervous, because you feel safe,

because you know that a person like me
couldn't possibly be interested in you.

If you're not,
why'd you call me back in here?

That's right, Allen.
You're right.

l-I am interested in you.
lfind you terrifically attractive.

Now, how does that
make you feel? Nervous?

That's right.
I understand why you have to leave now,
and it's perfectly all right.

I'm glad I could clear this up for you.
Good-bye, Allen. I do understand.

What I don't understand is why
you're on this side of the door.

I don't think it's too tough to figure.
You just finished saying that...

You take one more step,
I'm calling the police.

- Hey, wait a minute.
You just said that...
- There it is! You took a step.

I'm calling the police.
See, I'm picking up the phone.
I have it in my hand.

See, I'm dialing
the police station right now.

It's ringing
in the police station.

The desk sergeant is picking
the phone up right now.

Hello, Mary.
Guess who's here. Allen.

Why don't you come right down?
And hurry.

- Hey, what's happening here?
- I'll tell you what's happening.

It's all right here.
Read this. Chapter seven.

- Nancy Drew?
- That's Mary's book. She saves things.

- Phyl!
- There he is, Mary. He's all yours.

See if Nancy Drew can
get you out of this one.

Hey, what is it
with these friends of yours?

What is it with you, Allen?
Why don't you find a girl your own age?

You don't know?
What's the use?

- Pardon?
- I said, what's the use?

I don't have a quick
comeback to that question.

I'm a phony. I'm not a man.
I knew it since I was 12.

Allen, who knows they're
a man when they're 12?

There's something wrong with me.

You bet there is!

You don't understand.

You see, I've never...

I mean,
when the other kids were...

- I wasn't.
- Oh.

Well, I'm awfully sorry, Allen,
but I don't see how...

You don't know what it's like
to feel like you're the only
virgin in the whole college.

Well, as a matter of fact,
I do.

I've been waiting for someone.

Someone kind...

and gentle...

and compassionate...

to help me find myself.

Well, Allen,
couldn't you find...

a nice girl your own age
to help you look?

[Laughs]
I, uh...

I didn't know that all of this
was behind all that craziness.

- [Doorbell Buzzes]
- Send away whoever it is.
I need to talk to you tonight.

Allen, I really do have to go
answer the door. [Muttering]

- Who is it?
- Lou Grant!

- Where is he?
- Who, me?

You. Guess what.

A brewery blew up tonight.

I know because I saw film of it
on one of the other stations.

Since you weren't there, we don't
have a single foot of film on it...

not even the lousy ants
crawling around in the beer suds.

Mr. Grant, how did you know
that he was here?

He left a message with his answering
service saying where he'd be...

and that he didn't
want to be disturbed.

I don't know how
to break this to you,

but I may end up disturbing you.

Uh, Mr. Grant, could I talk to you
for just a moment, please?

Mr. Grant,
Allen has problems.

He really does.

What's he been handing you?
What have you been handing her?

Mr. Grant, please, they're
very personal problems, and they...

well, he has problems about women.

[Laughs]
You do, huh?

Hey, Uncle Lou,
I was just kidding around.

You were just kidding around?

Look, you, I want you to remember
something and remember it forever.

I think of this girl here
like she was my own daughter.

That means she's your cousin.

Do you get my meaning?

- Okay, I'm fired.
- Ooh, no, no, no.

As of now, you're third apprentice
in the developing lab.

I can always quit.

- Who says so?
- Oh, well.

Now, look, there's only one woman
down there in the lab.

She's a negative cutter
named Jocelyn.

Tell him whatJocelyn's
nickname is, Mary.

Well, it's not really a nickname. It's
just what some of the people... Bomber.

Tell him what Bomber did
at the last Christmas party, Mary.

Oh, you mean when she
beat you, uh, arm wrestling.

That's the new woman
in your life: Bomber.

Good night, Uncle Lou.

Cousin Mary.

- [Door Closes]
- Hey, I want to apologize.
I mean, he's my family...

Uh, Mr. Grant, no, please.
There's no need. I understand.

Every family
has someone like that.

No, you don't understand.

In my family,
he's the cream of the crop.

- Good night, Mary.
- Good night, Mr. Grant.

- Hi, Mar.
- Hi, Ted.

[Clears Throat] Good thing
Lou put that kid in his place.

He's a troublemaker, you know?

He was even beginning to spread
rumors around, about everyone.

- Even you.
- Oh, really?

Not that any one of us believed
a word of it for a minute.

Well, that's certainly
good to know.

You know, Mar, you've worked here
quite a while now,

but I don't feel we've ever really
gotten to know each other.

Maybe sometime
we could have dinner.

Oh, Ted, of course not!
[Laughing]

Oh, yes.
Well, see you around.

And God bless.

And toodle-oo.

[Mews]