Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 1, Episode 17 - Just a Lunch - full transcript
Network news reporter John Corcoran - an ex-WJM newsroom employee - is back in town and will be working in the newsroom on a story idea for however long he is in town. Lou admires John's work, which of late has been covering overseas issues in Russia and more recently Vietnam. Mary admits she is equally as enamored with the physical being of John she sees on television. When she meets him in person, she isn't disappointed. John, too, is taken with Mary. He is up front with her in that he is married but separated, so that there is no misunderstanding down the road in their personal relationship. Mary is eventually equally up front with him that his married status bothers her, so she politely declines his advances. As much as Mary tries to avoid John, John does whatever he can to be in Mary's company. Mary's only saving grace is that with the exception of Lou, no one in the newsroom knows what's gong on between the two of them... or do they?
# How will you make it
on your own #
# This world is awfully big #
# And, girl
this time you're all alone #
# But it's time
you started living #
# It's time you let someone else
do some giving #
# Love is all around #
# No need to waste it #
# You can have the town
Why don't you take it #
# You might just make it #
# After all #
# You might just make it
after all ##
- Hi, Mar.
- Good morning, Murray.
- You want to go
ice skating at lunchtime?
- Well, I brought my lunch.
- Aw, come on.
- Well, no, Murray. I tell you,
when I skate, I just like to...
You know?
And you always want to...
Oh!
[Laughs]
It's all right.
Have a nice, happy, little day.
You too.
## [Humming]
Yes? Something wrong?
Well, it's just that I've never
seen you looking so refreshed.
Well, that's because
I am refreshed.
- I got completely polluted last night.
- Oh.
Nothing like a good hangover
to pick you up.
I wasn't hung over.
You gotta be over to be hung over.
I'm still half snockered.
That was some evening. Me and
John Corcoran, we were really flying.
John Corcoran, the one
on the network news?
Oh, I see him from Vietnam in his combat
jacket, ducking under the bullets.
- That's the one. He used to work here.
- No kidding?
Hey, is he as great looking
as he looks?
- I mean, on television.
- He's beautiful.
- That's coffee.
- Uh...
Like last night, about 2:00 a.m.
We're in this place, see,
and John orders sake.
- Japanese wine, right?
- Yeah.
Now, understand. We're not in some
quaint, littleJapanese restaurant.
We're in the Lucky 7-11
Bar and Grill... a saloon.
Now, the bartender at the Lucky 7-11
doesn't get this request very often.
ButJohn just stands there,
looking him straight in the eye.
And the bartender
got him the sake.
No.
He threw us both out.
Uh, Mr. Grant? I seem to have
missed the point of the story.
The point is...
[Snorts]
I haven't been thrown out
of a saloon in years.
And John managed it!
That's what I call a newsman.
Well, if that's what you call a newsman,
what do youcall this?
- Hi, guys.
- What are you doing in so early?
I'm in because I'm upset about
being wakened at 2:00 a.m.
by an obscene phone call.
I've never had anyone
say things like that to me.
- What are you telling me about it for?
- Because it was you!
Yeah.
Hey, I'm sorry
about that, Ted.
It's just that whenever I'm with
a really first-class newsman,
I get furious
thinking about you.
I'm glad he apologized!
I think that it
cleared the air.
[Phone Rings]
Newsroom.
Yeah. [Chuckling]
Yeah, okay.
Yeah. [Chuckling]
Yeah, okay.
That was the receptionist.
She sounded like she was
doing deep-breathing exercises.
John must be on his way up.
Now, look, everybody.
I know John, and even though
he is kind of a famous guy...
and won a lot of awards,
don't make a big deal over him, okay?
It would only embarrass him.
## [Imitates Fanfare]
You still can't say hello like
other people, can you, Murray?
You see? What did I tell ya?
He's embarrassed.
- How are you?
- What are you doing up this early?
Don't you remember, Lou?
Last night, sitting on the curb
in front of the Lucky 7?
You said I could use
my old desk if I needed it.
- But it's occupied.
- Oh, was this your...
Well, all the desks are occupied.
I mean, l-I never use mine.
- I, uh... I'm Mary Richards.
- John Corcoran.
You're gonna be around later,
I'll buy you a sandwich.
- Fine, fine.
- Maybe we can get thrown out
of a luncheonette.
No, you can't, Mr. Grant. You're having
lunch with the sanitation commissioner.
Oh, yeah. Talk about garbage over lunch.
Sorry, John.
Look, as long as I'm chasing you out
of your desk, can I take you to lunch?
- Uh, yes.
- Good.
Well, I guess you can
take care of yourself.
After all, it's just a lunch.
Come on, John. Come on.
- Lunch.
- Lunch.
Murray?
This is very good fettuccine.
Sure you don't want to try it?
No, thank you.
I've got this little meat patty here.
- John?
- What?
I lied.
I want to try your fettuccine.
- Hmm?
- Mmm!
- More?
- Oh, no.
I've seen you on television,
haven't I?
- You're, uh... Don't tell me...
- John Corcoran.
No, uh... Yes!
Yes, you are.
Oh, you know,
I just love your news.
I mean, I really hate the news,
but, oh, the way you do it...
- Thank you. Thank you very much.
- I wonder, would you?
My pleasure. Is there anything special
you want me to write?
Yes. To the most well-informed woman
I have ever met.
That'll just destroy
my husband.
Oh. Oh.
- Um, is she, uh...
- Yes, she is.
Oh, would you mind?
Oh, thank you so much.
You're welcome.
[Chuckles]
- I shouldn't have done that.
- What's the harm?
Well, I didn't want
to disappoint her,
so I wrote the first name
that came into my mind... Ringo Starr.
Mrs. Ringo Starr. I didn't want her
to spend the whole afternoon...
trying to figure out
who Mary Richards is.
Well, I can think of worse ways
to spend an afternoon.
Well, let's talk about you.
Before Vietnam, weren't you in Russia?
Yes. Are you involved
with anyone right now?
- No. How about some dessert?
- I'm sorry.
I thought you were on a diet.
- What would you like?
- Actually, I was thinking
about having the fettuccine.
- What would you like?
- Actually, I was thinking
about having the fettuccine.
- Are you gonna throw those away?
- You want 'em?
Oh, yeah. My girlfriend and I
are pooling our trading stamps.
Look, in that case...
here.
What did you ever buy
to get all these?
- My camper truck
and everything to stock it with.
- A camper truck?
Yeah. I thought I'd take some time off
to just drive around the country.
- I haven't seen it for a long time.
- Oh. Thank you.
You're welcome.
- I'm married, Mary.
- Yes, I know. Your ring.
- Does it bother you?
- It didn't bother me until you
asked me if it bothered me.
I mean, I don't know why you even bring
it up. This is just a lunch, right?
I was thinking of it as
a little more than just a lunch.
That's what it is. Look... rolls, butter,
ice water, restaurant. That's a lunch.
- Let me explain why
I told you I'm married.
- It's none of my business.
The reason I told you I'm married
is because I'm separated.
- Ah. John, why don't we
change the subject?
- All right.
If you're so separated, how come you're
still wearing your wedding ring?
- That's a funny thing.
- Oh, is it?
I just can't seem
to get it off.
- Go on, try it.
- Well, l...
No, I'll take your word for it.
I guess to get it off,
I'll have to cut it off.
Oh, waiter,
could I have a knife?
For my butter!
Oh, you think...
Oh, wouldn't that be just...
Look, all right,
I'll admit he's intelligent,
charming, good looking,
really polite.
But the important thing is,
I'm just not interested in him.
I know what you mean.
Looks, intelligence, charm...
- they turn me off too.
- Yeah.
Okay, think about this,
Rhoda.
What happens when these separated men
go back to their wives?
I don't know. Maybe a little kissin',
foolin' around. I don't know.
I mean, to us!
Oh, Mary.
Rhoda, go home.
- [Knocking]
- Who is it?
- . John Corcoran.
- Rhoda, stay right here.
- Well, hi, John.
- Hi.
- Uh, won't you come in?
- Thanks.
Uh, John, I'd like you to meet
my roommate, Rhoda Morgenstern.
- Rhoda, this is John Corcoran.
- How do you do?
- Hi. Got any more stamps?
- [Chuckles]
What am I laughing at? Everywhere I go,
they keep shoving these things at me.
- Here.
- Ooh, great.
Uh, John and I had
lunch together today.
Oh, yeah, I think you
mentioned that.
Oh. Oh, well,
sit down, John.
- John's just back from Vietnam.
- I think you mentioned that.
He, um... He just bought
one of those, um, eh...
A camper.
You told me.
- To drive around the country.
- Yeah.
- Where're you from anyway?
- Los Angeles.
That is, my wife lives there.
We're separated.
I know.
I, uh... I think I mentioned that.
Would anyone like some coffee?
None for me.
I just want to go to bed.
- I'm sorry. I'm keeping you up.
- No, you're not.
All I have to do is go
upstairs to my apartment.
- I thought you two were roommates.
- What makes you think that?
- Mary just said so.
- Oh.
She's right.
- John, how do you take your coffee?
- Black.
He took it black at lunch.
Oh, no!
- What are you doing?
- Uh, sweeping.
- I thought you were making coffee.
- I am, I am.
It's gonna taste
a little strange though.
You can forget
about the coffee.
No, really, I'll just make instant.
Why don't you go talk to Rhoda?
- It's a little difficult
talking to Rhoda.
- Why?
She's asleep.
- I don't believe it!
- Like it or not, Mary, we're alone.
Uh, well, why don't we
be alone out there?
I, uh... I really should wake her
and send her home.
- No, don't. You'll feel better
with her here, won't you?
- Uh, yes.
John, look, I'm not saying there's
anything wrong with being separated.
Maybe I'm being dumb,
but there are all kinds of ways
of being separated, you know?
I had an uncle who used to go to
a convention for two weeks every year,
and for those two weeks
he was separated.
And then my aunt found out,
and they were separated.
I'm not saying, you know, that you...
I don't know what I'm saying.
- You're saying it might be better
if we don't see each other.
- Yes.
Okay. We won't see each other again.
Good-bye, Mary.
- Good-bye, John.
- See you at the office.
Right.
What are you working on?
I think there might be an idea
for a good documentary in this...
America, by someone who hasn't
seen it for three years.
Who? Jimmy Hoffa?
- Hi.
- Hi. Am I in your way?
- No.
- If I am, I could use
this end of the desk.
- You can have the rest.
- No, really, I never use the desk.
Okay.
Uh, excuse me.
My labels.
[Laughs]
My addresses.
Mary, there's nothing wrong with
sharing a desk with a separated man.
I know, I know. It's just,
I never use a desk. Really.
Uh...
[Frustrated Chuckle]
- I'm working against a deadline, and
you're putting labels in my typewriter!
- Shh!
Oh, Mary, look.
I was wondering about something.
Marie and I are having some people
over Friday, and we want you to come.
Oh, good. I'd love to.
If you're the kind of person
who thinks they have to bring
a bottle of wine or something,
don't bother,
we have all the wine we need.
- Okay.
- We're a little short on cognac though.
Hi, guys.
Hey, Johnny.
[Chuckling]
Don't get any ideas
about taking over my job.
A sincere-looking chimp
could take over his job.
- What's that, Murr?
- I said, a sincere-looking...
Ted, my wife and I are having
some people over Friday night.
We thought you'd like to come.
Gee, Murr, Friday's the night
I tape Sunday's News In Review.
- Aw, shucks!
- Sorry to disappoint you.
[Clears Throat] Good evening, good
evening. This is Ted Baxter. Baxter.
He's never been able to figure out
why we always have our parties
on Friday nights.
Mary.
Hi, again.
- Yes, sir?
- Sit down.
- Did John say anything to you?
- About what?
He asked if I could spare you to
help him on some research. I said okay.
- He asked you for me?
- Mm-hmm.
- No.
- Huh?
No, sir, I can't.
We seem to have
a little misunderstanding here.
What I just said
was not a request.
He's a friend of mine,
and he needs some help.
- I want you to help him. Is that clear?
- Yes, sir.
- Then I expect you to help him.
- No, sir. I just...
- It would make things
very uncomfortable for me.
- Why?
Uh, well, uh...
Oh.
I'm going to say something to you.
I hope you won't take it the wrong way.
You're the biggest jerk
I ever met.
How could I possibly
take that the wrong way?
You're a big girl,
over 21 and then some.
Don't you know enough not to affiliate
with charmers likeJohn Corcoran?
I didn't affiliate with him!
We had lunch,
just one lunch.
I've seen him mess up three or four
women's lives during a coffee break.
- You keep away from him!
- That's what I'm trying to do.
You're making it very hard for me.
I have to share a desk with him.
All right, all right!
It's my fault. But how did I know
you'd see anything in him?
I don't know what
anyone sees in anybody.
But mind you, I likeJohn.
He's what you call
a man's man.
- But that can be bad news
if you're a lady.
- You mean, like his wife?
- He separated again?
- Again?
John and his wife have had more reunions
than the Wiffenpoofs.
Maybe he's being straight with you.
One of these separations has to stick.
Well, thank you very much, Mr. Grant,
but it really has nothing to do with me.
Good girl.
Not that he's a bad guy.
When I think of the times
I've sat on a bar stool...
and sopped up his stories.
There was this girl
in Chicago...
[Chuckles]
If he so much as comes near you,
you let me know.
Hi, again.
- Mary, it's disaster time.
- What?
They're preempting
Sunday's News In Review
for that Washington press conference.
- The president?
- No, the attorney general's wife.
- That means Ted can come
to my dinner party!
- Oh, Murray.
Maybe he'll get lost!
- Mary, did Lou talk to you about...
- Oh, about my working for you?
- Yes.
- Well, yes, but he decided
I have too much to do, so sorry.
Okay. I'll see you
Friday night though.
Well, John, I'm going to be busy Friday
night. I really am. I'm going to...
- Murray's house.
- Murray's house.
- So am I.
- Oh.
- Mary, would you care for a mint?
- No, thank you.
- Ah, that's good wine.
- You're drinking scotch.
That's my favorite kind
of wine.
We were so sorry that
your wife couldn't come.
Yeah, I know.
Well, we sort of have a kind of a deal.
She doesn't drag me to any of
the dumb things she gets invited to,
and I don't...
- Gee, Ted, it's...
- I think I'll have more
of that scotch wine.
Ted, it's so nice seeing you
outside of the office for a change.
Yes, well, some celebrities don't like
to socialize with their coworkers,
- but I feel it's good for morale.
- Oh.
- You're not talking to me.
- Well, certainly, I'm talking to you.
Of course I am.
Marie, the chop suey was fantastic.
- Oh, thank you.
- Speaking of things Oriental,
when I was on assignment
in the Far East last year,
I found the natives very friendly...
- and our boys delighted to be there.
- Did you?
That's because
he was in Hawaii.
You don't have to go to Vietnam
to get a big story.
That's right. Ted came back
with a terrific piece on surfing.
- Thanks, Lou.
- I think Ted had the right idea.
All last year I had the feeling I was
in the wrong place. Not now though.
Marie, I just love
what you've done with the house.
Oh, thank you.
Murray, honey, while I get the coffee,
why don't you show everybody who wants
to see it the rest of the place?
Love to!
Anybody else want
to take the tour?
Please.
Well, I've already seen
the house, of course.
- John, why don't you take the tour?
- No, thanks. Not right now.
Follow me.
You know, I see this girl all day long,
and all we ever talk about is business.
So for a change, I'd like to talk to her
about something else.
And there are so many
things to talk about.
There sure are.
- Did you get those books
out of research?
- Yes, sir, I did.
- That's business, isn't it?
- But what's wrong with
talking about business?
I think I'll go join the tour.
I'll see you soon.
Don't miss the master bathroom.
It's the highlight.
- Mr. Grant, thanks.
- For what?
- For what you did. I appreciate it.
- Ahh.
But, Mr. Grant,
don't do it again, okay?
It's tough to say "you're welcome"
after a thank you like that.
Well, it's just that I've got to
figure out how to handle this myself.
l... I just wish he'd stop coming on
like this in front of everybody.
Maybe I can figure out a subtle way
of getting him under a cold shower.
I think so far you and I are probably
the only ones aware of what's going on.
And this is the family room.
The tour is over.
Oh, this is nice.
We were here before, Ted.
Well, it's still nice!
- Game time!
- Games?
Sure, games.
What's a party without a few games?
You know, charades, association.
Oh, I thought you were gonna have us all
get in sacks and hop across the room.
[Marie]
Hey, does anybody have any new games?
- How about the truth game?
- You know what's always fun?
Continuation.
- How about the truth game?
- You know what's always fun?
Continuation.
I think that's what it's called.
You must've played it.
Where somebody says a word,
and then the person next to them
has to use a word...
beginning with the last letter
of your word.
- Sounds great.
- No, it really is.
Like, um, well, if you said "boy"
then Ted would say "yellow,"
because yellow
begins with "Y."
Do we just keep on doing this,
or does the game have an end?
No, it ends.
It ends when someone's stumped.
Well, let's try it anyway.
I'll begin.
Box.
[Clears Throat]
Well, let me see if I understand this.
I have to say a word that begins
with the last letter of your word.
"X."
"X."
Game's over.
John, what was that truth game
you mentioned?
- Well, Marie...
- It's very simple. We each make
a statement about ourselves.
Then it's up to everybody else to guess
if that statement is true or false.
The whole point is to make
your statement, uh, intriguing.
That way you get an idea
of what people think about you.
Remember, the whole point is
to say something provocative.
Let me try one. I think I'm in love
with a person in this room.
True!
A person in this room.
Now we'll have to spend the whole night
figuring out who it is.
It's your turn, Mary.
My... Okay.
All right, my turn.
I think that there is a person
in this room who uses the word "love"...
- like other people use the word "hello."
- False.
- True.
- I didn't know this game
could have ties.
Let me try another. I'm seriously
thinking of getting a divorce.
Oh, John.
No, you're not.
Would you believe it?
I'm usually good at this game.
Boy, did she wipe you out
pretty good!
[Cackles] Come on. What do you say
we go back to the Lucky 7-11?
This time we'll
really get some sake.
You wanna come, Mary?
Uh, no, thank you.
You're incredible.
You never give up.
You'll be pitchin' when they're
nailin' the box closed on ya.
- Marie, Murray, thank you.
- Enjoyed the function. Thanks a lot.
Hey, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute...
the game. It's my turn.
"X."
Extra.
- [Knocking]
- Who is it?
Rhoda.
- Hi.
- Hi. I was just coming in
and saw your light.
- How was Murray's party?
- Well, it turned into
a sort of farewell party.
- Oh, yeah? For who?
- John and me.
You mean no more stamps? Aw, Mary,
our partnership has just bombed.
- It'll take us a year to get
an electric blender now.
- I think I have a plan.
Why don't we split the books?
You take six, I'll take six.
We'll each get what we want.
- Great.
- I'm gonna get the baseball mitt.
- What?
- For my nephew's birthday.
- Oh. Hey, I'm gonna get one of these.
- Oh, the barbecue?
No, the guy in the chef's hat
standing behind it.
[Mews]
on your own #
# This world is awfully big #
# And, girl
this time you're all alone #
# But it's time
you started living #
# It's time you let someone else
do some giving #
# Love is all around #
# No need to waste it #
# You can have the town
Why don't you take it #
# You might just make it #
# After all #
# You might just make it
after all ##
- Hi, Mar.
- Good morning, Murray.
- You want to go
ice skating at lunchtime?
- Well, I brought my lunch.
- Aw, come on.
- Well, no, Murray. I tell you,
when I skate, I just like to...
You know?
And you always want to...
Oh!
[Laughs]
It's all right.
Have a nice, happy, little day.
You too.
## [Humming]
Yes? Something wrong?
Well, it's just that I've never
seen you looking so refreshed.
Well, that's because
I am refreshed.
- I got completely polluted last night.
- Oh.
Nothing like a good hangover
to pick you up.
I wasn't hung over.
You gotta be over to be hung over.
I'm still half snockered.
That was some evening. Me and
John Corcoran, we were really flying.
John Corcoran, the one
on the network news?
Oh, I see him from Vietnam in his combat
jacket, ducking under the bullets.
- That's the one. He used to work here.
- No kidding?
Hey, is he as great looking
as he looks?
- I mean, on television.
- He's beautiful.
- That's coffee.
- Uh...
Like last night, about 2:00 a.m.
We're in this place, see,
and John orders sake.
- Japanese wine, right?
- Yeah.
Now, understand. We're not in some
quaint, littleJapanese restaurant.
We're in the Lucky 7-11
Bar and Grill... a saloon.
Now, the bartender at the Lucky 7-11
doesn't get this request very often.
ButJohn just stands there,
looking him straight in the eye.
And the bartender
got him the sake.
No.
He threw us both out.
Uh, Mr. Grant? I seem to have
missed the point of the story.
The point is...
[Snorts]
I haven't been thrown out
of a saloon in years.
And John managed it!
That's what I call a newsman.
Well, if that's what you call a newsman,
what do youcall this?
- Hi, guys.
- What are you doing in so early?
I'm in because I'm upset about
being wakened at 2:00 a.m.
by an obscene phone call.
I've never had anyone
say things like that to me.
- What are you telling me about it for?
- Because it was you!
Yeah.
Hey, I'm sorry
about that, Ted.
It's just that whenever I'm with
a really first-class newsman,
I get furious
thinking about you.
I'm glad he apologized!
I think that it
cleared the air.
[Phone Rings]
Newsroom.
Yeah. [Chuckling]
Yeah, okay.
Yeah. [Chuckling]
Yeah, okay.
That was the receptionist.
She sounded like she was
doing deep-breathing exercises.
John must be on his way up.
Now, look, everybody.
I know John, and even though
he is kind of a famous guy...
and won a lot of awards,
don't make a big deal over him, okay?
It would only embarrass him.
## [Imitates Fanfare]
You still can't say hello like
other people, can you, Murray?
You see? What did I tell ya?
He's embarrassed.
- How are you?
- What are you doing up this early?
Don't you remember, Lou?
Last night, sitting on the curb
in front of the Lucky 7?
You said I could use
my old desk if I needed it.
- But it's occupied.
- Oh, was this your...
Well, all the desks are occupied.
I mean, l-I never use mine.
- I, uh... I'm Mary Richards.
- John Corcoran.
You're gonna be around later,
I'll buy you a sandwich.
- Fine, fine.
- Maybe we can get thrown out
of a luncheonette.
No, you can't, Mr. Grant. You're having
lunch with the sanitation commissioner.
Oh, yeah. Talk about garbage over lunch.
Sorry, John.
Look, as long as I'm chasing you out
of your desk, can I take you to lunch?
- Uh, yes.
- Good.
Well, I guess you can
take care of yourself.
After all, it's just a lunch.
Come on, John. Come on.
- Lunch.
- Lunch.
Murray?
This is very good fettuccine.
Sure you don't want to try it?
No, thank you.
I've got this little meat patty here.
- John?
- What?
I lied.
I want to try your fettuccine.
- Hmm?
- Mmm!
- More?
- Oh, no.
I've seen you on television,
haven't I?
- You're, uh... Don't tell me...
- John Corcoran.
No, uh... Yes!
Yes, you are.
Oh, you know,
I just love your news.
I mean, I really hate the news,
but, oh, the way you do it...
- Thank you. Thank you very much.
- I wonder, would you?
My pleasure. Is there anything special
you want me to write?
Yes. To the most well-informed woman
I have ever met.
That'll just destroy
my husband.
Oh. Oh.
- Um, is she, uh...
- Yes, she is.
Oh, would you mind?
Oh, thank you so much.
You're welcome.
[Chuckles]
- I shouldn't have done that.
- What's the harm?
Well, I didn't want
to disappoint her,
so I wrote the first name
that came into my mind... Ringo Starr.
Mrs. Ringo Starr. I didn't want her
to spend the whole afternoon...
trying to figure out
who Mary Richards is.
Well, I can think of worse ways
to spend an afternoon.
Well, let's talk about you.
Before Vietnam, weren't you in Russia?
Yes. Are you involved
with anyone right now?
- No. How about some dessert?
- I'm sorry.
I thought you were on a diet.
- What would you like?
- Actually, I was thinking
about having the fettuccine.
- What would you like?
- Actually, I was thinking
about having the fettuccine.
- Are you gonna throw those away?
- You want 'em?
Oh, yeah. My girlfriend and I
are pooling our trading stamps.
Look, in that case...
here.
What did you ever buy
to get all these?
- My camper truck
and everything to stock it with.
- A camper truck?
Yeah. I thought I'd take some time off
to just drive around the country.
- I haven't seen it for a long time.
- Oh. Thank you.
You're welcome.
- I'm married, Mary.
- Yes, I know. Your ring.
- Does it bother you?
- It didn't bother me until you
asked me if it bothered me.
I mean, I don't know why you even bring
it up. This is just a lunch, right?
I was thinking of it as
a little more than just a lunch.
That's what it is. Look... rolls, butter,
ice water, restaurant. That's a lunch.
- Let me explain why
I told you I'm married.
- It's none of my business.
The reason I told you I'm married
is because I'm separated.
- Ah. John, why don't we
change the subject?
- All right.
If you're so separated, how come you're
still wearing your wedding ring?
- That's a funny thing.
- Oh, is it?
I just can't seem
to get it off.
- Go on, try it.
- Well, l...
No, I'll take your word for it.
I guess to get it off,
I'll have to cut it off.
Oh, waiter,
could I have a knife?
For my butter!
Oh, you think...
Oh, wouldn't that be just...
Look, all right,
I'll admit he's intelligent,
charming, good looking,
really polite.
But the important thing is,
I'm just not interested in him.
I know what you mean.
Looks, intelligence, charm...
- they turn me off too.
- Yeah.
Okay, think about this,
Rhoda.
What happens when these separated men
go back to their wives?
I don't know. Maybe a little kissin',
foolin' around. I don't know.
I mean, to us!
Oh, Mary.
Rhoda, go home.
- [Knocking]
- Who is it?
- . John Corcoran.
- Rhoda, stay right here.
- Well, hi, John.
- Hi.
- Uh, won't you come in?
- Thanks.
Uh, John, I'd like you to meet
my roommate, Rhoda Morgenstern.
- Rhoda, this is John Corcoran.
- How do you do?
- Hi. Got any more stamps?
- [Chuckles]
What am I laughing at? Everywhere I go,
they keep shoving these things at me.
- Here.
- Ooh, great.
Uh, John and I had
lunch together today.
Oh, yeah, I think you
mentioned that.
Oh. Oh, well,
sit down, John.
- John's just back from Vietnam.
- I think you mentioned that.
He, um... He just bought
one of those, um, eh...
A camper.
You told me.
- To drive around the country.
- Yeah.
- Where're you from anyway?
- Los Angeles.
That is, my wife lives there.
We're separated.
I know.
I, uh... I think I mentioned that.
Would anyone like some coffee?
None for me.
I just want to go to bed.
- I'm sorry. I'm keeping you up.
- No, you're not.
All I have to do is go
upstairs to my apartment.
- I thought you two were roommates.
- What makes you think that?
- Mary just said so.
- Oh.
She's right.
- John, how do you take your coffee?
- Black.
He took it black at lunch.
Oh, no!
- What are you doing?
- Uh, sweeping.
- I thought you were making coffee.
- I am, I am.
It's gonna taste
a little strange though.
You can forget
about the coffee.
No, really, I'll just make instant.
Why don't you go talk to Rhoda?
- It's a little difficult
talking to Rhoda.
- Why?
She's asleep.
- I don't believe it!
- Like it or not, Mary, we're alone.
Uh, well, why don't we
be alone out there?
I, uh... I really should wake her
and send her home.
- No, don't. You'll feel better
with her here, won't you?
- Uh, yes.
John, look, I'm not saying there's
anything wrong with being separated.
Maybe I'm being dumb,
but there are all kinds of ways
of being separated, you know?
I had an uncle who used to go to
a convention for two weeks every year,
and for those two weeks
he was separated.
And then my aunt found out,
and they were separated.
I'm not saying, you know, that you...
I don't know what I'm saying.
- You're saying it might be better
if we don't see each other.
- Yes.
Okay. We won't see each other again.
Good-bye, Mary.
- Good-bye, John.
- See you at the office.
Right.
What are you working on?
I think there might be an idea
for a good documentary in this...
America, by someone who hasn't
seen it for three years.
Who? Jimmy Hoffa?
- Hi.
- Hi. Am I in your way?
- No.
- If I am, I could use
this end of the desk.
- You can have the rest.
- No, really, I never use the desk.
Okay.
Uh, excuse me.
My labels.
[Laughs]
My addresses.
Mary, there's nothing wrong with
sharing a desk with a separated man.
I know, I know. It's just,
I never use a desk. Really.
Uh...
[Frustrated Chuckle]
- I'm working against a deadline, and
you're putting labels in my typewriter!
- Shh!
Oh, Mary, look.
I was wondering about something.
Marie and I are having some people
over Friday, and we want you to come.
Oh, good. I'd love to.
If you're the kind of person
who thinks they have to bring
a bottle of wine or something,
don't bother,
we have all the wine we need.
- Okay.
- We're a little short on cognac though.
Hi, guys.
Hey, Johnny.
[Chuckling]
Don't get any ideas
about taking over my job.
A sincere-looking chimp
could take over his job.
- What's that, Murr?
- I said, a sincere-looking...
Ted, my wife and I are having
some people over Friday night.
We thought you'd like to come.
Gee, Murr, Friday's the night
I tape Sunday's News In Review.
- Aw, shucks!
- Sorry to disappoint you.
[Clears Throat] Good evening, good
evening. This is Ted Baxter. Baxter.
He's never been able to figure out
why we always have our parties
on Friday nights.
Mary.
Hi, again.
- Yes, sir?
- Sit down.
- Did John say anything to you?
- About what?
He asked if I could spare you to
help him on some research. I said okay.
- He asked you for me?
- Mm-hmm.
- No.
- Huh?
No, sir, I can't.
We seem to have
a little misunderstanding here.
What I just said
was not a request.
He's a friend of mine,
and he needs some help.
- I want you to help him. Is that clear?
- Yes, sir.
- Then I expect you to help him.
- No, sir. I just...
- It would make things
very uncomfortable for me.
- Why?
Uh, well, uh...
Oh.
I'm going to say something to you.
I hope you won't take it the wrong way.
You're the biggest jerk
I ever met.
How could I possibly
take that the wrong way?
You're a big girl,
over 21 and then some.
Don't you know enough not to affiliate
with charmers likeJohn Corcoran?
I didn't affiliate with him!
We had lunch,
just one lunch.
I've seen him mess up three or four
women's lives during a coffee break.
- You keep away from him!
- That's what I'm trying to do.
You're making it very hard for me.
I have to share a desk with him.
All right, all right!
It's my fault. But how did I know
you'd see anything in him?
I don't know what
anyone sees in anybody.
But mind you, I likeJohn.
He's what you call
a man's man.
- But that can be bad news
if you're a lady.
- You mean, like his wife?
- He separated again?
- Again?
John and his wife have had more reunions
than the Wiffenpoofs.
Maybe he's being straight with you.
One of these separations has to stick.
Well, thank you very much, Mr. Grant,
but it really has nothing to do with me.
Good girl.
Not that he's a bad guy.
When I think of the times
I've sat on a bar stool...
and sopped up his stories.
There was this girl
in Chicago...
[Chuckles]
If he so much as comes near you,
you let me know.
Hi, again.
- Mary, it's disaster time.
- What?
They're preempting
Sunday's News In Review
for that Washington press conference.
- The president?
- No, the attorney general's wife.
- That means Ted can come
to my dinner party!
- Oh, Murray.
Maybe he'll get lost!
- Mary, did Lou talk to you about...
- Oh, about my working for you?
- Yes.
- Well, yes, but he decided
I have too much to do, so sorry.
Okay. I'll see you
Friday night though.
Well, John, I'm going to be busy Friday
night. I really am. I'm going to...
- Murray's house.
- Murray's house.
- So am I.
- Oh.
- Mary, would you care for a mint?
- No, thank you.
- Ah, that's good wine.
- You're drinking scotch.
That's my favorite kind
of wine.
We were so sorry that
your wife couldn't come.
Yeah, I know.
Well, we sort of have a kind of a deal.
She doesn't drag me to any of
the dumb things she gets invited to,
and I don't...
- Gee, Ted, it's...
- I think I'll have more
of that scotch wine.
Ted, it's so nice seeing you
outside of the office for a change.
Yes, well, some celebrities don't like
to socialize with their coworkers,
- but I feel it's good for morale.
- Oh.
- You're not talking to me.
- Well, certainly, I'm talking to you.
Of course I am.
Marie, the chop suey was fantastic.
- Oh, thank you.
- Speaking of things Oriental,
when I was on assignment
in the Far East last year,
I found the natives very friendly...
- and our boys delighted to be there.
- Did you?
That's because
he was in Hawaii.
You don't have to go to Vietnam
to get a big story.
That's right. Ted came back
with a terrific piece on surfing.
- Thanks, Lou.
- I think Ted had the right idea.
All last year I had the feeling I was
in the wrong place. Not now though.
Marie, I just love
what you've done with the house.
Oh, thank you.
Murray, honey, while I get the coffee,
why don't you show everybody who wants
to see it the rest of the place?
Love to!
Anybody else want
to take the tour?
Please.
Well, I've already seen
the house, of course.
- John, why don't you take the tour?
- No, thanks. Not right now.
Follow me.
You know, I see this girl all day long,
and all we ever talk about is business.
So for a change, I'd like to talk to her
about something else.
And there are so many
things to talk about.
There sure are.
- Did you get those books
out of research?
- Yes, sir, I did.
- That's business, isn't it?
- But what's wrong with
talking about business?
I think I'll go join the tour.
I'll see you soon.
Don't miss the master bathroom.
It's the highlight.
- Mr. Grant, thanks.
- For what?
- For what you did. I appreciate it.
- Ahh.
But, Mr. Grant,
don't do it again, okay?
It's tough to say "you're welcome"
after a thank you like that.
Well, it's just that I've got to
figure out how to handle this myself.
l... I just wish he'd stop coming on
like this in front of everybody.
Maybe I can figure out a subtle way
of getting him under a cold shower.
I think so far you and I are probably
the only ones aware of what's going on.
And this is the family room.
The tour is over.
Oh, this is nice.
We were here before, Ted.
Well, it's still nice!
- Game time!
- Games?
Sure, games.
What's a party without a few games?
You know, charades, association.
Oh, I thought you were gonna have us all
get in sacks and hop across the room.
[Marie]
Hey, does anybody have any new games?
- How about the truth game?
- You know what's always fun?
Continuation.
- How about the truth game?
- You know what's always fun?
Continuation.
I think that's what it's called.
You must've played it.
Where somebody says a word,
and then the person next to them
has to use a word...
beginning with the last letter
of your word.
- Sounds great.
- No, it really is.
Like, um, well, if you said "boy"
then Ted would say "yellow,"
because yellow
begins with "Y."
Do we just keep on doing this,
or does the game have an end?
No, it ends.
It ends when someone's stumped.
Well, let's try it anyway.
I'll begin.
Box.
[Clears Throat]
Well, let me see if I understand this.
I have to say a word that begins
with the last letter of your word.
"X."
"X."
Game's over.
John, what was that truth game
you mentioned?
- Well, Marie...
- It's very simple. We each make
a statement about ourselves.
Then it's up to everybody else to guess
if that statement is true or false.
The whole point is to make
your statement, uh, intriguing.
That way you get an idea
of what people think about you.
Remember, the whole point is
to say something provocative.
Let me try one. I think I'm in love
with a person in this room.
True!
A person in this room.
Now we'll have to spend the whole night
figuring out who it is.
It's your turn, Mary.
My... Okay.
All right, my turn.
I think that there is a person
in this room who uses the word "love"...
- like other people use the word "hello."
- False.
- True.
- I didn't know this game
could have ties.
Let me try another. I'm seriously
thinking of getting a divorce.
Oh, John.
No, you're not.
Would you believe it?
I'm usually good at this game.
Boy, did she wipe you out
pretty good!
[Cackles] Come on. What do you say
we go back to the Lucky 7-11?
This time we'll
really get some sake.
You wanna come, Mary?
Uh, no, thank you.
You're incredible.
You never give up.
You'll be pitchin' when they're
nailin' the box closed on ya.
- Marie, Murray, thank you.
- Enjoyed the function. Thanks a lot.
Hey, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute...
the game. It's my turn.
"X."
Extra.
- [Knocking]
- Who is it?
Rhoda.
- Hi.
- Hi. I was just coming in
and saw your light.
- How was Murray's party?
- Well, it turned into
a sort of farewell party.
- Oh, yeah? For who?
- John and me.
You mean no more stamps? Aw, Mary,
our partnership has just bombed.
- It'll take us a year to get
an electric blender now.
- I think I have a plan.
Why don't we split the books?
You take six, I'll take six.
We'll each get what we want.
- Great.
- I'm gonna get the baseball mitt.
- What?
- For my nephew's birthday.
- Oh. Hey, I'm gonna get one of these.
- Oh, the barbecue?
No, the guy in the chef's hat
standing behind it.
[Mews]