Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 1, Episode 15 - Howard's Girl - full transcript

# How will you make it
on your own #

# This world is awfully big #

# And, girl
this time you're all alone #

# But it's time
you started living #

# It's time you let someone else
do some giving #

# Love is all around #

# No need to waste it #

# You can have the town
Why don't you take it #

# You might just make it #

# After all #

# You might just make it
after all ##



Mary, it's Friday. What do you say we
go out and buy ourselves a nice lunch?

Gee, I'd love to, Murray,
but I just don't think I can afford it.

Well, maybe I
could lend it to you.

No, no. I still owe you
five dollars from last Friday.

- Oh, do you?
- Yeah. Don't you remember?

- We had lunch at Quo Vadis.
- Alfredo's.

- And I ordered lobster thermidor.
- Lobster Newburg.

- So you lent me some money, remember?
- No, I'd completely forgotten.

Are we having the old Friday
lunch-a-rino, gang? How about it, Mar?

It's just gonna have to be you and
Murray. I'm a little short this week.

If you need to borrow money, I'm sure
Murray would be glad to lend it to you.

- [Phone Ringing]
- Newsroom. Mary Richards.

Bob Freelander here,
general manager of WKS.

Yes, sir. Just a moment.
I'll put Mr. Grant on.



- No, I wanna talk to you.
- To me?

I'm interviewing several young women
for a producer's job.

- I'd like to talk to you about it.
- You're considering me...

for a-a producer's job?

Yes, on a new talk show
for ladies.

We're calling it
The Ladies' Talk Show.

- Certainly is catchy.
- How soon can you get in here
so we can talk?

I don't see how I can during,
you know, working hours.

Then we'll do it today
on your lunch hour.

We can lunch and chat right here
in my office. Let's say 12:30?

Well, all right, 12:30 will be fine.
I'll see you then.

Wait a minute. I'd like to order
some lunch. What would you like?

Oh, um,
a hamburger and coffee.

If you're ordering lunch,
get me a ham sandwich,

a glass of milk
and a side of French fries.

And a ham sandwich,
a glass of milk and a side of fries.

I'll have a pastrami on rye
and a vanilla shake.

And a pastrami on rye
and a vanilla shake.

Is it good news
or bad news?

Phyllis, since when do you
greet bad news with champagne?

Champagne? Mary!

I didn't know they
even made it in Idaho.

So, what's the news?

So, the news is that...

I have been offered
a new job...

to produce a women's talk show
at another television station.

- Mary, produce?
- Producer!

- [Phyllis] That's terrific!
- It means a lot more money.

It means my own office
and a private secretary.

And you'll meet new guys, and you'll
be able to afford a whole new wardrobe.

Right.
And I don't wanna do it.

Oh, yeah. Money, guys, glamour.
Who wants that?

If you don't want the job,
then why the champagne?

Because I'm gonna
have to take this job.

l-I can't afford not to.

So I'm trying to convince myself
that I'm really happy about it.

So why don't we have some champagne
and celebrate my new job?

- Why don't we?
- Because I don't want a new job.

I mean, I will be leaving
a lot of people that I love.

And I feel like a traitor
to Mr. Grant.

Oh, that's ridiculous.
Your only loyalty should be to yourself.

But Phyl, Mr. Grant
took a big chance on me.

When he hired me,
I was completely inexperienced.

That's like saying that I owe Lars
something for marrying me...

because I was
completely inexperienced.

Mary, take the job.

- You owe it to yourself.
- I just don't know.

Mary, look, if you
don't wanna leave,

go in to Lou Grant
and demand a raise.

Oh, Rhoda,
I could get a raise.

What I need is a raise.

It's... It's painfully simple.

There are two choices here.

- A: Lou Grant meets your price.
Or B: You quit.
- You're right.

It is.
It's painfully simple.

- Well, I guess we don't need this yet.
- Hey, Mary,

next time you throw a party,
let us know beforehand if
you're gonna open the bottle.

[No Audible Dialogue]

You know, Murray, maybe I
don't need a raise after all.

I'm going over my budget,
and I figure that on my salary...

I can't possibly make it,
but somehow this month I did.

It's fantastic. It came out even,
right down to the penny.

- Well, almost.
- Did I pay you back
that five dollars I owe you?

[Groans]
I do need a raise, don't I?

[Ringing]

Newsroom. Mary Richards.
Oh, hello, Mr. Free... [Low] lander.

Uh, no, I haven't
made that decision yet.

Twenty dollars a month for gasoline.
That's not bad.

Uh, yes, sir, I understand that
you'd like an answer soon.

Hey, Murr, this girl throws away more
money on food than I spend on booze.

It's just that it's not
quite as easy to come to...

You know, there are other factors
to consider here.

[Whistles] Twenty-five dollars
a month for dry cleaning?

- That includes my laundry. Uh...
- Oh.

Listen, I'll try to get back to you
this afternoon. Um...

Would ten minutes
be all right?

- All right. I'll talk
to you then. Good-bye.
- Never make it.

- I know. Mr. Grant?
- Huh?

- Could I speak to you for a minute?
- Sure. Come on in.

Mr. Grant, the reason that I
have been going over my budget...

- is I have been offered a new job.
- You've been offered another job.

- It's over at WKS to produce
a ladies' talk show...
- WKS.

- called the Ladies' Talk Show.
- Ladies' Talk Show.

- You knew?
- Well,

the broadcasting industry
in this town is like a big family.

Everybody knows what
everybody else is doing.

For example, Bob Freelander...

undoubtedly knows that this morning
I went to our general manager...

and told him
I wanted to give you a raise.

Oh, Mr. Grant,
that's just wonderful.

- Because I was just...
- It would've been,
but he turned me down.

Now, before you get on the phone
and try to tell Freelander
that you'll take his job,

let me give you
a word of advice: don't.

Give me a good reason
not to, please.

Mary, it's cold out there.

Everyone's jockeying for position,
ready to cut each other's throat.

- Is that what you want?
- You guessed it, Mr. Grant.

I wanna go out there
and scratch and claw for power.

I'll stop at nothing
in my ruthless fight for the top.

Mary, it's dog eat dog in this business.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.

I thought you said the broadcasting
business was like a big family.

I didn't say
it was a nice family.

Mr. Grant, we both know
what has to be done here,

and it would make it
a whole lot easier for me...

if you would be the one
to say it.

[Sighs]
Mary...

you are going
to have to quit me.

Couldn't you just have said, " quit
the station" or just a plain " quit"?

Well, I guess I said that
because I hired you,

not the station, me.

But just because I
went out on a limb for you,

I certainly wouldn't want
any sense of loyalty to me...

to interfere with
a better deal for you.

I'm sure glad you're not putting this
on any kind of personal basis.

The reason I am is...
'cause I don't want you to go.

I'll miss you.

I'll miss you too.

When does Freelander
want you to start?

He said as soon as you
can find a replacement for me.

Don't worry about that.
Go.

Well, then, I guess I'll clean out
my desk on Friday.

Okay.

Hey.

I wanna give you
a going-away party.

Who usually arranges
for those things?

I do.

- [Knocking]
- It's Rhoda.

- Come on in.
- [Phyllis] That you, Rhoda?
- Yes, Phyllis, yes.

I am going into
Mary's apartment. Yes.

She doesn't miss a thing
that goes on in this entire building.

Hey, Mary, I just washed my hair.
Can I borrow your dryer?

- I'm sorry, Rhoda. It's broken again.
- Oh.

Listen, soon the money will start
pouring in from your new job,

and we'll be able
to afford a new one.

- Can I borrow your stove?
- Yeah, sure.

It beats trying to dry your hair
over a hot plate.

Hey, Mary, were you in bed?
I'm sorry.

Oh, no. Listen, I tried to go to sleep,
but I just couldn't.

I guess it's because
of the new job.

Or possibly because
it's only 8:30.

Yeah? And I was
sitting around here...

thinking about leaving
the newsroom tomorrow.

I got myself so depressed
I decided I'd just go to bed.

Yeah.

You know what hot milk
tastes like?

Hot milk.

Sure.
I'm an expert on the stuff.

Did you know that the first man to drink
hot milk invented the word "yech"?

Hey, come on, kid.
Let's just talk, huh?

Yeah. Good. Anything. I just don't
want to think about that new job.

What do you want
to talk about?

They showed me
my new office today.

Outside it there was this
bunch of girls all laughing...

and giggling, having fun.

There I was,
inside my private cubicle...

practicing sitting behind
this big desk,

looking like an executive.

I felt like
Rosalind Russell.

Yeah, Mary,

it's gonna be tough trying to find you
a tweed suit with padded shoulders.

Hey, wait. No, it isn't.
I just remembered. I've got one.

- Oh.
- Hi.

Why didn't you tell me
you were having a pajama party?

- Phyllis, I'm not wearing pajamas.
- Oh.

- With you, it's always
so hard to tell, Rhoda.
- Good one.

- So, what did I miss?
- Nothing much.

I was just telling Rhoda how hard it's
gonna be to leave my old job tomorrow.

Oh, Mary,

dear, funny Mary.

There are some lessons
that I've learned in my life...

that I would like to share
with you right now.

Mary, you know that trouble you've
been having tonight about sleeping?

This ought to do it.

- Good night.
- Good night, dear.

- [Door Closes]
- Life as I see it...

is a long trail
of leavings.

What I mean is,

you leave school, you leave home,
you leave jobs...

Phyllis, leave me alone.

I know what you're getting at,
but it's not gonna help me.

Yes, it will, Mary. If you
just let me explain it to you
the way I explained it to Bess.

But Phyllis,
I'm not 12 years old.

Last year, she had this marvelous
opportunity to go to camp,

but she was miserable about
having to leave, just as you are.

I mean, the situations are so analogous,
it's... well, it's astounding.

But I explained to her the fun
she'd have doing new things...

making buttons
out of walnuts,

short-sheeting
the counselor's bunk.

Phyl...

Mary, not only that,
but making new little friends.

An adventure. It'll be the same
with you, Mary... an adventure.

You'll see.
Everything will be just fine.

But I don't want
to go to camp.

- Hi, guys.
- What are you doing out of bed
at this hour?

Murray asked me
to come in early.

Yeah, I wrote a farewell speech to Mary
to close the show with tonight.

I figure if Ted
studies it all day,

maybe he can do it on
the air tonight without a goof.

Mary's still not here. I'm gonna have to
make these party arrangements myself.

Murray, you're gonna have to help me
make some phone calls.

- Anything at all I can do?
- I've been asking myself...

that same question about you
for years now.

- Who do you want me to call?
- Let's see.

I want this to be
a party to remember.

Get a large punch bowl...

and get me a distillery
and two lemons.

I want this to be big.

By the way, Ted,
you haven't kicked in yet.

- How much is this going to cost?
- Up there. Maybe into two figures.

- Two figures?
- Mm-hmm.

I don't know why
every time we turn around,

we have to throw our hard-earned money
away on some frivolous party.

- What about flowers?
- Flowers too.

Let's see. "Distillery,
punch bowl, lemons."

- What time would you like the
Minneapolis Symphony to arrive?
- Aah, you.

Here's five dollars, Murr.
Take what you need out of that
and give me the change later.

This desk
will never be the same.

Yeah, I know.

Mary's old desk.

Maybe we should retire it.

You know, like they do
football players' jerseys.

Where is she, anyway? Isn't she
even gonna show up on her last day?

The girls from Sales took her out
to a farewell champagne breakfast.

And at noon, the guys from Promotion are
buying her a farewell drink and lunch...

- The guys gotta be snockered
before the party.
- Yeah.

[Ringing]

Newsroom.

No, Miss Richards isn't here.
Who's calling?

Oh, hi, Freelander.

Lou Grant.

Yeah, I'll have her
call you, maybe.

Hey, Freelander,

you got yourself a good girl.

You'd think Mary would be back
from lunch by dinnertime.

- I'm beginning to get worried.
- It's all right.

The whole production department
hasn't come back from lunch, either.

If she doesn't hurry, she's gonna miss
Ted doing the farewell speech I wrote.

Uh-uh. Don't do that.
You'll dent the dip.

- Listen, my stomach is growling.
- Well, take a drink.

Why do you think my stomach's growling?
I had a drink.

I gotta have some food.
This punch Lou made is gonna
eat right through my stomach.

Well, you can't eat. I want
everything to look perfect
for Mary when she gets here.

- Lou?
- Hmm?

What is that shriveled-up little thing
doing in the punch?

Five minutes ago that was
a fresh gardenia.

Hey, here it is.
Mary's gonna miss it.

Hey, everybody, here's
the farewell speech. Gather around.

[Ted On TV] Tonight for my sign-off,
in place of my usual droll anecdote,

I'd like to get serious
for a moment.

The associate producer
of our 6:00 news...

is leaving our friendly fold
for greener pastures.

It is with mixed joy and sadness
that we view her exodus.

So all of us here at WJM wish a
bon voyage through the ocean of life...

and the best of luck
to our own Mary "Rickards."

Richards!

Her name is Richards!

- It's my fault. It's all my fault.
- Why your fault?

I wrote the whole speech out
phonetically, except for Mary's name.

- How'd it sound, boys?
- "Rickards"!

You said "Rickards"!

I don't get
your point, Murr.

- Her name is Richards.
- Now I get your point.

Hi, guys.

- [All Greeting Together]
- Hi, Mar.

- Hi, Murray. Hi, Ted.
- Hi, Mary.

Hello, Mr. Lou.

Did you have
a nice lunch?

Oh, you know.

All I know is that the service
must have been rotten.

You've been gone
for over six hours.

Is there anything new around here
that I should know about?

Not much.

Your new boss called.

[Sobbing]

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Try to keep it down.
Everybody's looking.

I know.

Everybody kept buying me drinks,
and I kept letting them,

because I couldn't face
coming back here...

and having to say good-bye
to all of you.

I will be just fine.

Just give me
a moment alone.

Don't worry.
I will not embarrass you...

you good old boss.

It's gonna be
some party, baby.

I'm nothing, Gordy.

All I've got are looks
and a voice.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

I'm telling you, Gordy,
I'm just a no-talent.

Somebody put truth serum
in the punch.

Lou, Murray, you might as well
hear this too.

I do a good job of hiding it,
but I'm a lousy newsman.

That's not true, Ted.
You don't do a good job of hiding it.

Get yourself together.
You're being too hard on yourself.

- No, he's not.
- [Laughing]

[All Laughing]

Oh, just a...

- wonderful bunch of wonderful guys.
- Mm-hmm.

- [Mary Sobbing]
- She really picks up a party,
doesn't she?

I should've stayed with
what I started out to be,

the only thing
I ever really wanted to be...

a male fashion model.

A male model?

Well, if he wants to be a model,
I guess that's the best kind to be.

I used to look at glossy pictures
of those guys in the ads...

standing there like this.

How do I look?
Sober?

- Sober.
- I think it's happened.

- What's happened?
- I've built up an immunity to booze.

- Lou? Gordy?
- Hmm?

- Yeah?
- Now, I am in the presence of real men,

and I know I can trust you.

- Yeah. Uh-huh.
- I have been happily married to
the same woman for ten years.

- You know that.
- Yeah.

- But every once in a while...
- Hold it, Murray.

I've been here a few times...

in bars, at various parties.

People sometimes say things
at times like this that
they later wished they hadn't.

- Yeah.
- So I'd like to stop you right now...

- from mentioning any names.
- Marie McGuire.

You tried.

- I didn't hear it.
- Marie McGuire.

[Sighs] She was a pom-pom girl
in college.

Oh, boy,
was she something.

Blond hair,
blue eyes.

- Blond hair, blue eyes.
- [Sighs]

Marie...
That's your wife.

- Yeah, I know. Isn't it terrific?
- [Groans]

This is gonna be
one of those big parties.

Where are you going?

Well, it's, uh,
getting late,

and l... I just thought I really
couldn't face any plain old good-byes,

so I was planning to call everybody
individually, you know, next week and...

I figured if I stayed any longer,
somebody would probably start singing...

- # For she's a jolly good fellow #
- Yeah. Oh.

[All]
# For she's a jolly good fellow #

# For she's a jolly good fellow #

- I can't sing either.
- # Which nobody can deny ##

- Speech, Mary. Come on.
- Come on.

- Let's hear something. Say a few words.
- Speech! Speech!

l-I don't know
what to say...

to tell you how I feel,

except to say that
I'll never forget any of you.

Of course you won't.
We'll be seeing each other all the time.

Well, that's right.
We will.

- We'll be seeing each other
all the time.
- We'll have lunch together.

- Lunch together. We will.
- Every week.

Every week we will
have lunch together.

[Chuckles]

I don't know who
I'm trying to kid.

I've been to enough of these things
to know people say they'll get together,

but they never do.

The minute I walk out that door
into your dog-eat-dog world,

that's the last time
I'll probably see any of you.

Well, except for Ted
on the news.

Or in
a fashion magazine.

So, anyway, I just...

want to say thank you
and... good-bye.

So, uh, come on, everybody.
This is a party.

Everybody's supposed to be
having a very good time.

I know I am.

Mary,
come into my office.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Sit down.

Mr. Grant,
I'm awfully sorry.

You gave me this beautiful party,
and I put a damper on it.

You didn't
put a damper on it.

You dropped a bomb on it.

But I don't care
about that.

I'm gonna meet
Freelander's offer.

Come on, Mr. Grant. The general manager
already turned you down once.

Yeah, but I didn't
threaten to quit yet.

You'd quit for me?

No.

But the general manager
doesn't know that.

So...

let's call...

Mr. Freelander...

and tell him to find somebody else
for that job.

You mean right now?

Of course now.

Hello, uh, Mr. Freelander?
This is Mary Richards. Um...

Could you hold on
just a minute?

- Mr. Grant, it's so loud I can't think.
- Yeah.

Hey,
hold it down out there!

Mary's on
an important call.

Mr. Freelander, uh,

there's been an interesting
little development here.

Uh, listen, I know I haven't actually
started to work for you yet,

but, uh, I quit.

- I think she's going to stay.
- Well, Mr. Grant has met your offer,

so I've decided
to stay right here.

[All Cheering]

[Applause]

Oh, that was just
some friends of mine.

Yes, sir, I do realize
what I'm doing.

Yes, Mr. Freelander,
I have given the matter...

a great deal
of serious thought.

[Hiccups]

Thank you.

- Hiya, Ted.
- Oh, hi, Murr.

Oh, Mar, I just want
to personally tell you...

how pleased I am
that you've decided to stay.

Oh, thank you, Ted.

- It was a lovely party, wasn't it?
- The best.

We all chipped in,
you know.

- Oh, did you?
- Yes.

And I was thinking that since it was
a going-away party for you...

and you actually
did not go away...

I mean, you were there enjoying
the party like everyone else.

- Ted, are you suggesting
that I, uh, chip in?
- Well...

- How much?
- Five.

Five?

[Mews]