Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 1, Episode 14 - Christmas and the Hard-Luck Kid II - full transcript

♪ How will you make it
on your own ♪

♪ This world is awfully big ♪

♪ And, girl
this time you're all alone ♪

♪ But it's time
you started living ♪

♪ It's time you let someone else
do some giving ♪

♪ Love is all around ♪

♪ No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You might just make it ♪

♪ After all ♪

♪ You might just make it
after all ♪♪



- [Knocking]
- [Rhoda] Mary?

- Yeah, come on in, Rhoda.
- Hey, Mar, can you give me
a lift to work this morning?

- My car pool didn't pick me up.
- How come?

They're sore at me. It finally
dawned on them I don't have a car.

- Yeah, I'd be glad to.
- Good.

Rhoda, do I look
all right to you?

- Terrific.
- Really?

- Oh, yeah, that's some color.
- Yeah? Good. [Laughs]

All right, dress, you are no longer
returnable. You are mine, all mine!

I never knew anyone to buy a brand-new
dress for a Wednesday morning.

Well, I just want to make
an impression on somebody.

- Really? That's great.
Tell me all about him.
- Yes.

He's got a terrific sense of humor
and a great personality.

Hey, that's how people
describe me.



He can't be too great.
What does he look like?

He also happens to be
very good-looking.

- Slightly gray.
- Slightly gray?

Where? His face?
His suit?

Around the temples.

- Has he got a name?
- His name is Paul Arnell.

Hey, well, you... You've met his brother,
Howard Arnell. Remember?

- I dated him a couple of times.
- Oh, that Howard. Yeah.

But don't worry.
Paul is nothing like Howard.

I don't think Paul even owns
a tie that lights up in the dark.

How did you meet Paul?

I mean, did Howard
introduce you to him?

No. We're doing a series of interviews
with Congressman Styron,

and Paul writes his speeches,
so we've met a couple of times.

He's coming by the office
today, so ta-da!

Yeah. Has he asked you out
or anything?

[Phone Ringing]

Hello. Who?

- Oh, hi, Howard.
- Howard Arnell?

Yeah, I did.
I bumped into Paul the other day.

Well, I don't remember
giving him any message.

Oh, unless you mean, I told him
to be sure and say hi to Howard.

And you're just calling
to say hi right back.

Well, well. Hi.

Listen, uh, Howard,
I've gotta run.

I'm, uh... I've got
some guests here.

[Mumbling, Laughs]

- Yes, a few people just dropped in.
- [Clinking]

[Mumbling Continues, Laughs]

Oh, I don't know. I guess they'll
be here a couple of hours, anyway.

You'll, uh...
You what?

You'll hold.

Oh, yes, of course I knew
you were just kidding.

I knew that. Listen, l-I really...
I have to go. [Laughs]

- All right. I won't take
any wooden nickels. Uh-uh.
- Come on, Mary.

Yes, I'll be sure to say hi
to Paul when I see him.

- Right. Good talking to you too.
Bye-bye, Howard.
- Mary.

[Groans]
Quick, before he calls again.

Mary, have you got Congressman
Styron's questions for Paul
Arnell when he gets here?

- Right on your desk.
- Good.

You know, Murray, I've
been meaning to ask you,

- just hypothetically speaking, if, uh...
- Mm-hmm.

if a man has asked a woman out
and she couldn't make it,

how does she go about asking him
or getting him to ask her out again?

Oh, well, it depends on who
the particular man is and who
the particular woman is.

Well, nobody...
nobody in particular.

Any two people.
Just hypo-you-know-thetically speaking.

Hey, is
the hypothetical woman you?

I shouldn't even
have brought it up.

It's just that there's something,
you know, kind of interesting about him.

- Who?
- Paul Arnell.

Paul Arnell? Hey, he's great.
Why don't you go out with him?

Well, l...

I don't know.

- This came off the wire, Mr. Grant.
- Thanks.

- Uh, Mary?
- Sir?

Skip it.

Uh, [Chuckles] skip what?

Sit down.

Mary,

I know what
you think of me.

Same as everyone else
thinks of me...

all business, no time for sentiment,
tough Lou Grant.

Oh, no.
No, Mr. Grant.

- I don't think that you're so...
- What?

Well, usually I do.
Tough Lou Grant.

But underneath it all,
Mary, I think of you...

Well, I think of
you like a daughter,

which is saying a lot,
because I have three daughters,

and one of them I don't
even think of as a daughter.

- You know, you're very sweet.
- What?

In a tough sort of way.

Right.

So when I heard certain things
around the office,

I made certain inquiries...

so that maybe I could help you out
with a certain situation.

Well, I, uh, certainly want
to thank you, Mr. Grant.

- But I don't know
what you're talking about.
- Not what, who. Paul Arnell.

- What?
- " Makes 13 thou a year,
lives here in town.

A B.A. from Dartmouth.
Military:

- four years in the air force reserves."
- Uh, no. No.

Mr. Grant,
l-I don't want to hear this.

- "Marital status..."
- Uh, go on.

"Never been married."

Thank you.

Murray, you just couldn't wait to go
and tell Mr. Grant about Paul Arnell.

Oh, hey, it wasn't
like that at all.

Look, the man asked me a direct
question, and I had to answer him.

He said, "Who?"
and I said, "Paul Arnell."

Could you tell me why Mr. Grant
would say, "Who?"

Because he said,
"Guess what guy Mary's interested in."

Mary's interested
in someone? Who?

Uh-uh. Don't tell me who it is.
Just what are the initials?

- Oh, Ted.
- Oh, come on, Mar.
Everyone here knows but me.

Murr, how about you?
Come on, what are the initials?

- All right, all right.
The initials are P.A.
- "P.A."

- As in Paul Arnell.
- Oh, as in Paul Arnell.

It wouldn't be Peter somebody,
would it, Mar, huh?

Huh?

Okay, okay.

Everybody here is acting pretty cute,
but let me tell you,

if you're still acting pretty cute when
he gets here, I mean it, I'm gonna quit!

Mary, don't worry.
We won't even be here.

- We'll leave, okay?
- Okay.

- [Murray] Oh, hi, Paul.
- Hi.

Arnell, good to see you.

Paul Arnell!
P.A. Paul Arnell.

- We gotta go now, Paul. Come on, Ted.
- I guessed it, didn't I?

- We gotta go now, Paul. Come on, Ted.
- I guessed it, didn't I?

Didn't I guess it?

- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

- What's the matter with your eye?
- Uh... Hi.

No, it's gonna be all right.
It's okay.

- Did you get something in it?
- Uh, just a fist.

- A what?
- Oh, nothing. Nothing.

- Paul, let me see it.
- [Groans] Pretty bad, huh?

- Uh, no, it looks pretty good.
- Really?

It's amazing to me how much
punishment the human face
can take before it breaks.

Oh. Do you got
any coffee?

Yeah, sure.
But Paul, what happened?

Oh, I was sitting next to
this guy at a lunch counter,

and he's reading Styron's speech
in the newspaper.

- And he's making loud,
rude remarks, you know?
- Uh-huh.

So, I, uh...
Oh, cream and sugar.

Okay. Did you tell him
that you wrote it?

Oh, no, not right away.
He had a tattoo.

Uh, Paul, what has that
got to do with it?

Well, Mary, look, there are
two kinds of people in the world...

guys with tattoos and guys
who are afraid of getting hit...

by guys with tattoos.

Well, did you finally tell him
that, uh, you wrote the speech?

Well, did you finally tell him
that, uh, you wrote the speech?

Huh? Yeah.
So anyway, I say,

"Hey, look, my friend.

I wrote that speech."

So he gets a little embarrassed,
you know, and that's when he hit me.

Well, you didn't get into a real,
you know, a fight, did you?

- Fight? No, no, Mary,
there was no fight.
- Good.

It was more like
a"beating up."

At least you acted civilized.
I mean, you didn't hit him back.

Worse. I did worse.

I, uh... I kicked him.

I mean, all your life, since you
were a kid, all you ever hear is,

"Men don't kick,
not under any circumstances."

- And girls don't bite or scratch.
- Except during wartime.

Then maybe an enemy soldier
would kick.

- Yeah. Or bite or scratch even.
- Yeah.

But not a wholesome
American boy.

- Hey, Paul, that eye does look
like it's beginning to swell up.
- Oh, really?

- Yeah.
- Do you put hot or cold water
on a swollen eye?

If you go sit down,
I'll do it.

Ooh! You know,
I think I wrecked my toe.

- When you kicked him?
- Yeah.

I missed him,
and I hit the counter.

And I think I got him.

I think he must've
broken his fist on my face.

Oh, yeah. Oh.

That's good.
Other eye.

- He hit you there too?
- No, it just feels good.

- Close your eye.
- Say, listen, Mary, would you...

would you be suspicious if I showed up
at your apartment every night...

and you had
to fix up my eye?

No, not in the least.

Oh.
Would you, uh...

How about Friday night,
say around 8:00? Are you busy?

Uh, Friday night at...

Without a swollen eye.

No, I'm not busy.
I'd like that.

Great.

That's terrific.

- I'll be looking forward to it.
- Me too.

See you.

Paul!
The, uh, Styron interview.

We, uh, still haven't gone over
the Styron material. [Chuckling]

Styron, right. Yeah.
After I made such a great exit.

Why is nothing
ever perfect?

Hey, Mary, I don't see one person
with graying temples.

- Give me a zip?
- Oh, sure.

Don't you feel a little peculiar
about going out with Paul?

- Why?
- Because of Howard.

Rhoda, I told you, Howard and I were
never what you'd call a "big thing."

- I thought he told you he loved you.
- Yeah, he did.

He tells everybody
he loves them.

Rhoda, if you dialed
the wrong number and got Howard,
he'd tell you he loves you.

He would, huh? That's worth a dime.
It's been a while.

[Gasps]

It's a magnifying mirror.

Mary, why didn't you
warn me?

I thought it was
a relief map of the moon.

You know, when they sell
a magnifying mirror,

they should include
a printed suicide note.

[Doorbell Buzzing]

- Uh, Rhoda, I think
that's probably Paul.
- Yeah, probably.

So if you wanna, uh...
[Chuckles]

Okay, if you want me to stay around and
help you break the ice, I'd be glad to.

- Hi, Paul.
- Hi.

Let me take your coat.

I'd like you to meet my friend,
Rhoda Morgenstern.

This is Paul Arnell.

- Well, hello, Paul.
- Nice to see you.

Mary didn't tell me
she was expecting company.

I guess I'll just
be running along.

Say, Mary, you know that package
that was delivered?

- Uh...
- You know the one I mean.

It has very nice wrapping.
Very nice wrapping.

- Good night, Rhoda.
- Much nicer than its brother.

[Groans]

- Hello.
- Hello.

I was... I was gonna bring you something,
but I couldn't decide what.

Wha... What do you mean?
Like candy?

Or gum.
I don't know.

- Something kind of first date-like.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Look, to tell you the truth,
l-I hate first dates.

Oh, Paul, me too.
I hate them.

- It seems like every time l...
- Would you like to sit down? There.

- The first-date craziness.
- Right.

- Sit down.
- Thanks.

Uh, say, Mar,
do you remember...

- when I was beaten up and I
came to your office the other day?
- Yeah.

Well, why don't we call that
our first date?

- Then we can call this our second date.
- Terrific. I love that idea.

- [Chuckling]
- Good.

Listen, I don't want you to think
I'm rushing into things,

but, um, this just being
our second date,

I'd like to take you home
and have you meet my folks.

- What?
- No, it's not what you think.

See, they're leaving for Europe
tomorrow for two months,
and I've just gotta stop by.

Oh. Well, sure. I'd like to see them
again. I met them once with Howard.

Oh, yeah. Well, it's really
not where I would like to
take you on our first time.

- Ah!
- Second time.

You know,
if this was our first date,

in a couple of hours
I'd probably be standing right here...

wondering, uh,

should I kiss her good night while
I got her, or should I just wait?

Take a chance... maybe she'll
invite me in. You know what I mean?

- All that stupid stuff.
- I know. Like,

should I let him know that I wouldn't
mind if he kissed me good night,

or then would he think
that I was...

Well, you know.

Mary, just to get it
out of the way...

I want you to know, Mary,

that I still respect you.

[Doorbell Ringing]

- Well, Mother, look who's here.
- Hi!

- We just stopped by to see if
this charming house was for sale.
- Hello.

- You remember Mary Richards.
- Aren't you a pleasant surprise.

Well, Mary,
what a coincidence.

We were just talking about you
the other day.

- Oh, really?
- Won't you sit down?

Before you get settled, I got something
to show you in the workshop.

- Howard's invented a new one.
- You may not notice, Mary,

but our Howard is considered
an innovative genius in his field.

You know, I've never really been sure
what his field was.

I know he has something to do
with bow ties that light up.

That's it, the under-nine-dollars
novelty business.

Look at
this cigarette box.

[Woman's Voice] Cigarette smoking
may be hazardous to your health.

[Coughing]
Cigarette smoking may be...

- That's Howard.
- Fine.

To think.

Oh, Mary, you're standing
on hallowed ground.

Isn't this true, Mom?
Right on this exact spot...

on May 29, 1968,

Howard Arnell invented
reversible socks.

Plain on one side,
argyle on the other.

Don't feel compelled to comment.
A simple gasp will do.

Dad, wait up!

- It's a lovely home.
- Oh, thank you.

- Who are all the kids?
- Oh, they're Howard.

- Where's Paul?
- Oh.

Here.

It's not
very good of him,

but it's quite flattering
of the Santa Claus.

Would you like
some coffee?

Uh, yes, thank you.

Black, please.

It was a lovely idea of Howard's
to have Paul bring you by.

Oh, no, it wasn't Howard's idea.
It was Paul's.

Oh, really? But it sounds so Howard.
So considerate.

When was the last time
you talked with him?

Uh, with Howard? Just a couple
of days ago, as a matter of fact.

- How did he sound?
- Well, he sounded like Howard.

What a lovely thing
to say.

Let me tell you, Mary,
all we hear from our boy,

24 hours a day,
is "Mary this" and "Mary that."

- Uh, really?
- His father said to me,

"When are Howard and Mary
going to tie the knot?"

But I said,
"Well, that's up to Mary.

After all,
she's Howard's girl."

Very funny, Paul.

I show him Howard's new musical razor
that's already sold over 500 gross.

All he can say is, " Very cute,
but does it play 'Melancholy Baby'?"

Come on, Dad. So I made a joke.
I think it's great that they're selling.

He made a joke. That's why he wouldn't
go into business with me.

Because the whole thing
is one big joke. Ha-ha.

- Well, novelties are no joke to Howard.
- Brian, we have company.

I'm sure to
a big Ivy Leaguer like Paul...

a joke of a business
like novelties...

Well, how can it compare with writing
out a lot of speeches for people?

Oh, now, Dad, wait a minute.
It's not what you call...

"just writing out
a lot of speeches for people."

- Paulie, he's just talking.
- Yeah, Mom, I know.
But I've gotta say it.

It's not what you'd call " writing out
a lot of speeches for people."

It's trying
to get the thoughts...

of a very dedicated and concerned man
down on paper.

Did you read
Styron's last speech?

His last speech?
No, he didn't.

Well, you should've.
Look, all the New York papers...

said it was a turning point
in Styron's career...

and that with his kind
of outspokenness,

he could be a contender
for governor in a few years.

And after that, who knows? He could
go anyplace, even the White House.

Maybe even
the White House, Dad!

So when I'm writing for Styron,
that's what I'm writing about.

Well, as long as
you're keeping busy.

Well, it's good to be home.

Listen, this is
your bon voyage party,

so let's wish you
a bon voyage.

Are you really looking forward
to your trip?

We're going to London, Dublin,
Asia and Paris.

Tell me,

is there something you'd like us
to bring you back?

Oh, well, that's very sweet,
but no, thank you.

How about
some nice Irish lace?

Howard would love you
in lace.

- Mom.
- Well, he would.

After all, Irish lace makes
such a nice you-know-what veil.

Well, thank you, Paul.

I had a really great,
you know, time.

Oh, sure,
you had such a great time,

you're home at 9:30.

If you would've had any more
of a great time,

you could've
been home by 8:30.

Mary, I'll tell you, they're just weird
on the subject of Howard.

All that talk about you and Howard.
I should've said something.

No. No, I should've
said something.

It's just that
it's a little difficult...

to tell a woman you're
not interested in her son...

when you're staring into practically
a shrine of his baby pictures.

- Would you like some coffee?
- No, thanks, Mary.

No. I tell you,
I'm going back to the house.

- Well... Now?
- Yes. Right now.

Those two people are leaving for Europe
tomorrow for two months.

I don't want them spending another 60
days thinking you are Howard's girl.

- Do you wanna come with me?
- Well, I don't know.

I think I'd probably
feel a little funny.

Well, okay, if you feel funny.
But I've gotta go back there.

He walks up the stairs
to the door...

hoping she'll follow.

He looks back.

She gave him
an encouraging smile.

And she made a decision.
She's going with him.

And a moment later,
she's there by his side.

Taking his arm,
she turned out the lights,

and they walked wordlessly
into the night.

[Doorbell Ringing]

Oh, uh, Mrs. Arnell,
we didn't realize that you'd be...

- No, Mary, come in.
- We didn't want to disturb you folks.

Oh, you're not
disturbing us.

Well, we were sort of hoping you'd
pop back, weren't we, Brian?

What do you mean?
Tonight?

I don't know how to start here.
Yes, I do.

Listen, Mom,
Mary is my date.

- She's not Howard's girl.
- Does Howard know this?

Mrs. Arnell, you know, I went out
with Howard exactly three times.

He asked me out a fourth time, which was
about 11 months ago, and I said no.

Are you trying to tell me that
your plans for the marriage are off?

Yeah, I think I can safely say that
the plans for the marriage are off.

Well, as long as you're here,
you may as well sit down.

So, Mom,
what are you, uh...

- Looking at slides, huh?
- I don't know.

Oh, yeah.
Yes, you were.

You were looking
at slides.

Dad, where'd you get
all these viewer things?

Howard got a deal on them,
so he's trying to work them
into something musical.

- Hey, there's a nice shot.
- That's Dublin.

You know, I thought that you two
had never been to Europe, Mrs. Arnell.

Uh, Mr. Arnell, I thought you two
had never been to Europe.

We haven't.
These are places we're gonna visit.

So we'll recognize them
when we get there.

Come on, Mother, look at slides.
It's getting late.

Okay, here we go.

Viewers up, everybody.
Everybody click to number one.

- Everybody got number one?
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.

- Good.
- Gee, this certainly
is beautiful. Where is it?

Looks like Disneyland.

No. No, Dad.
It's the Kremlin.

Well, we're not going there. Number two.
Everybody click to number two.

You can click all you want,
but I'm not going.

- You're not what?
- I'm not going to Europe,
Brian. That's all, period.

What, are you crazy?
What do you mean you're not going?

She's going, she's going. Click to
number three, everybody. Number three.

Click, click, click, Brian,
but I'm not leaving my two sons...

alone in America with that...

Well, I'm just not leaving
my two sons alone in America.

Oh, Mom.

- Mrs. Arnell.
- I don't want to discuss it.

No, Mrs. Arnell, really.
I mean...

I don't have any designs
on your sons.

Howard and I never did have
any kind of relationship.

Paul and I are just on our second...
no, first date.

So we don't even know how we
feel about each other. So go.

Wrong. Speak for yourself. I know how
I feel about you. I'm crazy about her.

- [Chuckles]
- Four. Everybody click to number four.

That's a nice clear shot,
isn't it? That's Paris.

Wait for me, Brian.
Let me catch up.

All right.
Now, this thing here, of course,

is your Eiffel Tower.

Wouldn't Howard love to see this?
I miss him already.

Maybe you can
take him with you.

Seven. Everybody, let's,
uh, click right on to seven.

- Everybody got number seven?
- Yeah.

You get the feeling
we're always standing here?

- Uh, well, sort of, yes.
- Yeah.

Well, here we are.

Do I come in
or say good night?

Do I talk a lot to cover
my self-consciousness?

Why don't we
discuss it inside?

Well, tomorrow morning,
8:00 a.m., the folks are off.

You think your mother's
ever gonna recover?

Recover? Wait till
she sees her present.

- What'd you get her?
- Howard.

I bought him a ticket.

[Mews]